So shocked

[Goldenspoon]

Anal Sex = Very Easy to Transmit HIV

 

Did she used condoms every time? Did she swallow?

[2sunny]

these things don't just happen by accident... she had to be participating with him for a long while before she cheated the first time... and she COULD have told you she was considering it - but she didn't. (selfish - only thinking of herself)

 

then she DID cheat. (selfish- only thinking of herself)

 

i'm sure it wasn't once - as they planned to be together before it happened- and IF it was good sex like she says (telling you that =) she most likely did it MANY times before she realized she was going to get caught. remember - she's consistently only thinking of herself.

 

now she comes clean all this time later to relieve HER guilt - and NOT consider YOUR feelings! sheez! (really selfish! and ONLY thinking of herself)

 

and she expects what? has she even stated what she wants now? i didn't see that part... is she trying to mend what she broke apart with HER actions? what is she planning to do to REPAIR the damage SHE caused? does she have a clear understand why she did this- and done the work necessary so it NEVER happens again?

 

if she hasn't... there's nothing you need to DO right now - except get her out of your life until SHE figures this out for herself. she needs consequences... and i don't mean you screaming at her... because that's not productive. call her friends and family... tell them what she's done. have her move somewhere else (consequences).

 

 

my question is: why would you even want to be with any woman that is THAT selfish and self serving? you deserve more than that.

[TMCM]

If she didn't love you she wouldn't have come clean. She also hid it for this long because of her fear of losing you. This fear is valid, you may not be able to move forward with her. But you may be able to. Often times affairs are the result of another deeper issue. It may be her issue, it may be your issue together. You will get some good advice on here and some bad advice, weigh it all soundly before you make an permanent decisions. I haven't read entirely through what everyone said, though I thought I saw someone tell you to leave her or ask her to leave. For a couple days for a clear head this may not be an entirely bad idea, but trial seperations rarely work out for the better.

 

Don't do anything rash. Ask for your space when you need it and she needs to give it to you. If that means you spend an hour or two in the garage or she baracades herself in your bedroom giving you the roam of the house then so be it.

 

She may have tried something with him that she wasn't willing to do with you but know that she already knew she was doing something wrong. She was already doing something she didn't think she would ever do. The level of the bad really isn't increased or decreased by the positions she tried or how long they did it for - emotionally this will have a horrible effect on you, but in reality it doesn't matter. She cheated. She lied. She hid. Those are the things you need to concentrate on. The rest is all white noise in the way of the things that you really need to be able to move forward from. My husband told me I looked ugly to him...that I looked dirty...it's been more than two years. He doesn't say those things to me anymore. He tells me I am more beautiful than when he married me. He tells me he's never loved me more than he does now...it took about a year before we began to feel normal again...another year to rebuild trust to a reasonable degree...we addressed so many issues that we had that we had not even realized...if I could take back what I did I so would. I so so so would. I hate what I did to him. I hate the pain that I caused him. I hate that I doubted my love for him, and even more that when I no longer doubted my love for him the he continued to doubt my love for him. We are in such a better place now, though, that we simply don't look back anymore. We have learned and we continue to learn and grow together now - we don't put our guard down to the outside dangers that can tear down our marriage, but we are closer now than we had been for 8yrs in marriage. We'll be celebrating our 11th anniversary in a few months...I hope upon hopes you're able to move forward and say something similar for yourself.

 

If she says she loves you...believe her. What she did last year was awful. Don't minimize it or ignore it, and she has a long road ahead of fixing things...but try to USE this to make a better relationship for the future - IF YOU CAN. If you can't...then that's understandable as well. I am so sorry for your pain.

 

SR you can't tell me that when your H found out abour your affair, that he actually believed you when you told him that you loved him. You yourself said that the you who betrayed him and the person you are now, are two very different people. It took him time, and especially actions on your part that matched your words for him to learn to trust the woman you are now.

 

So asking Oneofall to 'believe' his wife's words that she loves him before she earns back his trust through actions that match her words is a extremely pre-mature, don't you think?

 

No matter what the outcome of their marriage, there is an innocent child in the middle who deserves to have two emotionally healthy parents who MUST make it their top priority to learn to relate to each other for the benefit of said child.

[Oneofall]

Sorry for being gone. I had to log off to compose myself and feed our son.

 

I've been reading the recent comments and I'm convinced that she's keeping more of this hidden from me. The more I look at her and the way she behaves. Maybe later I'll see what more info I can get from her, and that's if she tells the truth.

 

Why did she do this? Because I'm not good enough? Her father's death? I don't know. I don't even know how much of this I can take.

 

Thank you again for the advice.

[WorldIsYours]

Sorry for being gone. I had to log off to compose myself and feed our son.

 

I've been reading the recent comments and I'm convinced that she's keeping more of this hidden from me. The more I look at her and the way she behaves. Maybe later I'll see what more info I can get from her, and that's if she tells the truth.

 

Why did she do this? Because I'm not good enough? Her father's death? I don't know. I don't even know how much of this I can take.

 

Thank you again for the advice.

 

I just read this. YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT FOR HER ACTIONS. Her self-centered, disgusting actions are because she's selfish and has problems of her own.

 

You have enough information to know she does not give a damn about you and your son. Get tested for STDs, expose this to everyone, and rid yourself of this woman. The pain is enormous, we know, because we've been in your spot. She wants to get butt-****ed by her co-worker and put your life at risk, kick her out. She should not be living in that house where it's all warm and fuzzy in the cold night. Tell her to ask her POSOM to take her in. Once he sees she's desperate, he'll reject her because all he wanted was to bone her.

[TMCM]

Sorry for being gone. I had to log off to compose myself and feed our son.

 

I've been reading the recent comments and I'm convinced that she's keeping more of this hidden from me. The more I look at her and the way she behaves. Maybe later I'll see what more info I can get from her, and that's if she tells the truth.

 

Why did she do this? Because I'm not good enough? Her father's death? I don't know. I don't even know how much of this I can take.

 

Thank you again for the advice.

 

Oneofall, a good rule of thumb for you to consider is that her actions will speak volumes more so than all the words that come out of her mouth (i.e. actions speak louder than words).

 

The most powerful of all actions on her part would be how willing she is to end all contact with the OM which includes quiting her job or transferring to another division. Granted that we are living in the most severe of economic times in recent history and that jobs are tough to get, but as long as she remains in contact with the OM, the possibility of a marital recovery becomes increasingly slim.

 

If you have a hard time controlling your emotions around her, then please seek profesional counseling. If not for your benefit then for the benefit of your little one.

 

I would also advice you to seriously consider a DNA paternity test to prove once and for all if the poor child is yours or not. There are so many tragic stories of the devastation of fathers and children who discover many years later the truth about their true paternity.

Edited March 31, 2011 by TMCM
more important advice

[ComputerJock]

I can't imagine a woman would do anal sex with the OM and not her husband. I think she has been having sex with him longer than a one night stand. You are in for a rollercoaster ride, and you will never look at her the same. Get tested and a lie detector test on the shank.

[2sunny]

she had the nerve to tell you - her H - that the man she had a "one night stand" with was better sex? that is NO WAY for ANY loving wife to be.

 

i think she's trying to hurt you more... so she can blame you for divorcing her sorry cheating a$$ - and walk away with no blame or guilt.

 

how much pain are you willing to let her dish out? she's UNBELIEVABLY hurtful and selfish.

 

kick her out. stop the pain by keeping her away. change the locks, move the money. make her find her own way since SHE chose this!

[TMCM]

she had the nerve to tell you - her H - that the man she had a "one night stand" with was better sex? that is NO WAY for ANY loving wife to be.

 

Granted that it is a low blow but he did ask her if the sex with the OM was better. If she had lied to him, that would only have made matters worse. Maybe the sex was better but ONLY because it was forbidden and exciting and not because he possesed any degree of sexual prowess. The brain is said to be the greatest sexual organ. It would be interesting to hear from former WWs if this was true in their particular situation.

 

i think she's trying to hurt you more... so she can blame you for divorcing her sorry cheating a$$ - and walk away with no blame or guilt.

 

how much pain are you willing to let her dish out? she's UNBELIEVABLY hurtful and selfish.

 

kick her out. stop the pain by keeping her away. change the locks, move the money. make her find her own way since SHE chose this!

 

Easier said than done. When you are in love with your WW, like Oneofall is with his WW, there is confusion and fear in making the wrong choice. To make matters worse, there is an innocent child involved which may or may not be his. In order for him to do what you suggest, he would have to emotionally detach from his WW first.

Edited March 31, 2011 by TMCM
better advice

[dreamingoftigers]

Hi there,

 

I am so sorry for your grief.

 

Take as much time as you need to get to grips with this. It will be painful one way or the other.

 

Often Wayward Spouses really don't get the pain that they are inflicting on their families. Odds are you never could have predicted how painful this is either.

 

First things first: to take care of you, you may want to visit a physician if you are finding yourself unable to sleep. For me the not being able to sleep factor was huge and pervasive. It touches every part of your life if you can't focus. You will also be teetering on the edge of depression for awhile.

 

The book After the Affair is quite helpful in understanding both points of view. As a BS it was helpful in seeing why my husband was such a dumbass.

 

It may help to see what your wife was thinking as well and why this may have happened.

 

I will not defend your wife's actions, they were hurtful and brutal. I hope that you are able to recover even if your marriage doesn't.

 

Marriages can be recovered from this though, it is by far not impossible.

 

I agree fully with reservoirdog1's advice.

 

Take it from people who have been there.

[ShatteredReality]

SR you can't tell me that when your H found out abour your affair, that he actually believed you when you told him that you loved him. You yourself said that the you who betrayed him and the person you are now, are two very different people. It took him time, and especially actions on your part that matched your words for him to learn to trust the woman you are now.

 

So asking Oneofall to 'believe' his wife's words that she loves him before she earns back his trust through actions that match her words is a extremely pre-mature, don't you think?

 

No matter what the outcome of their marriage, there is an innocent child in the middle who deserves to have two emotionally healthy parents who MUST make it their top priority to learn to relate to each other for the benefit of said child.

 

Well I ratted myself out during the time of the Affair and didn't claim to still love my husband. That happened later. At the time I was incredibly confused and didn't believe that I could do such things if I did love him, so I reasoned that I simply must not have loved him in order to treat him like that. Loving him - admitting it to myself and saying it to him - came later. He wanted to hear it right away and I wasn't in a place to say it. Some months down the road, though, after I'd had time to really come to terms with everything that happened...look at the situation more clearly and less emotionally...it was different. Within a Month or two even down the road I could tell him that I loved him with honesty. She may have selfishly withheld the information - but that doesn't mean that now, this far down the line, she doesn't feel love for him.

 

Sorry for being gone. I had to log off to compose myself and feed our son.

 

I've been reading the recent comments and I'm convinced that she's keeping more of this hidden from me. The more I look at her and the way she behaves. Maybe later I'll see what more info I can get from her, and that's if she tells the truth.

 

Why did she do this? Because I'm not good enough? Her father's death? I don't know. I don't even know how much of this I can take.

 

Thank you again for the advice.

 

She didn't do this because you're not good enough. I don't know what issues you two have had in your marriage, but her actions are her actions. It's never ok to justify cheating. The only thing you can hope to do is explain her mental state at the time that she did it - that may help alleviate some of the pressure. But what she did is still what she did. There are many other, more constructive ways she should have dealt with this situation. At this point you need to see if there is anything in the marriage itself that could have contributed to her mental state. This is not accepting responsibility for her actions, rather accepting responsibility for your own. It's not your fault she cheated. I repeat this. It's not your fault she cheated. All you can be responsible for is, in part, the state of the marriage when she decided to take that route. I hope that makes sense.

 

Errr......

 

 

 

Her cuckolding him is not fair either.

 

I never said it was fair. It wasn't.

 

Exactly. She did it for her own benefit.

 

I never said it was for his benefit. What did did she did out of fear. This was selfish of her because she didn't want to lose him when he clearly had the right to know and make the choice to stay or to leave.

 

A few sobs of meaningless sorries and apologies doesn't cut what she did. The man just found out.

 

Again, I didn't say that made it better. He did just find out and so his pain is fresh and raw. Her's has had time to move to a new place. This isn't fair and it doesn't make it ok, but she can probably see the situation more clearly now for what it was and more than likely feels worse about it now than she did when it happened.

 

I can say it and it's true. She doesn't love him.

 

You can say it, but that doesn't make it true. You don't know her heart. You don't know her feelings. You don't know her at all. You also don't know him.

 

The only pain she had was from her co-worker penetrating her booty.

 

Granted...that probably caused her pain then...and her self esteem is more than likely in the toilet...was probably then as well...but she's in pain over what she's done. It's the nature of the beast. The WS does feel pain over their actions as well - it's simply more deserved than it is with the BS who didn't have the ability to make the choice to knowingly walk into this world of torment.

 

This guy had no comfort since his wife made the decision to cheat. He just didn't know it yet.

 

I think my statement above also covers this...but mostly, if he does still love his wife, it might be of comfort for him to know that it's possible she does in fact love him now. When she was bopping the coworker I would question her love for him...but now...after time has passed...it's not for you or I to judge how she feels. That's something OP will have to determine by watching her actions.

 

She's not broken. She's selfish, manipulative, and calculating, trying to twist this man's mind for her own benefit.

 

I was broken. I was also selfish at the time that I did what I did. But I was terribly broken. I honestly don't think all the pieces are back. I did that, I have to own that, but maybe she's trying to put the pieces back together also. Again...we don't know her and we don't know him...we don't have her side of the story. Cheating isn't ok or acceptable - so there's no excusing it at all - that's not what I am saying. What I am saying is that after a person does something wrong they have to try to pick up the pieces and move forward somehow, the first step has been taken here. She could have taken this secret with her to her grave. It's not fair to him or to her to assume she ONLY told him to hurt him...or to manipulate him....there are far more conducive ways to manipulate a person into doing what you want them to do - causing them enough pain that they could potentially turn their back on you forever is hardly one of them. If she's truly that calculating then she would have had her ducks in a row and had a place lined up ready to go for this great marital escape...it doesn't sound like she's trying to leave him...

[Oneofall]

She went to work today after I asked her not to go. Completely ignored my request. I'm currently packing a bag to stay at my mother's house. My son will be coming with me. I will leave her a note telling her where we are.

 

This is very painful.

[ShatteredReality]

She went to work today after I asked her not to go. Completely ignored my request. I'm currently packing a bag to stay at my mother's house. My son will be coming with me. I will leave her a note telling her where we are.

 

This is very painful.

 

Does she still work with the guy? Is her income or health benefits something that you both depend on? My OM was a coworker as well and my H was not thrilled about me going to work. It took me months to transfer, but quitting wasn't an option for me at the time. I invited him to meet me on my lunch hour every shift if he wanted - though he chose not to - and showed him the muliple requests I put in each week for the transfer. If she still works with the guy she needs to change jobs if at all possible. Google Marriage Busters - that site was very helpful - my H spent quite some time on there - it should be the first site that pops up. Between this one and that one he was able to find comfort that I was otherwise unable to provide.

[2sunny]

She went to work today after I asked her not to go. Completely ignored my request. I'm currently packing a bag to stay at my mother's house. My son will be coming with me. I will leave her a note telling her where we are.

 

This is very painful.

 

SHE created this. don't leave! make it so SHE can't come home.

 

change the locks and tell her that SHE made a choice and SHE lives with the consequences.

 

no need for you to be uprooted when she caused it. make her suffer from her own behavior. she chose to go - now make sure she understands there is NO reason for HER to come home.

 

stay put. be safe. find a way to be happy and allow her to understand THIS is what SHE created with HER choices.

[Oneofall]

Does she still work with the guy? Is her income or health benefits something that you both depend on? My OM was a coworker as well and my H was not thrilled about me going to work. It took me months to transfer, but quitting wasn't an option for me at the time. I invited him to meet me on my lunch hour every shift if he wanted - though he chose not to - and showed him the muliple requests I put in each week for the transfer. If she still works with the guy she needs to change jobs if at all possible. Google Marriage Busters - that site was very helpful - my H spent quite some time on there - it should be the first site that pops up. Between this one and that one he was able to find comfort that I was otherwise unable to provide.

 

She still works with the guy and no, I have my own job.

 

Thanks for the advice. I will check out the Marriage Busters website.

[Oneofall]

SHE created this. don't leave! make it so SHE can't come home.

 

change the locks and tell her that SHE made a choice and SHE lives with the consequences.

 

no need for you to be uprooted when she caused it. make her suffer from her own behavior. she chose to go - now make sure she understands there is NO reason for HER to come home.

 

stay put. be safe. find a way to be happy and allow her to understand THIS is what SHE created with HER choices.

 

Well she makes a lot more than what I make so she pays all of the bills in that big ass house so that is why I'm staying with my mom. I can't stop her from getting in there if she wishes. She basically owns that house.

[2sunny]

Well she makes a lot more than what I make so she pays all of the bills in that big ass house so that is why I'm staying with my mom. I can't stop her from getting in there if she wishes. She basically owns that house.

 

ok. hand her all your power based upon the fact that she earns more.

 

let's see how that works out.

 

since she suffers no consequences = she is unlikely to change a thing.

 

as long as you allow her to hold all the cards - you choose what she dishes out knowing you are at her mercy.

 

you CAN change that part... but not as long as you keep handing her all your power.

[drifter777]

ok. hand her all your power based upon the fact that she earns more.

 

let's see how that works out.

 

since she suffers no consequences = she is unlikely to change a thing.

 

as long as you allow her to hold all the cards - you choose what she dishes out knowing you are at her mercy.

 

you CAN change that part... but not as long as you keep handing her all your power.

 

I think the important thing right now is that he takes the child and leaves. It doesn't seem as though she has any interest in a reconciliation so start cutting the emotional ties ASAP. This marriage is dead and she killed it - there's no sense in a power struggle now. He has to do something and if he won't/can't make her leave then splitting himself is the next best thing.

[Oneofall]

ok. hand her all your power based upon the fact that she earns more.

 

let's see how that works out.

 

since she suffers no consequences = she is unlikely to change a thing.

 

as long as you allow her to hold all the cards - you choose what she dishes out knowing you are at her mercy.

 

you CAN change that part... but not as long as you keep handing her all your power.

 

How can I give her consequences? I honestly don't know how. I see no other option except separation. Even if there is some alternative I don't know about, will I even have the strength to put up with this? I'm very tired and depressed.

[2sunny]

How can I give her consequences? I honestly don't know how. I see no other option except separation. Even if there is some alternative I don't know about, will I even have the strength to put up with this? I'm very tired and depressed.

 

file divorce papers then. outline for her that YOU request spousal support. most states would grant it since she earns more than you. make sure you request a huge amount of custody time... she will see that her actions caused her to divorce and pay money to the one she cheated on. that would only allow her to suffer consequences SHE created.

[WorldIsYours]

file divorce papers then. outline for her that YOU request spousal support. most states would grant it since she earns more than you. make sure you request a huge amount of custody time... she will see that her actions caused her to divorce and pay money to the one she cheated on. that would only allow her to suffer consequences SHE created.

 

Agreed. File for divorce dude.

[Oneofall]

file divorce papers then. outline for her that YOU request spousal support. most states would grant it since she earns more than you. make sure you request a huge amount of custody time... she will see that her actions caused her to divorce and pay money to the one she cheated on. that would only allow her to suffer consequences SHE created.

 

Okay, thanks.

[dreamingoftigers]

How can I give her consequences? I honestly don't know how. I see no other option except separation. Even if there is some alternative I don't know about, will I even have the strength to put up with this? I'm very tired and depressed.

 

Totally look up Divorce Busters, even if you don't want to stay married later, they have a lot of good ways to help you get back on your feet and give yourself strength to stay focused.

 

Don't rush anything that you aren't fully emotionally, physically and mentally prepared for. I know it hurts ****ing bad.

 

You can pull through.

[ShatteredReality]

Well she makes a lot more than what I make so she pays all of the bills in that big ass house so that is why I'm staying with my mom. I can't stop her from getting in there if she wishes. She basically owns that house.

 

DON'T DO ANYTHING RASH!!!! Just don't. If she is going back to work because she thinks her job is integral to your current way of life then you need to work some other arrangement out. She needs to find another job. She needs to have NC with this OM. Seriously...at first, I was pi$$ed that I had to find another job...I felt I should be able to handle it...but after reading a lot of what was on that marriage busters or whatever site that my H pulled up I realized that if I had a hope or prayer of my marriage working that I needed to transfer or find another company to work for. I couldn't quit, though, because we depend on my income and health insurance for the family. If you are in a similar situation then there ya go. If you need a day or two to take a break and be away from her fine, but don't just up and leave because she went to work. Think logically. I know that it's hard - I KNOW how emotional things are right now for you both.

 

I don't believe that every person is the devil, though. Nor do I believe that everytime a person cheats it's solely for the purpose of putting their SO through the most pain they can ever put them through - though admittedly that's an AWFUL and TRUE side effect. I also don't believe that she should get off scott free - she needs consequences. What worked for my H and I may be different from what works for you and her. My H has all my electronic acct passwords (he has the pw for this one but not my SN. He knows I have the acct but it's my one private thing). I leave my cell phone out and he is free to look at it...and for awhile he compared the online info to what was actually on my phone. I did not complain. Trust MUST be REearned...it's not going to be freely given. It's much harder to gain back. I did not make plans to go anywhere without speaking with him first for over a year, and even now I don't make anything firm without him knowing - it's become habit. And he does the same with me. We have an open revolving door...either one of us would be able to see quite quickly if the other were doing something "off" and we'd tackle it right away. You have to figure out how to get there with her.... IF you want to stay with her.

 

And if you divorce - so be it. You be the one to file first and make the petitions...but don't make any decisions out of raw emotion right now. You have to think clearly....write down lists...find a way to do it. I am so so sorry you're going through this...but YOU are the only one who can truly decide if you should stay...don't leave because someone on here told you to - and don't STAY because someone on here tells you to....we're a bunch of imperfect people with our own situations and our own experiences to draw from and bias us. Not every situation fits in a pretty little box with a bow. I so hope for the best for you. And I am sorry for this horrible situation you're in.

[seibert253]

A pretty simple fact is that if she didn't love you, and didn't want to remain your W, she would have never told you about her A. If she didn't fess up, do you think you would have ever found out? Probably not.

 

I've been where you are and know how hard this is, but it was also very difficult for her to stone cold admit what she did.

 

So many guys her NEVER get the truth, or anything even close to it.

 

Listen, there's a good possibility you don't have all the facts. But I'm not convinced of that. Why? When she told you the OM was better in bed, she KNEW this would break you heart, but she was brutally honest. I take this as a little bit of hope, (glass half full).

Dude, she could have just lied and said he sucked, but she didn't do this even knowing it would crush you. Again, brutal honesty.

 

Anyway, listen, time is on your side. Don't make any brash decisions you'll later regret. I think you and you kid "getting away" is a good idea. It will give you and your WW time away to think.

 

I judge by what you right that you want to try and repair your fractured M. But, even with that in mind, you need to protect yourself in case she doesn't.

Take this time away to consult with an Attorney and find out what your rights are. This is good in a two-fold effect.

1. Informs you on what your rights are and how to protect yourself

2. Shows her you are prepared to D her and move on unless she gets her act together.

 

Now eventually you are going to have to present to her what you expect from her before you will even consider taking her back:

1. Complete and total NC with the OM. If that means she needs to quit her job, so be it.

2. Total transparency on her part. (complete an total access to all email, FB, cellphones, etc)

3. MC and IC for her. (she needs to figure out why she did this, and how to ensure it never will again)

 

These are NOT open for negotiation. Don't present these as demands, but tell her this is what you require in order to ATTEMPT to remain in this M. It's her choice whether or not to comply. Make it crystal clear this is her choice, but you reserve the choice to D her.

 

Again, don't make and rash decisions. Take your time and digest everything that's transpired.

Maybe I'm just an optimist, but I think you have something to work with here. Many guys never get that opportunity.

 

Best of luck, and keep us informed.