Does my boyfriends lack of enthusiasm to spend time with me = He's not that into me??

January 18, 2011

OP, my understanding is that your BF is ethnic Japanese who has spent most of his life (adult life?) in Great Britain before moving to the US for work. Also, you share this:

In totality, it is quite possible his cultural background and relationship history and perspective are pivotal in this apparent incompatibility, perhaps even beyond his dedication to job, work ethic, and specific relationship dynamic with you. Opinion?

OP, I'll bet the folks here who are being harsh with you are hard-driving, hard-working successful people. They understand your BF's perspective and identify with it. This exemplifies the wide range of relationship styles, as well as lifestyles, of people. If there is a lesson in this, it can be one of people-picking, as well as *how* one handles the challenges relationships thrown at them.

If you had to do it all over, what, if anything, would you do differently, accepting that this path is one path of many and is completely valid?

Yes Carhill you have his background correct. I know our cultural differences are a challenge and there would be obstacles to overcome.

If I could go back a few days and do anything different it would be not throwing the "if we don't spend more time together, this may not work' comment out there. I should have taken time to think about things before I got upset.

I hope we can salvage it.

January 18, 2011

So what I get from that is that it's rough, but you've got to express your needs. You want what you want. You two have to work together as adults. If it's going to last, you two have to build relationship.

I agree. If you tell him what you need from a relationship but he can't (or won't) meet those needs and ends up breaking up with you... is that really so bad? Wouldn't it be worse to continue on unhappily, not getting your needs met by him? Perhaps the two of you are just incompatible. It sucks when you really have feelings for the other person, but for a relationship to be successful you HAVE to be somewhat logical when considering whether or not you're truly compatible.

Also, I think you really need to take a look at your communication style. I do think that telling him not to call you that one night was playing games. If you wanted time to clear your head & think about things alone, you should have expressed that clearly. Saying "you don't need to call me tonight" sounds petty & like you were testing him because you wanted to see if he'd call anyway. Additionally, calling him at work to discuss a relationship issue is a HUUUGE no. And then the crying, threatening/suggesting a break-up... it's just way too much drama, especially after only three months. Basically I think you need to clearly state your needs (and I don't think you're being too clingy), and if he is not going to meet them, then ok. Move on to somebody who will!

January 18, 2011

I agree. If you tell him what you need from a relationship but he can't (or won't) meet those needs and ends up breaking up with you... is that really so bad? Wouldn't it be worse to continue on unhappily, not getting your needs met by him? Perhaps the two of you are just incompatible. It sucks when you really have feelings for the other person, but for a relationship to be successful you HAVE to be somewhat logical when considering whether or not you're truly compatible.

Also, I think you really need to take a look at your communication style. I do think that telling him not to call you that one night was playing games. If you wanted time to clear your head & think about things alone, you should have expressed that clearly. Saying "you don't need to call me tonight" sounds petty & like you were testing him because you wanted to see if he'd call anyway. Additionally, calling him at work to discuss a relationship issue is a HUUUGE no. And then the crying, threatening/suggesting a break-up... it's just way too much drama, especially after only three months. Basically I think you need to clearly state your needs (and I don't think you're being too clingy), and if he is not going to meet them, then ok. Move on to somebody who will!

I didn't call him, he called me FROM work. Maybe I was expecting too much. I felt very strongly before that I wasn't.

January 18, 2011

I'm sorry I don't see this as being a good thing. I'm not trying to be negative but now I feel like I'm going there tomorrow for him to end things.

And I don't mean to trample on your feelings by saying it's all good, because I know you are hurting.

January 18, 2011

It's entirely possible that you'll get there and talk things out. Be prepared for that possibility too. It'll be ok, regardless.

Amen to this.

January 18, 2011

I think it may be OK. You texted him that you don't want to lose him, and he stated "OK". So I think that is a good sign. When you talk, he is looking at it as he does want to work out.

If you are willing to understand he really cares about you, even though only seeing you twice a week is best, I think it could work out. The only other suggestion, would be, like before when I said, allow him to initiate getting together and get busy with other activities -friends, working out/other activities, making plans - so that you don't think so much about not seeing him more than twice a week.

I think this could work out.

If he does ask for space, like someone else said, don't argue, give it to him, and as difficult as it will be, don't contact him whatsoever until he contacts you.

January 18, 2011

I think I get it now... although I'm basing this post on the lowly assumption (albeit, the correct one) that you actually are the woman depicted as your avatar.

you're a beautiful girl. ever hear such a complement before? I'm sure you have, several hundred fold. your pattern is one I saw twice before when I dated these gorgeous ladies, one Peruvian, the other Asian.

they wanted their way and damn you if you didn't comply, after all they were beautiful, the proverbial cats meow; certainly if you weren't lining up to be their genie in a bottle, there would certainly be a hotter, more willing beau waiting in the wings for an opportunity to give you anything you needed, no matter the practical hindrance.

indeed, I'm convinced you're a class A hottie, and your usually successful passive aggressive tactics are for some odd reason failing this time and you can't seem to figure out why... WHEN WE'VE ALL BEEN TELLING YOU THIS WHOLE TIME!!

your demands are blatantly unreasonable, but you don't care, because the tactics you're so used to employing have very seldom failed you, I'd guess.

yes, i'm sarcastic, however, I am not a sadist, love; I'm a realist -- a compassionate one at that, and you know what else: my eyes are WIDE open. I see you.

I'm convinced you won't benefit from this thread at all for at least a few weeks after the dust has settled. I encourage you to review this entire thread then and learn a lesson brought to you by the powers that reside outside of your comfort zone.

I seriously mean it when I wish you good luck, OP.

the damage you've done however, is done (unless your bed play is stupendous). but this is just one guy. the lesson is worth much mire than one relationship if you're able to extract it and use it to benefit future romances.

again, all the best.

January 18, 2011

you're a beautiful girl.

they wanted their way and damn you if you didn't comply, after all they were beautiful, the proverbial cats meow; certainly if you weren't lining up to be their genie in a bottle, there would certainly be a hotter, more willing beau waiting in the wings for an opportunity to give you anything you needed, no matter the practical hindrance.

indeed, I'm convinced you're a class A hottie, and your usually successful passive aggressive tactics are for some odd reason failing this time and you can't seem to figure out why... WHEN WE'VE ALL BEEN TELLING YOU THIS WHOLE TIME!!

your demands are blatantly unreasonable, but you don't care, because the tactics you're so used to employing have very seldom failed you, I'd guess.

That's a giant leap you're making here, guy. That because she's beautiful, she's employing the tactics your described? Yikes a roo!!

January 18, 2011

I think I get it now... although I'm basing this post on the lowly assumption (albeit, the correct one) that you actually are the woman depicted as your avatar.

you're a beautiful girl. ever hear such a complement before? I'm sure you have, several hundred fold. your pattern is one I saw twice before when I dated these gorgeous ladies, one Peruvian, the other Asian.

they wanted their way and damn you if you didn't comply, after all they were beautiful, the proverbial cats meow; certainly if you weren't lining up to be their genie in a bottle, there would certainly be a hotter, more willing beau waiting in the wings for an opportunity to give you anything you needed, no matter the practical hindrance.

indeed, I'm convinced you're a class A hottie, and your usually successful passive aggressive tactics are for some odd reason failing this time and you can't seem to figure out why... WHEN WE'VE ALL BEEN TELLING YOU THIS WHOLE TIME!!

your demands are blatantly unreasonable, but you don't care, because the tactics you're so used to employing have very seldom failed you, I'd guess.

yes, i'm sarcastic, however, I am not a sadist, love; I'm a realist -- a compassionate one at that, and you know what else: my eyes are WIDE open. I see you.

I'm convinced you won't benefit from this thread at all for at least a few weeks after the dust has settled. I encourage you to review this entire thread then and learn a lesson brought to you by the powers that reside outside of your comfort zone.

I seriously mean it when I wish you good luck, OP.
the damage you've done however, is done (unless your bed play is stupendous). but this is just one guy. the lesson is worth much mire than one relationship if you're able to extract it and use it to benefit future romances.

again, all the best.

Conflicted - you have me all wrong. I'm not sure why you are so angry but please direct it elsewhere. Have a good night.

January 18, 2011

That's a giant leap you're making here, guy. That because she's beautiful, she's employing the tactics your described? Yikes a roo!!

As much as I disagree with his style and most of his previous posts, I have to agree with him on this point. Usually bratty women are very attractive (may or may not be the girl in the avatar) and throw around their weight with guys that they know would be hard put to find another girl like them any time soon.

It's power. And I think she wielded it a little.

Not that all attractive women are bratty. Just sayin..

January 18, 2011

I responded to his text saying " I want you to know I'm not looking for an immediate fix, when we speak tomorrow. I just would like for us to talk in person and than you and I can process everything. And do whatever we need to do in whatever time necessary. No pressure"

He than responded-

"I don't want to rush to a conclusion either. I think its more important for us to start this dialog in an effort to understand each other. :)"

January 18, 2011

As much as I disagree with his style and most of his previous posts, I have to agree with him on this point. Usually bratty women are very attractive (may or may not be the girl in the avatar) and throw around their weight with guys that they know would be hard put to find another girl like them any time soon.

It's power. And I think she wielded it a little.

Not that all attractive women are bratty. Just sayin..

Okay. The way I took it was that she was bratty because she was beautiful, suggesting that all attractive women are bratty.

January 18, 2011

As much as I disagree with his style and most of his previous posts, I have to agree with him on this point. Usually bratty women are very attractive (may or may not be the girl in the avatar) and throw around their weight with guys that they know would be hard put to find another girl like them any time soon.

It's power. And I think she wielded it a little.

Not that all attractive women are bratty. Just sayin..

I have never thought of myself as "beautiful". I think I'm ok and I have certainly never been put up on a pedestal by a man to think such thoughts. I actually have pretty low self esteem and just recently started working on feeling better about myself. So Conflicted is totally wrong on the kind of person I'am.

January 18, 2011

As much as I disagree with his style and most of his previous posts, I have to agree with him on this point. Usually bratty women are very attractive (may or may not be the girl in the avatar) and throw around their weight with guys that they know would be hard put to find another girl like them any time soon.

It's power. And I think she wielded it a little.

Not that all attractive women are bratty. Just sayin..

For me it really wasn't about power. I just wanted to believe I deserved a little more. For so long with other men I didn't think I did.

January 18, 2011

That's a giant leap you're making here, guy. That because she's beautiful, she's employing the tactics your described? Yikes a roo!!

perhaps, Star.

gotta admit, it fits though...

she offered feeling as though her 20's were spotted. tired of settling.

she's 30 now & knows what she deserves. she may be right; she may deserve better. however, I've seen these plays before. they're right out out the 25 year old hottie playbook.

sure, I could be wrong, Star. but what I throw out may click for someone in the future, perhaps even the OP's future self; therefore I'm comfortable offering it.

January 18, 2011

perhaps, Star.
gotta admit, it fits though...

she offered feeling as though her 20's were spotted. tired of settling.

she's 30 now & knows what she deserves. she may be right; she may deserve better. however, I've seen these plays before. they're right out out the 25 year old hottie playbook.

sure, I could be wrong, Star. but what I throw out may cluck for someone in the future, perhaps even the OP's future self; therefore I'm comfortable offering it.

you are wrong to make assumptions. and some of your assumptions were mean and insulting.

January 18, 2011

perhaps, Star.
gotta admit, it fits though...

she offered feeling as though her 20's were spotted. tired of settling.

she's 30 now & knows what she deserves. she may be right; she may deserve better. however, I've seen these plays before. they're right out out the 25 year old hottie playbook.

sure, I could be wrong, Star. but what I throw out may click for someone in the future, perhaps even the OP's future self; therefore I'm comfortable offering it.

Before I go further, I'd like to understand what you're saying because I'm having difficulty digesting it.

Are you saying that beautiful women are bratty? Or that bratty women are beautiful?

January 18, 2011

I responded to his text saying " I want you to know I'm not looking for an immediate fix, when we speak tomorrow. I just would like for us to talk in person and than you and I can process everything. And do whatever we need to do in whatever time necessary. No pressure"

He than responded-

"I don't want to rush to a conclusion either. I think its more important for us to start this dialog in an effort to understand each other. :)"

Good news! Just stay even when you talk. Good luck.

January 18, 2011

Okay. The way I took it was that she was bratty because she was beautiful, suggesting that all attractive women are bratty.

On second read, I'm not so sure anymore!

January 18, 2011

Before I go further, I'd like to understand what you're saying because I'm having difficulty digesting it.

Are you saying that beautiful women are bratty? Or that bratty women are beautiful?

I think he has had bad luck with attractive women. That is why he is so nasty.

January 18, 2011

For me it really wasn't about power. I just wanted to believe I deserved a little more. For so long with other men I didn't think I did.

Blonde,

I don't mean to be unkind but your actions don't match what you're saying here. When little kids throw tantrums, they perceive they have power and they wield it to find out just how much. Some of your behavior was a little reminiscent of that. That's not someone who feels they have no power. That would be someone who would say nothing at all.

I'm not saying this from a bitter male perspective. I'm saying this from the perspective of someone who did some of the things you did that brought me to Loveshack to begin with. I met a guy (a messed up one at that) who, for the first time, wouldn't put up with my brattiness. I wouldn't ever want the guy back but it has been a learning experience.

January 18, 2011

Blonde,

I don't mean to be unkind but your actions don't match what you're saying here. When little kids throw tantrums, they perceive they have power and they wield it to find out just how much. Some of your behavior was a little reminiscent of that. That's not someone who feels they have no power. That would be someone who would say nothing at all.

I'm not saying this from a bitter male perspective. I'm saying this from the perspective of someone who did some of the things you did that brought me to Loveshack to begin with. I met a guy (a messed up one at that) who, for the first time, wouldn't put up with my brattiness. I wouldn't ever want the guy back but it has been a learning experience.

I really didn't look at it in that way. My past with men show proof of that. I really thought he cared about me enough to give me what I was asking. Thats all.

January 18, 2011

OP, if this is a new boundary for you, accept that it comes with a bit of barbed wire and some mud in the moat. It's not perfect; you're not perfect; he's not perfect. Take this and learn from it. Part of exercising boundaries is accepting the consequences and dealing with them. If, contrary to one potential offered by your title, he *is* into you, as much as you appear to be into him, I think you'll work through this. If not, then you'll learn something from the boundary and how you exercised it which will help you in the next relationship.

January 18, 2011

OP, if this is a new boundary for you, accept that it comes with a bit of barbed wire and some mud in the moat. It's not perfect; you're not perfect; he's not perfect. Take this and learn from it. Part of exercising boundaries is accepting the consequences and dealing with them. If, contrary to one potential offered by your title, he *is* into you, as much as you appear to be into him, I think you'll work through this. If not, then you'll learn something from the boundary and how you exercised it which will help you in the next relationship.

Carhill thank you for the kind words.

January 18, 2011

I responded to his text saying " I want you to know I'm not looking for an immediate fix, when we speak tomorrow. I just would like for us to talk in person and than you and I can process everything. And do whatever we need to do in whatever time necessary. No pressure"

He than responded-

"I don't want to rush to a conclusion either. I think its more important for us to start this dialog in an effort to understand each other. :)"

Wonderful! Wishing you the best in your conversation with him tomorrow! Don't be petty, be great.

....Gosh, I can sound so wierd on these forums. I mean to say, let go of being upset and make the most of life.

Edited January 18, 2011 by Ms. Joolie

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