I have absolutely no friends – is anyone else in the same boat?

[NotKelly]

I have to say that I share the original poster's frustrations with the usual "go volunteer, join a group" advice. Truth is, I have done this, and found the experience dissatisfying most of the time. Nobody really includes you in their conversations if they already have other friends. Everything remains superficial. Most people aren't even in these groups to do meaningful work anyway... most of the time, the volunteer group is just one of many they belong to, just another part of their busy social schedule - and they're too busy to reach out to a stranger beyond just superficial hello's.

 

I would basically go to these groups, struggle to fit in, do my volunteer stuff and then go home, never having made a connection. Everybody already seemed to have plenty of friends, and didn't seem interested in more. One time I somehow got stuck with running a book group (I'd wanted to JOIN the group, not RUN it!), and few people came, until on the very last day, only one or two people showed up. I felt like a failure. Never again.

 

"Join a volunteer group" is easy advice doled out by people but in real life, it rarely works and is usually a waste of time... even if you are genuinely interested in the work that the group is about, people just aren't serious about it.

[Spiral70]

No, I don't think it's strange about the person who turns up in the suit, what is your problem with it exactly?

And no I really do not have a sense of caution when it comes to people with shaved heads, I'm even *gasp* *shock* *horror* friends with someone with a shaved head, how crazy is that

I haven't missed the point, the point is you're coming across as very narrow minded when it comes to the appearance of others.

 

 

 

i was just going to edit my post to take out my provocative comment at the end but it seems you quoted the post.

 

You don't think being the only student that shows up in a dress suit every day is strange?

 

You don't think a woman with a shaved gives you a feeling of caution before you jump in to befriend the person?

 

nothing with wrong with being a vegan, but the combination that stray from the norm adds to the person's mystery. I'm saying you can be unique yet not be a creep. So sorry you missed the entire point.

 

Also let me add the final closing comment, around 90% of communication is non-verbal, this means i can't translate a person/personality with over 10000 words in text. maybe i shouldn't have tried to in the first place, but the damage is done.

[Spiral70]

People are just trying to make helpful suggestions. I mentioned I've made friends thought voluntary work, it took a while but it worked for me. Obviously it's best to join something which fits in with your ethics so you're more likely to meet like minded people.

Just because it didn't work for you doesn't mean it doesn't work for others, like me How do you know that 'it rarely works'?!

I've also joined things like dance classes etc where no-one showed an interest in me, and all seemed to be in cliquey groups, but it works for some people.

 

I have to say that I share the original poster's frustrations with the usual "go volunteer, join a group" advice. Truth is, I have done this, and found the experience dissatisfying most of the time. Nobody really includes you in their conversations if they already have other friends. Everything remains superficial. Most people aren't even in these groups to do meaningful work anyway... most of the time, the volunteer group is just one of many they belong to, just another part of their busy social schedule - and they're too busy to reach out to a stranger beyond just superficial hello's.

 

I would basically go to these groups, struggle to fit in, do my volunteer stuff and then go home, never having made a connection. Everybody already seemed to have plenty of friends, and didn't seem interested in more. One time I somehow got stuck with running a book group (I'd wanted to JOIN the group, not RUN it!), and few people came, until on the very last day, only one or two people showed up. I felt like a failure. Never again.

 

"Join a volunteer group" is easy advice doled out by people but in real life, it rarely works and is usually a waste of time... even if you are genuinely interested in the work that the group is about, people just aren't serious about it.

[Eeyore79]

I have to say that I share the original poster's frustrations with the usual "go volunteer, join a group" advice. Truth is, I have done this, and found the experience dissatisfying most of the time.

 

I have to admit that I've joined hobby groups before and found it difficult to make friends. I met some very nice people who I get on well with between 7-9pm on a Tuesday (or whenever the group is), but then we go home and they have their own friends, and I never see them outside of the hobby group. I actually ended up going to hobby groups 3-4 times a week because I'll be alone on the nights when I'm not out doing a hobby. I guess it's better to have acquaintances I regularly see at a group rather than having nobody at all, but it isn't the same as having real friends

[NotKelly]

I guess you have more persistence than I do, Eeyore - although I stayed in my last volunteer group for two years. One day, shortly after the book group debacle ended, I was driving home from a meeting and realized I never wanted to go back there again. All that effort and it just wasn't worth it - and I had joined the group really excited about the cause. After that, I withdrew from the group. Nobody ever asked "Gee, why don't we see you any more?" so I guess I made a huge impression on them.

 

Well, all I can say is that this sort of thing never works for ME. I don't know - maybe I'm asking too much to expect people to actually have conversations about the subject we're supposedly there for, at least ONCE in a while. The last group I was in was full of "highly committed" people for whom the group was just one little stop on their weekly smorgasbord of activism.

 

When I join groups that are full of (a) professional activists or (b) people who just want to goof off, it just isn't a very profitable experience in terms of making personal connections. What the hell - if I want to be lonely, I'd rather do it at home than drive somewhere and waste an hour every week or month.

Edited February 7, 2011 by NotKelly

[angielove]

You are definately not alone! I also feel like I have no friends. Well... there are three people who are kinda my friends, but they don't know each other (so it's not a group or anything) and I only see each of them about once every 3 weeks.

 

I've had a think about it and my friendlessness was probably caused by the following reasons:

 

1) In high school I felt very insecure about myself. I felt awkward trying to make new friends, so I clung to my long-term boyfriend (who was in an older grade) and never made any real friends.

 

2) I flit around a lot, going back and forth between different uni degrees and different jobs. I'm never doing one thing long enough to make any real friends.

 

3) I am quite close with my parents and siblings. We travel together often and we all still live together (my siblings and I are all in our early twenties).

 

4) I'm socially awkward. I'm an extrovert (according to everyone else) but I'm just so nervous/anxious/awkward about making friends. I can't think of what to say to people. I'm always worried if they like me or not. If I think someone might not want to be friends with me, I stop trying immediately just to pre-empt the rejection.

 

I hate when people suggest joining clubs or volunteering... I have NEVER made lasting friendships through those things.

 

The one thing that made me feel like I had friends was working in a bar. I have quit my job now and haven't stayed in touch with anyone... but at the time I felt popular and like I actually belonged to something (albeit that something was the hospitality workers' drinking culture ). I suggest to you, go find work in a bar/club. Even if it is just one night a week.

 

Now does anyone have any suggestions for me? x

[Eeyore79]

Hmm, I never had much luck with volunteer groups myself; I always got on better with hobby groups where you had to pay a small fee every week. The people who turned up and paid their money were obviously interested in doing whatever hobby it was, whether it was karate, dance, pottery, etc.

 

The difficulty for me was that my friendships with people were restricted to whatever group we met at, and they had other friends so they had no interest in forming a friendship and meeting up outside the group. Despite this, it was still better to see such acquaintances once a week than to see nobody at all

[NotKelly]

Hmm, I never had much luck with volunteer groups myself; I always got on better with hobby groups where you had to pay a small fee every week. The people who turned up and paid their money were obviously interested in doing whatever hobby it was, whether it was karate, dance, pottery, etc.

 

Good point. When you have to pay dues in a group, sometimes you have to worry about whether or not the money is being spent well, but at least the people who are paying it are more committed.

[Good]

I'm very much in the same boat. I have "friends" that I give high fives or hugs to every time I see them, but very few when it comes to dealing with the most personal aspects of my life.

 

All I can say is no matter what happens just be yourself. There are things, such as having friends, that we think is going to make us happier, while in the end nothing really compensates the loss of our true self. We're great in our own way, so to speak.

 

I'm not saying you should stop trying to make friends. Don't be against getting a little out of your comfort zone either. For all you know, this littlest effort might just be all you need for someone to discover you, and that person can as well be in the very same boat you're in, waiting for someone to discover them.

 

Best of wishes,

[Leviia]

This is a great avenue. Some of the best friends I've ever had, I met online on an interest-related forum.

 

Be careful if you do this, though. Lots of people lie about who they really are.

 

Just wanted to add that I am slightly introverted as well ... although I do try to push myself out of my shell a bit. But be REALLY careful about any online interactions. Even the people you think you've KNOW aren't really who they seem to be ......

[Sarabina]

Thanks a lot for the stories everyone, they were all very helpful. [

 

mohdhm: thanks a lot, you have given me one more thing to worry about. And also most the stuff that you consider strange isn’t strange at all; you need to experience more things that are out of your comfort zone (the world is a much crazier place then you might imagine)

 

About Volunteering: I am currently in a volunteering club and I love what we do, and I will definitely do it again next year. I haven’t made any real friends yet, but all the other volunteers are very nice and I am on friendly terms with all of them. it seems as if most people already have their own set of friends and they don’t want any more.

 

I think my main problems stem from my low self-esteem and my crazy nomadic childhood (I don’t think I have ever learnt how to make good close friends)

[Star Gazer]

I am on friendly terms with all of them. it seems as if most people already have their own set of friends and they don’t want any more.[/b][/b]

 

I think my main problems stem from my low self-esteem and my crazy nomadic childhood (I don’t think I have ever learnt how to make good close friends)

 

Aww, Sara... don't assume that these ladies have their own friends and don't want more. We can always use more girlfriends.

 

I do think your self-esteem is playing a role here. Next time you see them, ask them what they're doing this weekend. See if they're up for brunch, or seeing a chick flick. Take it from there.

[CharlotteCraig]

Hello everyone, I am new here today. I feel it is awful to hve no friends and feel so lonely but cannot understand what that has got to do with photos and looks. Either someone is decent, honest, caring and normal or they are not. You do not decide whether you like someone or not by their size or the colour of their hair. I wouldthink anyone who does that is probably sex starved and really after sex or weird.

[wademach1977]

I have been a loner most of my life and I have friends but I never have depended on them as much as I have depended on myself and family and my faith. I never felt a need to really get a massive amount of friends.

[Sugarkane]

I totally have the same problem as the original poster. Not because I'm a loner/ creep or whatever, but because of drifting apart etc:

 

1. Had a decent size group of friends at high school. When we left everyone drifted apart. I made effort, but they didn't at all.

2. Two of my friends cut me off. I don't even know why! Someone has something against me? They won't answer my calls.

3. When I started dating my ex, I became friends with all his friends. After he screwed me over, they still took his side for some reason.

4. There's no young people at work

5. My cousins who are my age, live hours away from me.

6. I've tried making friends through hobbies before. But if people already have a group of friends. They don't seem to want to add any new ones. What do you do then? How do you add yourself to somone elses group?

[friendlymale]

I wasn't sure if this was the correct thread to post an introduction, Just wanted to say hi, This forum seems to offer discussions on many topics, I hope to participate and become a part of the community on here. I'm alittle shy, looking for friendship so I'm starting out by sticking my toe in the water:)

[J200]

I am 32, female and also have NO friends.

 

Things like community service etc does not help me make friends because once I am surrounded by people I cannot talk and I don't talk. So stuff like volunteer and join a group or sports or go take a class won't help because I am not able to relate to people.

 

I go to work and am surrounded by people; however I guess I'm most comfortable being alone so I don't feel comfortable talking to people. Even when they talk to me and initiate I don't really talk back much; I put on my headphones while I work. So I guess I can't blame anyone for not having friends.

 

My problem is that I cannot relate to anyone. I guess I don't care about their lives and interests so when they talk about their kids or families; I really don't care. Or if they talk about their favorite foods I don't care and I'm not open and friendly enough to share what kind of food I like. I can't share my opinions or share myself with other people; that's the reason why I can't make friends.

 

Things like taking a class or volunteering won't do any good because I can't relate or empathize with people once I am there. It's hard for me to make conversation about what movies they watched or what they did on the weekends etc because I don't have an interest in their opinions to be honest. I've gotten used to being alone and I prefer it that way now.

[cerridwen]

I wasn't sure if this was the correct thread to post an introduction, Just wanted to say hi, This forum seems to offer discussions on many topics, I hope to participate and become a part of the community on here. I'm alittle shy, looking for friendship so I'm starting out by sticking my toe in the water:)

 

Welcome .

 

OP, after high school and until my junior year of college, I had zero friends.

People I'd been close to went off to colleges out of state, others just dropped off my radar.

It was a lonely stretch.

Since I was painfully shy and awkward, attempts at making new friends failed.

Seemingly everyone in the world had the social skills I lacked.

It was terribly painful.

 

However, time went by and I became more comfortable with myself.

I began to accept my eccentricities as things that are uniquely me.

My awkwardness gave way as I stopped struggling to be someone else.

In turn, people accepted and even LIKED my quirkiness.

I began to make friends by the boat load.

 

My point is it's not unusual to be friendless and that all can change as one goes

through different life stages.

Take heart. You're not alone.

Edited February 27, 2011 by cerridwen

[Honorable_Venerable]

Things like taking a class or volunteering won't do any good because I can't relate or empathize with people once I am there. It's hard for me to make conversation about what movies they watched or what they did on the weekends etc because I don't have an interest in their opinions to be honest. I've gotten used to being alone and I prefer it that way now.

 

Going to classes and volunteering are pretty ineffective ways of making friends because:

1 If you're doing a class or volunteering, you're expected to be involved in the subject or work, not networking. Also, the other people there are probably there to benefit the charity or learn, not become your social life.

 

2 At the end of the day you end up in a place surrounded by people with whom all you have in common is having all signed up to do a painting class or weed old peoples' gardens.

[friendlymale]

Thanks, I really appreciate your welcome and wise words of advise. I guess in my situation because It's difficult to socialize publicly due to a chronic condition, I have retreated more and look for friendship on some forums. The problem is on other few boards I've been on, Maybe because there is a higher ratio of females to males, I felt like I was invisible. I don't expect special treatment just to be accepted as another member nothing more or less. From what I've seen here males and females share discussions on everything and I think that's great. One forum had a private section for the females only on certain subjects. Take care, I hope in time a few more friendly members reach out and I understand it works both ways:)

 

 

 

Welcome .

 

OP, after high school and until my junior year of college, I had zero friends.

People I'd been close to went off to colleges out of state, others just dropped off my radar.

It was a lonely stretch.

Since I was painfully shy and awkward, attempts at making new friends failed.

Seemingly everyone in the world had the social skills I lacked.

It was terribly painful.

 

However, time went by and I became more comfortable with myself.

I began to accept my eccentricities as things that are uniquely me.

My awkwardness gave way as I stopped struggling to be someone else.

In turn, people accepted and even LIKED my quirkiness.

I began to make friends by the boat load.

 

My point is it's not unusual to be friendless and that all can change as one goes

through different life stages.

Take heart. You're not alone.

[DeadDreams]

I'm a 34 year old male and I also have no friends. I was bullied heavily throughout all my school years, people would always pick on me, ridicule me (even teachers), and I was beat up quite a bit and never fought back. I've had one relationship so far in my life and even that ended in being a forced dump on my part because I was tired of being a doormat when I have so much to give.

 

The one positive thing that came out of it was that I'm extremely successful because I just ended up working. Now that I have lots of money that's all people see me for. It was fun for a few years because anytime I would feel depressed I would try to make myself feel better by buying some really expensive toy.

 

I have no problems socializing, am always making people laugh, can converse on a diverse range of topics, but it never goes anywhere. No one really wants to be with me or shows any interest in who I am. When people discover I'm successful they are extremely jealous and resort to taking potshots at me. I used to hide my success a lot more than I do now (wouldn't wear fancy watches, drive the cars that I own) because I was ashamed of my success because of the way people would treat me.

 

I don't imagine I'm ugly but, apart from the one relationship, I've also never been flirted with. I can make eye contact and smile but I never get anything back. Even going up and saying hi I get treated like I don't exist. I even went to therapy and the end result was basically me being told that there will be someone out there for me and for some people it's just a lot harder for whatever reason.

 

A while back I was having some health issues and underwent a bunch of tests that found nothing, I was actually hoping that I'd have cancer so that I could check out of this world.

 

Not to derail your thread but after reading it I wanted to share.

[nalfy88]

Hey, It's not that anything is wrong with you. It's probably for the same reason I've lost friends at uni, they all just want to go out clubbing all the time, get drunk and sleep with each other (as vulgar as it sounds). They are still rebellious adolescents, whereas I started uni a year later than most, I was quite a bit more mature, and that is why people don't befriend you, it's because you have matured and they haven't yet.

 

The only true friend I have is a girl I met at school, and we have been friends for years. I find university friends aren't the same as school friends. For example, my friend from uni used to get me to go clubbing with her just so she didn't have to walk home in the dark! She was very promiscuous, and would grind on and kiss lads (and other things) she would see out and get herself into difficult situations, then subsequently muggin's here was expected to intervene when they would turn nasty on her! All of this because she had slept with a number of guys who all knew each other, and obviously word spreads fast and they would all tease her and think they could have a bit.

 

I'm now in a committed relationship with a Colombian, and he taught me that there's loads of ways to hang out as friends without going clubbing. If you want I can talk to you online if you would like someone to talk to, as i know how lonely uni is when you don't go clubbing and you're stuck on your own most of the time.

 

Nat x

[ring]

i know just how you feel,i am 20 years old as well,and am very introverted,have only one friend(whom i can almost never see as he is a very busy person)and my other friend was a online friend,and now she has just stopped talking to me out of the blue,i read and write and draw everyday,have been told i am funny,but have no real ability to makes friends,i guess that is why i am here,am hoping to make a real friend or two

[vikkid234]

Girl im having the same problems except its me who pushes everyone away i cant seem to keep any friends or even boyfriends ....i have the worst trust issues that i cant seem to over come because i look at everyone and i know no matter how sweet that person can be, they can as well be a backstabber.

Im very lonly i sometimes wish i just had that person someone who i can trust to when i have problems someone who will listen etc....ahh forget it...

[jean-luc sisko]

I am truly amazed at the posts contained in this thread.

 

for the 28 year old attending university:

I know a person who was 29 years old and decided to get his engineering degree, he is one of my favorite people on this earth, and i was only 21 when i met him (22 now). Age is not a (significant?) factor.

 

@ everyone else:

I'm "introverted" and have a lot of friends. I also know a super introverted friend that has WAY more friends than i do.

 

Even the social outcasts have their own group (of friends) in university.

 

the only people that don't have friends are total creeps/freaks.

 

Nobody needs friends. It's common knowledge.