Do You Start to Lose Interest if They Never Initiate Contact?

[Imajerk17]

Normally, I'd be all about communicating issues...but is something as fundamental as this something that should even have to be communicated...?

 

- "Hey you... [look lovingly into her eyes ]. I've noticed you never talk to me..."

- "Oh, was I supposed to...? I guess I can do that... [look lovingly into my eyes ]

 

Awkward...?

 

But seriously though, you would think it'd be something you'd expect from someone you're dating, right...?

 

You: "Hey I have a question... you're not a Rules Chick, are you?"

 

Her: "What do you mean?"

 

You: "Well I hardly ever hear from you! It's cool. A lot of women are shy like that. But it is such a turn-on when a woman is willing to take initiative..."

[Star Gazer]

But seriously though, you would think it'd be something you'd expect from someone you're dating, right...?

 

I don't know about expecting it, but I do think it should be intuitive and the desire to reciprocate natural. Her natural inclination isn't to initiate contact. Who knows why. I guess I just wouldn't care why, only that it's an issue at all, but that's because I want the rhythm ro be natural, not forced or one-sided. And if it's not natural, I move on.

[threebyfate]

Hokie, would you call me a passive personality overall?

[Kelemort]

Bah, forget gender roles. I think there's an element of passivity to all kinds of people who want to date. Everyone wants to reap the benefit and have someone show they're interested, but they don't want to do it in return. The exception is me because I'm an idiot and I carry on anyway.

 

Stop reaching out to her for a few days. Maybe a week. See what she does. If she comes back to you, good - reach out to her once or twice after, than let her do it. It sounds like she needs to learn that it's gotta be 50/50.

[USMCHokie]

Hokie, would you call me a passive personality overall?

 

From what I've read from you, I actually don't know. I would say that you have an assertive personality, but I don't know if that necessarily always translates into an assertive exterior demeanor...

 

Another question arises...do you all find that one's internal and external assertiveness/passiveness are independent or do they always match...?

[january2011]

I have to live on a training base about 50 miles away during the week and it's a huge pain in the ass to try and see her then...and besides, by the end of the day, I'm completely drained and generally irritable...

 

To be fair, are you giving off the busy/stressed/tired vibe and/or telling her that your time is limited?

 

If so, she may be (sub)consciously leaving it up to you to initiate contact when you're free to talk so that she's not 'bothering' you when you're not in the mood/too tired/too busy.

 

You've been in contact for four weeks now, however, it's not clear if in the that timeframe, you've developed a deep enough connection and reached a stage where you can both talk openly and honestly about levels and types of communication without it seeming too 'heavy' and 'serious'.

 

You know yourself and what you want. And you've a better idea than we do of the girl in the situation and what she wants. If your intuition tells you that an open and honest discussion is appropriate, I'd go with that. I suggest talking about it in a light-hearted almost teasing way to save her the dignity of it turning into a lecture/demand regarding your communication needs.

 

Edited to add: I'm all for being open and honest about needs, no matter what the stage of the relationship. I think it's unfair to expect people to be mindreaders and to penalise them for it.

Edited March 24, 2011 by january2011

[Darren Taylor]

I personally would never be in a relationship or even pursue someone if she's not going to put in the same amount of effort. If this is how it is now OP, don't expect it to change should you two become exclusive. One thing I've noticed(and I find extremely disturbing) is how many people(especially women) follow "rules", "guidelines", or whatever you want to call it. This is extremely counter-productive. I'm sure you've all heard of books and articles that advise women to play hard to get, not be too available, make him work for it, etc. Everyone in society would benefit much more by going after what they want instead of abiding by rules. These rules are often in books and these books are sold to make money, not because they have everyone's best interest at heart.

 

Being passive(this includes women) will not get you anywhere. Rules and other bits of "advice" make good for a New York Times best seller, but they will not help your dating life in the least. For starters, no two situations are alike and second, playing games sets up a horrible foundation for a relationship.

[USMCHokie]

I don't know about expecting it, but I do think it should be intuitive and the desire to reciprocate natural. Her natural inclination isn't to initiate contact. Who knows why. I guess I just wouldn't care why, only that it's an issue at all, but that's because I want the rhythm ro be natural, not forced or one-sided. And if it's not natural, I move on.

 

Well, I think I specifically used the word "expecting" because I had a conversation with my friend about how we tend to expect or look for certain qualities in women we date based on women from the past...

[threebyfate]

From what I've read from you, I actually don't know. I would say that you have an assertive personality, but I don't know if that necessarily always translates into an assertive exterior demeanor...

 

Another question arises...do you all find that one's internal and external assertiveness/passiveness are independent or do they always match...?

Expand on the bolded.

 

There's obviously a reason why I asked my original question which probably doesn't have anything to do with looking assertive.

[Darren Taylor]

Another question arises...do you all find that one's internal and external assertiveness/passiveness are independent or do they always match...?

 

 

Not always. It depends on the individual. Some can be extremely assertive on the outside, but are extremely passive internally. A lot of people put out a front. I really don't care about fronts because actions speak louder than words.

 

In your case OP, the girl you're involved with has a moderate interest level in you at best and very well may not even be lower than that. If she had a fairly high interest level in you, she'd be making some moves. My guess is either she's multi-dating and you're nothing more than an option(word of advice: never be someone's option) or she likes the attention you give her and is more interested in someone else.

[USMCHokie]

Expand on the bolded.

 

I was trying to make a distinction between what I feel is two different aspects of assertiveness. "Thinking" assertively (internal) and "acting" or "looking" assertive (external). Some people might have a very passive mindset, like Darren said, but fake assertiveness; while others think assertively but don't act or don't feel like they need to act on those thoughts.

 

When I stopped to think about it and type it out to you, it made less sense to me than when I first conceived the notion...

 

There's obviously a reason why I asked my original question...

 

I know.

[USMCHokie]

To be fair, are you giving off the busy/stressed/tired vibe and/or telling her that your time is limited?

 

Oh, I was very clear about how my time is incredibly limited. I work 12-14 hour days during the week, and she knows how far away I am. But I would certainly welcome any conversation from her even if I was completely exhausted...it's actually a really welcome change from the day-to-day and it'd be something I looked forward to...

 

You've been in contact for four weeks now, however, it's not clear if in the that timeframe, you've developed a deep enough connection and reached a stage where you can both talk openly and honestly about levels and types of communication without it seeming too 'heavy' and 'serious'.

 

You know yourself and what you want. And you've a better idea than we do of the girl in the situation and what she wants. If your intuition tells you that an open and honest discussion is appropriate, I'd go with that. I suggest talking about it in a light-hearted almost teasing way to save her the dignity of it turning into a lecture/demand regarding your communication needs.

 

Yea, this is a very good point. So far we've done a pretty good job with avoiding all of that "serious" stuff and keeping the conversations light, funny, and casual.

 

Edited to add: I'm all for being open and honest about needs, no matter what the stage of the relationship. I think it's unfair to expect people to be mindreaders and to penalise them for it.

 

Yea, I read about mind-reading and how it's definitely not a good thing to be doing. That is, assuming someone is thinking something and acting based merely on that assumption.

[january2011]

Oh, I was very clear about how my time is incredibly limited. I work 12-14 hour days during the week, and she knows how far away I am. But I would certainly welcome any conversation from her even if I was completely exhausted...it's actually a really welcome change from the day-to-day and it'd be something I looked forward to...

 

Have you told her that you'd welcome contact from her? Or have you only hinted and assumed that she's savvy enough to read your mind/between the lines?

 

If you've not said anything, I suggest saying something along the lines of "I really enjoy hearing from you. I'll leave my phone on so that if you want to IM me whenever you want, then you can. If you want to talk, just send me a message and I'll call you back when I get a free moment." [edit to suit your style and phone policies at work]

 

I know that might seem too explicit for some people, but in my experience, sometimes these things just need to be out in the open.

[Banker Chick]

Oh, I was very clear about how my time is incredibly limited. I work 12-14 hour days during the week, and she knows how far away I am. But I would certainly welcome any conversation from her even if I was completely exhausted...it's actually a really welcome change from the day-to-day and it'd be something I looked forward to...

This would be HUGE for me. I am an assertive person at work but in relationships I tend to not want to "bother" people. As long as you were texting me, I doubt I would rarely initiate and this would have absolutely nothing to do with my interest level. However, if you stopped, I would probably eventually reach out because I would wonder what happened.

 

She probably has no idea (unless I misunderstood your post above) that you would welcome and even look forward to a text from her. I'd just make sure she knows this. You can bring it up jokingly or just be flat out honest with her. Once she's assured it isn't a "bother", you'll probably see a change.

[kiss_andmakeup]

I'm guilty of being like that in the early stages of dating. It's not because I'm some lazy princess who expects the guy to do all of the work...it's because I'm truly a bit shy when getting to know someone, especially if I really like them. And I would be insecure that they would think I was desperate, needy, whatever. So I would always wait for the guy to initiate contact.

 

It's also been 3 years since I was single; I was only 20 then, so maturity (or lack thereof) may have been a part of it.

[threebyfate]

I was trying to make a distinction between what I feel is two different aspects of assertiveness. "Thinking" assertively (internal) and "acting" or "looking" assertive (external). Some people might have a very passive mindset, like Darren said, but fake assertiveness; while others think assertively but don't act or don't feel like they need to act on those thoughts.

 

When I stopped to think about it and type it out to you, it made less sense to me than when I first conceived the notion...

Straight up, I'm assertive both ways. Just ask hubby, family, RL friends, past employers/employees and current clients!

 

But...

 

When it comes to the dating period prior to a relationship, I leave it up the guy to do the contacting. Can't decide if this is completely nurture or not. If a guy doesn't continue to contact, even if I was initially attracted, my interest level wanes. If he needs me to contact him back equally, my interest level wanes. And two dates in a month would spell backburner to me.

 

Unfair? Probably if you're looking for one to one, action to action. But I suspect I'm not the only woman who is like this, where the woman you're dating might be similar. And if she's similar, once you get into a relationship, she'll reciprocate.

 

Didn't realize that fishtaco's situation included waiting for his woman to contact him which would change my initial advice to him since it shifts the perspective of his situation a bit.

 

I dunno you guys. Dating is finding someone who's compatible. If you guys are looking for someone to be equal in every way, it's going to take longer to find her.

 

The good news is that the twenty-something generation of women appear to be more aggressive and will openly pursue men to date. The question is, are you both comfortable being pursued? And the answer usually is...only if you're attracted to her...

[grecian]

You haven't had many dates with her yet. It may too early for her to start initiating communication. If you are really interested in her you have to keep initiating. It may be a way for her to tell if you are really serious about it or not. If you give up so easily then you're not really into her. I would say give her some time. After a few more dates, if she still doesn't initiate anything then i guess it would be a good idea to let it go.

[Isolde]

I would definitely try not to let this bother you at this point.

 

Some girls are just a little nervous about these first several dates because sometimes guys do fade.

[oaks]

As the topic says, when you're just starting to date someone, do you ever find that your interest begins to wane because they never initiate any sort of contact with you between dates...?

 

Yes, absolutely. Then I wonder if she's really interested.

[snug.bunny]

If they NEVER initiated contact, I would wonder why at which point I would ask and try to approach it the way some of the other posters suggested.

 

My prior relationships occurred when the man took the lead and I remained completely passive and reciprocated his advances. I'm not opposed to taking some of the lead and making advances, but based on past experience when I did, things did not progress past dating because the man didn't reciprocate a further interest except for the occasional hanging out/dates and/or general contact.

 

I'm not sure how the dates have been but it seems you want her to demonstrate more of an interest in you in-between dates. Both of you may have different ways in which you both express yourselves and your interest in one another - maybe you prefer to communicate more via text/IM, versus spending time together in person due to work/time/distance constraints, so it may simply boil down to incompatibility. I wonder though if your decline in interest at this stage based on her non-contact in-between dates, is symptomatic of something else, or maybe you just have certain expectations at this stage, which you may want to further explore.

Edited March 25, 2011 by snug.bunny

[Eternal Sunshine]

I initiate some communication in the early stages....but usually not much. When I do, it's mostly along the lines if I have a specific question about our plans etc.

 

A few times, I have been giddy after a great date and sent a "I had great time" text..and it didn't seem to turn the guys off.

 

When I was younger, I used to NEVER initiate communication when dating. I was actually dumped by a guy after 2 months because I never called/texted him. He said "I want a girlfriend that will actually call me sometimes".

 

More recently, I have been given hints such as "Any contact from you is welcome so please feel free to call/text/e-mail" - maybe you could try that?

 

It is weird, but the more I like the guy - the more nervous I get about initiating. Not saying that this girl is like me.

[USMCHokie]

I initiate some communication in the early stages....but usually not much. When I do, it's mostly along the lines if I have a specific question about our plans etc.

 

Well, amazingly enough, earlier tonight she actually did initiate contact for the first time via IM...but it was for the purpose of discussing our date on Saturday...she asked if we could extend it by meeting earlier in the day since she was free...so I guess I have no doubts about her interest...

 

I guess I'll just have to see how things go...maybe I'm being a little hasty with my concerns...

 

When I was younger, I used to NEVER initiate communication when dating. I was actually dumped by a guy after 2 months because I never called/texted him. He said "I want a girlfriend that will actually call me sometimes".

 

Yea, this is exactly what I was thinking...

 

More recently, I have been given hints such as "Any contact from you is welcome so please feel free to call/text/e-mail" - maybe you could try that?

 

I might try something a little more subtle...we'll see...

[USMCHokie]

You haven't had many dates with her yet. It may too early for her to start initiating communication. If you are really interested in her you have to keep initiating. It may be a way for her to tell if you are really serious about it or not. If you give up so easily then you're not really into her. I would say give her some time. After a few more dates, if she still doesn't initiate anything then i guess it would be a good idea to let it go.

 

I would definitely try not to let this bother you at this point.

 

Some girls are just a little nervous about these first several dates because sometimes guys do fade.

 

Yea, maybe you're all right...maybe jumpin' the gun a little bit...

[USMCHokie]

Straight up, I'm assertive both ways. Just ask hubby, family, RL friends, past employers/employees and current clients!

 

Hahah, I totally believe you.

 

When it comes to the dating period prior to a relationship, I leave it up the guy to do the contacting. Can't decide if this is completely nurture or not. If a guy doesn't continue to contact, even if I was initially attracted, my interest level wanes. If he needs me to contact him back equally, my interest level wanes.

 

I don't necessarily need her to contact me equally, but I'd like to get some sort of contact sometimes...I just used the 1-to-1 balance as a guide for how much I contact her...but I see what you're saying...

 

And two dates in a month would spell backburner to me.

 

I totally understand this...and this was one of my concerns when I first reactivated my OKC account...I kind of knew that I wouldn't have a lot of time to date, so I didn't really actively use the site. She messaged me out of the blue, and when I met her, she was pretty awesome...so I wish I could spend more time with her and go on more dates, but it's a tough spot...

 

The good news is that the twenty-something generation of women appear to be more aggressive and will openly pursue men to date. The question is, are you both comfortable being pursued? And the answer usually is...only if you're attracted to her...

 

It's interesting you say this...because I've noticed that in the past, the women have often taken a pretty active role in the relationship...it was probably because I was still very meek and timid when it came to dating, since I just didn't have much experience...

 

So I'm trying to take a more active and assertive role in dating...

[spiderowl]

I don't think it would be usual if two people are interested in each other. She has been on dates with you so that suggests she has some interest. My suspicion is she likes you but is not sure about romance and getting further involved, hence not initiating anything. If she never responds positively and you feel there is no ongoing natural interaction, then something's up. I'd ask her where she stands rather than pursuing this too much, she could be shy and wondering if you are interested enough too.