hoping2heal Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 Yeah, I mean he's 20, he lives with his mother, and he is still in college. Her husband is in the Air Force. I guess the OM isn't an alcoholic though and dotes on her! She has admitted that she is falling out of love with her husband and has considered leaving, but I guess isn't quite ready yet. She is afraid of being broke and not being able to live in her own apartment. She also says she takes her vows seriously and that she married him and should be sticking by him. But if that were really true, why is she having an emotional affair and lying to her husband? That's certainly not in the vows! LB, I think the real reason is the first and not the latter and maybe she is afraid you will think less of her, if she comes out and says "I am just staying for the money." The other guy does not seem like much of a prize either (He's 20 and lives at home could be understandable if he was in school, working etc. but having a gf and being in an emotional affair, does not speak well of his character) , but I can appreciate that he gives her the attention and affection and fulfills her emotional needs at the moment, and I imagine being married to an alchoholic those levels are so depleted that just about any jo blo would seem appealing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted April 10, 2011 Author Share Posted April 10, 2011 LB, I think the real reason is the first and not the latter and maybe she is afraid you will think less of her, if she comes out and says "I am just staying for the money." The other guy does not seem like much of a prize either (He's 20 and lives at home could be understandable if he was in school, working etc. but having a gf and being in an emotional affair, does not speak well of his character) , but I can appreciate that he gives her the attention and affection and fulfills her emotional needs at the moment, and I imagine being married to an alchoholic those levels are so depleted that just about any jo blo would seem appealing. I think this is exactly it. She makes even LESS money then him (he doesn't even make a whole lot), so if they split up she will have nothing. Combined that will paying divorce lawyers, she is going to go broke. She HAS actually told me this is the main reason why she is staying... She has told me before that she is also worried that if she leaves him then he will go on a drinking frenzy and not stop, and that she will feel responsible. I guess that COULD happen... Link to post Share on other sites
Baroness67 Posted April 10, 2011 Share Posted April 10, 2011 Due to the natural flow of the universe, unless something else interferes, an emotional affair will nearly always turn physical, where there is proximity and opportunity. The obvious exceptions are physical distance and/or incarceration, exceptional conscience and/or religious belief, a strong grasp of logic and instinct of self-preservation ... or, you know, Heloise and Abelard, the emotional affair that continued for a lifetime. And which was so exceptional we are still talking about it as some kind of miracle like a 1000 years later. Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted April 10, 2011 Share Posted April 10, 2011 (edited) As everybody has already said, there is a very high chance of it escalating to a PA. Has anyone tried to deal with the cause of you friend's marital problem? How much support is your friend's H getting for his alcoholism? I have a friend who was an alcoholic for nearly three years. It can basically destroy any self control that the person previously had, and cause huge changes to their personality. There is a low chance that they will be able to "recover" without any support. Have you suggested an intervention to your friend? You have to be quite diligent when your dealing with addicts. At the end of the day, you can't control her, you can give her a little "kick" however. Anyway, I would say a PA is inevitable at this rate. Edited April 10, 2011 by OldOnTheInside Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted April 10, 2011 Share Posted April 10, 2011 I think this is exactly it. She makes even LESS money then him (he doesn't even make a whole lot), so if they split up she will have nothing. Combined that will paying divorce lawyers, she is going to go broke. She HAS actually told me this is the main reason why she is staying... She has told me before that she is also worried that if she leaves him then he will go on a drinking frenzy and not stop, and that she will feel responsible. I guess that COULD happen... Ya, he could also find out about his wife having an affair and go into a drinking frenzy, too.. That is one of the many unfortunate, and there are several aspects of being married to an alchoholic. The guilt, the blurred boundaries, the feeling responsible for THEIR behavior and THEIR reactions. I just hope the two of them never have children. What a remarkbly grim situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted April 10, 2011 Author Share Posted April 10, 2011 As everybody has already said, there is a very high chance of it escalating to a PA. Has anyone tried to deal with the cause of you friend's marital problem? Like a marriage counselor? They haven't gone to that, but her husband went to psychiatrist because he thought that he was drinking because of depression. He was given anti-depressants, which helped somewhat, but it didn't help him to stop drinking. I think only rehab will be able to do that since he is physically dependent. It would be dangerous for him to stop on his own anyway. How much support is your friend's H getting for his alcoholism? None. He refuses to go to rehab because he is still in the airforce, he won't go to outpatient treatment because he is afraid of the military finding out he has a substance abuse problem. He has about 6 more months of service, so my friend is hoping that he will go to rehab after he gets out of the military. He tries to "cut down" but obviously an alcoholic is unable to do. He tries to just be a social drinker and he can't. Ultimately I think these are just excuses/rationalizations for my friend's husband to keep drinking and not get help. Have you suggested an intervention to your friend? . Yeah, I don't think she will do it though, she doesn't have enough courage and is too codependent. I also think that if she forces him to get help then she doesn't have a reason to keep this EA going... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted April 12, 2011 Author Share Posted April 12, 2011 Oh man, you guys called it. So something happened the other night with my friend and OM, a make out session. Oy, I feel bad for her husband! He has a bad temper, paired with being an alcoholic, I think if he found out he would probably kill the dude! She thinks if she keeps lying about it and sneaking around her husband won't find out, but I disagree with that! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 TBH, LB, I'd just tell her what I posted prior and then step completely back. Disconnect her for now. No need having that stuff leak into your healthy M, even incidentally. Link to post Share on other sites
JadedAmore Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 Absolutely, I believe an EA could easily turn into a PA. The sad thing is, and I don't know if it rings true for all, but I believe that while yes, PA's are hurtful and can do quite a bit of damage.. EAs are just as bad. I was a BW, and my xH had both PAs and EAs. I'm not sure how many of his EAs turned physical, but I know when I discovered them it was just as hurtful, because this is someone he invested endless amounts of time and emotion into. Emotion, that he was supposed to be investing in me, HIS WIFE. I'm almost certain that had I not caught them, the EA would've easily turned physical. In fact, I'm pretty certain it was a PA. The only thing that had me on the fence was how confused and hurt the OW was when she discovered that he was married and how... how do I say it... innocent, she seemed. I told xH I hoped he was proud, because he destroyed her. She was young and naive, and now she is probably going to have issues with men for quite some time. Link to post Share on other sites
blizzard Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 yes it will. Oddly enough we have a similar situation. During my seperation I was involved with a so called "divorcing" MM who's wife was an alcoholic. We were old friends so it began as more of a EA. Leaning on me about her and her condition. Around 9mts later, the PA began. Long story short...he prolonged the divorce, then he threw me under the bus at dday...went back to her b/c she swore she would get help and wanted to reconcile. She didn't get help. Well, not immediately. After sending me a nasty short note 6 months later, she hit rock bottom. Then the troops were sent in I guess. Her "recovered" parents moved closer to support her...she went into a rehab center. I have no idea what happened next. He is still with her. Link to post Share on other sites
blizzard Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 I think this is exactly it. She makes even LESS money then him (he doesn't even make a whole lot), so if they split up she will have nothing. Combined that will paying divorce lawyers, she is going to go broke. She HAS actually told me this is the main reason why she is staying... She has told me before that she is also worried that if she leaves him then he will go on a drinking frenzy and not stop, and that she will feel responsible. I guess that COULD happen... He told me the same thing. He felt "responsible" for her. She would drink herself to death. He was afraid that she would take all of their money because most of it was hers...Even wanted to go the online divorce route...filing themselves b/c of money issues. Told me they divided assests in the house. BLAH BLAH. Everything that you have written I was told by MM with the drunk wife. Link to post Share on other sites
woundedheart Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 Oh it most certainly can! My FWH had been talking to his friend's wife. It started as just casual chat when he had called her H and he wasn't the one who answered the phone. They live 800 miles away so I didn't think anything of it. Then one day he decided to do some complaining about me to her. That's were she hooked him. It went to "pity" discussions to "what a *$%#% you have for a W, I know how you feel my husband is such a *&%". It then became sexual conversations of "I would like to ________ you and ______with my_______. You name it. It was like calling a 900 number. Then the sexting started. Less than a month into it they had plotted to get me out of town to spend 2 wks together. When I got sick and didn't go she still flew here and they spent two days in a hotel banging each other's brains out . Do I think it will go there? You bet I do! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted April 12, 2011 Author Share Posted April 12, 2011 Thank you for sharing your opinions and experiences. I think her husband will find out at some point, all the lying and deception will catch up with her eventually. She seems to be in denial about this fact. I suggested she be honest with her husband, but I highly doubt she'd ever do that. Most likley what will happen, is that it will progress to the point where they sleep together and continue to do so. Her husband will eventually catch out and do some serious damage to her AP and end up in jail. It's basically going to blow up in her face. Maybe she wants him to find out and leave her, then she doesn't have to do it... Link to post Share on other sites
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