Getting Ex Back - Laws of Attraction

[dearestpie]

We got into a fight about one night when she was flirting with a guy at a bar, and I told her I can't do this anymore like with her going out so much and partying (i was never against it, but b/c of that one time, it started ripping me apart) but she took it as a complete break up and then she couldn't talk about it for a couple days until we did and she said she needed time and space to do her own thing because she feels that she may not have the opportunity to because her and I could get married (she told me she "knows" she is going to marry me) So up to this point (it's been about month and a half since that "break up") she still says I love you and texts me, but I have been going NC for a couple days ... I feel like I really need to go NC because she is just looking for that comfort and that ego boost when she texts me to know she still has me and can do what she wants .. What do you think?

 

I read a little of your other posts, and honestly she is not treating you the way you treat someone you love. You are exactly right, she is looking for the comfort and ego boost of knowing somebody loves her, and you can't give her that. Go NC, because you deserve better than being strung along. You deserve more than that.

[jacksonBrown]

As wonderful as this post is, I agree with some other people on here. You can not make you moving on about your ex. You have to do it for you and you alone, otherwise it's not really letting go. If you are truly over your ex, it won't matter whether you get back together or not, because you have come to terms with it, forgiven and let go. That is the only way for you to ever have a relationship with that person again. It can't be "getting back together" because what you had with them is gone. If you do ever start a relationship again, it has to be completely new. Otherwise there is no way for it to work.

 

I know it's hard, I myself am struggling with it so much, because I'm so afraid to stop loving the person. For a while I was doing fine because of this thread, because I told myself I was focusing on myself for me, but it was still all for him. I was still trying to improve myself with the hopes that he would see and want be back. When I realized that, I broke down, but now I feel one step closer to moving on with my life.

 

If I've learned anything from these Second Chances threads, it's that even if you do get back together with your ex, it's never going to work out unless you are completely over each other. There are too many emotions, doubts etc still floating around.

 

You have to let go, for yourself. This article is great for helping you realize that, just as long as you're not doing it in hopes of reconciliation.

 

I agree this thread is great for helping you move on.. if you are using this to hopefully get them back one day then you are not actually getting over them are you?

[00sports00]

I read a little of your other posts, and honestly she is not treating you the way you treat someone you love. You are exactly right, she is looking for the comfort and ego boost of knowing somebody loves her, and you can't give her that. Go NC, because you deserve better than being strung along. You deserve more than that.

 

Thank you dearestpie, you definitely opened my eyes up a little more, and I was assuming that was going on but you definitely helped me with you agreeing with what's going on being from an outside perspective. We had an amazing 8 months, but I feel that her age definitely is getting in the way. I do love the girl, and would love to be with her, but at this time it doesn't seem as though she wants that, like you said with her stringing me along and that she wants to go out and do her thing and at the same time send me these messages because she wants to know she still has me and has that comfort level, especially her telling me she loves me still and tries to contact me with either a hey how are you or just a hey, and the one time i went NC like a week and a half ago she started getting mad and then called to hang out, which we did. I probably shouldn't of done it, but like I said I do love the girl. Do you think the next time IF she tries to do that again I should just keep going NC?

Edited June 7, 2011 by 00sports00

[Tee Heart]

I agree - in order to evolve and let yourself heal, focusing on letting them go is the only way you can grow. I've been in so much pain - Ive pushed myself to keep so much of my feelings alive but I nearly lost myself again. I read this and though hope for the future is good I have to find another things to be happy about to reach for them in order to really acheive something for myself.

 

If my girl really loves me she'll do the same for herself and who knows? We still love each other but we're both too hurt to face each other.

 

 

This article is helping me...reach a better me. That has to be the first goal.

 

 

I wish nothing but the best for you all - lets keep supporting each other.

 

Love and peace.

[dearestpie]

Thank you dearestpie, you definitely opened my eyes up a little more, and I was assuming that was going on but you definitely helped me with you agreeing with what's going on being from an outside perspective. We had an amazing 8 months, but I feel that her age definitely is getting in the way. I do love the girl, and would love to be with her, but at this time it doesn't seem as though she wants that, like you said with her stringing me along and that she wants to go out and do her thing and at the same time send me these messages because she wants to know she still has me and has that comfort level, especially her telling me she loves me still and tries to contact me with either a hey how are you or just a hey, and the one time i went NC like a week and a half ago she started getting mad and then called to hang out, which we did. I probably shouldn't of done it, but like I said I do love the girl. Do you think the next time IF she tries to do that again I should just keep going NC?

 

 

Haha yes, I believe that is the definition of no contact. I understand that NC is hard, I had it particularly easy because my ex was the one who initiated it, but you have to be the strong one in this situation. Listen to what this thread is telling you, and even if she calls or texts, just ignore them. If it would make you feel better, send her a quick email or text telling her that you really just need your space right now, and if she loves you as she says she does she will respect that. Then, you have to stay NC, because it is what's best for you.

 

Be strong.

[00sports00]

Haha yes, I believe that is the definition of no contact. I understand that NC is hard, I had it particularly easy because my ex was the one who initiated it, but you have to be the strong one in this situation. Listen to what this thread is telling you, and even if she calls or texts, just ignore them. If it would make you feel better, send her a quick email or text telling her that you really just need your space right now, and if she loves you as she says she does she will respect that. Then, you have to stay NC, because it is what's best for you.

 

Be strong.

 

Dearestpie,

 

I am trying desperately to be strong. A couple days ago I asked her to call me because I needed to talk to her about something important. Long story short she calls me next day and I ask her straight up what she wants right now and she said to go out and experience the world and all that talk. I said that I fully respect that and I love her but I for my self need to move forward. A couple minutes later she tells me to hold on for a second and when she got back on the phone she said this is making her mad and she wanted to have a fun night and she hung up the phone. So i texted her back telling her that I was trying to see if we could get back together and work things out but from what she said I got my answer. I also added that I respect her decision and understand where she is at right now and with that I need to move forward. I ended the message saying that I hope everything works out for you and I wish you the very best. About 10 minutes later she texted back "don't ever say that again." I don't know what that means? maybe you do? .... I have kept NC (it's been about 3 days since that happened) I don't know if she will ever talk to me again, what do you think? ... I would really appreciate your advice and assess of the situation, thank you so much

Edited June 12, 2011 by 00sports00

[iceweasel6]

Dearestpie,

 

I am trying desperately to be strong. A couple days ago I asked her to call me because I needed to talk to her about something important.

 

I ended the message saying that I hope everything works out for you and I wish you the very best. About 10 minutes later she texted back "don't ever say that again."

 

What I have to say you may not want to hear. This is real.

 

#1 Your important call was to ask her a question? What would very important be - ask her what she's doing?

 

Seriously dude, you didn't have anything important to say to her, and your wasting her time, as well as confirming that your a looser.

 

#2 Ending it how you did deserves the response you got. If you really wished the best for her, and hope everything works out - you would not have called her asking such a ridiculous question.

 

Now that the realness is over. Lets talk.

 

What were you thinking? Your walking into a battle zone dressed in underwear and no armor or weapons. You are in no condition to talk to your ex, much less want to reconcile. The cowardly way that you used to get her to respond to your plea is evident enough ("i have something important to talk to you about"). Then you top of the conversation with some self righteous bull****.

 

Seriously???

 

Follow the first post in this thread. Some people will say "the motivation is wrong", "your going no contact for the wrong reasons". In crisis, the motivation / initial reason is less important than action being taken. You need a swift wakeup kick that you need to move on, even if it's initially for the wrong reasons.

 

There is a reason why you work on yourself for 3 months (which by the way is 1/4 of year) A lot can happen in that time period. By the time your 1/2 way through, or even 1 month of no contact your motives will galvanize. You may be resolved to get your ex back, or you may not. But for the love of god and all things holy, don't call her again for at least 3 months. Your next communication with her should be a letter telling her she was right, the breakup is for the best, and how ashamed you were for your actions. Then nothing. Unless she contacts you, keep it short - 1 sentence only without exceptions. No contact!

[00sports00]

What I have to say you may not want to hear. This is real.

 

#1 Your important call was to ask her a question? What would very important be - ask her what she's doing?

 

Seriously dude, you didn't have anything important to say to her, and your wasting her time, as well as confirming that your a looser.

 

#2 Ending it how you did deserves the response you got. If you really wished the best for her, and hope everything works out - you would not have called her asking such a ridiculous question.

 

Now that the realness is over. Lets talk.

 

What were you thinking? Your walking into a battle zone dressed in underwear and no armor or weapons. You are in no condition to talk to your ex, much less want to reconcile. The cowardly way that you used to get her to respond to your plea is evident enough ("i have something important to talk to you about"). Then you top of the conversation with some self righteous bull****.

 

Seriously???

 

Follow the first post in this thread. Some people will say "the motivation is wrong", "your going no contact for the wrong reasons". In crisis, the motivation / initial reason is less important than action being taken. You need a swift wakeup kick that you need to move on, even if it's initially for the wrong reasons.

 

There is a reason why you work on yourself for 3 months (which by the way is 1/4 of year) A lot can happen in that time period. By the time your 1/2 way through, or even 1 month of no contact your motives will galvanize. You may be resolved to get your ex back, or you may not. But for the love of god and all things holy, don't call her again for at least 3 months. Your next communication with her should be a letter telling her she was right, the breakup is for the best, and how ashamed you were for your actions. Then nothing. Unless she contacts you, keep it short - 1 sentence only without exceptions. No contact!

 

Trust me, I agree with the swift kick to get over her .. But, that phone call had severity to it. I was trying to find out exactly what she wanted (you may not know the whole story, but she has been saying I love you and relationship type talk around that time and I was starting to get confused). I wanted to rightfully ask exactly what she wanted with that phone call because I felt like I was getting strung along, and with what she said she wanted to do was my answer, and that's why I ended it with I have to move forward with my self and I hope all works out for you. Yea, probably wasn't the greatest of endings, but I needed to attempt to move forward with my self because I wanted her back and that answer hurt and I need motivation for my self to stray away from the situation. A lot can happen in a couple weeks, which is present time, and I am affirmatively going NC because I asked her to be real with me if she was trying to go on dates and all that good stuff (she told me she just needed some time and space) but I found that she is trying to meet other people, but she lied to me and said she isn't so I told her that is messed up to lie to me and all I asked was for her to be straight up, she has tried calling and texting and I am not responding to any of it.

[selena_cat]

I can prove this post is nothing but CORRECT. I worked on myself after me and my ex broke up 4 months ago, I became a dancer/model in my city and did a lot of fundraising for the Japan tsunami and Africa. She called me a week ago and felt a lot of regret breaking up with me and talked to me on the phone for 2 1/2 hours! That's crazy. Thanks for proving it. She even pushed the current boyfriend out of the way for me

 

 

Good for you! Always good to hear successful stories,we need more of them. BUT,isnt the fact that you're model who probably looks darn good,even her new man cant compare,isnt that also a factor?

[Karala]

This thread is so good. BUMP.

[Virgil]

Maybe I'm just stupid, but I don't see the entire point of that article.

 

What I got out of it was "be yourself; be the person your ex fell in love with. When you're that person again, they'll come back".

 

Am I right or am I totally missing something?

[Karala]

I think the point of the article is to make you see that if you suceed in cultivating an attitude of aboundance, you will end up feeling like a million dollars and have your pick of partners, ex or new.

[thelovingkind]

I agree, like the only texts on getting your ex back that are worth reading, this one emphasises to the extreme that the only way to stand a chance is to move on completely. It's not about making it appear on your facebook statuses that you've moved on, it's not about giving carefully constructed lines to his or her friends to make it seem like you're happy, it's about 100 percent moving onwards, upwards, becoming a new and better person and leaving your ex behind. When you've reached that stage, you will probably not want your ex back anyway. But if you're scared of reaching a stage where you don't want your ex back, then you're in no position to get them back.

 

It's a slightly vicious paradox, but it's also a brilliantly helpful one, because the paths to moving on and getting your ex back are exactly the same thing. So you don't need to be vexed over questions like "Do I want to risk living in false hope and strung-out sadness but potentially get my ex back? Or do I want to accept the loss and move on but lose all chance of getting them back?" They're just non-sequiturs.

 

If you want them back, do everything you can to move on!

If you want to move on, do everything you can to move on!

[broken-and-lost]

bump it thought worth bring to new members

[Frank13]

These boards are filled with people who have gone NC and worked on themselves, only to never hear from their ex again. Then after they have moved on and contact the ex for the coffee as suggested, the ex is with someone else.

[Karala]

I agree, like the only texts on getting your ex back that are worth reading, this one emphasises to the extreme that the only way to stand a chance is to move on completely. It's not about making it appear on your facebook statuses that you've moved on, it's not about giving carefully constructed lines to his or her friends to make it seem like you're happy, it's about 100 percent moving onwards, upwards, becoming a new and better person and leaving your ex behind. When you've reached that stage, you will probably not want your ex back anyway. But if you're scared of reaching a stage where you don't want your ex back, then you're in no position to get them back.

 

It's a slightly vicious paradox, but it's also a brilliantly helpful one, because the paths to moving on and getting your ex back are exactly the same thing. So you don't need to be vexed over questions like "Do I want to risk living in false hope and strung-out sadness but potentially get my ex back? Or do I want to accept the loss and move on but lose all chance of getting them back?" They're just non-sequiturs.

 

If you want them back, do everything you can to move on!

If you want to move on, do everything you can to move on!

 

You brilliantly explained why I think this article is brilliant :]

[Gack]

These boards are filled with people who have gone NC and worked on themselves, only to never hear from their ex again. Then after they have moved on and contact the ex for the coffee as suggested, the ex is with someone else.

 

Yeah.. I think so too. In all that time that has pass when you are moving on and improving yourself. Other people are hitting on your ex and she probably went out with them at some period. You probably did the same and after some time has passed, your ex might feels strange to you in that so much has changed and both or one of you might be attached to another person already.. The point of this board topic is 2nd chance. After all that we have done to move on, our ex ain't coming back already and you will probably say that if you moved on then you wouldn't care if your ex is not coming back but come on.. Isn't that a paradox.. Moving on and healing is a must but i guess the ex won't guarantee come back unless she want to and still love you.

[markyx1]

So does this mean that this thread very much applies when the ex is already dating and most probably shacking with someone else already?

[jordjones]

I think many of the dumpees at LoveShack are excessively negative about the prospects of reconciliation. Most dumpers were in love with you, and had those feelings for a reason - you once rocked their world. Times, circumstances, events, etc. cause feelings to change...but even if your ex has lost feelings for you, in most cases something is salvageable. However, you must let your ex go for an extended period of time, just as this thread suggests. Use that time to work on yourself. And when contact is initiated again, be funny, cocky, confident. Tease her/him and have a good time - which is what you were doing at the beginning of the relationship.

 

Let the old relationship die, so that a new relationship is possible.

 

Yeah.. I think so too. In all that time that has pass when you are moving on and improving yourself. Other people are hitting on your ex and she probably went out with them at some period. You probably did the same and after some time has passed, your ex might feels strange to you in that so much has changed and both or one of you might be attached to another person already.. The point of this board topic is 2nd chance. After all that we have done to move on, our ex ain't coming back already and you will probably say that if you moved on then you wouldn't care if your ex is not coming back but come on.. Isn't that a paradox.. Moving on and healing is a must but i guess the ex won't guarantee come back unless she want to and still love you.

[Cowboy1015]

Good read.

I guess the bottom line is... "Love yourself and move on with your life."

[ffw]

I was feeling down today & this post lift me up. I dont know whether this post is applicable to long term relationships? Also, if your ex is in a rebound relationship?

 

I would like to have some input from others based on this article on my situtaion:

 

My story is my ex-gf broke up with me after 4 & 1/2 years relationship (2 years toghether & 2 1/2 separated). The reason were

1) i could not commit to her properly bcs of long distance, separation & my studies.

2) she wanted to marry me & i never proposed. So, the future became too unclear for her.

 

Anyways, she broke up with me 3 weeks back saying she is no longer in love with me & found another guy with whom she can see her future. She said it was because of my lack of commitement that we came to this point & she never want to see me again. She was very angry at the time when she wrote her last mail.

 

After 3 days, I wrote a letter agreeing that it was my lack of commitement that we came to this point & apologising her to making her suffer all this long. I also said if she still has some place in her heart for me, I will marry her. I guess it was a bit too late for that. I promised her I will not contact her again & went straight for NC.

 

Since she went straight for another guy I am guessing its her rebound relationship. I am neutral about my chances. Some days I will get over her & some days it hurts. I know If she can give a chance, i will spend rest of my life with her. Any suggestions?

[jordjones]

Just give it time. Use the time to improve yourself and have some deep reflection on the reasons for your relationship failures. Since she is already sleeping with another man, you must lengthen the time frame from which to initiate contact. After all, it probably is a rebound relationship. Go no contact for at least 3 months. Use this time as an opportunity.

[DenumChkn]

I would submit that the purpose of this post and all the work it entails is to get to the point where you can view your ex as a friend and nothing more. Love your ex the same way you love your close friends, not the way you did during the height of your relationship. I would actually hate to think that my ex will never be part of my life in any way, shape or form again in life, as I think she is a genuinely good person and fun to hang out with. If you could see your ex at a party with a new guy and feel nothing but happiness for him/her and yourself, you have achieved the goal of this post. Now about a month and a half into NC, I see its true value in helping me rediscover myself and just how dependent my happiness was on my ex. I'm not all the way there but have begun to work on myself and it is amazing, all of a sudden girls at work are vying for my attention and I hardly know what to do with myself. In some ways I hope we reconnect further on down the line, but mostly I just want to do what I assume she is doing: enjoying myself and my life.