He's disappeared but said he's gonna marry me

[D-Lish]

See why I'm so confused? I mean, what does a real proposal look like anyhow?

 

It usually happens during a sober moment.

 

I see why you are confused- but if someone means it they are going to do it when you both have clear heads, it would be a well thought out endeavour.

[ConfusedCarolina]

It usually happens during a sober moment.

 

I see why you are confused- but if someone means it they are going to do it when you both have clear heads, it would be a well thought out endeavour.

 

 

Thank you. Um this might sound stupid, but are there any clues to know that he's picked a paticular time? I've always thought a guy does it in a restuarant with candles & we're both dressed nice. I'm just worried that he's gonna to it before we really get a chance to discuss this. Or am I making a bigger deal out of it than it really is? I mean it's not like we'd have to get married the next day or anything. I just gotta keep telling myself that, I guess.

[D-Lish]

Thank you. Um this might sound stupid, but are there any clues to know that he's picked a paticular time? I've always thought a guy does it in a restuarant with candles & we're both dressed nice. I'm just worried that he's gonna to it before we really get a chance to discuss this. Or am I making a bigger deal out of it than it really is? I mean it's not like we'd have to get married the next day or anything. I just gotta keep telling myself that, I guess.

 

 

I think you have to pay attention to the fact that he has pulled way back recently, and find out what that means.

 

Trust me, if a guy wants to marry you, he's not going to suddenly become unavailable before he asks.

 

You're worrying about him asking you to marry you- but he hasn't been available to you for quite a while.

 

You're wondering about another woman in one sentence, and anticipating a proposal in the next- that's not making sense given the facts before you.

[carhill]

See why I'm so confused? I mean, what does a real proposal look like anyhow?

I proposed in a santa suit at a Christmas party, which happened to be at a long-ago high school boyfriend's (of my exW) house. He and his wife were fully disclosed but it was a surprise to her. We spent the night after in his RV. No disappearing involved at all.

[ConfusedCarolina]

Basically, this is were I stand on all of his behavior:

 

I've been praying that it was a practice/rehearal proposal or that maybe he was joking around to see my reaction & perhaps let me know that it's something he was thinking about doing one day. This way, I'd have time to think about it & talk with him about it.

 

Honestly before hand, I was just hoping that once we would've gotten to the one year mark, for us to live together as girlfriend/boyfriend. Do I want to be engaged to him? Yes but after atleast being together after another year.

 

So what I'm trying to figure out I guess, is if it sounds like he was making a real proposal(?) & now thinks I rejected him cuz I didn't say yes & now is avoiding me for some reason(?). I don't drink but rarely (which he knows), so to me it's not like he couldn't have picked a different night. And if that's the case, then how can I get him to atleast talk with me about it?

And if it wasn't the real deal, how can I let him know that I want to take it slower or make the engagement last 2 years? Cuz I'm all for taking big decisions like marriage slowly cuz of the seriousness of it.

[Kamille]

 

So what I'm trying to figure out I guess, is if it sounds like he was making a real proposal(?) & now thinks I rejected him cuz I didn't say yes & now is avoiding me for some reason(?). I don't drink but rarely (which he knows), so to me it's not like he couldn't have picked a different night. And if that's the case, then how can I get him to atleast talk with me about it?

And if it wasn't the real deal, how can I let him know that I want to take it slower or make the engagement last 2 years? Cuz I'm all for taking big decisions like marriage slowly cuz of the seriousness of it.

 

I struggle a lot with this thread because obviously, none of us know what he intended to do and why he pulled away. The first flag for me is here: if bf did something while I was really hammered and I couldn't really recall it the day after, he wouldn't sulk in his corner or distance himself. He would recognize he picked the wrong moment and also make fun of how drunk I was. In other words, it wouldn't be a big deal.

 

The other reason I struggle is that there are a lot of red flags in this relationship, which, were I in your shoes, would make me question whether I wanted to be married to someone who ran hot and cold, played with your head, didn't want to give the relationship a clear status, etc. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I have to ask his friends for confirmation that he cares about me. I like a man who lets me know, through actions and words, that he cares about me. It doesn't sound like your guy has done any of that.

 

Mostly, I wonder why you want to be married to someone with whom you seem unable to bring up issues, ranging from: "What was that the other night?" to "Why are you being so distant right now?".

 

You ask, how do I get him to talk about it. It's easy. You bring it up.

Edited April 6, 2011 by Kamille

[Olivia1966]

Then he got down on one knee in front of me & held my hands. Um, by this point I kinda tuned him out cuz I liked the song on the radio & I have no idea if he was still talking or not. But after a minute, I realized he was just there inont of me & didn't know why. So I took my hands away & put my feet on top of his hands. Then he got up & said ooooookkkk.

 

This sounds like it was a genuine proposal and he thinks you turned him down.

 

You put your feet on his hands?

 

He may even think you were making fun of him.

 

I'm going to add my voice to the chorus of people saying, "Talk to him about it."

[ConfusedCarolina]

I guess to me getting engaged isn't quite the same as getting married in a wedding but instead, it's only a step towards the wedding. And the wedding can happen a couple of years after the proposing. I view being engaged as still a getting to know each other stage where you show how how things would be in the marriage. Kinda like you "put your money where your mouth is" thing & can still say no if you don't like how it would be. Cuz anything can happen in two years of living together. I mean he might have some really gross bathroom habits that I couldn't live with or I might have some cleaning habits that he couldn't live with.

 

As far as that night, I was drunk & just seeing him kneeling there, reminded me of that moment in Cinderella where the prince gave her the glass slipper & so I put my foot on his hands. I know how bad that sounds! And I would love to talk to him about it. I have been thinking about showing up where he works but I know that wouldn't be an appropiate place to talk about it. I sent him a text message yesterday that I think it was a practice to the real proposal. But he didn't answer when I called him last night.

 

See this is why guys shouldn't just surprise women with a proposal.

[ConfusedCarolina]

This might seem like a weird question, but how does a woman know that she'd make a good wife? I guess I'm just not sure what the difference is between a wife versus a live-in girlfriend. And I don't know if I'd be a good wife or if I'm better at being a live-in girlfriend.

 

I'm pretty good at cooking, maybe average at cleaning, very faithfull, can work hard at a job & saving money, & don't mind giving support to a guy's ideas & comfort when he's down. But isn't a wife more than that? I've tried to family about it but my mom just says that if I was made to be a wife then I would already be one & my sister says you live together til your get pregnant then you get married.

 

So how do I know I'm wife material if I've never done it before? How did any of you know?

[carhill]

So how do I know I'm wife material if I've never done it before? How did any of you know?

 

I got married late in life so perhaps I can offer some perspective. I was established, stable, had a wide variety of friends, a good relationship with my remaining living parent and had resolved a number of failed relationships and love interests. IOW, a pretty 'normal' person. My best take-away from the whole process is that, when one sees one M, one has seen one M. Each dynamic and marriage is different and unique to the two participants. IMO, there's no finite 'recipe' for a great wife nor great husband. The greatness comes from the synergy and compatibility between the two marital partners. Having a wide variety of friends, nearly all married many years, I can see the clear differences and how those marriages work for *them*. Such a dynamic might not work for me, but I'm not in their M. Compatibility.

[ConfusedCarolina]

Thank you for answering. Anyways, I sent him a text explaining alittle bit that I didn't really know that he wasn't joking around & reminding him of me being drunk. I'm hoping that he'll call me after he gets out of work.

 

Can anyone let me know if there's anything else I could do to talk to him? I don't feel comfortable with just showing up at his place uninvited with him being like this.

[ConfusedCarolina]

Well, he finally called me up last night & invited me over to his place. When I showed up, he was so nervous & fidgety that I decided not to bring it up & instead we caught each other up on everything going on in our lives, mostly him talking about being at the race this past Sunday in Martinsville & how he's now been getting up at 6am to do push ups (which is very out of character for him). So right now I'm hoping that he'll want to spend more time around me again before I bring up how he's been acting.

 

Today, I talked to an ex of mine that I've known for 6 years now. He & I were together for 2 1/2 years & are still friends that mostly help each other out with our new relationships. He said that he started to want to get married to me after being with me for about 9 months but didn't decide it to actually "set up everything up" to propose to me til the last 3-4 months we had been together. He said that it was the reason he had been acting so weird then even though we were living together - only wanting me around to give him rides back & forth to his new job, talking to his cousin's ex-wife & new girlfriend but not talking to me about much of anything, being critical of me asking him for gas money, & why he got so upset about me not going with him to his family's Thanksgiving dinner. We had never even talked about the subject of marriage, so I asked him why he never mentioned that he atleast said he would want to marry me. He said it was cuz he didn't want make sure that I was with him cuz I wanted to be & not allowing it to be a reason for me to stay with him. And that he stopped talking to me so much cuz he was trying to figure it all out in his head & didn't think that he had to try anymore to keep me with him. But since I refused to go to a family function with him it meant that I didn't really trust him enough to take that next step. He said a wife shouldn't have to be told the reasons for everything when a husband asks something of her that doesn't harm her, she should just trust him & obey him cuz he would do the same for her.

 

Does anyone have an opinion on that?

[Kamille]

 

He said it was cuz he didn't want make sure that I was with him cuz I wanted to be & not allowing it to be a reason for me to stay with him.

 

How badly do you want to be married CC? Because, from the sounds of it, your ex was also treating you poorly, and yet you would have still married him.

 

Your current guy isn't treating you all that great, and yet you're here thinking about whether or not you would make great wife material.

 

If my bf let me treat him poorly but then still insisted he wanted to get married, I would have to wonder if he really is in it for me, or is just in it because he's afraid of being alone.

 

Or, put another way: do you think your relationship, as it is now has everything it takes to transform into a successful marriage?

 

 

He said a wife shouldn't have to be told the reasons for everything when a husband asks something of her that doesn't harm her, she should just trust him & obey him cuz he would do the same for her.

 

Does anyone have an opinion on that?

 

I don't know what to make of this one because, on the one hand, yes, trust is important in a relationship and yes, being in a relationship involves doing stuff with your partner for the simple reason that it's important to them. But in my view, trust is acquired through compromise. If, at first, my partner can explain his decisions to me and I accept them as legitimate, then trust is built over time and, eventually, I will start trusting his decisions without questioning them. However, I'm wondering how you asking questions about going somewhere turned into such a disqualification for him. Either he's bull****ting you now or you're not telling us something about how you behave in relationships. Do you have a tendency to question your partner's decisions? (BTW, that's really not the impression I'm getting of you here).

[ConfusedCarolina]

How badly do you want to be married CC? Because, from the sounds of it, your ex was also treating you poorly, and yet you would have still married him.

 

That relationship was 2 1/2 years long were up to the last 4 months we talked about everything. The first 6 months of which we didn't live together & even though I would tell him things I was having problems with, I would refuse any & all help from him til he finally made it an ultimatum that I either let him do little things for me or we end the relationship. For example - I had a tire blow out & refused to let him help me get it fixed. After his ultimatum, we began to live together & he did things for me without question. For example - being there to support me & comfort me when my brother-in law died suddenly & I helped my mom take care of my sister.

 

The reason I was so insistant on not attending his family's dinner was because of what happened the previous year. My ex had gone hunting with his stepfather. While he was gone, his two brothers & sister-in law decided to take that opportunity to intagonize me about not having a better job & basically considered me not up to their "status" of having a more expensive home. All the while, his mom (whom I really liked) stood in the dinning room listening in. I defended myself the best that I could be ended up leaving as soon as my ex got back. So no, I didn't want to be around those people again.

 

Your current guy isn't treating you all that great, and yet you're here thinking about whether or not you would make great wife material.

 

The only reason I'm thinking that right now is because this is the first time I've ever thought of marriage as an option. As I said in an earlier post, the only thing I know about my parents marriage is that my father died suddenly when I was 5 & my mom was too devasted to take care of herself for a very long time. So I grew up not wanting that for myself. Everyone else in my family married for financial security, which I also don't want for myself. So marriage isn't something I've given much thought to til recently. And no, I don't know how to have a successful marriage, which to me means that I would get to spent decades with the man that I'm mostly happy to grow through life with & buliding a life with. My parents were only married for 14 years before my father died. So I don't know if I'm cut out for marriage since I wouldn't be in it for the money & I don't believe in divorce unless there's abuse.

 

 

Or, put another way: do you think your relationship, as it is now has everything it takes to transform into a successful marriage?

 

As far as this relationship goes, I would've preferred to wait another year before thinking about being married to him. In my opinion, up til recently we could be called exclusively dating at the most & engagement is a big jump from dating. But my mom said that that's how it used to be done - two people would date exclusively for a year or two then get engaged without living together first like people do now. She said that he might've gotten his love advice from his mom who was 45 years old when she had him. And the one female friend I've told about this tell me to jump on it if he does ask me cuz it might not happen for me again even with him & that the goal of every relationship is to get married.

[ConfusedCarolina]

Also I think I forgot to mention that at about the sametime of he stopped wanting to go out places with me (back in November), he stopped going out to the local bars without me (something he did every weekend for the past 4 years). I've never been very big on the bar/club scene, so I didn't even realize it til he told me he was settling down. I asked if this was normal for him to do in the winter & he said no. I just thought it was him growing up abit & I didn't really think much of it after that. But a friend of his asked me a month ago where my guy has been cuz he hadn't seen him in weeks. I still didn't think much of it at the time & just thought they'd had a falling out.

 

From what he said the other night, he still isn't going out to the local bars. So I'm not sure if that's a sign that he's just changing cuz he's getting older or something else.

 

Just wanted to mention it.

[ConfusedCarolina]

Ok this was very weird & reminded me abit of middle school.

 

I went to a local diner this morning to pick up some breakfast & he was at a table with a guy friend, so I didn't go over & say hi. But while waiting, his friend started heckling me about what I was getting, saying "So you really like alot of eggs, you like getting all that protein everday" (I'd ordered a plate with 3 eggs) & when I looked over to say something, he was just staring at me & grinning like an idiot. His friend kept on til I said that I normally just drink coffee. Then my guy looked away, started giggling like a teen girl & turned beet red like I said the funniest thing he's ever heard. I just ignored them after that. But a minute later he came over, said hello, & started bragging to me about how he's been getting up early to do push ups & flexed his arm. So I said "Good for you but I don't think you need to". Then he walked off to the bathroom. I got my order & left before he got back.

 

This was SO biazzare to me that I told a co-worker about it & she said that it sounds like he's got a huge crush on me & it sounds sweet. Then I explained that it was the guy I've been seeing for almost a year now. She said that I should keep him if I can if he's acting like that after being with him for that long. She says that any guy that's willing to be a fool in public for a woman AFTER getting her would be a keeper in her book.

 

So what do you think? I mean this is a guy that's very responsible in every other aspect of his life.

[Mutant Debutante]

I think that it's a really bad sign that you guys can't talk directly about how weird your relationship has gotten, and that you should not be thinking about marriage with this guy. He doesn't seem serious to me, he's disappearing for weeks, barely calling you, giggling about you with his friends...acting more like maybe you're the piece on the side than the girl he's going to marry. I mean obviously it's hard to say since idk how either of you act in real life but this all sounds immature and weird to me.

[IfiKnewThen]

wow. i am almost speechless here. this guy sounds very immature. i dont think hes planning any surprises. i am sorry to say.

 

you sound very optimistic. like you try to see the brighter side of things. thats a good attribute.

 

its also good to step back and look at the bigger picture. like: 1) he cant or wont communicate 2) he skirted the questions in your text and apparently in person too

 

drinking buddies may seem like fun at the time...but you need two sober heads here. otherwise you can both live in a fantasy.

 

may i ask how old you are? maybe i missed something in the post. its late and you may have stated your age. also how old is he? (note: immaturity can be at any age)

 

there is a book that dr. phil wrote about dating and questions you should ask yourself and the one youre dating. it helps you ask the important questions about what you're looking for in a person. what would help make you a good wife (as you ask) is to learn more about what you want, what you're willing to bring to the table and what is most definitely a deal breaker in a relationship for you. try to set your standards high here. ; ) also, read men are from mars woman are from venus before you ever get married and buy him a copy too

 

i would absolutely NOT feel confident about a guy who goes awol...or MIA.

i seriously dont think he wants to get married to you now. not by his actions.

 

i know you said you did talk to him during that time he went AWOL (at one point) but then again somewhere else in your post you said you know he is alive because "others" you mutually know..knew he was alive. so, which was it? sorry this is most confusing. it makes it sound like you hadnt spoken to him.

 

once again, its nice that you are optimistic and i dont want to burst your bubble on thinking on good things. but, it is ALSO a GOOD thing to step back and be prepared for the answers or reality about this guy that may surface. and it might be he is blowing smoke. and just lip service . it cost nothing to tell anybody anything. or maybe he did see you as immature with your feet up and no real clear cut words. but like another poster said....(to which i fully agree) what guy proposes to a drunk girl and expects to be taken seriously?

 

i am going to talk to you like i would to a daughter here ...and tell you what i would say to my own daughter. keep safe...dont get drunk....and dont give yourself over to a guy. don't fall for mere comments about marriage and definitely question avoidance on his part. keep your head on straight and dont see things thru rose colored glasses. a man needs to work for your and earn your respect and love.

[Lucky_One]

But while waiting, his friend started heckling me about what I was getting, saying "So you really like alot of eggs, you like getting all that protein everday" (I'd ordered a plate with 3 eggs) & when I looked over to say something, he was just staring at me & grinning like an idiot. His friend kept on til I said that I normally just drink coffee. Then my guy looked away, started giggling like a teen girl & turned beet red like I said the funniest thing he's ever heard.

 

Doesn't sound at all like he's planning a proposal. Sounds like he told his friend that you give plenty of BJs and that you swallow, or that you like lots of tubesteak, or something disgustingly man-nish like that.

 

I have never heard of a man who was really really into a girl and was planning on asking her to marry him to go AWOL for days and days. That is just disrespectful behavior in a serious, monogamous relationship.

[phillyfan]

Sweetie, u sound lovely. U sound like u'd make the greatest wife to some lucky dude, u seem really innocent n it is sweet how u look on the bright side. U shud neva lose that quality.

 

So I need 2 tell u this rite now - the dude is playing you - 100%. He is a major douche. My money is on anotha girl. This dude is NOT a guy who respects u because as the otha poster said, he makes dirty disrespectful jokes about u - 2 ur face - in front of his friends. He calls u a FWB. He disapears. U hear from him once a week because YOU call HIM and then he cant be assed to stay on for more than a few minutes.

 

If he was askin seriously in that bar too, then hell, girl - what can I say. NOONE plans a serious proposal like that - I mean imagine the mental process: 'oh yea I love her how can i do this in a special way, yea, i know, when we are both drunk as hell in our local pool bar afta ive hugged some otha chick'.

 

So yea, hes a bad guy, he aint gona propose, he aint worth u. Go find a guy who deserves a sweetie like u.

[IfiKnewThen]

ok ......so i see you mentioned your ages in the first sentence. hehe how did i miss that. either way my advise still stands.

[ConfusedCarolina]

Well, I'm happy to say that he's FINALLY let me know what's been going on with him, but I'm very worried for him.

 

He finally told me that for the past couple of months, he's been going to his Dr every two weeks for tests on his liver & kidneys. He has epilepsy & the drug he's been on for the past few years has severe side effects for his liver mainly. I've always known that he goes for check up every 3-4 months. But at his last check up, they found fatty tissue in his liver & polups in his kidney's & have been testing him ever since. He said only that much & doesn't want to talk further about any details of it & mostly doesn't feel up to being around anyone most of the time. He still cares about me & loves me, but he knows that I want to be with him til we're both in our 90's.

 

So, I'm keeping my faith in him beating this & letting him know that I'm here for me for anything he needs & that I love him. I'm not sure of what else I can do for him, but I'm waiting & praying. I'm not the type to force him into talking or seeing me cuz I know that he'll talk when he's ready.

[carhill]

OK, he disappeared without a word for a month because of a medical issue. Seriously, does that sound healthy for a man who says he loves you and wants to marry you? A month is a really long time. That's 259,200 seconds. Tic-toc. Think about that. Not one peep, not even an "I'm OK".

 

So, his fear *is* apparently in the real, but are you up to the resolution and how it plays out with his emotional style?

 

Hope it works out

[ConfusedCarolina]

OK, he disappeared without a word for a month because of a medical issue. Seriously, does that sound healthy for a man who says he loves you and wants to marry you? A month is a really long time. That's 259,200 seconds. Tic-toc. Think about that. Not one peep, not even an "I'm OK".

 

I do apologize. I posted earlier that he had answered the phone when I called a couple times (I'm very tired right now & can't remember how many times I called him) to talk only long enough to find out was I'd been up to. But then would get off the phone without giving me a chance to find out anything about him.

 

QUOTE=carhill;3347155]So, his fear *is* apparently in the real, but are you up to the resolution and how it plays out with his emotional style?

 

Yes, I'm praying for him & finding out as much as I can about liver failure & non-alcoholic fatty liver. So that way when he's ready to go into more details with me about the exact tests their giving him & such, I'll be informed & ready to talk about it myself. I'm not sure of what the resolution is though.

[pureinheart]

Hi CC,

 

Forgive me, as I have only read bits and pieces of your thread...actually, I didn't have to because I have been through this many times with a couple of men that used to be in my life...

 

I read CH's response and a few others and it sounds all too familiar. He sounds like a commitment phobic, and it is hard to say exactly where and what areas the manipulation lies, but it is there...he could be dangling carrots to keep you around...

 

Hey guard your heart and try not to take him too seriously...also I have to ask...if he was that sick, the majority of committed people want their SO there with them if it is at all possible...I am not saying that he wasn't sick, although it is up to you..question: Do you want a real marriage or an arrangement?