Techniques to raise his interest level

I have read a thread on here about interest levels etc, which I found to be quite informative.

Now I am never one to really struggle but I am involved with someone who I scared off by casually mentioning a living together scenario way too early. It was not intended to be a biggie, but to him it made him freak out.

We are talking again now, which is a welcome relief as things were going so well but all his barriers, which it has took me months to smash have gone back up again.

Though I am not normally a game player but feel advice to raise his interest level in me may be required. My instinct will be to call him less, let him suggest things and have some patience but anyone got any secrets?

Oh and no unwanted advice about whether I want to be with this kind of man, as the answer is yes and there is zero wrong with my self esteem!

Thank you.

What, in particular, scared him? Just normal commitment-phobia?

While I don't personally have the patience, all that's required to get things on track (no idea how you'd get over the hump to true commitment with one) if he really likes you is just to back off, no emotional stuff, playing it completely light WHILE emphasizing whatever most attracts him to you and creating positive, fun experiences.

What, in particular, scared him? Just normal commitment-phobia?

 

While I don't personally have the patience, all that's required to get things on track (no idea how you'd get over the hump to true commitment with one) if he really likes you is just to back off, no emotional stuff, playing it completely light WHILE emphasizing whatever most attracts him to you and creating positive, fun experiences.

Yes normal commitment phobia; he wants to buy a flat in another city, I suggested my city and live in it while he works away - just a spur of the moment idea. He has issues from his last relationship going sour after he put so much effort into it. I fully understand why he is the way he is, but enjoy his company for now and tend to live for the moment than worrying 'what if' too much.

I think your suggestions are perfect, what I thought too. x

How long have you been together and how long had you been together when the "move-in" freak-out happened?

How long have you been together and how long had you been together when the "move-in" freak-out happened?

Oh we've been seeing each other long distance for 5 months. To be honest I really thought I was offering a practical solution as he always works away Mon-Fri. He saw it as trying to control his life, pressed the siren and went 'red alert'.

I have to think about the interest techniques for a while, because I want to give you solid and sincere advice on this one. But if you want you can help me out by describing what kind of guy he is, what his interests are, what kind of job he has, what his intelligence level is, character, etc.

But I have a question for you. Since you mentioned in another thread you broke up with your boyfriend last week. Are you sure you're not trying to fill the hole in your chest with the guy you're talking about in this thread?

But I have a question for you. Since you mentioned in another thread you broke up with your boyfriend last week. Are you sure you're not trying to fill the hole in your chest with the guy you're talking about in this thread?

It's the same guy, isn't it?

I have to think about the interest techniques for a while, because I want to give you solid and sincere advice on this one. But if you want you can help me out by describing what kind of guy he is, what his interests are, what kind of job he has, what his intelligence level is, character, etc.

 

But I have a question for you. Since you mentioned in another thread you broke up with your boyfriend last week. Are you sure you're not trying to fill the hole in your chest with the guy you're talking about in this thread?

Hi Nexus, this is the same guy! I am over the moon I broke NC because our phone chat leading to the 'split' was rather bizarre and left us suddenly apart, rather odd. So I text to apologise for my misjudgement and that could we perhaps go back to how we were?

To which he is wanting to be date with no emotional commitments, but he did this in the beginning and I am confident we will get back to where we were. The added pressure of long distance doesn't help.

Right he is a Project Manager Engineer, very logical, fiercely perceptive, extremely well travelled, had more women than hot dinners and thinks very highly of me and my vast life experience.

What? Where does it say the OP and this guy "broke up" last week? I saw a post about a 7 year relationship that ended 4 years ago and that's it.

I have read a thread on here about interest levels etc, which I found to be quite informative.

 

Now I am never one to really struggle but I am involved with someone who I scared off by casually mentioning a living together scenario way too early. It was not intended to be a biggie, but to him it made him freak out.

 

We are talking again now, which is a welcome relief as things were going so well but all his barriers, which it has took me months to smash have gone back up again.

 

Though I am not normally a game player but feel advice to raise his interest level in me may be required. My instinct will be to call him less, let him suggest things and have some patience but anyone got any secrets?

 

Oh and no unwanted advice about whether I want to be with this kind of man, as the answer is yes and there is zero wrong with my self esteem!

 

Thank you.

I know you don't want "the kind of man" advice, but please hear me out. His commitmentphobia would have been a complete turn off for me. I expect the guys I date to realize I'm not someone who's desperately hanging on hoping to land a guy, any guy, the sooner the better please. Nope, I have a life, loads of friends, a great job. A guy has to demonstrate he fits into my life or else I have no time for a project.

Sounds to me like this guy has to demonstrate he fits into your life - not the other way around. You sound like you have a great attitude, you say yourself you have great self-esteem. After 5 months, this guy can either see this or he doesn't.

What can you do to peek his interest? Uh... Rather... What can he do to show you he's serious about you guys?

In theory, it translates into the game playing you mention: yes, I would basically leave the ball in his court while going on enjoying the relationship for what it was (casual) until he moved it forward.

_______________________

edit: just read the update... OP, seriously, is this guy worth it? Why, how?

Hi Nexus, this is the same guy! I am over the moon I broke NC because our phone chat leading to the 'split' was rather bizarre and left us suddenly apart, rather odd. So I text to apologise for my misjudgement and that could we perhaps go back to how we were?

 

To which he is wanting to be date with no emotional commitments, but he did this in the beginning and I am confident we will get back to where we were. The added pressure of long distance doesn't help.

 

Right he is a Project Manager Engineer, very logical, fiercely perceptive, extremely well travelled, had more women than hot dinners and thinks very highly of me and my vast life experience.

The fact that he's increasing the distance between you two by buying an apartment in another city bothers me. If he said the following: "I'll buy an apartment in your city, but still want to live on my own for the time being.", then I could understand where he's coming from and wants to move slow and have his own space, but increasing the distance? Is his job closer to that other city? What reason(s) did he have to live in that other city and not your city?

He is not deliberately buying in another city, he has planned to buy in Manchester for some time and saved the deposit etc. I live 2 hours away in his hometown of Nottingham.

We met on the internet where he was living in London with work and now he will be in Scotland with work. It is quite complicated with the locations. If we were together long term we would only ever be together at weekends and again due to my own fierce independance would suit.

None of this overly bothers me to be honest and the pace of the relationship genuinely suits me, as I have always taken things too fast previously.

To which he is wanting to be date with no emotional commitments, but he did this in the beginning and I am confident we will get back to where we were. The added pressure of long distance doesn't help..

He doesn't sound all in.. and most likely will never be..

Getting his attention will be kinda tough since you are long distance.

Do you skype ?.. it sounds like maybe something like that might bring you closer...

When we are back on a more even keel I will be suggesting Skpe for when we go through the endurance of 3 weeks apart.

He may be all in one day, I am a full believer that some people take longer to let themselves go, especially those who are as used to controlling everything about themselves as he has been.

It doesn't matter why you want to get his attention. Try and if it doesn't work then you will be hurt, Give youself sometime then put yourself out there, to give yourself a chance of meeting someone.

I've been single for extended periods, and you should take this time to enjoy hanging out with freinds and stuff, once you settle down and have kids, all your time is theirs...

I've posted this reply in an image I can remove, as the replies on this forum can't be edited after a certain point. If you want me to remove the image, please say so and I'll do it.

 

http://tinyurl.com/4qk6mhh

 

So my question is. Am I right?

Hi Nexus,

You are right about some things are wrong about others. He used to sleep around, infact shagged his way around the world, decided he wanted a relationship, chose one and messed it up. Now he thinks relationships are all about arguing and monotomy - also I believe she expected him to sacrifice many of his hobbies and training, which considering he is also a triathlete is a no no. He is also a man that is sure he wants children soon.

He has always talked openly with me regards to his fears and he still will about this when we see each other, though I will let him raise this one. Problem is he was starting to enjoy himself, but by mentioning living together smashed him back to reality that he is now in a 'relationship'. It is a genuine phobia, he is aware of this and has even mentioned the possibility of counselling to discuss his emotional wall.

All I wanted were some a few tips, as I had never read anything to do with this interest level percentage stuff in my life and I wondered what the feedback would be.

My general scenerio is pretty unique and I am very aware of what is going on, I'm just simply not ready to leave yet and really enjoy having him in my life at the pace I do - I will never see him beyond weekends due to his work. I am not someone who needs a relationship, infact frankly the thought of having to see someone more than once a week does not bode well for me at the moment, so in general my situation meets me too, just going to have to be very patient.

he assigned meaning to his prior experience (something YOU cannot change FOR him).

since his assigned meaning shows that he wants and needs to keep his distance from you in order to have HIS comfort zone= YOU need to either:

a) accept that fact and know he will not commit

b) don't contact him any further

contact with a man like this is just YOU accepting his negative energy and half the man that he COULD be.

he isn't in this for loving you - he's in this for selfish gain - that is why he pushes you away when you get too close... he doesn't ever intend to let you in - that isn't enough for a healthy balance in a relationship... that is why it looks unbalanced.

don't make the effort - especially since he doesn't intend to.

You are happy with seeing him once a week yet you wanted to move in together. Something doesn't compute and I think that you are lying to yourself here.

You are happy with seeing him once a week yet you wanted to move in together. Something doesn't compute and I think that you are lying to yourself here.

Oi read it properly, he will always be away Mon-Fri in the middle of nowhere for his job coming home every weekend or other weeknd. What I suggested was I could rent his place seems he would never be there anyway. Keep up.

The best thing you can do I think is to do nothing at all, better, pull away from him and get busy with your life including nurture your love life

The best thing you can do I think is to do nothing at all, better, pull away from him and get busy with your life including nurture your love life

Hey funnily enough this is the next plan, it's business as usual really but he will be getting less enthusiasm for now until he instigates some of his own, be cool like the Fonz!

Ok, first tip, I know it's a meager one, but overall it's an important one nevertheless: Don't argue with him.

I'm suspecting one of the reasons he argued with his previous woman was that he's a rationalist and she was and I'm guessing here, an emotionalist.

We've seen it in that other thread and those worlds simply collide. However you don't strike me as someone that would simply raise mere emotional arguments in a discussion and piss off your man. I'm basing this from your replies here on the forum, can't judge on any other information besides that.

I'm not saying you should kill your emotions, by no means, that's not what I'm trying to say. What I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't piss him off by countering rational arguments with emotional arguments. (There are scenarios where it might make sense to do so, but I can't account for every scenario)

If he's a triathlon sportsman, then I'm guessing this guy is not only a rationalist, he's also mentally strong. I used to run long distances myself and you need a particular mental state for that to be able to push through the physical pain that comes with that type of performance. You need a strong mental state where you can retreat in peace.

I'm guessing the barrages of arguments with his last woman didn't exactly offer him peace. So what you could offer him is peace. So that he can have peace of mind. A tranquil environment. Your relationship with him should be a contrast with his previous one, otherwise he starts recognizing things which he might not like. You talked with him about these things, so I'm guessing you will know better about the things that will contrast with his sour past relationships.

Tip 2. You could provide some humor in the relationship. I'm not talking about sarcastic or negative humor. Just things that make him laugh. If he wants kids, then he's looking for a wife that can provide a happy future for him and those children. Laughing is part of a happy life, so humor could help. But don't fake this and do it only on the moments which are opportune and of which you think will come across natural. Because if he gets the sense you might be "trying/faking" and have "motives" for that, then that could even be damaging.

Tip 3. Don't express yourself in negative ways unless it's absolutely reasonable to do so. Men hate negativity unless there's a good reason for it. I know a lot of women do this many times a day. I even know some that do NOTHING BUT be negative about anything and everything. Simply horrible. I'm not saying you're one of them, but just wanted to let you know.

Tip 4. Don't nag. Nagging is such a turn off. I know this is disrespectful to say about women, but if men had a remote control with volume buttons on it to turn of nagging women, we WOULD use it.

Tip 5. Be positive. Sometimes even surprise him with your positivity. But be reserved in it at times, don't go over the top with this constantly, that might seem unnatural. I was listening to a girl a while ago telling me about her day, just one chain of positive events she thought her day had been. It was joyful to listen to.

Tip 6. Don't use too much make-up. If you do use make-up a natural look is a safe bet, unless you're a make-up artist or have one.

Tip 7. Dress nicely, with class. Men actually don't give a whole lot about how their woman dresses, unless it looks real slutty, without any class, then they'll probably say something about it to save you from yourself. A good outfit however can cause men to notice you. If that outfit has class too, then they'll notice it times two.

I can give one example of something classy what I personally like, but I don't know if it will suite your personal taste, character, work and budget.

http://i.imgur.com/RZkOw.jpg

I like those clothes for the following reasons. It looks classy, stylish and the 2 pieces fit together. It also gives the woman an independent look and even looks futuristic, which makes it jump out from the other suits/clothes women are wearing. The suit has been cut to accentuate her feminine lines, not every suit has these cuts. It makes the woman look like she's out of your league, but if it's your girlfriend, she's not. That's just one style I happen like though, so it's just an example.

That's what I got so far, will have to think if I can come up with some more stuff.

There is some real fantastic stuff in there with truthful edges. I think one of the things that led to him feeling this way and flipping was my nagging about him not texting/calling enough and I approached it in the wrong way. So this along with the 'move in gate' have put his guard up again, but I am patient it can be brought back down again.

You are spot on with the emotional argument to rational etc and luckily I can be very rational and logical. Naturally I am a very emotional person but through years of training myself to be strong I am good at containing, thinking and then acting. My strength and what he calls my inner determination are things he greatly admires about me.

I am with you on the humour and it is really the reason we will be carrying on, with him saying 'we do have such a laugh together' and it is a biggie for me in a man. Not a comedian but someone who can laugh at the natural funny things in life, or a partner where you can take the mickey out of each other that ends in a wrestle.

The rest is additonal and all appreciated. I liked the outfit too and have some similar things.

I've posted this reply in an image I can remove, as the replies on this forum can't be edited after a certain point. If you want me to remove the image, please say so and I'll do it.

 

http://tinyurl.com/4qk6mhh

 

So my question is. Am I right?

What did this say???

The best advice I can give is just to act cool, be yourself and be a challenge for him, however hard it may be for you. Just try to get on with whatever you're doing and if he truly wants you for you then he will be around. If he doesn't then you haven't wasted any extra time or energy worrying about someone who isn't worth it.

I know this but I still need to take heed of it myself

What did this say???

It was a hypothesis of the situation. I removed it because it was only partly correct, so there's no need for it to be online any longer.