Author Ay Diesel T Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 FWIW, I don't think you were uncaring to her about the pregnancy thing, just that you have many over-arching attitudes that you described to us in your own words that make you look like an *******. Also, you being a jerk with bad attitudes and her being crazy are not mutually exclusive. FTR, I think both are kind of the case here, but using her crazy to justify your attitudes towards your actions doesn't make any sense. What someone else does rarely justifies any actions on another person's part, unless it's some kind of immediate self-defense or the people in question are in Elementary School. Well, I appreciate your opinion but I've got to tell you that it is not fact. I wasn't a jerk to her. A jerk would've MADE the plans to see her and completely ignore her the next day. So where's the jerk in this whole scenario?
zengirl Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Well, I appreciate your opinion but I've got to tell you that it is not fact. I wasn't a jerk to her. A jerk would've MADE the plans to see her and completely ignore her the next day. So where's the jerk in this whole scenario? Did I say you were a jerk specifically to her? I said you were a jerk in general, based on the "default" attitudes you present in your OP and throughout this thread. I think I've outlined them above, so I'm not going to belabour the point too much but it comes down to your extensive ego, dismissive attitude, feelings of entitlement, and writing about women as though they were disposable (that's all right there in what YOU WROTE in your OP).
LittleTiger Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 I wasn't a jerk to her. A fair number of us think you were - and you might want to consider taking that as useful feedback from the women on here - it seems even some men are agreeing with us.
Author Ay Diesel T Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 I don't think jerk is the word. I'm just indifferent to a woman's needs if I'm not seriously involved with her. Still polite and respectful about it, but I can see how said women will call me a jerk. If I were interested in someone and they were indifferent towards my needs and wants I'd just stop talking to them. Maybe I'm taking being single to another level? In my eyes, if I'm single, I'm entitled to do whatever I want. So just because a woman shows interest in me, and I in her, why should I start to cater to her just because it's what she wants? Why can't the both of us just play it cool and let things flow, perhaps we'll grow together? Why must there be pressure?
zengirl Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 I don't just think you're indifferent, but dismissive of other people's needs. To me, that makes someone a jerk. It's got nothing to do with single or romance or whatnot. Again, nobody is saying that you have to be in a relationship with someone you don't want to be, but if you don't think a person could do that with better attitudes and behaviors than you've demonstrated here and throughout your posts . . . then yes, that's being a jerk. Especially if you interact with someone to the level where you are physically intimate with them, they shouldn't be some object outside yourself whose feelings don't matter. That is a person you've engaged with in some way, a person you've let into your sphere, and their feelings and needs should matter to some degree, and you should be completely open going into it, if you're going to act with integrity. You're very wishy washy. You want what you want when you want it, and you don't really seem to care who you hurt --- or you don't think you should have to care. That's being a jerk. There's no law against it, but there's no law against someone thinking or saying you're an ******* for it either.
Author Ay Diesel T Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 I don't just think you're indifferent, but dismissive of other people's needs. To me, that makes someone a jerk. It's got nothing to do with single or romance or whatnot. Again, nobody is saying that you have to be in a relationship with someone you don't want to be, but if you don't think a person could do that with better attitudes and behaviors than you've demonstrated here and throughout your posts . . . then yes, that's being a jerk. Especially if you interact with someone to the level where you are physically intimate with them, they shouldn't be some object outside yourself whose feelings don't matter. That is a person you've engaged with in some way, a person you've let into your sphere, and their feelings and needs should matter to some degree, and you should be completely open going into it, if you're going to act with integrity. You're very wishy washy. You want what you want when you want it, and you don't really seem to care who you hurt --- or you don't think you should have to care. That's being a jerk. There's no law against it, but there's no law against someone thinking or saying you're an ******* for it either. So again, me wanting time to myself is ignoring her needs? I'm supposed to drop everything I'm doing, give up my free time to myself just because she wants to see me....and all of that because we had sex? Man that's a bunch of garbage.
zengirl Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 So again, me wanting time to myself is ignoring her needs? I'm supposed to drop everything I'm doing, give up my free time to myself just because she wants to see me....and all of that because we had sex? Man that's a bunch of garbage. You are missing my point completely. My point is, again, WAY more about the attitudes towards people you've expressed in this thread than anything to do with this specific girl. It's about the thought-zone of where you're coming from in this, and other situations. Your focus on this one instance is very myopic, and likely not the answer to the original question of why girls seem to think you're an *******.
Author Ay Diesel T Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 Maybe I'm not a people person :S Perhaps I'm truely not ready for a relationship, I've got so much going on in my life that it's costly to put that extra energy into somebody else. But at the same time, I want a LTR with a woman who can understand that and see where I'm coming from. Maybe she has to be equally as busy as I.
zengirl Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Maybe I'm not a people person :S Perhaps I'm truely not ready for a relationship, I've got so much going on in my life that it's costly to put that extra energy into somebody else. But at the same time, I want a LTR with a woman who can understand that and see where I'm coming from. Maybe she has to be equally as busy as I. It's not about someone being busy. There are tons of times when my BF or I are busy, and that has nothing to do with the level of priority or respect we put in the relationship. Some people care about days a week spent together; others don't. That's not the point, it is a complete strawman to the point of what is fouling you in my view. You don't seem to have the ability to empathize well with another person (which is not to say you never do anything nice for people), respect the sacredness of people --- that sounds weird, but I really don't have a great way to put it, besides just expressing that any hint or drop of an attitude that people are in any way disposable or interchangeable (which you basically said about women in your OP) is going to turn off most healthy, good people. It's the same as women who are filling a slot, scaring the **** out of men. If a woman feels like she's just filling that "girl" slot and not a unique, special, and interesting individual to you, she's going to wind up calling you an ******* in the end. And she's pretty much going to be right. This wasn't an example where you were totally upfront with the girl, and she happened to want more time than you can give. Come on. You knew (or at least could have known) she would want more time, and you slept with her anyway, and you had ever reason to expect she'd react as she did, but you did it anyway, because you wanted some play. You knew you weren't going to hang out with her the next night, but you dribbed and drabbed out texts, rather than said, "Naw, tomorrow's no good." You're neither prioritizing other people's feelings, nor being honest and open with them about what you're doing. This is not to say that every time someone wants to hang out you have to say yes. That is not your infraction, and it is not offensive to say, "Hey, no can do tomorrow" to most healthy people, and focusing on it is making you lose sight of the actual issue.
LittleTiger Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Maybe I'm not a people person :S Perhaps I'm truely not ready for a relationship, I've got so much going on in my life that it's costly to put that extra energy into somebody else. But at the same time, I want a LTR with a woman who can understand that and see where I'm coming from. Maybe she has to be equally as busy as I. Ay Diesel, if you genuinely want a LTR then, judging by almost every one of your posts on LS so far, your busy schedule is the least of your problems. The way that you currently project yourself, most intelligent women would avoid you like the plague. Being 'ready for a relationship' is about considerably more than just having the time or the energy for one. All of Zengirl's posts are spot on. You asked in your OP why girls think you're an ********. Well there's your answer. Maybe a bit of introspection and personal development would avoid women hurling these kinds of insults at you in future.
Author Ay Diesel T Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 Lol this **** is laughable, a mod can kill this thread whenever. I'm done with it.
dispatch3d Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Yeah, I think you're looking for someone who adds to your life. It sounds like what you ran into is a girl who figured because she slept with you you should now do certain things for her. And that is what bothered you. Meh fair enough. If you don't want to deal with someone elses issues, and she's already giving you issues then yeah she's probably the wrong person for you. I'd only be concerned that you are kinda chasing unicorns, or something that doesn't exist. I don't blame you for giving up on the thread. The women in this thread were for the most part projecting and using strawmen of guys who used them. I don't think you use women at all. You seem like a genuinely good guy, stick to your word, etc. I think some of your attitudes may trigger that switch in them (because prehaps those guys have similar viewpoints as you). But meh, what can you do about that? Anyhow, it was good reading how you think about women. Best of luck in the future. blah to be fair, she probably just got scared, and started focusing on her fears rather than reality. Much like how those same+similar fears are showing up in some of the posters in the thread.
LittleTiger Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Lol this **** is laughable, a mod can kill this thread whenever. I'm done with it. Laughable? Really? You asked the question, why women label you an *******? If Zengirl's explanation isn't enough for you - perhaps you should refer to one of your own posts from a different thread. It makes enlightening reading! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3230713#post3230713 (And FTR, a mod can kill the thread whenever they like - whether you're done with it or not!) Anyhow, it was good reading how you think about women. This is very, very sad.
Tayla Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Thank you Little Tiger for that link! It added to the confirmation of this posters perspective (or less then open minded perspective). Carhill seemed even keel on the response so that deserves said. I doubt the OP will heed an opposite genders view point....Which will definitely bring a red flag in any attempt at a LTR....
zengirl Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 (edited) The women in this thread were for the most part projecting and using strawmen of guys who used them. Nothing to project. I've not been "used" by a man, so far as I know. His own words say he uses women and sees them as disposable in his OP. And, yeah, I saw the linked post before. Pretty gross. Reminds me of that poster who used to have the car picture up all the time; not remembering the name, but it's all been said before on LS. I never expect guys like that to listen to me, but I do expect they'll keep experiencing the same cycle until they change something in their lives. People who ask questions but really only seek answers that validate them will never get any better, and it only gets worse as you get older. Edited February 5, 2011 by zengirl
Joe Normal Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Sounds like you are attracting insecure women. You should cater LESS to their BS drama. A good reply to that one-night drama queen would have been to tell her "Drama bores me. Call me in a few days once you've got it out of your system." Then ignore her calls for a few days. Or if a woman accuses you of being a player, just brush it off with a joke "Yeah, I'm seeing 3 models at an orgy tomorrow. Wanna come with me and meet them?" Basically, stop allowing the women to set the frame of conversation with their whining and drama. Keep in control of things, brush off their juvenilia and don't play their game. Make the conversation go where YOU want it to, not them. Alternatively, go for more mature/educated women. Sounds like you are dating a lot of shallow/younger girls.
Joe Normal Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Lol this **** is laughable, a mod can kill this thread whenever. I'm done with it. You are annoying to a certain type of irritating, judgemental, busy-body feminazi precisely because you *are* doing the right thing - holding out for a relationship on terms that please you. A lot of these women want men to cater to their needs, and can't comprehend the shoe being on the other foot. You don't compromise (much) and only do what you are happy with doing. And an independent, in-demand guy like that drives these ball-breaking control freaks crazy. Just ignore their ranting. I gave a solid post for how to reduce the drama and get a bit more going on the dating side, but I'd say you are 90% doing the right things already. Don't let other people's strident opinions sway you from the correct course.
Author Ay Diesel T Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 (edited) Wheeeeew. So an update, albeit a pretty nerve wracking one. She got her period, but she went in for blood work and it came out positive for pregnancy. They did an ultrasound and didn't see anything though, so she has to go back in for another blood test in 2 weeks, and another ultrasound. How is it possible she had her period but is pregnant? Also, what could give a false positive blood test ? Update - she took a home pregnancy test and it came out negative. She gets her 2nd set of blood work tomorrow. Edited February 9, 2011 by Ay Diesel T
MrNate Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Wheeeeew. So an update, albeit a pretty nerve wracking one. She got her period, but she went in for blood work and it came out positive for pregnancy. They did an ultrasound and didn't see anything though, so she has to go back in for another blood test in 2 weeks, and another ultrasound. How is it possible she had her period but is pregnant? Also, what could give a false positive blood test ? Update - she took a home pregnancy test and it came out negative. She gets her 2nd set of blood work tomorrow. I guess I'll say it for you... 'oh lawd!'
elaina Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Genuinely good looking guy here. In good shape. From feedback, and what I can see, guess I'm quite the looker for the ladies... :S Cause of this, the need/urge to get with a woman isn't as evident, in fact, one is more laid back and non-chalant with women. I hardly chase them, and keep the compliments few..because in the back of my mind, I know that if I want a woman, all I have to do is go out and get one. When there's a relationship in it's beginning stages with a woman, they tend to get insecure with me. They'll tell me things like "you must have all the women after you" or "you seem like a playboy", things of that sort. I'm a straight forward guy, and like mentioned before, pretty laid back when it comes to women because I know where I stand amongst other men...and my apparent level of attraction with women. But why is this bad? How come women just write me off as a jerk or some player? Was involved with a nice young lady a couple of weeks ago. We used to chit chat, but had a fall out and didn't speak for about 5 months. We recently linked up again, and after a week of talking, we had sex. When I was leaving she inquired about my schedule the day after, I gave it to her, she said "cool we should hang out or something". Fast forward to the next day, she's texting me while I'm at work. Conversation is playful and flirty but neither she nor I bring up hanging out for the night, in fact, I went to hang out with my friend that night. The next day while doing homework, sent her a text asking her for this really cute picture she had. She replied "No. Not after you ditched me last night. I don't know why I even like you, in fact, I don't like you. You're an *******. Every other guy would be all over me, but you just **** me and leave." Shocked, I plead my case, she just wasn't having it. ......I mean.....what the hell man? Having a hard time understanding why when I don't behave like a desperate horny buffoon...I get punished for it. Obviously I'm laid back with women because it's not hard for me to get women, but that doesn't make me an *******. So why do I catch these negative labels on an occasional basis? Is there something I'm missing here? Should I be filling her head with compliments, constantly contacting her? What the hell bro. OP, I don't think you understand how many women think... As a woman, I understand her side much better than yours. Her side is this: ya'll started talking again - step 1. Ya'll had sex - the BIG step. Next step to her I think would have been to hang out again the next day (and days after that, at least a little bit of your time) and get even closer than physical intimacy. I think ya'll missed a couple of steps from step 1 to the BIG step, and for women who want a LTR with the guy, that really bothers them. So, here's what's probably going through her mind. "He just used me for sex, and now he's blown me off but then just wants a pic of me to masturbate to and once he has the urge, he'll just want to use me for sex again and drop me again. I'm not a toy and I refuse to be treated like this. Why did I even like him in the first place?" Does this train of thought make her want to spend more time with you? No, not unless she's desperate, and as her message to you implies, you are not irreplaceable (like Beyonce's song lol.) That's not what many women want in a relationship, to feel that way! So, lessons that you can learn for this is to talk with the woman you like. Before sex ideally, you could tell them that you like to spend time with friends and don't feel the need to hang out with the woman you are starting a relationship with everyday... COMMUNICATE!!! For many women, just understanding that will really help, but sadly so many woman have been used and disposed that they are jaded, and only by good communication will your woman not be upset by your behavior. Talk to her... what you should have done is said something like this... "Sweetie, I had already planned to hang out with one of my friends... yeah he's a dude. No need to worry... can we hang out later? Thanks for understanding your gorgeous! i'll call you later..." (and then make sure to call later!) You see what I mean? But you didn't tell her that you were going to your friend's, did you? And you knew that she wanted to spend time with you, but you did not communicate effectively (nor did she) but she naturally assumed you were a loser and a player, and she wants a quality man.
elaina Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 (edited) I guess I take the whole "benefit of a doubt" thing a step too far. But please, she isn't a bitch lol. She's a nice girl, when she isn't acting crazy. Just wanted to say that in this post, you did display gentlemanliness, cause a true gentleman doesn't mock a woman or put her down like that even if she calls him an *******. I respect you for that. Just remember she may have been hurt in the past and likes you enough to want to be with you but scared that you'll hurt her too. Being scared can make many sane people act "crazy" About the pregnancy, so many women do get pregnant and have abortions or decide to give birth to the baby and give him/her up for adoption or keep the baby. However, it's so hard for women who do get pregnant by a guy who doesn't love them... I have friends who have and yes they get into panic mode, which is sad. When I was married, you don't know how much I wanted a baby, but I couldn't get pregnant (I don't know if I ever can.) and so when women who get pregnant freak out instead of rejoice, it makes me so sad. Being pregnant should be a happy time, but for many women it's a scary time if the man doesn't love her or if the timing is wrong or other reasons that make it a scary thing instead of a wonderful thing, you know? Edited February 10, 2011 by elaina
Author Ay Diesel T Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 I hear you, that's exactly what it is. Her last boyfriend did her very wrong. She actually got pregnant with him and he FORCED her to have an abortion. I just want to be there for her, and it was actually her choice and mine to take the abortion. She wants to go through with the surgical abortion, but that's pretty horrific. I'm trying to inform her of the chemical abortion, so it'll be less traumatizing on her. She told me either way it'll be traumatizing for her, and I realize this, but I don't want her going through anymore pain than she already has to...I know she's been through alot.
elaina Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I hear you, that's exactly what it is. Her last boyfriend did her very wrong. She actually got pregnant with him and he FORCED her to have an abortion. I just want to be there for her, and it was actually her choice and mine to take the abortion. She wants to go through with the surgical abortion, but that's pretty horrific. I'm trying to inform her of the chemical abortion, so it'll be less traumatizing on her. She told me either way it'll be traumatizing for her, and I realize this, but I don't want her going through anymore pain than she already has to...I know she's been through alot. I'm really glad you care for her. That's awesome... that does prove you're not being just a player. Thanks for being there for her. I know sometimes us women do seem crazy at times, but that's just how we are. I bet she wishes this, and please don't take it wrong k? I bet she wishes the following: 1. that you loved her. 2. that you wanted to live with her and grow old together 3. that you wanted ya'lls baby (if she wants kids... does she want kids someday?) The above is what many women want. Anyways, how you are being there for her is awesome. It shows me at least (and you don't have to prove yourself to anyone) that you have a good heart. You have my respect for that.
Author Ay Diesel T Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 I'm really glad you care for her. That's awesome... that does prove you're not being just a player. Thanks for being there for her. I know sometimes us women do seem crazy at times, but that's just how we are. I bet she wishes this, and please don't take it wrong k? I bet she wishes the following: 1. that you loved her. 2. that you wanted to live with her and grow old together 3. that you wanted ya'lls baby (if she wants kids... does she want kids someday?) The above is what many women want. Anyways, how you are being there for her is awesome. It shows me at least (and you don't have to prove yourself to anyone) that you have a good heart. You have my respect for that. The 2nd day after her period was late, she called me. I was busy with schoolwork, so I texted her back. She wanted me over at her place asap. I was reluctant, but she told me she was going through things and needed me there. So I sucked it up, went over to her place, and she cried in my arms for about an hour. She told me she wants to be loved she really does, and I felt bad cause I know that I'll probably never love her like she wants. In anger she told me that I don't have to worry about anything, she'll take care of the situation on her own. But I told her that I'm not worried about money, I just want to be there for her through these tough times cause lord knows, she needs it. If she isn't pregnant, I'll stick around, not for sex (that's the last thing on my mind), but to help her out if she's ever going through things. But I don't know if that'll help her or be worse, seeing as she has strong feelings for me.
SmileFace Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 You sticking around will not help her, even though she will never push you away. It will be like, cutting an open wound. You will not be helping her at all. Unless you want to be guilted into a relationship. If you see no future for you and this girl. Be there to support her and your decision but she doesn't need much more. This is grown women and I understand she is hurting but this isn't easy for either of you. So please remember your feelings in this. If she does turn out to be pregnant , remember this . Remember what it was like to have to support someone in a decision like this.
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