Does my boyfriends lack of enthusiasm to spend time with me = He's not that into me??

[OceanGirl]

thanks, you make several valid points. But I still have the same questions lingering. Why not just let me go? I'm not ready to do that and if there is any chance he wants to give it another go and I still feel the same I will try. IF I feel the same.

 

But why not just let me go?

 

Couple of possibilities:

 

a) He was obviously into you enough to date you solidly for 3 months. He genuinely needs to think things through. That's the thing about thinkers, they rarely make knee jerk rush decisions. Especially when it comes to something as important as breaking up.

 

b) It's over but he couldn't really bring himself to tell you and hurt you even more that evening. He is trying to soften the blow of a break up.

[SarcasticBlonde]

Couple of possibilities:

 

a) He was obviously into you enough to date you solidly for 3 months. He genuinely needs to think things through. That's the thing about thinkers, they rarely make knee jerk rush decisions. Especially when it comes to something as important as breaking up.

 

b) It's over but he couldn't really bring himself to tell you and hurt you even more that evening. He is trying to soften the blow of a break up.

 

I made it very easy for him to let me go last night.

And if he is trying to soften it than maybe I should do it for him. Cause I would rather he just do it now.

I have had thoughts of telling him that its for the best the last few hours. Just to take us both out of this misery.

[Ms. Joolie]

I would give him space until Sunday before re-evaluating the urge to contact him. This will give him time to clear up his head and consider things. Besides, I would be curious to see what he does with this 'break' or whatever he thinks it is.

 

I know you are super anxious, but I would just wait and see what he initiates. There's nothing else to do but wait for him or call and shoot down all chances.

[SarcasticBlonde]

I would give him space until Sunday before re-evaluating the urge to contact him. This will give him time to clear up his head and consider things. Besides, I would be curious to see what he does with this 'break' or whatever he thinks it is.

 

I know you are super anxious, but I would just wait and see what he initiates. There's nothing else to do but wait for him or call and shoot down all chances.

 

I wouldn't contact him for any other reason than to let it go. I think Sunday is being generous

[Knittress]

I wanted to second the advice about finding a Feeler-type. A guy like that will be able to 'get' you, your moods, and intentions and you won't have to worry that your expressiveness is going to be judged as irrational by someone who doesn't really have much emotional range themselves. I dated a Thinker once, and while I was impressed with his brain I always had to tamp down on my feelings in order to avoid overwhelming him. He was a horrible cold-fish, but for some reason I thought this way MY problem.

 

Feelers aren't any less intelligent or manly, they just prioritize human relationships more than Thinkers. This is hot.

[OceanGirl]

I made it very easy for him to let me go last night.

And if he is trying to soften it than maybe I should do it for him. Cause I would rather he just do it now.

I have had thoughts of telling him that its for the best the last few hours. Just to take us both out of this misery.

 

I hope you don't do this. Again, your emotions are taking over and deep down you are probably hoping that this will get a reaction out of him. Sort of like "Please don't break up". In reality, it will only make you seem more emotionally volatile. I have done things like that in the past only to regret them and try to "undo" them few days later. This only creates a bigger mess

 

You don't really want to break up. So please don't.

[OceanGirl]

I wanted to second the advice about finding a Feeler-type. A guy like that will be able to 'get' you, your moods, and intentions and you won't have to worry that your expressiveness is going to be judged as irrational by someone who doesn't really have much emotional range themselves. I dated a Thinker once, and while I was impressed with his brain I always had to tamp down on my feelings in order to avoid overwhelming him. He was a horrible cold-fish, but for some reason I thought this way MY problem.

 

Feelers aren't any less intelligent or manly, they just prioritize human relationships more than Thinkers. This is hot.

 

Yes, I have discovered that romantic/feeler men meet my needs a lot better. They naturally desire lots of contact/quality time/affection and I am only too happy to give it. I always went for thinker types in the past and I was always left staring at my phone and longing for them to contact me/see me more. Thinkers also pretty much see any display of emotion as crazy.

[sunshinegirl]

Yes, I have discovered that romantic/feeler men meet my needs a lot better. They naturally desire lots of contact/quality time/affection and I am only too happy to give it. I always went for thinker types in the past and I was always left staring at my phone and longing for them to contact me/see me more. Thinkers also pretty much see any display of emotion as crazy.

 

Interesting angle...I have experienced something similar. The relationship I had that ended in 2008 was with an uber-thinker who wouldn't have known a feeling if it bit him on the arse. He admitted once that he was not empathetic -- as in, lacking the capacity to feel empathy. (Should I be surprised that he cheated on me?)

 

Today I am very happily married to a feeler who enjoys lots of contact/quality time/affection, and who is completely happy to discuss whether/how well we are meeting each others' needs. OP, it seems like you would find more fulfillment and compatibility with a guy like this.

 

Not that I'm suggesting you go find one tomorrow, but it may be helpful to start thinking about whether your engineer man is really the most compatible type of guy for you, and therefore whether you would even want him back if he showed up at your doorstep. (Not that you have control of that, and not that you should dwell on the chance of that happening!)

 

Three months in you experienced major strife and uncovered a significant mismatch in communication style and needs: should it be this hard this soon?

[SarcasticBlonde]

Interesting angle...I have experienced something similar. The relationship I had that ended in 2008 was with an uber-thinker who wouldn't have known a feeling if it bit him on the arse. He admitted once that he was not empathetic -- as in, lacking the capacity to feel empathy. (Should I be surprised that he cheated on me?)

 

Today I am very happily married to a feeler who enjoys lots of contact/quality time/affection, and who is completely happy to discuss whether/how well we are meeting each others' needs. OP, it seems like you would find more fulfillment and compatibility with a guy like this.

 

Not that I'm suggesting you go find one tomorrow, but it may be helpful to start thinking about whether your engineer man is really the most compatible type of guy for you, and therefore whether you would even want him back if he showed up at your doorstep. (Not that you have control of that, and not that you should dwell on the chance of that happening!)

 

Three months in you experienced major strife and uncovered a significant mismatch in communication style and needs: should it be this hard this soon?

 

No it shouldn't be this hard..but some things are worth fighting for. I'm not giving up yet..

[SarcasticBlonde]

I hope you don't do this. Again, your emotions are taking over and deep down you are probably hoping that this will get a reaction out of him. Sort of like "Please don't break up". In reality, it will only make you seem more emotionally volatile. I have done things like that in the past only to regret them and try to "undo" them few days later. This only creates a bigger mess

 

You don't really want to break up. So please don't.

 

No I don't want to...I'm just angry

[zengirl]

I wanted to second the advice about finding a Feeler-type. A guy like that will be able to 'get' you, your moods, and intentions and you won't have to worry that your expressiveness is going to be judged as irrational by someone who doesn't really have much emotional range themselves. I dated a Thinker once, and while I was impressed with his brain I always had to tamp down on my feelings in order to avoid overwhelming him. He was a horrible cold-fish, but for some reason I thought this way MY problem.

 

Feelers aren't any less intelligent or manly, they just prioritize human relationships more than Thinkers. This is hot.

 

I think y'all have Thinkers all wrong. I'd consider myself, and most of my friends, Thinkers, because we choose to process our emotions and create a plan/judgment, rather than have dramatic emotional outbursts or manipulations. I'd also say that I definitely have a vast range of emotions --- I just have developed tools to deal with them on my own, without requiring another person for my emotional well-being and processing --- and I value my relationships to an extreme. They are what I value most (not just romantic ones).

 

I think it's a manner of the way said feelings and priorities are expressed that varies.

 

Emotional outbursts ARE irrational (They are also human, and almost everyone will have one---it's the degree and amount that varies). That's why they're seen as irrational. They are generally deprived of mental clarity (one definition of irrational) and lacking in reason and causality (another definition). They rarely produced the desired result. Sure, some people handle them better than others. I can handle an emotional outburst just fine, if it's coming from an 8th grader, but if it's a grown person, I'm going to judge them as difficult, unless it has what I perceive to be good reason (i.e. A loved one just died, etc) for the freakout/outburst.

 

An extreme on either side -- feeling or thinking -- will be emotionally unhealthy, and balance will generally get you closer to happiness.

[depplover_1980]

Blonde, you have learnt nothing from this whole thread sadly. You still don't appreciate how he is different to you and that he requires time. Long term you will both fail without doubt. Sorry to say that to you.

[SarcasticBlonde]

Blonde, you have learnt nothing from this whole thread sadly. You still don't appreciate how he is different to you and that he requires time. Long term you will both fail without doubt. Sorry to say that to you.

 

Of course I know we are different. I'm still allowed to feel how I do even though I understand that. My brain understands. But my heart doesn't. It tells me that if he really cared he wouldnt need to take a lot of time. its something he would just know.

 

For me its an internal struggle. This whole thing has made me realize I was falling in love.

[SarcasticBlonde]

I think y'all have Thinkers all wrong. I'd consider myself, and most of my friends, Thinkers, because we choose to process our emotions and create a plan/judgment, rather than have dramatic emotional outbursts or manipulations. I'd also say that I definitely have a vast range of emotions --- I just have developed tools to deal with them on my own, without requiring another person for my emotional well-being and processing --- and I value my relationships to an extreme. They are what I value most (not just romantic ones).

 

I think it's a manner of the way said feelings and priorities are expressed that varies.

 

Emotional outbursts ARE irrational (They are also human, and almost everyone will have one---it's the degree and amount that varies). That's why they're seen as irrational. They are generally deprived of mental clarity (one definition of irrational) and lacking in reason and causality (another definition). They rarely produced the desired result. Sure, some people handle them better than others. I can handle an emotional outburst just fine, if it's coming from an 8th grader, but if it's a grown person, I'm going to judge them as difficult, unless it has what I perceive to be good reason (i.e. A loved one just died, etc) for the freakout/outburst.

 

An extreme on either side -- feeling or thinking -- will be emotionally unhealthy, and balance will generally get you closer to happiness.

 

The bottom line is everyone is different. I have many friends and family members that are with partners that are very different from them. If they try, it can work.

[depplover_1980]

Of course I know we are different. I'm still allowed to feel how I do even though I understand that. My brain understands. But my heart doesn't. It tells me that if he really cared he wouldnt need to take a lot of time. its something he would just know.

 

For me its an internal struggle. This whole thing has made me realize I was falling in love.

 

You just need to learn to get a hold on this 'heart' you speak of because it is possible to override it with the head. I think if you did fully understand his need for space you would actually be pleased he is taking the time to make the right decision for both of you.

 

In light of everything that has happened will you be happy to accept he can only see you 2 days a week now when you compare that to a break up and no days?

[OceanGirl]

The bottom line is everyone is different. I have many friends and family members that are with partners that are very different from them. If they try, it can work.

 

Yes and no. Many studies have shown that long term couples tend to be similar rather than different.

[zengirl]

Of course I know we are different. I'm still allowed to feel how I do even though I understand that. My brain understands. But my heart doesn't. It tells me that if he really cared he wouldnt need to take a lot of time. its something he would just know.

 

For me its an internal struggle. This whole thing has made me realize I was falling in love.

 

It sounds to me like you have the intellectual capacity to understand it (brain) but you don't like it (heart) and thus you have your issue: dissonance. You understand it; you just want him to be different. But he's not going to be different. He is what he is. Accept, or don't, but you're stuck in this limbo where you want to "accept" him but only if he changes and conforms to what you expect. Hence: dissonance and bad feelings that escalate.

 

The bottom line is everyone is different. I have many friends and family members that are with partners that are very different from them. If they try, it can work.

 

Of course, everyone is different. And sometimes it can work, sometimes it can't. I think you are on the extreme of feelers, from what this thread shows, whereas he is probably a thinker, but doesn't seem terribly extreme to me. Of course, I'm sure some feelers will disagree with me.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Of course I know we are different. I'm still allowed to feel how I do even though I understand that. My brain understands. But my heart doesn't. It tells me that if he really cared he wouldnt need to take a lot of time. its something he would just know.

 

I've read the whole thread. I don't know how this will play out in the end, but I suspect that it won't be how you'd like it, OP.

 

If I've understood the whole scene correctly, if you had been willing to give him a little bit of time at the beginning, maybe you would not be here now.

 

By "give time," I mean silently ... leaving someone alone to process what is going on between them and another person. In your case, that would have looked like you telling him what you felt your needs were regarding time spent together, then you listening to his side of it, then accepting the compromise (when he said he'd see you more) ... and then LEAVING IT ALONE to see how it worked and felt for you, for him and between you.

 

That time and space would be just as important for you as for him. Your own needs are important in a relationship, and if he were not able or willing to meet them, you'd probably be better off moving on.

 

Emotional space would have been necessary for each of you.

 

Instead, I think you poked and prodded at him until he felt cornered and wanted out. There was a "correct" response that you were looking for from him, and he was not going to hit on it.

 

There is a good chance that he was feeling happy and good about things between you, and was not ready for any of this drama at all. I don't know ... sometimes in this thread you have said that you thought he really was not that "into you," and other times it seems that you felt that you and he had a good relationship that was building.

 

The whole "thinky / feely" thing might be valid, but whether it is or not, I really think that your style of dealing with this was not in your best interest. I hope you have, in fact, learned something about yourself from this thread.

[SarcasticBlonde]

You just need to learn to get a hold on this 'heart' you speak of because it is possible to override it with the head. I think if you did fully understand his need for space you would actually be pleased he is taking the time to make the right decision for both of you.

 

In light of everything that has happened will you be happy to accept he can only see you 2 days a week now when you compare that to a break up and no days?

 

If this works the way I want it to, I think we would have to start off VERY slowly. Maybe once a week for awhile, to make sure it works. Looking back I thought I had a very active life. I'm in school full time, working, and go out with friends, so I didn't see 3x a week as much.

 

I'm not getting my hopes up. But I think that's how I would start.

[SarcasticBlonde]

I've read the whole thread. I don't know how this will play out in the end, but I suspect that it won't be how you'd like it, OP.

 

If I've understood the whole scene correctly, if you had been willing to give him a little bit of time at the beginning, maybe you would not be here now.

 

By "give time," I mean silently ... leaving someone alone to process what is going on between them and another person. In your case, that would have looked like you telling him what you felt your needs were regarding time spent together, then you listening to his side of it, then accepting the compromise (when he said he'd see you more) ... and then LEAVING IT ALONE to see how it worked and felt for you, for him and between you.

 

That time and space would be just as important for you as for him. Your own needs are important in a relationship, and if he were not able or willing to meet them, you'd probably be better off moving on.

 

Emotional space would have been necessary for each of you.

 

Instead, I think you poked and prodded at him until he felt cornered and wanted out. There was a "correct" response that you were looking for from him, and he was not going to hit on it.

 

There is a good chance that he was feeling happy and good about things between you, and was not ready for any of this drama at all. I don't know ... sometimes in this thread you have said that you thought he really was not that "into you," and other times it seems that you felt that you and he had a good relationship that was building.

 

The whole "thinky / feely" thing might be valid, but whether it is or not, I really think that your style of dealing with this was not in your best interest. I hope you have, in fact, learned something about yourself from this thread.

 

I'm not perfect but I have alot of great qualities that he liked about me before this happened. They are all still there. So if he can't move past this after all of the positive and wonderful things we have together, than thats on him.

 

I swear some of you people act like I cheated and than threw it in his face. Gimme a break.

[SarcasticBlonde]

Yes and no. Many studies have shown that long term couples tend to be similar rather than different.

 

 

ok.................

[depplover_1980]

Yes once a week would be good at first and just always appreciate the time you do spend together. Are you feeling stronger about it all today, you sound like you will be able to cope with any outcome better than you previously have sounded!!?

[Mme. Chaucer]

I told him that I wasn't going to change my mind aoout needing to see a man I'm in a relationship with more than twice a week and that and maybe we are looking for different things. That maybe it wasn't going to work out.

Towards the end of the convo I was in tears. He told me he doesn't want to end things and we would spend more than twice a week together. But it now feels forced and I kinda feel like I now know his feelings are not as strong for me as I thought.

 

This quote from your very first post just about says it all. This was an ultimatum you gave him, and you "won." That was the time to BACK OFF.

 

Listen, you could be Mother Theresa in the body of Angelina Jolie and that would not make your relationship style mesh well with somebody else's.

 

A lot of people have paid attention to your situation and tried to help; the majority are in some accord. That might be worth considering.

 

Be as defensive as you like, but I promise you that you will have much better outcomes in the future if you do your best to avoid all poking, emotional manipulation and drama. Or, carry on like this and see how well it serves you.

[Nexus One]

ok.................

 

That means you're going to have to read engineering books and become a cosmopolitan, blondie.

 

 

 

 

 

No, I'm just messing with you, because it's time to blow off some steam. Here, I'll post you the gayest song I could find you. Gay as in happy, damn you if you thought anything else. It's not (necessarily) my kind of music or a manly song for that matter, but that song will grow on you. In fact, someone please kill me right now, because that tune has taken over control in my head.

 

http://tinyurl.com/4f98wdf

Edited January 20, 2011 by Nexus One

[SarcasticBlonde]

This quote from your very first post just about says it all. This was an ultimatum you gave him, and you "won." That was the time to BACK OFF.

 

Listen, you could be Mother Theresa in the body of Angelina Jolie and that would not make your relationship style mesh well with somebody else's.

 

A lot of people have paid attention to your situation and tried to help; the majority are in some accord. That might be worth considering.

 

Be as defensive as you like, but I promise you that you will have much better outcomes in the future if you do your best to avoid all poking, emotional manipulation and drama. Or, carry on like this and see how well it serves you.

 

 

After that night, I did back off about the topic with him. We actually went out on Saturday night and had a great time. He spent the night and it wasn't brought up again. He than called me two days later and said he needed to think about things.