She says she needs time to understand her feelings

[themechanic]

I'm 29 and never been in a relationship. She's 28 and come out of a 2 year intense relationship 10 months ago which she described as a catastrophe.

 

4 months on and we have met 4 times and been intimate from the beginning. I've been to her hometown and stayed over 3 times. I have met her closest friends and family who I have got on really well with and she says they all like me.

 

Its come to a stage where she is trying to define what we are and where we're going. I said I'm happy with the way things are going and I do think of the future with her in it.

 

She says the fact that I am sure of myself makes her feel uncomfortable and that she is afraid of disappointing me. She says she's confused and needs time to understand her feelings and that she is not ready for committing to a relationship with me. She says she's attached to me and loves me but is not in love with me.

 

She says I can 'yes' if you want me to and I can say 'no' if you want me to but neither would be truthful.

 

She always says if your patient with me, you will be surprised.

 

We had both agreed no contact before I left but when we were in each other's arms at the airport, I had a gut feeling this was going to be difficult. I told her that we could not be friends and that I already have friends. She has had a difficult time recently too with having to look after her mum who has had recent cancer operation and she is behind on her work.

 

It was a long journey home so I sent her SMS saying that I agreed things moved too fast, I didn't want to lose her and that we both needed time. She replied that she felt sad and empty, couldn't imagine not seeing me again and that she needed time to understand her feelings.

 

I wasn't in contact with her for 4 days. I started to think it was over and began deleting stuff. I still wasn't happy so I called her. We had our usual lively chat and I told her that I understood that she needed time but did this mean no contact. She said of course not. I was like ok, now I can get back to work. She was at her parents and I could hear her mum in the background laughing and saying to her I thought you and him no contact.

 

She definitely wants to keep in touch as usual on the phone and internet. In terms of coming to my hometown, she says its not a fact of whether or not I come to see you, its why I come to see you.

 

Still, I sometimes feel she might be trying to let me down gently, attached and wanting to keep me as a friend or until at least something else comes along. I would have thought by now if she doesn't know what she wants, it means she doesn't want me. I've been reading loads of stuff on the net too!

 

I could be a coward and cut her off completely but I have strong feelings for her and would not want to hurt her. Her mum's operation went fine and she seems to be getting back into her work.

 

She knows I love her more than she loves me. I have decided to be patient for how long I don't know. And just be myself, concentrate on my work and other things instead of trying too hard.

 

Have I completely missed something here, I don't know?

[LittleTiger]

Isn't it just possible that she is struggling with the idea of a LDR? It's been said many, many times, but LDRs are not for the faint hearted.

 

To be honest, if I wasn't absolutely in love with my SO and 99% sure about our future together, I wouldn't even consider it. The only reason I even got into my current situation is because he pursued me with great determination (despite being 12,000 miles away) and he stood head and shoulders above every man I've ever known.

 

If you've only known her four months and only seen her four times (presumably briefly?) I would guess that she doesn't feel secure enough in your relationship yet to 'commit' herself to anything.

 

If you really like her and feel she is somebody special then I think you're probably doing the right thing. Continue to pursue the relationship on a non-committed basis - just for now. Maybe if you give her more time she will decide that you're the only man she wants and then she'll be prepared to put up with a LDR until you can make better arrangements for your future.

 

Of course, you are also running the risk of her deciding somewhere down the line that she doesn't want to commit to you, but if you think she's special isn't that a risk worth taking?

[themechanic]

Thanks LittleTiger

 

She is special to me so I will continue to enjoy and see what happens.

[LittleTiger]

You're welcome.

 

I hope it works out for you.

 

Come back and let us know......or better still, hang about and keep us posted.

[creighton0123]

Have you missed something?

 

Yes. Everything you think, your entire approach to be exact, has been your considering this a run of the mill relationship.

 

It's not. It's a long distance relationship. The two are both fundamentally distinct and operate in different ways. The one component all long distance relationships requires is absolute patience. Her current level of doubt, confusion, and hesitation in a relationship where she could drive a mile away and see you might take a few weeks to resolve. In a long distance relationship, this could take a few months.

 

She wants time before you label what the two of you have? If you care and are patient enough, give her time. Don't be so quick to label yourselves. Labels are not for the two of you, anyhow - they're for society.

 

It isn't about who loves who more - that's a facade. Your love is not like hers. The capacity for love of two individuals cannot be placed side by side and measured. Give her a few weeks. Talk about things after that. If she still needs more time, give her a few more weeks. Don't jump to the "contact"/"no contact" paradigm (something I haven't seen manifest outside of legitimate breakups).

 

Do your normal thing. Talk, Skype, etc. Don't base serious communication on text messaging (really... just don't). Things will play out and inevitably she will discover what she wants to do. You may or may not like the answer, but at least you didn't force her to make a decision she inevitably wouldn't make otherwise.

 

In the end, realize that you are in control of yourself. Don't wait a year. Hell, don't wait six months. Wait for as long as you're comfortable waiting and realize one thing:

 

If you're not happy in the relationship, you can end the relationship. If things don't feel right and rarely feel right, chances are things aren't... right.

[themechanic]

We keep in touch but less often as we're both busy with work. She has her first art exhibition in 10 days time so she's a bit stressed out knowing she is going to be in the spotlight. I of course will be travelling to be there for it to support her and to take her away for a few days afterwards as we have not done this in any of my previous visits.

 

When I went to see her last time, we did some nude modeling together at an atelier. I already she knew did this part-time but to show my support, I thought I would try it for myself. I have never done anything like this in my life and didn't really have any desire to then or now. I just did it to show her that I respect what she does and I do not ridicule. It went well and the artists asked when we would next be available.

 

Her father is German and her mother is Indian. Her father knows that she does nude modeling, but her mother and brother have no idea. Her mother would be distraught if she found out. She definitely choose to lead a more German, European life over traditional Indian.

 

I'm not interested in the money but for her as an artist, its a way to supplement her income. I am sure she enjoys it too. She gets to meet other artists too. I am available if the atelier would like a couple to pose nude but I am sure she has plenty of other volunteers too!

 

What I didn't know until today was that she models with other guys and one of these guys is her best friend John from a while back who she let slip briefly that she had feelings for him. This was 4 months ago when we used to chat on the webcam, before we first decided to see each other but I never forgot.

 

I'm not sure if they have modelled together before.

 

She talked about him and he is the only one who I have not met. She even hesitated to mention his name:

 

"That was my best friend telilng me about a nude modeling opportunity."

 

I thought is that Paul (her first, her ex) who I met.

 

"No, its John my best friend I told you about who you haven't met."

 

I was like oh... cool when's that...

 

"On the 13th. It pays 20/hour so that's a bit more so should be interesting"

 

Cool... (inside I'm like WTF!). She continues to talk and I'm still digesting what she just then so my voice goes softer and I'm like Oh er, I gotta go now but we speak soon...

 

"OK, we speak before the exhibition, This time in German :-)"

 

I'm learning a 2nd language because of her and not because she insisted. If she couldn't speak English, me and her would've never got anywhere. I felt obliged and she did ask if I would learn German. I said of course. I wanted to for myself but more so because I care about her.

 

As for the nude modeling with her best friend, I can easily ignore it as my mind is set on me and her and I respect that she tells me these things. She also choose what and how much to tell me. Am I right in thinking this way or should I not ignore so easily?

 

I give it my all and its not even though I make it look and sound easy to her. I am going through big changes in my time right now in terms of family and career so I worry I am devoting too much of myself to her and could get hurt. She said she didn't want to give me false hope or disappoint me a while back.

 

We are in a long distance relationship of sorts but its definitely not a committed relationship as she needs time to understand her feelings!

[themechanic]

Last week she told me about the nude modeling with the best friend who I met and do not know.

 

I tried to be cool but it was eating me up inside so I called her. She was surprised. I said it had nothing to with trust and I also understand on an intellectual that nothing happens and it just work. But certain poses can be more intimate and on an emotional level, the very thought of other guys touching her naked body made me feel sick.

 

We talked and she reassured me that she would not model nude with anyone she found physically attractive. I said what ! You modeled nude with me ! She says that was special and I felt much better.

 

However, yesterday we had a chat and she had to come clean about how she felt about me. She said that she loves me but was never in love with me. Her words: "Yes I want to see you again, but not as a boyfriend".

 

We did have problems in the bedroom with me struggling to orgasm and her having orgasm many times. It had a lot to do with me and stress I have from my family and work life but at an early stage I did not want to mention this to her. I also thought I need not mention and things would get better. Unfortunately, I kept putting more pressure on myself to cum with her and I could not orgasm. I then questioned whether I was stopping myself from cumming early and then having orgasm without ejaculation. Either way, this did not help. Also, because of my stress I was lacking self confidence in the bedroom with her and she noticed. I think she was patient and eventually it started to frustrate her. I noticed this and it would stress me out even more.

 

She said I am the perfect guy if not, too perfect. Everybody around her - her friends and family like me if not love me. She says that God has presented her with a treasure and she can't accept this treasure because she feels like stone. I thought to myself... what a load of BS, your trying to flatter me or put me down gently... I didn't say anything.

 

She says she feels guilty that she does not match up and says she has an ego: she has sexual impulses, she thinks about other men... I said this is normal. I told her I do not think of other women and that I am mentally strong and she remembers this. So I had to level with her and tell her its not the sexual impulses we have, its whether or not we act on those impules. I also admit that I have had many sexual impulses for other womens so she need not feel guilty.

 

She says she's afraid that if we continue as we are she will get attached to me even more. She asks if we can give us a chance as friends as she does not feel comfortable being a couple. She is not happy because I am sure of myself and she is just asking me to wait. I stressed I have no problem waiting but she worries and says its not fair.

 

She says I am someone very important to her but not sure if her love is the same as mine. She says that she is not at all sure of herself and feels she can't continue asking me to be patient when she feels that I am so sure about her. She says: I am happy seeing you, I didn't fall in love with you, but you already have an important place in my heart.

 

She says I say I love you already but its not the type of love your wanting. I won't feel comfortable for us to continue as a couple.

 

I said fine, I understand somewhat how you feel. I'm sure she feels that I put in more effort and I have stronger feelings for her than she has for me. What I try to explain to her is that she need not compare, as we are two individuals and show our love in different ways and our capacities for love cannot be measured side by side ;-)

 

She says if we see each other again she just wants to spend good time together, discover things together and talk. I feel she wants it to end on her terms especially as we have close mutual friends whose wedding we met at last year.

 

She expects me to come to opening of her exhibition as a friend. I ask myself how will I be able to do this? How will I feel in this situation when I was looking forward to seeing her, my self confidence had built up and I felt I would be able to orgasm, be more wild and enjoy being with her more. She says she wants to go on the trip I suggested and this last time, just as friends.

 

I thought friends, you have many male friends who fancies you so I am now just one of them. She said noooooooo but if this is what you think: after the trip if I can only still consider you as friend, I would not see you anymore.

 

I told her that I realise that I compromised myself because I guess I cared too much about you... even though I knew you was holding back your thoughts and your ego...

 

She didn't know what to say. By the way this all happened on webcam but there was no sound and all typing.

 

Then she called me the next morning and pleaded to me to come to opening of her exhibition but more importantly she wanted us to be alone from everybody and go on the road trip I had planned... haven't started planning yet !

 

She continued that as friends only - no kissing either. She said if anything happens its if we both really want it... I think this all goes back to me not having orgasm with her.

 

She would ask can you control and I would just be boning her and not ejaculating. She would get tired, have many orgasms and one time she even passed out. I remember I ejaculated once and she didn't believe it and wanted to check the condom, she was over the moon !

 

I guess I feel a lot better that we both levelled with each other. I actually feel a lot more free. My ego says *uck this, I ain't got time for this *ull*hit, she just wants to end it on her terms and my conscience says don't be an *sshole she is a nice girl and you know it... let her have what she wants as she is a somewhat fragile and very caring person. She didn't tell me her feelings for so long because she was afraid of disappointing me.

 

I guess I am just a bit scared of how its going to be in a public place with people around who know her and know me. And not being able to hold her, to kiss her and I guess again sleeping alone at her place while she is at her parents.

 

The trip... I have to plan road trip for Thurday to Sunday night but how will it be in the bedroom. I will be sleeping on the couch or in the same bed but not be able to touch her...

 

Another part of me thinks at least you know where you stand, just go and enjoy, be yourself...

 

It just pisses me off when I have a stressful life back home and I am building myself back together that I have to take this knock and keep a smile on face. I don't have to... I guess I choose to because I have strong feelings for her...

 

She asked if I would come as friend and I said... "Of course, no problem!"

 

As my friend would say: man you off there again, you must be truly whipped !!!

Edited March 24, 2011 by themechanic
Missed a bit

[CharleyT]

Isn't it just possible that she is struggling with the idea of a LDR? It's been said many, many times, but LDRs are not for the faint hearted.

 

To be honest, if I wasn't absolutely in love with my SO and 99% sure about our future together, I wouldn't even consider it. The only reason I even got into my current situation is because he pursued me with great determination (despite being 12,000 miles away) and he stood head and shoulders above every man I've ever known.

 

If you've only known her four months and only seen her four times (presumably briefly?) I would guess that she doesn't feel secure enough in your relationship yet to 'commit' herself to anything.

 

If you really like her and feel she is somebody special then I think you're probably doing the right thing. Continue to pursue the relationship on a non-committed basis - just for now. Maybe if you give her more time she will decide that you're the only man she wants and then she'll be prepared to put up with a LDR until you can make better arrangements for your future.

 

Of course, you are also running the risk of her deciding somewhere down the line that she doesn't want to commit to you, but if you think she's special isn't that a risk worth taking?

 

I have to agree, I'm in a LDR and have been for 4 months, 1 to go, and I swear to god it's the hardest thing I've ever done and I need you to understand that, let it sink in. It IS the hardest thing I've ever done. I was serious about him before he went away so I can only imagine how scared she'd be of getting hurt again if this fizzled out cause of the long distance.

 

Maybe give her more time but that doesn't mean ignoring her, you need to reassure her of how much you like her even though it might make you feel a little insecure giving so much and recieving so little but as the lovely lady above says 'Isn't that a risk worth taking?'

 

Best of luck lovely x

[themechanic]

She meant wild as in... She used the wrong word. She meant to tell me that she is nervous when it comes to intimacy.

 

On the other hand once she is into it, she is very physical. I was confused all along.

 

Anyway, she went out yesterday with friends, well her first sex partner and family.

 

I have no problem apart that I felt when she was 24, wanted to lose her virginity and along came a guy who was introduced to her by a friend, who happened to be very experienced and most importantly - patient !

 

All the local guys I have met told me in England, its easy to get laid, in this country you have to be patient.

 

She told me that he was very patient with me. When she told me who this guy was I thought to myself oh, that's the "uckin prick who was grinning across the table at me as if to ask are you and her... *astard !

 

I haven't told her this because she sees him as one of her best friends and to be honest I don't know him well enough to know if he is genuine.

 

She is somewhat attached to him. They never had a falling out - just friendship with benefits for a year and a half. He moves on and has no problem having her as a friend. She is still close friends with his family.

 

I didn't realise that the first time she took me out for drinks in her hometown to meet up with her friends. So from left to right, her first sex partner (FSP), his cousin, the girl who introduced her to her FSP, her FSP's sister, FSP's brother in law.

 

I honestly felt like she was groomed. She shared a lot of experience with this guy. Do women generally lie when they said that they do not compare?

 

So I said to her, I don't like you labelling me but that's your choice. I asked if she sees me just as one of those friends she went out with yesterday or someone she is dating... She couldn't me a straight answer and just said can you just come and we just have a good time on our road trip.

 

Why do I have self doubt... Many reasons especially with the fact that she has already labelled me as friend. In what sense I do not know. Except things on sex front, moved way to quickly that she would have liked. Maybe she wants to take a step back and get to know me better, which is fair. But if she has already made her mind up, I don't want to feel like that chump who is taking her on a road trip.

 

Plus its her big exhibition opening night so if her friends and family think I am coming and I do not turn up, it might be overshadowed slightly. Plus I don't to risk her being fragile and falling in to the arms of being a friend of benefits because I am sure her FSP will be waiting.

 

I don't understand men, her first clearly knows she get attached and this makes it difficult to move on, her ex (2nd) still has his name on the mailbox so some excuse to collect this meet her and collect his mail when he is town. I want to *itch slap the first and crack the mailbox over the head of the 2nd. If guys had removed themselves out of the picture instead of lingering, she could have moved on.

 

Personally, I would exit completely and let her get on with her life. I told her she could not have me as a friend and that I have friends. She said she was attached and that's why I make this analysis of her past relationships.

 

I am pulling myself together to go now. I have been somewhat paralysed by my thoughts over the past few days, stuck in bed, not working, not going gym, not tidying up, just asking questions, even after me and her have opened up to each more, [but I worry in all in vain (i typed and deleted this bit)].

 

Its not easy when I made 3 trips to her hometown. Wake-up at 4:30am, bus to coach station, coach to airport, flight to, coach to train station, train to her local town and I get there for 4:30pm.

 

And now I realised maybe she just saw me as a friend and fragile character. That she was never ready for a relationship. Is this the end of road ?

 

I think to myself enough worrying, be yourself and enjoy yourself and lose yourself in having a good time. I'll try - that for sure !

[TokyoG33kyGal]

i think you're better off if you go NC. forget being friends, just move on with your life without her in the picture. you two are very different people, and maybe she saw that and chose to put you in the "friend zone."

 

if she even consider labeling this relationship as exclusive, you would have to deal with her way of life (especially her career) and with her exes who are still friends with her. this is how she is, even before you met her so you have to accept that. for her to compromise or change this is her prerogative, not yours. now since you are only friends, you have to respect those boundaries.

[creighton0123]

i think you're better off if you go NC. forget being friends, just move on with your life without her in the picture. you two are very different people, and maybe she saw that and chose to put you in the "friend zone."

 

if she even consider labeling this relationship as exclusive, you would have to deal with her way of life (especially her career) and with her exes who are still friends with her. this is how she is, even before you met her so you have to accept that. for her to compromise or change this is her prerogative, not yours. now since you are only friends, you have to respect those boundaries.

 

TokyoGal and I almost always agree. This is one of those times.

 

Let's face it. There are parts of her life that you don't like. I like to think that for those who pursue monogamy, you inevitably meet someone who has perks and flaws, and love them for both.

 

You said that you're 29 and this is your first relationship. You've learned quite a bit in this one and it seems that, even if you cut all strings and move on, it is a relationship that has ended successfully.

 

Be grumpy and sad about the breakup for a short while. Get back on the horse and try again. My suggestion is that you will find someone who you will have a great relationship with. It will most likely happen when you least expect it.

[themechanic]

I could not take her nude modeling with other men seriously when the only men she has modelled with 2 people. A close friend who I have met and me. This 3rd person who she calls her best friend and the fact that she says she will not model with guys she finds physically attractive... doesn't add up to me.

 

As much as this bothered me, I could not help going. I guess I needed to be very open with her and her with me. Plus I did not want to make a scene a couple of days before an important event in her life where all her close friends, family and critics would be attending.

 

Having been pretty much physically drained from work and the emotional stress with her not helping, I just about got the plane in time and started brainstorming ideas for the trip. Fellow Englishman next to me shared a beer and gave me some ideas :-)

 

I met her at her parents. I walked in like I had never been away (she told me this later). This time I met more of her family who were specially visiting for the preview of her art exhibition (vernissage). Her uncle gave me some ideas too. I really enjoyed spending time with her and her family. I felt more relaxed than ever.

 

I stayed at her parents 1st night, sleeping separately of course.

 

So, exhibition evening she gets a phone call that upsets her. Her best friend John decides to call her up and say I will not be coming to the vernissage. She tells me this and I wonder why for a moment... but I continue to focus on her evening.

 

All evening she introduced me to many of her friends, some of whom I have met before, some new and other important people in her life.

 

At the end of the evening we went to chill out at her friends place. It was all couples. Then we went back to her place.

 

We were supposed to set off on Thursday but her ex was in town returning some spare keys so she had to go and see him. We set off on Friday and I am supposed to be going back on Monday.

 

Car gets broken into, her handbag stolen... back to square one..., change cars, change 3 sets of locks (her place, her parents), police reports etc... and we set off again on Saturday evening.

 

Its a long drive so we stop over and stay in hotel. We have a very open chat about how she found it difficult not looking for a relationship and how I came into her life and she did not know what to do. She found it difficult to say no, not wanting to hurt my feelings. Whilst all the time, I always sensed this and asked her if she wanted to continue seeing me and she would still insist I come to see her...

 

I told her that I was disappointed that her friend John did not attend and that I was looking forward to meeting him. And guess why John did not attend... He told her that he was in love with her! So much for best friend. Must have been really frustrated holding out and discovering at the last minute that I was in the picture. I told her how I had my doubts but I travelled all the way because I wanted to support her. This guys throws a strop on the evening of the vernissage. The guy she is supposed to be doing nude modeling with...

 

I told her what I thought of her plutonic friends and what a load of bull it was. I go: this guy, you talk about being your best friend, couldn't keep it together for this one important evening and decides to make a big scene. She goes when they met he was seeing someone else. He split up with her 2 years ago and he has always been friend... nothing more. I never met John, perhaps there is more than she cares to tell me... Sometimes telling half of the truth is just the same as lying.

 

Anyway, I leveled with her that although I care about her, I was seeing her and did not consider labeling her as my girlfriend... At the end, she made it clear that she was not looking for a relationship and if we could just enjoy our trip. I said of course. That evening, I did upset her as I wanted to have sex with her even though she was on her period. I don't know I was so turned on, nothing would phase me, I even commented on how beautiful and natural it was... weird ?

 

The strange thing was that it felt like we were a couple, sharing things, discovering things, making love...

 

On the Monday morning, we had such a good time, we realised I would not make it to the airport on time so I missed my flight, and me and her spent another 4 days together... On one of those days, we was at her parents, she called one of her girl friends and guess who answered the phone... John. She later comes back into the room and says sorry like to say I must have been giving you mixed signal too. I was like oh *uck I don't need this. She says she also felt guilty that when she went out that day, she went see her ex about how they should not stay in contact. She said that I deserved to know and she wanted to tell me.

 

I stayed with her although I could've simply said goodbye, checked into a hotel and waited for new flight back home. This happened at her parents and I felt bad that her mum sensed the tension. Her mum was telling her: don't mess this guy about. She did not want me to leave like this and I guess a part of me could not let her go so easily. I had told her that we would pick her brother up from the airport that evening so I wasn't going back on that. Also, I had missed my flight and was going to stay at her place so I felt good. We continued spending time together, she wanted to take me to a place she loves, her stolen bag was eventually found with the keys inside, we spent time doing normal stuff together... I think we would be kidding ourselves if we weren't just friends...

 

On the last day, Friday morning we took some nude modeling and intimate pics together which we both realised were very personal... she was afraid to keep a copy on USB incase they ever went missing. I later went outside and found the car was missing... In fact, it had been impounded... doh ! I miss my rescheduled flight... She says: I think god wants us to stay together... I'm thinking: That's nice but I need to get back to work.

 

She felt it her was fault as she did not check the parking arrangements at her place and going back also the fact that she left her handbag on display in the first hire car. She paid for my return flight... I left the following day. She made me some nice food to take for my journey, I gave her massage as she had a migraine. We kissed and said goodbye...

 

We never had any problems in the bedroom... in fact it just got better for both of us... But I must admit I was bugging her a bit. I was constantly horny, I was disturbing her sleep as well my own... I did upset her and apologised... she was very understanding and found it adorable.

 

I think she is definitely detached emotionally when it comes to sex with me. She knows I am sincere and that I love her so she is comfortable with me. She enjoys and like to see me enjoy as she can orgasm easily so its nice for her when we orgasm together which we did many times. She likes getting physical but she gave me no tongue so I always felt things were going no where and that I should just enjoy being with her... possibly for the last time.

 

Was this a goodbye trip ? I certainly don't feel obliged to contact her anytime soon. I made my peace with her. Obviously I miss her but I don't feel its on me, the ball's in her court and I should get myself back together. She said she enjoyed our trip... I said I know because I said we would enjoy our trip no matter what...

 

She e-mailed me to ask if I got back ok but no kisses just a plain 'bye'.

 

I've been back a few days and I just wonder if she will continue to do the nude modeling with John tomorrow especially after he has told her that he is in love with her...

 

She's moving town as she wants to goto university to study art... so she's selling her stuff, happy that her phone went missing, moving on with her life...

 

Oh what the heck... I should just move on and get on with my life... Its just sad because I really loved her.

 

I know I will see her in the future as we have mutual friends.

Edited April 12, 2011 by themechanic
grammatical error

[TokyoG33kyGal]

looks like she only wants a FWB setup. as much as you want to continue pushing putting a leash on her, i don't see that happening. you can continue to analyze her and drive yourself crazy or enjoy the ride while it lasts.

[themechanic]

looks like she only wants a FWB setup. as much as you want to continue pushing putting a leash on her, i don't see that happening. you can continue to analyze her and drive yourself crazy or enjoy the ride while it lasts.

 

I've more than enjoyed the ride too. But if FWB is all is wants there are plenty of guys out there for her... just not me.

 

I just try to forget her and get on with my life.

[adviseseeker]

Usually when a woman says that she needs "time" it means that her interest level has decreased for one reason or another.. Typically it is due to pushing to hard for a desired outcome.

 

Best bet in this type of situation is to give her all the time she could ever want by taking a step back and putting your attention on yourself. Do stuff for you and stop worrying about her..

 

If she is into you she will be on your door step in a couple days telling you she is done thinking... otherwise you can just move on.

 

that's my 2 cents.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

I've more than enjoyed the ride too. But if FWB is all is wants there are plenty of guys out there for her... just not me.

 

I just try to forget her and get on with my life.

 

she certainly knows that she got plenty of guys. John and you are almost on the same level, having an unrequited-love-sort-of-relationship with her.

 

i think you are a nice guy who is suited more for a monogamous relationship but the girl you want now is not up for that, at least not yet.

 

explore your options as you are not exclusively dating her and she is trying to certainly keep you at arms length with her "not looking for anything serious" card.

[themechanic]

she certainly knows that she got plenty of guys. John and you are almost on the same level, having an unrequited-love-sort-of-relationship with her.

 

i think you are a nice guy who is suited more for a monogamous relationship but the girl you want now is not up for that, at least not yet.

 

explore your options as you are not exclusively dating her and she is trying to certainly keep you at arms length with her "not looking for anything serious" card.

 

She did do the nude modelling with John. And they along with another girlfriend when away together for the weekend. I don't know whether there's anything else going on but I know what I want.

 

She wanted to contact me to see how I was but she wasn't sure it was good idea. She considers that we are no longer a couple. I never thought we really were to begin with.

 

I miss spending time having fun and sex with her. I think there is a potential for FWB setup but she thinks my feelings for her are too strong and this makes her feel uncomfortable. I told her its just the way I love.

 

I guess I have feelings for her but after all that I've been through with her, the heartache and anxieties - a lot of which was brought on by my personal circumstances with family at home, taking time off work etc... I felt more good having sex with her. I was more than content with her not having the same feelings for me. It was difficult because she was so far away.

 

Now feeling like I got nothing to lose, I'm more relaxed at simply spending time with her and having great sex.

 

Mutual friends of ours have invited me over to their villa and she told me that she had the invitation too. So I thought I suggest to her for us both to go together as its an hour from her hometown.

[themechanic]

My sister knows I'm going but I get back in time for when she is supposed to be giving birth. I want to be there for my sister and brother-in-law. But guess what, she has had the baby today - the day before I plan on going away to see... If I go, I would want to know she and baby is are ok first and that she is happy for me to go. If I feel they need me, I will not go.

 

So anyway, I am planning to go and see mutual friends with her.

 

I suggested to her and she said she would pick me up from the airport with her father and we can get the bus together to the town where our friends are.

 

I know in my heart that I am really going to see these mutual friends because its an opportunity to be with her. We thought just to stay there for the day so we could spend more time with each other but my friend wants us to stay the night.

 

I know we're not in her words a couple any more so I'm keeping cool and open-minded, not expecting anything other than to enjoy the company of being with her and friends.

 

My family on the other hand don't want me to go. They feel I am neglecting my work and putting myself under financial stress. To be honest, the stress I have been having is from my family not wanting me to see this girl from day one... why? Because she is from a different religious and cultural background.

 

I just want to see her again because I feel good with her. I know a week later she is going away for 3 months and I will come back and have no plans to travel and see her again, as I need to stay home and focus on my new business and other things.

 

Should I stay or should I go... I wait and see.

[themechanic]

This time it was chaotic. Sex was the best so far (i have to forget) but bittersweet - just physical. I had been bugging her for sex even though we were no longer couple... eventually she obliged, strange thing is she was saying "oh thank you" to me! It was just physical and deep down she really wanted it too.

 

She was in between trying to spend time with me and mutual friends whilst also preparing to move out of her rented apartment. It was all very rushed.

 

I'm not sure if its european thing but she has lots of middle-aged male friends. Whether she thinks an older man is more experienced in life or she like male company of men she doesnt find physically attractive but can have as plutonic friends. I met most of them and they might have more to say being 45-50 but most of them just want a piece of her even if they can't bone her...

 

So she gone away now for the summer now... I get back to looking after me.

 

For any of you who ever find themselves in similar situation as me, I recommend keeping your cards close to yourself, never say I love you, don't smother her, make sure your not the rebound... I soon realised that her and ex had plans to marry in the future.

 

She was missing the love and sex. I filled the void but when she came to her senses she realised she was not the one for me or I was not the one for her. She felt guilty I guess so we were some sort of couple for a few months. Her idea of couple is friend who you have sexual relationship with also.

 

I definitely recommend being patient, never ever losing your cool or composure. Long distance can make you crazy, misread feelings and situations. I learn the hard way but I have no regrets. She was still a wonderful girl.

 

Long distance is not easy especially if like me you have never been in a relationship. I was constantly asking friends, I was always confused. Best not to ask anyone, try to enjoy yourself and be yourself, the answers to your questions will come in good time and you will have to accept - its life! Try meditating or doing something more productive in your spare time. Never waste time worrying or feeling sorry for yourself.

 

I think I also tried too hard, she noticed this. I was too much of a dreamer for her. Sure I went to see her at any given opportunity, it was clear I really fancied her but not the other way round. I was losing focus on me, my work, and other aspects of my life.

 

For me I realised, I was also escaping to her love/affection, when I really needed to get my own life in order. So if you haven't already, look after yourself and make sure you got your own *hit together otherwise it will add stress to what could normally be a healthy long distance dating/relationship.

 

Thanks you everybody who posted on this thread.

[themechanic]

The last time we made love, she made a point to let me know it was just physical for her.

 

Looking back, I think I was too full on for her. I made her feel uncomfortable by declaring my love too early - she always knew I had feelings for her which were not the same as hers and this put her under pressure.

 

I want to get back with her, just relax and have some fun.

 

She realises I was under a lot of pressure with family circumstances.

 

We have stayed in touch while she was away on holiday with her parents.

 

We kept in touch on the phone and MSN for hours while she was away and when she came back. To be fair, its been more my instigating but nevertheless we had fun - nothing sexual or kinky. She had her baby cousin or other extended family nearby. She says her mum asks about me all the time.

 

She had moved back to live with parents but is now starting a 4 year degreee at uni next month and has moved to a new place which actually is more convenient for me to travel to.

 

I've started a new business but looking to take some time off and would like to spend some time with her whether or not we hit it off again.

 

If I'm honest, while I was with her, I was out of shape and certainly the last time we were together, I had lost weight and was under a lot of stress financially and because an immediate family member was on trial and unexpectedly got sentenced to...

 

I've got myself back together, in better shape than ever, feel more confident than ever and feel like I have nothing to lose.

 

I sensed she wished I was stronger both mentally and physically. I know because I wanted to be but circumstances would not allow so. I have moved on and now feel more free. I thought this might be my only time to give it another shot and be on my best form.

 

I'm going to find some new business contacts and setup a meeting in the major city where she lives but I never really do any business in that country. There are many expats there though so I will find something. I will be looking for a genuine business opportunity so I don't have to BS her.

 

This is 17 days from now. What's the best approach. I don't want to text her and ask her if I can speak to her - too desparate. Drop her a casual e-mail maybe ?

 

"I'm coming to xxx on Friday the 16th next month to meet some new business contacts. They are from my home country. The meeting is in the afternoon and I plan to go back the following day.

 

I haven't booked my flight yet as I thought maybe if your around, we could spend the weekend together - you know the usual: chocolates, cooking, music, wine... maybe some new adventure :-)

 

Let me know."

 

I've timed it when she get back from a small trip and before she starts uni... She knows what I'm like and that I fancy her so if she's up for it, doesn't matter. If not, well then I know where I stand and that she simply cares about me and doesn't see anything more.

 

I can then distance her even more and hopefully see sense in pursuing other women I like.

[themechanic]

She was not comfortable for us to have an FWB setup because she knew my feelings for her were much stronger. I kept initiating contact with her because I really loved her, cared about her and missed her. I could not see her as a *uck buddy and sex without kissing her would just be empty. God damn that pretty woman movie.

 

She would chat to me online or on the phone and we would both enjoy but I sensed she was just trying to take care of my feelings.

 

I kept looking for an opportunity to get with her again but I stopped as soon as I began to accept my feelings were definitely one-sided and I risked just causing myself hurt over and over again.

 

I just sent her an e-mail highlighting that I accept our differences and that we have no basis for a genuine friendship either. I told her not to reply because I blocked her e-mail address and not to call me either because it would help me knowing not to expect any contact from her.

 

Why I didn't speak to her... ? She doesn't deserve it. I'm not the one who felt guilty or ashamed of myself during the relationship. Plus, its always difficult for her to understand over phone because her English is not so good. It was cute when she used to nod when I spoke and when I asked her if she understood, she would shake her head and we just laughed...

 

Previously, I was closing/reactivating my hotmail account several times because I felt guilty removing her off my friends list. Now, I just sent her that e-mail, removed her off the list.

 

I said no hard feelings and I wish you and your family all the best.

 

I do feel sad of course but there's no going back or open door for anything. I realise that I had to fully close the door which I have done.

 

I now understand what creighton0123 and TokyoG33kyGal were getting at 6 months ago !!! You live and learn :-)

 

I guess it took me long to get over her because I would not subscribe to some friends ideas of just going and shagging loads of girls. I'm glad I never did but many times I just wanted to so much. I'm sure I'll find someone when I least expect it. Now I just focus on my health, work and other interests.

 

If there is anyone out there in similar situation, make sure you move on and don't look back. If there is anything there, he or she will come to you. You don't need to chase after them or maintain any sort of contact. I did and it nearly destroyed me.

 

 

 

 

TokyoGal and I almost always agree. This is one of those times.

 

Let's face it. There are parts of her life that you don't like. I like to think that for those who pursue monogamy, you inevitably meet someone who has perks and flaws, and love them for both.

 

You said that you're 29 and this is your first relationship. You've learned quite a bit in this one and it seems that, even if you cut all strings and move on, it is a relationship that has ended successfully.

 

Be grumpy and sad about the breakup for a short while. Get back on the horse and try again. My suggestion is that you will find someone who you will have a great relationship with. It will most likely happen when you least expect it.

Edited October 10, 2011 by themechanic
Added a bit.

[themechanic]

She wants to talk about our relationship. She wants to apologise for some things and explain her behaviour. That she wasn't looking for relationship but when I came into her life and she wanted to try and then realised she did not want it after all - me or the relationship ?

 

Why now ? Is it because I'm cutting her off altogether. She nows wants to get a word in ?

 

It was like she was trying to explain herself and give me some counceling and advice on how I should look at life... She recommended I watch a movie "Ae Fond Kiss". Anyone seen it ?

Edited October 10, 2011 by themechanic
correction

[themechanic]

Why oh why oh why ?

 

We both laid out each other's opinions of each other via e-mail and phone. On the phone, she did not want to speak of the past. She was sorry that she hurt me and I was a little sorry too.

 

She feels that she was at fault because she continued to see me when she still in love or had desire for her ex boyfriend.

 

She wants to come and see me... what for ? Just so she can speak with me, try to leave things on a bright note and feel good about herself ?

 

She has just started a 4 year course at university. We don't chat online or on the phone like we used to. She says she will not stay long because of university and work.

 

One part of me still has desire for her, the other part reluctantly wants to cut her off completely. She made me feel like the rebound and she know this and she feels guilty.

 

Who am I to know that she is already seeing someone else and that I am simply unfinished business so she can pursue her new desires ?

 

She handled the breakup fine because she broke up with me. I am left soul searching and trying to get myself back together. What does she want ?

 

I'm moving to my new place soon and I guess I don't want her coming over if there is nothing between us.

 

Her e-mails used to end in bisous/kisses but now its just take care since we broke up. So I guess this is just a signal that she is not interested but just want to be some sort friend ? She feels sorry for me that she disappointed me ?

 

Should I ask her why she wants to come over ?

 

I think about her everyday...

Edited November 22, 2011 by themechanic