PowerOfOne Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Stay strong buddy. You've shown you can in the past so draw from that. Flighty doesn't begin to describe this girl... At this stage in her life she clearly isn't capable of being the partner you deserve. That anyone deserves. I think you know that. I can certainly understand how hard that is to accept though. You are doing the right thing by walking away. Always remember that. You don't know how things may turn out in the future. But at this stage, it's not right. The way she treats you and the effort she puts into what you had/have is not normal. You'll realise that in time. When you're ready and find yourself in a relationship again I promise you, you'll think of how she treated you and be shocked that you put up with it. I promise you that. You've been down the NC road before so you know what to expect. It takes time and there are many ups and downs. But after a while you stop counting, each day becomes your own and not one consumed by her. And one day you'll feel like you've shed this heavy wet coat that was a constant drain on your day. I don't know how I got over my ex. By all rights i should still be hung up on her. She was gorgeous, a doctor, kind and sweet (well, could be at times - others she was super cold and closed off). But here I am. She's just a distant memory. Maybe i've just buried the memory of her. But NC does that. Out of site, out of mind.
Author is2008 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 PowerOfOne Hope the weekend went well for you. I know deep down I am doing the right thing but I am majorly attached to this girl. This is where the balance of power lies. She knows I'm into her and she can have me back with a click of the finger. This is why she's doing what she's doing. Just when she thinks she's losing grip (and I start to feel stronger) she comes back to pick at the wound and opens it. This time round though, with the recent revelation, it makes me even more attached to her. Many friends have suggested the story is a fabrication. Would she be that sick? I think the term ignorance is bliss works for me. I really don't want to know what's going on in her life. It's going to hurt, it always will hurt. I'm not even sure whether I'll fully recover from this but you're right, she's not capable of being anyone's partner. Her selfishness knows no boundaries. IfIKnewThen said she hasn't got any relationship skills. She hasn't. She's like a child throwing her toys out of the pram because she's not getting everything her way. I would love to find someone new to have a proper relationship with, I just think emotionally I'm not ready and won't be for a little while. That said, last time I went NC, after 7-9 days I was I did start to see positive qualities in other women. I'm drawing inspiration from the fact that you've gotten over your ex, who seems more accomplished in life than mine. Mine unfortunately is never kind or sweet to me anymore. She hasn't been for some time. I still want her back though but I've got to battle through this for two reasons. First one, to heal. Second which seems unlikely.. to reignite the relationship on my terms only. That's only going to happen with sufficient time apart so she can start missing what I did bring to the table. Would it be stubborn to suggest that should she come back, I want it my way or the high way? Realistically that's what she's been doing the past 2 months anyway. The struggle goes on.
PowerOfOne Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I say I'm over her now... one 'think we can be friends' phone call or finding out she's seeing someone and it could allll be undone. You're dead right - ignorance is bliss. Of course you should only take her back on your own grounds! The thing is, a good match won't need that sort of ultimatum. They'll fit you like a dove-tail join.
Author is2008 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 I think everyone who's posted on my thread is of the same mindset Ignorance is definitely bliss. Mine's assured me she isn't talking to anyone else, I'm not going to poke or prod anymore because my mind feels at peace knowing that. Any deviation from that is going to throw me off the tracks into a place I really don't want to be... potentially even suicidal. i'm very fragile for saying i'm a guy, i've got a big heart and i do care too much. that's why this time round i've got to protect myself and not talk under any circumstance. i think you're at a 'comfortable' stage in the breakup, not fully over her my friend but keep up the good work. i think for you, a new lady could push you into the fully healed category.
IfiKnewThen Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 hey is2008 how are you doing today? I think its great you blocked and changed the password. believe me i know that temptation of looking at an account to see if they are there. i have done that as well. and when you don't see the person there you confirm in your mind (or tell yourself) that they don't care and its grueling. looking at the account can also be a way of still feeling connected to them ...like they are not really gone. we still see their names there. but when we don't see the green light or activity on the account, we feel sad. so kudos to you for getting away from that. yeah, music is an awful trigger. the only music i can listen to right now is music that has nothing to do with any memories. and even that's pressing. i cant watch romantic movies either. are most of your memories with her in other places? like...in the US...or are they where you live? because its so hard to pass by a place you were together. if its far away , at least you don't have to deal with that. anyway, i think you are doing good and doing all you can. just stay focused keep taking it one day at a time. its easier to think in the day/moment then get ahead of ourselves. and do something good for yourself everyday. i agree with PwrOO, that there will be a better fit for you someday. hang in there and take care for now:)
Author is2008 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 hey ifiknewthen! i'm coping better today thank you. how are you? i'm still getting maddening thoughts of my ex and still pretty weak, but better than yesterday. i was a real mess then. i know what you mean about movies, in fact, i've stopped and restarted watching inception 3 times, and that's not even romantic. i just can't unwind at the moment... know the feeling? all my memories are in a beautiful part of TX called grapevine. it is the most beautiful place i've been to. such a beautiful town. it's such a shame i'll never be able to visit there again... unless me and my ex reconcile. that said, my surroundings are a reminder of her. like my pc, room etc. my sister and her friends (male and female) have organised a day out on sunday and i've been invited. believe it or not, it's been a long time since i've been around female company. i've been accustomed to my bedroom and talking to my ex, so that's going to be a new experience and another step in the healing process. obviously no interest in getting with any of these girls but will really appreciate seeing new faces. keep on smiling
Author is2008 Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 DAY 3 NC: I don't know how I'm feeling today. Very mixed. When I fully immerse myself in my work, I'm alright, but unfortunately finding the motivation to do so is difficult. It's a vicious cycle, I'm anxious so can't concentrate. When I think about her fully, I'm close to tears and I begin to miss her. I don't actually know whether I'm hurt we broke up or because I let someone in so close and they betrayed me. I do miss her presence anyway. I know she wasn't good to me but to say I'm emotionally attached is an understatement. I need to break this strangehold she's got over me. I think of breaking NC sometimes but I'm not sure what response I'll get. The best I'll get is 'yes I'll be your gf' but she won't mean it deep down. the worst, could be something very upsetting. I'm going to battle through it, I have to. I have maintained that if I somehow manage to get over her fully, I'm never taking her back even if she shows remorse. Obviously I'm not there, and somehow I don't think I will be for some time. Appetite is mixed, sleep the same. Think it's going to take a few more days before any sort of normality sets in. Started taking St Johns Wort again, last time I went NC I was taking it...placebo or not, it seemed to help. Hope it kicks in soon. Going to read through my previous NC posts to draw some inspiration. Feeling raw.
IfiKnewThen Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 hi is2008. how are you doing? i just read your last 2 posts and i thought "wow tx". you said you left your heart in a little place called grapevine. so ironic, my ex best friend in all the world who broke my heart came from Tx also. but i know what you mean about your own room reminding you also...your computer etc. yes they come into your world and even that small geographical space is no longer the same anymore. i have been a tad bit busier the last couple of days and it was a bit better coping. (but then that didnt last...still not "there" yet) and when i have more time on my hands..its horrible. its so horrible period, but when there are no real good distractions..its not a good feeling. it feels like life will never be the same. and that's such a hard concept to live with ...or think of. anyway dont mean to be a downer today. i know exactly what you mean when you say, feeling raw. anyway, maybe your day out sunday with some female company will be good for you. rooting you on over here on LS. hang in there and feel better
Author is2008 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 DAY 5 NC: Yesterday was aweful. I was sat at my desk at work, big lump in my throat for the majority of the day, was on the verge of crying all day, a small catalyst would have tipped me over the edge. Then... something snapped in my mind. NO I will not accept someone who threatens to kiss someone else AND send photos of the act just to hurt me. Whether a story or not, this is unacceptable from someone I was 1 month away from proposing to and spent the past 6.5 years of my life loving. I went out last night to see my friend, had a fantastic time playing on the XBOX. Going to the gym tonight with him too. Don't get me wrong, I am still very upset and I have a lump in my throat right now but there has to be more to life than spending my life with someone who says this sorta s h i t? ANY girl in this world has got to be better than my ex who threatens me with this? Reconciliation is looking more and more unlikely as the days pass. The longer she leaves it to apologise, the bitter I feel about it and the more resolve I have about my expectations from a gf. I'm going to be blogging a lot less now too. I feel as though by recalling my story, it's actually setting me back from healing. I'm trying to block everything out completely. It appears to be working. I'm not in denial, and I hope it's not going to hit me in 6 months time. Usually guys have a tendency to be macho about the breakup and then realise what they've lost in 3-4 months time when it's too late. I'm questioning what I am actually losing? Someone that made me really insecure to gain power over me? NOT what a relationship is about. Ignorance is bliss. I told her if she so much as looks at another guy, to never come back. So with this in mind, I'm not even going to bother waiting. Who knows what she's up to and what her true intentions are but anything short of a miracle isn't going to win me back. Of course, any form of contact is going to set me back and I may have a different outlook then but until/if that happens I've got to keep strong and continue moving forward. I am still very upset and confused though. Over and out for now --------------- IfIknewThen - i'm glad you've been keeping busy. I am busy at work, just don't find the motivation to start it/do any of it. Getting really behind. I know what you mean about not having any real distractions, you get stuck in a nasty thought process. That's where I'm at in the healing process but I'm hoping by completely blocking out her thoughts I can accelerate this. One thing that is really bugging me is why it appears she doesn't miss me? Last time we spoke she did admit that it was "suffocating" not being able to hear my voice and that after 5 days she was at breaking point. I'm just wondering how long it'll be before she cracks? But what will she offer me? I did however make it clear again that I didn't want to be just friends. I am looking forward to the weekend for a change. Usually my weekends consist of pining over my ex and that's it. But fully booked up both days this weekend. Have you got any plans? As I mentioned before I'm taking a break for now, see how it goes by not posting. Don't disappear though, I intend on making new friends and keeping them! Hang in there folks.
PowerOfOne Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 I think she'll try and get in contact again. Unfortunatly I think it'll the the same old story from her. She'll pretend nothing has happened. Make no indication that she's regretting how things have turned out. She'll just be content knowing that she can still get to you whenever she likes... I know exactly what you mean when you say that it's bugging you that she appears not to miss you. Not having heard anything at all since we broke up, i know exactly how it feels. Not even to check up how I'm doing etc. I sometimes wonder if she thinks that because I said 'friends' wasn't a good idea, that it should be up to me to get in touch. Oh well. I'm not going to. She made the decision to leave so she can live with it. I'd beware of trying to block it out. You're right, it might come back with a vengence at a later date. Finding new things to focus on is a good thing. I suppose it has the same effect as blocking it out, but when that 'what have a done' moment comes you'll be in a good place and not really care. At least that's how it's gone for me.
IfiKnewThen Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 wow is2008, do you read minds? lol. i was thinking of the same thing. getting off LS for a while, only because i keep feeling i am reliving it. and yet, i relive it anyway. i still think after 8 months i am in the shock phase. everyday i subconsciously say to myself..i cant believe this. you said "and One thing that is really bugging me is why it appears she doesn't miss me?" i was thinking about that last night (again). after all the love that was professed and to be dumped like that so abruptly and so unexpectedly and so cold like shook up my very belief system and senses to the core. feel like a dog that was dropped off in a thick forest and they didnt look back...and i am trying to find my way out and back to any safety and familiarity. anyway go -you, you sound good and determined and focused. youre doing all you can possibly do. proud of you. and glad to be your friend. so if you want to PM too to catch up once in a awhile and or come back to this post..please do. good luck meantime and don't make it too too long lol. i need to set up busier weekends but i am dependent to getting out of the house. but i am working on what i can do in my own home..etc. anyway..good luck, God bless.
Author is2008 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 PowerOfOne I really feel for you, to not hear anything shows that she doesn't have any concerns for you whatsoever. You did the right thing to insist it was all or nothing and that's what I've done. Harsh I know but it's the only way we'd ever have known their true intentions. I agree that mine will contact eventually but definitely not if she's moved on. She will definitely respect the rule of not coming back if she's got someone else, she knows it'll achieve nothing whatsoever. I don't want to hear from her if this is the case. But yes, it is bugging me that she's not bothering to contact whatsoever. Or appears not to be trying. Granted she might be on MSN every now and then (I don't know but the last 2 times I've checked she's not) but it's the phone call that I'm most bothered about.... in fact! Just had a call at work, silent caller (hung up after hearing my voice), it's her trait. Now it could well be someone else but I had a silent call yesterday, exactly the same time. Coincidence? I don't want to read too much into them because if I keep imagining it's her, I might be keeping a false flame alive in my heart... first a silent call, then talking? I don't know but as strange as it sounds, it calms me down knowing she's trying to reach out. It'll give her that 'adrenaline kick' that I get when I hear her voice. As long as she doesn't talk back I'm fine. But as far as reconciliation is concerned, a silent call isn't anywhere near good enough... if indeed it even is her. At least I'm trying wean myself off her. As for blocking out her thoughts... I'm very much still in love with her (despite all her bs) and I'm hoping that by not thinking about her, that love will fade or extinguish. That's how my best friend got over his ex girlfriend, that's how I've gotten over other girls in the past. Truth be told, she is my first true love though. But would my true love say what she's said to me? Or behave the way she has? I'm questioning my own judgement...and I'm going on about random rubbish!
IfiKnewThen Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 ps youre doing good too PwrOO not settling for less either.
Author is2008 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 wow is2008, do you read minds? lol. i was thinking of the same thing. getting off LS for a while, only because i keep feeling i am reliving it. and yet, i relive it anyway. i still think after 8 months i am in the shock phase. everyday i subconsciously say to myself..i cant believe this. you said "and One thing that is really bugging me is why it appears she doesn't miss me?" i was thinking about that last night (again). after all the love that was professed and to be dumped like that so abruptly and so unexpectedly and so cold like shook up my very belief system and senses to the core. feel like a dog that was dropped off in a thick forest and they didnt look back...and i am trying to find my way out and back to any safety and familiarity. anyway go -you, you sound good and determined and focused. youre doing all you can possibly do. proud of you. and glad to be your friend. so if you want to PM too to catch up once in a awhile and or come back to this post..please do. good luck meantime and don't make it too too long lol. i need to set up busier weekends but i am dependent to getting out of the house. but i am working on what i can do in my own home..etc. anyway..good luck, God bless. They say great minds think alike I can understand how it's shaken you to the core. I think breakups do and they make us question ourselves. How did we let ourselves trust someone so much? The unfortunate thing is, unless we learn to trust again we will not open up our hearts to love again. Just take every day as it goes. You're a dedicated poster, take some time off and see if that benefits you better than reliving the breakup. I think I've gotten to the stage where reliving the breakup is hindering me. I'm sure confidence must be an issue for you too, well it certainly is for me... Make a list of goals, and try to achieve them. For me, the gym is a big one. I want to prepare for it this week and start next week. As for weekend ideas, seeing friends/family, going for walks in the park, shopping. I prefer to start doing things out of the ordinary. Do anything you want! I will be posting every 3-4 days, just not daily but will PM too Take care.
Author is2008 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 ps youre doing good too PwrOO not settling for less either. He's a power ranger IfIKnewThen i've replied on the previous page to you!!
IfiKnewThen Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 hey is2008! enjoy your weekend end and thanks for posting. brilliant idea to do every few days in order to balance it all out. so see you around whenever you get back and God willing it will be better days and good news. but you always have friends here whatever the news. hugs. God bless you too powerranger hehe. i like that nick name for PwrOO. . he is a trouper too.
PowerOfOne Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Haha, powerranger. I like that. PoO really doesn't work. And i know you tried that IfiKnewThen!! Had a strange day today. Not really sure how I felt. I wouldn't say I was feeling down for most of it, just felt like something wasn't right. I was told this afternoon I'd be responsible for negotiating a tender worth about $2m. Then on the ride down the lift there was a girl I'd seen a couple of times in either the lift or in the lobby (I work in a 50 story building with multiple companies). Anyway, I'd seen her a couple of times and shared the lift down with her once. We'd shared a smile or a polite acknowlegement. Thing is, after being told I had this contract to do, I didn't blink an eye. But the sheer thought of asking this girl to grab coffee scared the living crap out of me. By far the repercussions of a bad result from the negotiations out weight a 'I'm sorry I have a boyfriend'. Or worse 'Yeah, that's be nice'!! Something is seriously wrong with me. haha.
Author is2008 Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 PwrOO forget the tender, ask the girl out.... with that in mind, I get a stinging pain thinking about someone else asking my ex gf out for a coffee. She has been asked and did rub it in my face post breakup. I'm starting to think a lot more clearly about the relationship and unfortunately I'm becoming upset over it. Things I didn't really notice the past year are coming to the forefront now. All the times I asked her to do something she'd not do it, unless she wanted to and was ready. I said you need to pass your driving test.. I was asking her for months so she could buy a car. She said yeah yeah yeah. Well I found out that she was in a car accident. First she lied. She told me her mum was driving. Then eventually I got the truth out of her, she was driving and it was near fatal. She walked away unhurt. I was FUMING with rage. How dare she go out driving without a valid license and put herself in danger? How could she do that to herself or me? I wasn't sympathetic (rightly or wrongly) I was consumed with rage for her lie and for driving the car. One of many examples where I feel she did me wrong. The relationship was good as long as it fitted in with her ideals, her plans and revolved around her. I am p i s s e d today recalling memories, but upset at the same time that I was so blind to the faults and I let them go. So did I over react about the car? Well I still to this day believe I didn't. She says I did and that I was unsympathetic. My response was that she put herself in that situation, she lied about it too. Thoughts anyone?
PowerOfOne Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I don't think you over reacted at all! That would be horrifying, especially being LDR at the time! I wonder if maybe the concern you had presented in your anger? I know i've done that. I get angry (not openly) when someone I care about puts themselves in a dangerous place. It's because the thought of them actually hurting themselves scares me. I don't know if I'm articulating that right. But yeah, it's a reflex to being hurt if they hurt. Something like that. I still get that angry feeling sometimes. Thinking about things that were quite cruel. Like the wicked cold shoulder I'd get sometimes, the complete disinterest in how i was doing etc. I'm angry at myself for letting her get away with treating me that way as well. On a side note, I'd be suprised if she actually did get asked out. Sounds like another one of her ploys... p.s. I've talked myself into asking her for coffee. Whether that feeling transfers over to when I get an opportunity we'll have to see.
Author is2008 Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 PwrOO I don't have regrets over the incident, it's actually starting to reinforce my decision as a dumpee to maintain NC. I can sympathise with the complete disinterest in how I am. I can actually recall one incident right now... She wakes up and doesn't give a damn about how I am or how my day's gone (it's 4.30pm UK time by the time she's actually woken up - 10.30am US time) she just says I have to go to the bank...bye!!! I'm like WTF! I'm sure you can recall similar incidents. As long as she got her own way things were cool between us, otherwise cold shoulder and no remorse. Same for you?? As for that girl, you've got nothing to lose! Don't worry if she's got a bf, it's all practise.
PowerOfOne Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 Yeah, my ex was a very self focused girl. She did the right thing by her everytime. I'll let you know if anything happens. Have a good weekend mate!
Author is2008 Posted February 26, 2011 Author Posted February 26, 2011 DAY 7: As long as I don't look at her photo I think I'm finally starting to get somewhere. I didn't feel too great this morning and was full of anxiety but I promised myself that I'd never let anyone speak to me like she did again. I think the balance of power is slowly shifting now in my breakup. I'm fed up of her procrastination over whether she wants to be with me and she doesn't seem to be putting any effort so I'm starting to care a lot less. Hope this feeling isn't temporary. And yes, given the right words and actions, I would still take her back but that flame is slowly going out too. She still is on my mind 24/7 but not in the sense that I'm dying to call her. I did have an urge earlier to check MSN... it passed and I feel better for it! Happy times ahead? I hope so.
IfiKnewThen Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 shouts out to is2008 "hide that photo" good job is2008. sometimes we just need a break from even seeing their image or any memory attached to them thereof. cling to good friends and family. i just found out a VERY special friend of mine has adult leukemia and it came as quite shocking news. of course i will be praying for her. she lives miles away from me and having my disability makes it near impossible to get to her. very frustrating. but i starting thinking....wow she has been an awesome friend since 1996. that's when we met online with out disabilities. we were in this online support group together. and i don't know what i would have done without her. and we fell out of touch for a while there..but anytime we got back in touch, we always picked things up where we used to. and we were both grateful that we got in touch, via phone and mail again, just recently. well we were kinda scheduled to talk again this week when her husband sent out a mass mail that she was in the hospital diagnosed with leukemia. so i dont want to sounds all preachy, but we all still have friends or someone real special to us (that didnt break our hearts) and we need to value them and the time we have with them, so lets all try to start making them important too and keep in touch and let that heal us. (believe me i am talking to myself here too). she is one of the few friends left i can really talk to without judgment. meaning..she NEVER judged me. she is kind and christian hearted. anyone who prays i ask that you consider her inn your prayers. thanks. anyway i am grateful for you too is2008 and your kind words and your input on LS that not only help heal you, but help in healing others. let your friends and family distract you from your pain and help it heal you in anyway it can. i know youre in great pain but you have come a long way too and you are stronger than you think and you are also an inspiration. keep posting. keep being YOU. and dont let anyone change your good kind heart. God bless.
Author is2008 Posted February 28, 2011 Author Posted February 28, 2011 DAY 9: Had a very eventful weekend. Saturday was partially filled with anxiety but overcame it. Sunday was the first time I'd gone out with girls in a LONG time. I don't really have many girl friends (probably 2!) so I went out with my sister and her friends, some boys some girls. It was a new experience and it was going really well up until a certain point... a small insignificant incident occured. I drove home alone and was crying on the way back and I cried a LOT when I got home, floods of tears... here was me thinking I had an express ticket to healing. Don't get me wrong, it was nice to be around girls, one of them even thought I was good looking (the other had a bf but said she liked my "swagger") but I hated the fact I'd been forced into moving on by my ex. It just made me realise how difficult it actually is to find someone you bond with so much. I think I'd tried to run before I learnt to walk... I expected too much of myself. In time, I think my ex may realise the bond thing too. My emotional ties run really deep with my ex. If there was any time in the relationship where my flame was alight and burning bright, it was now. After my US trip and she stole that away from me. In the past, she's done stuff wrong, we've gone on extended periods of NC and she's walked back in when the dust has settled. I don't know if she thinks this time will be the same... I don't know if I think this time will be the same. I am maintaining NC though for my own healing and dignity and in time I will move on, when I'm ready. She told me she wanted me to move on. I am glad I'm breaking out of my comfort zone, otherwise I'm destined for a single life. --------------------------------- IfIKnewThen - Hope you had a good weekend I'm really sorry to hear about your friend being in hospital. Perhaps you could schedule a phone call with her to let her know you're thinking of her if you can't make it in person? I'm sure she'll appreciate it. I am trying to be strong in this difficult time and getting over this CAN be done, I just need the focus and time. I'm actually glad I'm crying, I've had my tears bottled up for ages, and my long cry relieved some of that tension. I didn't stop myself, I let it flow! Actually feel like round 2 right now... but I'm at work. So going to keep myself busy and try not to think about her. My heart and brain are expecting a call any day, I wake up expecting a call on the home phone, I get into work and expect a call on the work phone. I hope the expectation passes.
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