Does my boyfriends lack of enthusiasm to spend time with me = He's not that into me??

January 20, 2011

That means you're going to have to read engineering books and become a cosmopolitan, blondie.

No, I'm just messing with you, because it's time to blow off some steam. Here, I'll post you the gayest song I could find you. Gay as in happy, damn you if you thought anything else. It's not (necessarily) my kind of music or a manly song for that matter, but that song will grow on you. In fact, someone please kill me right now, because that tune has taken over control in my head.

http://tinyurl.com/4f98wdf

LOL. Thanks for trying. I actually love that song, just not this week:sick:

January 20, 2011

Yes once a week would be good at first and just always appreciate the time you do spend together. Are you feeling stronger about it all today, you sound like you will be able to cope with any outcome better than you previously have sounded!!?

Still feeling crappy.

January 20, 2011

After that night, I did back off about the topic with him. We actually went out on Saturday night and had a great time. He spent the night and it wasn't brought up again. He than called me two days later and said he needed to think about things.

Dick move. Why do you like him?

January 20, 2011

Dick move. Why do you like him?

I asked him why he bothered coming Saturday if he was so "confused" or whatever...and he said he wanted to go. I guess he had the thoughts he had after that night.

January 20, 2011

Dick move. Why do you like him?

Because he has treated me with more respect and consideration than any other man I have ever dated. I have had 2 other long term relationships and he makes them both look like bottom dwellers.

January 20, 2011

Because he has treated me with more respect and consideration than any other man I have ever dated. I have had 2 other long term relationships and he makes them both look like bottom dwellers.

Just because he's the best of a bad bunch doesn't necessarily mean he's worthy of you, just sayin'...

January 20, 2011

Just because he's the best of a bad bunch doesn't necessarily mean he's worthy of you, just sayin'...

I don't know, he is pretty amazing. Thats why I'm having such a struggle.

January 20, 2011

I don't know, he is pretty amazing. Thats why I'm having such a struggle.

Can you actually name the very qualities about him that you think are amazing or do you just have a (general) feeling that he is amazing?

January 20, 2011

Can you actually name the very qualities about him that you think are amazing or do you just have a (general) feeling that he is amazing?

He always follows through and stays true to his word. Hes very affectionate, in private and in public. He is respectful to everyone, even when they don't deserve it. He's hardworking, and would give someone the shirt off his back.

In general, he makes me want to be a better person.

January 20, 2011

He always follows through and stays true to his word. Hes very affectionate, in private and in public. He is respectful to everyone, even when they don't deserve it. He's hardworking, and would give someone the shirt off his back.

In general, he makes me want to be a better person.

K.....but - you do seem to be focusing a bit more on the 'not a jerk' part of the equation and less so on the more important 'not a jerk to ME' portion. So he's not a total loser, great - that doesn't he is giving you what you need. You deserve to get your needs met in a relationship.

Edited January 20, 2011 by Knittress

January 20, 2011

Not at all, your 'needs' have to be realistic to be met and are always subject to circumstance and other demands on the relationship.

January 20, 2011

K.....but - you do seem to be focusing a bit more on the 'not a jerk' part of the equation and less so on the more important 'not a jerk to ME' portion. So he's not a total loser, great - that doesn't he is giving you what you need. You deserve to get your needs met in a relationship.

All my needs were being met until I got selfish.

January 20, 2011

You weren't being selfish. There really was something going on. You just messed up the communication.

January 20, 2011

You weren't being selfish. There really was something going on. You just messed up the communication.

Yeah well I hope all the views at this thread will teach someone other than myself a lesson:confused:

January 20, 2011

I know I learned something in communication from it.

January 20, 2011

I don't think he's done anything that sounds like he's a jerk. At the very least, even if they are incompatible, even if her feelings were stronger, the OP escalated conflict to such a degree that this situation is where it is. Owning that is likely the only path to happiness. Just writing it all off on him doesn't help for the future, does it?

How is he acting like a jerk? He's expressing his needs now. He needs space. He needs her to stop. He needs to think. He needs the pressure off. The truth is, there's a good chance that the OP can't meet his needs, and he can't meet hers. Doesn't make him a jerk. Doesn't help the OP in the long-run to decide he was.

When someone isn't meeting your needs, you need to do 2 things:

1. Re-assess your needs, and see if they're really "needs." (And if what you think you need is really the root of it. . . meaning, that you need the actual thing you need and what you think it "means" to you. i.e. Some people think they need Valentine's Day candy because it shows their SO remembered and thought of them at a special time; in these cases, they don't REALLY need the candy; they need to feel appreciated. Etc.)

2. If you've done #1, and it is REALLY a need: Express the need, confirm the person has "heard" you and really listened, give the person time to meet it, and then -- if it cannot be met or the person does not wish to do so -- re-evaluate the person.

That's my view of how a healthy relationship works. It may not sound romantic, and it's certainly less of a roller coaster, but it's more likely to work out for you more often than just hoping you stumble upon someone who reads your mind, meets all your needs immediately, and wants exactly what you want all the time. Now, the latter may happen, but it's certainly less common, and all sorts of drama erupts in people's lives because of that.

I hope the OP gets another chance with this guy (no idea if she will) since that's what she seems to want, but I also hope she better understands her own needs and how to communicate them in a way that doesn't infringe upon his needs. I perhaps better identify with his needs in this situation -- space, understanding during a busy time -- than hers -- constant contact and validation -- but both are reasonable, to some degree (depending on how expressed and what is really needed). Manuevering between the two would be difficult, of course.

But writing the guy off as a jerk, or someone who never cared about the OP. . . it sounds like sour grapes to me.

Edited January 20, 2011 by zengirl

January 20, 2011

I don't think he's done anything that sounds like he's a jerk. At the very least, even if they are incompatible, even if her feelings were stronger, the OP escalated conflict to such a degree that this situation is where it is.

We get it.

January 20, 2011

Some people here are so intent to prove they are RIGHT. Sometimes it gets a little old.

January 20, 2011

Some people here are so intent to prove they are RIGHT. Sometimes it gets a little old.

Not trying to prove anything. Just hate to see people calling a guy a jerk when he's done nothing wrong, except ask for what he needs (while validating someone else do anything they want to get what they need) in a civilized manner, but I don't care who disagrees or agrees with me. He's not here to defend himself, and I hate to see these things turn into attacks on the partner just to make the poster feel better. I feel like that happens a lot on this site. But there's no way I can "prove" I'm correct about him, or life, or anything. All I can do is keep speaking up when I have something to say.

January 20, 2011

Not trying to prove anything. Just hate to see people calling a guy a jerk when he's done nothing wrong, except ask for what he needs (while validating someone else do anything they want to get what they need) in a civilized manner, but I don't care who disagrees or agrees with me. He's not here to defend himself, and I hate to see these things turn into attacks on the partner just to make the poster feel better. I feel like that happens a lot on this site. But there's no way I can "prove" I'm correct about him, or life, or anything. All I can do is keep speaking up when I have something to say.

Some of your posts have been very negative towards me. I came here for positivity.

January 21, 2011

Personally I do think this guy is a jerk. If he really cared about you that much, he would have insisted in driving to your place to have the talk. Instead, he had you driving on a work night to and from his place. If you stay with this guy, it's always going to be all about him and him not initiating affection or even wanting to see you, you are going to have to be the one doing all the effort in the relationship, including initiating dates, and driving to see him when you need to talk.

I mean....WTF????

Believe me, the more that is posted, the more I think you should just end it. Don't even let him know you're done with him, just be done. I am sure you will find some great guy who will make you think "Why did I make such a fuss over that last guy? What a d**k!"

Trust me, in month or longer, you will feel SOOOOOO much better to be rid of this dude.

January 21, 2011

Personally I do think this guy is a jerk. If he really cared about you that much, he would have insisted in driving to your place to have the talk. Instead, he had you driving on a work night to and from his place. If you stay with this guy, it's always going to be all about him and him not initiating affection or even wanting to see you, you are going to have to be the one doing all the effort in the relationship, including initiating dates, and driving to see him when you need to talk.
I mean....WTF????
Believe me, the more that is posted, the more I think you should just end it. Don't even let him know you're done with him, just be done. I am sure you will find some great guy who will make you think "Why did I make such a fuss over that last guy? What a d**k!"
Trust me, in month or longer, you will feel SOOOOOO much better to be rid of this dude.

Hey thanks for the support. Just a few things though. He actually did offer to come to my place that night. But I was already going to be more than half way, leaving my place of work. I went there right after. So I insisted I go there. It snowed that night and he texted me earlier saying he didn't want me driving.

And he actually is really affectionate. Thats one of the qualities I liked most about him. It really had been a short time that he wasn't initiating as much. I freaked out. I should have been a little more understanding. We started dating in October and from that point on until the holidays, he was consistent. We go out regularly to dinner, movies, etc. Taking me to his work Christmas Party, and away for a long weekend.

As much as I hate to say it. This was my fault. And now I may have to pay a price of losing someone I adore. The last few days have been a real eye opener for me.

I feel pretty depressed but when I'm busy at school or work I'm dealing. Now that I'm home alone and its night, I'm falling apart again.

January 21, 2011

I don't think he's done anything that sounds like he's a jerk. At the very least, even if they are incompatible, even if her feelings were stronger, the OP escalated conflict to such a degree that this situation is where it is. Owning that is likely the only path to happiness. Just writing it all off on him doesn't help for the future, does it?

How is he acting like a jerk? He's expressing his needs now. He needs space. He needs her to stop. He needs to think. He needs the pressure off. The truth is, there's a good chance that the OP can't meet his needs, and he can't meet hers. Doesn't make him a jerk. Doesn't help the OP in the long-run to decide he was.

When someone isn't meeting your needs, you need to do 2 things:

1. Re-assess your needs, and see if they're really "needs." (And if what you think you need is really the root of it. . . meaning, that you need the actual thing you need and what you think it "means" to you. i.e. Some people think they need Valentine's Day candy because it shows their SO remembered and thought of them at a special time; in these cases, they don't REALLY need the candy; they need to feel appreciated. Etc.)

2. If you've done #1, and it is REALLY a need: Express the need, confirm the person has "heard" you and really listened, give the person time to meet it, and then -- if it cannot be met or the person does not wish to do so -- re-evaluate the person.

That's my view of how a healthy relationship works. It may not sound romantic, and it's certainly less of a roller coaster, but it's more likely to work out for you more often than just hoping you stumble upon someone who reads your mind, meets all your needs immediately, and wants exactly what you want all the time. Now, the latter may happen, but it's certainly less common, and all sorts of drama erupts in people's lives because of that.

I hope the OP gets another chance with this guy (no idea if she will) since that's what she seems to want, but I also hope she better understands her own needs and how to communicate them in a way that doesn't infringe upon his needs. I perhaps better identify with his needs in this situation -- space, understanding during a busy time -- than hers -- constant contact and validation -- but both are reasonable, to some degree (depending on how expressed and what is really needed). Manuevering between the two would be difficult, of course.

But writing the guy off as a jerk, or someone who never cared about the OP. . . it sounds like sour grapes to me.

Who ever said I needed constant contact and validation. You don't even know me? wtf:mad:

January 21, 2011

He told me he needed this time of a few days to a week to "think". I'm sure it doesn't literally mean 7 days but does there come a point where I'm "allowed" to contact and see whats up? Like maybe say Sunday? It would have been 5 days by than. I think that is plenty of time to decide how he feels about me. And if he needs longer, its pretty much done.

Since this was my fault. I'm trying my best to be patient, but I'm not waiting forever. I told him a week, ok, but after that, I have to move on. I know he will contact me, he's not the disappearing type. I have some stuff at his place and he at mine. So contact will have to be made anyway.

January 21, 2011

Who ever said I needed constant contact and validation. You don't even know me? wtf

Man I dont know "you" but I know the type, If anybody on this thread thinks that they can provide you advice or change your mind they obviously have no experience dealing with your type..

For the life of me I cannot figure out how this thread has gone on so long and some pretty decent level headed posters on here that are contributing to this never ending drivel simply refuse to admit they simply dont "get" the fact that you dont "get it"....

I would say that your coming off in this thread as an overly emotional, tantrum throwing, constantly needing attention, spoiled little daddys girl..

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Does my boyfriends lack of enthusiasm to spend time with me = He's not that into me??

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