Carrot2000 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Hi, Even if I put on a brave face to hurt I feel and hid it would that really be enough to convince him or would there be another issue? Yes, there will always be another issue because this man is emotionally abusive. He's the one who's married; why should he doubt you? He's doing this as a way to manipulate you into staying in this relationship and it seems to be working because you're trying to convince him that you are worthy of his cruel, cheating azz. Jenna, there is nothing you can do to change his behavior; this is who he is. Holding on to him will only bring you more pain and misery.
Rita86 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Why does this remind me of another poster's story...Golon was it?...
OWoman Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 When you are involved with a MM you take what you can get. Don't like the situation, find someone who is not committed their life to someone else. Apologies for the t/j, but this is just wrong on so many levels! You get what you're willing to settle for - whether that's with a MM, SG or anyone else! There is no need to put up with being treated badly by ANYONE! Most MMs do not treat their OWs badly, even if the sample on LS might seems skewed towards those who do. I have never been treated badly by a MM, and have never had to "take what I can get". And assuming that someone has (is? ) "committed their life to someone else" just because they are M is also erroneous. People commit to those they love - that may be their spouse, or it may be their lover, or it may be their work. Commitment will show by their actions, not by some piece of paper lying in a cabinet somewhere. JA the turd you are with is a turd, not because he is M but because his actions show him to be a turd. I'm not sure why you are even posting this - you know it is abusive because you feel abused. That should be enough of an answer. Do you want to stay in an abusive R, or do you want a healthy R where you are loved and respected?
woinlove Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 OWoman, I know you were making a serious point, but your description of a M really made me laugh. Made me think Tony should change the tagline of this forum from "involved with a committed partner" to "involved with a partner with some piece of paper lying in a cabinet somewhere". My, what havoc that piece of paper appears to cause for some people's love lives!
Heather1 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Hi, Sorry it has taken me so long to reply. Thank you for all the replies. I didn't tell you my thoughts about what has been happening as I wanted you all to tell me about what you thought. I will be honest now. I have already looked up sites on emotional abuse. I have already been reading what they say but I couldn't be sure if it was just me feeling down about stuff or whether there really was a chance this has been happening to me. I must say it never used to be like this but it is increasingly the case if I try to discuss my feelings he gets cross. Even if I don't go about it the right way all I am trying to do is talk. I can't pretend I don't see some familiar things when I read about it. It may not be as bad as some of the stuff I read but I do think I am not always been treated fairly. I tried recently to have a conversation about where things are heading. I am told that I am a soulmate and loved etc but then told he is not sure about being with me one day. It seems to contradict to me. I'll admit my behaviour has been difficult in that I do get upset a lot but that is frustration and I don't think I deserve a hard time for hurting from him. I am at a point where I can't see what more I can do. I can't see doubts about me vanishing. I also don't see where doubts come into play. If you really love someone and you believe they are your soulmate then wouldn't you want to make it happen? It hurts like hell that my character is doubted. I really have put in 100% to the relationship. The only thing I can think that I do wrong is get upset- but that is the situation. I am then told we have a future and not to give up but I just can't see how we can when he clearly has doubts. It hurts that it is being put on me. Makes me feel I am wrong to get upset and have feelings but I can't help hurting. It isn't giving me a chance. Why don't I have them? I can only think it is because I do totally love him and he can't feel as strongly. I don't know what more I can do. I really do put my all into the relationship and feel unsure what I can do to remove such doubts. Even if I put on a brave face to hurt I feel and hid it would that really be enough to convince him or would there be another issue? I just don't know what more I can do. I want this to work so very much. Personally, I had to detach, OM was making me nuts. I think the answer is the opposite of putting in effort, it's detaching & not letting him affect you emotionally anymore. I used to think it was his guilt (kind of still do), but our conversations about "feelings" were always awful. I went to these classes on R, I really struggle w/ friendships & R & am a loner who rarely lets people in all the way. One of the things they mentioned is how relationships start is when you're vulnerable w/ eachother. Tears were coming from my eyes, w/ M & W, I get vulnerable & the outcome is completely the opposite of what it should be?? I'm working on that, but it's like I'm a little broken in that dept? You're being vulnerable w/ him, and he's being a complete jerk & trampling all over your feelings. I stopped telling xOM my feelings a long time ago & it's given me a boundary where my feelings aren't so hurt anymore. I've put in NO EFFORT, and he's been great to me ever since. It also meant the end of the PA though, which is OK by me now because I've distanced myself. It took a long time though, lots of laps in the pool, reading here, journaling, etc. I also listen to hypnosis tapes on detaching. That way, whatever happens you're OK, whether it works or not. I do remember being where you're at a few years ago, at the very beginning before I saw a pattern. It was like a vampire draining me & I could think of nothing else but how can I FIX this. It's not you....try to distance yourself just to get some perspective on things.
Emme Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I know I posted in this thread last night but I'll say it again in a nice manner. You are to be in bliss with your MM. It seems he's an authoritative figure and has choosen you to be the child in this relationship. You are suppose to be care free and happy. Not sad and depressed. You don't need the verbal abuse. You owe him nothing. Set the record staight that you are with him for pleasure and pleasure only. Take the attitude back to your wife. I say end it but that's just me. You are not a lapdog.
Ms. Red Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 jenna-ann, Did you even read the replies people took the time to post to you? You didn't even acknowledge anything anyone said to you. You just posted again almost as if it was an opening post and just asked more question. Re-read the replies. There's a lot of valuable advice in them. I wish you well.
BB07 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Hi, Sorry it has taken me so long to reply. Thank you for all the replies. I didn't tell you my thoughts about what has been happening as I wanted you all to tell me about what you thought. I will be honest now. I have already looked up sites on emotional abuse. I have already been reading what they say but I couldn't be sure if it was just me feeling down about stuff or whether there really was a chance this has been happening to me. I must say it never used to be like this but it is increasingly the case if I try to discuss my feelings he gets cross. Even if I don't go about it the right way all I am trying to do is talk. I can't pretend I don't see some familiar things when I read about it. It may not be as bad as some of the stuff I read but I do think I am not always been treated fairly. I tried recently to have a conversation about where things are heading. I am told that I am a soulmate and loved etc but then told he is not sure about being with me one day. It seems to contradict to me. I'll admit my behaviour has been difficult in that I do get upset a lot but that is frustration and I don't think I deserve a hard time for hurting from him. I am at a point where I can't see what more I can do. I can't see doubts about me vanishing. I also don't see where doubts come into play. If you really love someone and you believe they are your soulmate then wouldn't you want to make it happen? It hurts like hell that my character is doubted. I really have put in 100% to the relationship. The only thing I can think that I do wrong is get upset- but that is the situation. I am then told we have a future and not to give up but I just can't see how we can when he clearly has doubts. It hurts that it is being put on me. Makes me feel I am wrong to get upset and have feelings but I can't help hurting. It isn't giving me a chance. Why don't I have them? I can only think it is because I do totally love him and he can't feel as strongly. I don't know what more I can do. I really do put my all into the relationship and feel unsure what I can do to remove such doubts. Even if I put on a brave face to hurt I feel and hid it would that really be enough to convince him or would there be another issue? I just don't know what more I can do. I want this to work so very much. Jenna, didn't you read what some of us expressed to you??? This man is dangerous! You even said that you looked up info on emotionally abusive men but yet it doesn't seem that you are SEEING that your mm is one of them. He IS. He is jerking you back and forth like a fish on a line. He makes you feel like it's all your fault. He makes you feel that if you'd just do this or not do that, he wouldn't get upset with you. That is part of the abuse. Some people think that just because you aren't left with bruises that emotional abuse isn't as damaging, believe me, it IS. BTDT.
Spices Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Gross. He sounds overly controlling & emotionally manipulative. I'd drop him right away.
jthorne Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 OP, Please read this. Maybe it will help you.
Leto Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 There is something wrong with your MM. And you do not need to take that attitude from him (or any man). Granted you have feelings for him, but he is stomping all over those feelings. He is making you feel as though you are nothing to him. Or his insecurities are being pushed onto you. Either way, you deserve better. Let his wife have him! Let her deal with his crap.
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