‘Not dateable’ woman wants FWB, I want a relationship

[east coast edward]

Here is what happens a couple of hours ago. She txt me: "I think I've changed my mind about coming around tomorrow, I'm sorry! but you havent done anything to make me feel like you really want me to".

 

Hehe this woman makes me laugh, I've been playing it cool this week at work with her and trying not to act like I'm obsessed and thinking about her constantly (which I am). So we had been a little bit distant mostly this week, I just wasnt initiating things (I'm usually the one who does) and she wasnt either.

 

 

So after the txt I ring her and just rant at her about how much I have been looking forward to tomorrow night, how much I adore her and think about her constantly, and how I have been just trying to back off and give her space because I dont want to come across too needy. She sounded quite sad, maybe was crying a bit, maybe not.

 

So after that we chatted online a bit and we explain ourselves to one another, she said she was having a bad day today and really needed me but I wasnt there for her, I told her I really want to be there for her and she should just come to me when she needs me... and we talked in that vein for about 30mins. SO yes, we got back to being happy and laughing and saying nice things to/about each other and, she changed her mind back, she is definitely coming over tomorrow, and now we are much closer again.

 

This all makes me adore her even more.

 

That is just the trouble, these roller-coaster events really drain you, but also make you more focused don your quest. I suspect (as this is what people tell me) that the real path is to be committed, and appear so, without being too intensive. We need to be there, but not in their face. Essentially women want men to be fitted with a swtch, off/on, its as simple as that.

 

So, don't ignore her at work, but don't what ever you do smother her or impede her space in any way. Just cast the odd glance and smile.

 

She's probably having a deep internal emotional debate over the prospect of having sex, you bet she wants it but there is something holding her back. Because she can't rationalise this she's taking it out on you. Actually, taking something as fundamental as this out on you is almost a recognition that she's beginning to see you as her boyfriend, in other words she's wrestling with an emotional connection. Its tough, but the only advice is, be tough - keep your cool. She'll put you through the grinder but wants you to be strong and there for her.

 

With normal relationships this is sort of natural, after all sex usually occurs fairly on, later turning to love if the relationship persists. If things go wrong the couple part, usually with no or not much pain on either side, it just didn't work. But what you two are doing is taking a friendship into something that from the first moment is almost like a marriage.

 

Let's be clear what you are experiencing: you can never have sex with her, I mean just sex that is. The reason is that your relationship as a friendship is already more connected than that, neither of you can just walk away without massive injury. So what's going to happen is that you are going to make love: it has to be special will change both of you. But beware of the danger, although you will both change and understanding will increase you will not totally level. Your own emotions may well trigger by feeling of her as your wife. But all she may want at this time is to be comfortable, relaxed and certainly not transposed into a position that she is not yet comfortable with. Also, you have to realise that by creating an intense emotional connection between the two of you, you are looking forward this is a big step toward what you want. She however is looking for the moment (which is why it has to be special) but also looking back. By having an emotional and loving encounter that goes beyond sex, you are helping her to sever (and bury) residual emotional and sexual feelings from her past relationship. She wants to be safe and special, and this is what you need to make her if she is to be yours.

Edited May 6, 2011 by east coast edward

[guy777]

I think you're going to have to stop confessing your love for her (I realize you haven't said those exact words). Read a book or something to give you funny comebacks when she starts digging you to tell her like you have been. If you back off on telling her you love her, she might start telling you she loves you. Otherwise I don't think you two are going to happen. You shouldn't be telling her all this love dovey stuff unless you guys are married. And at that point you won't be burning as hot as you are now, so save some up man.

 

In the mean time, I totally agree that you should date some other women and don't hide if from her. She will get mad, but as others have said it will only make her want you more. And you can actually use her to help you get dates because when you hang out with her you will look more dateable to other ladies checking you guys out. Sounds like if you date other ladies she'll definitely comeback at you mad in a similar way to that drunk text night (which is good because you will know she cares), but do your best not to go running to her so fast again. Make her wait till the next day at least. She's probably not going to go find another guy in that short period of time. If she does, do you really want her? Then when she asks you in a round about why you didn't come running, make jokes about it. You are getting way heavy on her dude. It's not going to make her want you. Why the world works this way sucks for guys like us, but that's the way it is.

 

She wants you to have the balls to break her down and not come running. Give her that and you might get her. If she doesn't then you never had her anyway.

[rolildFlalo]

Downloads Toy Story 3 Movies Full The Town Film Good Quality Free Download Ratatouille Soul Surfer eminem Prowl Film To Watch Now Hop online Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son Lost Full Movie No Strings Attached watch whole film of Water for Elephants I Want To Watch The Madea's Big Happy Family Film Terry Movie Facts download the whole movie of Sniper: Reloaded Downloads The Hangover

[nezbo]

Wow, what an amazing weekend. 24 hours with her, and she was so comfortable and happy=). We spent most of the time in bed, the sex was amazing, very hot, passionate and intimate. I kinda told her I'm falling in love with her in a kinda indirect way (i.e. 'what if I told you...'), she didnt freak out or withdraw from me, but of course didnt reciprocate.

 

While lying in bed cuddling for many hours, our status came up in conversation again. I keep telling her how much I to be with her, I know I should stop pestering her about it and I will try and stop. But I just always feel like sharing all my feelings with her, because we are so close and honest/open with each other. It got her trying to explain and she cried again=( I need to stop doing that, but I always keep wanting to check if shes changed her mind. But she hasnt, she loves spending all this time with me and being intimate, she always pulls me towards her for cuddles and now initiates sex stuff... but says she still doesnt want 'more' whatever that is. I told her I'm not asking for more, I just want to know that this isnt going to end... but she wont commit to that.

 

She told me how she cant trust anyone, including me, although she really does act like she trusts me, and shares so many intimate secrets with me. She explained how she trusted her fiance 100% for 7 years only for him to have a secret affair a couple of months before the wedding, and now she is weary of everyone. It hurts a bit that she says she cant trust me, because I know I'm sincere and honest/loyal and trustworthy. I come across very genuine in person, generally people seem to trust me. But I can understand her ability to trust anyone has been greatly damaged. I just wonder how long it will take to heal?

 

But overall, this weekend was positive and fun. I looked after her really well and she didnt want to leave, she said it was best weekend shes had in a long time=) She also invited me to stay with her at her parents unoccupied house next weekend, so that will be another weekend of closeness and great sex, then the weekend after that we are flying miles away to a concert and staying in a hotel together=)

[east coast edward]

.......

She told me how she cant trust anyone, including me, although she really does act like she trusts me, and shares so many intimate secrets with me. She explained how she trusted her fiance 100% for 7 years only for him to have a secret affair a couple of months before the wedding, and now she is weary of everyone. It hurts a bit that she says she cant trust me, because I know I'm sincere and honest/loyal and trustworthy..........I just wonder how long it will take to heal?

......... She also invited me to stay with her at her parents unoccupied house next weekend, so that will be another weekend of closeness and great sex, then the weekend after that we are flying miles away to a concert and staying in a hotel together=)

 

Well done Nezbo, that's a result!

 

Just a couple of comments/things to be wary of.

 

(1) Of course she doesn't trust anyone. She's very badly hurt, someone she loved has betrayed her to her soul. Naturally she doesn't trust you at all, actually she especially can't trust you because you are the one that is coming close to her. But letting you get close is trust in itself, so there you are its coming.

 

(2) I really would stop trying to pin her down on relationship status. It isn't a case of what you want or what she wants, but where you are now and where it might go.

 

What you have is a freshly established intimate and loving relationship that is projected forward through arranged dates. Just chill out, look out and look after her emotionally (be mature and considerate). Make sure that she takes the maximum enjoyment out of your love life by concentrating on her needs. But above all live it for now, that's what she's doing and you need to do the same.

 

It is the relationship itself that will carry this forward, and overcome her doubts, not your desire to marry her.

[nezbo]

thanks=) i wont bother her about status anymore, ill jst focus on making her happy and comfortable, with no pressure.

[nezbo]

we talk tonight, she said:

 

"i have barriers up and nothing can change that. you know out of everyone that has been vying for my attention lately you are the only person i want to hang out with and you are the only person i feel safe with and i trust you the most so i must see into you more than you think"

 

so lovely. =)

[guy777]

we talk tonight, she said:

 

"i have barriers up and nothing can change that. you know out of everyone that has been vying for my attention lately you are the only person i want to hang out with and you are the only person i feel safe with and i trust you the most so i must see into you more than you think"

 

so lovely. =)

 

Good to hear things are going how you want. But you will be wise if you can back down on the pressure. It's hard to do, especially when she starts picking at you about it. But don't open up as soon as she does. You need to make her pick at you about it for awhile. If she is, then you can feel secure she isn't going anywhere. That's the thought that should go through your mind when she wants to talk about us. Not immediately, "OMG I love you so much I'm ready to take a bullet for you"

 

Comeback, something halfway joking. .. "I know you, and I know you dig me. You're a lucky girl to spend time with a guy as cool as me." . . she will love it.

 

Not, "whew that's a relief, let's swear our undying love for each other so you'll be trapped in my little heart shaped box for the rest of your life"

Edited May 9, 2011 by guy777

[east coast edward]

Good to hear things are going how you want..............

 

Comeback, something halfway joking. .. "I know you, and I know you dig me. You're a lucky girl to spend time with a guy as cool as me." . . she will love it.

 

Not, "whew that's a relief, let's swear our undying love for each other so you'll be trapped in my little heart shaped box for the rest of your life"

 

 

Spot on. Just be cool, that's what she wants.

 

Something I missed by not reading the whole thread was the history, and your ages. Grief the chap she was engaged to and ended up cheating on her took up 7 years of her life. Now you can't say that she didn't have a good time, at least some of the time, but she's probably feeling that this guy consumed her '20s. So here's another point. Whilst she's l;poking to you to be strong and caring, she's also looking for a bit of adventure, and probably wants to feel 25 again! No wonder she wants to gpo to concerts with you....

[east coast edward]

Spot on. Just be cool, that's what she wants.

 

......Whilst she's l;poking to you to be strong and caring, s....

 

Wrote this late at night on a bus, so sorry for the typo. What I meant was "looking" rather than "l;poking"....

[nezbo]

it feels like we are quite a bit closer since the weekend. lots more affection and warmth in our daily interactions. and we both seem even more comfortable and natural around each other. and we are both less hesitant with affection now that we've kinda established that we both kinda 'need' each other in that way. longer goodbye hugs/kisses, and we keep arranging to do more and more things together, we're going out together thursday nite, im staying with her this weekend, and she offered me her bed sunday nite (and go to work together monday morn =) ) because im going to a concert i cant easily get home from. also i remembered she told me (on the weekend) that 3 other guy friends so far have hit on her and/or tried to arrange sex with her since her split but she found it offensive and rude and cut them off, so that must mean something that im the only one to get anywhere with her. she says ive been a gentleman=)

[east coast edward]

.......r. she says ive been a gentleman=)

 

That counts for a lot. You are, and stay that way. But, my suspicion is that you are also a free spirit, and creative - that probably counts too.

 

I wish you both the best of luck.

[nezbo]

That counts for a lot. You are, and stay that way. But, my suspicion is that you are also a free spirit, and creative - that probably counts too.

 

I wish you both the best of luck.

 

spot on! very creative and very much a free spirited person. thanks for all ur advice and encouragement=) i really appreciate it.

[nezbo]

It really feels like a relationship now. We spent Thursday night out at a gig with my friends, Friday and Saturday night staying at her parents unoccupied (and super nice and flash!) house, I spent the night with her at her place on Sunday night, and today (Monday) we went to an art gallery together at lunch time.

 

The sex is getting more passionate and our cuddles and talks getting more intimate, she even said every time we spend time together it gets better.

 

Every moment with her lately has been total bliss.

 

We fit together perfectly, I feel like I'm able to be more myself with her than anyone I've ever been friends or lovers with.... I open up to her bit by bit, and every time she reassures me by still wanting to be close with me... I've opened up so much I'm pretty much completely relaxed and transparent with her now. and it seems like she is with me too.

 

We keep getting closer, warmer and more attached with each other, she always comes up to me and hugs and kisses me and gently touches me now, wheras she wouldnt do that very much a couple of weeks ago.

 

I told her directly that I love her, she didnt even bat an eyelid, she just held me tighter and smiled. It doesnt freak her out at all, great! I tell her 'you make me so happy' and she says i make her really happy too. Before us, since her breakup she hadnt been very happy at all.

 

This is definitely nothing like friends with benefits. FWB is meant to be romanceless and emotionless, what we have is very romantic and emotional, we talk about everything, we spend every possible moment together, we cuddle and whisper to each other in bed for hours, we look into each others eyes when we have sex, its beautiful.

 

She smiles at me constantly every time we interact. we are both smiling at each other all the time. She has the most beautiful warm smile. It lights up my world.

 

Another sign things are changing: she told me she has been dropping hints about our little thing to one of our colleagues (who is also a really good friend of both of us)... wheras a couple of weeks ago she was adamant she wants us to be a total secret.

 

She is also openly touching me and kissing me in quite public places, even kissed me outside the entrance of our work today... she seems very relaxed and comfy about us, like she's not really trying very hard to hide it.

 

I'm still not going to bring up relationship status though, we are growing closer at such a fast rate that I dont need to force anything. She knows where I stand, I'm thinking she will bring it up when its no longer deniable that we belong together.

 

I'm so so so so in love

[east coast edward]

It really feels like a relationship now.........I'm so so so so in love

 

Well done, just keep your cool.

 

My thread needs some serious updating, so I'll post it on here. Then I would certainly welcome your advice!

 

Best wishes.

[Queerlitife]

The Red Movie Legal Super Movie Download Last Night movie to watch Download Hard Breakers Movie In Ipod Quality Zeitgeist: Moving Forward Story The Last Song movie full hd Meteor Apocalypse Divx Hd free Madea's Big Happy Family online Repo Men Movie Premier where to buy The Real Robin Hood movie Download Movie Babe, I Love You Pda Jai Bolo Telangana film online How To Watch Amish Grace The Movie Madea's Big Happy Family movie in high quality Download How Do You Know Film In Hd Formats websites to watch Tere Bin Laden the movie the Blood Into Wine download full movie Watch Jack Falls Movie High Quality Temple Grandin Information Something Borrowed Download Movie Download Shut Up and Kiss Me Movie Megamind online Dinocroc vs. Supergator Film Download Part Watch A Movie Avatar buy Wicked Love: The Maria Korp Story the movie Movie The Other Guys I Want To Watch Rampage Film Watch Blooded Film High Quality Machete Film Actors Nine Dead The Movie Shaolin The Movie In High Quality roger spottiswoode Dear John Watch The Whole Sex and the City 2 Movie Quality The The Switch Full Movie i want to watch the Just Wright film Full Download Switch Movies Subhapradam watch Subhapradam The The Lincoln Lawyer Full Film the Restrepo torrent Watch The American Movie In Full Next Friday movie on internet

[nezbo]

Love/status came up again last night unfortunately. She said some quite substantial and deep things, finding it difficult to interpret because some of it (the important parts) is conflicting.

 

"Im lying here desperately trying to think how to put into words how i feel about you as you mean so much to me but i know it is not love, maybe that is because of where i've been recently/what i've been through, i don't know. you are the kinda person i could love -you are wonderful in so many ways but i have been wounded too much recently to trust my own feelings but especially others. i don't think you can love someone just like that. i think our amazing friendship and closeness is being mistaken by you for love. you honestly though are kinda my world right now if that can be considered love, i've tried so hard to be open and tell you that no matter how much i like you, fancy you, love your company etc i am in no place right now to think about it as more than an amazing closeness with someone whom i never want to lose as the closest friend in the world but i know it is not love in the sense of the word that it is usually spoken to mean."

 

"it is important to tell feelings i just think you aren't listening to what i say about my feelings. i'm so confused i don't want to go down this road of confusion and hurt you along the way. that is the main thing for me right now. to sort myself out but to never ever hurt someone who means so much to me. i am so scared that i will, i can't love anyone right now, not like how you describe. but you are so so special. i really have to sleep now though, we can talk about it later as it is really important but now we have to sleep. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx"

 

Then during emails at work today, re: last night. Here's the most substantial part of what she said. again, kinda conflicting. Keeping in mind we are going away together this weekend, going to a concert and staying in hotel together.

 

"I was awake for a while, mainly thinking about what you were saying and stuff. generally feeling bad as I'm confusing you all the time.

 

I think it is really good that you tell me your feelings, but I really want you to try and remind yourself all the time what I always said at the beginning when we were getting close. I do mean it, you always said you were happy for things to be that way but your feelings are obviously changing now and I'm getting into the dangerous territory of hurting the one person I don't want to. which is why I tried to avoid the thing in the first place when you asked me out for dinner way back when.

 

of course I still want to be with you this weekend, I think it will be really good for us to be away from everything normal and think about stuff and talk and kinda do 'dating' stuff. see how it goes etc"

 

when she says "what I always said at the beginning when we were close" I'm guessing she means the not wanting to be in anything more than a friendship (or with benefits) type thing.

 

 

Its all conflicting, but I try not to interrogate her on the details, so I was hoping for some other peoples take on the interpretation?

[heartshaped]

She has been trying to tell you the same thing from the beginning- she is in no position to date anyone or to love anyone or to give her heart to anyone. You seem to think that you can change that or you can accept that, but you can't. It's obvious she doesn't want to hurt you, but she also enjoys the time she spends with you. You are a comfort to her because her world has been turned upside down, but I doubt she's in love with you and she most likely will never be.

 

I'm sorry, but I do think you should break things off with her. She's emotionally unavailable right now and she's simply only using you to ease her pain. She doesn't mean to be cruel in doing so, but she is.

 

I'm not speaking just as someone who has read your situation, but someone who has been there. I broke things off with my ex-fiance because he cheated on me. We'd been together going on four years and were getting married in a few months. You cannot understand the type of emotional state that puts someone in until you are there yourself.

 

I dated a wonderful man right after that who treated me like gold and loved me dearly. Despite all that, I could not love him and when I realized that I was only hurting him from our arrangement, I broke things off.

 

It's just a case of bad timing.

[Joe Normal]

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck...hell, if it TELLS YOU it's a duck - then what do you think it is?

 

She doesn't feel the emotions you do. Simple as that. To her it's FWB and nothing more, and she is going out of her way to try and stop you falling in love with her and seeing it as anything more serious. I suggest you take her at face value. If you can't handle that, then dump her and go no contact, and find an emotionally available woman.

[Joe Normal]

Here is what happens a couple of hours ago. She txt me: "I think I've changed my mind about coming around tomorrow, I'm sorry! but you havent done anything to make me feel like you really want me to".

 

.....

 

This all makes me adore her even more.

 

/facepalm

 

You are being played like a fiddle.

[Acapseirrisse]

buy The Switch tide movie Download The Kid Video Download Jackass 3D Video film watch film Top Gear Apocalypse Stonehenge Apocalypse trailer mp4 download The Truth Film Download Sites Download The Movie I Spit on Your Grave online Shrek Forever After Movie Download Blogspot Hellweek Film Premiere download Dil Toh Baccha Hai Ji full-lenght apple film trailer Boy free download of the Payanam Illegal The Hangover Film Download Alpha and Omega direct download The Film Emotional Atyachar movie with good quality download the movie Going Postal Shelter movies Alpha and Omega Teaser Download length of Splintered film Film Photo The Legend of Secret Pass Free Downloads Final Sale Restrepo film review Secretariat Movie To Buy film watch film I Am Number Four watch the whole Respire film when can i buy the Blood Into Wine movie Groupie online soundtrack download Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work Video Download The Black Dahlia film 2010 Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son The Full Film In Hd buy The Expendables tide hq dvd divx ipod free download of The Experiment Hellweek Film Hd The Romantics trailer mp4 download download the whole movie of Yip Man 2 Quality The Kevin Hart: Seriously Funny Full Movie cinematic The Last Seven download where to buy the The Other Guys film ipod Waiting for Superman free download the The Tourist watch You Again full movie high quality The Final Sale Full Movie Online Hard Breakers official trailer Re-Cut movie music Fast Five film with good quality where to buy the Six Bend Trap film download the Eddie Griffin: You Can Tell 'Em I Said It

[east coast edward]

Dear Nezbo, sorry I haven't replied for a while. Iys a function of time zone changes, and being in or not being in a relationship or something or other that is totally eviscerating me that I haven't posed lately.

 

I see what has been posted recently, and that's fair. You knew all along that she cant deal in emotional commitment because her emotional system is broken. You've chosen to comfort her, and this you are doing well.

 

You can't seek or get anything from her that is long term, or committed. What you have chosen to do is to help her to heal, it is a selfless act but on that she will thank you for. She obviously really needs you, and you need her, but for different purposes. Nothing wrong with that, as long as there is communication between you.

 

Don't dump her or leave her, or pressure her to commit to you.. Just takee what comes and enjoy it. But, most of all be careful, respectful and caring for her damaged emotions. Always be a support, never be a burden.

 

By the way, the person trying to give you advice here is one miserable, sad and lonely individual who should listen to his own advice before allowing emotions to destroy not one but two contracts. All I can do is sit here in a bleak motel in Texas thinking fondly of someone six time xones away, who wont even respond to my texts!

 

Sad!

[nezbo]

arr, its breaking my heart thinking about this today/yesterday. We had a great weekend away together.

 

I just cant understand how someone who is apparently emotionally unavailable and doesnt want more than a friendship:

1. Shares everything with me, tells me everything

2. calls me her best friend

3. tells me I'm her world right now

4. finds time to spend with me constantly, lunchtimes, after work and almost all weekend every weekend

5. comes online every night just to talk to me

6. emails me all day at work (about 30 emails a day)

7. meets me secretly for cuddles and kisses at work

8. gets sad if I back off her emotionally or am distant with her

9. wants/has passionate sex with me, looks into my eyes.

10. has refused sexual/romantic advances from 3 other guy friends

11. told me I am the kind of person she could love

12. on holiday she was constantly cuddling up to me, resting her head on her shoulders, stroking me affectionately, grabbing my hand to hold when we were walking.

13. Is always happy/laughing/smiling around me

14. Says she hasnt been happy since the breakup, but says she is happy when we are together, and is a lot happier since we've been spending so much time together.

15. We are constantly joking and making each other laugh, or cuddling, or sharing deep thoughts and feelings about family, friends, trust etc. there is never a dull or uncomfortable moment.

16. on holiday she accidentally (I think) referred to me as her partner in a little quip at the airport.

 

That is not FWB. Its closer and more intimate relationship than all but one of my past relationships, Including a 2 year relationship and two 6month relationships.

 

 

She's emotionally unavailable right now and she's simply only using you to ease her pain.

 

How exactly is that 'using' me? Maybe if we were only having sex (or spending my money, she isnt) without the other stuff I could believe that.... but if someone wants all of that stuff with me.... well thats exactly what I want in a relationship and want someone to want from me in a relationship, the only thing missing is the promise of a future.

 

but I doubt she's in love with you and she most likely will never be.

It's just a case of bad timing.

 

She said I am the kind of person she could love, why wouldnt she in the future? She is exactly the kind of person I've wanted my whole life and very very seldomly come across, why shouldnt I cling to hope and perservere with her? If theres any chance of being her partner theres no way I'm gonna give up that chance, she is a once in a lifetime catch.

[nezbo]

/facepalm

 

You are being played like a fiddle.

 

Nah, thats just an indication of how close we are and how precious and sensitive she is about our closeness and our bond. I hadnt been very attentitive to her emotionally that week (e.g. hadnt been very affectionate or sweet with her), but had been kinda flirty sexually... she picked up on that and obviously didnt feel appreciated on an emotional level. thats what she meant, and since then I've made sure I dont back off emotionally from her and have remained deeply open with her since.

 

And again that makes me even more hopeful, because she needs something emotionally from me that people generally dont expect from non-intimate friendships.

[nezbo]

By the way, the person trying to give you advice here is one miserable, sad and lonely individual who should listen to his own advice before allowing emotions to destroy not one but two contracts. All I can do is sit here in a bleak motel in Texas thinking fondly of someone six time xones away, who wont even respond to my texts!

 

Sad!

 

sorry to hear that, I've appreciated your input, PM me a link to your thread