Author whatdoido1717 Posted April 27, 2011 Author Share Posted April 27, 2011 SWEET i am sure like me your thinking will get in the way of going- but i love how i feel when i stick to a commitment- i have hope you will be very proud of yourself by going instead of giving into the bad thinking of " nah not tonight, or i am tired, or i want to watch the bulls game" those are all the things i will deal with over the next 3 hours before I get picked up to go to my meeting.. love it looking forward to your next note AFTER THE MEETING;) Wah Wahhh, sorry to disappoint but I did not make it. I had a work function for employees who reached a certain achievement and it ran way long. At least I was being recognized for something, which was nice. I am not giving up on it or making excuses. Just wanted to update you. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 I tried the alcohol abatement services and wan't impressed. My addictive drug of choice is nicotine, which is in ways pretty easy to manage. Everything else is just beer pressure or event triggered, and I've learnt better ways to deal with stressful events, and I feel no pressure from friends to get wasted any more. Still, you can't knock it until you've tried it. I'm going to stop smoking from the 19th May (first day after I finish my job) and have a fitness frenzy month from that date. Perfect timing - I live near some fantastic meadows on the outskirts of town and will be out there everyday doing exercise for 30 days. I want to lose 4 inches on the waistline by the end of summer and be a social smoker at the very most. Yoga is going well. Really is liberating. Other martial arts are something to consider too. Link to post Share on other sites
tyler123 Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 BULLS WIN BULLS WIN-!!!! it's all good whatdoido that you had ****, it's ALL GOOD- i am happy i went to my meeting it was great. got home watched my bullies roll and then hawks lose in overtime. I have to admit i ordered a pizza at 10pm and paid for it on her credit card- I felt like **** from the pizza ( have stayed away from that for the past 30 days or so) contributing to my refound energy and 12lbs off- but i felt even worse from stealing like that and being selfish-- I don't like myself when i say "**** it" and my self will goes off. I prayed asked god for help and tore up her credit card number - felt peace and love, and that was my amends- woke up this morning- made my bed and felt a little emotional hungover from my bad behaviour- but at this moment i am feeling good cause i am being honest and taking actions to have better integrity and improve. Betterdeal i too smoke a **** load- i will tackle that one soon as well. ACCOUNTABILITY is huge to me and i am not perfect but try to be improving. May we will all continue with life and staying in touch.. I have a date tonight- first one met her on match. i want to be ME, genuine and not a phony. i will remind myself not to play Loathing boy, or big shot-- Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 Good luck, tyler! I'm off to Edinburgh tomorrow morning to see my cousin and some friends up there, and to enjoy the city (it's beautiful). Am looking forward to it! It's the Royal Wedding tomorrow and whilst I'm not a royalist, my cousin will be throwing a party for it which will be funny... Keep on keeping on, lads! Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatdoido1717 Posted April 28, 2011 Author Share Posted April 28, 2011 Hey everybody. Betterdeal, hope you're having a good little vacation man. Yesterday was a good day. Went to the gym twice (lift and then cardio), got a haircut, and had my piano lesson. I've been very focused on working out, my diet, and piano and it feels good. I am definately doing this for myself but to be honest I have these, I dunnno if you want to call them daydreams or fantasies, but I find myself thinking about the distant future, many months away, and I think about walking into the Bar she works at and that I always went to and just being ripped (very healthy like I used to be), decent on the piano, basically just the best I can be almost to rub it in her face. Obviously, like I said I am doin all of this for myself but I am just wondering if these thoughts are detrimental (since it is not living in the now but in the future), or if it is healthy at this point, or a positive to push me towards goals to better my own life. I don't focus on these things but after a good workout or piano lesson they sneak in and I am just like yeah, I am going to be back to being confident and even stronger (mentally and emotionally) and I hope for one second you think about how I wasn't pining over you but I left your ass and healed and look at what you lost. From experience is this a normal reaction, detrimental, something I should hold onto in the back of my head for motivation or something that will just eventually pass? (I transformed my life before going from 300 to 184 and used to be a Personal Trainer so I know the dedication has to be for yourself but am just curious about the effects of a breakup from something and somebody this toxic on goal setting and dedication I guess) Link to post Share on other sites
Pens55 Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 I think its a pretty normal reaction - I've done it myself. However, the key point is that you ARE bettering yourself for whatever reason. In time, the goal of rubbing it in her face will fade and your own self-esteem will be the main reason. For now, dont worry about it - whatever gets you motivated and through the day. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 Yeah, as Pens says, it's normal stuff that. It may be a subconscious defence planning mechanism. You *might* by accident encounter her again, and you're planning what state you want to be in if you do. You know that when you interacted with her you went downhill and you don't want to do that again. You also know you have a bit of a softspot for her so you know you *might* slip back into that routine if you meet her again. So you want to be strong in all ways in case you encounter that toxic substance again. When you are strong, you'll think nothing of her. Nothing bad, nothing good. Sure, you might crack one out to the memory of you and her occasionally, but that'll be it. If you meet again, you'll be fine about it. This is someone you were involved with, and now you're not. You're doing what you want, and so is she. Whatever her problems, they're not yours. And sooner or later you'll meet another chick who's in the same place (literally and figuratively) as you can decide then if you want to have sexy times with this new chick. You've done the rock chick thing. Next, maybe it'll be a yoga goddess or a martial arts chick, or maybe even a regular, someone from work chick. The world is your oyster. Just don't rush into anything and if it feels wrong, it is wrong, for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatdoido1717 Posted April 30, 2011 Author Share Posted April 30, 2011 Alright, here is my update: I am making a list of goals for this week: - Maintain No Contact a) Do not call, text, e-mail her. Do not accept or return calls, texts, e-mails from her. b) Do not look at pictures or videos of her/us c) Do not look her up on Facebook d) Do not look up her Ex-Fiance on Facebook e) Do not look up her sisters on Facebook Check. Maintained no contact. Obviously I didn't hear from her and I did not try and get in touch with her. The hardest part of this was not maintaining silence but rather not looking at pictures of us or her Facebook. There have been moments where I very much want to do so, but I haven't and am happy about that. - Workout Everyday this Week. I am kicking a** in the gym. I am excited about getting back to the amazing shape I used to be in. After one week I am already feeling a lot better in terms of health and fitness. I have a friend who is a Personal Trainer at the gym and he is helping me by working out with me on his lunch break (for free) and holding me accountable with my nutrition each night. - Begin Eating Healthy a) No Fast Food b) No Soda Absolutely kicked a** with my eating this week too. No Fast Food, No Soda, No Candy. In fact I have only eating a combination of chicken breast, ground turkey, steak, spinach, broccoli, cucumbers and green pepper. If you are interested in a good read regarding nutrition, check this out: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/17/magazine/mag-17Sugar-t.html - Practice Piano for at least 30 minutes Every Day. Check. I am loving the piano, I cannot wait for the day that I am actually legitimately good on it. It is a beautiful instrument and playing it is so relaxing, even if it is only "Hot Cross Buns" type songs at the moment, haha - Continue Counseling. Check. Still not super impressed with her, but it helps a little. I went this week and am going next week as well. - Continue/Finish The Power of Now. Haven't quite finished it, but have continued reading it. Great and helpful book. - Look into Yoga/Meditation locally. Did some brief searches on Google. Also, I have the class schedule for the gym which includes Yoga. I know the gym environment isn't really the same thing as the kind of meditation we were talking about, but I think a Yoga class could at least be partially helpful. - Be Sober. No booze all week. - Zach, if you find yourself struggling with not drinking and/or smoking YOU WILL GO TO AN A.A. MEETING (and if you go, you will at least go to three, per tyler's advice). Still haven't made it to a meeting with all of the things I have been doing to pre-occupy my time. - DO NOT BUY ANYMORE MARIJUANA! Do not smoke with others. Do not smoke alone! Fail. - Play Basketball at least once this week. Check. Played in a couple pick up games and shot some hoops this week. - Purchase Pre-Sale tickets Monday for Blazers Home Game on Thursday. Go to the game and have a blast! Check and Check. Too bad we lost, oh well, had a great time with my friend Will anyway. - Limit LoveShack.org time to ONE HOUR/day. Fail. I guess this isn't the worst thing to fail, but I am definitely over my "quota." - DO NOT, THIS IS IMPORTANT, READ ANYTHING ELSE ABOUT BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER! Was doing very well with this until yesterday when I got caught up in a forum on here regarding BPD. Sometimes I think it is helpful, sometimes I think it is a hindrance. Not sure what to say here. Met another member on here, Downtown, that has been very helpful though. - Read This Post Every Morning. Missed a couple days but have re-read the goals to stay focused. - Contact an old friend that I have been out of touch with. Check. - Do something nice for somebody. Check, kind of. There is an old man at one of the businesses that I service that plays the piano in the lobby. I have walked by him hundreds of time and just smile and nod. This week I told him how much I enjoy listening to him play and that I recently started lessons. We had a nice conversation for about 25 minutes. - Hold Yourself Accountable by Updating Everyone on Your Goals Here on Friday and Sunday. I am here Saturday, does that count? --- So the week has been pretty successful. I really feel like I am making progress. However, it was interesting last night. I was talking with my best friend, Casey, and he was hanging out up there (where he lives) and he ended up going to "the bar." At one point he said, "hang on, I have somebody that wants to talk to you." (...did your heart sink like mine did, don't worry, thankfully it wasn't her). It was just a local from the bar that we are friends with. I talked to him for a few minutes and then he put Casey back on the phone. I felt anxiety fill my body and then he started talking about how crowded the bar was and some other random details and it got worse. I started to shake a little bit. Then, he told me that he had only a brief interaction with Erin, just a, "Hi, How are you?" ...but by the time he finished telling me this my entire body, from shoulders to toes were shaking uncontrollably. It was intense. I didn't think it would have that kind of powerful impact on me. In reality he didn't say anything really interesting but my entire body was shaking with anxiety and nerves. It wasn't a good feeling. He asked me if I was alright as he could sense something was wrong on the phone. He said, am I making you uncomfortable being here or talking about it, and I told him yes and that I was shaking uncontrollably and didn't know why as right before he called I was feeling pretty good. We got off the phone shortly after and I went to bed. I know if Jason_Rules was here, he would tell me that I shouldn't allow my friends to talk about her or that place. He is right. I couldn't even handle hearing about it. Damn. I thought I was making some serious progress. I cannot go to that bar, maybe ever again. Wow. I guess I will leave it at that for now. Doin alright this morning, but still a little shaken, no pun intended, from last night's phone call, as innocent and harmless as it sounds. Link to post Share on other sites
neverendingdrama Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 and no offense to Erin , but you are dealing with a loose cannon and expecting to have a normal relationship and for the cannon not to explode. It was just a matter of time. It is heart breaking. From my experience with my ex , people who have not quite deal with issues from family , bring it right into their adult life. They do not know how to truly love. Lying comes very easy for them. They use it as a form of protection. If she met with Philip that night , they most likely had sex I am sorry to say. Please do yourself a favor and keep up with the NC. You are leaving her high and dry. You should write her a short letter. Tell her you wish her the best , she will always be in your thoughts and you are routing her on from afar. It is not your responsibility to fix this person. I know most of us are compassionate people and when you truly love someone , you want to change them. They need to want to change themselves. A lesson I learned. Please save yourself from some serious heartbreak. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatdoido1717 Posted April 30, 2011 Author Share Posted April 30, 2011 and no offense to Erin , but you are dealing with a loose cannon and expecting to have a normal relationship and for the cannon not to explode. It was just a matter of time. It is heart breaking. From my experience with my ex , people who have not quite deal with issues from family , bring it right into their adult life. They do not know how to truly love. Lying comes very easy for them. They use it as a form of protection. If she met with Philip that night , they most likely had sex I am sorry to say. Please do yourself a favor and keep up with the NC. You are leaving her high and dry. You should write her a short letter. Tell her you wish her the best , she will always be in your thoughts and you are routing her on from afar. It is not your responsibility to fix this person. I know most of us are compassionate people and when you truly love someone , you want to change them. They need to want to change themselves. A lesson I learned. Please save yourself from some serious heartbreak. Good luck Thanks for the response. I hear ya. For what it is worth, I have already internalized and accepted the fact that Erin and Phillip probably have had sex and are probably working on getting back together. That in itself doesn't really bother me for whatever reason. Here is an e-mail exchange between myself and another member (he posted this response on somebody else's thread as well so I don't think he will mind I post it here as well. I want it in this thread as well because down the road in my life I want to be able to reread this entire journey and look back on what I had to go through and hopefully who I became): Other Member, I wanted to say thank you for bringing your insight to the forums. I am doing better each day but I really feel like, as you recently posted, this may be something that never leaves me. In some ways that may be a positive (i.e. making me less naive, stronger, wiser, etc.) but, I guess, what I am more getting at is the feeling of "abandoning a sick loved one." I understand the truth of the situation, maybe I haven't fully accepted it and that is what is causing this to some extent. Despite all of the horrible things I endured, I still have a tremendous amount of guilt. Guilt for enabling her in her addiction and guilt for the last things I said to her. The guilt is compounded by the sorrow I have in my heart for having to let a love one live a life of misery.... ...and to know that the way things ended is only another chapter in that "misery." I know that either way I would have been painted back at some point and that my guilt and sorrow is seemingly pointless as it does her and I know good. I don't know what to do with it. It is difficult to know that even if I ever tried to express that guilt it would be, as you put it, like a sand castle near the ocean waves, immediately wiped out by the next flow of emotions. What do you recommended I do with this guilt, sorrow and pain I feel for her? I know it is impossible for everyone to like you. At times I have accepted that. It still hurts however to know that in her family's eyes I am "evil." That I was the one contributing to her sickness and addiction. I wonder to what extent they already understand all of this. I do not like living in the past and have been doing a better job of trying to stay focused on the present moment, the here and now, and sometimes that helps to at least control the emotional impact of my thoughts. But I sometimes find myself worrying or sad about her "life situation." I even think about her Ex-Fiance and whether he is being hoovered back in or is so in love with her that he is willing to stick it out no matter what. I know none of that matters anymore and that there is absolutely nothing I can do, but I sometimes find myself drafting letters to her family that I envision sending months from now. How do I let go of her? I have read a lot on BPDfamily.com, but I find the more I read and think about the illness the more I get sucked back in and consumed now that I feel I have a pretty decent grasp on what the illness entails. And what it entails frightens me for her and pains my heart. That note I found in San Diego, the one she hid in my wallet, that said, "Today is the day you saved me" tugs very much on my heart strings when I think about that contrasted with being painted black, enabling her, the awful things I said, and being just another man who abandoned her, even though all of that was destined to happen anyway. Do I just need to let time to continue to slowly heal me? As you know from reading my thread, I am in counseling but I am struggling a little with her. I am curious about my own co-dependency issues, my absent father, my first real love who turned out to be a lesbian and how that made me doubt everything I ever had with that person (the same feeling, in a different way, I have to view my relationship with my most recent Ex), etc. but she seems to want to focus on if I should go to the gym to heal or sign up for some local Softball team to heal. You are right though, friends and family that haven't, to some extent, gone through a relationship like this have a hard time understanding the intense feelings involved. I am thankful for my friend Casey though, . -Zach -- Zach, Zach, what you're struggling with is trying to bring your "inner child" into alignment with your "adult." Because it's late and I have to go to bed, I'll repeat here what I just posted in Chris' thread. It addresses that very issue. Tomorrow, I will write you again to address other issues you just raised. Here is the text I just put in Chris' thread: The reality is that learning about BPD on an intellectual level is the easy part. You can do that in a few weeks. What is hard is internalizing the information -- converting knowledge into wisdom -- so that you feel it to be true at a gut level. To do that, you have to bring your inner child (i.e., the intuitive part of your mind) into alignment with your adult's understanding. Because I had been in a 15 year relationship, it took me at least a year (and perhaps two) to accomplish that. After just two weeks of intense reading on the Internet, I had a pretty good understanding of what I needed to do to get out of the toxic relationship and why I needed to do it. Yet, because my child was over a year behind my adult, the child sabotaged my every effort to break away. It hindered me with nagging doubts, terrible guilt, and a strong feeling of obligation. It kept telling me that the theory floating around in the adult part of my mind was an insufficient basis on which to wholly abandon a loved one. Even after I had left her, I still refused to go No Contact for eight more months, at which point I finally realized she is incapable of ever being my friend. My adult dragged my child -- with him kicking and screaming every inch of the way -- to that shocking truth. How do you accomplish that? How do you teach a child -- who had felt for forty years she was my best friend -- that she never had that capability? To bring the child and adult into alignment, what helped me a little was talking about my new found knowledge to anyone who would listen. Well, that was good for a week. Then their eyes glazed over. So what helped the most was coming to this forum where I could discuss it with people who had been there, done that. Significantly, that helped my mind to associate feelings with each of the intellectual thoughts. That has to be done because the child only learns from emotional experiences -- not from logic. Writing and talking will help you internalize the information, turning knowledge into wisdom -- by connecting thoughts to feelings. If you doubt that, simply ask any university professor about its effectiveness. They will quickly tell you they never had an intuitive, deep-level understanding of their subject matter until they had to teach it to someone else -- or had to write it down very precisely when doing research. Hence, what I found most helpful is talking about it to anyone who listens and writing about it to anyone who writes back. For all human beings, it seems true that the inner child makes at least 90% (if not 95%) of the important decisions. I was 50 years old before I understood that simple notion. And it took me 12 years to do it. What happened was that, for 12 years, I took my bipolar foster son to a weekly family group meeting with the psychologist who was treating him. Whenever the psychologist challenged me on something, I always had an elaborate well-thought-out explanation for doing whatever I had chosen to do. Never mind that what I had chosen was not working with my foster son and never mind that I kept repeating the same pattern year after year. The psychologist was always greatly amused by my explanations. He would laugh and point out, in his kindly fashion, that my elaborate rationalizations could not disguise the fact that my inner child -- not my adult -- was calling all the shots, making nearly all the decisions. In any contest between the adult and child, he claimed, the child would almost always win. But I just could not swallow that concept. Yet, after twelve years of his gentle rebukes, it dawned on me one night -- right as I was about to drift into sleep -- why he had to be right. My inner child, I suddenly realized, is the sole judge of what is fun and what is not fun. That decision is all powerful. The adult part of my mind will nearly always conclude that it makes no sense -- indeed, would be preposterous -- to do something, go somewhere, or date someone I do not enjoy. My adult logic thus nearly always has to end up in the lap of my inner child. This is why learning about my exW's problem (BPD) and my problem (codependency) is the easy part. What is difficult is internalizing that understanding, i.e., transforming that knowledge into wisdom, which requires that my feelings catch up with my intellectual thoughts. Simply stated, I had to persuade my child that my adult views of my ex's illness and my own codependency are correct. Had I failed in that effort, I would have remain stuck in a destructive pattern -- repeating my past mistakes over and over, because my child will be calling nearly all the shots -Other Member -- Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatdoido1717 Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 Greetings! It's been a while, friends. What a great healer time is. It will only be a great healer if you let it. So, check it out: 1) I have been kicking serious a** at the gym and I feel great. Oh man, I feel so much better energy wise. All those rundown weekdays after a long drug filled weekend, blah! This is much better. I've dropped 3% Body Fat in two weeks. I started a blog to log all my workouts, here is the link: http://startingstrengthtransformation.tumblr.com/ 2) I haven't drank since my trip to San Diego 3) 5 piano lessons under my belt and I really love it. I am improving fast. It is inspiring my mom to play again too, and we were jamming out together on Mother's Day. It was great, I can tell it makes her really happy and it is really cool to see her getting into it again. 4) I am devouring books left and right, I can't stop reading 5) Finished my counseling and it was very helpful 6) Playing basketball all the time 7) Participating in a Heart Walk for the American Heart Association coming up 8) I've been connecting with old friends 9) I went to my hometown and fought the urge to go to "her bar" even though I thought I was ready, I wasn't yet, so I maintained NC. So life is getting A LOT better, it is about me now. I think about her a lot still, but it doesn't cause me debilitating suffering or guilt. I think the fact that I have been so proactive about turning my entire life around and focusing on bettering myself it has made this process much easier so far. Finally, as a final piece of closure for myself, I wrote a letter to her, which I don't have any intentions on giving to her, but it felt so good to get it all out. I would like to share it with you all and that will be my way of wrapping up this update. Thank you all again so much for your help along this journey. To those who really took the time out of their lives, I appreciate you more than you know (betterdeal, tyler, downtown to name a few). I really, honestly do. I am still lurking around this site so you'll see me --- 05/11/2011 Erin, Time goes by so fast, people come in and out of our lives. We must never miss the opportunity to tell these people how much they mean or have meant to us. As time goes by and feelings fade, I want to make sure I express my feelings and thoughts about the small period in our lives we spent together - whether or not your eyes ever read these words. To me it seems highly possible that even if this letter were presented to you, it might find its immediate way into a trash can. ...That it is highly possible that from the moment you hung up after leaving your last voice mail on my phone outside of Casey's house, you never looked back. Maybe everything we shared and everything I am in your eyes was painted black right then, forever. Or is it easier to peg me as all bad than live in the emotional grays of who I am; realizing both the good and bad qualities and accepting them? I struggled for a long time with the guilt and pain I felt for the incredibly harsh words I texted you in the end. For that, I am sorry. Those hateful words and the hate I expressed at you came about because, at that moment, I loved you to a point of passion that unhinged my soul. The pain I was feeling caused me to active naive and childish. Regardless, I don't ever expect you to forget that or forgive me. If it is easier to label me as wholly bad, I accept that. But in the end, I do not believe you are not evil, as I said. I spent a lot of time thinking about what our relationship actually was. What we actually had. Everybody tends to think they see things as they are, that they are objective. But that is not the case. We see the world, not as it is, but as we are - or, as we are conditioned to see it. When we open our mouths to describe what we see, we in effect describe ourselves, our perceptions, our foundation. I used to get caught up thinking about the good times we had together - the Social Distortion concert, the Blazers game, doing the Dancin' Dawg and effectively ignored other more painful memories that equally defined our time together. But as the reality of the end sank in and the denial washed away I was able to have more of an outsider's look at who we were together. As I see it now, the love, compassion and concern I had for you was real. Maybe not healthy, but real none the less. I am not certain that you were capable at that point in your life of fully loving me and reciprocate those same feelings of love. I often feel like in the beginning you adored me to the point where I felt like I was the man you wanted to come into your life as your knight in shining armor so to speak. But at the same time you didn't want me too close and I let my naivety and desire to be closer to you and make you happy, allow a lot of things that a stronger man, the man I am becoming now, would not have accepted. When I went to San Diego, on the trip we had planned on going on, I was out one night with my brother and I stepped outside. While I sat outside I reached into my wallet, for what reason I do not know, and found something I hadn't realized was in there. It was a note from you, written on a small, ripped part of the Tacoma News Tribune. The only visible part of the text left was the date, March 10th, 2011, the day I picked you up from jail. Above it you wrote, "Today is the day you saved me on the hill in the 253. Love, Erin." That was one of the hardest and most gut-wrenching moments I've experienced. The pain from reading that lasted a long time and I couldn't see how we went from that to the hateful words we exchanged. Eventually I started to think about it more clearly. As I see it, I don't believe you ever wanted to be saved. Maybe part of your self-image is that feeling of being a victim, since you have, unfairly, had to go through more in your 26 years than most will in endure in a lifetime. Maybe it is important for you to be in the role of a victim as it is better to be a victim than having no self-identity at all. And how could one maintain the illusion of being a perpetual victim without being constantly in peril? I don't think anything I did really mattered in the end because it didn't matter much if I assumed the role of savior or perpetrator, either way I was supporting that concept of you as a victim. Maybe it is that what you wanted and craved was not being saved, but, rather, the "drama" of being saved and the resulting affirmation of being a victim. I may be way off base, but either way, I say all this without judgment as it is not your fault for what you have had to go through and the ways in which you must have had suffer in your life. I will never know what your life is like or how you see the world differently from me but I know the last thing I ever wanted to do was be another man that came into your life, hurt you and abandoned you with nothing more than new emotional scars but maybe it was inevitable. ...Where does the good go? I remember you singing Teagan and Sara, "Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love. Look me in the heart and unbreak broken, it won't happen," and the words mean so much more looking back. You said I can't unbreak broken, so I broke myself instead trying to absorb your pain and trying to balance out actions with words. We must constantly ask ourselves these questions: Who am I around? What are they doing to me? What have they got me reading? What have they got me saying? Where do they have me going? What do they have me thinking? And most important, what do they have me becoming? Then ask yourself the big question: Is that okay? Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change. Change is exactly what we needed as the toxicity of our relationship and the enabling of each other, no matter what our feelings were, was tearing us as individuals apart. Now Woodrow Wilson once wrote that if you want to make enemies, try to change something. I would never insult you by sitting her telling you some crap like, "you need to change your ways" or "shape up," I already know you have plenty of people saying that and that you obviously understand that already to some extent since you were the one strong enough in the first place to say we need to focus on bettering ourselves. But I can only hope you were being sincere to yourself, not just me, when you said we needed this change and to get healthy. As I said, I will never understand the depths of what you have gone through in your life, I may know a few facts, but that means nothing. I cannot fathom or imagine the pain you must have in your heart. I lost myself trying to remove some of that pain from your heart by filling it with my love, but that was futile, another person's love and affection is never enough if you do not feel love in your own heart for yourself. Only you have the power, and you do have the power, to find happiness. Change is the essence of life. If you are willing to surrender what you are for what you could become, than you will find that happiness. You know, ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. I've seen the good in your soul, whether it is around Aleah or the nights in Casey's room I had you look into my eyes and keep your gaze. In the Teagan and Sara song they also sing that, "It's love that leaves and breaks the seal of always thinking you would be real happy and healthy, strong and calm. Where does the good go?" It isn't another person's love that is going to break the seal and make you happy and healthy or any stronger. That is not something I, Phillip, your sister, or any other person can give you. If you truly want to be real happy and healthy, strong and calm, then you need to break the seal yourself, when you are ready. I cannot help you find your happiness. I can't walk along with you. But, if you sincerely read these words, you'll know that in my heart I'll never abandon you. I just hope, that you can find it in yourself to get past the darkness you may or may not have casted upon my character after the way I cut you with my words to really hear me now and I hope too that these words are meaningful, at least in a given moment for I am sure at some point, they will be like a sand castle near the ocean, and be swept away by another wave of emotions. All of the things I said to you, all of the letters I wrote you, the book of 200 reasons why I love you, despite the reality of what we had may have been, were all true. All of those beautiful qualities are a part of who you are and when you are ready you will realize that. You have your way, I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it doesn't exist. But I know two things, happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence and that if one does not change direction, they may end up where they are headed. It is true, when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at start to change. "For every thousand people hacking at the leaves of evil, there is one striking at the root." We can only achieve improvements in our lives as we quit hacking at the leaves of attitude and behavior and start working on the root, the foundation from which our attitudes and behavior flow. I hope one day you find happiness, but when, where and if that is ever to happen is up to you And again, please don't construe this as me trying to push you to do something. I am not. I wouldn't insult you be thinking I have that kind of influence. That is my point, if you want to find that happiness, to be the Auntie E you want to be and let the woman inside of you thrive and enjoy life, you can, but you are going to have to look inside to do it when you are ready, not to others. Above all else, to your own self be true. I have already had too many nightmares about being at your funeral and shed too many tears to continue to carry around sorrow and pain for you (which I know you never asked me to do, but was inevitable after having the feelings for you I had). I have my own life to live and to worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere. The only thing I can do is get back to being the best person I can be and I thank you for helping me find the strength to do that. Regardless of how much or how little it may have actually meant to you in the end, what we shared has become a significant part of my life. The highs. The lows. I wouldn't change any of it. For what I had with you is making me who I am today. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel and with you I felt the full range of emotions, and the extremes of each. What we had, for a fleeting moment, was unique, "a jock" and "a tattooed emo girl" coming together to make a pretty bad ass team for a minute, who would've thought. Dr. Suess said, "Don't be sad because it's over. Smile because it happened." Whether that is what you choose to do or not, that is how I will look back. Sincerely, Zach Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Beautiful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatdoido1717 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Share Posted June 14, 2011 (edited) Hey all. Hope you are all well. Just wanted to ask a question here I guess because I find myself slipping a little bit. For the most part I am on the right track. I have already posted about that so I am going to skip all that part for now. I recently had a conversation with my best friend, Casey, in which he informed me that Erin had been fired from the bar. The story behind it is disgusting. During our time together, as you all know, I became enmeshed with her in hard drugs, cocaine, percaset, oxy, etc. At the time we would get this from a guy named Joey. Joey was about as good of a guy as you could imagine a drug dealer being. I know that sounds weird, but deep down he was a pretty genuine guy. He even text me after Casey pretty much gave me an intervention and said he was hoping the best for me. ANYWAY, Erin apparently has been hanging out with a new crowd of dudes, more "her style." Not sure if one of those guys is her guy or not, doesn't really matter. Well, the other night, her new guys and her contacted Joey to get some drugs. When Joey and Erin showed up to the bar, four hours later, Joey was attacked by four men, the guys from Erin's "new crew" for being late. The beat him to the ground and proceeded to stomp him and beat him with skateboards to the point that he now has brain damage and will not be able to speak correctly for the rest of his life. (SIDE NOTE: How lucky I am that I got out. If I had been at that bar in the past two months it easily could have been me getting the beat down. Just one more reason to be thankful I am moving on...) Many of her coworkers have claimed they thought she orchestrated the entire thing. After the four dudes almost murdered Joey, Erin got in their car and they all drove off. Later, she denied having anything to do with it or any knowledge of it and refused to give up any names of her new crew to the authorities. I was shocked, to an extent, as Joey and her were good friends and she basically let her friends practically beat him to death. It is just so sinister. Well, the issue I am having now is reoccurring dreams, strong gut-feelings and horrible thoughts about her committing suicide. I know I can do nothing to help her, I know I need to just continue focusing on myself. I know this, but sometimes the thought of her doing this hits me so strong I need to collect myself before I can refocus. At this point if she continues living this way she is down to only two options as I see it, prison or death. I could list a million reasons why I am having these thoughts, everything from her depression, alcoholism, addiction to very hard drugs, being a former heroin user, suffering from BPD, multiple attempts in the past, loss of job, broken relationships with ex-fiance and myself, loss of relationship with sister, history of abuse and abandonment, no sense of personal worth, all the way down to the fact that the city she lives in has one of the highest suicide rates in the country and in 2004 was named America's most unhappy city. I know it is all out of my control and I cannot live my life worrying about her or what might happen to her. Believe me I know, that is what I have been, successfully, working on the past two months. These gut-wrenching feelings and dreams, when they come around, feel like a sixth sense (I know that sounds dumb) and make me very uncomfortable. I don't know what I would do if I got that phone call, but I feel like it is right around the corner for some reason. I feel that is the most likely situation. People with BPD are more likely to complete suicide than individuals with any other psychiatric disorder. 10% of people with Borderline Personality Disorder will complete suicide (http://bpd.about.com/od/understandingbpd/a/suicide_ar.htm) and when you add her severe depression, substance abuse, history of suicide attempts and inflicting self-injury, the recent turmoil in her life and all the abuse over the years to the mix I can't help but feel she might be the one in the line of ten people. Sorry, just wanted to get that out. Edited June 14, 2011 by whatdoido1717 Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatdoido1717 Posted July 8, 2011 Author Share Posted July 8, 2011 Sorry for bringing this thread back to the top, but I wanted to post this as this thread has documented everything I have gone through post B/U and it could serve to be a good tool/reminder to me in the future. (From a previous thread) If I could go back, I would've made sure I deleted my ex's phone number immediately. In the midst of not wanting to let go I simply changed her number to "Z-666." Stupid I know, but I guess it was what I wanted to do at the time, I don't know. Anyway, never got around to deleting it, just kind of forgot about it since it was at the bottom of my contacts and I never saw it. Well, last weekend I was out partying and celebrating the holidays with friends and not deleting her number came back to bite me. A friend of mine was using my phone, drunk, and before I had a chance to stop her, she was dialing the 666 number. This is the message I had from Erin when I woke up the next morning: "Hi, it's 8 o' clock in the morning and I'm just, a, returning your 5:30am call. I don't know what you felt like was important enough to call me for, but it was probably the same reason you thought it was important to look up my address and send me your book of psycho babel and all the other stuff before that, so, um, please, DO call me back and let me know.... er, um, otherwise, the better option, um, the option I would prefer, is if you did what I told you to in the first place and lost my number and um, probably now lose my address, and uh, um, go ahead and don't call me, 'cuz there's nothing you have to say that I wanna hear. Ever. Ever, Ever, Ever. ....Have a good day." I was going to leave it at that but I didn't. Honestly, if you feel the need to throw your advice in here about what I should or shouldn't have done or how I came off based on what you read next, that is fine, but to be quite honest, it's a waste of your time. She is no longer a part of my life and I am in a much healthier and happier spot and actually perhaps that accidental phone call was a blessing, as the only ounce of feelings I had left revolved around some of the things I regretted doing as I have long since forgiving her in my head for what she did to me. I was able to voice those final feelings and in doing so I guess finally found FINAL CLOSURE. So without further ado, here is what happened next... ...don't want to say it, but, via Facebook (as I certainly wasn't going to call hahaha): ZACH: Hey, i just got your message... To be honest and to make a long story short, I didn't know your number was still saved in my phone since I changed the contact name a long time ago and had no idea what my friend was up to when she drunkenly rang your number. Either way, my fault, I should have deleted it a long time ago. You can rest assured I have already deleted it, and not that I had any inclination to get a hold of you ever again, but you made it pretty clear by the fourth time you said "ever" in your voicemail that you don't wanna hear from me or hear anymore "psycho babel." It's unfortunate that's all you gout out of that, but not unexpected. Anyway, have a good life, Erin. Peace. ERIN: i guess its just hard for you to understand that you havnt even known me a year and you getting my address and sending me a journal full of your thoughts on who or what i am doesnt sit well with me so please. do not text do not call do not ever send me mail or i will send you the super nice text message you sent me that night which i saved and i have your number still. its time to grow up, take a good look at you. and know damn well that the most painful thing in my whole life has been that i am open with people about why i am as ****ed up as i am and that they always throw it back in my face. wether its a mean text or a dream journal full of pschoanalazations. like my mom said. i can never tell my secrets. thank you for proving that once again. good thing your perfect. ERIN: p.s. one day soon enough youll realizing i left you to save you. maybe it doesnt fit in with what you and yours think is love bout round here thats unbeatable. i can quit **** on my own i have has had and prob will again. you werent able to see. your welcome. ERIN: p.s.s. let your drunk friend read this if you like.....hey drunk girl. calling your dudes ex is super high school. dont do it again. ZACH: I guess all I can say is that in the end I am sorry I was just another person that ended up throwing everything back in your face. You didn't deserve that and that is certainly not the impact I ever wanted to leave on your life and a very small part of me hopes that it won't be the only way you remember me. But for the final time, and knowing it is pointless, in the past, and that my words are bull**** to you now, I am sincerely sorry. So I guess take that for whatever it is worth. And I do see that part of you left me to save me, but it wasn't until I had moved on that that became clear. Thank you for that. Finally, I am sorry I sent you that letter, and again, stepping back now it was very self-righteous and selfish of me, because like you said, I only knew you for less than a year. I just wanted you to know that I was sorry for coming into your life and ending up being another ******* that threw your past and your secrets that you entrusted me with in your face in such a cruel manner and that I hope the best for you despite what I said in that text; but it certainly came off more as me thinking I know what's best and over the top. In the end, I really don't know ****. It bothered me for a long time that I went from being the dude you wanted to stand up for because I had a good heart to a douche bag who couldn't handle his **** and crossed the line of verbal abuse. At least know that I've learned and am growing from my mistakes and am a stronger and wiser man for it and in the future I won't cut anybody the way I did you. I will pass along your message to my friend, although to her credit she had no way of knowing who she was calling, let alone an ex, based on what it was saved under. Okay, welp, that was way more than I needed to respond. Oh well. Adios Erin, I wish you the best. I will respect your wishes from here on out and will not contact you in a way, shape or form. Peace. ---- And that is it, that is how the whole saga ends. ---- Oh, and if you are confused about the "psycho babel," here is the letter I mailed her over a month ago that she was referring too: 05/11/2011 Erin, Time goes by so fast, people come in and out of our lives. We must never miss the opportunity to tell these people how much they mean or have meant to us. As time goes by and feelings fade, I want to make sure I express my feelings and thoughts about the small period in our lives we spent together - whether or not your eyes ever read these words. To me it seems highly possible that even if this letter were presented to you, it might find its immediate way into a trash can. ...That it is highly possible that from the moment you hung up after leaving your last voice mail on my phone outside of Casey's house, you never looked back. Maybe everything we shared and everything I am in your eyes was painted black right then, forever. Or is it easier to peg me as all bad than live in the emotional grays of who I am; realizing both the good and bad qualities and accepting them? I struggled for a long time with the guilt and pain I felt for the incredibly harsh words I texted you in the end. For that, I am sorry. Those hateful words and the hate I expressed at you came about because, at that moment, I loved you to a point of passion that unhinged my soul. The pain I was feeling caused me to act naive and childish. Regardless, I don't ever expect you to forget that or forgive me. If it is easier to label me as wholly bad, I accept that. But in the end, I do not believe you are evil, as I said. I spent a lot of time thinking about what our relationship actually was. What we actually had. Everybody tends to think they see things as they are, that they are objective. But that is not the case. We see the world, not as it is, but as we are - or, as we are conditioned to see it. When we open our mouths to describe what we see, we in effect describe ourselves, our perceptions, our foundation. I used to get caught up thinking about the good times we had together - the Social Distortion concert, the Blazers game, doing the Dancin' Dawg and effectively ignored other more painful memories that equally defined our time together. But as the reality of the end sank in and the denial washed away I was able to have more of an outsider's look at who we were together. As I see it now, the love, compassion and concern I had for you was real. Maybe not healthy, but real none the less. I am not certain that you were capable at that point in your life of fully loving me or able to reciprocate those same feelings of love. I often feel like in the beginning you adored me to the point where I felt like I was the man you wanted to come into your life as your knight in shining armor so to speak. But at the same time you didn't want me too close and I let my naivety and desire to be closer to you and make you happy, allow a lot of things that a stronger man, the man I am becoming now, would not have accepted. When I went to San Diego, on the trip we had planned on going on, I was out one night with my brother and I stepped outside. While I sat outside I reached into my wallet, for what reason I do not know, and found something I hadn't realized was in there. It was a note from you, written on a small, ripped part of the Tacoma News Tribune. The only visible part of the text left was the date, March 10th, 2011, the day I picked you up from jail. Above it you wrote, "Today is the day you saved me on the hill in the 253. Love, Erin." That was one of the hardest and most gut-wrenching moments I've experienced. The pain from reading that lasted a long time and I couldn't see how we went from that to the hateful words we exchanged. Eventually I started to think about it more clearly. As I see it, I don't believe you ever wanted to be saved. Maybe part of your self-image is that feeling of being a victim, since you have, unfairly, had to go through more in your 26 years than most will in endure in a lifetime. Maybe it is important for you to be in the role of a victim as it is better to be a victim than having no self-identity at all. And how could one maintain the illusion of being a perpetual victim without being constantly in peril? I don't think anything I did really mattered in the end because it didn't matter much if I assumed the role of savior or perpetrator, either way I was supporting that concept of you as a victim. Maybe it is that what you wanted and craved was not being saved, but, rather, the "drama" of being saved and the resulting affirmation of being a victim. I may be way off base, but either way, I say all this without judgment as it is not your fault for what you have had to go through and the ways in which you must have suffered in your life. I will never know what your life is like or how you see the world differently from me but I know the last thing I ever wanted to do was be another man that came into your life, hurt you and abandoned you with nothing more than new emotional scars, but maybe it was inevitable. ...Where does the good go? I remember you singing Teagan and Sara, "Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love. Look me in the heart and unbreak broken, it won't happen," and the words mean so much more looking back. You said I can't unbreak broken, so I broke myself instead trying to absorb your pain and trying to balance out actions with words. We must constantly ask ourselves these questions: Who am I around? What are they doing to me? What have they got me reading? What have they got me saying? Where do they have me going? What do they have me thinking? And most important, what do they have me becoming? Then ask yourself the big question: Is that okay? Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change. Change is exactly what we needed as the toxicity of our relationship and the enabling of each other, no matter what our feelings were, was tearing us as individuals apart. Now Woodrow Wilson once wrote that "if you want to make enemies, try to change something." I would never insult you by sitting here telling you some crap like, "you need to change your ways" or "shape up." I already know you have plenty of people saying that and that you obviously understand that already to some extent since you were the one strong enough in the first place to say we need to focus on bettering ourselves. But I can only hope you were being sincere to yourself, not just me, when you said we needed this change and to get healthy. As I said, I will never understand the depths of what you have gone through in your life. I may know a few facts, but that means nothing. I cannot fathom or imagine the pain you must have in your heart. Your emotional scars may always be there and the pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. You are a strong woman, I believe one day you will realize your strength and understand that as debilitating as your past demons and current pain may seem, it doesn't have to define who you are or who you will become. I lost myself trying to remove some of that pain from your heart by filling it with my love, but that was futile. Another person's love and affection is never enough if you do not feel love in your own heart for yourself. Only you have the power, and you do have the power, to find happiness. Change is the essence of life. If you are willing to surrender what you are for what you could become, then you will find that happiness. You know, ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. I've seen the good in your soul, whether it is around Aleah or the nights in Casey's room I had you look into my eyes and hold our gaze. In the Teagan and Sara song they also sing that, "It's love that leaves and breaks the seal of always thinking you would be real happy and healthy, strong and calm. Where does the good go?" It isn't another person's love that is going to break the seal and make you happy and healthy or any stronger. That is not something I, Phillip, your sister, or any other person can give you. If you truly want to be real happy and healthy, strong and calm, then you need to break the seal yourself, when you are ready. I cannot help you find your happiness. I can't walk along with you. But, if you sincerely read these words, you'll know that in my heart I'll never abandon you. I just hope, that you can find it in yourself to get past the darkness you may or may not have cast upon my character after the way I cut you with my words to really hear me now and I hope too that these words are meaningful, at least in a given moment for I am sure at some point, they will be like a sand castle near the ocean, and swept away by another wave of emotions. All of the things I said to you - all of the letters I wrote you, the book of 200 reasons why I love you and despite what the reality of what we were may be - all of those things were true. All of those beautiful qualities are a part of who you are and when you are ready you will realize that. You have your way, I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it doesn't exist. But I know two things, happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence and that if one does not change direction, they may end up where they are headed. It is true, when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at start to change. "For every thousand people hacking at the leaves of evil, there is one striking at the root." We can only achieve improvements in our lives as we quit hacking at the leaves of attitude and behavior and start working on the root, the foundation from which our attitudes and behavior stem. I hope one day you find happiness, but when, where and if that is ever to happen is up to you. And again, please don't construe this as me trying to push you to do something. I am not. I wouldn't insult you by thinking I have that kind of influence or understand your situation. That is my point, if you want to find that happiness, to be the Auntie E you want to be and let the woman inside of you thrive and enjoy life, you can, but you are going to have to look inside to do it when you are ready, not to others. Above all else, to your own self be true. I have already had too many nightmares about being at your funeral and shed too many tears to continue to carry around sorrow and pain for you (which I know you never asked me to do, but was inevitable after having the feelings for you I had). I have my own life to live and to worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere. The only thing I can do is get back to being the best person I can be and I thank you for helping me find the strength to do that. Regardless of how much or how little it may have actually meant to you, in the end, what we shared has become a significant part of my life. The highs. The lows. I wouldn't change any of it. For what I had with you is making me who I am today. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel and with you I felt the full range of emotions, and the extremes of each. What we had, for a fleeting moment, was unique, "a jock" and "a tattooed emo girl" coming together to make a pretty bad ass team for a minute, who would've thought? Dr. Suess wrote, "Don't be sad because it's over. Smile because it happened." Whether that is what you choose to do or not, that is how I will look back. You were not brought into this world as a band-aid. The only reason you think that's all you are, is because that is all you are allowing yourself to be. If that's all you were, I wouldn't waste my time writing this. Drugs and Good Looks Will Fade. Family, Loyal Friends, and Personal Happiness are better bets. "Gonna wake up, it’s a brand new day Angel’s wings gonna carry you away" --- Thank you to all of you for your help through the process. Especially betterdeal, tyler and Downtown. You three are amazing guys and you were vital to my recovery. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I can't wait to live life and be happy! Love this freaking website! Peace to this thread! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts