northern_sky Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I don't think the style of parenting being discussed in this thread has anything to do with caring about a child's interest. It's all about the parents' interest. As for pushing, I feel a parent should enable their children to do their best in whatever they are doing. A child's interest can change multiple times by the time they are an adult. Why force anything on them? Yes, I make sure my son takes care of his homework, but I am NOT going to push him into doing anything. He was obsessively in love with trains from the age of 1 to 8. He has absolutely NO interest any longer in becoming a train engineer. Should I have forced him to turn his attentions that way in his early years and forced him to remain on that path? No way. I would expose a kid to a lot of different things and see what holds their interest and where they show ability. Your son's interest in trains is a hobby rather than something that will likely lead to a career, so you're right that it would have been foolish to push him there. I also think a lot of this isn't so much about what you push the kid in but just getting them to form good habits and commit to something.
sally4sara Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) Okay, that's good to hear. But it confuses me. What sort of parenting style/tactics do you think are worthwhile that also cause emotional scars? See that's the thing. We're each born with some of our disposition already a part of who we are. Some kids are naturally bold while others are naturally shy. It wouldn't matter what highly touted parenting style you employed or that it worked for 4 kids you've already raised, the next one might not respond well to it. You will do something with the greatest of intentions that will do a number on your kid. You will do something you feel guilty of later and your kid might not even remember it let alone be scarred by it. But the circumstances of your average day to day adult responsibilities are what you need to prepare any kid of any disposition for before signing off on your job as a parent. And sometimes that will be a grind and no fun, miserable and exhausting but once they're an adult, no one wants to hear them whine about it. I use to be really angsty about how little I could depend on my mother for things I saw most of my friends take for granted. I was paying my own school and lab fees on top of buying my own clothes and other wanted items completely by the time I was 15 and employable. For all the awful things my mom did, this one good one she fell ass backwards into out of her own lack of interest in parenting me. It let me know could loose everything and turn right around and work to replace it even though I also feel scarred over her lack of interest in me. Edited January 19, 2011 by sally4sara
donnamaybe Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I would expose a kid to a lot of different things and see what holds their interest and where they show ability. Your son's interest in trains is a hobby rather than something that will likely lead to a career, so you're right that it would have been foolish to push him there. I also think a lot of this isn't so much about what you push the kid in but just getting them to form good habits and commit to something. Are you kidding? People make a TON of money working for the railroad! He wanted to be a train engineer "when he grew up." Then he saw the movie Top Gun and, ever since, he has wanted to go to the Naval Academy and fly jet fighter planes. He is now 16 1/2 and becoming very interested in music. So now I should make him join the Navy? No. He is quite capable of earning a living and paying his own way in life. What I want for him, after that, is to be HAPPY! Therefore, he will choose what his career path is to be.
northern_sky Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Are you kidding? People make a TON of money working for the railroad! He wanted to be a train engineer "when he grew up." Then he saw the movie Top Gun and, ever since, he has wanted to go to the Naval Academy and fly jet fighter planes. He is now 16 1/2 and becoming very interested in music. So now I should make him join the Navy? No. He is quite capable of earning a living and paying his own way in life. What I want for him, after that, is to be HAPPY! Therefore, he will choose what his career path is to be. Well our attitudes on this are obviously very different. That's fine.
donnamaybe Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Well our attitudes on this are obviously very different. That's fine. My attitude is that I don't have a need to be able to brag about "my son, the doctor," or whatever it is that some parents need. I want my children happy and self sufficient.
northern_sky Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 My attitude is that I don't have a need to be able to brag about "my son, the doctor," or whatever it is that some parents need. I want my children happy and self sufficient. well, it wouldn't be about bragging for me. maybe it would for some parents. it would be about increasing the chances that my child is a happy, productive adult with good habits.
sally4sara Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 My attitude is that I don't have a need to be able to brag about "my son, the doctor," or whatever it is that some parents need. I want my children happy and self sufficient. I somewhat agree, but I recognize my blessings on this topic. I was lucky in getting a child that responds well to my style of parenting. I have little doubt he will be quite successful by anyone's standards. But I'm sure not going to let him in on the fact that he could spit shine shoes all day and as long as his needs were met and he was happy, I'd be pleased as punch. I like that he tries hard and want him to continue to care about making me proud just to see how much he can accomplish.
donnamaybe Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 But I'm sure not going to let him in on the fact that he could spit shine shoes all day and as long as his needs were met and he was happy, I'd be pleased as punch. Um, aren't you taking things a little to the extreme? And I sure hope there aren't any people or parents of people reading this who who shine shoes for a living. They might feel rather insulted.
northern_sky Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I guess there are some parents who care more about their own interests than their child's future happiness, but don't think that is true for most. There is just disagreement about what approach is best in leading to happiness. And I don't really think any of us can presume to know It's more guess work and what we believe.
donnamaybe Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 well, it wouldn't be about bragging for me. maybe it would for some parents. it would be about increasing the chances that my child is a happy, productive adult with good habits.And what is it about NOT forcing your child to be in a career of his parents' choice that instills bad habits?
sally4sara Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Um, aren't you taking things a little to the extreme? And I sure hope there aren't any people or parents of people reading this who who shine shoes for a living. They might feel rather insulted. Spit shining shoes was something depicted as a job taken out of a lack of options. But if my son really wanted to do it and could support himself and his dreams on it, I'd be happy for him. I could have used any job with a less admirable stereotype. I plucked this one out of a documentary about what acting roles people use to only offer minority actors. Not many shoe shiners these days. The point I was making is that while I would be happy for him in any occupation he chose - I'm not going to go into a song and dance about everything he does is made of gold and perfect just for being my sweet baby. He wants me proud of him and that makes him put in a larger effort. I believe letting him grow up thinking he can do no wrong in my eyes would have a detrimental effect on his chance of success just as much as drilling it into him that he must be Dr. Fantastico/concert pianist is the only way to make me proud would have a detrimental effect on his psyche.
donnamaybe Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) Spit shining shoes was something depicted as a job taken out of a lack of options. But if my son really wanted to do it and could support himself and his dreams on it, I'd be happy for him. I could have used any job with a less admirable stereotype. I plucked this one out of a documentary about what acting roles people use to only offer minority actors. Not many shoe shiners these days. The point I was making is that while I would be happy for him in any occupation he chose - I'm not going to go into a song and dance about everything he does is made of gold and perfect just for being my sweet baby. He wants me proud of him and that makes him put in a larger effort. I believe letting him grow up thinking he can do no wrong in my eyes would have a detrimental effect on his chance of success just as much as drilling it into him that he must be Dr. Fantastico/concert pianist is the only way to make me proud would have a detrimental effect on his psyche.First of all, where in the WORLD did you get the idea that I think my child can do no wrong or that I make him believe that? And why is it that only a job would instill a sense of pride for a child? That's such a sad notion. I am VERY proud of my son. He's kind and gentle hearted. He's intelligent but not a snob. He is sought after by his peers for advice and a shoulder to lean on. He is sweet and loving to his girlfriend, even in front of his buddies. However he chooses to earn his living once he is out on his own is a mere fraction of the person he will become. Edited January 19, 2011 by donnamaybe
sally4sara Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 First of all, where in the WORLD did you get the idea that I think my child can do no wrong? Why is it that only a job would instill a sense of pride for a child though? I am VERY proud of my son. He's kind and gentle hearted. He's intelligent but not a snob. He is sought after by his peers for advice and a shoulder to lean on. He is sweet and loving to his girlfriend, even in front of his buddies. However he chooses to earn his living once he is out on his own is a mere fraction of the person he will become. I think you think I'm arguing, accusing you of something or suggesting you have a bad parenting style. I'm not. I'm just sharing my own opinion on the matter. I'm not in your home and what your kid responds to might be different than what my kid responds to. I even said as much that no one style of parenting will always be successful because kids are not all born with the same disposition.
northern_sky Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 donna: I didn't say I support forcing a child into a career they don't want. I support giving them the tools so they can successful in whatever they choose.
donnamaybe Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I just wonder where the "thinking my child can do no wrong" thing came from. Seriously. I don't think anyone in this thread intimated that they think their child can do no wrong, so it baffled me how that idea got dragged into the discussion. This isn't a black and white issue. Parenting doesn't have to be all or nothing. I would never raise my child to be a sniveling little creep who thinks his you-know-what doesn't stink. However, SOME parents like the one who is the topic of this thread treat their kids like they are some kind of ornament to be taken out and shown off to their friends to make THEM look better.
northern_sky Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I think you think I'm arguing, accusing you of something or suggesting you have a bad parenting style. I'm not. I'm just sharing my own opinion on the matter. I'm not in your home and what your kid responds to might be different than what my kid responds to. I even said as much that no one style of parenting will always be successful because kids are not all born with the same disposition. right, I don't see why people are getting all huffy. I'm not criticizing the parenting style of anyone in this thread. just stating my personal belief.
donnamaybe Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 What about a parent who recognizes where her child's strength and interest lies and pushing the child in that area?Here's the part where I gleaned the idea that you want to tell your child what career path they should choose.
donnamaybe Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 right, I don't see why people are getting all huffy. I'm not criticizing the parenting style of anyone in this thread. just stating my personal belief.Is someone getting huffy? I guess I missed that post.
northern_sky Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Here's the part where I gleaned the idea that you want to tell your child what career path they should choose. What I mean is pushing a kid when they're a kid to commit to something where they show ability AND interest, because it allows them to develop good habits and confidence in their ability to achieve. When they're an adult, I would never force or encourage my child to pick a career I wanted for them.
sally4sara Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I just wonder where the "thinking my child can do no wrong" thing came from. Seriously. Come around where I live and you will see plenty of worthless kids who've been led to believe they can do no wrong. Seriously. They are the kids produced by parenting styles I do judge harshly. Not your kid or your style.
donnamaybe Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Come around where I live and you will see plenty of worthless kids who've believe they can do no wrong. Seriously. They are the kids produced by parenting styles I do judge harshly. Not your kid or your style. Oh, hell yeah. They're everywhere, and they piss me off too! I just wondered how it crept into this thread since that isn't the parenting style that is the topic of this thread but, rather, the controlling, overbearing parenting style of that woman. Ick.
donnamaybe Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 What I mean is pushing a kid when they're a kid to commit to something where they show ability AND interest, because it allows them to develop good habits and confidence in their ability to achieve. When they're an adult, I would never force or encourage my child to pick a career I wanted for them.I think I understand what you mean now. Like not letting a kid flit from one thing to another on a whim, but getting them to actually put some effort into one thing so they can actually make an informed decision whether it really suits them or not before moving on to something else. Or say they made a group commitment. Yes, they have to follow through on those as others are relying on them. I totally get that.
sally4sara Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Oh, hell yeah. They're everywhere, and they piss me off too! I just wondered how it crept into this thread since that isn't the parenting style that is the topic of this thread but, rather, the controlling, overbearing parenting style of that woman. Ick. Well I came to it because I got the vibe that this author had seen what she perceived to be a negative outcome and it shaped her choice in the style of parenting she employs. In thinking about how I came to my own choices about parenting, I did the same. It was a blend of not wanting to handle it the way my own mother did (too strict about pointless stuff and uninterested in my natural skill set or the effort in encouraging me) and the kind of kids I sometimes wish I could run down with my car. I don't think many of us came to any particular parenting style without having made a judgment about what we define as poor parenting first. We look at results because we were not there for the kid's day to day and we make guesses as to how they came to be who they are. "Not my kid; hell no! I would have (fill in the blank)"
donnamaybe Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 the kind of kids I sometimes wish I could run down with my car. Oh, yeah. Like when a group of them is crossing the street AGAINST the red light while you sit there and wait, and they saunter s-l-o-w-l-y across the intersection and turn and look at you with this sneer like they KNOW they're being a-holes. Once I put my car in park and revved the engine RIGHT when they were in front of my car. Should've seen the little buggers jump!
northern_sky Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I think I understand what you mean now. Like not letting a kid flit from one thing to another on a whim, but getting them to actually put some effort into one thing so they can actually make an informed decision whether it really suits them or not before moving on to something else. Or say they made a group commitment. Yes, they have to follow through on those as others are relying on them. I totally get that. yes, exactly!
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