Social phobia around women...how to get over it?

[Feelin Frisky]

... One thing that puts me off ADs is that I read they're supposed to reduce your sex drive....

 

Not so in my case. Prozac didn't effect my sex drive one way or the other. There is a sexual side effect which some people experience called anorgasmia in which achieving orgasm becomes difficult but this is NOT the same thing as not being able to achieve an erection and not the same thing as not having a reduced sex drive. Medications that may reduce sex drive do exists however--like LITM said about "beta-blockers". Anti-psychotics can lower drive too. SSRI anti-depressants haven't had that effect on me however. I did experience anorgasmia early on in my Prozac regimen but it went away. (I've recently experienced it again with Neurontin but that is not an anti-depressant per se).

 

The only reason I brought up medication in this regard really is because I believe it can be used temporarily in which a person can learn things about "how to think" that they might not otherwise. If you go into therapy, a lot of energy will be spent on trying to figure out "what" to think. "How" to think is more of a nuanced experience where you define the intricacies of thinking and feeling and learn to exercise choices that come with not having a flood of fight or flight precipitate thoughts and feelings. Medicine may not be necessary to sustain change in the long run on this point. Once someone learns the nuances of how to think and how to control feelings to a higher degree, he or she can put that into action and try living a life of more social risk-taking so that there isn't as much over-obsessing about meeting new people.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I had a dream that I just woke from, which might be really helpful.

 

In it, I was watching a H.S. Football game. I was 17 again, physically, in the dream. And also still incredibly shy around women.

 

Anyway, I was crushing on one of the cheerleaders, and then somehow I managed to become a "hero" to the football team (this part is blurry.) Anyway, the cheerleaders ended up dragging me over to sit with them, and I ended up having my arms around my "crush." It felt good, but I still felt like a statue, because I was so attracted to the girls around me.

 

Then somehow the scenery changed. My crush got up and left, and a couple of the girls moved around. Another girl was talking, and I kept on feeling like I was in a dreamlike state (like this wasn't really happening - hell, it was a dream!)...and then she pulled out some papers from her bookbag, and was saying, "So these songs I wrote last night..."

 

At this time, I broke out of the anxiety I was in, and said, "You write songs?"

 

This lead to me having an interesting conversation with this other cheerleader, who played guitar and wrote songs the same way I did. She was also attractive, and I couldn't help but think (during this exchange) that she was just like me, except she's physically attractive.

 

Then the dream broke up, and I woke up.

 

I realized something during this dream. One is that I'm not physically incapable of intimacy, because if I feel that way during a dream, I can feel that way in real life (holding/cuddling with a girl.) Another is that women are nothing to be frightened of, because as I wrote above (and realized in the dream), they're just the same as guys, except they're physically attractive.

 

I need to keep this mindset and realize that putting women up on pedestals is ridiculous. If there is a "guitar girl from my dream" out there in real life, she wouldn't be impressed by that, and most likely would friendzone me. Women are just people: nothing more and nothing less. I need to talk to them as people, instead of as something that is unattainable.

 

Thanks for listening. I just thought I'd share that. And yes, I realize that the dream was not real...however, this is stuff that my unconscious mind spilled out, so obviously it was real, in a sense. It was my own way of working things out.

[Good Arms]

Not so in my case.

 

Thanks for the explanation, FF. I experienced what sounds like anorgasmia for a while at the start with my ex. Just the extreme nerves I guess, seeing as I had no prior experience and it was such a big deal in my head. But when I learned to be more relaxed I got over it.

[Good Arms]

LeaningIntoTheMuse:

 

Your dream is right, you ARE capable of intimacy. I was terrified of it, even the cuddling and kissing. But I soon got over that. The cuddling and kissing soon became so easy, so natural (I was SO nervous and awkward at the start) and it was wonderful. The rest soon became easier and more natural too, though I still had progress to make when she ended the relationship. Anyway I probably shouldn't remind myself of the good times right now And believe me when I say it, I don't think anyone is/was more shy around women than me. If I proved to myself I can face those fears, then you can too.

 

We build all this up in our minds because of our anxiety and shyness, but it's all unnecessary. We shouldn't worry about it, just enjoy it when the chance comes. I may still be very inexperienced for my age, but every little step proves to yourself you CAN do it.

[aztattooedsean]

The first time my boyfriend asked me out, I thought he was attractive but I was already interested in someone else, and I was waiting to see if the someone else was interested in me. So I didn't turn him down because I didn't fancy him, if you see what I mean. It turned out that the someone else wasn't interested in a relationship, so when my boyfriend asked me out again a couple of months later I accepted.

 

My point is, you can't know why a girl turns you down. Maybe she's already interested in someone else, or she's hung up on an ex and still hurting, or she only fancies white/black/Asian/whatever type guys... you probably assume that if a girl turns you down it's because you're unattractive, and that isn't necessarily the case. Even if it is the case, it just means you're not that particular girl's type, it doesn't mean that every girl will find you unattractive. You have to stop being paranoid; just ask girls out, and if they say no, don't take it personally - just shrug it off as being the wrong girl/wrong time and move on to the next one.

 

 

very solid advice.