Mad Max Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I don't actually agree. I don't think it is right to judge people on their past. Yet I think it is just in my nature to be difficult. Yeah I guess I can see why someone will ask. This , :-) I do. The best way to predict future behavior is past behavior.
hydorclops Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 Originally Posted by Sw3etdev1L I ask these questions because, I think... past belongs to your past... and as a woman, you are also able to have things of your own.. Omitting, I don't think is lying... I told him I had a few, but nobody had never asked me those questions before.. I agree and sympathize. I even think its OK that you lied. I wouldn't ask that ever of anyone. And I'd deserve to be lied to if I did. Just one more opinion for you.
carhill Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I trust my past EA would be of marked interest to a woman assessing me for a LTR. Men have their own criteria. It is what it is. Like MadMax said, past behavior is a great indicator of future behavior. Disclosure and transparency helps put the past behaviors within perspective of current behaviors and facilitates communication, an important factor in a successful LTR. Up to the OP what kind of communication style she prefers. Good luck
Nexus One Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I don't fear it. I would have been disappointed to lose my partner on those grounds. But I know that if he hadn't gotten over it, we wouldn't have been compatible, so better finding out sooner rather than later. Like I mentioned before, we're probing for your ability to have a serious relationship. We're trying to imagine a future with the woman in question. So if a woman responds with the following answers: - Silence. (will result in red flags and sirens) - It's none of your business. (will result in red flags and sirens. I had to laugh at this one, because it could end a relationship faster than the speed of light.) - Saying that the past doesn't matter. (will result in red flags and sirens) - Not mentioning a number. Like saying "a few". (will result in red flags and sirens) - Lying. (If he finds out by himself that could potentially end a relationship on the spot) Some of the upper responses were opted by women in this thread. None of these responses are truthful and are actually blocking us from information that we need to come to a conclusion. What many women don't seem to get is that we want to know for sure that you will not fall back in your old patterns if you have any, that way we can advance the relationship and sail into the future with you. None of the responses above will accomplish that. If a woman slept around a lot in the past and she is really serious about the guy she's with and she doesn't intend to cheat on him, then the best thing she can do is be honest and convince him that she broke with old patterns. That would really need to be communicated clearly, because even though men are simple beings when it comes to women, they do have the ability to calculate ahead. Don't get me wrong, these things don't have to be a deal breaker for every man out there. Some guys simply might not care, although in that case they probably wouldn't ask either. Others might swallow it and hope for the best. But for men who are looking for a meaningful relationship and who don't like to play games (and most men don't) a wrong response could be a deal breaker, because they will question your actual ability to be loyal in a serious relationship. If as a woman you are capable of an honest and serious relationship and really want to be with the man that you are currently with, then the last thing you want to do is plant the idea in his head that you are not capable of being loyal. And the responses above will accomplish exactly that.
denise_xo Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 Like I mentioned before, we're probing for your ability to have a serious relationship. We're trying to imagine a future with the woman in question. So if a woman responds with the following answers: - Silence. (will result in red flags and sirens) - It's none of your business. (will result in red flags and sirens. I had to laugh at this one, because it could end a relationship faster than the speed of light.) - Saying that the past doesn't matter. (will result in red flags and sirens) - Not mentioning a number. Like saying "a few". (will result in red flags and sirens) - Lying. (If he finds out by himself that could potentially end a relationship on the spot) Some of the upper responses were opted by women in this thread. None of these responses are truthful and are actually blocking us from information that we need to come to a conclusion. What many women don't seem to get is that we want to know for sure that you will not fall back in your old patterns if you have any, that way we can advance the relationship and sail into the future with you. None of the responses above will accomplish that. If a woman slept around a lot in the past and she is really serious about the guy she's with and she doesn't intend to cheat on him, then the best thing she can do is be honest and convince him that she broke with old patterns. That would really need to be communicated clearly, because even though men are simple beings when it comes to women, they do have the ability to calculate ahead. Don't get me wrong, these things don't have to be a deal breaker for every man out there. Some guys simply might not care, although in that case they probably wouldn't ask either. Others might swallow it and hope for the best. But for men who are looking for a meaningful relationship and who don't like to play games (and most men don't) a wrong response could be a deal breaker, because they will question your actual ability to be loyal in a serious relationship. If as a woman you are capable of an honest and serious relationship and really want to be with the man that you are currently with, then the last thing you want to do is plant the idea in his head that you are not capable of being loyal. And the responses above will accomplish exactly that. Agreed. That's why I advocated honesty in my first post in this thread. I still don't fear the question, though
Mad Max Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 People that sleep around have issues and lack integrity and character. Some use the saying "I was in a bad place". I was in bad places myself, but I never slept around or any other activity that put my health and the well being of others at risk to fill a void. Promiscuous women more often than not don't make good partners. This can be confirmed by a good number of male posters here. The fact is when looking at a prior promiscuous women, a man says to himself "What kind of values is she going to teach our children?" Not all women have promiscous pasts and most don't. But for the ones that do, you need to realize a few things: 1)Your past promiscouity will be held against you, 2)You will be held accountable for your actions, and 3)If a guy does end a relationship with you because of it, don't blame him. Guys don't need to ask how many partners a woman has been with because it will come out at some point. Prior promiscuous behavior will come out. It almost always does. Ladies, if you want to avoid this problem, simply limit sex to committed relationships. Believe me, you will avoid a lot of problems by following that small piece of advice.
Stockalone Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 Why are you guys so curious about our sexual past...some of you can get over it, and some of you don't.. so, why even ask?... and not respect the boundary.? If you don't want to answer questions like this, then your answer should be: "That's none of your business.". "Go to hell!" would also be acceptable as far as I am concerned. I didn't want him to be hurt by my past actions, my past party times... Are you serious? I have heard that one before, but it never ceases to amaze (and terrify) me. I think your reaction (lying to him) shows that you have either no respect for yourself or for him (probably both). You basically took away his right to live his life by his own standards. You should be ashamed of yourself.
dispatch3d Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I don't dwell on things that happen in the past, so if some girl came to me and started talking about who I slept with blablabla I'd be pretty uncomfortable and try to just avoid the subject. Not because the information is neither good nor bad, but just because I prefer to not think in that manner.
Knittress Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I would be SO turned off by this line of questioning that it wouldn't really matter to me what the guy thought of me. I'm only mentally compatible with open-minded and laidback types, and a guy that cares overmuch about my sexual history is neither. That's not to say this sort of conversation doesn't naturally come up in a relationship, but I think it's more revealing to note HOW a person talks about their past than what they actually did.
denise_xo Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 People that sleep around have issues and lack integrity and character. Some use the saying "I was in a bad place". I was in bad places myself, but I never slept around or any other activity that put my health and the well being of others at risk to fill a void. Promiscuous women more often than not don't make good partners. This can be confirmed by a good number of male posters here. The fact is when looking at a prior promiscuous women, a man says to himself "What kind of values is she going to teach our children?" Not all women have promiscous pasts and most don't. But for the ones that do, you need to realize a few things: 1)Your past promiscouity will be held against you, 2)You will be held accountable for your actions, and 3)If a guy does end a relationship with you because of it, don't blame him. Guys don't need to ask how many partners a woman has been with because it will come out at some point. Prior promiscuous behavior will come out. It almost always does. Ladies, if you want to avoid this problem, simply limit sex to committed relationships. Believe me, you will avoid a lot of problems by following that small piece of advice. Well, many people also don't constitute the 'problem' in this way. People live their lives in different ways, and some people are not compatible because of that. I wouldn't blame a man who didn't want to be with me due to my sexual history. But then I wouldn't want a man with that mind set, either. Different strokes for different folks. So what one "needs to realise" here depends on how these issues are framed at large. I'd be a bit less categorical, if I were you.
Nexus One Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 But then I wouldn't want a man with that mind set, either. Different strokes for different folks. You're missing the point. Men want to know if you have broken with that past pattern/behavior if you have any. We know that it's not right to hold a woman responsible for her past adventures, but we do use those questions to understand past patterns so that we can try to establish if you broke that pattern. We need to know if women are serious and at least capable of loyalty before we commit fully. We do not want to end up with the wrong partner. Women that say they're not compatible with such men are in effect saying they are incompatible with men who care if their partner will be loyal or not. I've yet to find the first serious guy that doesn't care about that. It's a paradox, a contradiction.
denise_xo Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 You're missing the point. Men want to know if you have broken with that past pattern/behavior if you have any. We know that it's not right to hold a woman responsible for her past adventures, but we do use those questions to understand past patterns so that we can try to establish if you broke that pattern. We need to know if women are serious and at least capable of loyalty before we commit fully. We do not want to end up with the wrong partner. Women that say they're not compatible with such men are in effect saying they are incompatible with men who care if their partner will be loyal or not. I've yet to find the first serious guy that doesn't care about that. It's a paradox, a contradiction. No, I don't think I'm missing anything. We all apply a range of criteria to find the right partner. Not all include 'how many times did you sleep with a man/woman on the first date' high on that list. That's an empirical fact.
Author Sw3etdev1L Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 (edited) Truth is, the question I mean... is just not fair. Did you sleep with a person one night , the first time you met him? My mother had cancer, I needed antidepressives and a anticonvulsive.... I didn''t start drinking alcohol until I was 21. I slept with 4 people in my life. One was my boyfriend, other was one friend of mine I knew since I was in highschool, the other one I did sleep with him the first night I met him. I thought I would never do that, My morals were to high, my judging system was too hard on me and everybody else... and the thing is... I liked him, we had a great time, and after that day he kept on talking to me and being my friend for a year and a half. He still speaks to me , and likes me and feels something for me, though I don't want to be with that person anymore... The night I met him was fantastic, I drank, he drank, things happened.. I wanted to be with him while I was having fun, only with him, but I was loyal to that person even if he was not my boyfriend. So, why should my boyfriend think... doing that is wrong... When I know I am not promiscuous, I am 26.. have been with 4. My boyfriend is 30 and lost his virginity at 13... I think he might be just being unfair with me by asking me those questions. I took antidepressives, my mother died, and I am taking anticonvulsives... Now I am healthy and maybe in another situation I would not have done what I did, of sleeping with that person that night, and rather just get to know him and keep the relatioship flowing... but I didn't.. in that position I was ill minded.. Now I am not... now I am fine. So that's Mad Max why, it's not fair to judge people from their past... because people change, grow and become different. Either better, either the same, or to the wrong side I don't know.. But that is why you need to know from the present.. and not base yourself in past analysis Edited January 17, 2011 by Sw3etdev1L
Nexus One Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 We all apply a range of criteria to find the right partner. Not all include 'how many times did you sleep with a man/woman on the first date' high on that list. That was not what I was saying in my previous reply AT ALL.
Mad Max Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Well, many people also don't constitute the 'problem' in this way. People live their lives in different ways, and some people are not compatible because of that. I wouldn't blame a man who didn't want to be with me due to my sexual history. But then I wouldn't want a man with that mind set, either. Different strokes for different folks. So what one "needs to realise" here depends on how these issues are framed at large. I'd be a bit less categorical, if I were you. So that's Mad Max why, it's not fair to judge people from their past... because people change, grow and become different. Either better, either the same, or to the wrong side I don't know.. But that is why you need to know from the present.. and not base yourself in past analysis. It's funny that it's usually women that say stuff like that. Usually, it's because they have something to hide and they want to erase those past memories. Sorry, but it doesn't work that way.
denise_xo Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 It's funny that it's usually women that say stuff like that. Usually, it's because they have something to hide and they want to erase those past memories. Sorry, but it doesn't work that way. I have nothing to hide and feel no need to erase past memories whatsoever. On what basis are you making that assumption?
denise_xo Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 That was not what I was saying in my previous reply AT ALL. I know. MY point is that not all people operate according to the logic you outline in your post.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Next time, look him straight in the eyes and tell the truth. If he can't deal with it, it's his problem. Correct Response! Next time, look him straight in the eye and tell him it's none of his business. Incorrect. This shows insecurity and an inability to be honest, intimate, or vulnerable. If you can't trust the guy not to judge you... then you should not be dating him. Can someone please explain to me why guy or girls even want to know the answer to this question... Anyway tell him - if he wants to know so bad. Past behavior is an indicator of future behavior. Duh. I personally don't feel that it's any of their business. I would be with them now, and that's all that matters. If a girl asked me that question, I wouldn't answer it. And you shouldn't have to answer it, either. It's insecure people that ask that question. Wrong. If you break up with a guy that gave you HIV... the HIV doesn't stay in the past. Same with any emotional issues and other such stuff that comes from past behavior. It's insecure people who wont answer or lie about it. I ask these questions because, I think... past belongs to your past... and as a woman, you are also able to have things of your own.. Omitting, I don't think is lying... I told him I had a few, but nobody had never asked me those questions before.. I read once in a book, that in relationships.. tv, merchandise and stuff teaches us that good relationships are open, honest and until some point codependent relationships... but, that good relationships don't have to be limitless, that you can still set some boundaries of respect. I decide, if he is gonna know or not who, how many and stuff... I want hiim to get to know me, now. I woudldn't want to give him some reference of the past of the type of relationship he can be able to have in the present due to that old reference.. I mean, when something in our kitchen gets old, we through it away to the garbage and that's it.. then we buy another fresh and that's it... my memories are just memories which have made me grow as a person.. So I think it would be unfair to take my past memories as a reference of the actual relationship he can be getting into. Omitting is a lie. Yes, that makes you a liar. Do you want to be in a relationship with a lair? Memories are not disposable... we are shaped and defined by our past actions.
East7 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Not all women have promiscous pasts and most don't. But for the ones that do, you need to realize a few things: 1)Your past promiscouity will be held against you, 2)You will be held accountable for your actions, and 3)If a guy does end a relationship with you because of it, don't blame him. Guys don't need to ask how many partners a woman has been with because it will come out at some point. Prior promiscuous behavior will come out. It almost always does. Ladies, if you want to avoid this problem, simply limit sex to committed relationships. Believe me, you will avoid a lot of problems by following that small piece of advice. Madmax, you are way too rigid mate. If you are too judgemental, some women probably will not even want to be with you. It depends on people's values and limits of tolerance, even if personally I wouldn't want a GF who had 30 men in her past, I can tolerate a GF who had 1 or 2 ONS, it just happens to anyone. If that woman genuinely loves me, wants to commit and build a good relationship, I don't mind her sexual past. Truth is, the question I mean... is just not fair. Did you sleep with a person one night , the first time you met him? My mother had cancer, I needed antidepressives and a anticonvulsive.... I didn''t start drinking alcohol until I was 21. I slept with 4 people in my life. One was my boyfriend, other was one friend of mine I knew since I was in highschool, the other one I did sleep with him the first night I met him. I thought I would never do that, My morals were to high, my judging system was too hard on me and everybody else... and the thing is... I liked him, we had a great time, and after that day he kept on talking to me and being my friend for a year and a half. He still speaks to me , and likes me and feels something for me, though I don't want to be with that person anymore... The night I met him was fantastic, I drank, he drank, things happened.. I wanted to be with him while I was having fun, only with him, but I was loyal to that person even if he was not my boyfriend. So, why should my boyfriend think... doing that is wrong... When I know I am not promiscuous, I am 26.. have been with 4. My boyfriend is 30 and lost his virginity at 13... I think he might be just being unfair with me by asking me those questions. So that's Mad Max why, it's not fair to judge people from their past... because people change, grow and become different. Either better, either the same, or to the wrong side I don't know.. But that is why you need to know from the present.. and not base yourself in past analysis Sw3etdev1L, you don't have to feel guilty. Your BF either is insecure or has unhealthy curiosity, or is immature. Or worse, he is not serious about your relatiosnhip and is trying to make fun with your past. Talking about past sexual experiences has never been a healthy or positive conversation in my eyes. It is uncomfortable and not relevant to the current relationship. Why would I want to know how my GF has screwed with other guys in the past?
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Truth is, the question I mean... is just not fair. Did you sleep with a person one night , the first time you met him? My mother had cancer, I needed antidepressives and a anticonvulsive.... I didn''t start drinking alcohol until I was 21. I slept with 4 people in my life. One was my boyfriend, other was one friend of mine I knew since I was in highschool, The past is something you need to accept. If you feel ashamed about it then you are not in a good place. the other one I did sleep with him the first night I met him. I thought I would never do that, My morals were to high, my judging system was too hard on me and everybody else... and the thing is... I liked him, we had a great time, and after that day he kept on talking to me and being my friend for a year and a half. He still speaks to me , and likes me and feels something for me, though I don't want to be with that person anymore... A couple key points here. You slept with a guy with little to no emotional attachment from either side... on the first day you met him. At the time you felt this action was against your moral standards. So... if you are married and at a business conference having a drink... meet a guy for the first time, it would not be out of the box for you to cheat? That said... I won't get bothered unless I find lots of First Date Sex type activity. I've found that there are two types of people you can trust. The first who never make these types of choices, and those who have once and didn't like the results. The night I met him was fantastic, I drank, he drank, things happened.. I wanted to be with him while I was having fun, only with him, but I was loyal to that person even if he was not my boyfriend. So, why should my boyfriend think... doing that is wrong... When I know I am not promiscuous, I am 26.. have been with 4. I would say very few men would judge you harshly for your past. That is of course IF you are being honest with everyone here. My boyfriend is 30 and lost his virginity at 13... I think he might be just being unfair with me by asking me those questions. I took antidepressives, my mother died, and I am taking anticonvulsives... Now I am healthy and maybe in another situation I would not have done what I did, of sleeping with that person that night, and rather just get to know him and keep the relatioship flowing... but I didn't.. in that position I was ill minded.. Now I am not... now I am fine. So that's Mad Max why, it's not fair to judge people from their past... because people change, grow and become different. Either better, either the same, or to the wrong side I don't know.. But that is why you need to know from the present.. and not base yourself in past analysis Everyone gets the right to choose who they marry. If you try to trick or deceive a man or woman into marriage that is wrong. He needs to accept you as you are, or walk.
East7 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I would like to add : Men are proud to collection ONSs and FDS (First-date-sex), it bursts their Ego, they enjoy meeting "easy women", but when it comes to their GF, they have zero tolerance. Why a women who had 2-3 ONS/FDS is a wh0re, a potential cheater, a potential bad mother/wife ? A woman may have a couple of ONS/FDS in her past 10-20 years of life because she may feel sexually attracted just like a man can be attracted to another woman without necessarily developing feelings or wanting a LTR. Not to forget she was single when she had this experiences. That doesn't mean she will be a cheater.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I would like to add : Men are proud to collection ONSs and FDS (First-date-sex), it bursts their Ego, they enjoy meeting "easy women", but when it comes to their GF, they have zero tolerance. Why a women who had 2-3 ONS/FDS is a wh0re, a potential cheater, a potential bad mother/wife ? A woman may have a couple of ONS/FDS in her past 10-20 years of life because she may feel sexually attracted just like a man can be attracted to another woman without necessarily developing feelings or wanting a LTR. Not to forget she was single when she had this experiences. That doesn't mean she will be a cheater. Guys who are into ONS's like girls who are into ONS's. Guys that don't like that are also into women who don't like ONS's. What is so offensive about that idea? Besides... even if it is a double standard for some guys... tough. Guys have a ton of double standards to put up with too... maybe even more. At least you could potentially avoid the issue entirely by not acting like a street walker.
East7 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Guys who are into ONS's like girls who are into ONS's. Guys that don't like that are also into women who don't like ONS's. What is so offensive about that idea? Come on.. Let's suppose you are single, haven't had sex for a while, you meet a girl at a bar, and you both get horny at some point and she invites you for a "drink at her place", will you refuse ?. It doesn't mean you are both into ONSs, it objectively can happen, it doesn't make you invaluable/immoral people. People may have strong boundaries and yet break them depending on the context. Sorry for going out of the main Topic.
hydorclops Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Some posters here have just completely made up this idea of full disclosure. Seriously, has anyone ever disclosed all their past mistakes and failures? Who would spend hours telling anyone all the bad things they've done? Don't forget all the bad things you've thought. I think people are entitled to their privacy. It might be embarrassing or shameful, but it might also just be personal. Especially sex stuff. If your SO is gone, should you describe in detail what you did together to a third party? Really?
Stockalone Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 (edited) I would be SO turned off by this line of questioning that it wouldn't really matter to me what the guy thought of me. I'm only mentally compatible with open-minded and laidback types, and a guy that cares overmuch about my sexual history is neither. That's not to say this sort of conversation doesn't naturally come up in a relationship, but I think it's more revealing to note HOW a person talks about their past than what they actually did. If the OP doesn't want to be with a guy who would judge her, that's understandable. However, if that is the case, shouldn't she be breaking up with him instead of lying to him? Madmax, you are way too rigid mate. If you are too judgemental, some women probably will not even want to be with you. I don't know about Madmax, but I don't mind if women don't want to be with me because they think I am too judgemental. It depends on people's values and limits of tolerance I agree. And that is the reason why I believe she has no right to lie to him about her past. She can tell him that it's one of his business, but lying is unacceptable. Sw3etdev1L, you don't have to feel guilty. Your BF either is insecure or has unhealthy curiosity, or is immature. Or worse, he is not serious about your relatiosnhip and is trying to make fun with your past. That's a possibilty. Still, if he thinks casual sex is a dealbreaker, why shouldn't he be allowed to feel that way? You said it yourself, this is about people's values. Yet at the same time, you don't believe that she did anything wrong. Do you think that her BF's values are not relevant? I really think this is dangerous territory. If she doesn't respect what he believes in, what else is she willing to lie about? Talking about past sexual experiences has never been a healthy or positive conversation in my eyes. It is uncomfortable and not relevant to the current relationship. I disagree. If it is about values, it is relevant. I would like to add : Men are proud to collection ONSs and FDS (First-date-sex), it bursts their Ego, they enjoy meeting "easy women", but when it comes to their GF, they have zero tolerance. Why a women who had 2-3 ONS/FDS is a wh0re, a potential cheater, a potential bad mother/wife ? Not all men are after casual sex. I am not and I don't want to date women who are okay with casual sex. But that's not the point. Look at how the OP reacted to his questions. She has already shown that she is willing to lie to his face. She decided what he should and shouldn't know and you are supporting her decision. I am not saying she will cheat on him, but cheaters use the same rationale. "What they don't know won't hurt them", etc. A woman may have a couple of ONS/FDS in her past 10-20 years of life because she may feel sexually attracted just like a man can be attracted to another woman without necessarily developing feelings or wanting a LTR. Not to forget she was single when she had this experiences. That doesn't mean she will be a cheater. She shouldn't have to be ashamed of her past. But at the same time, she should respect her BF. If he thinks it's important enough to ask, I think the very least she owes him is not to lie to him. If he won't accept her past, then they both are better off without the other. Come on.. Let's suppose you are single, haven't had sex for a while, you meet a girl at a bar, and you both get horny at some point and she invites you for a "drink at her place", will you refuse ? I have refused casual sex, because to me, women who are okay with having casual sex are a turn off. Edited January 17, 2011 by Stockalone
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