First time 'our' plans had to be cancelled..

[OWoman]

Isn't the presence of this board and others evidence enough?

 

No, it's not. It's evidence, at best, that SOME OWs have no one IRL to confide in. It's certainly not evidence that most OWs lack someone IRL to confide in. If one takes even the most modest estimates of the proportion of Ms which experience infidelity and multiply that with actual populations, to get numbers of As, and thus numbers of OWs and OMs, and compare that with the number of threads here where an OW or an OM claims not to have anyone IRL to confide in, it will be apparent that the number of OWs and OMs claiming in threads here that they do not have a RL confidante is rather lower than 50%+1 of the number of all OWs and OMs. Thus, this board, and this thread, are not sufficient evidence for that assertion.

 

I guess I'm with SG on this one. I had someone I was involved in who was in business and that was his priority. He used to treat me worse than xMM ever would have. If it's hurt you this much you need to get out now before you're in too deep. I fell madly in love with my xMM and I loved being with him. At the end of the day when I wasn't happyI left and you need to do the same. Don't wait too long and make sure you do it on your terms not his. Don't let him talk you into staying if everything inside is saying get out. I can honestly say I never had a moment like you're talking about. We had times we couldn't see each other but doesn't every couple have that. I also never stopped dating and I think that helped me a lot. I never let him be the only thing I concentrated on. He actually used to plan more around me than I did on hm. Just constantly take your temperature on this and don't let yourself get too far in. Of course I say that about any R if you want to know the truth.

 

This advice is spot on! No one should ever stay in any R where they are unhappy. If the bad aspects outweigh the good aspects, the R is a negative feature in your life and you should leave.

 

If, OTOH, the R is generally good, but has an occasional hiccup, that is a different matter, and one where you need to decide whether the "occasional hiccup" constitutes a dealbreaker or not. If you feel your dignity or self-esteem is being compromised, you should think long and hard whether or not that is a dealbreaker for you.

[skywriter]

OW said,

"If, OTOH, the R is generally good, but has an occasional hiccup, that is a different matter, and one where you need to decide whether the "occasional hiccup" constitutes a dealbreaker or not. If you feel your dignity or self-esteem is being compromised, you should think long and hard whether or not that is a dealbreaker for you."

 

....yep, this is the bottomline, sumed up, and I couldn't agree more.

[dreamingoftigers]

Could you please post links to the research study that produced those findings? AFAIK, there hasn't been any reputable, valid, reliable study on this to establish whether or not this is the case, so I'd be interested to such a study.

 

Certainly my own experience was nothing like that, but I'm not arrogant enough to assume that my experience is universal to everyone else. For those who are unlucky enough to suffer disappointments in their R, and who don't have someone IRL they can confide in, this forum has an important role to play - hence my previous thread on posting with empathy

 

I did read those findings in 'why men marry some women and not others ' don't know the source in it offhand though.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hey JT, who gets to decide if your advice is constructive? Can I? :bunny::bunny:Can I?:bunny:

 

Nooo, ME! pick ME!

 

I've got more bunnies!:bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny:

[Arrangrl]

Hi there everyone

 

Thanks once again for all the words of wisdom, I really do find them useful. Silly girl- that would have been a good way to look at it, maybe I did over react.

 

 

Arran x

[phillyfan]

Could you please post links to the research study that produced those findings? AFAIK, there hasn't been any reputable, valid, reliable study on this to establish whether or not this is the case, so I'd be interested to such a study.

 

Dude theres no study. Its somethin else misterious called 'COMMON SENSE'. :D

[Jessica232]

Hi everyone

 

I posted a few weeks ago for the first time, outlining my relationship with MM. I quite confidently stated that he had never put restrictions on me regarding contact, txt, phone calls etc and that I saw him everyday/evening.

 

Last night I experienced for the first time, a sudden change of plans, where he had to cancel our evening together. Something happened that he could not get out of and had to stay at home. I had made dinner for us and was looking forward to our evening together.

 

I can't believe how let down I felt and the fact that he was at home with his BS.

 

So this is what being an OW really feels like:(

 

Arran

 

Sadly, yes. You will feel like you're not the priority at times, even when you know they want to be with you.

 

My MM has never canceled plans we've had, but there are times that he can't get away to do things with me, and it hurts. This past Sunday it was absolutely gorgeous outside. All I wanted to do was grab a blanket, and have a picnic in the park with him. Of course he couldn't just get away for hours at a time without preplanning on a Sunday afternoon. He can't go on extended trips. We rarely get overnights. I can't say I don't get holidays, because I got New Years Eve and Valentine's Day, but celebrating Christmas days beforehand kinda sucked. Nothing can ever be done spontaneously, everything has to be pre planned. Though my situation is unique....BS found out about us two months ago, so we are being cautious now.

 

My advice is to spend time with your friends, engage in activities you enjoy, learn to go with the flow, and realize it's not because he doesn't want to be with you, it's because sometimes he just can't.

[Got it]

Um, another OW here who had people in her life who know about the relationship. Why would I have kept it secret. Being married and having a wife is his baby to rock, not mine.

 

All relationships have times where plans get canceled. It is easy as an OW to think that every time it must mean that it is a minimizing of your relationship but that is not always the case. Some times logistics and kids can cause a change in plans.

 

Know that he is probably more upset about the change and make sure he makes it up to you 100 fold.

[Jessica232]

And why might that be, pray tell??? Maybe because he is MARRIED to SOMEONE ELSE so you have to be HIDDEN?

Why do you OW VOLUNTEER for so much DISRESPECT!

 

WOW!! You should read my thread to see how much disrespect I'm getting (sarcasm). I'd say the disrespect really in most affairs goes to the BS. Comforting to think it's to the OW/OM though I'm sure. I can assure you, many of us don't feel disrespected.

[seren]

Actually Jessica, I think in most cases, both the OW/OM and the BS get disrespected during the A. Most of us BS aren't aware we are being disrespected and some OW refuse to see that seeing two women at the same time is majorly disrespectful. I would find knowingly sharing the man I love unacceptable and would feel I wasn't respecting myself. But, your boat to row.

 

It is never a comfort to read when someone is hurt, ever, whether they are BW, WS or OW/OM. Glad you are in the A with your eyes open. Is the BS now aware and does she think it is over or has she made a choice to stay with her husband? If she has chosen to stay and so has he, sounds more like an open marriage than an A.

[whichwayisup]

Um, another OW here who had people in her life who know about the relationship. Why would I have kept it secret. Being married and having a wife is his baby to rock, not mine.

 

All relationships have times where plans get canceled. It is easy as an OW to think that every time it must mean that it is a minimizing of your relationship but that is not always the case. Some times logistics and kids can cause a change in plans.

 

Know that he is probably more upset about the change and make sure he makes it up to you 100 fold.

 

So, a MM ends up in the hospital. Who does he call to sit by his bedside? His OW over his wife? I don't think so. If two crisis' happen at the same time, he is going to choose his OW over his wife? Sorry, but I don't think so.

[OWoman]

I did read those findings in 'why men marry some women and not others ' don't know the source in it offhand though.

 

Right. I've looked up this book, which was based on market research (ie, focused on selling a product at the end of the process, not on contributing to shifting the frontiers of knowledge, as would be scientific research) conducted by the author and his team. No details of the actual studies are given, so there is no means possible to ascertain whether any of the claims made in the book have, in fact, any material basis. I can conduct a study and make any claim on the basis of having conducted that study; it is only if I publish my methodology and findings and invite my peers to judge the validity for themselves that my study can stand up as valid research. Otherwise, its status is mere opinion.

 

If I claimed that "most OW have no one IRL to confide in about their Rs", based on 67% of my respondents telling me that, some people may be impressed and take that "finding" as a fact. But if they knew that "my respondents" were three people I'd spoken to down the pub, who'd never themselves had an A and were simply imagining what it might be like, and that two of these people thought that that must be the case... well, the "grounds" start looking a little more shaky, and fewer people would be inclined to take my claim as gospel.

[OWoman]

Dude theres no study. Its somethin else misterious called 'COMMON SENSE'. :D

 

Yep. Which is another term for "popular assumption", ie prejudice.

 

Which is a very different thing to GOOD SENSE.

[Got it]

So, a MM ends up in the hospital. Who does he call to sit by his bedside? His OW over his wife? I don't think so. If two crisis' happen at the same time, he is going to choose his OW over his wife? Sorry, but I don't think so.

 

It depends on the situation but there have been OW by their bedside.

 

Each relationship is unique. On the latter question, yes even when we were an EMR, he would have choosen me over his wife though the kids would have always come first.

 

LoveShack is not a true representation of EMRs as a whole. There are many different ones and many happy ones. You just won't find them here.

 

There are EMRs that the BW knows about and has "condoned" for a multitude of reasons. It does happen.

[Holding-On]

Isn't the presence of this board and others evidence enough? This very thread is evidence.

 

No. Logically fallable.

 

It may be evidence that people want a wider perspective than what they have or the experience of people going through something similar, not a certainty that they have no confidantes in real life.

 

but I like your posts generally JT so this is not a jab. I'm just pedantic.

[Holding-On]

and add me to the chorus of people with real life confidantes at the time and presently.

 

However, I don't have the perspective of many/most posters on this board. I tend to hang out, shockingly, with people similar to me in outlook. So this board is invaluable in that respect.

[Summer Breeze]

I never hid my R with xMM from my friends or family. I had nothing to be ashamed of and he was part of my life. Our photos are still on Facebook with him tagged. I met most of his friends and at one point he had a Dr appointment to discuss treatment for an ailment and he had me go with him. I had something happen to me and I called him while he was with his W and he left her to be at my side. I wouldn't have accepted less and he knew it. When it was more than I felt I could accept I was out of there.

[NoIDidn't]

Typically, if the first time goes well, as in you not arguing about it and not making a big stink about it, it gets easier for the MM to do it again and again. This isn't all that unique to MM, though. It seems human nature for when you know you have to disappoint someone.

 

Another common tactic is to stop making outright plans altogether. Just "hanging out" at your place becomes the "plan". I wouldn't tolerate this from a guy I was supposed to be dating which implies going out with.

[Arrangrl]

29c

 

Why do you feel you have the right to ask me such a personal question? You are making the assumption that I am in fact ( I'll use your crass adjective) 'screwing' ?

 

So in response to that part of your post, of you 'just asking' me

 

It's none of your business.

 

 

Arran.

[daisy love]

Hi everyone

 

I posted a few weeks ago for the first time, outlining my relationship with MM. I quite confidently stated that he had never put restrictions on me regarding contact, txt, phone calls etc and that I saw him everyday/evening.

 

Last night I experienced for the first time, a sudden change of plans, where he had to cancel our evening together. Something happened that he could not get out of and had to stay at home. I had made dinner for us and was looking forward to our evening together.

 

I can't believe how let down I felt and the fact that he was at home with his BS.

 

So this is what being an OW really feels like:(

 

Arran

 

This used to happen to me, but it doesn't that much any more. You need to set your man down, and talk to him about your expectations!In the meantime, do things you like to do to make yourself happy. My man gave me one of his credit cards, so when I feel sad, I have a spa day! He doesn't mind, you know, it's the least he can do! Sometimes, I take one of my girlfriends. She knows all about my man, and she understands. She is my rock when he has to be away from me!It's too bad about this board. It should be a place of support for us women, but sadly, it really isn't. So having a friend to confide in really helps. Your friends know you and what you're all about and they DON'T JUDGE!

[jwi71]

 

I can't believe how let down I felt and the fact that he was at home with his BS.

 

 

Are you let down SPECIFICALLY because he choose his W over you?

Would you have felt let down (or to this degree anyway) had he chosen to play golf instead?

 

It seems like you feel bad because this time you "lost" to his W. And that losing is the blow and not so much him canceling the plans.

 

And as others have said...he's retired, been married 30+ years and has a history of being unfaithful...the end you want seems very remote indeed. BE very careful in hanging any shred of your self-worth on his choosing his W over you in ANY capacity...you are likely to "lose" (though, and you wont see it now, you would really WIN by being rid of him).

[Summer Breeze]

Are you let down SPECIFICALLY because he choose his W over you?

Would you have felt let down (or to this degree anyway) had he chosen to play golf instead?

 

It seems like you feel bad because this time you "lost" to his W. And that losing is the blow and not so much him canceling the plans.

 

And as others have said...he's retired, been married 30+ years and has a history of being unfaithful...the end you want seems very remote indeed. BE very careful in hanging any shred of your self-worth on his choosing his W over you in ANY capacity...you are likely to "lose" (though, and you wont see it now, you would really WIN by being rid of him).

 

Excellent post. We shouldn't ever make our self worth dependent on anyone's thoughts of us. It's difficult sometimes but I keep saying you should never lose yourself in ANY R not just an A. When you start letting someone else dictate your self worth youve lost. Please keep in mind when I say that I don't mean someone who is deliberately hurting you I mean anyone. A boss or a friend or a lover or a spouse. Do not let them set your worth whether intentionally or by circumstance. If you let it happen you're getting lost. That's when things get out of balance.