I have a girlfriend but I will always be in love with you

[Ms. Joolie]

So, partner A chooses to lie by omission and so, if you're a secure person, you wouldn't question their trustworthiness since it's in the past? And this same fantasy broke his prior relationship? Hello? Your logic makes zero sense to me.

 

That is correct, I would not question their trustworthiness. I would question whether or not this person withholds often and with what reason, or with what intention.

 

A communication withhold in itself is not the shattering of a relationship, or the shattering of trust.

 

I'm not sure what fantasy you speak of, but what I understand is this guy had (past tense) some closure to deal with or some open feelings.

 

 

Historical patterning is the best way to gauge how a person will react currently and in the future. And currently, he's changed his story about contact post exclusivity. Bet if she seriously wanted to know the truth, his story would continue...evolving...to his benefit...until soon, he will be a shining knight or someone victimized by his ex/ex or worse yet, victimized by Kamille.

 

Historical patterning provides for a certain possibility of behavior in the present and the future, but it is not the only way to gauge how a person will act and not the best. It is not reliable now and not true now, it is the past.

 

I look at a person, at a relationship, the way it is now and what is possible for its future. The past does not dictate to me the future.

[threebyfate]

That is correct, I would not question their trustworthiness. I would question whether or not this person withholds often and with what reason, or with what intention.

 

A communication withhold in itself is not the shattering of a relationship, or the shattering of trust.

 

I'm not sure what fantasy you speak of, but what I understand is this guy had (past tense) some closure to deal with or some open feelings.

 

Historical patterning provides for a certain possibility of behavior in the present and the future, but it is not the only way to gauge how a person will act and not the best. It is not reliable now and not true now, it is the past.

 

I look at a person, at a relationship, the way it is now and what is possible for its future. The past does not dictate to me the future.

This is the perfect set up for the serial killer example...the one where many of them used to torture kittens but since they appear to be fine now, it's all good!

 

Or pedophiles. Or abusive individuals, whether sexually, physically or emotionally. Or serial cheaters. It goes on and on and on.

 

Now doesn't exist. The minute you think about now, it's already in the past. As far as future possibilities, these possibilities are generated by....wait for it...assumptions, especially if you don't take past behaviours into consideration!

 

Anyways, we appear to have very different ways to approach life. I think your approach is asking for it up the heineken but hey, whatever floats your boat.

[Ms. Joolie]

Anyways, we appear to have very different ways to approach life. I think your approach is asking for it up the heineken but hey, whatever floats your boat.

 

I am just giving allowance to the guy because with all we know the past 18 months have been great on the record.

 

Different perspectives, different approaches.

[threebyfate]

I am just giving allowance to the guy because with all we know the past 18 months have been great on the record.

 

Different perspectives, different approaches.

Do you know how brain chemistry works or have any idea? There has been much research on it and many theories.

 

For example, take the theory about how from birth, our brain slowly shuts down neural pathways that we don't use, so there's more efficient use of the brain.

 

In essence, we create shortcuts which can be applied in this situation as coping tools. So in order to change our coping tools, we have to reopen closed neural pathways through conscious repetition which is how I'm guessing, CBT and other psychological coping methodology works.

 

Now with this guy, he's been living with his fantasy for many, many years, hammering it into his psyche. Somehow, he's used it to get his dopamine hit. To believe he can just flip that switch in one weekend is a huge assumption, one that's an ass-umption.

 

And, those 18 months haven't been bump free. They've had other issues, ones where he's not been "all in".

[Kamille]

Interesting discussion. I'll try to address some of the points that were raised.

 

Bf does know about LS and my identity here, but I don't think he's currently reading it. He told me he would tell me if he felt like reading here.

 

I actually think Miss Joolie raises a good point. I have been wondering what it is about the current relationship that made me jump to the conclusion that he might want to visit his ex while visiting his brother. I indeed have nothing to substantiate it. A twitter from 2009 isn't exactly proof that your bf is planning on meeting up with an ex in 2011. Not to mention the fact that: if she posted that, she probably didn't want to pursue anything with him (if he was indeed pursuing her). I mean, if a guy with a gf was pursuing you and you wanted to explore things with him, you wouldn't tweet it to the world.

 

Our relationship as it has been in the last year hasn't given me any reason to be jealous or suspicious. And yet, when the insecurities flare up, they hit me like a freight train, much like they did yesterday. I struggle to identify what is prompting them.

 

I forgave him in 2009 for omitting information. Why am I suddenly feeling insecure again?

[pandagirl]

I think Kamille will stay true to herself and knows what she can/will tolerate in her relationship.

 

Above all, I just would hate to see K continue on in a relationship with these doubts and insecurities. How can they be resolved? That's up to them to decide. I hope she can find out the truth and decide from there.

 

Kamille, question: You said that her Twitter post was dated two months after that lunch. I'm confused as to why she posted about it then. Your boyfriend said he didn't have any contact with her after that lunch, right?

[threebyfate]

Kamille, I knew right out the gate that you'd forgive him and try to work on it. But I think you're making a mistake so that's why I feel it's worthwhile to state.

 

And yet, this is your life and your decision. Just keep your eyes wide open. It's not over.

[pandagirl]

Kamille, I knew right out the gate that you'd forgive him and try to work on it. But I think you're making a mistake so that's why I feel it's worthwhile to state.

 

And yet, this is your life and your decision. Just keep your eyes wide open. It's not over.

 

TBF, I'm just wondering why you seem 100% positive that she is making a mistake and that this issue isn't over?

[Kamille]

Panda, the "delay" is what drives me crazy, as it could indicate that he pursued her after they met during our trip. I kept bringing it up (Why would she post it 2 months after?) and that's when he said maybe he spoke to her after the restaurant date, but that if he did, he doesn't remember. So in a way, the story "change" isn't valid evidence of anything, because I pushed him to try and explain it. The only explanation that would have evidenced anything would have been: "you got me! yes we were in touch".

 

 

 

 

Kamille, I knew right out the gate that you'd forgive him and try to work on it. But I think you're making a mistake so that's why I feel it's worthwhile to state.

 

And yet, this is your life and your decision. Just keep your eyes wide open. It's not over.

 

Last night, I felt like I was damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I break things off because of this, I would feel like I am making a huge mistake. If I stay, I might find out he's been playing me all along.

 

Other things to take into consideration:

- I'm exhausted and stressed lately, and when I am exhausted and stressed, I tend to try and find problems in my relationship.

- Considering we are long term long distance right now, I don't think I fear loss. I feel lonely a lot, I feel he's far. I feel torn between my career and my relationship. I feel "in transit" right now. Like I can't really settle in either one or the other.

 

I just typed that out and realize that's probably the main issue right now, and the reason I feel so insecure.

[threebyfate]

TBF, I'm just wondering why you seem 100% positive that she is making a mistake and that this issue isn't over?

Consider what he did 18 months ago. Why would he want the two to meet without telling Kamille that this was an ex he was still in love with, the fantasy that killed his prior relationship? Had Kamille stayed, how would have gotten the purported "finality" he was looking for? During his discussion with the ex, did she reject him again? And if so, was this his "eureka" moment with Kamille? So what happens in the future if the ex were to crook her finger at him?

 

Also, his story has changed from one day to the next. No, he wasn't in contact since the meeting, to he didn't "think" so. Umm...she was his fantasy for years. You don't "forget" details like that about an obsession.

[threebyfate]

Panda, the "delay" is what drives me crazy, as it could indicate that he pursued her after they met during our trip. I kept bringing it up (Why would she post it 2 months after?) and that's when he said maybe he spoke to her after the restaurant date, but that if he did, he doesn't remember. So in a way, the story "change" isn't valid evidence of anything, because I pushed him to try and explain it. The only explanation that would have evidenced anything would have been: "you got me! yes we were in touch".

Oh come on, Kamille, you can't push someone to change their story if their story was honest.

 

Last night, I felt like I was damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I break things off because of this, I would feel like I am making a huge mistake. If I stay, I might find out he's been playing me all along.

 

Other things to take into consideration:

- I'm exhausted and stressed lately, and when I am exhausted and stressed, I tend to try and find problems in my relationship.

- Considering we are long term long distance right now, I don't think I fear loss. I feel lonely a lot, I feel he's far. I feel torn between my career and my relationship. I feel "in transit" right now. Like I can't really settle in either one or the other.

 

I just typed that out and realize that's probably the main issue right now, and the reason I feel so insecure.

Let's get something straight. I don't think he's played you. I just think he's one confused dude, one who's not reliable. He needs to get his head on straight prior to getting into any relationship.

[pandagirl]

Panda, the "delay" is what drives me crazy, as it could indicate that he pursued her after they met during our trip. I kept bringing it up (Why would she post it 2 months after?) and that's when he said maybe he spoke to her after the restaurant date, but that if he did, he doesn't remember. So in a way, the story "change" isn't valid evidence of anything, because I pushed him to try and explain it. The only explanation that would have evidenced anything would have been: "you got me! yes we were in touch".

 

Consider what he did 18 months ago. Why would he want the two to meet without telling Kamille that this was an ex he was still in love with, the fantasy that killed his prior relationship? Had Kamille stayed, how would have gotten the purported "finality" he was looking for? During his discussion with the ex, did she reject him again? And if so, was this his "eureka" moment with Kamille? So what happens in the future if the ex were to crook her finger at him?

 

Also, his story has changed from one day to the next. No, he wasn't in contact since the meeting, to he didn't "think" so. Umm...she was his fantasy for years. You don't "forget" details like that about an obsession.

 

I think what sets off my spidey sense is I get the feeling he was in contact with her after that lunch. I agree with TBF that you just don't "forget" if you talked to someone or not, especially someone he was infatuated with and caused the dissolution of his previous relationship. He said that "maybe" he did, and if he did he doesn't "remember"? That reply doesn't sit right with me.

 

If I were you, I could probably get past most of this, EXCEPT FOR THIS PART. This all happened at the onset of your relationship -- and while TBF doesn't agree -- I feel like you could move past it. However, now the past is being brought into the present with his suspicious answers and replies to your questioning.

 

I feel like he isn't telling the truth somewhere. But you know him better than all of us do.

[Kamille]

He can be quite absent-minded.

 

I don't think she shut him down and that's when he came back and decided to be exclusive with me. The evening we had when he came back just didn't have that feel. The guy acted like someone for whom a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Had he been rejected and then chosen to "settle" for number 2, I don't think his attitude would have been the same. He acted like someone who finally had clarity.

 

They had plans to meet before I was invited. I was invited on the day of the meeting, because we were having such a blast together. We just were so into each other that weekend, like blown away by each other, feeling addicted to each other. Possibly, on the day of the date, he invited me because he no longer needed "closure" - but got it anyway because I didn't go.

[pandagirl]

Honestly, I think all that matters is if you feel like he is being open and truthful with you. And if you really believe him and trust him, then you can move past this.

 

And even if it comes back to bite you, so what?

[threebyfate]

He can be quite absent-minded.

 

I don't think she shut him down and that's when he came back and decided to be exclusive with me. The evening we had when he came back just didn't have that feel. The guy acted like someone for whom a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Had he been rejected and then chosen to "settle" for number 2, I don't think his attitude would have been the same. He acted like someone who finally had clarity.

 

They had plans to meet before I was invited. I was invited on the day of the meeting, because we were having such a blast together. We just were so into each other that weekend, like blown away by each other, feeling addicted to each other. Possibly, on the day of the date, he invited me because he no longer needed "closure" - but got it anyway because I didn't go.

If he no longer needed "closure" why did he even go for lunch? You'd think that someone who was already certain, wouldn't bother with the past.

 

I suspect you were invited for comparison.

[betterdeal]

Sit back, watch and listen. Or go around in circles. Which is preferable?

[Kamille]

Sit back, watch and listen. Or go around in circles. Which is preferable?

 

Definitely option A.

 

Sitting back, watching and listening is kind of difficult from a distance however.

 

I'm feeling emotional tonight. Tired, insecure and lonely.

[Ariadne]

I feel lonely a lot, I feel he's far. I feel torn between my career and my relationship. I feel "in transit" right now. Like I can't really settle in either one or the other.

 

Why am I suddenly feeling insecure again?

 

This is a good point.

 

Sounds like this relationship has been for the most part long distance. Now you guys have to make is solid and you´d have to move to his city (I recall he has children or reasons to make it difficult to move).

 

That can bring anxieties and doubts that this whole thing is worth it and that he is the right guy for all of this (and not because he didn´t tell you at the time that the friend he invited you to meet at lunch before you went steady some 2 yrs ago was an ex, which he later told you).

[eerie_reverie]

I agree with TBF. He sounds too fcvked up to be trustworthy. Not more fcvked up than average, but a lot of people are shadier than you'd think.

 

However, I think you will know the truth in your gut if you just let things play out. Based on what he says, how he acts, whether it seems like he's lying. You're a smart girl; I am confident that you'll "know". You'll sense where his heart is at. Trust your gut.

[eerie_reverie]

So he's got this love from 12 years ago, and he's got this kid.

 

Did he have the kid with the next woman? Did his obsession with the ex screw up the relationship with the kid's mother?

 

I think you are amazing, Kamille, and I don't mean to doubt your judgement of your bf's character. After all, you know him best.

 

However, if the above are the facts, I think it's a little disturbing that the past had such a hold on him that he'd let it tear apart his family. I hope that's a red flag you've considered.

[Kamille]

It's a red flag he's considered. His relationship with the mother of child was incredibly messy. They did a lot of therapy and he did a lot of therapy on his own once they split ways. I prefer not to go much further into the details of his personal life.

[2sunny]

just remember that EVERYTHING is temporary.

 

IF you view it that way - go with it until it's no longer fun. keep it light and easy... allow him to understand that you are living for YOUR best interest... especially since he's not always around. there's no need for you to feel so alone all the time since he's far away - go out, date, have fun living. he's not married you - so get busy living.

 

the more info he with holds, the more things "he can't remember" the more you GO OUT!!!

 

you're still single =act as if you are single!

[2sunny]

when you KNOW exactly where the truth is - you don't need to wonder... you don't chase the truth, you don't have truth taking up space in your head.

 

the fact that it is making you wonder and is taking up space in your head is definitely a BIG red flag that there are many things that don't make sense.

 

when a man makes me wonder - i walk. a man of honor doesn't conveniently forget when he saw someone last. especially someone he loved... he lies.

[betterdeal]

Sitting back, watching and listening is kind of difficult from a distance however.

 

Depends on what you're watching and listening to. Trying to get a view of what's going on in a different city from where you are is going to give you eye-strain. Paying attention to what's going in your life - as in the here and now - it a lot easier on the eye.

 

I'm feeling emotional tonight. Tired, insecure and lonely.

 

You have a secure home, food, heat, water. I don't wish to sound flippant but these are the real things that we need to survive. What's to be insecure about?

 

As for feeling lonely, how about turning that around: you're feeling sociable. What do we do when we feel sociable?

[betterdeal]

when a man makes me wonder - i walk. a man of honor doesn't conveniently forget when he saw someone last. especially someone he loved... he lies.

 

When a man brings you flowers for no reason, there's a reason.