Author Skee Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 wow...great stuff bluebirdsfly, hopesanddreams, WTRanger, nature and Kansas! It's getting late so I'll get back to this thread tomorrow, but I'll say this after reading all the latest posts... My confusion came from her saying "I am sorry", in that it CAN be an opening from a dumper for possible reconciliation...but unless it's followed by "lets work on us", "take me back", "I love you and can't be without you", etc., or actions backing it up, then "I am sorry" can be just crumbs. Not the usual black-and-white crumbs, but like a gray-area crumb meant to really pull you back in. all opinions and advice still appreciated, a sincere thank you to everyone who replied so far...I've had a lot of support (family, friends, etc.) in getting through the breakup, but I don't know where I'd be right now if I hadn't found/lurked on this forum for the past 2 months.
Kansas Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 She has to want it as badly as you do. You can't clap with one hand. Relationships take work from both parties involved. Think of what YOU would do for her. Hypothetically, let's pretend that she wasn't the dumper and you weren't the dumpee - you're both equal. Now that you have both had the same amount of time away from each other and an opportunity to "grow" (I don't think she's grown, but everyone else has told you that already) and miss each other ... are you both approaching the relationship with the same level of enthusiasm? Or does one person want it more than the other person? The gray area is a really slippery slope. "I'm sorry" is a great starting point (the hook); "I love you" is a great follow up (the line); and the gray area is the non-commital, undefined - I don't really want to talk about how-are-we-really-going to move forward because you might actually expect me to back up words with action - (the sinker). You're not wishy washy about what you want? From what you've written, you've very black and white about what you want. It's clear as day. Why allow her to muddy the waters with her BS? You deserve more. After everything you have been through in the last couple of months, don't let it be for nothing. And as you've been on this forum for a while, take a look at some of the posts by the girls on here (me included). When we love someone, hell or high water will not stand in our way.
westrock Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 What do you know about her relationship with each of her parents and the relationship that her parents have with each other?
selena_cat Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 lol obviously not Like I said, with that reason and the other reasons she gave for the breakup (where it sounded like she was trying to convince herself as much as she was trying to convince me), I suspected it was a case of G.I.G.S. more than anything. The reasons made little sense, and the breakup was out of nowhere, which is why I was so hurt/confused. homebrew's G.I.G.S. thread felt like he was describing my relationship/breakup word-for-word. Okay folks,i've been on LS for 3 years now gone back and forth, this is new to me, What in the world does G.I.G.S mean?
Author Skee Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 She has to want it as badly as you do. You can't clap with one hand. Relationships take work from both parties involved. Think of what YOU would do for her. Hypothetically, let's pretend that she wasn't the dumper and you weren't the dumpee - you're both equal. Now that you have both had the same amount of time away from each other and an opportunity to "grow" (I don't think she's grown, but everyone else has told you that already) and miss each other ... are you both approaching the relationship with the same level of enthusiasm? Or does one person want it more than the other person? The gray area is a really slippery slope. "I'm sorry" is a great starting point (the hook); "I love you" is a great follow up (the line); and the gray area is the non-commital, undefined - I don't really want to talk about how-are-we-really-going to move forward because you might actually expect me to back up words with action - (the sinker). You're not wishy washy about what you want? From what you've written, you've very black and white about what you want. It's clear as day. Why allow her to muddy the waters with her BS? You deserve more. After everything you have been through in the last couple of months, don't let it be for nothing. And as you've been on this forum for a while, take a look at some of the posts by the girls on here (me included). When we love someone, hell or high water will not stand in our way. great post again Kansas, thank you You're right, since we've been apart, I've always wanted her back, it's pretty obvious I've been wanting it more than her. And I can't "clap with one hand", as you put it. But I couldn't get past the fact that it felt like she was having real second thoughts. Real doubts about the breakup. To the point where in my mind at the time, she slowly kept inching closer to possible reconciliation... 1. After the Christmas text convo, she literally initiated all of our contact. All of it. 2. Each contact became warmer...to the point where the contract itself was like we never broke up. 3. When she kept deflecting where we go from here, and I finally started ignoring her contract/told her that I'll never be "just friends", that it's all or nothing for us, she was really hurt. She told me that. 4. Once it was clear to her that she could lose me forever, she swallowed her pride and apologized for "running"/stringing me along. My dumper telling me an unsolicited "I am sorry" felt like the strongest signal yet that reconciliation might one day be possible. Now I know none of that is "I made a mistake, let's get back together", and I'm not saying I was right, but I hope it at least helps to understand my mindset at the time.
Author Skee Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Okay folks,i've been on LS for 3 years now gone back and forth, this is new to me, What in the world does G.I.G.S mean? I think this thread explains it best...but it's not some scientific fact, just a theory. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251986/
marqueemoon4 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 she's waffling and taking your temperature. Continue with NC and see what her next move is.
Juno Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 make no real attempt to be with me? He just keep me scatching my head. After 10 months of NC contacting me proclaiming he can't get me out of his mind and that he is obsessed with me. Weeks later texting me saying " I don't want to hurt you, you deserve more than I can give". Ugh! I just don't understand.
bluebirdsfly Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Well, skee, personally it took me about 2 years to get over my confusion about life (mainly about career), so during those 2 years , I didn't date at all, since I don't want to hurt anybody. Being lonely is much better than breaking some innocent guys' hearts. So according to my own experience, don't expect a GIGS girl could change in a short time.
Author Skee Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 marqueemoon4: She already made her next move, I'll get to that now. bluebirdsfly: The extreme mixed signals from her make it almost impossible for the dumpee (me) to NEVER break, even though I know 2 months isn't the longest time for a G.I.G.S. girl. In fact, I kinda broke today. update: Today was the first day of classes for her spring semester. She was the kind of girl who always texted/contacted me from school while I'm at work, just to talk. It's the kind of day, the first day of new classes/professors/etc., where if we were together, she would be in touch all day. So what happens? Of course, she texts me in the morning with a school-related text. I cut it off immediately. I told her "unless you're willing to talk about us or the feelings you've been having, I told you, I won't do this." She responds with this text: "I have always had such a hard life. Things always go wrong, it's not possible for me to get something good. School is impossible, especially with the amounts of stress, so I just run so nobody else has to deal with it. It's so hard. I am still running away, playing hide-and-seek games with you" When we were together, she would sometimes say things like this- point out her flaws, tell me that she didn't have the easiest time growing up, and at times tell me I'm too good for her. I would always tell her it didn't matter, you're all I ever wanted, I love you, flaws and all. So I text her this... "When we were together, it was because I loved you, flaws and all. You would always point out your flaws, tell me I'm too good for you, tell me how hard your life is, and I always told you it doesn't matter. I loved you anyway. You never have to hide from me" After that, we exchanged a few more texts back-and-forth, the warmest texts she's ever sent since the breakup, borderline flirting. I know I broke down by not staying NC. Her text was just so heartbreaking for me to read, I couldn't be that cold after that. But put yourself in my shoes...even the strongest of us can have moments of weakness. That's why I'm here at LS. Any opinions, advice on what happened today...trying to understand her text...where I go from here...I'd love to hear it. I'm just so confused and don't know what to do.
bluebirdsfly Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Hi Skee, you might have already read the following 2 threads. Quite similar to your situation. And the girls in those stories also have some difficult background. Maybe you can find something useful. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253770/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t255195/ All the best
Author Skee Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 ^^^ thanks so much, I'll be sure to read those entire threads when I get home from work
Ajax Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 It irritates me when they play the "I'm not good enough for you" card. Who are they to decide that? It ends up becoming a self fulfilling prophesy when someone believes that they're not worthy of someone who loves them. The end up walking away from a good thing, and then they really don't deserve that person anymore.
Author Skee Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 It irritates me when they play the "I'm not good enough for you" card. Who are they to decide that? It ends up becoming a self fulfilling prophesy when someone believes that they're not worthy of someone who loves them. The end up walking away from a good thing, and then they really don't deserve that person anymore. I hear you. She sometimes used to tell me "you're too good for me"/"why do you even like me?" when we were together and happy, that's what I never understood. I knew it had to do with her own emotional/self-esteem issues, but I always tried to reassure her that I loved her, that I never felt too good for her. I talked to a close female friend about what happened today, so I think I'm going to use my next post to vent/write out my feelings, rather than go insane thinking about it.
SeriousBob12 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 My ex said sorry in an email... ....just before I found out a few days later she had a new boyfriend and she then proceeded to cut me off...This was of course after I poured my heart out to her (this was before I found out about the new bf). Her way of cutting me off was just letting me hang. Like you at the time I really felt great that she said it. Like you I hoped this was a sign that things could be worked through...I woke up everyday hoping I'd get a response from her...after a few days I started to get concerned something was up...then 2 days later I got the dreaded news from one of my bestfriends that she was taken. Don't waste anymore time on this bro. Sorry is a word that gets thrown around far too much, with very little sincerity behind it. She's stringing you along and as others have said: as soon as you come back and she's comfortable, she'll proceed to kick you to the curb.
Author Skee Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 *venting* It's just so hard. I've read millions of threads on here about people who are going through NC, and it's torture. These people would give ANYTHING to reconcile with their ex. They know NC is about healing themselves and moving on, that it's the only option when dealing with being a dumpee, but deep down they still hope and pray that it will make their ex come back, more than anything. They count the days...1 week NC...2 weeks NC...1 month NC...6 months NC...it's heartbreaking to read...but I also know NC is absolutely the right thing to do for ourselves. Now here I am...most people would give anything just to hear from their ex again. My ex still needs me in her life. For whatever reason, she can't let me go. I think about the people who are on months of NC, and their pain is still unbearable at times. But my ex broke up with me 2 months ago, and she can't go more than a day or two without initiating contact. It's the same kind of torture as NC, but I rationalize it by saying at least my heart feels hope, where others have none...even though my mind is at war with my heart. When my mind won the battle, I was finally able to go NC...I was finally able to ignore her...I was finally able to tell her I'll never settle for being "friends"...I was finally able to tell her it's all or nothing for us...I followed all the rules...I wasn't there for her emotional comfort anymore...and it worked, to a point...it has brought her closer to me...not to what I want just yet, which is getting back together...but to the point where she's apologizing, opening up to me like she never has since the breakup, and also making our contact the warmest it's been since the breakup. I feel like I'm so close...that once I did cut her off completely, she did have doubts and seconds thoughts about the breakup...that now she didn't want to lose me for good...that maybe right now she is deciding if she wants to get back together with me...which brought her to this point. I feel like I have more hope than ever for a possible reconciliation. What is her next step? That's the question. I've done all that I can do. If she doesn't say what I want to hear soon...then it's been false hope. She was stringing me along, again. Only this time, because she felt she could really lose me forever, she put the strings even deeper into my heart. She keeps slowly coming closer to me, day-by-day, inch-by-inch...it's not "I want you back!" just yet, but I feel like I can't give up now when I've come so far already. I don't know what my next move is, or should be...maybe I do know, and I just don't want to say it...but I know it will be determined by what her next move is first. Thank you for reading this. It might be all over the place, and it might be contradicting at times, but I feel better just for having written it.
Stilicho Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I hear you. She sometimes used to tell me "you're too good for me"/"why do you even like me?" when we were together and happy, that's what I never understood. I knew it had to do with her own emotional/self-esteem issues, but I always tried to reassure her that I loved her, that I never felt too good for her. my ex would say the exact same thing to me all the time and it boggled my mind. i would always try to dissuade those thoughts, as they seemed to really bother her. But in the end, i guess she thought it was too much, and ran to some guy who is with out a doubt not as good as her, let alone me. Idk what goes through peoples heads sometimes.
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