Living with an invalid ex

[marlena]

Can you live with a relationship that isn't open? When someone conceals aspects of themselves from their partner, how do you propose to get close to them enough to pull down your own wall of distrust? Trust isn't built on secrets.

 

He opens up in his own good time. Which is as it should be. You can't pry personal information out of someone. He has to be ready to communicate. I have known this person since my teens. He was a good friend many years ago before he moved abroad.

 

The problem is his drinking. His getting wasted. .He always had a problem with alcohol but now, so many years later, it has escalated.

 

The relationship was perfect in every other way. The days when he managed to stay sober that is.

[marlena]

As for your boyfriend - ten years? He was getting some - just because a person is a wheelchair user doesn't make them any less sexual than anyone else. Either that or he gets off on dominating someone, perceived or otherwise. Maybe that's why her family wanted to her to get away from him.

 

I totally agree. I also think the relationship was more than just a friendly arrangement.

 

No, he is not at all the domineering kind.

[marlena]

Update:

 

Thanks everybody for all the good advice. I weighed things and decided that for the time being I will stay for the simple reason that he has so many other redeeming qualities. We'll see if we can conquer this together. If not, you'll most definitely see me on the Breaking Up forum!

Edited March 6, 2011 by marlena

[Ariadne]

Update:

 

Thanks everybody for all the good advice. I weighed things and decided that for the time being I will stay for the simple reason that he has so many other redeeming qualities. We'll see if we can conquer this together. If not, you'll most definitely see me on the Breaking Up forum!

 

Wonderful!

 

Good luck Marlena!

 

Hope it all works out and you get to know the girl and she is great and you become friends with her.

 

And that having your support will enable him not to drink so much.

[marlena]

Hi A,

 

Good to see you! You haven't been around much. Neither have I really with all that's been going on. How are you?

 

Yes, I decided to stick it out because he is such a sweet and giving man (and handsome, too!). Maybe together we can curb this thing and he can learn to drink more responsibly like most of us.

 

I would love to meet this woman but she lives in another city,, six hours away, so I doubt it. But, you never know. I know they parted on friendly terms because she does call him every so often on his cell.

 

Anyway my sweet, thanks for the well wishes! Take care.

 

XXXX

M

[Ariadne]

Hi A,

 

Good to see you! You haven't been around much. Neither have I really with all that's been going on. How are you?

 

Yes, I decided to stick it out because he is such a sweet and giving man (and handsome, too!). Maybe together we can curb this thing and he can learn to drink more responsibly like most of us.

 

I would love to meet this woman but she lives in another city,, six hours away, so I doubt it. But, you never know. I know they parted on friendly terms because she does call him every so often on his cell.

 

Anyway my sweet, thanks for the well wishes! Take care.

 

XXXX

M

 

Hey,

 

Poor girl, she doesn´t even live in the same city. It sounds like he is a very compassionate man, imagine, not to abandon her in that situation and he helped her.

 

I´m so glad you are giving love a chance!

 

I´m doing great right now, thank you, I´m in South Am visiting my parents for a couple months that´s why I haven´t been on much.

 

Nice to see you too and all the best my friend!

[marlena]

Thanks, sweetie. He is a very compassionate man, a caregiver, very gentle, nuturing.

 

Yes, I will give love a chance. It took so long to come. So unexpectedly. And with an old friend. Who would have thought?

 

If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. Fingers crossed for you,sweetie

 

Have a great time in S.A.

XXXX

M

[Kamille]

Update:

 

Thanks everybody for all the good advice. I weighed things and decided that for the time being I will stay for the simple reason that he has so many other redeeming qualities. We'll see if we can conquer this together. If not, you'll most definitely see me on the Breaking Up forum!

 

I'm glad to hear this Marlena. I believe in being cautious and listening to your guts, but I also believe in leading from the heart.

 

I've probably been heart-broken more than most on this board, and yet, I don't regret ever giving love a chance.

 

Little known fact, I almost broke up with bf a few times at the beginning of our R. The beginning was definitely rockier than where we are now. Now we're amazed at how close we feel. We're amazed that our connection keeps getting deeper. My point is, IME, when a relationship is worth your time, it will get smoother, as you learn to live with each other's idiosyncrasies.

 

You also know I was dating a man who would drink himself into a stupor when face with challenges. That was difficult and worrisome, and I did not know how to handle it. I think you're a much more understanding person than I am when it comes to other's decisions. Just be careful not to get too wrapped up in helping him manage his drinking. Ultimately, he is responsible for himself.

[marlena]

I'm glad to hear this Marlena. I believe in being cautious and listening to your guts, but I also believe in leading from the heart.

Hi Kamille darling,

 

That's just it. My gut feelings are split. Part of my gut says this isn't going to work out and another part says this is THE MAN. I figured I needed some more time for my feelings to come more clearly into focus.

 

I've probably been heart-broken more than most on this board, and yet, I don't regret ever giving love a chance.

I also have quite a history of heart breaks and I don't regret ever having given love a chance either.

 

Little known fact, I almost broke up with bf a few times at the beginning of our R. The beginning was definitely rockier than where we are now. Now we're amazed at how close we feel. We're amazed that our connection keeps getting deeper. My point is, IME, when a relationship is worth your time, it will get smoother, as you learn to live with each other's idiosyncrasies.

Good point!!!! It was the same here, too, Kamille, for me. I had been so fiercely independent for so long that I felt overwhelmed at first . It's five months now and already things have smoothed out a lot. Yes, if it is good, the bond will get deeper. That's another reason I didn't want to throw it all away without giving it my best shot. I am glad you stuck it out. Nowadays, people tend not to have patience any more.

 

 

You also know I was dating a man who would drink himself into a stupor when face with challenges. That was difficult and worrisome, and I did not know how to handle it. I think you're a much more understanding person than I am when it comes to other's decisions. Just be careful not to get too wrapped up in helping him manage his drinking. Ultimately, he is responsible for himself.

 

I don't think I am more understanding but I do try to respect another's persons right to live his life as he sees fit.

 

Yes, ultimately he is responsible as we all are for our choices. If he blows this good thing we have for a bottle, then, he'll have to accept the consquences.

 

Like I've said, I don't mind a person drinking. After all, I like my drinks, too, especially when out in socail circles. What I object to is not drinking responsibly and getting wasted is is not drinking responsibly.

 

Kamille, thanks for your support. You know it means a lot to me.

 

XXXX

M

Edited March 6, 2011 by marlena

[threebyfate]

I am always authentic with myself. If anyone never kids herself, it's me. I always fight for what I believe is right. Even if it kills me.

Then I guess you're not experiencing any cognitive dissonance.

 

He opens up in his own good time. Which is as it should be. You can't pry personal information out of someone. He has to be ready to communicate. I have known this person since my teens. He was a good friend many years ago before he moved abroad.

 

The problem is his drinking. His getting wasted. .He always had a problem with alcohol but now, so many years later, it has escalated.

 

The relationship was perfect in every other way. The days when he managed to stay sober that is.

If it's only his drinking, why did living with an ex bother you?

 

You're experiencing distrust and not only with his drinking, although minimalising drinking if it's his mistress, isn't a good idea.

 

We all make choices in life and bear the consequences of such. And as long as your eyes are wide open going into this, it's ultimately your life.

[marlena]

Then I guess you're not experiencing any cognitive dissonance.

No, not much. Just the usual dissonance that comes in the beginning stages of a R as each partner feels the other out in an effort to bond and establish more intimacy.

 

If it's only his drinking, why did living with an ex bother you?

I never said it bothered me. Why would it? I was just curious to find out if other people also thought that it had to be more than friendship-based. If he doesn't wanr to tell me the details of that R, it's his prerogative and I hace to respect that. After all, it's the past. He;s entitled to it. I have one, too, many parts of which I want to keep to myself.

 

You're experiencing distrust and not only with his drinking, although minimalising drinking if it's his mistress, isn't a good idea.

No, I do not distrust him at all. He has never given me cause to. He makes me feel very secure. I just worry when he drinks in excess ..which fortunately, is not often. I am hoping he will learn to drink responsibly like we all do and not feel the need to get wasted whenever he drinks.

 

We all make choices in life and bear the consequences of such. And as long as your eyes are wide open going into this, it's ultimately your life.

 

 

Yes, we do and I have decided at this point to give it another chance as apart from this one problem, everything else is perfect. Now,if it so happens that it doesn't work out, then, well, I'll deal with it when the time comes. Better than regretting not having given it a chance at all.