What do you do with a lazy husband?

[Fedup&givingup]

If this guy was so depressed that it kept him from being able to go out and seek employment, my guess is that he couldn't drag himself out of bed in the morning. That's typically the level of depression a person suffers if they can't go out and get a job.

 

Furthermore, I'm not going to bother anymore with this jargon until the person that started this thread comments on it. Let HER defend herself and her plight.

 

As Befuddled pointed out, it was she that said he didn't act the least bit depressed. His own doctor even ruled it out. IF there is such a type of depression that permits a person to laugh and smile, so be it. I'm not going to argue with that. I am arguing that depression and other mental disorders are NOT always the answer and explanation for someone's actions.

 

Even more stunning, is the fact that Befuddled brought all this back to the woman that started this thread...she IS on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and has been manning down the fort. She came here to seek solitude and receive validation just like the rest of us.

 

From the sound of what KLS posted, SHE is the one suffering. She's at her wit's end, and at a complete loss.

[Fedup&givingup]

Originally posted by befuddled11

And what type of depression would that be? Do you have any links on it? Is it listed in the DSM-IV? I'd be fascinated to learn more about a type of depression in which the person is depressed but is still able to laugh and have fun. That's a new one. I now work part-time on a psychiatry unit in a large center, I'll have to ask the resident psychiatrist more about it.

 

 

Yeah, you and me both, Befuddled. I've never heard of such, either. People who are depressed typically have a change in their sleeping and eating habits, whether it be more or less. They withdraw from people and events.

[moimeme]

Sufferers of depression with atypical features will respond to negative or positive external events. They'll feel deeply depressed or somewhat hopeful depending on the latest situation they are faced with. Their mood will brighten considerably when dining out with friends or enjoying a good movie. But when they are alone, their mood will slip back into the dark depths of depression.

http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/depression/atypical.asp

 

BTW, Depression with Atypical Features is in the DSM, but remember that the DSM is still not the be-all and end-all and is under revision at this moment. It takes a while for the DSM to reflect new discoveries in science.

 

His own doctor even ruled it out

 

Nowhere is that stated.

 

I don't really understand why this always has to be a battle. If a person's behaviour changes, suspect a physical cause (that includes mental ailments). Get the person diagnosed. If it turns out not to be a disorder, fine, tell him off and vanish. If it is a disorder, get it treated. It is ridiculous to battle constantly on LS over this. It's too bad she let it go this long but it could still be salvageable. The thing is that people don't just change unless something is up. If this guy had never had a job it would be another story, but he was a different person before. That is the cue that something is going on.

 

So why have a big fight about if a person may or may not be depressed? It's something to check into is all. It's stupid to have to defend this. If it were heart disease or diabetes or cancer which might be an issue, nobody would get into a big huff, but as soon as you suggest mental ailments, there's a HUGE battle here. It's nuts.

[ladyangel]

I'm not making any judgments or taking sides here, just contributing something I saw and thought MIGHT be relevant to this topic:

 

http://www.garfnet.org.uk/new_mill/eclips99/ld_99081.htm

[moimeme]

Thanks, Angel! First-person stories are always much more powerful than those of 'outsiders'.

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by moimeme

I don't really understand why this always has to be a battle. If a person's behaviour changes, suspect a physical cause (that includes mental ailments). Get the person diagnosed. If it turns out not to be a disorder, fine, tell him off and vanish. If it is a disorder, get it treated.

 

Get it diagnosed?

 

Get it treated?

 

Sure, I agree....but getting something diagnosed and treated has to be the responsibility of the person with the affliction. This wife can't get him diagnosed, or once done (if he does in fact have something), force him to seek and follow through with treatment.

 

I just find it very ironic that he supposedly left his ex wife because she couldn't hold down a job, and was according to him, "lazy", and she was always complaining about some kind of problem......yet here he is, an apparent spitting image of his ex wife.....

 

I'd be curious to know from KRS..what does her husband do all day, exactly. She says he spends time on the computer....doing what? Surfing the net? Chatting? Surfing porn? Goofing off? Having fun online? Or is he doing some kind of work online? (I believe she said he did web design..so is he doing web design all day)? And is he properly watching the 2 yr old when he's at home all day? Does he properly feed the child? Put him down for a nap? Change his diaper or take him to the toilet? Spend quality time with him?

 

KRS: surely your husbands knows the dire financial situation you're in. Does he seem upset by this? Stressed? Does he express regret for not contributing financially? Does he give you ANY reason as to why he can't at least help with the housework?

 

Does he shower every day, or has he totally let his personal appearance go to the dogs?

 

Does he ever have something for dinner waiting for you? WHen he never helps with things around the house and you ask him to help, what is his response? What is his excuse?

 

Does he sleep in each day? Does he stay late each night?

 

Does he have any interests outside of the home? (sports, activities, spend time with friends, etc)

 

Does he ever get out of the house? Does he ever take your children for outtings, just him and them?

 

Have you ever suggested he get out there "in person" to look for a job, versus sending out resumes from home and expecting to get anywhere? If so, what's his response?

 

Does he ever express a sense of feeling like a failure over the fact that you're the breadwinner and what's keeping the home together?

 

You mentioned that you're about to lose your car. Is this your only car? If you lose it, how will you get to work? Get the kids around to doctor's appointments and such? Does he not see the seriousness of this?

[Fedup&givingup]

I'm all ears for these answers. I'm sorry for all that you are going through, I'll bet it's rough. You've got the weight of the world on your shoulders.

 

Depressed or not, it's STILL his responsibility to do something about it, period. I know someone who is clinically depressed that works 50 hours plus a week, so the depression isn't the issue with their problem.

 

I thought it was "funny" too when you said that your husband pegged his ex wife with what exactly he is. Even funnier, my husband is a lying, cheating b*stard, and he was once married. During one of our VERY first dates, he told me she ran around on him. Now I seriously wonder about that, period. It makes logical sense why your husband would say this about his ex as well as mine would. It turns them into a victim, and when they start it with you, you tend to want to turn the other cheek.

 

GOOD luck to you, and keep on posting!

[spencer]

****Originally posted by moimeme

There is a type of depression which does not have the 'classic' symptoms. People with it can still laugh and have fun. *******

 

QUOTE]Originally posted by befuddled11

And what type of depression would that be? Do you have any links on it? Is it listed in the DSM-IV? I'd be fascinated to learn more about a type of depression in which the person is depressed but is still able to laugh and have fun. That's a new one. I now work part-time on a psychiatry unit in a large center, I'll have to ask the resident psychiatrist more about it.

 

dysthymia 300.4--- yes its listed in the DSM-IV

[krs1041]

Well I didn't mean to open a can of worms. BUT I still do not think it is depression and really can do NOTHING about it if it is. So to me what is MOST important is that my children are taken care of and bills get paid because we need a bigger home and they need food and clothes. No matter what I can't help him because he will not allow it and since he is not andy "danger to himself or others" I can do NOTHING about it so the depression idea at this point is mute.

 

For the questions put forth for me..I would like the chance to reply (hopefully this will not be too long).

 

I'd be curious to know from KRS..what does her husband do all day, exactly. She says he spends time on the computer....doing what? Surfing the net? Chatting? Surfing porn? Goofing off? Having fun online? Or is he doing some kind of work online? (I believe she said he did web design..so is he doing web design all day)? And is he properly watching the 2 yr old when he's at home all day? Does he properly feed the child? Put him down for a nap? Change his diaper or take him to the toilet? Spend quality time with him?

My husband is a web developer. He at times was able to get some jobs on the side to help out. He doesn't surf the internet all day he "piddles". Programming this and that, I am not a computer geek to know but he is a Christian man but does have male friends he talks to. As a matter a fact at night when I am doing laundry etc he is doing that. I have no pictures of my husband in my home where he is not sitting in his chair in front of his computer. Now is he making money for anything he does, no. He has his own website he works on, I had one but he didn't like working on mine, he reads articles, and loves to gain knowledge. He does properly care for our baby. Obviously being in child protective services that is the first thing I look for. I think he leaves diapers on too long but that is beside the point. He has never been hurt or in danger in his care.

 

 

KRS: surely your husbands knows the dire financial situation you're in. Does he seem upset by this? Stressed? Does he express regret for not contributing financially? Does he give you ANY reason as to why he can't at least help with the housework?

My husband DEFINATELY knows the situation we are in. But he also knows that SOMEHOW I always pull us out. I have started selling Avon which has helped. Clean some houses on the side, sold Watkins for a while, and sold some old clothes and stuff on Ebay for money. My husband gets stressed over nothing. He is able to keep his cool through anything. Me on the other hand have to do the worrying if we are gong to lose our house or car. I take care of the bills and the money, but I do let him know. He does seem regretful that he can not contribute, but he shows no action to back up his regret. And you know I wouldn't feel nearly as bad or angry with him if he would just help around the house. I just can not continue to do EVERYTHING!

 

Does he shower every day, or has he totally let his personal appearance go to the dogs?

He does when knows he is going to have to go out of the house. Otherwise he sits around in his sleeping shorts, but I make him take showers just because he is living in my house and he is not going to stink.

 

Does he ever have something for dinner waiting for you? WHen he never helps with things around the house and you ask him to help, what is his response? What is his excuse?

Numerous excuses, he forgot is the big one. Even if I call and remind him while I'm at work or write it down so he'll have it.] it still doesn't get done. What more can I do? If I work late and the baby gets hungry he will fix something to eat. Our daughter stays with her grandmother after school so I pick her up when I get off so he'll not have to take care of her.

 

Does he sleep in each day? Does he stay late each night?

No he goes to bed when I do. I get up with our two year old twice each night (no he still doesn't sleep through the night). My husband has sleep apnea and has to wear a CPAP machine so he doesn't wake easily. But I have to make sure he is up before I go to work so he will watch our son. I again take our daughter to school so he will not have to take care of her.

 

Does he have any interests outside of the home? (sports, activities, spend time with friends, etc)

Mowing is a have to only when he HAS TO. Other than that, no. His family doesn't live here but he has a very good relationship with my family, he has a great sense of humor and great wit.

 

Does he ever get out of the house? Does he ever take your children for outtings, just him and them?

NO- he can' get out from in front of the computer!

 

Have you ever suggested he get out there "in person" to look for a job, versus sending out resumes from home and expecting to get anywhere? If so, what's his response?

YES I have actually applied for jobs for him. I can't sign applications though. So all I can do is encourage him to go for anything. He was used to making $30-$60 an hour and in this little town, without a degree that is just REALLY unreasinable. HI think he is just wanting to hold that hope that he can make that much more again.

 

Does he ever express a sense of feeling like a failure over the fact that you're the breadwinner and what's keeping the home together?

NOT AT ALL, he is glad I can and that I have a good job.

 

You mentioned that you're about to lose your car. Is this your only car? If you lose it, how will you get to work? Get the kids around to doctor's appointments and such? Does he not see the seriousness of this?

No it is not our only car. One vehicle is paid off, and one we own. If it is repossessed, it just is. My home comes first. He sees it every now and then how serious this is...like the one time when both kids got sick and I couldn't afford to take them to the doctor (copay) or get their meds (copays at drug store). Then I had to stay sick for a long time because I can't afford to take myself. I have to pay $60 per month a side for his medicines (copays). I usually come last in the family because I do feel responsible for everyone else. I never get new clothes unless my mother buys them for me.

 

It gets really old struggling for so long and not being able to do anything, buy anything, get anything for the kids, have their grandmother buy their Easter baskets and summer clothes. I really would like to be able at the very least to give my kids things, at the very least just meet their needs. No matter what is "wrong" with him, I have lived in it for too long. Would it be better if he were gone? Certainly not any easier or better, I would just not have to clean up after him or his messes is the only positive.

 

That leaves me thinking that I am just stuck here until he decides to get up and do something to provide for his family. It is true that I don't want to tell him to leave. I do love him. I don't know where he would go if I did. But, pleading for help hasn't worked, I don't nag him or yell at him because I don't want to make it worse. So what do I do? How do I get help from him? That is my question and plea for ideas.

[moimeme]

You have to push, pull, or drag him to a physician. Something is up. He could have become addicted to the internet.

 

His family doesn't live here but he has a very good relationship with my family, he has a great sense of humor and great wit.

 

Maybe you could set up an 'intervention' like the type people used to have with alcoholics and drug addicts. If several people he cares about all sit down with him and say he needs to get help because something is wrong, he might pay attention.

 

I don't see that leaving him will help a lot; at least he's free child care, which is more than you'd have on your own. He costs you groceries but without him you'll feel bad without the man you love. You haven't said that he's abusive or anything else bad; only that he seems to have lost all his motivation.

 

Whatever, staying home is the worst thing he could be doing for himself. It is easy to turn into a hermit if you don't get out enough.

[Fedup&givingup]

Hey, KRS!

 

Thank you for the information and input you've enlightened us with in your situation.

 

Now, here's what I think. This is really not about your husband, this is about Y-O-U. I see how you fit the description of being an enabler to a tee.

 

Your husband is a con artist, too. You could go ahead and have an "intervention" like you would with anyone else that's addicted to something, but something tells me that everyone involved might be wasting their time. The one good thing about doing that is that your husband would be put on the spot, and know that no one is falling for his crap anymore.

 

You say you love him, and I do not doubt that. However, you are really asking for it when YOU take it upon yourself to take side jobs in addition to your full time job while your husband, your PARTNER backs out of his responsibilities. You are right, your husband doesn't worry with wonder and lose any sleep over this, nor is he actively seeking employment because he's got you to do it for him. You are carrying him, period.

 

Your husband is a liability, a complete drain. He's a taker, and if he truly felt badly about things, he would be out there pounding the pavement. It's not like you all have had to modify how much you go out each month due to his lack of having a job, you can barely support yourselves and your family!

 

As for having "free child care", that's not much of a reason or case either. Your grandmother watches your child after school, and although watching a toddler all day long is more taxing and more involved, you would be amazed at how your family will help out when and if they have to. Your husband is like having another child, period.

 

 

My advice on how to handle this situation...you give him an ultimatum, and YOU stick with it. Give him a reasonable amount of time that he has to have a job, and he can forget about his standards, because the way I see it, he doesn't have much of a choice now. Some income is better than no income, and if YOU are getting side jobs just to make ends meet, this problem is so much bigger. If you love him enough to bust your ass yet still not have quite enough to pay the bils, clothe your children, and go to the doctor and be able to afford the co pays, then don't expect him to change a bit.

 

I absolutely think it was he that was the lazy bum that didn't work in the first marriage, and since you and his ex wouldn't cross each other's paths, the lie about that one was easy.

 

As for him not having a place to go to, that's on him...he'd find a place, believe you me. He found you, and he's manipulated you long enough to get away with what he has, so I wouldn't even worry about that. You've got innocent children that cannot fend for themselves, and they need to be your priority.

 

I apologize if I sound harsh, but I think you are just allowing this man to take advantage of you. You are exhausted, and that's one thing I've learned...people will take advantage of you, if you let them.

 

Good luck to you.

[spencer]

take the computer away. just do it. it should stir him up a bit

[ladyangel]

Originally posted by spencer

take the computer away. just do it. it should stir him up a bit

I agree. Tell him he has a choice, the computer or you.

[moimeme]

Folks, that's all well and fine, but how is he supposed to produce resumes? Besides, an awful lot of jobs are advertised online these days. Computers aren't just toys; they're your window on the world these days. Throwing it out will be counterproductive; he just needs to be using it for its proper purposes.

[Fedup&givingup]

Right, the computer isn't this man's problem.

[krs1041]

Well, I can say it is definately a Good Friday. My husband got a call today from a place he interviewed with long ago and the man asked him if he'd found a job yet. He told my husband that he was going to call him on Monday and offer him a job if he was still interested (My husband, of course, said absolutely!) the man just didn't have time to give him the details of the job today. But he wanted my family to have a wonderful Easter. So it looks like after 1 1/2 years it will soon be coming to an end-just as I was at my end. God is definately looking over us! Thank you all for your input!

[moimeme]

Fantastic! That is really, really great for you both!

 

[Fedup&givingup]

AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!