Nexus One Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 I disagree. I don't interrogate a guy about his life goals on a first date. Oh come on, in the first few dates then. In any case before things get serious. - Do you ever want kids? - Do you want to get married any time soon? - You run your own company, oh cool/bummer! See how that works? Nobody is going to convince me it'll take years to obtain that kind of information. That information can be obtained well before things get serious. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 I think it's reasonable to worry about compatibility in this case. This guy is most likely going nowhere career-wise. And I understand it's hard for many women to respect a guy like that. I understand, because I'd have a hard time respecting a guy like that. I don't think it's true that a person needs to have an education to be intelligent or interesting to talk to or be around. College education is more an indication of earning power and lifestyle choice than it is an indication of whether someone would be fun to be around or even a reliable provider. A job at McDonald's is good when you're in high school. Unless you're a manager. But even then, I don't think I'd be bragging about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Knittress Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 I suspect that most people, whether they're willing to admit it or not, would resent spending their life supporting someone that doesn't contribute equally to the partnership. Who cares if it's unromantic, it's life. Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Well I was pointing to the fact that she left him over her material desires and her feeling that he would be leeching off of her once she obtained the stuff she wanted. It wasnt just about material desires - he also had no ambition to do anything, not even traveling to nice places, or learning to play an instrument or speak a language, or training for a sports event - he had absolutely no ambitions of any sort. He didn't want to achieve anything to be proud of, he didn't even go out and do any hobbies. All he wanted to do was play video games and watch football, and I found this incredibly boring. As far as material desires go, I realized that being with him would scupper my own desires. For example: it takes two people to buy a house nowadays, so if he didn't contribute then I couldn't have a house, because I couldn't buy one all by myself. It wasn't just about me "carrying" him, it was also to do with the fact that if he didn't contribute then I would be excluded from things which require two people's input. I wanted a man who shared my goals and was prepared to contribute equally to achieving them. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 I suspect that most people, whether they're willing to admit it or not, would resent spending their life supporting someone that doesn't contribute equally to the partnership. Who cares if it's unromantic, it's life. There are lots of couples who contribute equally to their partnership but not necessarily in a financial way. For both people to have similar earnings and be contributing the same amount of money to the pot is very rare - especially when children start arriving. Maybe this guy would make a great 'house-husband', with his wife taking over the childcare in the evening so he can go out to teach at his martial arts school. Anyway I don't think this is about money or ambition - she doesn't love him, so it's over. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 She made the choice, essentially to judge him without engaging him. I saw no evidence of cogent and topical communication. To the contrary. She said: I am enrolled in graduate school, and I am working very hard to create a successful future for myself. My boyfriend only has his GED at 22-years-old, and he has spent the past four years working at McDonalds. He has no intention of ever going to college. He is obsessed with martial arts, and endeavors to open his own martial arts school someday instead (he doesn't have the money, so I'm not sure how he intends to do this). He wants me to be by his side to help him open his martial arts school, but all I can imagine is myself working hard to provide money for him to practice karate all day. To me, this all shows that he's not only TOLD her that he has no ambition (or what little ambition he has, he wants HER to pay for), but that he's actually shown her he has no ambition but his current career/job choice. I merely applied the appropriate description. It accurately describes the dynamic, based on the OP, IMO. Appropriate description? Accurate description of the dynamic? I couldn't disagree more. You were snarky in your description of how she values ambition and being an equal partner. There's nothing wrong with being concerned about whether or not they share the same values. With your choice of words, you entirely disregarded her feelings, and put her down, saying that he should be "relieved" of her. Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 I think it's reasonable to worry about compatibility in this case. This guy is most likely going nowhere career-wise. And I understand it's hard for many women to respect a guy like that. I understand, because I'd have a hard time respecting a guy like that. I don't think it's true that a person needs to have an education to be intelligent or interesting to talk to or be around. College education is more an indication of earning power and lifestyle choice than it is an indication of whether someone would be fun to be around or even a reliable provider. A job at McDonald's is good when you're in high school. Unless you're a manager. But even then, I don't think I'd be bragging about it. I have friends who never went to college. All I can talk about w them are sports and women. I can't talk about politics, history, philosophy, etc. I can be friends with such people. But I would go nuts if I had to spend most of my time w them. Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 He has no intention of ever going to college. This would be reason enough for me to not date/break up with someone. It's a dealbreaker for me FWIW. However. . . He is obsessed with martial arts, and endeavors to open his own martial arts school someday instead (he doesn't have the money, so I'm not sure how he intends to do this). This IS technically an ambition. Whether it's realistic or not, whether he has the motivation to do what it takes or not. . . these are different questions, but he does have a goal. However, it can still be one you find incompatible or you could recognize he doesn't have the follow-through to make it happen. He has been bringing up the subject of marriage recently, but when I imagine us together in five years, I can picture myself being the only breadwinner. He wants me to be by his side to help him open his martial arts school, but all I can imagine is myself working hard to provide money for him to practice karate all day. He seems...immature. Is it unreasonable for me to want to break up with him, based on the fact that he will probably never be able to provide any type of financial support? No. When forming a road map for your future, there's nothing unreasonable about saying, "This person doesn't fit into that," so long as you do what makes you happiest in the long run and you do it with integrity. However, I think when you marry someone, it is something you stick through in "rich or poor" times. Still, saying, "This person's goals and skills don't align with mine" before marriage is another story. Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 Im wondering though if the situation was in reverse. He were the one w/ ambition while she were the one with little ambition, would he consider dumping her? Personally I doubt it. He would probably be fine with it. I guess its just another example of the difference between men and women thing. Link to post Share on other sites
dispatch3d Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 Meh, I never understand these. Cool and smart girls who go out with losers. And yeah the guys a loser. Anyhow, carry on. Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 Im wondering though if the situation was in reverse. He were the one w/ ambition while she were the one with little ambition, would he consider dumping her? Personally I doubt it. He would probably be fine with it. I guess its just another example of the difference between men and women thing. This is a thread about an individual in a relationship with another individual. It's silly to make it about gender. If a man came in and posted the same thing, about his GF, I'd give the same advice. The fact is, you have a right to be unhappy and assess the relationship isn't for you, especially pre-marriage, and that's the time to do it. People get to choose what they're fine with. FTR, I know guys who only date girls who are college-educated as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts