What would you do about possible emotional affair starting

[Kivu]

How very altruistic of him. He likes to hear all the dirty details of who she's screwing and who she wants to screw, then he offers up his special "support" - is that his game? And apparently, he's been doing this all his adult life - sticking his nose in women's business (like looking through bedroom windows) and then offering "support." Oh brother.

 

And what a stand up guy - standing "in" for the absent boyfriend by spending the day with her. He's such a freakin LIAR, pretending he's totally innocent and getting mad at you if you even DARE to insinuate otherwise. He rates a 10+ on the creep factor scale.

 

His ass would be SO gone if it were me.

 

Yeah. It's sick when you look at it like that.

[xxoo]

Immediately after we left my husband shouted at me for being quiet and not talking, for my body language, and bitched at me about how I keep asking to go out with his friends and then I acted like that. I said, and please if you're still reading this, tell me if I was wrong. I said that I was excluded from the conversation and no one made an effort to include me, not even my husband. I didn't think that I should have interjected and tried to change the conversation to suit me; that really if three members of a group were ignoring the fourth then it was their problem, not mine. He got so angry about this. Said I always blame everyone but myself for my own problems (in this case, shyness).

 

I pointed at him at one point and he twisted my arm around behind my back until it hurt.

 

When we got home he recorded me so he could play it back the next day and let me know how irrational I was. So I said why on earth did you twist my arm, and you haven't even apologised. And why would you start shouting at me as soon as we'd left the restaurant, and why did you ignore me the entire time and focus on X. He refused to play it back yesterday, even though I said that I really would like us both to hear it. I think he's even deleted it.

 

Also at one point he said that he would rather die than be with me anymore since I was such an irrational bitch, and he took his penknife and pressed it against his arm. I just looked at him. Eventually he threw the penknife across the room.

.

 

Your husband is a sick man. He is emotionally and physically abusing you (has he put his hands on you before? these behaviors tend to escalate....).

 

The situation with X is "noise". It is getting a lot of attention and energy, but it just doesn't matter. The real issue is that your husband is sick and/or abusive, your relationship is sick and/or abusive, and you seem to be ok with the situation as long as he isn't chasing another woman?? Why???

 

I wouldn't push for MC. MC isn't advised for relationships involving emotional abuse. You would probably get some clarity and strength from IC, though.

[Kivu]

He tripped me the other week when I tried to reach for a bag...in public. Then he smacked at my hand later...didn't connect. He was really angry at me at the time because I didn't want to carry that bag, it was too heavy for me, and he didn't want to carry it either...

 

I was chopping onions one time and he told me to move so he could get a glass. I told him to wait a moment, so he picked the chopping board up and moved it, and shoved me out of the way, I nearly fell...not sure what he was angry about at that time.

 

Innumerable times where he was angry and grabbed my wrist so it hurt, or grabbed things from me.

 

One time he barricaded me in the bathroom when I was so upset I was crying hysterically. He wouldn't let me leave, kept moving his arms to block me, told me that I was seriously mentally ill since I was so upset. Not sure what that time was about.

 

So...this is not new...

 

Kind of sorry I started this thread now. Thanks for reminding me, guys :/

[carhill]

Now I know what the fear is. IMO, you need help (social/LEO) in real life. You're in an abusive relationship, both physically and mentally.

[Kivu]

He also broke a couple of my things in a rage about a year ago.

 

I bury this stuff, don't think about it - it's the only way I can cope.

 

He blames it all on me, too, makes me feel bad about the one time I smacked him (for calling me names, and telling me I'm boring and stupid and rude) and I feel so bad about smacking him two years ago that I let this other stuff pass.

 

So maybe it's both of us.

[carhill]

Yes, you're both in the relationship and each plays a role. If the relationship is unhealthy, at some point, you will have to decide if the status quo is more beneficial to life than change, or not. I hope that decision comes soon. This doesn't sound good at all.

 

Personally, I'd suggest calling an anonymous abuse hotline and getting referrals for real life help, especially counseling. There are free and low-cost services available.

 

The first step and first choice is yours. Good luck

[ComeUndone]

He also broke a couple of my things in a rage about a year ago.

 

I bury this stuff, don't think about it - it's the only way I can cope.

 

He blames it all on me, too, makes me feel bad about the one time I smacked him (for calling me names, and telling me I'm boring and stupid and rude) and I feel so bad about smacking him two years ago that I let this other stuff pass.

 

So maybe it's both of us.

 

Ok now this sounds exactly like my ex. He behaved the same way your husband is behaving: accusing me of being mental or crazy while he is the one actually behaving like that. He was abusive as well, smacking my hand away from him or kicking in doors or throwing my stuff around in his little fits of rage. And, like you, ONE TIME I socked him on the arm because he was right up in my face, towering over me being nasty in front of the kids... it was a reflex reaction more than anything else. Oh man did he throw that in my face at every opportunity. He used that one incident as an excuse to justify his own behavior, yet there is a huge difference between him actually being violent and unpredictable versus me having one "violent" reaction - I did not scare him, I did not hurt him, and I did not intimidate him yet he twisted my socking him on the arm into something he could always use against me. Granted I should not have done that, but pleeeeeeease.. gimme a break. Your husband is doing the very same thing to you. Something that helped me was doing my research - it will help you refocus on what you should be focused on right now, and that's YOU. You can't control him or what he does, but you can start working on yourself. Go get the book "Why Does He Do That?: Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. This book is crazy-good because it will help you make sense of what he is doing and will bring you real clarity.

 

Look, don't stay with him for the wrong reasons. Just because you want to make it work doesn't mean you should still be trying to make it work, not the way he's been behaving. Marriage requires 2 people, and clearly he's not focused on the marriage. He's not trustworthy and he's not acting like a husband, and furthermore he's being abusive to you and trying to downplay it like it's your fault. BS.

[Kivu]

Ok now this sounds exactly like my ex. He behaved the same way your husband is behaving: accusing me of being mental or crazy while he is the one actually behaving like that. He was abusive as well, smacking my hand away from him or kicking in doors or throwing my stuff around in his little fits of rage. And, like you, ONE TIME I socked him on the arm because he was right up in my face, towering over me being nasty in front of the kids... it was a reflex reaction more than anything else. Oh man did he throw that in my face at every opportunity. He used that one incident as an excuse to justify his own behavior, yet there is a huge difference between him actually being violent and unpredictable versus me having one "violent" reaction - I did not scare him, I did not hurt him, and I did not intimidate him yet he twisted my socking him on the arm into something he could always use against me. Granted I should not have done that, but pleeeeeeease.. gimme a break. Your husband is doing the very same thing to you. Something that helped me was doing my research - it will help you refocus on what you should be focused on right now, and that's YOU. You can't control him or what he does, but you can start working on yourself. Go get the book "Why Does He Do That?: Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. This book is crazy-good because it will help you make sense of what he is doing and will bring you real clarity.

 

Look, don't stay with him for the wrong reasons. Just because you want to make it work doesn't mean you should still be trying to make it work, not the way he's been behaving. Marriage requires 2 people, and clearly he's not focused on the marriage. He's not trustworthy and he's not acting like a husband, and furthermore he's being abusive to you and trying to downplay it like it's your fault. BS.

 

Oh, thank you so much. I was hoping there would be a post like this. You definitely know what I’m going through, although thankfully there aren’t any children.

 

I agree with you 100%. He’s not acting like a husband, and he is using that as an excuse for all his behaviour.

 

He told me yesterday that he’s not happy with our relationship, not happy with our arguments. I said fine, let’s talk about issues. He said we’ve already spent so much time on our issues it’s worthless, and besides, he doesn’t talk about his issues so they don’t get dealt with. I said okay, here, we have plenty of time. Let’s talk about your issues.

 

So we tried, he got annoyed with my response, and told me that we should drop it. I said I am responding in the only way that I can, and if we have to drop an issue before it’s even been raised it will never be dealt with. He seemed to concede the point, but still didn’t want to talk about it.

 

He doesn’t want to leave me, he doesn’t want a divorce. He’s just unhappy about our relationship, but he doesn’t want to work on it.

 

I said that I know he’s unhappy, and that makes me unhappy, and could we please work on it, and he said it’s worthless trying. (This is not new. He’s said that since the very first argument, that it’s worthless to try and work on it.)

 

Last night he said I was driving him to drinking (he drinks because he likes to, not because of me, that’s for sure), to self-harm (he was trying to manipulate me by doing that, he wasn’t going to actually hurt himself) and to overloading on stress. I LOVE how he’s blaming all this on me.

 

I’m really not sure what to do now. I still love the idiot, and am fully aware he’s acting like a certified *******. I can’t trust him, and I’m not sure what to do about all of this.

[GivingBack]

My advice would be to confront him. Think about it before you confront him, and make sure you're cool, calm, and collected. Yelling and freaking out will just make him think you're crazy. Come to him with facts and examples of what you saw, and how it made you feel. Admit that you shouldn't have been looking in his phone, but that you did because you felt something was wrong.

 

This is how emotional affairs start. I know because it happened to me, and it gets much worse. It starts off with innocent texts, calls, etc.

 

Don't freak out, but nip it before it gets out of control. State your boundaries and if he can't abide by them, then you need to consider getting out of the relationship for someone who wouldn't emotionally cheat on you.

 

Good luck.

[GivingBack]

Do you think that he honestly will never have another emotional affair again? My boyfriend of 4.5 years had two. On the second I confronted him and made serious boundaries. He swears it will never happen again. I believe him, but my trust has not come back yet completely... can people change with something like this? Do you think your partner is truly loyal and how bad was your EA?

[Whatshername]

WAKE THE F UP!!!!!!!!

 

He wants her and he is going to wait until SHE makes the move and then he will go for it and it will be her who he blames.

 

Trust me, I know this. If they are going to a party and you are not invited, and you allow it, then I would say that you are not so bright. She will wear the slutty dress, entice him and do not be surprised if he drinks too much and comes back with lipstick on his collar.

 

He has lost respect for you, in emotionally leaning on her and subconsciously baiting her for intimate and sexual information. Anything you do will be held against you and he will defend her to no end.

 

Mark my words. The reason being.......is so he can defend his actions. He is doing nothing wrong, it will be HER when something does transpire......and it will.

 

I agree......tell him to cut contact/end it, or he can have her but not you. Respect yourself.

 

This happened to me, almost exactly, except it was an old gf. I told him this:

 

You cannot have your cake and eat it too. This cake will get iced elsewhere.

 

 

Keep us posted........but if I were you, I'd take the high road now, because soon, the quicksand will engulf you.

[Goldenspoon]

WAKE THE F UP!!!!!!!!

 

He wants her and he is going to wait until SHE makes the move and then he will go for it and it will be her who he blames.

 

Trust me, I know this. If they are going to a party and you are not invited, and you allow it, then I would say that you are not so bright. She will wear the slutty dress, entice him and do not be surprised if he drinks too much and comes back with lipstick on his collar.

 

He has lost respect for you, in emotionally leaning on her and subconsciously baiting her for intimate and sexual information. Anything you do will be held against you and he will defend her to no end.

 

Mark my words. The reason being.......is so he can defend his actions. He is doing nothing wrong, it will be HER when something does transpire......and it will.

 

I agree......tell him to cut contact/end it, or he can have her but not you. Respect yourself.

 

This happened to me, almost exactly, except it was an old gf. I told him this:

 

You cannot have your cake and eat it too. This cake will get iced elsewhere.

 

 

Keep us posted........but if I were you, I'd take the high road now, because soon, the quicksand will engulf you.

 

Whatshername got it right on.

[dbtmarley]

Wow Kivu this has got to be painful for you and I am sorry you are going through it. You know if it was just the emotional affair I would say set some boundaries and work together to get the relationship back on track.

 

But it's more than that. I agree with others in that your husband does not respect you. How dare he? And remember this is no fault of yours, he is solely responsible for his actions. If he was unhappy in any aspect of the marriage he should have been an adult and spoke up. Yep, this is his own doing.

 

And this behavior towards you like you are less than is totally unacceptable. As children we just can't wait to reach adulthood to get out from our parent's grasp. To finally reach adulthood and be treated like a child by someone who is not your father is not what you hoped for I'm sure. You should be asking yourself, "Who the hell does he think he is?".

 

It's time to do some hard thinking and the advice you've received up to now is spot on. I would even take it a step further by saying seek legal counsel to get this bum out of your life. There is someone out there who will cherish you and this chap ain't doing nothing but blocking you from finding your prince.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

This thread is absolutely heartbreaking. Kiva, I hope you truly understand you deserve better.

 

I know you don't want to leave your marriage, but know that this is not a marriage. His emotional affair is likely to turn physical, and it seems that his way of dealing with his guilt over it is being more abusive to you. You seem like a wonderful person and I want you really know there is someone better out there for you. Nobody deserves to have to go through this.

[Whatshername]

I am, sorry that I was so blunt. It hurts, I know it does, it hurts because the very person whom you gave your heart to, is not having your best interest at heart any longer.

 

Whenever my friends and family tried to tell me that I was not seeing things that were right in from of me, I defended him and believed in him, even though his actions were questionable. In the past, I had never, ever doubted him, his integrity was so admirable and I always felt he was a man of honor. That was why, even though a few things did not add up, I easily gave him the benefit of the doubt. We were not even married, so I can only imagine how it would feel if he had been my husband.

 

I would try to face him head on. Make him see that you are not going to tolerate being disrespected and he has to decide what his priority is. I mean it's not like you are asking him whether he wants to spend Christmas at his parents or yours for goodness sake, this is about trust, and fidelity!

He must show you that your feeling matter and that he cares about you first and foremost.

 

I guess I wrote such a harsh note, because it amazes me that women, including myself refuse to stand firm and stand up for themselves, out of fear of rocking the boat. Rock it and let him either swim to you, or sink with her. You are important. I learned that my guy disrespected me, because I did not show him that I respected myself. We are worth more than being treated that way.

[Kivu]

I wish I could hug all of you. Thank you so much for spending the time helping me.

 

I did pick up that book "Why Does He Do That" and he fits Mr Right and the Water Torturer with a dash of Drill Sergeant mixed in. I gasped at the point where the author said something like "If you are with a Drill Sergeant you are probably hiding this book under the mattress" because that is precisely what I'm doing. He would seriously get angry if he knew I was reading it.

 

Last Friday he hit me, in the back. He was angry at me and doing his new technique of fake sobbing (it's to manipulate me, which he will even admit). We were walking somewhere AND I WASN'T EVEN IN FRONT OF HIM when he accused me of being in his way. I said, "But honey, I'm not" and then he hit me, saying "Yes, you are."

 

I turned around and walked away. He caught up with me and said that "You don't even deserve going out with me because of the way you treated me" so I did an about-face and walked the other way again. I ended up at my work, where I called my friend, sobbing. She let me into her house, where I cried for about an hour in her back bedroom.

 

He called me 20 times and I didn't answer, and he texted, over and over. Finally I answered. He persuaded me that he felt terrible and would never do it again and he wanted to talk to me about everything and finally sort it all out and have a good life with me.

 

So I went to talk to him.

 

Everything was fine until last night when I was playing around and accidentally hurt him, at which point he smacked me. I told him that I was angry he hurt me intentionally when I hurt him accidentally. He did his fake crying thing again and accused me of ruining all the good feeling we'd built up over the weekend. That I shouldn't have made an issue of it, because he of course does not make an issue of things.

 

I must say I'm 95% of the way out of this stupid relationship. I wish to god I didn't love the dickhead.

 

You guys are all helping, by the way, and please keep responding. It's making me feel that maybe I'm not the problem.

[denise_xo]

I wish I could hug all of you. Thank you so much for spending the time helping me.

 

I did pick up that book "Why Does He Do That" and he fits Mr Right and the Water Torturer with a dash of Drill Sergeant mixed in. I gasped at the point where the author said something like "If you are with a Drill Sergeant you are probably hiding this book under the mattress" because that is precisely what I'm doing. He would seriously get angry if he knew I was reading it.

 

Last Friday he hit me, in the back. He was angry at me and doing his new technique of fake sobbing (it's to manipulate me, which he will even admit). We were walking somewhere AND I WASN'T EVEN IN FRONT OF HIM when he accused me of being in his way. I said, "But honey, I'm not" and then he hit me, saying "Yes, you are."

 

I turned around and walked away. He caught up with me and said that "You don't even deserve going out with me because of the way you treated me" so I did an about-face and walked the other way again. I ended up at my work, where I called my friend, sobbing. She let me into her house, where I cried for about an hour in her back bedroom.

 

He called me 20 times and I didn't answer, and he texted, over and over. Finally I answered. He persuaded me that he felt terrible and would never do it again and he wanted to talk to me about everything and finally sort it all out and have a good life with me.

 

So I went to talk to him.

 

Everything was fine until last night when I was playing around and accidentally hurt him, at which point he smacked me. I told him that I was angry he hurt me intentionally when I hurt him accidentally. He did his fake crying thing again and accused me of ruining all the good feeling we'd built up over the weekend. That I shouldn't have made an issue of it, because he of course does not make an issue of things.

 

I must say I'm 95% of the way out of this stupid relationship. I wish to god I didn't love the dickhead.

 

You guys are all helping, by the way, and please keep responding. It's making me feel that maybe I'm not the problem.

 

Kivu, I'm so glad you're taking some steps here. There is absolutely no question that you are in an abusive relationship. I know it hurts, but it doesn't really matter if you love this dickhead or not. He's a DICKHEAD. You want to live the rest of your life with that?

 

Walk away, Kivu, and for good this time. Mobilise whatever you have of friends and family around you to support you, and tell them exactly what is going on. Go NC - don't answer his calls or text messages. Get a lawyer. Keep posting. Hugs to you.

[Kivu]

You know, if I was thinking rationally I would do that. Unfortunately I'm not thinking rationally and I can see that I am - I guess I don't want to think rationally about it. That book says that most abused women take a "wait and see" approach, that they wait for something really egregious to happen before they finally put an end to it, and you know, that's me. And I can see myself thinking it, over and over, and I know I'm being manipulated and used and all of that, but I still think, he's intelligent and brilliant and funny and fun and (sometimes) sweet and cute.

 

I can't tell you how weird the cognitive dissonance is to know that I'm thinking and acting in a way that I logically know is wrong, but can't or won't change.

 

And I know if I was my friend I would have shouted at myself to ****ing leave the goddamned bloody bastard.

 

We've been married four years and I love him to bits, always have, and I just can't force myself to hurt him, because I *would* hurt him by leaving him, so I don't know. So mixed up. Can't afford counselling, need to sort it out myself.

[denise_xo]

You know, if I was thinking rationally I would do that. Unfortunately I'm not thinking rationally and I can see that I am - I guess I don't want to think rationally about it. That book says that most abused women take a "wait and see" approach, that they wait for something really egregious to happen before they finally put an end to it, and you know, that's me. And I can see myself thinking it, over and over, and I know I'm being manipulated and used and all of that, but I still think, he's intelligent and brilliant and funny and fun and (sometimes) sweet and cute.

 

I can't tell you how weird the cognitive dissonance is to know that I'm thinking and acting in a way that I logically know is wrong, but can't or won't change.

 

And I know if I was my friend I would have shouted at myself to ****ing leave the goddamned bloody bastard.

 

We've been married four years and I love him to bits, always have, and I just can't force myself to hurt him, because I *would* hurt him by leaving him, so I don't know. So mixed up. Can't afford counselling, need to sort it out myself.

 

It's very understandable that you're feeling that way, and you'll just have to go through your own process in terms of moving this forward. But just a few reflections for you to think about:

 

I understand that you love him, but love can't always be enough, and it's not true that love 'conquers' all. I loved an alcoholic once. When he was 'good', he was sweet, funny, intelligent, spiritual, great company, good lover, etc etc. When he was drunk, he was a total *******. When we called that project off, I still loved him and I still think back on the 'real' him, the person that was buried beneath all the issues, with a lot of affection. But 'love' just wasn't going to cut it and the relationship dynamics when he was drunk affected both of us very negatively. So in the case of your husband, it might be that you have to find a different format for loving him than your marriage, if that makes sense. You don't have to let go of the love you have for the good parts of him. But for your own safety, you have to remove yourself from the abuse. And while it would hurt him in the short run if you left him, it might actually make him better off in the long run, as it might force him to address his issues. As long as you play along and accept all his psychopathic behaviour at the expense of your own mental and physical health, you're indirectly facilitating his weaknesses. In other words, you might think you're doing him a favour by staying, but in many ways you're really not.

 

Also, there are lots of intelligent, brilliant, fun, sweet, cute men out there who DON'T abuse their wives.

 

Keep posting and in the absence of counselling, I hope you have friends and/or family who are supporting you.

[xxoo]

Kivu, I am so glad you are doing this reading and seeing the parallels to your own situation. It isn't you, he is abusive and manipulative. He won't get better. You can't fix him.

 

You can't make him better. You can only control you. You CAN make your situation better!

 

I understand that you won't leave until you are ready. Still, do you have a plan to leave? If you needed to leave tomorrow, could you? Work on your plan, so that when (not if) the day comes that you say "Enough!", you can walk immediately. Leaving can be a dangerous time for women in abusive relationships. Make sure you are prepared to make a quick and safe exit.

 

Keep reading, and keep your eyes open. Remember--love shouldn't hurt! A man who loves you should never, EVER hit you. Ever.

[ComeUndone]

I wish I could hug all of you. Thank you so much for spending the time helping me.

 

I did pick up that book "Why Does He Do That" and he fits Mr Right and the Water Torturer with a dash of Drill Sergeant mixed in. I gasped at the point where the author said something like "If you are with a Drill Sergeant you are probably hiding this book under the mattress" because that is precisely what I'm doing. He would seriously get angry if he knew I was reading it.

 

Last Friday he hit me, in the back. He was angry at me and doing his new technique of fake sobbing (it's to manipulate me, which he will even admit). We were walking somewhere AND I WASN'T EVEN IN FRONT OF HIM when he accused me of being in his way. I said, "But honey, I'm not" and then he hit me, saying "Yes, you are."

 

I turned around and walked away. He caught up with me and said that "You don't even deserve going out with me because of the way you treated me" so I did an about-face and walked the other way again. I ended up at my work, where I called my friend, sobbing. She let me into her house, where I cried for about an hour in her back bedroom.

 

He called me 20 times and I didn't answer, and he texted, over and over. Finally I answered. He persuaded me that he felt terrible and would never do it again and he wanted to talk to me about everything and finally sort it all out and have a good life with me.

 

So I went to talk to him.

 

Everything was fine until last night when I was playing around and accidentally hurt him, at which point he smacked me. I told him that I was angry he hurt me intentionally when I hurt him accidentally. He did his fake crying thing again and accused me of ruining all the good feeling we'd built up over the weekend. That I shouldn't have made an issue of it, because he of course does not make an issue of things.

 

I must say I'm 95% of the way out of this stupid relationship. I wish to god I didn't love the dickhead.

 

You guys are all helping, by the way, and please keep responding. It's making me feel that maybe I'm not the problem.

 

Good for you for picking up that book. It was my bible when I was still married, and like you, I hid it from him also. Like your husband, my ex fit the Drill Sergeant and Mr Right as well, and had characteristics of some of the others but I can't remember off hand. I still read that book from time to time because I have to deal with the ex in court periodically. He constantly tells me how he's learned from his mistakes and how he's a completely different person now. He is NOT... he is the same POS he always was, and so will yours be.

 

The incident you describe above, well I had a very similar thing happen with him. We were in a fight and he started making statements about going to his moms house for the night... with our young son and after he'd had a few drinks. He had also dropped some hints about being suicidal, maybe doing something stupid that night - another favorite tactic of his. There was no way in hell I was going to let him take our son under those circumstances, and I found it really scary that he was pushing for it. I knew it was to get a reaction out of me, and that he did. He wasn't going to take him. I threw on a robe because it was the quickest thing to put on, I scooped up my son and my purse and ran out the front door and around the corner. I was cold and barefoot and terrified - he had this way of presenting new, even uglier sides of him I had never seen. I called my sister as I ran down the street and she immediately came to pick me up, and as we drove off he was marching down the street trying to catch up to me. And he too called me numerous times in a row - he always did that.

 

Guys like yours and mine (my ex) are scary and unpredictable. Once the abuse starts it's not going to go away. Listen to him - does it sound like he is really sorry?? No, he blames you. Men who are sorry don't continue to make the same mistakes over and over and over... don't his apologies feel very empty to you? It's actions that get ya somewhere and I guarantee that his actions don't back up his words. He's a fraud.

 

That book says that most abused women take a "wait and see" approach, that they wait for something really egregious to happen before they finally put an end to it, and you know, that's me. And I can see myself thinking it, over and over, and I know I'm being manipulated and used and all of that, but I still think, he's intelligent and brilliant and funny and fun and (sometimes) sweet and cute.

 

We've been married four years and I love him to bits, always have, and I just can't force myself to hurt him, because I *would* hurt him by leaving him, so I don't know. So mixed up. Can't afford counselling, need to sort it out myself.

 

...And this was me too. I had so much on him right from the beginning that I could have left the first year. But I waited and waited, hoping things would get better. Then I had a kid with him - not the smartest thing I could have done (I'm really speaking here about a series of bad decisions, but of course I love my son and wouldn't change a thing about him). Things continued to get worse, the abuse got worse - the gaslighting, the lying, the deceit. I almost wanted to put myself in his way when he was raging, place myself on the other side of the bedroom door because I knew sure as sh*t that he would kick it in once he discovered I had locked it to keep him out, but I was too scared to do that. But then he cheated, and there was my out. Why I waited so long I can't tell you, but I was scared like you and I just didn't have anything "obvious", anything that was a provable, mainstream deal-breaker. I was DONE at that point, that was it, but I was emotionally done years before that. I would hate to see you stay in a miserable marriage simply because you hope things will get better. They won't because he's got some real issues.

 

Keep posting here... the talking always helped me.

[Whatshername]

My ex h never hit me, but he did the "look what you made me do" crap that made my head spin.

 

Once, while TRYING to discuss our marriage...he walks off, gets on the stairmaster, put his headphones on. So he ignores me, and walks out rudely. . So, I go into the garage, and reached up and took his headphones off, and said, I really would like to speak about this now, as he was stepping away on the machine, not even making eye contact with me. He stopped, stared at me and said, oh now you have hit me! He got off, changed his shoes, put on his jacket and said, Now I have to leave the house, see what you have made me do? And wait until I tell the lawyer you hit me.

 

He would also say ugly mean things to me, in very quiet voice. Then, when I would get upset, he'd say, why are YOU so upset, what is wrong with you?

 

This kind of crazy-making is absurd. No one deserves to be belittled and chastised, criticized and demeaned by their significant other.

 

A good book is Inside the "Minds of Angry Men"....you will want to purchase it, but I cannot remember the author.

 

Until I read it, I never realized that it was really not me. He made me feel like everything was all me, all my fault.

[ComeUndone]

This kind of crazy-making is absurd. No one deserves to be belittled and chastised, criticized and demeaned by their significant other.

 

A good book is Inside the "Minds of Angry Men"....you will want to purchase it, but I cannot remember the author.

 

I think you are talking about the same book I suggested earlier: 'Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft. It's a fantastic book... helped me tremendously when I was living in hell with my ex.

 

The crazy-making was the most maddening... I started to think I was losing my mind. He'd say he told me things that he did NOT tell me, or that I never told him things that I DID tell him, he would never stick to the subject but would instead jump all over the place so you can't keep track, he'd accuse me of the very things he was guilty of, and take credit for things he didn't do. Every insult, every door kicked in, every object thrown was justified in his eyes. He was just horrible, but not ALL the time... see, if he were that way all the time it'd be a lot easier for us to leave, and they KNOW that. They have to turn on the charm from time to time to keep you hooked.

[Kivu]

Yes, that's the book I have.

 

It's funny, every once in a while he threatens to leave me over little things, like my lack of memory (that was last year) or not initiating enough (Christmas Eve, lovely time, that) or simply that he's unhappy (January). I think it's about fifteen times in all, although a couple of them were a bit iffy so not sure about counting them. Until I got that book I really thought that he wanted to leave me, but now I know it's just an abusive tactic...

 

Oh yes, I have a plan. I have my passport, my credit card, banking information and marriage certificate in my desk at work, since December. (Have I mentioned we've been married four years and since we eloped he hasn't yet decided to tell his parents/friends? That secret will be out the instant we're not together any more, since I will scan and email our marriage certificate to everyone we know.) One of my good friends knows exactly what he's been doing and has offered her spare room to me on more than one occasion, and he has no idea where she lives.

 

What I really want is to kick him out of our apartment. I have tried to tell him to just leave a couple of times, but he will tell me he doesn't want to, he didn't really mean it (He threatens to leave me and then says "It was just to shut you up" or "You get in these moods where you just go on and on and it's the only way to stop you" - in my defence, it's always HIM that talks over ME and I have to sit and listen for hours and can't defend myself or I'm the one who is dominating the conversation!).

 

I do want our apartment, but I do have a backup plan if everything goes tits up.

 

So what am I supposed to do? Half of me wants to kick the other half. I can see myself responding exactly how he wants just to keep the peace. I wish I didn't, but there you go.

 

Right now, do you remember when I got angry at him for smacking me when I hurt him accidentally? He's still giving me grief about it this morning. Yeah, he gets to hit me on the back on Friday, gets to smack me on Sunday, and then says it's my fault and still be pissy at me on Tuesday. He says he didn't mean to hurt me and how could I treat him so poorly by suggesting that he did, and I need to take CONCRETE STEPS (I have heard that phrase so many times I get physically ill hearing it) to make sure it NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN. And I need to tell him NOW what I'm going to do or I'm just going to repeat the same actions OVER AND OVER the way I always do.

 

I don't even want to go home tonight.

[Kivu]

He'd say he told me things that he did NOT tell me, or that I never told him things that I DID tell him, he would never stick to the subject but would instead jump all over the place so you can't keep track, he'd accuse me of the very things he was guilty of, and take credit for things he didn't do. Every insult, every door kicked in, every object thrown was justified in his eyes. He was just horrible, but not ALL the time... see, if he were that way all the time it'd be a lot easier for us to leave, and they KNOW that. They have to turn on the charm from time to time to keep you hooked.

 

Yeah. He said he told me to cook dinner, well, he didn't. He said I promised to, but I didn't. I have this horrible, terrible memory, see, where I can't keep that information in my brain.