25 Years Together - Is it time to end it?

[soserious1]

Nick, one other thing you can try is this.. flat out public and not so public shaming. Your oldest is big enough to use the phone? on nights when it's your wife's turn to cook and she is late, have the child call her at her office, if the call gets routed to a receptionist, the child can leave the message "tell my mommie I'm really hungry, please let her come home to make me dinner" The child should also get into the habit of calling Grandma.. I bet your wife's mother has no idea that her daughter seldom see's her 2 yr old!

 

In ANY setting where you are interacting with people in your circle and your children are praised or mentioned in any way.. perfect the art of sighing sadly while looking somber and saying things like "yes, Lil' Snotleigh is getting big so fast, it's a pity her mother doesn't take more interest in her" When you're dealing with the school, pediatrician, daycare, stop covering for your wife's

non-involvement, stop making excuses for it & if these providers mention mom's non-involvement in a critical way... agree with them.

Edited May 24, 2011 by soserious1

[NickFeek]

It's heartening to hear you both understand how frustrating this situation is.

 

I like a lot of these ideas, and will definitely be putting some of them into practice. BUT I can almost definitely predict the outcome already:

 

She has said more than once that if I stopped helping out as much as I do, she would move back home. Now I know I have rights as a parent, but it really is hard for me to imagine her handling even a fraction of this stuff without freaking. But we will see.

 

As for her mother and father, they completely defend her work ethic. They know most of the details of our weekly existence, and seem to feel that she's in the right.

[soserious1]

It's heartening to hear you both understand how frustrating this situation is.

 

I like a lot of these ideas, and will definitely be putting some of them into practice. BUT I can almost definitely predict the outcome already:

 

She has said more than once that if I stopped helping out as much as I do, she would move back home. Now I know I have rights as a parent, but it really is hard for me to imagine her handling even a fraction of this stuff without freaking. But we will see.

 

As for her mother and father, they completely defend her work ethic. They know most of the details of our weekly existence, and seem to feel that she's in the right.

 

Do they understand that their daughter has basically been abandoning a 2 yr old since the day the child was born?

 

If she's told you that if you stop helping she'll move home to her parents so that she can dump the kids on them you have a decision to make here.

 

Do you want sole legal and physical custody of your children? if you do, you need to start building the perception of yourself as the children's primary caretaker with the people who's opinions will sway a judge ie: school, daycare,pediatrician, you need to enlist the services of a child psychologist, you also need to retain, the biggest gun, most aggressive

Father's Right's lawyer you can find.

 

If I were you, I'd get that lawyer tomorrow ,I'd have your wife served with papers ASAP, I'd be asking a judge to grant me temporary sole legal and physical custody with temp chid support and alimony orders and asking that you and the children be allowed to remain in the primary residence till final decisions are made concerning assets.

 

You need to file first,you need to hit and hit hard, if she files first you will get screwed.

 

If you don't want sole custody, you need to recognize and own that when it comes to kids there really no such thing as only being obligated to give 50% .Your wife as you currently describe her is an unfit mother, giving her those kids willingly even 50% of the time so that she can dump them off during her parenting time would make you just as neglectful as she is.

Edited May 24, 2011 by soserious1

[NickFeek]

Do they understand that their daughter has basically been abandoning a 2 yr old since the day the child was born?

 

If she's told you that if you stop helping she'll move home to her parents so that she can dump the kids on them you have a decision to make here.

 

Do you want sole legal and physical custody of your children? if you do, you need to start building the perception of yourself as the children's primary caretaker with the people who's opinions will sway a judge ie: school, daycare,pediatrician, you need to enlist the services of a child psychologist, you also need to retain, the biggest gun, most aggressive

Father's Right's lawyer you can find.

 

If I were you, I'd get that lawyer tomorrow ,I'd have your wife served with papers ASAP, I'd be asking a judge to grant me temporary sole legal and physical custody with temp chid support and alimony orders and asking that you and the children be allowed to remain in the primary residence till final decisions are made concerning assets.

 

You need to file first,you need to hit and hit hard, if she files first you will get screwed.

 

If you don't want sole custody, you need to recognize and own that when it comes to kids there really no such thing as only being obligated to give 50% .Your wife as you currently describe her is an unfit mother, giving her those kids willingly even 50% of the time so that she can dump them off during her parenting time would make you just as neglectful as she is.

 

I do have a decision to make, and it's a tough one. On the one hand, I do not want to disrupt my kids' lives any more than necessary, and I do want to see them as much as possible. On the other hand, I don't want to be responsible for 100% of what I'm doing now, and I don't want to run the risk that my wife will crumble under the pressure & they'll be neglected.

 

If push comes to shove, I'm going to insist they stay in the area, even possibly right here at home. As for custody, I can negotiate that. I'd be fine living with them or not, as long as I could see them all the time.

 

And you know what, I'm going to start researching local Fathers' Rights attorneys tonight. Thank you for that adivce!

[soserious1]

I do have a decision to make, and it's a tough one. On the one hand, I do not want to disrupt my kids' lives any more than necessary, and I do want to see them as much as possible. On the other hand, I don't want to be responsible for 100% of what I'm doing now, and I don't want to run the risk that my wife will crumble under the pressure & they'll be neglected.

 

If push comes to shove, I'm going to insist they stay in the area, even possibly right here at home. As for custody, I can negotiate that. I'd be fine living with them or not, as long as I could see them all the time.

 

And you know what, I'm going to start researching local Fathers' Rights attorneys tonight. Thank you for that adivce!

 

Nick, custody is not like playing hot potato where the parent who's holding the kids when the music stops gets stuck with them. Having the children 100% of the time is an honor and a privilege . Remember,once a custody judgement is made,you will not be able to dictate to her what she does or does not do during her parenting time.She leaves them with her mother? it's not your business, she's not available to take them to sporting activities, dance classes etc on her time? then they won't go and you won't be able to say anything about it.

 

You need to think long and hard here.. from the sounds of things you don't want custody, with a mother who's seldom around and a father who's reluctant to man up, step to the plate & fight to raise them 100%

of the time, I feel sad for your kids.

[NickFeek]

Nick, custody is not like playing hot potato where the parent who's holding the kids when the music stops gets stuck with them. Having the children 100% of the time is an honor and a privilege . Remember,once a custody judgement is made,you will not be able to dictate to her what she does or does not do during her parenting time.She leaves them with her mother? it's not your business, she's not available to take them to sporting activities, dance classes etc on her time? then they won't go and you won't be able to say anything about it.

 

You need to think long and hard here.. from the sounds of things you don't want custody, with a mother who's seldom around and a father who's reluctant to man up, step to the plate & fight to raise them 100%

of the time, I feel sad for your kids.

 

Please DO NOT start down the road of putting words in my mouth or assuming things I haven't written. I am a conscientious person who is considering everything that is said, and for you to repeatedly revert to jumping down my throat by passing judgment on something you are creating in your head is a waste of my time and energy. You cannot keep crossing this line and expect not to report you.

 

As part of that, this is the only response this ridiculous post will get.

[2sunny]

Stop feeling guilty... That's not useful. As far as a decision, I think she made that for you when she worked until 10pm! And I can't see how the kids lives would be disrupted that much if you go for sole custody since she's absent now anyway. You will need to understand the fact that this has been on your shoulders and it will continue to be your responsibilty since her choice is to work so much. She's left no options - so really, SHE has made the decision, you just need to accept it and move forward. Go for full custody with no way of her taking the kids out of the area.

[NickFeek]

Stop feeling guilty... That's not useful. As far as a decision, I think she made that for you when she worked until 10pm! And I can't see how the kids lives would be disrupted that much if you go for sole custody since she's absent now anyway. You will need to understand the fact that this has been on your shoulders and it will continue to be your responsibilty since her choice is to work so much. She's left no options - so really, SHE has made the decision, you just need to accept it and move forward. Go for full custody with no way of her taking the kids out of the area.

 

Well you're right that I feel guilty. Basically every day I feel guilty about something, and that's part of what's been holding me up from DOING.

 

I see what you mean, and have seriously considered full custody. I of course want her in their lives as much as she can be, but it does make sense considering how things are already. But honestly it's my responsibility to research this so I know every legal consequence that every decision entails.

[soserious1]

Please DO NOT start down the road of putting words in my mouth or assuming things I haven't written. I am a conscientious person who is considering everything that is said, and for you to repeatedly revert to jumping down my throat by passing judgment on something you are creating in your head is a waste of my time and energy. You cannot keep crossing this line and expect not to report you.

 

As part of that, this is the only response this ridiculous post will get.

 

I'm sorry but I call them as I see them based on what information is given me. You stated that you didn't want to end up doing 100% of what you have been doing. I also see a ton of indecision here, just as we've seen in your dealings with your wife,lots more time to think, time to talk things over,more time for the status quo to continue.

 

Your gut instincts are good Nick, why do you continually second guess yourself and delay taking the actions you know will be needed to fix things?

 

 

Btw, if you'd like to "report me" for taking the time to give you a well written response that was based on info you gave me, then go ahead.

Edited May 24, 2011 by soserious1

[NickFeek]

I'm sorry but I call them as I see them based on what information is given me. You stated that you didn't want to end up doing 100% of what you have been doing. I also see a ton of indecision here, just as we've seen in your dealings with your wife,lots more time to think, time to talk things over,more time for the status quo to continue.

 

Your gut instincts are good Nick, why do you continually second guess yourself and delay taking the actions you know will be needed to fix things?

 

 

Btw, if you'd like to "report me" for taking the time to give you a well written response that was based on info you gave me, then go ahead.

 

Sorry, the reporting crack was uncalled for.

 

I agree with your second paragraph completely, and I think I need to work through the intense fear/revulsion I feel in my body when I'm about to assert myself with her.

 

But that first paragraph, while a concise summary, does not amount to me claiming to not want custody. I'm doing what any good parent or lawyer would do in this situation, which is weighing all the options & possible outcomes, and comparing them against what's best for the kids and for me, and how best to keep my wife included in everything.

 

By the way, I just sent a query to a fathers' rights attorney in my area. So thank you for that advice.

[soserious1]

Nick,

 

You need to remember that text messages don't convey tone or full meaning, I'm not some horrible creep trying to bust your chops here. I'm responding based on what I'm reading. This is not a perfect medium but trust me when I tell you that I respond here because I am actively trying to help.

[NickFeek]

Nick,

 

You need to remember that text messages don't convey tone or full meaning, I'm not some horrible creep trying to bust your chops here. I'm responding based on what I'm reading. This is not a perfect medium but trust me when I tell you that I respond here because I am actively trying to help.

 

That's true, and I'm glad you pointed it out. Believe me, you and others here have given far more help than I ever expected to get.

[2sunny]

Well you're right that I feel guilty. Basically every day I feel guilty about something, and that's part of what's been holding me up from DOING.

 

I see what you mean, and have seriously considered full custody. I of course want her in their lives as much as she can be, but it does make sense considering how things are already. But honestly it's my responsibility to research this so I know every legal consequence that every decision entails.

 

guilt is not useful... if ANYONE should feel guilty - it should be her - and she doesn't... so stop that. she has deliberately had children and doesn't intend to raise them - that is clear - women like that should not have kids... it's not right for the kids. and it's not right that one parent does it all - all day long- for the absent one to show up past bedtime. she knows full well she misses the whole day with them. have her take them to school in the morning! MAKE her do some of it! tell her to pick them up after school since you will be BUSY! do not give her options - she needs to learn how to DO a few things for them - so start forcing her to do them.

 

she has some major issues you can't fix- that she's not going to face... so stop doing all the feeling for both of you; she seems to feel nothing. if she's angry (which she probably is) she should work through that herself, but she won't - she exhibits avoidant behavior.

 

have you read that book yet- codependent no more... and the four agreements? i think they would both help you a ton. they really are useful in how to live a happier life. simple and easy reads.

 

 

if nothing else - the change that YOU do - may, just maybe a little, force her to start changing things on her end... but most likely she will still find ways to be sure she doesn't need to take care of her kids by spending time with them - that is for her to figure out. when she calls trying to lay it on you - DON'T LET HER!!!! don't fix her dilemmas, just tell her you know she can figure it out... then let her. you don't need to be her whipping post anymore.

 

she has had choices- and she has continuously made a choice - a choice to avoid being a part of the M and the family. NOTHING about that is right, not for you and certainly not for her kids. she is harming them - she has stolen the opportunity from her kids to know their Mother. and she has done it on purpose. i'd be damn mad! that's not healthy for any child.

 

SHE made the decision to end your marriage by not caring enough to make an effort to change. all you did was ask - yet she won't DO any of it. it's abandonment at it's highest level.

 

if it were me - when she came home so late last night - after all the promises she made over the weekend - and you being sick - i would have told her to get the hell out... don't bother! i would have had the locks changed too! you are trying to hold on to nothing - because that is what she is offering. no friend, companion, lover, confidant, partner, Mother, nurturer, nothing! she is so focused on work - she doesn't know what else exists...and to expect you to go through life (and your kids) with a spouse and Mom that ignores them - is not enough. it's abuse really... they may never get over the pain that Mom abandoned them. you can't make up for her absence - it's not possible so don't even try to overcompensate for her... just be yourself and love them for who they are. she is essentially ruining them on purpose and won't do different. i'm really mad at her!!!!!!!

 

to pretend like they have a Mom and you, a wife - is her living a complete lie!

 

stop pretending like it's ok - because it's NOT ok. have those kids call her every night at work. they should be telling her how inadequate she participates. do not cover for her... she's not too busy to be their Mom! yet she says she is - and participates like she is. she shouldn't have had kids.

 

write down a million questions for that attorney... and ask them all. stay in the house, you need to be there with the kids... and go for sole legal and physical custody, get support - both child and spousal, you're going to need it - and request that she NOT take them anywhere out of your County. you should ask for everything you want - always keeping your kids best interest in mind. then start being happy with your kids, get busy being happy.

 

when they don't like something about her as they grow up - don't respond to that - simply have them call and tell her how they feel - they should tell her directly! she should hear it! they need to have a voice and speak their truth... especially if it's at her = they should tell HER, not you!

 

 

and for you... i'm real sad and sorry. hugs. she's a complete dork!

Edited May 25, 2011 by 2sunny

[NickFeek]

No I haven't read those books yet, but I'm getting to the point where I might really to. Thanks for the reminder.*

 

I have things to feel guilty about too, but not so much in my day to day living.*

 

I think she does know things are not right. And I think she's starting to understand what that means in terms of changes she or we would need to make. I say this because she's starting to unravel emotionally. She is now feeling equal pressure from home and work, something she's not used to. Remains to be seen what her ultimate response will be.*

 

She is trying to maintain the same work schedule and still do for the family. And while it may be very true that no amount of time at work is enough for her to stay on top of things, it's the home life that gets the short end. Last night she wanted to be home by 8, but got there at 9:15. She gave the boys a bath, and studied with my older boy for his test. Then she put the kids to bed. Actually I insisted she put them to bed, and she happily agreed.*So she IS trying to fit it all in, well everything except the marriage.*

 

It feels good that someone else is so mad on my behalf. I really believe in her heart she wants everything to work for all of us, but has no clue how to do it. My prediction is she will not be able to handle or implement the necessary changes. It makes me very mad, because it feels like she is not valuing our marriage enough to do what needs to be done.*

 

I will bring a giant list of questions for the attorney. No stone unturned.*

 

Thank you for knowing how much all this hurts. And the dork line is a classic!

[2sunny]

9:15... is she crazy? 9:15 to START bath time and homework? most kids have been in bed for an hour by that time.

 

i don't understand her thinking or rationalizing that 9:15 is an adequate time to start in with participating on a level when kids are ready to be finished with the day.

 

she's NOT thinking about their best interest.

 

either way - god work staying out of it. IF your kids have anything to say about her timing - let THEM tell her how they feel about it.

 

 

crazy logistics in that woman's mind... i don't see how she views that as a benefit for her children - only herself.

 

 

stay distant... let her keep doing it... at least she MAY be changing things up. maybe she will make progress as time moves along.

 

whatever you do - don't cave! change needs to be happening everyday...in every way... nothing will change if you go back and DO things the way you always have been doin them.

 

let her step it up. IF the kids aren't digging it... have them speak their truth TO HER DIRECTLY. yep, even have them call her while she's working!

[NickFeek]

9:15... is she crazy? 9:15 to START bath time and homework? most kids have been in bed for an hour by that time.

 

i don't understand her thinking or rationalizing that 9:15 is an adequate time to start in with participating on a level when kids are ready to be finished with the day.

 

she's NOT thinking about their best interest.

 

either way - god work staying out of it. IF your kids have anything to say about her timing - let THEM tell her how they feel about it.

 

 

crazy logistics in that woman's mind... i don't see how she views that as a benefit for her children - only herself.

 

 

stay distant... let her keep doing it... at least she MAY be changing things up. maybe she will make progress as time moves along.

 

whatever you do - don't cave! change needs to be happening everyday...in every way... nothing will change if you go back and DO things the way you always have been doin them.

 

let her step it up. IF the kids aren't digging it... have them speak their truth TO HER DIRECTLY. yep, even have them call her while she's working!

 

She knows she's not thinking of their best interests. I can see it in how she feels. She's relying on me to be there for them when she can't. And while that IS part of co-parenting, it's clear here that she is overusing me, and the kids are not seeing her enough. This is all now hitting her in a way that is starting to affect her work, which may be the only way she'll take this seriously.

 

I am definitely giving her more to do with the kids when she gets home (8:45 tonight), and she is contrite & willing to do whatever I ask. But something about that scares me, and I think it's probably two things: 1. She may feel like this will be enough to patch things up, when it isn't - or she knows it isn't and it's worrying her that even this much is hard to do with work hanging over her head; and 2. I doubt she'll be able to sustain this level of involvement for long.

 

I see her starting to crash, and it worries me for her sake. But I think I need to guide her towards the crash, rather than help her avoid it, so that maybe she will finally feel what's going on here. Don't know if that will bring her to make big changes, or cause her to pack it in. Either way it'll be a step forward. So I'm going to keep holding my ground with the kids. I'm also going to suggest some of the changes soserious mentioned. And I'm going to put a timeline on it all. If she comes through, we'll take the next step. If she doesn't, I have to make the call to end this.

[2sunny]

She knows she's not thinking of their best interests. I can see it in how she feels. She's relying on me to be there for them when she can't. And while that IS part of co-parenting, it's clear here that she is overusing me, and the kids are not seeing her enough. This is all now hitting her in a way that is starting to affect her work, which may be the only way she'll take this seriously.

 

I am definitely giving her more to do with the kids when she gets home (8:45 tonight), and she is contrite & willing to do whatever I ask. But something about that scares me, and I think it's probably two things: 1. She may feel like this will be enough to patch things up, when it isn't - or she knows it isn't and it's worrying her that even this much is hard to do with work hanging over her head; and 2. I doubt she'll be able to sustain this level of involvement for long.

 

I see her starting to crash, and it worries me for her sake. But I think I need to guide her towards the crash, rather than help her avoid it, so that maybe she will finally feel what's going on here. Don't know if that will bring her to make big changes, or cause her to pack it in. Either way it'll be a step forward. So I'm going to keep holding my ground with the kids. I'm also going to suggest some of the changes soserious mentioned. And I'm going to put a timeline on it all. If she comes through, we'll take the next step. If she doesn't, I have to make the call to end this.

 

yep, i'd be telling her... "i need sex and i need it now - tonight. i've waited and waited and it's been long enough - no more waiting."

 

IF she won't give it - tell her that's a normal way of participating in a loving marriage - IF she doesn't intend to participate in loving BEHAVIOR (not words) then their no marriage (no loving behavior). for her to NOT intend to participate on this level is so bizarre to me. is she THAT unfeeling and unloving that she expects to ignore basic human instincts and pretend that it's supposed to look loving? it's not.

 

and 8:45? sheez, that's just obnoxious. that isn't reasonable change. it's barely enough to skid in under the wire before bedtime.

 

does she think she is THAT important at work that they can't live without her being there all the time? that is one BIG FAT EGO she's feeding! an ego that big would never be appealing to me - i love good balance, on me, on friends, family and my lover.

 

when she dies - i suppose she's going to say on her deathbed "i wish i would have worked more"

 

she lives to work... i work to live! i love my job- but it isn't my WHOLE life... it doesn't define me as a human being and it doesn't run my living life to the fullest!

[NickFeek]

yep, i'd be telling her... "i need sex and i need it now - tonight. i've waited and waited and it's been long enough - no more waiting."

 

IF she won't give it - tell her that's a normal way of participating in a loving marriage - IF she doesn't intend to participate in loving BEHAVIOR (not words) then their no marriage (no loving behavior). for her to NOT intend to participate on this level is so bizarre to me. is she THAT unfeeling and unloving that she expects to ignore basic human instincts and pretend that it's supposed to look loving? it's not.

 

and 8:45? sheez, that's just obnoxious. that isn't reasonable change. it's barely enough to skid in under the wire before bedtime.

 

does she think she is THAT important at work that they can't live without her being there all the time? that is one BIG FAT EGO she's feeding! an ego that big would never be appealing to me - i love good balance, on me, on friends, family and my lover.

 

when she dies - i suppose she's going to say on her deathbed "i wish i would have worked more"

 

she lives to work... i work to live! i love my job- but it isn't my WHOLE life... it doesn't define me as a human being and it doesn't run my living life to the fullest!

 

Sex will definitely be part of the deal, starting in the next few days. It has to be or we're not being realistic about the future. I really can't and could never answer what it is she thinks about the discrepancy between her words & her actions. For example, she said she'd be home by 7:45, and was very heartfelt when she said it. Then she comes home an hour late because there was one more thing she had to do. She apologized, but the damage was done - three nights in a row and this is TYPICAL of every week. Now there IS a big deadline tomorrow, so I get that, but there always seems to be a "good reason" for her to do one last thing. If it's true she's never going to catch up, then she either needs to change jobs or change families.

 

I really do think if I keep down this road she is going to fall right down the chasm between her words/feelings and her actions. And I'm not saying that to be mean. The only way forward for US is for her to see this problem. If somehow she STILL doesn't see it, and she doesn't change what we're talking about, it's just plain over.

[2sunny]

the discrepancy between her words & her actions. For example, she said she'd be home by 7:45, and was very heartfelt when she said it. Then she comes home an hour late because there was one more thing she had to do. She apologized, but the damage was done - three nights in a row and this is TYPICAL of every week.

 

soooo, SHE LIES!

 

when the words do not match the action - it is a lie.

 

so SHE lies over and over... with no INTENTION to keep her word.

 

her word is as good as nothing - so there is no reason to believe a things she says... because she doesn't keep her word.

 

read that book now... the four agreements. agreement one is "be impeccable with your word" you will see how it defines who we are and how our word represents our entire being. so - her word says she lies.

 

start the sex request for action tonight... no time to waste - let's see what she's made of... or not. either she's in or she's not.

[NickFeek]

soooo, SHE LIES!

 

when the words do not match the action - it is a lie.

 

so SHE lies over and over... with no INTENTION to keep her word.

 

her word is as good as nothing - so there is no reason to believe a things she says... because she doesn't keep her word.

 

read that book now... the four agreements. agreement one is "be impeccable with your word" you will see how it defines who we are and how our word represents our entire being. so - her word says she lies.

 

start the sex request for action tonight... no time to waste - let's see what she's made of... or not. either she's in or she's not.

 

I have said this about the lying, and her answer is I just don't know what it's like to work there, among other things. She does not in any way look at her habit of saying one time and coming home another as lying. I guess if it happened now & then, that would not be a big deal, but it happens pretty much every night. The only time she doesn't lie is when she's pulling an all-nighter & getting in at 6am to help get the kids to school. Not a great trade-off.

 

What her answer really comes down to is she's making so much money for us that she's too important to be hemmed in by needs of ours that to her mind don't rank as important enough. So she does stay home for illnesses (the kids), and makes it to our kids' talent shows, etc. But things she thinks we should just be able to handle are not on that list.

 

I'm telling you, I can sense the panic in her - I think she's feeling all this now like never before. And I'm not being a jerk about things, I'm just simply saying "You have to put the kids to bed tonight" or "You have to do our daughter's study review" etc. etc. She does everything I ask, but I just feel like she's headed for a fall.

[2sunny]

it's after 9... is she home now?

 

if she's not, i'd lock her out and tell her to stop bothering you and the kids with her lies and EMPTY promises. let her sleep on the curb if she needs to. let her go to work in the same clothes tomorrow. she needs consequences to her inability to keep her word.

 

and an ALL NIGHTER? wtf? why don't they hire MORE help? NO ONE does that - sacrifices every part of living for that! all night? WHY are you living this way?

[NickFeek]

it's after 9... is she home now?

 

if she's not, i'd lock her out and tell her to stop bothering you and the kids with her lies and EMPTY promises. let her sleep on the curb if she needs to. let her go to work in the same clothes tomorrow. she needs consequences to her inability to keep her word.

 

and an ALL NIGHTER? wtf? why don't they hire MORE help? NO ONE does that - sacrifices every part of living for that! all night? WHY are you living this way?

 

You must be on West Coast time. Got your posting just after midnight.

 

Our daughter is emotionally distraught. Our normally quiet son is acting out in school. And our baby is throwing insane temper tantrums. She HAS to see those as consequences. She is doing a lot of apologizing and explaining lately, and again I think it's because she's realizing she can't live two lives.

 

Wtf exactly! . She apparently has so much to catch up on all the time that it's the only way she can make a dent. Well that and getting up at three every other morning to work at home before we get up. She is pushing herself to the brink. She told me last night she is very distracted at work because of our home troubles. I told her I think she needs a big break or she's in danger of crashing. She said she can't. I said isn't this a good enough reason to take some leave time. She basically laughed it off. All talk and no change. I don't know why I'm living like this.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I understand your complaints but I don't think you will get anywhere by putting so much pressure on her. Her job is important to her and it sounds like a demanding one. Constantly harping about what are normal working hours and that hers are not normal will only stress her more.

I get the impression that you try to control her by making her guilty, for example by referring to troubles of the kids.

The kids act out because they feel that there is no harmony in the house. You and your wife should both work on restoring that harmony. You won't get anywhere if you constantly point the finger at her.

 

She does not want to take down time, she wants to invest a lot of time in her job. Accept this and work around this. The more you try to change her, the more she will hold on to her job because since her husband does not seem to appreciate her, she will put more emphasis on something where she gets positive feedback out = her job.

 

Accept that you cannot change her. That will only happen when she wants to change. The only thing you can change is yourself. You come across as rather controlling and you are building a case here against your wife.

Don't forget that in the end you might be right but what does that offer you is it means your marriage is broken.

[NickFeek]

Pink,

 

Well no question all of this is her point of view as well, and it is valid. But I take issue with a few things.*

 

First, the last six months I have completely backed off on pressuring her about work, and all that's happened is her hours have increased and our family life has suffered more. If I WERE controlling, there would already have been lots of changes.*

 

Second, no amount of job dedication can justify the damage she's doing to family and marriage. She has to own this. I am at my limit in terms of how much I can compromise, and how much I can give emotionally and logistically. Yet she persists in maintaining the same or worse schedule. I don't bring up the kids' suffering to her. I don't need to. She sees it every day.*

 

It's not acceptable for her not to take down time in the midst of a family crisis. The lack of harmony in the house is not being addressed adequately, and can't be until she makes time to address it, to make it a priority. I am here and ready to talk. Our whole lives of late have been an attempt to work around her job demands, and we are failing. I have sacrificed a lot in my career for this family, and she has budged not more than one inch. I have seriously hurt my earning power and career trajectory to give her the space to achieve, abs the end result is that she resents me and dives into her work to avoid me.*

 

Again, I can say from decades of experience that there is no way to control her. She does what she wants and barely ever listens to others for advice, even when she's headed for a breakdown. You're right that she probably will not change. I've done most if the changing over the years, and get so little consideration in return. No more. And sorry to say I completely agree with your last line.*

[2sunny]

pink - read the whole thread... seems you may have skipped from the beginning to the end?