"It did not mean anything" - Is that a good thing?

[jj33]

HE was more important to HIMSELF than I was.

 

Thats it in a nutshell isnt it. People can argue whether "it was nothing" is true but either way its irrelevant. The WS values their needs over the needs of their spouse.

 

The actual words spoken, the permutations on the "throwing under the bus" are inconsequential. The mere act of cheating is a way of saying Im doing what I want or need to do for me and I am not taking you needs into account in making this decision (or maybe they think cheating is better than divorcin so they are doing the BS a favor, Ive heard that too...).

 

When they stay it may be because they value their lifestyle or their assets or children something else but anyone who buys "it was nothing" is sticking their head in the sand. That may be the best choice (being an ostrich) for some people in some situations but noone chooses infidelity for "nothing".

 

Why they do it will vary from person to person and with who they cheat may not be meaningful in all situations but its never "nothing".

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Thats it in a nutshell isnt it. People can argue whether "it was nothing" is true but either way its irrelevant. The WS values their needs over the needs of their spouse.

 

The actual words spoken, the permutations on the "throwing under the bus" are inconsequential. The mere act of cheating is a way of saying Im doing what I want or need to do for me and I am not taking you needs into account in making this decision (or maybe they think cheating is better than divorcin so they are doing the BS a favor, Ive heard that too...).

 

When they stay it may be because they value their lifestyle or their assets or children something else but anyone who buys "it was nothing" is sticking their head in the sand. That may be the best choice (being an ostrich) for some people in some situations but noone chooses infidelity for "nothing".

 

Why they do it will vary from person to person and with who they cheat may not be meaningful in all situations but its never "nothing".

 

Okay but if it was "something" why wouldn't they be gone? Why not be with the person who you engaged in the affair with on D-Day?

 

Obviously if an AP knew they had this "selfishness" character flaw in them...why would it be so hard for them to think he's making a selfish decision to stay with his wife and family? Maybe it whats best for him and her! Maybe they really do love,respect and attract each other mutually enough to want to work it out. I don't see whats being an ostrich about that!

 

Bottom line is simple. If the couple has learned from what has happened and commit to ensuring that it won't happen again, only they can figure that out. But to point blank say..he's selfish and only cares about himself..ok yes in some ways sure..but can it be worked trough? For sure! Only the married couple can answer what it will take for the bonds of trust to be fully restored and take it from there.

[whichwayisup]

I

read it here and I read it on other internet fora. The WS ends the A, reconciles with the BS and says the A and the AP did not mean anything. Which seems to comfort and reassure the BS.

 

I don't buy it. OK, maybe it did not mean anything. But As often last months, years, promises are made, love is declared. Which still does not mean that it actually meant something but in that case it would mean that a lot of time and energy went into something which had no value. In the worst case, that means that the WS was completely fake with the AP.

 

Chances are it did mean something..At that time, during the A but when pushed and a choice had to be made, it wasn't enough (feelings weren't strong enough, and feelings based on IN affair setting and dynamic, not enough glue to hold AP and WS together for him/her to leave their BS) and those in the moment feelings are easy to let go of when it comes to the bigger picture (family, kids, house, life overall) of what could be lost.

[jj33]

Okay but if it was "something" why wouldn't they be gone? Why not be with the person who you engaged in the affair with on D-Day?

 

I was trying to be polite in my thread and respectful of the fact that this is the infidelity board and could be read by people in pain. However since you asked, there could be loads of reasons. Sometimes the "something rather than nothing" is love for the OP but other times its selfish reasons on the part of the WS (financial comforts of being married and being able to cheat caring for children etc).

 

Obviously if an AP knew they had this "selfishness" character flaw in them...why would it be so hard for them to think he's making a selfish decision to stay with his wife and family? Maybe it whats best for him and her! Maybe they really do love,respect and attract each other mutually enough to want to work it out. I don't see whats being an ostrich about that!

 

If that is the case its not being an ostrich but then there is an acknowledgement of the fact that "SOMETHING" caused the affair. That was my point when I said it was never nothing that causes people to cheat. But in many cases "working it out" means cohabitating and continuing the marriage but never really fixing the problems that existed.

 

Bottom line is simple. If the couple has learned from what has happened and commit to ensuring that it won't happen again, only they can figure that out. But to point blank say..he's selfish and only cares about himself..ok yes in some ways sure..but can it be worked trough? For sure! Only the married couple can answer what it will take for the bonds of trust to be fully restored and take it from there.

 

I agree with the last bolded portion but accepting "it was nothing" is never the right answer. It was not nothing that caused someone to cheat regardless of whether the OP was special to the WS.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I agree with the last bolded portion but accepting "it was nothing" is never the right answer. It was not nothing that caused someone to cheat regardless of whether the OP was special to the WS.

 

Which is then the couples problem to work on...including the issues within the relationship prior to the affair...and not just because of the affair itself! The affair is a definate reaction to relationship issues..not always because there was something so extravacant about the AP themselves..but just a temporary get away from the everyday grind of work and homelife.

Everyone has different situations and relationships..and to sum it all up as the BS chalking it up as to "it was nothing" is kind of silly. I don't think any BS's who have reconciled on this forum would accept or agree with their WS that the affair was "nothing". We were fooled once..but we sure as hell won't be fooled again.

[Flgirl44]

"It didn't mean anything to me"

...... So let me get the facts straight, you compromised the relationship over nothing? You chose someone that means nothing as greater than the value of your relationship. Relationship < meaningless fleeting sex. Got it. D-bag confirmed. Target locked.