depplover_1980 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Right in short I was with someone for fun type FWB arrangement since Aug last year, in Dec it turned into a relationship but this month he has freaked out and said he can't do it. My story is here and is quite complicated to be honest: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=262060 3 weeks ago he ended it, I said can't we go back to how we were and he said on what terms, he then persued me with his terms. In the end I've gone with my self esteem and figured he needs to make his mind up about me once and for all and emailed him a full evaluation of his psychological issues and ended it (he is fascinated that I understand him so well, he is like glass to be transparent yet no other woman has ever figured him out) so it was necessary for closure. Tonight he texts - in light the best and amicable way for us both would be to go back to friends. What do you think? Now he is still playing this game trying to drag it out. Basically I am done unless he wants to continue working through his issues with me or a counsellor and commits to me with his heart. Do I ignore him, or text and let him know I don't want to be friends? I don't want a barrel of NC robotic speak as our relationship is not even normal and this guy does nothing without thought, so there will be meaning behind his contact tonight. Thank you very much friends.
Gossamer Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Hey depplover_1980 I think when we hand over to someone a psychological profile about why they don't commit, even if we're right about our insights and the other person agrees, it's *you* who will need to keep re-reading your lover's profile to remind yourself of why he can't commit. This is the *only* way I've been able to survive my breakup, by focusing on *his* fears of abandonment and mood issues, rather than *only* feel he was rejecting *me*, because I wasn't a "good enough girlfriend", not "girlfriend material", etc. I don't think NC is the way to go always, and I have gotten a ton of overly-simplistic "go NC" advice on here, and despite many people having good intentions, I think many do not and are just miserable and take it out on posters, and I am quite tired of it, frankly. So I will not over-simplify my reply to your post, nor will I recite LS's mantra. I have found in past that the *best* way to make a selfish guy think about what he's about to lose, is to be the most playful and freespirited person you can be when you communicate with him. If he wants to be friends and you're not ready to let go or give up on a relationship with him, let him get a whiff of the freedom you have without him. Say "yes" to the friendship, but understand that for this sort of relationship to balance out and for you to get the upper hand, the upper hand being rebuilding something possibly more meaningful and *without the sex*, you have to make a pact with yourself to stop caving and enabling him to get *his* upper hand. Also, regarding a friendship with this dude, you need to limit your time with him, make yourself less available, and make *him* invest energy. This may take time to sort out or for him to make all the plans, etc., but that's what he will have to do. You will have to be patient, non-demanding, and stand in a space of not giving away all your power and needs. Just be receptive to his suggestions of friendship, on friendship *terms*. Not dating terms. Not eff buddy terms. Only you can decide whether or not you can do this. You have been "training" him to treat you as a convenience. If you think "retraining" him is worth it, start slowly, tell him what you want to do/the kind of time you want to spend with him as friends, and otherwise, keep yourself busy, date other people, just do *not* hand your power over to him as you have. It can be done. This does not guarantee emotional maturity or readiness on his part. It just gives you the opportunity to see if you can still have him in your life, not on all his terms. Some dudes are "trainable". Some are, but not in all life cycles. And some men are definitely lost causes as life partner material. I think you still want to have him in your life to see if he is worth any more relationship effort. I would say go slowly though. All of this is just my 2 pence. Good luck. /Gossamer Right in short I was with someone for fun type FWB arrangement since Aug last year, in Dec it turned into a relationship but this month he has freaked out and said he can't do it. My story is here and is quite complicated to be honest: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=262060 3 weeks ago he ended it, I said can't we go back to how we were and he said on what terms, he then persued me with his terms. In the end I've gone with my self esteem and figured he needs to make his mind up about me once and for all and emailed him a full evaluation of his psychological issues and ended it (he is fascinated that I understand him so well, he is like glass to be transparent yet no other woman has ever figured him out) so it was necessary for closure. Tonight he texts - in light the best and amicable way for us both would be to go back to friends. What do you think? Now he is still playing this game trying to drag it out. Basically I am done unless he wants to continue working through his issues with me or a counsellor and commits to me with his heart. Do I ignore him, or text and let him know I don't want to be friends? I don't want a barrel of NC robotic speak as our relationship is not even normal and this guy does nothing without thought, so there will be meaning behind his contact tonight. Thank you very much friends.
Author depplover_1980 Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 Great advice Gossamer but in the end I text him back today with: I'm focusing forwards now so no to friends. Sorry. He replied: Now i'm really confused as your email said friends, and no relationships so I offer you that and now you don't want that either. To which I replied: You misinterpretted my email then. What I said is I thought we were good friends but instead you've been treating me like a lowlife. I think i've just snapped, i'm tired of you picking me up and putting me down in your life, i'm very lovely but can only take so much ****. I feel fantastic for doing it too and I made the right decision. He needs to know he has been a wanker and this way I feel like i've dumped him. No contact will be initiated by me.
z00m25 Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 good job. best way to handle that i think for your situation. i wish i lived in the UK so i could say things like wanker haha
Author depplover_1980 Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 good job. best way to handle that i think for your situation. i wish i lived in the UK so i could say things like wanker haha What about tosser? We use that one too!!
Gossamer Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 is like "tosser" and "wanker" What about tosser? We use that one too!!
Author depplover_1980 Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 is like "tosser" and "wanker" I quite like knobber and knobjockey too Goss. I much prefer being English when it comes to insults - words like skank don't quite have the same ring. Anyway I feel dog sick today over it all!!
Gossamer Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Knobber = Awesome. I'm sorry that you feel dog sick. But, I must point out, you didn't want the standard, robotic NC LS advice, and you didn't get that, at least. You decided to make your own rules. It sucks when you still have feelings, even if those feelings are anger. Even NC sucks. Everyday in my head, I'm writing a letter to my ex, telling him why his treatment of me was wrong. I've decided I need to spend much more time at the gym so I can emerge all hot by springtime. It's time to put on my boxing gloves and train. Hope you find ways to channel your anger, hurt, too. /Gossamer I quite like knobber and knobjockey too Goss. I much prefer being English when it comes to insults - words like skank don't quite have the same ring. Anyway I feel dog sick today over it all!!
Author depplover_1980 Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 Well i've pretty much gone into NC mode now haven't I? Also I made it clear he's been a dick so in theory if he was ever interested he would have to be sorry and make amends - this would only happen if he cared enough and this is the only way to stop the previous circle happening. So frankly I have gone the right way about it. Mine was a very sexual relationship anyway and the annoying thing is I keep getting really horny when I think about how mad I am with him, the urge to violently **** his brains out is overwhelming. Write your letter and send it to me! I will stick it on the BBQ for you. Thanks for the support girl and keep smiling. You up to much this weekend?xx
0hpenelope Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Hi, I'd like an entrée of your awesome self-confidence, please. Good on you for walking away!
Gossamer Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 "Mine was a very sexual relationship anyway and the annoying thing is I keep getting really horny when I think about how mad I am with him, the urge to violently **** his brains out is overwhelming." I love it. You need to perform that in your standup routine. I'm serious, that's some honest and funny and original **** right there. Yes, I was thinking that you went in to NC mode even if you didn't want the standard LS advice that would tell you the same. But I think what's important/not standard, is that you put whatever baggage you'd otherwise blame yourself for and internalize, back on him to consider, or not, and you went NC. You expressed your anger and disappointment, and I think that part of it is important. I don't believe in *not* expressing anger, or being diplomatic or polite for every dumpee in every situation, because, being real, sometimes you need that anger to create a more powerful boundary that will be respected where one is not being respected. Alongside hours at the gym on the boxing bag, I may very well take you up on sending you my letter for destination BBQ. ;-) And I look forward to your creative channeling of your original material. ;-) /Gossamer:p Well i've pretty much gone into NC mode now haven't I? Also I made it clear he's been a dick so in theory if he was ever interested he would have to be sorry and make amends - this would only happen if he cared enough and this is the only way to stop the previous circle happening. So frankly I have gone the right way about it. Mine was a very sexual relationship anyway and the annoying thing is I keep getting really horny when I think about how mad I am with him, the urge to violently **** his brains out is overwhelming. Write your letter and send it to me! I will stick it on the BBQ for you. Thanks for the support girl and keep smiling. You up to much this weekend?xx
Author depplover_1980 Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 Gossamer in 'Coping' there is a section 'post here instead of contacting your other half' and I was going to put: "Try successfully finding someone else to lick your a r s e hole whilst simulatneously w a n king you off into a stupor while you sit there like a deranged neanderthal with your legs pulled up to your chest" So I put it here for you.
Lishy Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Gossamer in 'Coping' there is a section 'post here instead of contacting your other half' and I was going to put: "Try successfully finding someone else to lick your a r s e hole whilst simulatneously w a n king you off into a stupor while you sit there like a deranged neanderthal with your legs pulled up to your chest" So I put it here for you. How did this situation pan out DL??
Author depplover_1980 Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 How did this situation pan out DL?? In a NC war. 2 days after my text telling him to do one, I apologised and wished him well - which he then ignored. Overall I not heard from him now for 13 days and not contacted him for 11 days. It is done now - I just admit to myself that I didn't mean much to him, or as I suspected that his problems are too big for him to face at the moment. I have thoroughly read up on commitment phobia since and the stories are parallel to mine. You win some and you lose some. As I have said before I believe in what will be will be, so try not to fear the path. Thanks for catching up.x
spackle Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 In a NC war. 2 days after my text telling him to do one, I apologised and wished him well - which he then ignored. Overall I not heard from him now for 13 days and not contacted him for 11 days. It is done now - I just admit to myself that I didn't mean much to him, or as I suspected that his problems are too big for him to face at the moment. I have thoroughly read up on commitment phobia since and the stories are parallel to mine. You win some and you lose some. As I have said before I believe in what will be will be, so try not to fear the path. Thanks for catching up.x lol I did something similar after I figured he was ignoring me - told him to feck off then the next - not apologised just text saying we're both childish and I hate. He text back he had no credit and I was a little harsh so he didn't reply. hmm you have email you **** head. And if you think that's harsh! Either way I've gone NC I don't like the negative side that comes out of me when dealing with him.
Author depplover_1980 Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 Just leave them be. I am glad I said the things I did and for me it was a form of closure, I got everything off my chest. I have realised this last month how much I love him and because I love him I have released him in my head to go and be happy. I'm quite surprised by my attitude.
spackle Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 You're right but I think because I never got everything off my chest I'm carrying a partial chip my shoulder. But that's life, how often do we get things how we want them?
Author depplover_1980 Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 You're right but I think because I never got everything off my chest I'm carrying a partial chip my shoulder. But that's life, how often do we get things how we want them? Tell me instead....
Whatshername Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Original post by Depplover_1980 I have realized this last month how much I love him and because I love him I have released him in my head to go and be happy. I'm quite surprised by my attitude. Ok, do tell me how you did this? I said this to the ex in a voice mail, that his not apologizing seemed to say that he must not love me as he said he did, so bc I love him, I want him to be happy and if that is with someone else, so be it. But in my heart, I hate the thought of that. I want to imagine he misses me and hurts. He could, but you know, the N's won't cave, or admit it. His mom called me to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day. Wow, I was so unprepared. When we had met up a few weekends ago, and "made up" then I wrote the letter to him, well, he spoke to her the day after we made up and told her we were back together. So I had to clarify. I love her dearly and so hard to explain to her but not rat him out. She said she was not giving up hope that we would reconcile. I told her she must, bc his refusing to apologize out of pride keeps us apart. She understands why he should and why if there is no remorse/turning from his actions, there is no reassurance to me has any intentions of making efforts/wanting things to really work between us. I am torn, but she still is hoping, and I gave up. Was I wrong to say anything? sigh.
Author depplover_1980 Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 Firstly I don't know how I do half of the emotional things I'm capable of other than experience, contol and educating myself in psychology. I just know that I have got to the point where I truly do want him to be happy and that I deserve to be happy too - currently he is not capable of that, therefore it's time to continue on the journey. Let's face it, life is a journey. Secondly I think you were very composed with his mother and not at all out of order. Infact I would have been a lot more detailed once she started banging on about reconciliation hopes, I'd have made it perfectly clear of what he had put me through. He doesn't deserve you currently and really I cannot imagine what he could do to make it up to you; how would you trust his love again, it would take so long and need such an attitude shift from him? In reality this is extrememly unlikely isn't it, especially considering this personality disorder he possesses?!!!
Bluebelle38 Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Hi Depplover Really refreshing to read your post If your CP ex is anything like mine ( a total charmer) then he will be gobsmacked at the way you have told him to leave you be. This isn't in their plan. These men are so in awe of themselves that they truly believe they can pick us up and drop us whenever they want. And we will be there willing and waiting We cant fix these men. And why the hell should we waste our time trying. It's too much bl00dy hard work. Stay strong Let it sink in that you were the one that walked away because you have love and respect for yourself BB xx
Whatshername Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Depp, I told her last time, when I called her to tell her we broke up, the gist of it all. I told her which ex gf, and what she did. I had to be respectful of their relationship, because I respect her , not bc of him. He did not sleep with her(well, he may have by NOW), but the lies, deceit and denial, along w lack of remorse were the same. This is what I tried to explain to her, that he is really incapable of doing what it would take to make it up to me. He won't even admit the facts, or say I wanted her, or that he lied. He can't. So in essence I told her he was unable to humble himself, and if that is all I mean to him, well, there is absolutely no hope. Zero, because I deserve much more. BTW if he WOULD do this, I would take him back, becasue it's be SO huge of a step, and the FIRST time in 4.5 years where HE did any real work on changing/making efforts to be responsible TO me and for his selfish actions. I am not waiting/holding my breath. The more time goes by, the more I realize how ridiculous it would be to expect this to happen. IF I were to go t him, sure he'd welcome me with open arms and never say anything, and hold it against me if anything was ever brought up (what is this called.....where THEY cause the wreck, yet YOU can't mention it). Entitlement. ego. pride, F him. She said she does not know how I have handled this, and still been willing to forgive, and yet I knowshe fears him remaining alone, forever. His father, and her exh, divorced in the 60's and he has been alone since, to the point of total isolation. His brother, who is 45, is absolutely a loner, not even having contact w/the loner dad who lives 2 hrs away. He USED to serve this up to me, saying he was destined to be a loner. It was a cop out. We have spent a LOT of close time together, and the cop out is to grab that as a mask, to avoid being responsible to me, and for his actions. Bail in conflict, run/hide/isolate/shut me out/silence. Weak. Ball-less, full of pride/huge go and sense of entitlement. Isn't that an N?????
Gossamer Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 ...it actually sounds a little too sexy, though...for him and for me. ;-) Now you've just planted another reason into my brain about why my next guy needs rigourous obedience training. ;-) Thank you, depplover... Gossamer in 'Coping' there is a section 'post here instead of contacting your other half' and I was going to put: "Try successfully finding someone else to lick your a r s e hole whilst simulatneously w a n king you off into a stupor while you sit there like a deranged neanderthal with your legs pulled up to your chest" So I put it here for you.
Author depplover_1980 Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 Thanks Bluebelle, I am very proud of myself with what i've done and I think he probably is too. I think i've not heard from him because I think he expects me to text him anyday now and I think he thinks 'give it another day'. Well I can play it forever; mind you he knew I had the potential mental strength to overpower him, it was me that didn't. He countlessly admired me for overcoming the things I have in my life. I have surprised myself yet again! Becky, how bizarre his brother is the same yet is would make sense. Narcissism is something that develops in childhood, largely from the way your parents treat you so that says it all. The mother is a huge contributing factor, it's probably why she feels guilty and comes to you trying to make amends between you. I do understand why you would give him another chance, but I don't think you should. I think there is someone else out there that will fully give to you. Goss, well I can't comment on that bit of filth but it's all true. He was sexually very demanding but it's nothing I can't handle. How are you anyway? Making progress with your recovery?
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