Uncomffortable questions

My boyfriend asked me the other day..

-how many guys were you with sexually, before me?... I didn't answer, just said an approximate.

-he asked me if I had been with a guy sexually the first date... I told him no, I lied to him... I felt so bad about it. Bad that I lied and bad because he said something like, I wouldn't be boyfriend of a girl who has sex for the first date... so I said no.. I didn't want him to be hurt by my past actions, my past party times... why???

-He asked me who ehre they, I didn't say a word.

Why are you guys so curious about our sexual past...some of you can get over it, and some of you don't.. so, why even ask?... and not respect the boundary.?

Next time, look him straight in the eyes and tell the truth. If he can't deal with it, it's his problem.

Next time, look him straight in the eye and tell him it's none of his business.

I actually think it's a partner's business, provided the context is that one has dated for some time and the aim is a serious long term relationship. I'd be very hesitant getting involved with a man who would not discuss his past relationships with me. Jazzari, would you feel comfortable with that? I'm not talking all details/who they were, but I'd want to have a general idea about someone's relationship record (ETA: it would never occur to me, though, to frame it as the OP's bf did).

Can someone please explain to me why guy or girls even want to know the answer to this question...

Anyway tell him - if he wants to know so bad.

My boyfriend asked me the other day..

-how many guys were you with sexually, before me?... I didn't answer, just said an approximate.

-he asked me if I had been with a guy sexually the first date... I told him no, I lied to him... I felt so bad about it. Bad that I lied and bad because he said something like, I wouldn't be boyfriend of a girl who has sex for the first date... so I said no.. I didn't want him to be hurt by my past actions, my past party times... why???

-He asked me who ehre they, I didn't say a word.

 

Why are you guys so curious about our sexual past...some of you can get over it, and some of you don't.. so, why even ask?... and not respect the boundary.?

We are probing your ability to be in a serious relationship. Because past patterns are a good indicator for future behavior.

It might have been better that you told him the truth and said that you had your fun, but mentally matured and felt the biological need for something meaningful. If he now finds out you lied he could interpret that as the exact sign that he was looking for, namely the inability to be serious with him.

He wanted to know 2 things.

1. Should I be afraid of losing her, due to and based on her (past) behavior?

2. Is she worth pursuing further if the answer to question 1 is yes.

No, I wouldn't ask those questions. The only one that would concern me is that he wore protection.

I guess I would also want to be sure that any relationship in the past was well and truly over. I did ask my current SO about his divorce and how long its been, how his kids felt etc., just to be sure he was clear for a serious relationship. But how many women he slept with? How soon before he jumped into the sack with them? No, I don't care and really don't want to know.

Can someone please explain to me why guy or girls even want to know the answer to this question...

I think there are very different approaches to this. There is the one that Nexus One outlines, which is similar to the OP's bf, I think. The general line of inquiry there is 'is she promiscuous' - if yes, she is not relationship material.

I come at it from very different angle, for me it's wanting to get to know a person and his history. Relationships are a big part of life, so I'd want to know a bit about how that person has been in that dimension of his life, and how he reflects upon it. Not exact numbers and no 'promiscuity test' - but what kind of intimate relationships people have engaged in and their thoughts around that.

My current partner did the 'how many men have you slept with' interrogation with me and didn't like the answer he got. I'd rather have that conversation early on, because I'm not compatible with men who can't get over the fact that I've had several sexual partners and had sex on the first night. It's a good screener for incompatibility. My partner eventually decided to 'get over it' - but as I told him pretty clearly, that 'getting over it' is primarily his job and not mine.

I personally don't feel that it's any of their business. I would be with them now, and that's all that matters.

If a girl asked me that question, I wouldn't answer it. And you shouldn't have to answer it, either.

It's insecure people that ask that question.

No, I wouldn't ask those questions. The only one that would concern me is that he wore protection.

 

I guess I would also want to be sure that any relationship in the past was well and truly over. I did ask my current SO about his divorce and how long its been, how his kids felt etc., just to be sure he was clear for a serious relationship. But how many women he slept with? How soon before he jumped into the sack with them? No, I don't care and really don't want to know.

Ok, I see. Yeah, I would never phrase it like the OP's bf did, so maybe my comments are actually a bit off topic I'm realising now.

Thanks for the hug smilie link in your other post btw!

Next time, look him straight in the eye and tell him it's none of his business.

Agreed. While a person may disclose if they choose, they are not under the obligation to do so.

Being curious about a partner's prior relationships in general is one thing; repeatedly questioning someone about their sexual background suggests other motives. His attitude isn't conducive to a healthy environment where someone would feel comfortable discussing sex or anything else.

Personally, I'd be concerned that he's going to use whatever answers you give him against you. That is besides the apparent lack of compatibility in viewpoints.

Next time, look him straight in the eye and tell him it's none of his business.

I can tell you that there are a lot of guys out there that would start planning their exit strategy out of the relationship at the nanosecond you finished speaking out that line of text.

I can tell you that there are a lot of guys out there that would start planning their exit strategy out of the relationship at the nanosecond you finished speaking out that line of text.

But that's the whole point of the conversation from the outset - establishing (in)compatibility.

As far as I'm concerned, you're both equally guilty. Him for being insecure and you for lying to his face.

I ask these questions because, I think... past belongs to your past... and as a woman, you are also able to have things of your own.. Omitting, I don't think is lying... I told him I had a few, but nobody had never asked me those questions before..

I read once in a book, that in relationships.. tv, merchandise and stuff teaches us that good relationships are open, honest and until some point codependent relationships... but, that good relationships don't have to be limitless, that you can still set some boundaries of respect. I decide, if he is gonna know or not who, how many and stuff... I want hiim to get to know me, now. I woudldn't want to give him some reference of the past of the type of relationship he can be able to have in the present due to that old reference.. I mean, when something in our kitchen gets old, we through it away to the garbage and that's it.. then we buy another fresh and that's it... my memories are just memories which have made me grow as a person.. So I think it would be unfair to take my past memories as a reference of the actual relationship he can be getting into.

I ask these questions because, I think... past belongs to your past... and as a woman, you are also able to have things of your own.. Omitting, I don't think is lying... I told him I had a few, but nobody had never asked me those questions before..

I read once in a book, that in relationships.. tv, merchandise and stuff teaches us that good relationships are open, honest and until some point codependent relationships... but, that good relationships don't have to be limitless, that you can still set some boundaries of respect. I decide, if he is gonna know or not who, how many and stuff... I want hiim to get to know me, now. I woudldn't want to give him some reference of the past of the type of relationship he can be able to have in the present due to that old reference.. I mean, when something in our kitchen gets old, we through it away to the garbage and that's it.. then we buy another fresh and that's it... my memories are just memories which have made me grow as a person.. So I think it would be unfair to take my past memories as a reference of the actual relationship he can be getting into.

Tell that to employers and the justice system.

I am not saying someone shouldn't know their partners past. Especially in this situation . These two are probably already having sex. So he isn't asking for a religious reasons. I just don't see why someone would want to know. I can care less who my partner has been with in the past but that is just me .

Just remember lying so early in a relationship would only lead to bigger lies. I see no reason why you had to lie . No one should make you feel inferior, so what if he mentioned that he doesn't think a girl who has been sexual with a guy on a first date is girlfriend material.You need to tell him because sadly enough that can mean you two are not compatible and will find out more things about each other that may not be ideal.

Just remember lying so early in a relationship would only lead to bigger lies. I see no reason why you had to lie . No one should make you feel inferior, so what if he mentioned that he doesn't think a girl who has been sexual with a guy on a first date is girlfriend material.You need to tell him because sadly enough that can mean you two are not compatible and will find out more things about each other that may not be ideal.

I second this. It's up to the OP whether she will allow this to make her feel inferior or not.

I actually think women know exactly what it means when men ask these questions, therefor they fear it.

I don't believe in lying, but I also do not believe that it is anyone's business. If he wouldn't take that for an answer, I'd probably give a ridiculously high number.

I actually think women know exactly what it means when men ask these questions, therefor they fear it.

What exactly does it mean?

Are you a guy ? Why would you ask a women this question?

What exactly does it mean?

Are you a guy ? Why would you ask a women this question?

I'm a guy. Read my earlier reply on the previous page where I explain it.

I actually think women know exactly what it means when men ask these questions, therefor they fear it.

I don't fear it. I would have been disappointed to lose my partner on those grounds. But I know that if he hadn't gotten over it, we wouldn't have been compatible, so better finding out sooner rather than later.

I'm a guy. Read my earlier reply on the previous page where I explain it.

I don't actually agree. I don't think it is right to judge people on their past. Yet I think it is just in my nature to be difficult. Yeah I guess I can see why someone will ask.

I don't fear it. I would have been disappointed to lose my partner on those grounds. But I know that if he hadn't gotten over it, we wouldn't have been compatible, so better finding out sooner rather than later.

This , :-)

I actually think women know exactly what it means when men ask these questions, therefor they fear it.

Actually I don't fear the question at all, in fact I welcome it and answer the question truthfully with all the details requested. I'm not looking for marriage or any sort of LTR and am looking to weed out men who want more than FB or FWB arrangements