Girlfriend left me

January 29, 2011

Well im not sure if this will help , but i guess theres nothing to lose

3 weeks ago my girlfriend of 6 years left me.

When we first met she was 18 and i was 21, i think it was probably our first true love for both of us.

We dated for 3 years and then bought a flat together and have been living together for the last 3 years.

We had our ups and downs but nothing major, and it was the happiest 6 years of my life.

6 months ago we got a puppy together which she had to persuade me to get as i wasnt sure we'd be able to take care of her properly and we were talking about getting married and how are life together would be.

the Christmas holidays together were great and i had no idea that anything bad was coming, then For the last week or so of being together things were a bit rough, like a few arguments, but still nothing massive or totally out of the ordinary, until one day at work i get a text saying that 'nothing seems to be working anymore, she feels unhappy all the time'

anyway we had a massive text conversation back and forth, the gist of it being that she doesnt know how she feels about us or herself anymore, she doesnt like the person she is anymore and needs to work out how to make herself happy again.

She says its nothing to do with anything that ive done, and that she thinks im one the kindest and genuine people she knows.

I have since realised that i was far from the perfect partner, i took her for granted and could have been a lot more supportive to her, more romantic and loads of stuff that i should have been.

So she moved out of the flat and is staying at a friends house until she can move back to her parents house. And im alone in the home that we made for each other, looking after our puppy which i thought was going to be the start of our little family together.

I dont know what i expect to achieve from posting on here, ultimately i want her back, shes the love of my life, when i picture my future, shes there, i want to marry her and have kids with her. I pretty much know this is not going to happen and this strikes fear and pain into my heart.

I feel totally helpless, completely alone and its hard to even get out of bed in the morning. I feel like there is a dull piece of lead in my chest where my heart used to be. I really do wish that i was dead right now.

How do i make myself feel better? i know its early days, but i just cant take feeling like this. I cant even be angry at her, shes the kindest, most beautiful and caring person ive ever met, and shes doing all this because its what she believes is right, which i guess is pretty damn brave.

Doing NC is unrealistic as we obviously have loads to sort out, like selling the flat, working out what do with the dog etc.

I know i should keep active, meet new people etc but its hard to even do that as i have a 7month old pup to look after, shes alone all day when im at work and i wouldnt have the heart to leave her again in the evening.

Sooo please someone please share some wisdom or advice, i know you have probably seen all this before, but im going out of my head here

Thanks

January 29, 2011

We've got a lot in common in our stories there friend.

We even hail from the same part of the world, although I'm a long way from home these days.

Nobody answered my message earlier today, it's sad that something so simple would help a lot in these desperate times.

I have nothing productive to offer, I've been hoping for something myself all day but I know there's only 1 person I want to hear from right now & that seems very unlikely as the hours creep on.

I hope somebody comes up with some productive advice for either of us but in the meantime know you are not alone in this pain.

January 30, 2011

Thanks nick, there seems to be a lot of heartache going around at the moment, but i never thought in a million years that it would happen to me.

January 31, 2011

Anyone at all?

January 31, 2011

Hi oldSOULe,

Sounds very similar to my situation as well ... The only difference being i have a child involved and i have moved out as opposed to the other way around. It seems that over time these things have just taken their toll and much like you with hindsight there is so much i would change.

Also i dont think you are too far away from me either in the UK.

Unfortunately there is no definitive answer at the minute. Just take each day as it comes, every day will be different i promise you.

Some days you will cry and be an emotional wreck - Let that all come out. Confide in a close friend or family member, but dont bottle everything up because it will only make things worse.
Some days you will think rationally about everything and you wont be that bad. Ok you will still have that lingering feeling but you will start to think about things and they will make sense.

No contact for me is out of the question because i need to see my daughter so there is always an element of contact. What i have learned is there needs to be a limited amount of contact. It took me 2 weeks to realise this though and i suppose i am now only just seeing the benefits of it all because i feel like i am very slowly gaining control of my life again.

I know you said no contact is unrealistic because you need to sort out the house, the puppy etc but for the time being you need to put all of that on the back burner and put yourself first. If you dont feel like you can go to completely no contact because of these things then maybe you should aim for limited contact to begin with. When you do have contact with her make sure its just about the things you need to get sorted out.

Make sure that when you do make contact you are doing it for the correct reasons though - Do not contact her unless you need to get something sorted, do not get in touch with her just so that you are having a level of contact because it will only make it harder for you and wont help either your emotional/mental state or the situation.

I know you are longing for her back and the life you had. Its such a big change in your life that it is always going to be so hard to take. I have my own thread up and this quote will stick with me forever in terms of this situation

FERN: Think about it this way - the things you need to do to get over her are the same things you need to do to get her back. So you just do them.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3219176#post3219176

I feel totally helpless, completely alone and its hard to even get out of bed in the morning. I feel like there is a dull piece of lead in my chest where my heart used to be. I really do wish that i was dead right now.

I have had these feelings - i think its almost natural to have these feelings. Just remember all of those around you and how it would effect their lives. That dull feeling is what everyone experiences. You have got to stay strong for yourself and the people that care about you (even that little puppy)

January 31, 2011

Thanks for the response mate. I know its all true but its so damn hard. Looking for a new home for my doggy, cant see no other way, its like a second heartbreak, im absolutely gutted.

January 31, 2011

Thanks for the response mate. I know its all true but its so damn hard. Looking for a new home for my doggy, cant see no other way, its like a second heartbreak, im absolutely gutted.

It is hard and there is nothing else like it. If there is one thing i know its how hard it is ... You cant switch off, you cant stop thinking about everything and it wears you down. You need to stay busy, involve yourself with your friends if you can. Dont resort to going out every weekend or going and getting drunk because you will only regret it and feel worse for it but surround yourself with a support group of mates who you know will be there for you.

Well you know where i am (and the rest of the people on this board) if you need any help in terms of how you are feeling or any advice. I am only new to this myself and i am still hurting a hell of a lot as well. I suppose your situation sort of mirrors mine which is why i am able to give some advice to you.

Someone suggested keeping a diary of how you are feeling to help distinguish everything. I am using this site as my diary in a way. I am getting everything how i am feeling down on here, wether it be used to help someone else like yourself or if its on my own thread ... Everyone needs a little advice sometimes, when it comes from someone completely outside the situation like on here its not jaded by any other views.

People can give you all the advice in the world, wether it be friends, family etc but you have to ultimately make the decision in what you need to do ... Just be assured in yourself that you are making that decision for a reason.

Stay strong mate

February 1, 2011

Seeing my ex ( even just saying ex makes me want to cry ) affer work today. Shes been having valuations of the flat done which we need to discuss.

It makes me feel sick to think that she clearly isnt having any doubts about this whatsoever.

This evening might be my last chance to talk to her about us, do i get these questions off my chest or do i just stay schtum and talk only of the flat and dog etc.

I also have a letter to give her, no begging or pleading just saying how i feel and stuff.

Man this really is the worst pain imaginable

February 1, 2011

Seeing my ex ( even just saying ex makes me want to cry ) affer work today. Shes been having valuations of the flat done which we need to discuss

I promise this will get easier - Honestly it will ... I am only just over 2 weeks and i can deal with it without crying. Thats not to say dont cry, get all the emotion out and dont keep it locked away because its not going to help you.

Chin up bud - Take solace in the fact that you know you arent a bad person and this isnt all your fault.

Remember that although you would have made mistakes in the relationship (everyone does) , so did she and she made the biggest mistake of all by keeping everything bottled up and not telling you how she was feeling until this all came to a head which is why it has ended like it has. (same boat as me)

If she would have said something sooner then you could have taken the steps to make this work. THIS ISNT YOUR FAULT !!

This evening might be my last chance to talk to her about us, do i get these questions off my chest or do i just stay schtum and talk only of the flat and dog etc.

OK well this it tough - It wont be the last time you get the chance to speak to her, i am sure of it - Sorting out a house isnt that straight forward. I think that it may even be too soon because of how you are feeling (you probably feel like your feelings wont change but they will) ... do you have to do it today ?? Could you put it off for a few days at least to give you a bit more time ??

Ok lets assume it is happening. You need to be strong, you need to try and front up to this like you havent got a care in the world although that couldnt be further from the truth. Try and show her that you are getting on with your life.

Ask yourself this - If she does answer your questions will you be satisfied with her answers. From my recent experience you are only left wanting to ask more and go deep into the answer she gave - Something that she may not be willing to do. She may end up just telling you something which she thinks you want to hear just to let you down gently as opposed to the truth.

I found myself asking the same questions again and again. Yes you want answers and i understand that but just consider .

If you get caught in a spiral of emotional questions you will both crumble and it will be even harder in the future. You run the risk of driving a wedge between you ...

also have a letter to give her, no begging or pleading just saying how i feel and stuff.

The letter can go one of two ways for me - I once sent a letter to an ex only to regret it a week or so later because my feelings changed so rapidly and what i wanted to say kept changing that. It made me feel wonderful to let her know how i was feeling but when i thought about it, i realised it was nothing she didnt already know.

It makes me wonder even today wether she kept that letter (you know thats the sort of sentimental thing that women do) - 3 months later she sent me an e-mail along the same lines of the letter - i still have that although i have had to use a lot willpower to not look at it (even though it was a different person)

Some people will say yes its what they think is best, some people will say no - I am indifferent despite what i said above.

Only you can make that decision but be assured you are making the right one

______________________________________________________________

Take some time out today to think what you want to do ...

Did you manage to confide in a close friend/family member. Ask them if they could maybe meet up at lunchtime and talk it through with them. Honestly you will realise that EVERYONE who cares about you is there for you ... Even people that you may have almost forgot about. They say that a true friend can pick up where you may have got lost in the past like nothing has happened. DO NOT be scared to talk to people that you trust and care about

Let me know how you get on mate - Seriously ... As i said before i know i am hurting but even though i dont know you in person or anything like that if something good comes out of all of this and i can help you by sharing my experiences and advice with you then its at least thats something...

February 1, 2011

Thanks mate, it really means a lot that even though you are in pain, you still take the time to help me out.

I have 3 good friends that i know will always be there for me and a great family to confide in. But once i leave them and go home to my empty flat the feelings of dread seep back in and i feel so alone and helpless again. I know its pathetic, just waiting and hoping for it to get easier.

Your words really do mean alot to me mate, in a sick way its reassuring to know that other people are feeling your same pain.

February 1, 2011

Thanks mate, it really means a lot that even though you are in pain, you still take the time to help me out.

I have 3 good friends that i know will always be there for me and a great family to confide in. But once i leave them and go home to my empty flat the feelings of dread seep back in and i feel so alone and helpless again. I know its pathetic, just waiting and hoping for it to get easier.

Your words really do mean alot to me mate, in a sick way its reassuring to know that other people are feeling your same pain.

No problem at all mate - i feel your pain, i really do (quite literally i suppose) I know what you mean about other people feeling the pain. Just look through the threads on here, its re-assuring to know its not just you.

I try to comment when i feel i can because it helps me to deal with things in my own head as well. Some things i cant relate to at all on other peoples threads.

What about getting those mates together for the night or asking them to come over one by one each night - Keep you busy, keep them busy and it wont seem like such a dark place when you are there on your own ... They will be there for you and you will get used to your surroundings again and be comfortable with it a lot quicker.

February 1, 2011

Hi oldSOULe

I just wanted to comment and say that I'm also in the same position as you.

My g/f of 7 and a half years broke up with me last Wednesday night so it's been less than a week for me.

We were both 20 when we met at university.

My story is that we'd been going strong for what I thought was quite a while but then we had a rough patch before Christmas. It started when she stopped showing me signs of affection and our sex life dried up all together. I brought this up with her as being shunned when going for a kiss started to hurt me. She apologised and things looked up for a while. Then she started going out with her friends on girls nights out constantly even switching exercise classes from one with me to a similar one with her friends. Then, boom, she drops the bomb that it just isn't working anymore and can we be friends? She said life in the house had become boring.

I, like you, realised that I was far from the perfect partner. For example, money was tight, and I mean very tight, so I was a bit of a Scrooge, clamping down on nights out and takeaways in order to pay bills. I was so busy concentrating on 'surviving' that I wasn't 'living'. I'd also become quite bored because of this and was probably a little down but I was trying to stick at it.

I felt betrayed. I'd become the Scrooge so that we'd have a future. We'd have saved to have a wedding, a car, a house in the future. The problem was that as the budget got tighter and tighter, I started looking not years, but months ahead, then months became only weeks but I still felt we had a future. I loved her

Happiness to me was being together despite the hardships. Happiness to her meant get away from the hardships. To her it seemed that, in the current situation, it was fun or a relationship, not both.

I know we'll never get back together, especially as I can see that she's now smiling again and having fun (we work in the same building but thankfully not the same office), but I'd still love her to come back to me.

I, like you, have to summon the energy to get out of bed and it feels like a bomb has gone off in my chest, leaving just a hole. It's the worst feeling I've ever had to deal with. And all of this came on top of the death of our pet only days before!!

I really do feel your pain mate. I can't imagine anyone going through a worse experience than that which we are going through. I also know how hard it is to follow advice because, although you know it makes sense, you're too close to the eye of the storm and your broken heart overules the logic of your head far too often.

I'm afraid I can't offer much help as I like you are seeking the advice, but I do hope that by hearing my story you realise that you're not alone in what you're going through.

I'd also like to that TheThinker as what has been said has helped me immensely.

February 1, 2011

i did the same thing as renard, got boring and only focused on finances. I let myself go physically after i quit smoking and gained like 50+ pounds. It does get better mate lemme tell you, im going on 4 weeks. The pain is still there being alone constantly and the worst is before and after bed. I find myself thinking about it then the most. She was taking care of the apt (not so much towards the end) and now its all my responsibility. I guess i needed to grow up. My biggest recommendation: GO TO THE GYM. This is what is helping me the most and regaining confidence in myself. Its hard and frustrating at first but you need to stick with it. Also, force yourself to go out whenever the opportunity presents itself. I have like no friends where I live since we moved away to be together and obviously thats not the case anymore so whenever anyone invites me out Ive been forcing myself to try and get my life back. I know you feel the need to talk to her but you need to keep it limited, shes not going to miss you if your always around. Also i know your all torn up but when you do contact/see her, try your best to be as happy as you can be even tho its eating you up inside. This is what I've been doing my best to stick to and I have made some progress. It still hurts and probably will for a while but take a look at the big picture.

February 1, 2011

Thanks z00m25

I had been thinking of going to the gym (the exercise classes I mentioned were an attempt for me to get back to fitness as I used to play soccer but gave up after a knee injury) so now might just be the right time.

I have had to talk to her quite a bit the last couple of days over a few joint ventures we had together, and, despite me feeling a lot of anger towards her lately (my feelings keep going through phases) the 'gentleman' in me has managed to win through and the conversations have gone smoothly, quickly and have been successful in resolving things. I felt awful afterwards and got very emotional when I got home but managed to stay calm when with her. It took every scrap of energy to do it, but I did it.

February 1, 2011

She made an excuse, possibly legit about having to go to her Nans and left before i got home anyways.

Everyones telling me to get to the gym and to be honest i really do want to, it would be good to take my mind off things whilst improving myself, but then i still have my puppy to look after, once ive got her a new family sorted i will definately be rejoining the gym.

I think with us it was the other way round, she got herself into quite a large debt with credit cards and never told me the full extent of it. If i had known how much it was and how down it was getting her, i could have helped her sort it out instead i used to have a go at her for wasting money, when she was probably only buying stuff cos she was depressed.

We had a joint account and personal accounts, and i nearly always had spare money and could have definately taken some of the weight off her shoulders if she had just let me know how she was feeling.

Edited February 1, 2011 by oldSOULe
sp

February 1, 2011

Renard, im sorry mate thats absolutely terrible. It really churns you up inside, especially when you can see, or think you can see that theyre doing much better than you are.

My ex is joking and talking about football and stuff on facebook like nothings happened, whereas i sit at home on relationship forums wishing i was dead.

But im sure she is actually upset, and im sure your ex is too, you cant be with someone for that long and not feel bad, surely...

February 2, 2011

So we rescheduled for Friday evening to talk about the flat.

She suggested we get a pizza (her favourite food).

Why does this give my heart a flicker of hope, like its gonna be like a regular friday evening or something stupid, when my head tells me that there is no hope to be had from this, were going to be talking about selling our home for christs sake not watching a movie and cuddling on the sofa.

I still cant shake any of this from my mind, not even for one minute of the day, its really starting to wear me down now.

February 2, 2011

So we rescheduled for Friday evening to talk about the flat.
She suggested we get a pizza (her favourite food).
Why does this give my heart a flicker of hope, like its gonna be like a regular friday evening or something stupid, when my head tells me that there is no hope to be had from this, were going to be talking about selling our home for christs sake not watching a movie and cuddling on the sofa.

I still cant shake any of this from my mind, not even for one minute of the day, its really starting to wear me down now.

It will do mate but now is the time to stay strong and keep your chin up.

What about getting everyting down on paper so you know what subjects you need to approach before she arrives (possibly put them on your phone as a message so that you can check it without looking a bit weird referring to a bit of paper) ... At least that way you arent going to be going off on a tangent every time you talk because you will want to ask a million questions and then over again (This was certainly the case with me)

February 3, 2011

I think ive decided not to hastle her with too many questions, probably try not to talk about us at all as i think it will only reinforce her decision. Will try to just be positive, make it as pleasant as possible, and give her the letter i wrote about how i feel when she leaves.

I wish there were more i could do, but any doubts or change of heart are going to have to come from her i guess, i cant force her to want to be with me.

February 3, 2011

I think ive decided not to hastle her with too many questions, probably try not to talk about us at all as i think it will only reinforce her decision. Will try to just be positive, make it as pleasant as possible, and give her the letter i wrote about how i feel when she leaves.

I wish there were more i could do, but any doubts or change of heart are going to have to come from her i guess, i cant force her to want to be with me.

well at least you have the right attitude going into it ... clearly thinking rationally so take pride in that.

I wish you the best of luck mate

February 3, 2011

Just got to try and use my head rather than follow my heart, im just desperate not to push her further away.

February 4, 2011

Right well just seen my ex. I think it went as well as it could have really. We talked about the flat sale as planned and all the estate agent fees, she made the point of saying that if we decided not to sell some fees would still be payable. I know im clutching at straws but the fact that she mentioned this gave me a small amount of hope that she may have some doubt.

Anyway, I made sure that i put on a brave face, i greeted her with a big smile, i didnt ask any questions, pressurize her or make it too heavy, we talked, joked ate pizza and it was nice, apart from the fact that all i wanted to do was hug her.

I made one comment about how it felt wierd how we would probably never be here like this again and how in a few years we would just be strangers in the street. She seemed upset at this too and said that she wanted to stay in contact/ be friends, i said i dont think i could, as as much as i wanted her to be happy, it would be too painful for me to see her with someone else. To this she replied she had no plans to get with someone else, but obviously thats not realistic.

As she left i could tell she was about to crack up, her voice was faltering and i could see she is really cut up about this too. I gave her a big hug and then gave her the letter that i wrote.

Now back to LC/NC.

Anyone have any thoughts?

February 5, 2011

Right well just seen my ex. I think it went as well as it could have really. We talked about the flat sale as planned and all the estate agent fees, she made the point of saying that if we decided not to sell some fees would still be payable. I know im clutching at straws but the fact that she mentioned this gave me a small amount of hope that she may have some doubt.

Anyway, I made sure that i put on a brave face, i greeted her with a big smile, i didnt ask any questions, pressurize her or make it too heavy, we talked, joked ate pizza and it was nice, apart from the fact that all i wanted to do was hug her.

I made one comment about how it felt wierd how we would probably never be here like this again and how in a few years we would just be strangers in the street. She seemed upset at this too and said that she wanted to stay in contact/ be friends, i said i dont think i could, as as much as i wanted her to be happy, it would be too painful for me to see her with someone else. To this she replied she had no plans to get with someone else, but obviously thats not realistic.

As she left i could tell she was about to crack up, her voice was faltering and i could see she is really cut up about this too. I gave her a big hug and then gave her the letter that i wrote.

Now back to LC/NC.

Anyone have any thoughts?

Sounds to me like you done everything right ... its just a case of getting on with things now i suppose. I know thats not going to stop you thinking about everything but you couldnt have played it any better if the rules on here are anything to go by

Well done mate

February 5, 2011

cheers mate. I guess its gonna go one of 2 ways from here, either she'll go out and find whatever it is that makes her happy and never look back, or 6 months or a year down the line she'l realise that what we had was worth working at and regret all this.

Cant dwell on it though, i suppose i just have to go forwards and try and better myself. After 6 years though its really sad for me to think about a future without her in it.

February 15, 2011

So i guess its been about 6 weeks since my girlfriend left me.

Feeling pretty low today. Been doing LC mostly as we still have stuff to sort out.

Finally managed to defriend her on facebook, and sent her a text just to let her know why, she seemed pretty pissed off for some reason.

Gave my dog to a woman last night to have for a week to see if she wants to keep her. Miss her already.

Text my girlfriend t ask her to tell me if shes gonna take money out of the joint account which was supposed to be for bills, mortgage etc, yet she keeps taking money out of it, and she hasnt even had the courtesy to text back, which really bugged me, its like she literally doesnt care about me at all anymore, cant get my head round it.

Not a good day

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