Does my boyfriends lack of enthusiasm to spend time with me = He's not that into me??

[sunshinegirl]

Sarcastic Blondie,

 

I've read your whole thread. I'm sorry it's gone this way for you.

 

I am now about 6 years removed from a very similar situation myself, and given that, I must say I wasn't surprised at the turn your situation took for you. The same thing happened to me: an early and very promising relationship flamed out within 6 months, for reasons that I never fully understood but can best be described as a descent from high high high interest on his part to "he just wasn't into me." It was very painful.

 

Having learned from that experience, in your case I noted what seemed to be a few "too much, too soon" things: him spending the holidays with your family after dating for about 2 months? Him giving you a key at what must have been only a few weeks into your relationship? Him talking about marriage and kids (repeatedly?) early on?

 

I can see how these would lead you to believe that your emotional investment in each other was the same, but through hard experience I have learned to be wary of such intense early indicators from a guy. "The higher the flame, the faster the burnout."

 

Given the above factors, when I read in the thread that it was after the holidays that he pulled back (i.e. after spending intense amounts of time with you/your family), plus the fact that you had not exchanged I love you's (meaning, he had not verbalized strong feelings for you), I had a feeling that he was going to eventually break things off. That is exactly how it went down in my situation. You had 80+ posts debating whether it was reasonable for him to want 2x per week or more, with no one pointing out for pages and pages of posts that his change in behavior -- from very eager to see and spend time with you, to a noticeable cooling in his enthusiasm for same -- could very well indicate that his feelings had changed. In fact, it's the most logical conclusion and it seemed like people offered all kinds of explanations except the obvious.

 

I have learned this the hard way: when a guy is head over heels about a girl, he will jump through hoops to spend time with her. Your guy simply did not sound like someone who was eager to be with you toward the end.

 

I don't mean to pile on, so while I would say that your choices in how you handled things contributed to the dynamic, you were fundamentally dealing with a man who wasn't (or was no longer) on the same page emotionally. I'm really sorry. I know how it feels.

 

At this point, I would strongly urge you to consider this relationship over (break UP, not break), and not to wait around for him to change his mind. He is unlikely to have a spontaneous 180 degree attitude shift and become the enthusiastic pursuer that you want. Your emotional health will be the better for it; otherwise, every moment of every day will feel like an eternity as you try to divine what he might be thinking right now, and will he contact me, and when will he contact me, and what will I say if he does, and what if this, and what if that. I've been there; maybe you have before too. It's nerve wracking and it sucks.

 

The good news is that you'll meet someone else eventually who rings all your bells, including the enthusiastic pursuer one.

[hydorclops]

Damn, I read the whole thread.

 

The idea it makes me think about is this.

 

Family and marriage counselors are virtually unanimous in promoting communication.

 

They say that asking for what you want is good.

 

Getting what you ask for because you asked for it is just fine.

 

Expecting the other person to do what you ask and want to do what you ask is asking for a lot.

 

BUT

 

These counselors have plenty of clients because so many people resist the above ideas. They use these ideas instead:

 

I shouldn't have to ask out loud, you should just know.

 

If you give me what I want because I ask, you're just placating me. It doesn't count.

 

Doing what I want is not enough, I need you to want to do what I want.

 

I endorse the therapists.

 

Blonde, I sympathize with you because your style is common enough that it rates as normal. It isn't very effective though.

 

Of course this may not apply to you, I'm only guessing. Just my $.02

[Madgick1]

Yes not be understanding about that the pull back of time was wrong. Yes I behaved in the wrong manner. I know this for the 20th time

 

But do you know why?

 

You could have reacted with equanimity and understanding and seen this pull back period as a time to concentrate on other parts of your life...or...you could have jumped to the conclusion that it means he doesn't care about you, that he was losing interest, that you were 'settling', that you deserved better, etc...

 

Your instinct led you to the second option, that's what you need to look into so that next time you act on instinct (and we all have times when instinct takes over), that instinct doesn't hurt what you value.

[Nexus One]

He told me he isn't dating me for fun, he was looking for the long term and he wants to be sure about it.

 

Than he said he feels he still needs to think about things.

 

 

 

Here's my view on it, taking into consideration everything you wrote starting from the 1st post in this thread.

 

He wants(or wanted) a long term relationship with you. Men that want such a relationship want the woman they're with to WANT it too, it has to be her choice too. Men are looking for evidence that you really want it too. The simple reason for this is that it would be futile to start a long term relationship with someone that doesn't want it for a full 100%. They want the love to be 100% mutual.

 

So what he did was this. He let you do the talking. He let you pass him the evidence. Except you came across as "unsure" or "doubting". And that in combination with the fact that you pressed him for more time got him thinking.

 

"Can I provide this woman with what she needs? She doesn't seem to be a 100% sure. Perhaps she's looking for reasons to end it."

 

So that's why the following happened the way it happened. He let you make the choice.

 

I than asked him if he wanted his apartment keys back and he said "ok", like he was surprised. I don't really know why he was surprised but I gave them to him. I asked him something I shouldn't have and said "I' didn't expect you to say ok" he said "well than take them back" but I didn't.

 

You chose the opposite of what he wanted. This was his evidence. You didn't want his key. He now thinks you do not want to be with him. Because not taking his key back is a pretty strong signal.

 

"I' didn't expect you to say ok" he said "well than take them back"

 

That's the evidence right there that he let YOU make your own choice, so that he could decide if you both wanted a long term relationship with each other for the full 100%.

 

Your communication with him is skewed. Your perspective comes from your emotional standpoint. His perspective comes from observing what YOU want, because he already knows what he feels for you. WHAT YOU WANT is the variable in his equation for a long term relationship.

 

It's unfortunate communication. That's what it is. You both want the same, but sh*t got confusing and spiraled you guys off the path you both were on.

Edited January 19, 2011 by Nexus One

[SarcasticBlonde]

Sarcastic Blondie,

 

I've read your whole thread. I'm sorry it's gone this way for you.

 

I am now about 6 years removed from a very similar situation myself, and given that, I must say I wasn't surprised at the turn your situation took for you. The same thing happened to me: an early and very promising relationship flamed out within 6 months, for reasons that I never fully understood but can best be described as a descent from high high high interest on his part to "he just wasn't into me." It was very painful.

 

Having learned from that experience, in your case I noted what seemed to be a few "too much, too soon" things: him spending the holidays with your family after dating for about 2 months? Him giving you a key at what must have been only a few weeks into your relationship? Him talking about marriage and kids (repeatedly?) early on?

 

I can see how these would lead you to believe that your emotional investment in each other was the same, but through hard experience I have learned to be wary of such intense early indicators from a guy. "The higher the flame, the faster the burnout."

 

Given the above factors, when I read in the thread that it was after the holidays that he pulled back (i.e. after spending intense amounts of time with you/your family), plus the fact that you had not exchanged I love you's (meaning, he had not verbalized strong feelings for you), I had a feeling that he was going to eventually break things off. That is exactly how it went down in my situation. You had 80+ posts debating whether it was reasonable for him to want 2x per week or more, with no one pointing out for pages and pages of posts that his change in behavior -- from very eager to see and spend time with you, to a noticeable cooling in his enthusiasm for same -- could very well indicate that his feelings had changed. In fact, it's the most logical conclusion and it seemed like people offered all kinds of explanations except the obvious.

 

I have learned this the hard way: when a guy is head over heels about a girl, he will jump through hoops to spend time with her. Your guy simply did not sound like someone who was eager to be with you toward the end.

 

I don't mean to pile on, so while I would say that your choices in how you handled things contributed to the dynamic, you were fundamentally dealing with a man who wasn't (or was no longer) on the same page emotionally. I'm really sorry. I know how it feels.

 

At this point, I would strongly urge you to consider this relationship over (break UP, not break), and not to wait around for him to change his mind. He is unlikely to have a spontaneous 180 degree attitude shift and become the enthusiastic pursuer that you want. Your emotional health will be the better for it; otherwise, every moment of every day will feel like an eternity as you try to divine what he might be thinking right now, and will he contact me, and when will he contact me, and what will I say if he does, and what if this, and what if that. I've been there; maybe you have before too. It's nerve wracking and it sucks.

 

The good news is that you'll meet someone else eventually who rings all your bells, including the enthusiastic pursuer one.

 

THIS really hit home. thank you.

[SarcasticBlonde]

Doing this may have been pointless since I'm now grabbing at straws but I said it anyway. Out of the kabillions of mistakes I have made during this whole ordeal I tried to set it straight to the best of my ability, too late or not. I texted him and said:

 

"hey, just want you to know that I appreciate everything you have done for me,

with me, etc. I think you are probably one of the best people I have ever met in

regards to the way you treat me and make me want to be a better person.

 

I'm hurt (naturally) but it doesn't change my feelings or respect for you. I

think I assumed the worst would happen, which is why I gave your keys back to

you. And I accused you of shutting down, when in reality I did that last night.

I would very much like to get past this and work it out at a pace that's

comfortable for both of us. And I want to respect your time to reflect. Also I

know I said that I thought it was better we not talk during this time you need

but I don't want to shut you out. So if you need to say anything or ask me

anything or just vent about your day, you can call me."

 

I want to be the understanding and supportive partner you deserve. "

 

He responded back with:

 

 

"I'm always greatful for you, and you are a very thoughtful person, Thank you for your

thoughts and understanding on where I'm at, at the moment. I also want you to know your

important to me."

 

I responded:

 

"Thanks for responding, and please know that I'm not the person I showed

you Friday night (our argument) and I know I was pushy, bitchy and relentless

I have been under some strain as well and took it out on you and a perfectly content relationship.

Something I deeply regret"

Edited January 19, 2011 by SarcasticBlonde

[hydorclops]

Doing this may have been pointless since I'm now grabbing at straws but I said it anyway. Out of the kabillions of mistakes I have made during this whole ordeal I tried to set it straight to the best of my ability, too late or not. I texted him and said:

 

"hey, just want you to know that I appreciate everything you have done for me,

with me, etc. I think you are probably one of the best people I have ever met in

regards to the way you treat me and make me want to be a better person.

 

I'm hurt (naturally) but it doesn't change my feelings or respect for you. I

think I assumed the worst would happen, which is why I gave your keys back to

you. And I accused you of shutting down, when in reality I did that last night.

I would very much like to get past this and work it out at a pace that's

comfortable for both of us. And I want to respect your time to reflect. Also I

know I said that I thought it was better we not talk during this time you need

but I don't want to shut you out. So if you need to say anything or ask me

anything or just vent about your day, you can call me."

 

I want to be the understanding and supportive partner you deserve. "

 

He responded back with:

 

 

"I'm always greatful for you, and you are a very thoughtful person, Thank you for your

thoughts and understanding on where I'm at, at the moment. I also want you to know your

important to me."

 

I responded:

 

"Thanks for responding, and please know that I'm not the person I showed

you Friday night (our argument) and I know I was pushy, bitchy and relentless

I have been under some strain as well and took it out on you and a perfectly content relationship.

Something I deeply regret"

 

That sounds fine to me. I hope it works out for you. It seems like it could.

[SarcasticBlonde]

Here's my view on it, taking into consideration everything you wrote starting from the 1st post in this thread.

 

He wants(or wanted) a long term relationship with you. Men that want such a relationship want the woman they're with to WANT it too, it has to be her choice too. Men are looking for evidence that you really want it too. The simple reason for this is that it would be futile to start a long term relationship with someone that doesn't want it for a full 100%. They want the love to be 100% mutual.

 

So what he did was this. He let you do the talking. He let you pass him the evidence. Except you came across as "unsure" or "doubting". And that in combination with the fact that you pressed him for more time got him thinking.

 

"Can I provide this woman with what she needs? She doesn't seem to be a 100% sure. Perhaps she's looking for reasons to end it."

 

So that's why the following happened the way it happened. He let you make the choice.

 

 

 

You chose the opposite of what he wanted. This was his evidence. You didn't want his key. He now thinks you do not want to be with him. Because not taking his key back is a pretty strong signal.

 

 

 

That's the evidence right there that he let YOU make your own choice, so that he could decide if you both wanted a long term relationship with each other for the full 100%.

 

Your communication with him is skewed. Your perspective comes from your emotional standpoint. His perspective comes from observing what YOU want, because he already knows what he feels for you. WHAT YOU WANT is the variable in his equation for a long term relationship.

 

It's unfortunate communication. That's what it is. You both want the same, but sh*t got confusing and spiraled you guys off the path you both were on.

 

I read this and alot of it does make sense. But I also read Sydney's post and what she said was very telling. About how he came on a little strong and than backed away a bit. I guess it could be chalked up to him being busy, tired, etc..OR it really could be he was losing interest. Either way he is the only one who can tell me these things and he has yet to do that.

[zengirl]

Doing this may have been pointless since I'm now grabbing at straws but I said it anyway. Out of the kabillions of mistakes I have made during this whole ordeal I tried to set it straight to the best of my ability, too late or not. I texted him and said:

 

"hey, just want you to know that I appreciate everything you have done for me,

with me, etc. I think you are probably one of the best people I have ever met in

regards to the way you treat me and make me want to be a better person.

 

I'm hurt (naturally) but it doesn't change my feelings or respect for you. I

think I assumed the worst would happen, which is why I gave your keys back to

you. And I accused you of shutting down, when in reality I did that last night.

I would very much like to get past this and work it out at a pace that's

comfortable for both of us. And I want to respect your time to reflect. Also I

know I said that I thought it was better we not talk during this time you need

but I don't want to shut you out. So if you need to say anything or ask me

anything or just vent about your day, you can call me."

 

I want to be the understanding and supportive partner you deserve. "

 

He responded back with:

 

 

"I'm always greatful for you, and you are a very thoughtful person, Thank you for your

thoughts and understanding on where I'm at, at the moment. I also want you to know your

important to me."

 

I responded:

 

"Thanks for responding, and please know that I'm not the person I showed

you Friday night (our argument) and I know I was pushy, bitchy and relentless

I have been under some strain as well and took it out on you and a perfectly content relationship.

Something I deeply regret"

 

The truth is, at this point, it may or may not work, but I think it's a positive step.

 

I disagree that men are always tripping themselves to be with you if they're interested. Frankly, women aren't either. I love my BF, but if I'm busy, I tell him, "You won't see me till X" and he's okay with it. He does the same with me. Different people react differently to this, and large patterns of putting the relationship too low on the priority totem pole (only the couple involved can determine how low is too low; people really are different in where/how they prioritize their SO at different points in their lives).

 

However, if it got lost in my analysis of your behavior here (I did mention compatibility but only in passing), I do want to say---I also agree with the women who have pointed out there are other kinds of men you might be more compatible with. I just disagree that those men are inherently "better." Better for a woman like you? Maybe. Only you know that.

[SarcasticBlonde]

The truth is, at this point, it may or may not work, but I think it's a positive step.

 

I disagree that men are always tripping themselves to be with you if they're interested. Frankly, women aren't either. I love my BF, but if I'm busy, I tell him, "You won't see me till X" and he's okay with it. He does the same with me. Different people react differently to this, and large patterns of putting the relationship too low on the priority totem pole (only the couple involved can determine how low is too low; people really are different in where/how they prioritize their SO at different points in their lives).

 

However, if it got lost in my analysis of your behavior here (I did mention compatibility but only in passing), I do want to say---I also agree with the women who have pointed out there are other kinds of men you might be more compatible with. I just disagree that those men are inherently "better." Better for a woman like you? Maybe. Only you know that.

 

Either way, I'm glad I expressed this, even if it was in a text message

 

I have heard many woman say "If a man is crazy about you, he will make sure you know it". I think this all reverts back to the "hes just not that into you" club. I considered myself a loyal member to the book and movie.

 

Him and I come from different worlds, but I thought maybe we could learn something from each other. I don't plan to contact him anymore until he contacts me. And who knows, at that point I may feel differently. But right now all I'm feeling is hurt.

[zengirl]

I have heard many woman say "If a man is crazy about you, he will make sure you know it". I think this all reverts back to the "hes just not that into you" club. I considered myself a loyal member to the book and movie.

 

I agree with this in general---you'll know it at some point early on. But in this case you DID know it.

 

Men are much less likely to be great at the middle part of the relationship, the follow through, in my experience, where they seldom want to keep chasing and just want to settle in, usually before a woman realizes that the end of the chasing isn't the end of the interest. I've seen this many times. But every man handles this part differently, and there are men who are more communicative/require more contact than others, just like women. That's where compatibility comes in.

[SarcasticBlonde]

I agree with this in general---you'll know it at some point early on. But in this case you DID know it.

 

Men are much less likely to be great at the middle part of the relationship, the follow through, in my experience, where they seldom want to keep chasing and just want to settle in, usually before a woman realizes that the end of the chasing isn't the end of the interest. I've seen this many times. But every man handles this part differently, and there are men who are more communicative/require more contact than others, just like women. That's where compatibility comes in.

 

 

I understand not everyone is going to have the same needs and wants. I doubt I'm going to find someone JUST like me. I think opposites attract and couples can sometimes adjust to each other or decide if they want to adjust.

 

I jumped the gun, obviously. However I really don't know if he is/was CRAZY about me. I really don't. I don't doubt that he liked me or even cared, but not to the extent of -really into me, crazy about me, etc. I felt that for him. I'm not sure we were even or close to equal on that.

[SarcasticBlonde]

I agree with this in general---you'll know it at some point early on. But in this case you DID know it.

 

 

Wanna make sure I understand. Did know what? That he was into me or not so much?

[zengirl]

Wanna make sure I understand. Did know what? That he was into me or not so much?

 

You knew he was into you. He treated you well, spent time with you, expressed his interest, introduced you around, even gave you a key! He knew you knew it, probably. He didn't realize that if he pulled back a bit, to deal with his work stuff, that you'd un-know it, which seems to be what happened.

 

This is a very typical male thing, especially with introverts (and it sounds like your BF is one)----they'll express interest and assume you get it. Then, they'll do something else for a minute, maybe lightening their expression, assuming you still get it. A lot of women seem to forget --- even I do sometimes --- that the interest was there if it's not frequently/regularly expressed in the same way, or even in escalating ways. Not sure why this is, but it seems to be common socialization.

 

Yes, I get that his behavior changed. But it also seems that he warned you it would for a bit. Work happened. I don't really believe he began to lose interest till you began to feel insecure; one caused the other, but not the one you think. (This really isn't to beat you up, BTW. It's something that most women will do at one point or another. I have, as well.)

[sunshinegirl]

I agree with this in general---you'll know it at some point early on. But in this case you DID know it.

 

Men are much less likely to be great at the middle part of the relationship, the follow through, in my experience, where they seldom want to keep chasing and just want to settle in, usually before a woman realizes that the end of the chasing isn't the end of the interest. I've seen this many times. But every man handles this part differently, and there are men who are more communicative/require more contact than others, just like women. That's where compatibility comes in.

 

...but...three months in? You consider 3 months in to a relationship to be the middle part of it?

 

You have made some great points in this thread, Zen, but here I really feel like it boils down to "too much too soon."

 

I can't figure out why so little attention in this thread has focused on how unbelievably fast keys were exchanged (2-3 weeks in?), holidays were spent with family (2 months in), and marriage was discussed (from nearly the beginning, it seems). Moreover, they had not exchanged I Love You's (this is more important from his side), and her ex has very little relationship experience (a 32 year old with only one prior relationship to his name). To me, this all points to an infatuation- or momentum-driven relationship that may be fizzling out now because his feelings haven't kept pace with hers.

 

I don't see this situation as revolving around the normal and inevitable "settling in" process of a relationship. This was him (primarily) getting ahead of himself emotionally, and deciding post-holidays that perhaps this relationship isn't what he wants or needs.

 

I have a TON of sympathy (and empathy!) for the OP because I have been there - I posted about it above. I am on her side, really. I just am really confused by all the posters assuming this was a more established and stable relationship than it sounds like it was to me.

[ConflictedGuy27]

nice text, Blondie. it certainly bought you time, IMO.

 

you gotta be consistent though.

 

I forget which poster commented, but I thought it was pretty insightful when he/she mentioned you are a combination of the (excuse the phrase) "irrational" girl you've shown so much of lately, as well as the opposing personality you shown prior to the "spend more time with me, or else" fiasco.

 

I agree; you're both. just like each of us are a conglomeration of our experiences that dictate how we behaive. that said, I can't help but inch more toward the camp that believes you two may be incompatible.

 

I mean, can one really squelch such a large aspect of ones personality?

 

even if they could, should they? is supressing a side of one's self (albeit an irrational one) for the purpose of pursuing some love interest an appropriate reason??

 

I wonder. because some of the best/most positively functioning relationships I've seen (from the outside looking in) were two people that had truly matching baggage. e.g. the ballet between an NPD and codependent. when both are functioning & highly successful, it damn near looks healthy; perhaps worthy of envy.

 

I don't know. I do know myself & know that I'd fall flat on my face if I tried to supress a portion of who I am for very long. moreover, especially if it worked, i'd likely begin to resent my SO -- "look at her over there all happy enjoying this relationship and I can't even be myself; bah... I think I'll sprinkle some cookie crumbs all over the bed sheets; yeah... that'll teach her."

 

I'd go bonkers, personally. crumbs everywhere I tell you. big ones.

[SarcasticBlonde]

You knew he was into you. He treated you well, spent time with you, expressed his interest, introduced you around, even gave you a key! He knew you knew it, probably. He didn't realize that if he pulled back a bit, to deal with his work stuff, that you'd un-know it, which seems to be what happened.

 

This is a very typical male thing, especially with introverts (and it sounds like your BF is one)----they'll express interest and assume you get it. Then, they'll do something else for a minute, maybe lightening their expression, assuming you still get it. A lot of women seem to forget --- even I do sometimes --- that the interest was there if it's not frequently/regularly expressed in the same way, or even in escalating ways. Not sure why this is, but it seems to be common socialization.

 

Yes, I get that his behavior changed. But it also seems that he warned you it would for a bit. Work happened. I don't really believe he began to lose interest till you began to feel insecure; one caused the other, but not the one you think. (This really isn't to beat you up, BTW. It's something that most women will do at one point or another. I have, as well.)

 

 

He didn't warn me, though. Not until I asked. That doesn't really matter, I guess. I just had a nagging feeling that something was "off". It wasn't just the "2x a week" thing. But his initiating seeing me stopped. I took a step back and realized I was doing most of it. Yes he was calling me on a nightly basis but it still felt like he was pulling back. I even expressed this casually -about lack of initiating- and told him I felt that I was doing too much of it. I guess I didn't give him a chance to change it. But I'm still not sure he was INTO me.

[Nexus One]

I have heard many woman say "If a man is crazy about you, he will make sure you know it". I think this all reverts back to the "hes just not that into you" club. I considered myself a loyal member to the book and movie.

 

I happened to see about "that club" on Oprah. When it comes to men the stuff on Oprah is very conservative. I don't watch Oprah regularly, but I just happened to turn on the TV and there was a group of women yelling "he's just not that into you!". I then knew they were in a brainwashing session.

 

I get the idea Oprah doesn't like men very much and wants to project that opinion on other women. For crying out loud they had hundreds of women in the studio, but just 1 guy and he tried to promote his book. The reason they didn't have any regular men in the studio is because if they would have had, then they'd be called out on their bullsh*t.

 

Perhaps it might contain a few broadly general truths here and there, but that doesn't mean it applies to your situation and hence it could be damaging to your relationship if you believe any of those things apply to your man.

 

I'd say, don't take it seriously. Before it does any damage in your own relationship(s).

Edited January 19, 2011 by Nexus One

[SarcasticBlonde]

nice text, Blondie. it certainly bought you time, IMO.

 

you gotta be consistent though.

 

I forget which poster commented, but I thought it was pretty insightful when he/she mentioned you are a combination of the (excuse the phrase) "irrational" girl you've shown so much of lately, as well as the opposing personality you shown prior to the "spend more time with me, or else" fiasco.

 

I agree; you're both. just like each of us are a conglomeration of our experiences that dictate how we behaive. that said, I can't help but inch more toward the camp that believes you two may be incompatible.

 

I mean, can one really squelch such a large aspect of ones personality?

 

even if they could, should they? is supressing a side of one's self (albeit an irrational one) for the purpose of pursuing some love interest an appropriate reason??

 

I wonder. because some of the best/most positively functioning relationships I've seen (from the outside looking in) were two people that had truly matching baggage. e.g. the ballet between an NPD and codependent. when both are functioning & highly successful, it damn near looks healthy; perhaps worthy of envy.

 

I don't know. I do know myself & know that I'd fall flat on my face if I tried to supress a portion of who I am for very long. moreover, especially if it worked, i'd likely begin to resent my SO -- "look at her over there all happy enjoying this relationship and I can't even be myself; bah... I think I'll sprinkle some cookie crumbs all over the bed sheets; yeah... that'll teach her."

 

I'd go bonkers, personally. crumbs everywhere I tell you. big ones.

 

 

Yeah I was irrational. I will be the first to admit it.

 

Cookie crumbs? lol. Wow you actually made me laugh.

 

Anyway- I don't think I would be pushing who I was aside for him. I just think its a matter of adjustment. I think it would have been a positive adjustment for someone like myself. But coulda, woulda, shoulda.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Cookie crumbs? lol. Wow you actually made me laugh.

 

i'm man enough to admit i've done a few things with a pack of Mrs. Fields that i'm not particularly proud of.

 

live & learn, baby.

[SarcasticBlonde]

I feel foolish but part of me hopes he misses me, at some point. And realizes having me in his life is better, than not.

[SarcasticBlonde]

...but...three months in? You consider 3 months in to a relationship to be the middle part of it?

 

You have made some great points in this thread, Zen, but here I really feel like it boils down to "too much too soon."

 

I can't figure out why so little attention in this thread has focused on how unbelievably fast keys were exchanged (2-3 weeks in?), holidays were spent with family (2 months in), and marriage was discussed (from nearly the beginning, it seems). Moreover, they had not exchanged I Love You's (this is more important from his side), and her ex has very little relationship experience (a 32 year old with only one prior relationship to his name). To me, this all points to an infatuation- or momentum-driven relationship that may be fizzling out now because his feelings haven't kept pace with hers.

 

I don't see this situation as revolving around the normal and inevitable "settling in" process of a relationship. This was him (primarily) getting ahead of himself emotionally, and deciding post-holidays that perhaps this relationship isn't what he wants or needs.

 

I have a TON of sympathy (and empathy!) for the OP because I have been there - I posted about it above. I am on her side, really. I just am really confused by all the posters assuming this was a more established and stable relationship than it sounds like it was to me.

 

 

Hi Sunshine, I need to clarify something. He never said he wanted to marry ME. But he made is known that is what he is looking for (an LTR) when it comes to dating someone. We met online, not sure if I ever expressed that.

 

When he told me I was the first woman he dating since he has lived in the US I was pretty shocked.

[Nexus One]

When he told me I was the first woman he dating since he has lived in the US I was pretty shocked.

 

Where is he from originally, if I may be so bold to ask? Or better yet, where has he lived most of his life?

[SarcasticBlonde]

Where is he from originally, if I may be so bold to ask?

 

 

Don't mind my typos:confused:

 

He is originally from Japan. But has lived all over. As a teenager he went to boarding school in Australia, and college-work in Great Britain

[Ms. Joolie]

I can't figure out why so little attention in this thread has focused on how unbelievably fast keys were exchanged (2-3 weeks in?), holidays were spent with family (2 months in), and marriage was discussed (from nearly the beginning, it seems). Moreover, they had not exchanged I Love You's (this is more important from his side), and her ex has very little relationship experience (a 32 year old with only one prior relationship to his name). To me, this all points to an infatuation- or momentum-driven relationship that may be fizzling out now because his feelings haven't kept pace with hers.

 

This has to be the most important observation of the thread.

 

I totally didn't get until today that it had been only two weeks that their pattern had been interrupted. I think when he stopped initiated seeing her come January 1st, it was a real shock to her. It took only two weeks for her to notice and react to this change, only because things had been too much and too soon prior to that.

 

I had it in my mind that this was an intimate relationship, and all of a sudden he was too busy for her. I was feeling what she was feeling, and also not realizing the bigger picture. His job sounded like an excuse, but had I considered the time frame of two weeks, it would have changed my opinion.

 

I am still downright disappointed in his reaction to her reaction though. I would have hoped he would be more understanding for her misunderstanding. If that makes sense. But then, if he is uncomfortable with his own feelings, he is surely more uncomfortable with a woman's feelings!