Need unbiased thoughts

[trippi1432]

What made us incompatible wasn't these things because they really carried little impact on our life together, what did was that i didn't want exactly the same things she wanted, didn't follow the same career path or like all the same things. .... THAT NEVER HAPPENS! There will always be things for you both together and places where you differ. Marriage is all about finding that place in the middle.

 

 

Now that is honest!! And probably the most TRUE statement I have seen on these boards in the two years I have have been on them. It does take two to do that...meet in the middle. Sometimes it just takes turning the other cheek when he wants to settle in that chair with the remote..it's him....and who he is. You are the planning person...the one who wants the house in order...I wonder if he doesn't turn the other cheek as well. Just a thought.

[Lions89]

Sorry I've been a bit MIA and haven't been able to devote a ton of time here outside of reading everyone's posts and considering everyone's opinions and advice.

 

Tojaz, it looks like you really had your work cut out for you! Thank you so much for taking all that time to address not just my thoughts, but others as well.

 

...but if hes not actively trying to stop you from pursuing these interests, I would say that he would have just as much right to not enjoy them.

 

Absolutely. Very wise words to consider.

 

What made us incompatible wasn't these things because they really carried little impact on our life together, what did was that i didn't want exactly the same things she wanted, didn't follow the same career path or like all the same things. .... THAT NEVER HAPPENS! There will always be things for you both together and places where you differ. Marriage is all about finding that place in the middle. If his idea of fixing up the house is contractors and writing a check and yours is Elbow grease and paint on your clothes, the end product is till the same, so long as his hiring out isn't impacting you both negatively financially let him do his part his way and your part yours. This sort of thinking applies to a lot more then just working around the house!!!

 

TOJAZ

 

Absolutely, again! Not to get too much into nitty gritty details, but yeah, writing a check does impact me when I'm trying to pay the bills and we don't have the funds to cover them. But that's neither here nor there, since as you said, this applies to much more than that.

 

These differences are really where I need to determine what I can live with and what I can't, where compromises can be made and where they can't, what's a deal-breaker and what isn't.

[Lions89]

You are the planning person...the one who wants the house in order...I wonder if he doesn't turn the other cheek as well. Just a thought.

 

Heh heh...he's often "yelling" at me (I put that in quotes because it's not anywhere near yelling, just don't know another word to use for it) to settle down and just relax, instead of constantly getting up and doing things while we're watching TV together.

[trippi1432]

Heh heh...he's often "yelling" at me (I put that in quotes because it's not anywhere near yelling, just don't know another word to use for it) to settle down and just relax, instead of constantly getting up and doing things while we're watching TV together.

 

 

It's called agitation hun...and yes...after 15 years..I get it....and unfortunately...I inherited it where I didn't have it before.

 

I will tell ya...my step-mother is like this...constantly on the move...you can't even get the gist of what the movie was about..and my dad..he is the laid back guy who just wants to enjoy the movie. Heck, I love her and she even drives me nuts most times. But it's her....and my dad loves her and accepts her as she is....and as much as my dad annoys the crap out of her...she loves him and would have no one else in her life. She is his....and he is hers.

 

It's not yelling..it's the perception of knowing when he is aggravated...perhaps even feeling like he is disappointed in a way perhaps? From what I am reading from this..you aren't doing anything wrong...he is just more laid back than you are...and you are more thinking ahead...that is NOT incompatibility...if you both would untwist your thinking....it would be called balance.

[Lions89]

It's not yelling..it's the perception of knowing when he is aggravated...perhaps even feeling like he is disappointed in a way perhaps? From what I am reading from this..you aren't doing anything wrong...he is just more laid back than you are...and you are more thinking ahead...that is NOT incompatibility...if you both would untwist your thinking....it would be called balance.

 

I hear you. This is but one piece of a very large puzzle, but I hear you.

[trippi1432]

I hear you. This is but one piece of a very large puzzle, but I hear you.

 

 

Well..this is where my exH and I were..the immediate future..chores around the house...we didn't agree all the time. Hell, who would?? But one of us was thinking...be it you or him..to the future. Where you would be...will you be happy? Those are very valid insights...Life changes us, over time.

 

The very large piece of this puzzle Lions really comes down to where he fits into your life and where you fit into his..it's where you choose to continue to share it....and don't forget..it's where he chooses to share it as well.

 

In the end..it was that agitation...I know this now from years of therapy..it really comes down to your internal wiring..you are either equipped for the agitation and drama or you aren't...you can either make it yours or you don't...it's truly up to the decision you make for you. If I had to do it all over again... i just know.

Edited March 16, 2011 by trippi1432

[trippi1432]

In a perfect world, absolutely, but rarely is our world perfect! Unfortunately the time of life long commitments being the norm is slipping away and there is very little to be gained in questioning each others value of commitment on a divorce forum.

 

It applies to dating, which is a courtship while one decides if they would like to make a commitment, So what is seperation? A period of time when one decides if they will continue a commitment.

 

Whoa...is that biased? Dating and separation have no similarities unless there was commitment to begin with. I would have to agree...if one finds themselves on a divorce forum...well, they are either asking how to stop it or start it. Separation and dating have no correlation unless if it's considered a breakup...move that stuff over to the dating forum.

[tojaz]

In a perfect world, absolutely, but rarely is our world perfect! Unfortunately the time of life long commitments being the norm is slipping away and there is very little to be gained in questioning each others value of commitment on a divorce forum.

 

It applies to dating, which is a courtship while one decides if they would like to make a commitment, So what is seperation? A period of time when one decides if they will continue a commitment.

 

Whoa...is that biased? Dating and separation have no similarities unless there was commitment to begin with. I would have to agree...if one finds themselves on a divorce forum...well, they are either asking how to stop it or start it. Separation and dating have no correlation unless if it's considered a breakup...move that stuff over to the dating forum.

 

Biased toward whom?

[WorldIsYours]

Yep never said anything about a third party or another love interest, just a better situation.

 

You did mention it.

 

Ours is not to judge. Her reasons are her own, we can comment on them, offer advice and our own opinions. She has every right to divorce on any reasoning she so chooses. If she doesn't like his pic on american idol and wants to divorce him because of it, we cannot stop her. I actually think that Lions posts have been quite well thought out and sense a great deal of stress in her as the thread has progressed. She has stated that they have been working out their issues in several types of counseling for years, I would imagine some of her desires would have come up!

 

Ours is to judge. It's what this site is for, and she asked for it.

 

How many of my posts have you read??? Which side of that line was I on in my own divorce? I can think of nothing more neutral then an anonymous forum. I have no interest in weather or not a person I never, nor probably will ever meet remains married or leaves another person I do not know. I write my replies to the person who posted. Side note on neutrality, I was a left behind spouse.

 

There's nothing neutral in life.

 

Mr. Lions does not appear to be with us today, so I do not have access to his perspective.

 

But what if he was here?

 

I'm not in the attacking business, I find it a waste of time to roam about and accuse people with marital trouble of immaturity and possessing some sort of syndrome to blame for their unhappiness in their marriage.

 

It's not an attacking business because one calls out a person's flaws.

 

What i wrote there has been repeated many times on this forum long before you joined up and will post it again long after you bore and move on.

 

Same for you and your style of advice.

 

Although it would appear that I did agree with your view, just chose to do so in a less then accusatory tone.

 

You only see it as accusatory because your style differs from mine.

 

Choosing to allow the OP to tell the story rather then allow you to assign it to her.

 

How am I stopping her? And no one's "assigning" her story to her. I don't go around validating everyone's posts all the time like you, no offense.

 

She listened, and even replied. She has just chosen not to agree.

 

Okay......

 

In a perfect world, absolutely, but rarely is our world perfect! Unfortunately the time of life long commitments being the norm is slipping away and there is very little to be gained in questioning each others value of commitment on a divorce forum.

 

And very little is gained in just blindly validating people's actions on a divorce forum, especially when they clearly show they're doing wrong.

 

GIGS.

[Lions89]

I've been in both worlds...both grandparents kept their marriages...one set, I never knew long enough to know whether they were happy or not (but I suspect that grandmother was a lot like I am)...the other set, always argued, rarely seemed happy together, but that's where we all gathered practically every holiday, and most of our (the "kids" - siblings and cousins) memories remain. And happy memories, at least for us kids. What we choose to remember, what we choose to forget.

 

But my brother and I were around that much more than our cousins were. We saw the unhappiness. But they never divorced. Both my husband and I come from divorced families. So we've also seen that side.

 

I could stay, be miserable, and 100% stay committed to the vows like my grandparents were (and I really take those vows seriously, or I would've been gone a long time ago, but I also believe my parents took those vows seriously as well...we're not of the "divorce is an easy solution" variety). Or, we both could learn how to not make each other miserable, stay together, and make a much better life together. Or, we could both go, be happy, and make other people happy.

 

Bottom line...yes, I'm trying to figure out if the grass might possibly be greener on the other side...and that "other side" isn't even defined, other than not with my husband. Would I be happier alone? Would I be happier with someone who brings similar things to the table? Would I be happier with someone who brings completely different things to the table? This is what I need to determine...not by actually seeing if the grass is greener, but by taking all of the facts into account and assuming one way or the other whether the grass is greener. (I won't know what someone else can bring to the table, which is why I say that.)

 

Alright, that's enough long paragraphs!

[willowthewisp]

I've been in both worlds...both grandparents kept their marriages...one set, I never knew long enough to know whether they were happy or not (but I suspect that grandmother was a lot like I am)...the other set, always argued, rarely seemed happy together, but that's where we all gathered practically every holiday, and most of our (the "kids" - siblings and cousins) memories remain. And happy memories, at least for us kids. What we choose to remember, what we choose to forget.

 

But my brother and I were around that much more than our cousins were. We saw the unhappiness. But they never divorced. Both my husband and I come from divorced families. So we've also seen that side.

 

I could stay, be miserable, and 100% stay committed to the vows like my grandparents were (and I really take those vows seriously, or I would've been gone a long time ago, but I also believe my parents took those vows seriously as well...we're not of the "divorce is an easy solution" variety). Or, we both could learn how to not make each other miserable, stay together, and make a much better life together. Or, we could both go, be happy, and make other people happy.

 

Bottom line...yes, I'm trying to figure out if the grass might possibly be greener on the other side...and that "other side" isn't even defined, other than not with my husband. Would I be happier alone? Would I be happier with someone who brings similar things to the table? Would I be happier with someone who brings completely different things to the table? This is what I need to determine...not by actually seeing if the grass is greener, but by taking all of the facts into account and assuming one way or the other whether the grass is greener. (I won't know what someone else can bring to the table, which is why I say that.)

 

Alright, that's enough long paragraphs!

 

Or, we could both go, be miserable and make other people miserable. The problem is not your husband, or your relationship, if it were you would not have married in the first place. No one and no realtionship is perfect, people change and it is the ability to take the foundation you have built together and adapt to these changes that create a continuing, strong and happy relationship. If you leave, the probelm will still exisit, because you have not learnt how to have a realtionship that endures, it will simply be a case of, you meet someone else, things are great for a while, then life changes occur again and you will be in the same position you are now.

 

It's up to you, you can either accept that no two people are completely compatible all the time because we are all unique and start valuing that uniqueness and valuing the years and time and effort you have both already invested or you can leave and repeat all over again.

 

I generally try not to post on leavers threads because I find that they aren't really interested in another perspective, that 9 times out of ten they are only here looking for people to tell them they are doing the right thing leaving and helping them not to feel guilty about it. I get the sense you are in the 1% who are genuinely trying to make their marriage work?

Edited March 17, 2011 by willowthewisp

[Lions89]

Or, we could both go, be miserable and make other people miserable.

 

Very true.

 

There are no guarantees to any of this...once a decision is made, there's no turning back, and there's no way to know if an alternate decision would've been better. That's why I really want to be as sure as I can be, with as much information as possible.

 

Yes, I am trying to make this work. I want to be happy together.

 

You know, I was trying to leave this piece out of it, as I didn't think it mattered, but now I wonder if it does, and am curious to hear feedback with this information. (At least I don't recall mentioning it before, but maybe I did.) One of our biggest "incompatibility" issues is sex. I have a very strong sex drive, and he has little to none. This is why we first started therapy. Little to no sex for the rest of my life is a big deal and I think the biggest thing I need to decide if I can accept.

 

I've felt that a lot of the little things seem bigger, or add on top of each other, because of lack of sexual satisfaction. He is planning on going for testosterone therapy (his levels are really low)...so part of what I need to figure out is what I can accept, assuming the sex life is no longer an issue. And if it is an issue, can I accept that as well.

[tojaz]

And very little is gained in just blindly validating people's actions on a divorce forum, especially when they clearly show they're doing wrong.

 

Well I think it is fair to say that I am far from blind to the dynamics of marriage and divorce. Thats why its called advice, opinion, and not law. Live comfortable in the fact that my posts are intended for the OP and her alone, this is her thread after all.

 

Sorry I've been a bit MIA and haven't been able to devote a ton of time here outside of reading everyone's posts and considering everyone's opinions and advice.

 

Tojaz, it looks like you really had your work cut out for you! Thank you so much for taking all that time to address not just my thoughts, but others as well.

 

 

 

Absolutely. Very wise words to consider.

 

 

 

Absolutely, again! Not to get too much into nitty gritty details, but yeah, writing a check does impact me when I'm trying to pay the bills and we don't have the funds to cover them. But that's neither here nor there, since as you said, this applies to much more than that.

 

These differences are really where I need to determine what I can live with and what I can't, where compromises can be made and where they can't, what's a deal-breaker and what isn't.

 

Yes these are things to consider, and also it is important to look at what it truly is that troubles you about him, or if it is even him at all. Not always, but often it can be found that what we blame others for was within our control all along. I don't mean that to sound as accusatory as it does, its just a different way of looking at things.

 

TOJAZ

[Lions89]

Yes these are things to consider, and also it is important to look at what it truly is that troubles you about him, or if it is even him at all. Not always, but often it can be found that what we blame others for was within our control all along. I don't mean that to sound as accusatory as it does, its just a different way of looking at things.

 

TOJAZ

 

Pretty much what our therapist said yesterday, and I agree. If it's not him not taking out the trash, it could very easily be him leaving dirty socks laying around. It's not his behavior, it's what's within me.

[tojaz]

Pretty much what our therapist said yesterday, and I agree. If it's not him not taking out the trash, it could very easily be him leaving dirty socks laying around. It's not his behavior, it's what's within me.

 

This is the reason I dislike the idea of separation most of the time. What is not resolved in your marriage when it ends will be carried on to the next one. Getting away does remove the pressure and the stress your currently under, but it does nothing for the root cause. A person shifts out, gets the feeling that this burden has been lifted just by out of sight out of mind and goes ahead with divorce based on that........ until another stressor takes its place.

 

TOJAZ