Author marqueemoon4 Posted July 19, 2011 Author Share Posted July 19, 2011 (edited) this happened with me as well. my parents are divorced and as much as my mom trash-talked my dad -- both in front of us and to her friends over the phone -- i saw the situation in a much different light. i never bought into her lies and manipulation and truth be told -- up until then, i had been closer to my mom. but after that, not so much. i knew how much my dad loved us and that his actions were not matching her accusations. he also never spoke ill of her to me or my brother. so yes - - i'm sure your son is taking it all in now and as he gets older he'll really start to understand that there are always two sides to every story. yep, and when he gets older, I'll gladly give him my side of the story.. that would be the OBJECTIVE view, taking into account MY MISTAKES.. unlike hers thats all she is the victim and I'm so horrible and I did nothing wrong. I'm not going to go out of my way to bash her but he will know the truth and I'm not sugarcoating it. he needs to know. Edited July 19, 2011 by marqueemoon4 Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 because she is a BPD b*tch with no conscience I have to lose out on 70% of my sons life. here's how I learned to look at it... I had an every weekend arrangement so I missed out on a lot of time with my kids, I figured why not just take the time I do have and make evey moment count... I really did that, I didn't waste one day that they were with me. I asked myself if I had stayed married would I be so involved with my kids as I was being on my own? Honestly if you give that 30% you have 100% you and your son will be just fine! Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 Dude.. I promise you. One day it will hit her like a ton of bricks.. the remorse and sadness she will feel for what she did. It will eat her alive for the rest of her life. Once her current reality dissolves, she will be left with herself and only time to think about how selfish she was and how she damaged your life. Trust me. This will be punishment enough, she will never be able to erase the horror she caused and she has to live with that. By then, you will be healed and living a MUCH happier and better life, I promise you. It may never hit her like a ton of bricks also... we can't go on waiting for those who left to feel sadness and remorse, they may or they may not... I know early on we all hae these fantasies of us moving on and the ex coming to a realization that they were so wrong and we were right... I think when we get to the point where we don't care either way it's a good sign we're moving on.... the only part of that fantasy that we control is the part where WE have moved on and are ok, and to make that part come true we have to let go.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted July 19, 2011 Author Share Posted July 19, 2011 here's how I learned to look at it... I had an every weekend arrangement so I missed out on a lot of time with my kids, I figured why not just take the time I do have and make evey moment count... I really did that, I didn't waste one day that they were with me. I asked myself if I had stayed married would I be so involved with my kids as I was being on my own? Honestly if you give that 30% you have 100% you and your son will be just fine! yes, I realize I have to fool myself into thinking hey this is just fine! my son is going to lose a TON because of his ****ty mother. he's also going to always want for his parents to be together and thats not going to happen. he's also going to be influenced WAY more by her white trash family and lowlife bf or whatever other guy she is sponging off of than he should. if he ends up like anyone in her family or her for that matter I'll swallow a bullet. honestly, the only way I'll probably be able to feel better is A. meeting a woman who isn't certifiably insane B. going back to court and getting 50/50 custody of my son. btw, her reaction as to why I don't deserve equal time with my son.. because I'd be putting him in daycare anyway. hrm.. it really comes down to $$ with this greedy person. and i'd MUCH MUCH rather pay a daycare than her so she can go out and buy more tacky clothes and handbags. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 yes, I realize I have to fool myself into thinking hey this is just fine! . if you have to fool yourself for a while then do it - what is that saying? fake it until you make it.... one day you'll realize that you are no longer fooling yourself and everything is indeed just fine... and it won't take you being with someone else either, it'll be about just you and your son... Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted July 19, 2011 Author Share Posted July 19, 2011 if you have to fool yourself for a while then do it - what is that saying? fake it until you make it.... one day you'll realize that you are no longer fooling yourself and everything is indeed just fine... and it won't take you being with someone else either, it'll be about just you and your son... i'm sure i've said this in this thread before, but I TOTALLY understand why alot of dads just disappear. sure, some are scumbags who don't want to pay child support and never cared for their kids, I assume others just can't stomach this bull**** setup. I ****ING HATE IT. I cant be any clearer than that. I want out of ****in VA.. i hate this state.. I'm stuck here now because of this dumb bitch. I wouldn't be surprised that if in a few years of this bull**** I'm gonna just leave and not come back, as much as I love my kid. Again, he loses because of his C*NT mother. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 i'm sure i've said this in this thread before, but I TOTALLY understand why alot of dads just disappear. sure, some are scumbags who don't want to pay child support and never cared for their kids, I assume others just can't stomach this bull**** setup. I ****ING HATE IT. I cant be any clearer than that. I want out of ****in VA.. i hate this state.. I'm stuck here now because of this dumb bitch. I wouldn't be surprised that if in a few years of this bull**** I'm gonna just leave and not come back, as much as I love my kid. Again, he loses because of his C*NT mother. I hear you, I was in the same place about 15 years ago... I had moments of just wanting to bolt and of course didn't, you are too good to leave also - your boy needs you. period. some guys do leave, they are wrong, it's that simple... Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted July 19, 2011 Author Share Posted July 19, 2011 I hear you, I was in the same place about 15 years ago... I had moments of just wanting to bolt and of course didn't, you are too good to leave also - your boy needs you. period. some guys do leave, they are wrong, it's that simple... honestly, as long as they pay child support, I really don't fault them. I dont want to have to see my exW twice a week for the next 14yrs. the amount of time I spend with my son is a joke. it'll be a constant battle trying to fend off her and her families redneck influence. I can pretty much guarantee I'll be like **** it and leave eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Share Posted July 20, 2011 ugh. bad day yesterday as evidenced by my angry posts. I think I have a right to be angry, but I'm never leaving my boy. I'll suffer in VA the rest of my life if I have to. i attended his swim lesson yesterday. saw his mom, didnt pay any attention to her. she was walking in her flip flops (the ones that short girls wear to make them look taller) and she stepped in a puddle and almost broke her neck. not sure how I would've reacted to that. i was sitting behind her and was looking through her and some other people to see my son in the pool. in my standard weak form I walked up to her and tapped her on the shoulder, she turned around. I said "Hi" and smiled. she said "Hi" in almost a friendly way, then probably realized oh yea I'm supposed to be a bitch. we discussed our son and she told me he is going under water and holding his breath. we laughed at some of the things he was doing cause he's so damn cute. this is the person who has caused me endless heartbreak and pain the last year. i saw her updating her FB on her phone and looked away. I see her name with my last name still.. I ask a retarded question that im not posting here and get her standard cold bitch response. they come out after my son gets changed. i hug him and tell him how proud i am of him. he didn't seem as enthused to see me as usual. i write her a checkfor July support, the first one without spousal support. she leaves to drive to OMs house. I go home to nothing. this will replay itself over and over. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 mm4 It does get better. Yes, that situation will replay itself, but, as time goes on, you will start rebuilding and feel more and more confident and happy. Your son will pick up on that...so will your ex. Eventually, you will find someone you can trust and partner with and you'll be that much wiser for having gone through this. Keep your head up...life is spectacular...don't waste one more minute of it thinking of her...she ain't worth it... Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
jaymz Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 ugh. bad day yesterday as evidenced by my angry posts. I think I have a right to be angry, but I'm never leaving my boy. I'll suffer in VA the rest of my life if I have to. Every day is different. Its ok to have an angry day, I have loads of them now. I guess its a stage in the process we have to go through. i attended his swim lesson yesterday. saw his mom, didnt pay any attention to her. she was walking in her flip flops (the ones that short girls wear to make them look taller) and she stepped in a puddle and almost broke her neck. not sure how I would've reacted to that. i was sitting behind her and was looking through her and some other people to see my son in the pool. in my standard weak form I walked up to her and tapped her on the shoulder, she turned around. I said "Hi" and smiled. she said "Hi" in almost a friendly way, then probably realized oh yea I'm supposed to be a bitch. we discussed our son and she told me he is going under water and holding his breath. we laughed at some of the things he was doing cause he's so damn cute. Its those things that really get me, how quickly we slip into "normal". its not real, just habit. this is the person who has caused me endless heartbreak and pain the last year. i saw her updating her FB on her phone and looked away. I see her name with my last name still.. I ask a retarded question that im not posting here and get her standard cold bitch response. they come out after my son gets changed. i hug him and tell him how proud i am of him. he didn't seem as enthused to see me as usual. i write her a checkfor July support, the first one without spousal support. she leaves to drive to OMs house. I go home to nothing. this will replay itself over and over. I dont use FB anymore, my brothers monitor it for me. The stbxw has blocked me anyway and my bros have remove anyone from it that is "inappropriate". Rob has posted before that FB is for kids, its very true. I dont use it and i dont miss it. Real friends contact each other, go for a beer, bike ride, take kids down the park, play football etc. The rest are just superficial. I have the stbxw on a standing order, so the money goes straight into her bank account on the 1st if each month. Its nicely labelled as "Child Maintenance" so there is no ****ing around from her part - she wanted it in cash! no f**king way!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
jaymz Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 mm4 It does get better. Yes, that situation will replay itself, but, as time goes on, you will start rebuilding and feel more and more confident and happy. Your son will pick up on that...so will your ex. Eventually, you will find someone you can trust and partner with and you'll be that much wiser for having gone through this. I want to fast forward to this part. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 ugh. bad day yesterday as evidenced by my angry posts. I think I have a right to be angry, but I'm never leaving my boy. I'll suffer in VA the rest of my life if I have to. . you have every right to be angry and you chose the best forum to vent - right here. I wish when I went through my breakup in '95 that I had something like this place, the internet was so new back then that I didn't even think of on-line support. I don't think one person here thought you'd leave him, you're better than that! and believe me when I tell you this: you won't have to suffer in VA, you are going to thrive in VA and be an amazing dad to your son! Link to post Share on other sites
updown Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 maybe you could take turns at swim lessons? or pick a lesson to do with him on your time! maybe come up with something just the two of you do together, that you don't have to share that time with his mom...... Link to post Share on other sites
updown Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 oh, and in my situation, i completely understand why some women walk away and give up custody. i understand how you feel! just wanted you to know you're not alone in those thoughts....... Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 I have thought of up and leaving and just sending money back for my daughter. Could never do it. She's my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
BrettLost Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 I'd love for my ex to up n leave with OM, leave kids with me. I dream of it i want it that bad. My life enjoyment, knowing i have them with me would skyrocket to infinity. Her and OM can become millionaires, couldnt give a *****. My kids time in my life is priceless. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 A fun little study recently proved that seeing a child smiling has the same effect on the brain as receiving $25000 in cash. So true. She is so amazing every day! Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted August 22, 2011 Author Share Posted August 22, 2011 my son telling me out of the blue: "dadas I love you" is almost euphoric. he means the world to me. i thought for sure this thread was closed.. lol Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 I'd love for my ex to up n leave with OM, leave kids with me. I dream of it i want it that bad. My life enjoyment, knowing i have them with me would skyrocket to infinity. Her and OM can become millionaires, couldnt give a *****. My kids time in my life is priceless. I hear you, maybe OUR life would be better without them around but for the most part our kids need both parents around and close by... I would think that a kid who has one parent take off would have abandonment issues down the line... Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 my son telling me out of the blue: "dadas I love you" is almost euphoric. he means the world to me. i thought for sure this thread was closed.. lol Dreamingoftigers, resurrector of "dead" threads at your service. I hear you, maybe OUR life would be better without them around but for the most part our kids need both parents around and close by... I would think that a kid who has one parent take off would have abandonment issues down the line... Oh, only issues that affect them for the rest of their lives if they remain undealt with. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Oh, only issues that affect them for the rest of their lives if they remain undealt with. yes, that is why it is important as parents to stay close by after a divorce, no more than a 30 minute drive, this is especially vital if they are very young, keep it as simple as possible for the kids.... I know that the poster who wishes that his ex would leave and never come back is speaking from pain, it is so important to get past the pain as soon as possible when kids are involved... it is not easy but it needs to be done for the kids.... Link to post Share on other sites
BrettLost Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Andyg99, U are correct. Its not nice, but i get the feeling this might occurr. If/when she moves to a new town/place either she takes the kids and possibly neglects them due to selfishness feeding her new life, leaving me alone..... Or she leaves them with me and ventures off alone with OM to soak up new life, yet i remain fufilled havin them live with me. I AM lookin a little too much into it but these scenarios could be real. Just mental preparation for either way. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Andyg99, U are correct. Its not nice, but i get the feeling this might occurr. If/when she moves to a new town/place either she takes the kids and possibly neglects them due to selfishness feeding her new life, leaving me alone..... Or she leaves them with me and ventures off alone with OM to soak up new life, yet i remain fufilled havin them live with me. hold on there!!! do you live in an area where he CAN do that? leave and take your kids??? you probably have rights here, don't assume that she can up and leave with your kids!!! fight for them if she even hints at doing that!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
BrettLost Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Interesting Andyg99, I probably over-analyse the maybes a little bit, but yes these events are likely. Im yet to suss out exactly where i stand legally, but i know in the future she will move away from here to pursue her chosen career path. Closest north is 1.5hrs, south is 2hrs. I have a good job here, nearly done long service so i aint leavin, yet. Link to post Share on other sites
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