refurb Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 When you said move to Cali (I assume you mean California and not Cali Colombia), and it'll be different from NYC, I was like huh? But then I realized I think maybe you live in different part of California. I'm in the Los Angeles area. It's the same here. Big city dating. Never tried to date in NYC, but I bet dating in Los Angeles is just as difficult. Superficial, games, everyone is disposable. But it is what it is. I have a good job here, I like the weather, I'd rather deal with dating problems. I would agree. I hear endless complaints about the dating in San Francisco as well. Big city dating isn't all that different East/West coast. RF
alexlakeman Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Because "it's never the right time or the right place" to talk to them.. Just read it here; "don't approach at the grocery store b/c "they're in a hurry or their hair is not right", don't approach them in the gym b/c "they are in sweaty work out clothes" or "are there ONLY to work out" or "have no makeup"....Don't approach them at the bar or at happy hour b/c "they just want to talk to their g/f's"... Oh, wait, "don't approach them at barnes & noble b/c they are into the book they are reading"... "don't approach them at the a/p while waiting for the flight, b/c they are busy emailing on the job"... Never ends.. lol
BobSacamento Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 I think women hate boredom at that age, especially in an exciting city like NYC. A stable relationship can be boring.
Author pandagirl Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 That doesn't count. Sure it does. Nonononono. It sucks to be male. Try having an expiration date on your reproductive organs, and then we'll talk.
Woggle Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 I think that many of these women are subconscious commitmentphobes themselves.
Author pandagirl Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 I think women hate boredom at that age, especially in an exciting city like NYC. A stable relationship can be boring. Huh? All of my friends would kill to be in a relationship and settle down.
Author pandagirl Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 Panda, fly west. I know, I know...
northern_sky Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 (edited) Panda, I have a theory. I am sure many people will say it is cynical and untrue, but that's fine. This is just my observation, and I hope it can give you some insight. For me this has actually been one hardest truths to swallow about the world. Most driven men harden with age. I think very young men (high school and college) are often, counterintuitively, more romantic and willing to commit. Then something happens to a lot of them. If they don't settle down early on they usually become jaded and hardened as they enter their mid twenties. I've witnessed it happen to many guys I've known over the years. I know Woggle, et al. will claim it's because they've been burned by women. I don't think that is usually the prime reason for the transformation, as I've seen the direct causes in action and asked the guys why they changed. Here are the factors that most often contribute, imo: 1) Having a lot of relationships under one's belt makes it easier to value any new relationship less. You realize that you can lose somebody you love, maybe never even speak to them again, and get on with your life. When you are young, every new relationship and experience glistens with beauty and importance. With age, it becomes temptingly easy to view relationships as transient. You may start to see people as more replaceable, when you have a history of finding a new bf/gf/fling without missing a beat. So it's not even about necessarily how or why those relationships ended, just that you've gone through many. 2) A lot guys change themselves to meet the world. For highly driven men who weren't gifted with natural charisma, so much of their twenties seems to be spent assembling a public identity. They'll read self help books, maybe adopt some PUA techniques, observe how others interact. They take on a glib affect, and start to internalize an opportunist mindset towards people that they believe is necessary for success. Of course meaningful relationships are often the first thing to go. 3) Too much opportunity. After these guys see that their changes are working in getting them more attention, they get spoiled by opportunity, especially in a place like NY. The guys least likely to harden aren't image-focused or ego-driven. It is a lot less common for women to harden like this, even very driven women, thank god. That's because most women are romantics to their core. Not all, I know Carhill was basically married to a man in a woman's body. Edited January 29, 2011 by northern_sky
january2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 I'd really like to disagree with your theory Northern_Sky because I'd like to hold on to some hope and maintain my romantic notions about the world, but my experience so far seems to support what you've written. It does seem odd though that a number of these guys I've met, and other women have met, claim to want to "find a nice girl and settle down" yet are somewhat 'held back' by their own mindset.
Woggle Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 I do think it very much is because of experiences with women. In many cases a woman got grass is greener syndrome despite the fact that he treated her like a queen or they have a history of women cheating on them with jerks. After a while a man just gets sick of it and decides to put the walls up. Many single men in their 30s that I know feel that they are getting back at women for how they treated and with their increased desirability they feel it is time to turn the tables. I actually feel bad for single women in their late 20s/ early 30s looking for a relationship because many times they have to pay the price for how these women were treated at a younger age. Once these men recover from whatever they went through they don't want to open up their hearts to any woman. Women harden as well. I have met divorced women that would be stone if they any harder.
Nexus One Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Most driven men harden with age. In my opinion you have it upside down. Those hardened men you speak of were never soft to begin with, they never developed that refined consciousness for romance that many women are looking for.
carhill Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 (edited) When you said move to Cali (I assume you mean California and not Cali Colombia), and it'll be different from NYC, I was like huh?LOL, yeah, Cali(fornia), specifically in the vast central region where much of the nation's fresh fruit and produce comes from. As I mentioned in another thread, a ten mile radius search on Match generally turns up less than ten people of all ages. Any of the larger cities in the central state are good opportunities to meet 'regular' marriage-minded guys. I was one for many years. Not so much anymore. Oh, a recent experiment has shown that the right woman *can* soften the battle-hardened exterior, so I think it's as much meeting the right person as it is location. I hope the OP finds that synergy, as she is quite deserving Edited January 29, 2011 by carhill
northern_sky Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 In my opinion you have it upside down. Those hardened men you speak of were never soft to begin with, they never developed that refined consciousness for romance that many women are looking for. I only have my anecdotal evidence, but all of the hardened guys I know were much "softer" in very early adulthood. I think there's a grain of truth to what you're saying in that, despite that bit of vulnerability in their youth, they weren't romantics to their core. A true romantic wouldn't sacrifice or forever conceal his vulnerability in order to get ahead. These guys were romantics when they were young, but in a shallow sort of way.
northern_sky Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 I do think it very much is because of experiences with women. In many cases a woman got grass is greener syndrome despite the fact that he treated her like a queen or they have a history of women cheating on them with jerks. After a while a man just gets sick of it and decides to put the walls up. Many single men in their 30s that I know feel that they are getting back at women for how they treated and with their increased desirability they feel it is time to turn the tables. I actually feel bad for single women in their late 20s/ early 30s looking for a relationship because many times they have to pay the price for how these women were treated at a younger age. Once these men recover from whatever they went through they don't want to open up their hearts to any woman. Women harden as well. I have met divorced women that would be stone if they any harder. I really think, strangely enough, this hardening is a result of a changed outlook on the world in other aspects of their lives: careers, socializing, networking. I've heard it a number of times straight from the guys themselves. Heartbreak has an effect, of course, but it's not as pronounced in my opinion.
Woggle Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 I really think, strangely enough, this hardening is a result of a changed outlook on the world in other aspects of their lives: careers, socializing, networking. I've heard it a number of times straight from the guys themselves. Heartbreak has an effect, of course, but it's not as pronounced in my opinion. Most men don't want to say it in front of women but if you look at any jaded man with a hardened out look there is some heartbreak in his past.
BobSacamento Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Huh? All of my friends would kill to be in a relationship and settle down. They are probably ugly.
northern_sky Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Most men don't want to say it in front of women but if you look at any jaded man with a hardened out look there is some heartbreak in his past. Pssh. EVERYONE has heartbreak in their past. They need to suck it up rather than being big babies.
deebeechrisyo Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 I do think it very much is because of experiences with women. In many cases a woman got grass is greener syndrome despite the fact that he treated her like a queen or they have a history of women cheating on them with jerks. After a while a man just gets sick of it and decides to put the walls up. Many single men in their 30s that I know feel that they are getting back at women for how they treated and with their increased desirability they feel it is time to turn the tables. I don't agree with the notion of "getting back at women", it's just that when men hit their 30's, it's their time. It's really too bad that a lot of the really nice, great guys were ignored by women in their 20's. By the time they hit their mid-30's, they are much more confident due to job/world experiences, much more wealthy, and if they took good care of themselves probably really good looking. There's a common saying that women have fun in their late-teens to late-20's, then look to settle down. For the "nice" guys, they endure their 20's and then get to have that same fun in their 30's. This is why I have a problem with people in general saying that a single guy in his 30's must have something wrong with him. Let them have their fun.
Woggle Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 They are probably ugly. Don't say that. They are probably very attractive but I would bet that if many of them got they claimed to want right in front of them would run the other way.
NYCGirly Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Location Location Location. I think we discussed this is in a previous thread Panda. I'm done with NYC. I'm getting out. This city is not conducive to starting a healthy lasting relationship. ALL of my gfs are single now (which wasn't true a month ago when I was the only single one). For some reason or another all of their relationships crumbled and they are now back in the singles club with me. Their boyfriends "nexted" them over the silliest things- things which normal couples would take time to talk through and work on. Anyway, currently in the process of applying to a few jobs up in CT and White Plains. I'm hoping in a month I'll be packing and getting the heck out. I'm 27, fit, smart, attractive, employed and have my own car yet I'm still single. Meanwhile, all of my former classmates in different cities are all engaged/married at this point. It's seriously just NYC, the city of the "Next Syndrome". Glad I'm realizing this now before it's too late.
Woggle Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Pssh. EVERYONE has heartbreak in their past. They need to suck it up rather than being big babies. It is this unsympathetic attitude that makes many men hard.
northern_sky Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 It is this unsympathetic attitude that makes many men hard. Oh come on. Everyone, women included, experiences heartbreak. If somebody uses that as an excuse to treat others with indifference, then they only have themselves to blame.
Woggle Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Another I want to ask is wasn't it not too long ago that women in cities didn't want to settle down? They enjoyed their independent free wheeling type of lifestyles and didn't want to be tied down to any man. They very much wanted to live a Sex and the city lifestyle and a husband was only going to hold them back from that. When did all of this change?
deebeechrisyo Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Probably when they realized they all weren't f'ed in the head like Samantha
northern_sky Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Another I want to ask is wasn't it not too long ago that women in cities didn't want to settle down? They enjoyed their independent free wheeling type of lifestyles and didn't want to be tied down to any man. They very much wanted to live a Sex and the city lifestyle and a husband was only going to hold them back from that. When did all of this change? That's BS, mostly based on a stereotype. I don't know ANY women, even driven ones, who have this attitude. I'm sure some exist, but they're definitely in the minority. Most women in their late twenties+ are looking to settle down.
Recommended Posts