broken-and-lost Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 I sent my ex a birthday cake and card, it didn't make any difference to how she feels, well she is always mixed on signals, It didn't hurt or help my feelings either way but i felt better for doing it just because i wanted to do something nice. Just don't do it expecting anything if your sending it because you want her to call and try again your just better off writing to her and telling her how your feeling as sending a card really should just be because your wishing someone well on there b-day Link to post Share on other sites
justletgox51 Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 You see Skee, you are uncertain about what to do and what not to do for your ex-girlfriend's birthday. I think you should think about this quote: "If you don't know what to do, do nothing. And if you don't know what to say, say nothing." My ex-boyfriend's birthday is coming up too and he already deleted/blocked me on Facebook, ignore me at school, basically I can't text anyone nor call anyone unless emergencies-- so it leaves me to just nothing. Plus, I think about that quote and sometimes I'm uncertain whether to just say, "Happy birthday" to another person to tell them for me or to just leave it as it is. Just let it be, Skee. I'm only 15 and I'm sure you're much older than I am, but for a girl who dumped her boyfriend, I don't think it would be a great idea (if you guys ended in bad terms). But if you two ended in good terms, then a simple "Happy birthday." Will do just fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skee Posted February 6, 2011 Author Share Posted February 6, 2011 I sent my ex a birthday cake and card, it didn't make any difference to how she feels, well she is always mixed on signals, It didn't hurt or help my feelings either way but i felt better for doing it just because i wanted to do something nice. Just don't do it expecting anything if your sending it because you want her to call and try again your just better off writing to her and telling her how your feeling as sending a card really should just be because your wishing someone well on there b-day thanks for sharing your story yeah if I send a card, it would be just because I still care for her. I wouldn't do it "just to get her to talk to me again", because we already were talking and were friends for 2 months post-breakup before I was the one who made the decision to go NC (as I explained to her, I love her too much to just be friends). Obviously no response would sting a little bit, but I think I can live with that more than I can live with ignoring her birthday and wondering "what if?" When I gave her the "all or nothing for us" speech and told her we couldn't just be friends anymore, one of the last things she said to me was that "she didn't know what to do". So if my NC had the effects that work in my favor (she now truly sees what life without me is like and is having second thoughts) am I also hoping the card has a small positive effect towards future reconciliation? Of course. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skee Posted February 6, 2011 Author Share Posted February 6, 2011 You see Skee, you are uncertain about what to do and what not to do for your ex-girlfriend's birthday. I think you should think about this quote: "If you don't know what to do, do nothing. And if you don't know what to say, say nothing." My ex-boyfriend's birthday is coming up too and he already deleted/blocked me on Facebook, ignore me at school, basically I can't text anyone nor call anyone unless emergencies-- so it leaves me to just nothing. Plus, I think about that quote and sometimes I'm uncertain whether to just say, "Happy birthday" to another person to tell them for me or to just leave it as it is. Just let it be, Skee. I'm only 15 and I'm sure you're much older than I am, but for a girl who dumped her boyfriend, I don't think it would be a great idea (if you guys ended in bad terms). But if you two ended in good terms, then a simple "Happy birthday." Will do just fine. justletgox51: I'm sorry to hear about your situation. In your case, especially at 15 (you have a lifetime worth of relationship experience ahead of you) I would definitely stay NC to heal and move on. I see the logic/reasoning behind this quote... "If you don't know what to do, do nothing. And if you don't know what to say, say nothing." but then again, you're yet another female who is telling me... But if you two ended in good terms, then a simple "Happy birthday." Will do just fine. Like I've said, we were friends after the breakup and I went NC on good terms. If 99% of the females are telling me to do it, either it's a good idea, or I'm so wrong it isn't even funny Link to post Share on other sites
SithLord Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 I have a month of NC and my X bday is on 13th! Shes not hearing from me...my first love bday of couple years ago is the 18th and although we dont speak no more cuz of her again lol, when we first broke up in 07 i did not contact her for her bday and she felt the effects hard.. DONT NOT CONTACT FOR HER BDAY PERIODDDD OR YOU SHALL PAY HARD FOR IT...NO MERCY.. Link to post Share on other sites
Trovador Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 It's useless, the OP will contact his ex not matter what... I'd like him to post a follow up and prove me wrong... And I still don't get it, if the OP went NC of his own volition, why he is now initiating contact? Wouldn't it be easier going back to talking terms? *scratches head* Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skee Posted February 7, 2011 Author Share Posted February 7, 2011 Trovador: I definitely haven't made a decision yet. If I was intent on acknowledging her birthday "no matter what", I wouldn't even have made this thread, because I knew I might get replies that I wouldn't want to hear. But I wanted a variety of honest opinions, no matter how I felt about them. I made the decision to go NC because even though we stayed friends after the breakup, I realized I would never have any chance of getting back together with her if I was "just a friend". I had to let her feel the absence of me, hopefully have her miss me/have second thoughts about the breakup, and make her realize it's truly all or nothing for us now. Would it be easier to just go back to talking terms? definitely not...like I've said, being her "friend" for 2 months post-breakup was pure emotional torture...NC hurts a lot, and I mean a lot, but it's nothing compared to the emotional roller coaster of having a friendship with an ex that you still have feelings for. I appreciate and understand the logic behind your advice (and anyone else who has said "forget her birthday, stay NC no matter what") but this is someone I love and still care for, someone who I stayed friends with after the breakup, someone who I'm still on good terms with, someone who already knows how I feel about her... ...so will a simple acknowledgment of her birthday (card or text) really do any real damage in terms of future reconciliation at this point? one more thing: I've gotten opinions from females across the spectrum (in my personal life, here on LS, girls in happy relationships, girls who are/were dumpers, girls who are/were dumpees, etc.)...why are 98% of them telling me to acknowledge her birthday if it's so wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
justletgox51 Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 When is her birthday? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skee Posted February 8, 2011 Author Share Posted February 8, 2011 ^^^ Feb. 19, so I still have 12 days to decide...more like 8-9 days if I decide to send a card I think the fact that I will stay NC throughout Valentine's Day (5 days before her birthday) will be a big help too...it's a 100% consensus from all of our mutual friends that they think she'll want to at least hear from me on Valentine's Day, and nothing can say "it's all or nothing for us" more than complete silence on that day...it's a day for relationships, and we're not together...if NC is having the effects I want, Valentine's Day is coming at the perfect time I'm guessing it will also make any birthday acknowledgment from me (only a few days after Valentine's Day) even more unexpected, and in my hopes, have a more positive effect after being sad/hurt/lonely/whatever after not hearing from me on Valentine's Day I'm still 50/50 on what to do, and I know it might seem like I'm really arguing for acknowledging her birthday, but that's only because it comes with a lot of different opinions and a lot of gray area...the other viewpoint (don't acknowledge her birthday, stay NC) is pretty clear and I completely understand why, so there's not much room for debate opinions still appreciated from all, especially females Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 My opinion still stands in sticking with the NC. Regardless of how amicable the break up was, it's still a break up. What exactly are your expectations in terms of a response? If she's always wanted to maintain a friendship, if you break NC and reach out to her, she's going to see it as an invitation to strike up conversations and contact again.... But the reality is that she's still "unsure" about reconciliation- and that's reason enough to stick to the NC. You yourself stated that trying to be friends was more painful than the NC- so why would you willfully open the lines of communication again? She knows you want to be with her- and she's not reciprocating that sentiment, and as hard as it is to imagine missing out on saying happy birthday, I think you'd be setting yourself up for a set-back in your recovery by reaching out. It may seem like a harmless gesture, but you'd be risking striking up contact again and taking yourself right back to square one. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, are always the hardest to get through post break up. It's easy to frame an acknowledgement as "something you should do" because you're thinking of it as a significant "date"... But in reality, post break up, these days should be treated as "just another day of NC". Don't think of her b-day as a free pass to break NC- it's just a Tuesday like every other Tuesday. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skee Posted February 8, 2011 Author Share Posted February 8, 2011 (edited) D-Lish: I literally can't even counter one thing you've written because I’ve had all of those thoughts at some point while debating whether or not to do this...my mind isn’t the problem, it’s my heart If I'm being completely honest with myself, the exact reason why I feel like I have to acknowledge her birthday all comes down to this: Because of my NC, if she's having doubts now and really misses me, and if she's having thoughts of reconciliation, I don't want her to think she can't make a move because I'll reject it or think that I've already moved on. By going NC on her and telling her I couldn’t “just be friends”, in a way it’s like I rejected her this time. In a way, I became the dumper and she became the dumpee...but not really. You know what I mean. This is a shy girl I'm dealing with, not exactly filled with self-confidence, even though she has every reason to be confident. It took her 2 weeks to get in touch with me after I gave her my number because "she usually doesn't have the guts to do anything like that". She was so nervous on our 1st date. She thought I was out of her league. I'm not making excuses for her, I'm just saying that even if she realizes she wants me back, I know she'll have to overcome a lot to tell me. I just want to make that potential step easier for her. Part of me wants to acknowledge her birthday just because I still care about her and it's her special day...but in reality, being 100% honest with myself, my true intention is to let her know that despite my NC, if she wants to reconcile at some point, it’s ok to come back. In the end, I'm hoping that a simple birthday card coveys that message. That's pretty much the extent of my hopes and expectations. After that, in my mind, I'll know I've done everything I could. Edited February 8, 2011 by Skee Link to post Share on other sites
SDA Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 D-Lish: I literally can't even counter one thing you've written because I’ve had all of those thoughts at some point while debating whether or not to do this...my mind isn’t the problem, it’s my heart If I'm being completely honest with myself, the exact reason why I feel like I have to acknowledge her birthday all comes down to this: Because of my NC, if she's having doubts now and really misses me, and if she's having thoughts of reconciliation, I don't want her to think she can't make a move because I'll reject it or think that I've already moved on. By going NC on her and telling her I couldn’t “just be friends”, in a way it’s like I rejected her this time. In a way, I became the dumper and she became the dumpee...but not really. You know what I mean. This is a shy girl I'm dealing with, not exactly filled with self-confidence, even though she has every reason to be confident. It took her 2 weeks to get in touch with me after I gave her my number because "she usually doesn't have the guts to do anything like that". She was so nervous on our 1st date. She thought I was out of her league. I'm not making excuses for her, I'm just saying that even if she realizes she wants me back, I know she'll have to overcome a lot to tell me. I just want to make that potential step easier for her. Part of me wants to acknowledge her birthday just because I still care about her and it's her special day...but in reality, being 100% honest with myself, my true intention is to let her know that despite my NC, if she wants to reconcile at some point, it’s ok to come back. In the end, I'm hoping that a simple birthday card coveys that message. That's pretty much the extent of my hopes and expectations. After that, in my mind, I'll know I've done everything I could. Hey man I've been reading this thread mainly because my ex's birthday is the 16th. After 2 weeks of NC she has texted me 2 weeks in a row and I just play it off with all the good tips everyone provides us here. For me I'm gonna send her a light text, just wishing her a happy birthday and a great day. She'll text back and start a conversation and you know the rest. My situation is a little different than yours so I can see why your confused. The thing that made me want to post was the thing about her being shy and you being out of her league and everything. How do you think she'll take that? When she see's your card or a text or a phone call. Sure it's ok for her to come back but I do think she expects something from you on her birthday. I do think the card is a nice idea but I think if she doesn't here from you she could be in disarray and wonder why you didn't. I don't think the card is a valiant signal of you wanting to get back together, it's just a nice gesture. But you know her more than anyone. I'm not sure if this made sense, I'm over tired haha. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
justletgox51 Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Just to let you know that expectations leads to disappointments. Think about that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skee Posted February 8, 2011 Author Share Posted February 8, 2011 SDA: thanks for the advice, and make sure you come back and post an update after the 16th, I'm definitely interested to see how it turns out for you I don't think the card is a valiant signal of you wanting to get back together, it's just a nice gesture. just wanted to quote this because this is how I'm rationalizing it in my own mind...I'm not professing my love to her or anything, I would only be sending a simple birthday card...deep down I know I'm really doing it to let her know it's ok to come back if she decides she wants to reconcile, but absolute worst-case scenario, she just sees it as a nice gesture Despite my NC, I want to let her know that the door is still open for reconciliation- without actually saying it or seeming really available...to me, this is the easiest way to do it, with the least amount of vulnerability for myself. If I decide to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skee Posted February 8, 2011 Author Share Posted February 8, 2011 Just to let you know that expectations leads to disappointments. Think about that. not if your expectations are met or exceeded...yes, we have to be realistic, but in life in general, you can't go through life not having expectations, hopes, and dreams because you're always worried that you'll be disappointed “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do." - Mark Twain If I feel like I didn't do everything possible to get this girl back (a girl I thought I would marry) will I regret it for the rest of my life? I know I would. That's what I'm struggling with right now. Link to post Share on other sites
SDA Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 If you think this is your last chance then do it. Why the **** not? If it doesn't work you NC till the next one comes along. Link to post Share on other sites
EmperorR Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 my ex birthday is in two days and I was thinking of saying happy birthday but i'm not. Why I'm I going to break NC to wish her happy birthday she doesn't talk to me anymore so why go out of my comfort zone wish her happy birthday then wait for a reply or something. When someone dumps you respect their wishes and get on with your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
SithLord Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 (edited) Skee man up!!! U doing everything in the book incorrectly. contacting her for her bday is a mistake! stop being in fear if she doesnt contact you or is worry about you not caring any more. Concern yourself with your own emotions!!! I have no problems females giving u advice, but ONLY A MAN can tell u how to handle the situation compare to a women. Stop being in fear, thats the problem u need to start believing your the last thing standing on earth again...prepare to meet doomsday by contacting her and regretting it. Stop being a door mat, if I were a female I wouldnt respect u, because u lacking confidence dude...Tell yourself, your a warrior and can conquer anything...increase your value, by dating and working on yourself! Edited February 9, 2011 by SithLord Link to post Share on other sites
Trovador Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 Hey, Skee, don't think for a single moment that some posters wish you bad, in fact I wish you good luck in case you decide reaching out to her that day... Don't be afraid she will forget you or that she won't reach out to you if she doesn't hear from you the 19th... in other words, don't do it out of fear, do it because you really want it, then we all can go home... ha ha... Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 Skee.. Are you a perfectionist in your life? I get the sense you struggle with making decisions until you are certain 100%. Life doesn't work that way. one more thing: I've gotten opinions from females across the spectrum (in my personal life, here on LS, girls in happy relationships, girls who are/were dumpers, girls who are/were dumpees, etc.)...why are 98% of them telling me to acknowledge her birthday if it's so wrong? Because it's not so wrong. You're never going to get 100% consensus on an issue like this. There is no right or wrong answer. There are going to be people for and people against based on their personal experiences and where they are emotionally. In the end you have to make a decision that you want and then go with that decision. If I feel like I didn't do everything possible to get this girl back (a girl I thought I would marry) will I regret it for the rest of my life? I know I would. That's what I'm struggling with right now. Why are you struggling? Re-read what you wrote. In almost all your posts, you go to great lengths to point out your intentions of possible reconciliation, 98% of the women who know you tell you to acknolwedge her birthday, and that you would regret it if you did not do everything possible. You even have past experience when an ex sent you a card. Since there is another person involved, you cannot predict or control the outcome. That is probably what is triggering your struggle. But, you have to learn to live with the uncertainty and deal with whatever happens. This means there are emotional risks inherent in sending birthday wishes for someone in your situation but that's the only way to go if your intention is eventual reconciliation. Everything you write says you want to send something to her, so why are you so afraid of making the wrong decision? It seems your issue is that since you can't control the outcome you fear that you will make the wrong decision. But, if there's any chance of reconciliation it will not come as long as you are so indecisive about issues like this. What are you going to do when you are faced with having to make real decisions? Based on what you've written so far, go get that card first thing tomorrow and send it next week. Decide. Done. Learn to live in the uncertainty that you might make the wrong decision but be confident that at least you made a decision. Accept responsibility for whatever then happens. Only then will you be ready for any chance of reconcilation that may come your way. I hope it works out for you and I will be looking forward to an update as to what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skee Posted February 9, 2011 Author Share Posted February 9, 2011 Skee man up!!! U doing everything in the book incorrectly. contacting her for her bday is a mistake! stop being in fear if she doesnt contact you or is worry about you not caring any more. Concern yourself with your own emotions!!! I have no problems females giving u advice, but ONLY A MAN can tell u how to handle the situation compare to a women. Stop being in fear, thats the problem u need to start believing your the last thing standing on earth again...prepare to meet doomsday by contacting her and regretting it. Stop being a door mat, if I were a female I wouldnt respect u, because u lacking confidence dude...Tell yourself, your a warrior and can conquer anything...increase your value, by dating and working on yourself! haha thanks for the advice and offering me a different perspective...like I've been saying, I started this thread because I really am open to hearing everyone's opinion Hey, Skee, don't think for a single moment that some posters wish you bad, in fact I wish you good luck in case you decide reaching out to her that day... Don't be afraid she will forget you or that she won't reach out to you if she doesn't hear from you the 19th... in other words, don't do it out of fear, do it because you really want it, then we all can go home... ha ha... Good luck! thanks bro, I appreciate that...I didn't take any posts from anyone personally, in fact I'm glad that all of the responses seem to be 100% honest feedback so far and I promise I'll keep updating this thread after I make my decision Link to post Share on other sites
packers393 Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 Im on a "break" at the moment, and I was wondering the same thing, her birthday is also on Feb 19th O_O weird haha. im doing strict NC as well Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skee Posted February 9, 2011 Author Share Posted February 9, 2011 Skee.. Are you a perfectionist in your life? I get the sense you struggle with making decisions until you are certain 100%. Life doesn't work that way. Because it's not so wrong. You're never going to get 100% consensus on an issue like this. There is no right or wrong answer. There are going to be people for and people against based on their personal experiences and where they are emotionally. In the end you have to make a decision that you want and then go with that decision. yup, I tend to overanalyze important decisions. I don't necessarily need to be 100% certain, but I have to know I did everything possible to try and come to what I feel is the right decision. I guess that's why I'm here, trying to get as many (objective) opinions as possible...but in the end, I'll have to live with my decision, so I'm going to have to make the decision that I want. Why are you struggling? Re-read what you wrote. In almost all your posts, you go to great lengths to point out your intentions of possible reconciliation, 98% of the women who know you tell you to acknolwedge her birthday, and that you would regret it if you did not do everything possible. You even have past experience when an ex sent you a card. Since there is another person involved, you cannot predict or control the outcome. That is probably what is triggering your struggle. But, you have to learn to live with the uncertainty and deal with whatever happens. This means there are emotional risks inherent in sending birthday wishes for someone in your situation but that's the only way to go if your intention is eventual reconciliation. Everything you write says you want to send something to her, so why are you so afraid of making the wrong decision? It seems your issue is that since you can't control the outcome you fear that you will make the wrong decision. But, if there's any chance of reconciliation it will not come as long as you are so indecisive about issues like this. What are you going to do when you are faced with having to make real decisions? just quoting all this for absolute truth Based on what you've written so far, go get that card first thing tomorrow and send it next week. Decide. Done. Learn to live in the uncertainty that you might make the wrong decision but be confident that at least you made a decision. Accept responsibility for whatever then happens. Only then will you be ready for any chance of reconcilation that may come your way. I hope it works out for you and I will be looking forward to an update as to what happens. you couldn't be more right...I know I can live with the uncertainty and accept the responsibility of whatever happens after my decision, as long as I ultimately go with my own instinct...life is too short for "what ifs" thanks for taking the time to add your input, it seems like you really put some thought into it and gave me a lot to think about, I really appreciate it Link to post Share on other sites
pingu45s Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 My ex's is the beginning of March, No question I am going to send her a card. NC is all well and good for your own healing, but with everything so fresh and raw, I think NOT sending a card shows you in a worse light than sending one. It's just a token gesture, which can mean as much or as little as the recipient puts on it. You can send it safe in the knowledge that it shows you are still aware of her, and that's it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skee Posted February 9, 2011 Author Share Posted February 9, 2011 My ex's is the beginning of March, No question I am going to send her a card. good luck man, I hope it works out for you NC is all well and good for your own healing, but with everything so fresh and raw, I think NOT sending a card shows you in a worse light than sending one. as you can see by my posts throughout the thread, this is how I've been feeling...I'm not disagreeing with the NC rules (obviously I'm in NC right now) but in my personal situation, I'm still not sure how ignoring her birthday doesn't actually make me look worse (or feel worse) than the "weakness" I would show by acknowledging her birthday everyone on LS who has told me to stay NC has, for the most part, just focused on my side of it (don't make yourself vulnerable, don't risk a setback for yourself, etc.) and I appreciate those thoughts...but what if I'm willing to risk it to try and make what could be the right decision? there are millions of people in relationships, and each relationship is unique to just those 2 people...so I don't know how realistic it is for every single person to follow the same exact rules from A-Z just look at my own second chance story (post #10)- I was the dumper with a previous ex, and we got back together after she (the dumpee) made the initial contact after 3 months NC, with a birthday card no less...that isn't some story I read on a forum, it actually happened to me...our reconciliation broke some of the "laws" of NC...I'm not trying to create false hope, I'm just saying that in reconciliation stories, it isn't always as black-and-white as: do nothing, ignore them forever -> maybe they come back begging -> reconcile anyone who has ever known a couple that broke up and got back together knows it usually just isn't that straightforward It's just a token gesture, which can mean as much or as little as the recipient puts on it. You can send it safe in the knowledge that it shows you are still aware of her, and that's it. exactly...in my mind, acknowledging her birthday is a small gesture that I would want to make anyway because we're on good terms, while also having the side benefit for me of letting her know my door is still open for reconciliation...and a birthday card doesn't really make me feel that vulnerable every female, here on LS and in my personal life, that has told me to acknowledge her birthday has said it because they know it would trigger a positive effect on some level in THEM if they were in my exes shoes...so I can't see why my ex would be any different Link to post Share on other sites
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