Losing Faith Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 I am curious to know what other people think about this After dating someone exclusively for a while, and things are going well, is it wrong to want my S.O. to become my best/closest friends and vise-versa? And when I say best friend… I’m not saying to be together 24/7 or to not have other friends. But I am saying that you start becoming each other’s confidant, and start turning to each other for their opinion on issues/topic, and that everything you do is an open door to your S.O. (Now don’t go to extremes…I’m saying to invite your girl to a bachelor party… but that your S.O. should feel welcome to be able to join you all the time) Is that a realistic expectation?
somedude81 Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 Isn't that the way it's supposed to be? I've heard many people say their spouse is their best friend.
Stung Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 I think it's not only a realistic expectation, IMO it's a prerequisite for a really serious and fulfilling relationship. My husband and I are definitely best friends.
Author Losing Faith Posted March 4, 2011 Author Posted March 4, 2011 That's what I like to think too. So if my guy wants his buddy to remain his best friend....there's probably some underline problem or it's his way of saying he's not seeing this as a long term relationship?
xpaperxcutx Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 Isn't that the way it's supposed to be? I've heard many people say their spouse is their best friend. I think it's not only a realistic expectation, IMO it's a prerequisite for a really serious and fulfilling relationship. My husband and I are definitely best friends. And only couples that have been married seemed to have this " requirement". No, I don't think it's wrong to want your boyfriend to be your best friend, but I sincerely doubt it's an issue that you have to force your SO's hand to agree to.
Stung Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 And only couples that have been married seemed to have this " requirement". No, I don't think it's wrong to want your boyfriend to be your best friend, but I sincerely doubt it's an issue that you have to force your SO's hand to agree to. I'm not sure I'm entirely understanding this. Obviously you shouldn't have to force someone to be your best friend, that's not how genuine friendships/relationships evolve. I have considered previous serious boyfriends to be my best friends at the time that I was with them, which was part of what made the breakups so difficult.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 I'm not sure I'm entirely understanding this. Obviously you shouldn't have to force someone to be your best friend, that's not how genuine friendships/relationships evolve. I have considered previous serious boyfriends to be my best friends at the time that I was with them, which was part of what made the breakups so difficult. The previous posters before me used marriage and spouses for a reason why women and men in relationships are best friends, however, it seems it's only thus because they're married. The OP is not. Like I'd said, I don't think it's a necessity for a couple to be best friends, but it does mean the relationship has grown to a point where you can literally be each other's confidante. From what I'm gathering, the OP seems adamant about wanting to best friends. I don't think it's something you force because you want it to happen. I would think a BFF status happens because it " naturally" grew into that position.
czen Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 That's what I like to think too. So if my guy wants his buddy to remain his best friend....there's probably some underline problem or it's his way of saying he's not seeing this as a long term relationship? Umm...no, neither of those. I can imagine that a guy wants to hang out with his guy friends too, probably because his interaction with them is a bit different than he has with you. He probably loves being with you, but he just also wants to spend some time with "the guys". My girlfriend would also be my best friend, but there would be times that I just would want to hang out with my male friends as it's a bit different if you're girlfriend is there, when you're hanging around with them. That doesn't mean that she's not my best friend, that just means that I also want to spend some quality time with other people who mean a lot to me.
Star_Bright Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 That's what I like to think too. So if my guy wants his buddy to remain his best friend....there's probably some underline problem or it's his way of saying he's not seeing this as a long term relationship? What?! No! Don't make your guy give up his best friend to stay in a relationship. Same-sex best friends are very important! It is unhealthy to give up friends for a relationship. Don't ask him to do that. Why would you want to?! Is there something about his best friend you don't approve of, or do you just want him to replace someone he's probably known for a very long time with you and only you?
Author Losing Faith Posted March 4, 2011 Author Posted March 4, 2011 Czen has the idea. It's not that I am trying to "force" us to be BFF's... I was just curious to know that that is a normal expectation or not. But what Czen was saying about wanting to hang w/ the boys doesn't mean his girl isn't still his confidant makes sense. Thats kind of what I was looking for.
Author Losing Faith Posted March 4, 2011 Author Posted March 4, 2011 (edited) What?! No! Don't make your guy give up his best friend to stay in a relationship. Same-sex best friends are very important! It is unhealthy to give up friends for a relationship. Don't ask him to do that. Why would you want to?! Is there something about his best friend you don't approve of, or do you just want him to replace someone he's probably known for a very long time with you and only you? Star_Bright.... I don't want him to give his guy buddies up, I agree with you, I think it is very important for him to have those. I want him to have those. Maybe I just wish they were better guys. But I think you hit the nail on the head with if there was something I don't approve of w/ his BF. He drinks heavily when out w/ this guy and has betrayed me when out w/ his BFF. My guy can't be trusted when out with his BFF. Edited March 4, 2011 by Losing Faith
Stung Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 The previous posters before me used marriage and spouses for a reason why women and men in relationships are best friends, however, it seems it's only thus because they're married. The OP is not. Like I'd said, I don't think it's a necessity for a couple to be best friends, but it does mean the relationship has grown to a point where you can literally be each other's confidante. From what I'm gathering, the OP seems adamant about wanting to best friends. I don't think it's something you force because you want it to happen. I would think a BFF status happens because it " naturally" grew into that position. I know, I was one of those previous posters. I used my marriage as an example simply because I am married to my best friend. Perhaps I should have fleshed that out to say that ALL of my serious, longterm relationships were with men I considered to be my best friends at the time, which is why I said I consider it a prerequisite for a serious and fulfilling relationship. Nothing to do with casually dating couples, but definitely not necessarily confined to marriage. In total agreement that you can never force anyone into intimacy. That's what I like to think too. So if my guy wants his buddy to remain his best friend....there's probably some underline problem or it's his way of saying he's not seeing this as a long term relationship? The definition given in the OP of 'best friend' doesn't include pushing other friends away and quashing their importance. I call my husband my best friend & confidante--and to be clear here, he was that long before he was ever my husband--but I still am also best friends with my best friends from years before I ever met him. It's possible you're quibbling over semantics, here, and jeopardizing a good relationship over the semantics of a title seems silly, doesn't it?
lenny Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 I think the term "best friend" could be defined in lots of different ways that doesn't necessarily define the bond between couples. With my guy, we share how our day went, we seeks each other's opinions, and I'd go to him if I was having a bad day. If we were to break up however I doubt I'd talk to him much. A previous boyfriend I had, we developed a friendship when we tried the dating thing for a while. The dating didn't work. To this day though, we would share how our day went, seek each other's opinions and talk to him if I was having a bad day. Because I am committed to someone I'm not talking to my friend at all right now but even if 20 years went by without contact I have no doubts our friendship would continue like it never stopped. I would say my guy right now isn't what I would define as a friend. The bf from the past, I would.
Jynxx Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 These kind of things are never "right" or "wrong". Just go with whatever you both feel comfortable with. That said, anything that results in cutting into each others social live is in most cases a bad idea.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 My experience has been that all of my serious relationships have been with people I was friends with before we got intimate...and after we were intimate. Personally I think it's odd for people to be intimate sexually who are not friends. Now as for being your best friend. That should just happen over time. In particular if you start living together, paying bills with eachother, buying real estate... hell if the person you do that with isn't truly your best friend something's wrong. IMHO. As Dr. Laura once said to a woman who had a best man...her best friend...instead of a maid of honor "You should be marrying the actual best man not the second best man." One of the few things she ever said that is really true.
Cee Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 I think it's fine for an SO to be your best friend. I think it's unhealthy for an SO to be your only friend. I have noticed a lot of people after a breakup talk about how they have no friends anymore.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 Yeah that could be the case because they and their SO all had mutual friends... and the break up was in a way which was rotten to the SO. You know because they cheated or something.
mtber75 Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 (edited) I think it's not only a realistic expectation, IMO it's a prerequisite for a really serious and fulfilling relationship. My husband and I are definitely best friends. Why would I want to date or marry my best friend? That seems too clingy to me! You guys will be around each other frequently as a couple so you would need to hang out with some of your best friends on occasion to relieve the pressures. Edited March 4, 2011 by mtber75 typo
Star_Bright Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 Star_Bright.... I don't want him to give his guy buddies up, I agree with you, I think it is very important for him to have those. I want him to have those. Maybe I just wish they were better guys. But I think you hit the nail on the head with if there was something I don't approve of w/ his BF. He drinks heavily when out w/ this guy and has betrayed me when out w/ his BFF. My guy can't be trusted when out with his BFF. OMG... he's betrayed you, as in, cheated on you?! Time to get rid of this guy as your boyfriend, not make him your best friend! Your problem isn't your boyfriend's best friend, your problem is your boyfriend! He chose to betray you out of his own free will... no one made him do that.
Stung Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 Why would I want to date or marry my best friend? That seems too clingy to me! You guys will be around each other frequently as a couple so you would need to hang out with some of your best friends on occasion to relieve the pressures. You might want to note where I also said I was still friends with all the same friends I had before I met him, AND where the importance of maintaining other friendships was specifically cited right in the opening post. Why would you want to spend a lot of time as a couple with, or marry, someone you didn't regard as one of your best friends? I think a lot of people are just arguing semantics here with regards to the 'best'.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 OMG... he's betrayed you, as in, cheated on you?! Time to get rid of this guy as your boyfriend, not make him your best friend! Your problem isn't your boyfriend's best friend, your problem is your boyfriend! He chose to betray you out of his own free will... no one made him do that. Depends on what she means by betrayed. She may not be talking about cheating on her with anyone. She could mean his drinking when he said he would not... or his telling things that she thought were just between them.
Star_Bright Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 Depends on what she means by betrayed. She may not be talking about cheating on her with anyone. She could mean his drinking when he said he would not... or his telling things that she thought were just between them. Even so, these are her boyfriend's choices, not those of his best friend. He chooses to do them and separating him from his best friend probably won't help... he is going to do what he is going to do.
Woggle Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 No it is not wrong. My wife is certainly my best friend. There is certainly sexual passion but we have a ball when we get together as well. Things like going to the supermarket and laughing at certain items is enjoyable to her.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 I think it's fine for an SO to be your best friend. I think it's unhealthy for an SO to be your only friend. I have noticed a lot of people after a breakup talk about how they have no friends anymore. Agreed! I think one of the biggest mistakes people make in relationships is forming a codependency by not having any social life or support system outside the relationship. And yes, I would want my man to be my best friend, and I think it's a reasonable expectation. If it's not that way, I'd rather not waste my time.
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