willowthewisp Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 Reasons why a dumper would be here 1. They come here to seek justification and validation for what they have done to ease their guilt - mainly the walk away married spouses, there are tons of them over on the divorce forum, it's quite upsetting sometimes to open up a new thread and read it. Not only do they only care about themselves and want validation, they don't even care that they may be causing hurt to people already on the forum and in huge pain, when they respons to us. Anything to ease their guilt. Selfish, hence why they had affairs, walked away from marriages without trying to work things out first. (Rant over!) 2. They realise the mistake they made somewhere down the track and come for support. 3. They had a mutual breakup and just come here for a short while to chat and adjust. 4. They are snopping on their ex's as a another way to justify their actions, "oh look he/she WAS nuts, look what they wrote about me, oh yeah, defo did the right thing". Possibly others..... Link to post Share on other sites
lapse Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 Well, I was the dumper... I just don't want to work it out with someone who runs to match.com to post his profile whenever he starts to feel like our relationship might be on the rocks. I don't even know if, under those circumstances, I should technically be considered the dumper. But actually I was because he only did it to have an immediate backup plan should he find himself dumped. That crap relationship could have gone on forever if I hadn't ended it. Seriously, dumpers shouldn't feel guilty. Marriage is one thing, but ending a relationship is nothing to feel guilty about. Now how some people choose to do it is a different story entirely. And yea, I'm about as likely to find the ol dumpee here as I am to find out that he has been reading the Grief Recovery Handbook or Plato. Link to post Share on other sites
1784 Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 (edited) I think there are really only 2 ways to go about dealing with a breakup, whether you were the dumper or the one dumped: 1) Confidently. Knowing that this is the right decision. Constantly supplementing their own situation with thoughts, rationalizations, 'facts', etc, that confirm their present state. A person like this wouldn't likely come here. They would talk to people they know would tell them they were right (perhaps friends and family). This is typically the dumper. 2) Insecure. Constantly looking for answers as to why they feel like this wasn't the right decision. What they can do to change the situation. What can stop the questioning, the pain and the longing. They're going to log in and ask question after question because they don't have enough confidence or know-how to answer these questions themselves. This is typically the one who was dumped. Now there are exceptions, of course. Some people who do the dumping may question their motivation and come to a place like this seeking affirmation. Also, this isn't to say that the dumper does not feel remorse for what they ultimately decided; but usually people who end up on forums such as these are looking to others for support. While my ex has certainly been hurting I don't think she'd wind up here. She's very steadfast in her decision-making and a site like this would most likely cause her to question her decision even more. People don't like nor want to question their decisions. Second guessing is not a favorable disposition. Edited April 4, 2011 by 1784 Link to post Share on other sites
lapse Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 1784 - that's what I'm saying, though. I'm certain of the decision... completely. But I'm here looking for support because it hurts like hell! Link to post Share on other sites
1784 Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 Well I commend you. It's never easy breaking up with someone nor is it easy to deal with being broken up with. We should always be learning and striving to grow. You can't do that without questioning yourself. I think any healthy human being should be looking for how to better themselves and their existence, whether in a position of power or not. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted April 6, 2011 Share Posted April 6, 2011 (edited) I think people come here from all walks of life because no one really has all the answers and the hurt and pain is felt by both sides, the dumper and the dumpee, the left behind and the walk away....both sides look for justification or validation, both sides are looking to learn something about themselves or just need "friends" in similar situations.....leaning harder when the memories hurt but don't want the forget the good parts. Each situation is unique...personally, I don't let my friends sway my opinions or influence my decisions....if I did, my life would be a roller coaster all the time. I tend to try and use my head (look at the actions and the words...but probably over analyze), but most of the time my heart gets the better of me. Here on LS, I'm with people who feel the same way....with my friends, well that's another story....they just listen because they know they can't tell me what to do. Honestly, if we could get straight answers from the people we love and care about, most of us probably wouldn't be here looking for other's in similar situations to share our pain. Edited April 6, 2011 by trippi1432 Link to post Share on other sites
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