How do i do this - what do i do next

Ok - firstly let me apologies for the amount of threads but i dont think i have asked for a real definitive answer in the last couple and it is helping me so much to air my feelings etc ... please bear with me because i have sort of talked about this before in a completely seperate thread.

I would also like to thank everyone who takes the time to read and comment on my situation in advance as it is much appreciated and I do genuinely mean that.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t262435/

ok so here goes - What i need to try and work out if what do i do next. I mentioned in my latest update thread that we seem to have set a precedent in terms of how we talk to each other. I cant do no contact because of my daughter. I have tried limited contact but i just keep falling down and i think its pushing her further and further away from me.

We have always said we dont want to be the people that drop her off on the doorstep as its not fair on her. She is happy for me to go in and say goodnight to her and she doesnt want me to feel like i cant do that. I dont want to be like that either ...

I am longing for her back and i know that she currently has feelings for someone else but nothing is going to happen according to her. She just realised with his company and how he is what she was missing. I know i can give her those things but only she can give me the chance to do that. She says she still loves me but just not in the right way at the minute.

So as the title says how do i do this, what do i do next ... ??

Again thanks for reading this - i do really appreciate it

I'm sorry again that you're going through this. I don't see what options you have in terms of how to deal with it - you just have to.

You have to fake it until you make it. Don't go to her house looking pathetic, even if you feel terrible. Always make a point to look your best, and smile. Talk to your ex about your daughter and life in general, but keep it short and don't talk about the relationship.

Do things on your own to improve yourself (exercise, hobbies, etc.). Keep your head up. Keep hanging out with your friends. You can get through this, even though it feels like you can't. It may take all of your strength, but it's worth it for your daughter, right?

u know its daytime and you do stuff, then its nightime and you sleep, and then its daytime again, and you do stuff again.?

Thats how u do it, one day at a time.

u know its daytime and you do stuff, then its nightime and you sleep, and then its daytime again, and you do stuff again.?

 

Thats how u do it, one day at a time.

One day at a time is what i am doing. I dont just want to heal, i want her back as well as a by product

You have to fake it until you make it. Don't go to her house looking pathetic, even if you feel terrible. Always make a point to look your best, and smile. Talk to your ex about your daughter and life in general, but keep it short and don't talk about the relationship.

I make sure i look good when i go there, its not an advantage of the situation as such because of how its happened but i have lost 1.5 stone (21 pounds) because i cant eat with all of this so i am definitely looking better for it all. I make sure i even wear the clothes that she has bought me and has told me i look good in. I

Do things on your own to improve yourself (exercise, hobbies, etc.). Keep your head up. Keep hanging out with your friends. You can get through this, even though it feels like you can't. It may take all of your strength, but it's worth it for your daughter, right?

My hobbies are my excercise i suppose. Football (soccer) although i have had to cut it down to spend time with my daughter. Its something i was about to cut down in any instance to help the relationship with my now ex so that hurts, but i have had to cut it down just for my daughter alone now. So thats once a week now.

Its sapped all my strength and i dont mean to sound bad but sometimes even being with my daughter doesnt help. On sunday i had her for 7 hours and i only spent 2 of them with her because i was so depressed i pretty much left her with my parents and locked myself in the room. It was kiling me to do it but i couldnt bring myself to deal with anything at all

"Its sapped all my strength and i dont mean to sound bad but sometimes even being with my daughter doesnt help. On sunday i had her for 7 hours and i only spent 2 of them with her because i was so depressed i pretty much left her with my parents and locked myself in the room. It was kiling me to do it but i couldnt bring myself to deal with anything at all"

Wrong wrong wrong. This should not happen. You are a parent first and foremost now and your daughter should always be first. As I was reading your post my first thought was that you should spend more quality time with your daughter. Then I got to this last bit and just shook my head as I read it.

Look, you will eventually find love if you are a good person, and it sounds like you are. It may take some time, but there are plenty of women in the world and believe me, you will be happy and in love with the right woman someday. You need to focus on building a good and solid relationship with your daughter because she (unlike your ex) is absolutely irreplaceable. These precious years that you have with your daughter while she is still young will be gone before you now it, so enjoy her childhood now and help her to grow to be a good and strong individual.

You will find love again. Have you tried dating at all? You are correct in that you can't go NC. Going NC with your ex will have a negative affect on your daughter, who is an innocent bystander in all this. Be strong for yourself, be strong for your daughter, and let your ex live her life the way she wants to (even if its not with you). Have faith in yourself and in your capability to move on and find love again. In the meantime, take your daughter to the park and play soccer with her=)

Wrong wrong wrong. This should not happen. You are a parent first and foremost now and your daughter should always be first. As I was reading your post my first thought was that you should spend more quality time with your daughter. Then I got to this last bit and just shook my head as I read it.

I didnt want to feel like it - i know she is my priority, i know she is my life now but feeling like i did, i couldnt bring myself to face the world. Everytime i see her, it means that i will have to see my ex as well, knowing this is like a knife in the heart. This doesnt mean that i dont try to stay strong for her. I love her more than anything in the world and i would do anything for her or to protect her

 

Look, you will eventually find love if you are a good person, and it sounds like you are. It may take some time, but there are plenty of women in the world and believe me, you will be happy and in love with the right woman someday.

Ironically i found love but we both made silly mistakes. I KNOW there is something there worth fighting for and i want to fight for it ...

You need to focus on building a good and solid relationship with your daughter because she (unlike your ex) is absolutely irreplaceable.

These precious years that you have with your daughter while she is still young will be gone before you now it, so enjoy her childhood now and help her to grow to be a good and strong individual.

I know that and i am trying - this is why i have her so many times a week at the minute. This has all made me come to realise how important these years are and spending time with her. I enjoy it as well so its not just me trying to make an effort, i want to spend the time with her. Its one of the big things that i was changing in our relationship at the time of all of this ... which makes it all so much harder

You will find love again. Have you tried dating at all?

No - this only happened 13 days ago - i am not ready to move on in that respect. She has told me to not cling onto hope for her but she isnt saying anything couldnt happen in the future. She still loves me and still has feelings for me but she is confused and her head is a mess. At the minute its just friends ... Obviously i am not going to go on the rebound.

You are correct in that you can't go NC. Going NC with your ex will have a negative affect on your daughter, who is an innocent bystander in all this. Be strong for yourself, be strong for your daughter, and let your ex live her life the way she wants to (even if its not with you).

We are very close still and i need to distance myself from it slightly. I know that but i feel like the less contact i have the more i am pushing her away when i do want to be with her. I dont want her feelings for me to die away

Have faith in yourself and in your capability to move on and find love again. In the meantime, take your daughter to the park and play soccer with her =)

Unfortunately this is a huge stumbling block for me - i dont have faith in either as hard as i try to convince myself. This is the first and last thing i think about when i wake up or go to sleep.

You're only 13 days in. That's REALLY early. I was a complete mental case for the first 6 - 8 weeks after my split and we didn't have a child to worry about. My heart breaks for you. I remember that first period so well. Think about it this way - the things you need to do to get over her are the same things you need to do to get her back. So you just do them. You stay strong, you stay positive (I know this seems like an impossible ask right now, but please try). You need to make sense of your thoughts and feelings. I obsessively kept a journal and made lists. It helped. Try to look past the pain and panic and anxiety you feel right now and get down on paper what you think and feel about what happened - as honestly and unbiased as you can. WRITE it down, get it out of you. What happened in the relationship from your point of view?

Do NOT show any of this to your ex. You need to become a mystery to your ex if you want her to stop seeing you as part of her past. Keep contact to a complete minimum and at least pretend to look like you're moving on and getting over her. Fake it until you make it.

Good luck. We've all felt like yo do right now - we all understand. It's literally the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life - but it really does get better. Even if you never get her back, you won't feel like this forever. And although MONTHS sounds like years to your ears right now, they really do fly. You'll be feeling better sooner than you can imagine. It feels totally overwhelming at your early stage - it won't always. I promise.

Fern gave some excellent advice. I used the journal thing as well and I've never kept a diary in my life! It was very helpful to understand what it was I was thinking. Distinguishing between missing her and missing the companionship. Between the hurt of rejection and the fear of the future.

I'd definatly recommend it.

I suppose i have been getting it down on here in a way as opposed to writing it in a diary ... I have looked past the pain and the anxiety and i know what was wrong ... I know the things i done wrong, i know the things she done wrong, i know that if she was to only let me back in it could be fixed but thats out of my hands. So hard to take ...

She has always said to me from this whole thing starting, she isnt saying we cant get back together, but she cant put any sort of time scale on anything ... It could be months, it could be a year. Yes both sound like so far away, thats not to say i wouldnt have her back in a shot. We have spoke about if we did get back together things would be different etc

I know that in my heart i cant spend the rest of my life waiting for her and time moves fast. Dont get me wrong i dont feel like i am going to go out and get involved with anyone in the near future or anything like that ... My feelings are hurt, i dont want anyone to hurt me again or for me to hurt anyone because it wouldnt be fair.

glad you feel that way, i myself have recently been coming to the same conclusions. me and my gf broke up and she went out and got a new job and found someone else to move in with in a week! still have no idea how she made those decisions that quick, when just a few days ago she was telling me how wed be together forever. I asked her if this is what she truly wanted and she said yes at least for now. so now i realize that its out of my control and i cant do anything about it and am doing my best to just move on. coming here def helps i think, its good to know that were not alone in this and feeling the way we do.

glad you feel that way, i myself have recently been coming to the same conclusions. me and my gf broke up and she went out and got a new job and found someone else to move in with in a week! still have no idea how she made those decisions that quick, when just a few days ago she was telling me how wed be together forever. I asked her if this is what she truly wanted and she said yes at least for now. so now i realize that its out of my control and i cant do anything about it and am doing my best to just move on. coming here def helps i think, its good to know that were not alone in this and feeling the way we do.

Well - When i wrote it i was feeling that way, these things seem to change by the minute. One minute i am feeling ok and rational - The next time i get into such an emotional state that i feel like i want to live in a cave and not let anyone come near me ever again

I do know its out of my control but it doesnt stop the longing or me trying to constantly please her etc just so i can give her that glimmer of hope to get back with me.

I agree - coming here definitely helps to get things off your chest and share your experiences with others. Its a great source of encouragement and advice but i have learned that as much as you can listen and take the advice you need to make the decision in your own head and you cant solely rely on everything that everyone else says

I just found myself typing the phrase almost automatically: I dont know what to do ... I need to switch off from that phrase. Ok its true but i dont need to say it everytime i talk about things. grrrr

ok so last night i dropped my daughter off. I said i was going to go because i wanted to give her some space ... about 30 mins later then i got a message saying:

Her: I don't want you to keep saying about space and stuff

Me: Why I thought that's what you wanted ??

Her: It means we will drift further apart...at the moment we are not together and I don't know if that will change. We need to still talk and see each other etc, even if it is as friends. I know that's a lot of stuff and stuff you prob don't want to hear but I just wanted to say.

Me: I know all of it ... I wish it was just a break. We had a break at Xmas but it wasn't what we needed in terms of length. We still both need time to heal from all of this in any instance. I don't want to drift apart

Her: But it can't be a break for that reason. Were not together and whether its as friends or maybe more again one day in the future we always have to stay in contact.

Yes we will both have off days but on the whole we need to be able to talk and see each other...if not for our sakes then for xxxxxx (our daughter)

Me: Of course we do and I don't want it to only be for megans sake. We aren't like that are we ?? I don't think we are. I don't want you to think like you have wasted 5 years with me

Her: I would never think I wasted those years but sadly at the moment they are over...and no, we are not like that and I would like to think never will be, even if this ends up as forever

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We then talked on the phone briefly although we didnt get anywhere really. It was just going around in circles, although we were being very playful (not flirty) and neither of us got upset.

I said to her that i dont understand how we would ever get back together in terms of how it would be approached etc and she said well maybe she would just phone me up one day, as its not like we wouldnt be talking and ask me on a date or something like that. I asked her how she would feel if i was to do it and she said i wouldnt know until it happened.

I mentioned that for her sake if she has feelings for this other guy, even if she knows they cant happen, she needs to distance herself from them for her sake, his sake and for the sake of his family because it wont help anyone. I said even if you take that as me telling you as a friend thats fine but i am saying it for you and i hope you understand.

I also asked her to have respect for my feelings and to not take him anywhere near the house (i know i am not living there but i just dont think it would be right) - She said thats fine and she promised she wouldnt.

Everything was fine and it went back to messages as she wanted to go to bed to relax and i was out playing in a pool league and had to play my game.

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Back on the messages we basically agreed that, that was much better and we both got stuff off our mind without getting upset which is a good start as earlier in the week we had been getting upset and making things worse between us.

We said goodnight to each other and thats where i am now

So know i got back to my original thread question - How do i do this ... what do i do next ??

She doesnt want to drift apart, neither do i, but i dont want to just become friends from the end of all of this and being friends in the short run and being close is only going to lead to her feelings becoming like we are just friends forever no ??

Its the worst thing i could imagine at the minute although i know i would have to do something along those lines for my daughter if the worst comes to the worst.

ok so a bit of an update

I have broken the contact we had so as to take away the emotional heartbreak of everything to me and to try and start me on the path to healing

I just mentioned in another thread that what fern said to me has really stuck with me.

FERN: Think about it this way - the things you need to do to get over her are the same things you need to do to get her back. So you just do them.

I have not really been contacting her other than to speak about our daughter.

Out of the blue i got a message last night saying: Are you distancing yourself from me? It's fine if you are. It's just at the moment I get the impression you don't really want to be around me

ME: No not at all - why do you think that

HER: Just seemed you didn't want to be around.

And you haven't really spoken to ne much...on here and stuff too

It's fine. I just wanted to ask if we were both just generally being quiet or if there was a reason for it. That's all

I didnt reply ... about 1 1/2 hours later i got the message:

Ok well I guess your not going to reply. Have a good night.

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Today she sent me an e-mail at work pretty much asking me pretty much the same and i said i responded with:

ME: Ok – well like I said I am not doing anything like that

Are you ok ??

HER:Ok, just seems like it a little bit.

Ive been better to be honest.

How are you?

ME: Ok - I am just keeping busy more than anything

HER: I see ...

.....................further update..........................

I just got another e-mail saying:

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What is she thinking - is this whole me not making an effort to contact her anymore thing bothering her ... Do i carry on ??

I do feel like i am ever so slowly (and i mean slowly) getting control back of my life, i think that may be time and actually being forced to live with the situation as opposed to anything else.

AND back to feeling crap again today

I got a message last night asking if my daughter could phone - so i said "yes" as you would really ... not particuarly thinking

Spoke to my daughter on the phone for about 5 minutes and then she wanted to go and play so then the ex came on the phone to say she had gone to play.

I feel a bit setup to be honest - It feels like it was ploy to get me to talk to her and check if i was breaking contact. Something to make her feel a bit better as she was feeling so down ...

We didnt talk about anything specific, she asked about football and things and i was quite blunt with my replys although kept it civil. She asked what i was doing etc - I said "i was staying busy and going around my friend house" (which i wasnt)

There was an awkward silence for about 15 seconds so i just said "i'll let you get on as you need to eat your dinner - she said "i've already eaten it" - I forced the goodbye really but it didnt make me feel any better

I know from the above e-mails yesterday she is feeling lonely at the minute.

So now i am back to feeling awful again today. Its not that i had broken contact completely but i have limited contact right down and had no intention of breaking that. I know it was just small talk but now i feel a bit pressured in terms of talking when i drop my daughter off later ...

It seems like your nc is having the desired effect. Its obviously no forgone conclusion but there seems like there is hope there. I wish i had even the smallest glimmer of hope that my girlfriend would have doubts about her decision.

Keep going mate.

I dont know mate - I am not so sure, she doesnt like having the no contact, thats for sure but i am not thinking (I CANT THINK !!) anything else other than that at the minute.