Don't even recognize myself right now

[SidLyon]

If he is genuine he won't mind you confirming with his wife.

 

If you are sincere you won't mind asking her.

 

Anything else is just either you or him making up excuses as to why she can't know. And it means you are having a secret affair.

 

Just my opinion.

[BB07]

Please don't take this as me defending him, but he's actually not done any of those things, because I've brought up my concerns to him before. He says he understands if I don't want to see him anymore. He isn't making any promises or anything like that. I just know myself - and if I get too involved or start "liking him too much" it will just hurt more down the road. Not to mention that I am uncomfortable knowing I'm involved with a guy who is officially with someone else. It's something I never thought I would knowingly do, and now I have.

 

One more thing and I'll quit. IF he is lying about the separation, what you've described above could be his way of manipulating you. I was manipulated to the 9th degree by his coming across as such a nice guy and the things he would say that seemed so nice and kind.

 

I'll quit harping on you OK.......I'm just afraid he is playing you and I don't want you to go down the road I've been down. Please be careful and let him sort out his crap without you being part of it........really separated or not, it's not going to be a painless relationship for you.

[Carrot2000]

If he is genuine he won't mind you confirming with his wife.

 

And if he's genuine, he will understand why you don't want to be involved with him until he's divorced.

 

The guy sounds like a serial monogamist since he moves from one relationship to the next pretty quickly.

[freestyle]

And if he's genuine, he will understand why you don't want to be involved with him until he's divorced.

 

The guy sounds like a serial monogamist since he moves from one relationship to the next pretty quickly.

 

This is a point I was trying to make on the first page here--whether he's lying or not---You're still getting Rebound Man--which is a big red flag in and of itself.Someone who doesn't take time in between relationships..........

 

That can contribute to a bunch of other relationship issues......

[fooled once]

First off, please don't let me offend anyone, but I have always been the woman who thinks cheaters and adulterors are scum. I've never cheated once in my life, but I have been cheated on and always thought lowly of people who knowingly cheated or helped someone else cheat.

 

HOWEVER, I am about five months out of a particularly messy break up. I met a guy via an online dating site who is "currently separated". BUT, all this means is that he and his wife live in the same house, but have different beds/bedrooms. They both travel for work and have out-of-town-family, and they try to coordinate so they are not in town at the home at the same time. This man's explanation to me is that he is saving some money so that when he officially files his divorce papers, if she refuses to continue helping to pay for their mortgage, etc., he will not be down the toilet financially. He says he is also trying to keep her placated so that she will not be vindictive about settling their affairs.

 

Even as I typed that above paragraph, I feel like an idiot who is gullible enough to believe the lies coming from a man who is just cheating on his wife. I thought this might be a great arrangement for me, because emotionally I am still recovering from my messy break up. I made it clear I would not sleep with him while he is married, and so since January we have been out about four times to dinner or to see a movie. He texts me a lot, and our texts have been anything from normal conversation to steamy & romantic.

 

I really, really like the guy, though. He is a lot of what I would look for in a man: polite, polished, educated, hard-working, funny, easygoing. Someone I could see bringing home to mom or taking to work functions. I did okay until last night - we had a great night out (I mean, one of my top five dates ever great). I had a really stressful day, and he did everything in his power to help me relax, make me laugh. I ended up sleeping with him.

 

Today, I feel so guilty. I feel like a hypocrite. I feel like I have gotten myself into a no-win situation. Not only do I have no idea if or when he is actually getting divorced, but I also found out that his job here may be eliminated and he may move several hours away on June 1.

 

I am assuming that most people's advice will be to move on now, before I get in any deeper. But some support would be very appreciated. I'm anxious about the situation I am in and very down on myself for doing something I consider to be breaking my principles.

 

I was 'dating' a guy who DID live separate and apart from his wife - he told me he was divorcing and even went to the same divorce lawyer I had when I divorced my ex (prior to me even knowing him). He lived separate and apart from his wife for a YEAR. When his lease was up, he moved back to his marital home, telling me he was only going back to show her he was done.

 

And I stupidly believed this!!!

 

The fact that this guy is NOT living on his own is a HUGE HUGE red flag. I would be willing to bet his wife has NO IDEA what he is doing and I would also bet he isn't sleeping apart from his wife. Are there kids involved? If not, then what's the hold up?

 

Honestly? Maybe all of the above. I read another thread from women who were in similar circumstances with men who claimed they were going through a separation/divorce with an end in sight, but that end never actually came.

 

Am I right to assume he's probably just cheating? Am I right to assume he probably isn't actually getting a divorce? * Yes, I feel it is right to assume he is just cheating. Yes, I believe you are right to assume he has no intention of divorcing

 

What would you do in my situation? * RUN. End it. Tell him you don't date married men. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated further. You have already done something you stated you were against...being with a cheater. After 4 dates, in 4 months, you gave in and slept with him.

 

I think I know how I let myself get into my predicament - I'm lonely and miss my ex, I'm living in a new town with relatively few friends to go out with, and he's REALLY great to me. Everything in my head told me to stop last night, but I didn't. I realized my feelings were developing for this guy over the past few months, but I ignored the warning signs and pushed ahead anyway.

 

My comments in bold above. Please don't make excuses for what you did. Just own it. You messed up. You betrayed your own views, your own morals, and your own ethics. He didn't make you sleep with him. You chose to - whether it was from lonliness, sadness or whatever. Put the 'blame' on your shoulders and ask yourself why you allowed this to happen when it goes against everything you believe in.

 

I think it was your post or you had written in it. He has not filed papers. I think that is what makes me most uneasy. The fact that he could "change his mind" at any time and stay in his marriage. And I think my issue with it is more that I hate being the "other woman" than of worrying about my own feelings for him. I feel awful for having "helped" someone "cheat".

 

All of this is based on an assumption that he is being honest.

 

He says that she is understanding of his desire for a divorce and that she agrees it is what is best, but is sad about it. She has no idea he has even attempted to date again. They currently own a house here, and they are trying to sell it. He is afraid if she found out he was dating me, or even attempting to date by signing up to a dating site, that she would stop paying her share of their household expenses, including a mortgage that he cannot afford on one income. So, he said that until he builds up more savings to cover any financial hit he may take, he is waiting to file paperwork.

 

*Baloney. I am betting his wife has no idea he plans to divorce and since he has NOT filed any papers, there is no "proof" he has any intention of divorcing. Men with the types of morals he seems to have (which aren't good) know how to manipulate a person and know how to make that person feel like a million bucks.

 

He hasn't separated finances, he hasn't seen a lawyer. He has no need to build up savings - in MANY cases, the judge will order them to sell the home (if neither can afford it) and split any profit. He is lying to you IMHO. He is making you feel sorry for him...poor MM, living with a woman he doesn't love and now has to save money for .... what? Does he think you are stupid because the money in the bank is SHARED money - she can legally go and drain the account (if her name is on it) and walk away with the money. Many states are 50/50 states...so even if they divorced tomorrow, whatever he claims he has 'saved', she would get 50% of.

They got engaged and married within like six months of having met, and (hmm...surprise surprise) he was recently out of another long relationship when he met her. He told me he expressed concerns to his parents and friends and best man, but everyone told him he couldn't back out of the wedding at that point. They have been married less than two years.

 

* Yawn. Same old story many MM claim. I guess he wasn't man enough to express his concerns to his future wife? Why did he propose if he wasn't certain, after only knowing her 6 months? I married my 2nd H within 8 months of meeting. We will celebrate 13 years of marriage in a few weeks Many people I know who are on 2nd marriages, did get married fairly quickly because they 'know better' the 2nd time around vs the first time around.

 

I suppose I could have been more pressing for details, but when he said "currently separated" and told me this, I assumed they were already living separately. He does not wear a wedding ring, but I suppose any man could just take the ring off. I'm not totally stupid. Haha.

 

Many men don't wear a wedding ring. My father didn't for years, because of what he did. It was a safety issue.

 

Sorry stance, I think this guy is a liar and a cheat. IF he was truly separating from his wife, he would have PROOF of that. He would be showing you by his ACTIONS, not his words. He sounds like a user. He senses you are vulnerable and has pounced on that.

 

I hope you told him before the movie that you are not interested in dating a married man. I hope you hold strong. Since you have only been on 4 dates, the good part is you haven't invested much time in him.

 

You deserve better. You deserve to have a man in your life who isn't already committed to someone. Tell him to look you up after he is divorced and after he has had some counseling.

[Woman In Blue]

Stace, you'd be amazed at how many married men are on dating sites claiming to be separated.

 

As a rule, I NEVER date separated men because these guys still have unfinished business to take care of, and plenty of drama yet to come. Blech. Can't be bothered. And I'm talking about the truly separated men who have their own place and have been out of the marital home for 4 or 8 months, etc. If they're separated, they've got unfinished business - period.

 

But when they're "separated" like this clown claims to be - but it all has to be hush hush - you're being taken for a ride.

 

Dump his sorry ass. But do know that there are tons of married men on the make looking for a little excitement. If they refuse to give you a home phone number (less and less people have these, I realize) or they seem to disappear after 6 pm and on the weekends, be VERY wary.

 

I have to agree with what Lizzie said on another thread - most husbands cheat. The older I get, the more I believe it.

[stace79]

Wow! You guys are all on a roll. I do sincerely appreciate your opinions, even the harsh ones, because seeing as this is new territory for me (I've never been married nor involved with someone married), I don't know all the ins and outs.

 

I did tell him last night that I cannot and will not see him again. I told him I think he's very nice and have enjoyed spending time with him, but unless something changes in his situation, I can't date him. I am certain he will text me again in a few weeks to see if I will relent, but I just have to be strong about it.

 

You've all brought up many things that didn't even occur to me - particularly the part about him "saving" money. You are so right! That money would have to be equally divided up in our state because of divorce laws! I can't believe I didn't realize that before.

 

In any event, I appreciate the back up, because sometimes it is easy to rationalize my bad choices. It helps to hear so many other people in agreement with my gut feelings. Makes it easier to stick with my hard decision.

[fooled once]

Wow! You guys are all on a roll. I do sincerely appreciate your opinions, even the harsh ones, because seeing as this is new territory for me (I've never been married nor involved with someone married), I don't know all the ins and outs.

 

I did tell him last night that I cannot and will not see him again. I told him I think he's very nice and have enjoyed spending time with him, but unless something changes in his situation, I can't date him. I am certain he will text me again in a few weeks to see if I will relent, but I just have to be strong about it.

 

You've all brought up many things that didn't even occur to me - particularly the part about him "saving" money. You are so right! That money would have to be equally divided up in our state because of divorce laws! I can't believe I didn't realize that before.

 

In any event, I appreciate the back up, because sometimes it is easy to rationalize my bad choices. It helps to hear so many other people in agreement with my gut feelings. Makes it easier to stick with my hard decision.

 

stance, glad to hear you kicked him to the curb And very glad you took all of our posts with an open mind. Sometimes, you need to hear from others who aren't close to the situation, who don't have a vested interest and who have been there, done that - have the t-shirt!

 

Good luck to you!

 

Me, I firmly believe that only SOME MM cheat. I would never say 'most' or 'all'. Some people just have no morals or values nor are they honorable people. Some cheat with anything that moves, some are more selective. But being a cheater is not a good character trait in my book.