hART Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 If introversion is indeed part of your personality, it isn't going to be forced away. However, us introverts can fake being outgoing. It may also be beneficial as an introvert, because it gives you a chance to explore your secondary MBTI extroverted function. You may even discover you are a shy extrovert, who knows? Not to confuse you, but rather help identify should you get frustrated; I choose to embrace my introversion, because faking extroversion is too draining.
Cee Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I was friendless for many years. I realize that I was socially awkward and not a joy to be around. It took a long time, but I learned to make friends. I started off by having 1 or 2 bff's. Then as I developed social skill, I was able to have dozens of friends. The trick I have learned is patience. I don't expect anyone to be my friend right away. Instead I socialize in groups many, many times before I try to get closer to someone. Also, I let people go quickly. It is sad to lose a friend, but there is no point in trying to force a relationship. It took me a good 15-20 years to turn from total loner to social butterfly. And even though I have 20 people that I socialize with on a regular basis, I still only have 3 BFF's who I consider part of my inner circle. Good luck and in the meantime be a good friend to yourself. Always be your own best friend.
quietGuy13 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I"m same and i'm 31. The sad truth seems to be that if you didn't learn how to make friends by highschool......it seems to be over. i never had friends in highschool or college or ever. the only way i have made friends is online usually. Everyone at work who is my same age are already SOCIAL PROS and are either married or have their friends.
green_tea Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I think it's just a matter of talking more to people. Like quietGuy13 I didn't really have any real friends in university though I did in high school. However when I look back to my time at uni, I just didn't talk to anyone - no wonder I had no friends. It can change - as Cee also pointed out. Even when I started working I was very quiet, but as I've got older I have come out of my shell more, and have made friends through work, and through other ways. The more you talk, the more chances you have to develop friendships. To OP, you say people do talk to you but nothing comes of it...what about talking about things you like doing, that opens up the possibilities of being invited along to do something. Like mentioning a band you like, you might get invited to go to a concert, or you could even do the asking. Good luck.
mohdhm Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I am truly amazed at the posts contained in this thread. for the 28 year old attending university: I know a person who was 29 years old and decided to get his engineering degree, he is one of my favorite people on this earth, and i was only 21 when i met him (22 now). Age is not a (significant?) factor. @ everyone else: I'm "introverted" and have a lot of friends. I also know a super introverted friend that has WAY more friends than i do. Even the social outcasts have their own group (of friends) in university. the only people that don't have friends are total creeps/freaks.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I am truly amazed at the posts contained in this thread. for the 28 year old attending university: I know a person who was 29 years old and decided to get his engineering degree, he is one of my favorite people on this earth, and i was only 21 when i met him (22 now). Age is not a (significant?) factor. @ everyone else: I'm "introverted" and have a lot of friends. I also know a super introverted friend that has WAY more friends than i do. Even the social outcasts have their own group (of friends) in university. the only people that don't have friends are total creeps/freaks. Thanks for that. I just wish I could find my own niche. I had it in H.S., I never seemed to be without a friend. And after H.S., I would make friends at every single job I went to (in fact, when I was fired for a stupid reason at one of my previous jobs, a friend tried to get me re-hired, and when he couldn't he quit in protest!) I know I haven't changed, and I've had many close-calls regarding friendship (people that "almost" became friends, but it just didn't happen for some reason.) I recognize that some people will dislike me for some superficial reason, and I shouldn't care, but sometimes it gets frustrating not having a single friend at college. Luckily, my best friend is my neighbor, so I see him all the time. But as far as other friends, I don't really have a single "best friend."
Kcelleste Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 the only people that don't have friends are total creeps/freaks. I'm a bit of a loner so I'm a little offended by your ignorant and judgmental sentence. How so? Do you know all the loners that you've been around? That doesn’t mean that they have something wrong with them. Believe it or not some people are happy being isolated from others and even actively try to avoid people. In fact, much of the unhappiness felt by loners might be attributed to social stigma and judgment rather than any actual problems with their lifestyle. Regardless of why someone is a loner, people should refrain from assuming something about them - no matter the odds. If someone knew your family was full of unruly hoodlums, for instance, it would be unjust of them to assume that you are similar without seeing for themselves. Loners get a harsh treatment by many people. The reality is individuals prefer varying degrees of socialization, with some seeking as little as possible. Difference is something to celebrate, not criticize.
Kcelleste Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 This is nonsensical. I know some very overweight, pretty objectively unattractive people who have lots of friends, because they were the friendly, enthusiastic, life-of-the-party type. People don't look at your personality first. People judge you automatically by your looks and then try to get to know your personality. If some people don't like your looks, they don't get to know you. That's how reality is. I never had a big problem with that but I've seen that looks do make a bigger difference for the loner, shy, quiet and introverted types in any environment. If you don't look, act or dress a certain way then some people will not approach you. Everyone has their own different prejudices when it some to the people they want to be around.
amerikajin Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I can relate to introversion. Mine is cyclical, period. I've gone through periods in my life when I've been extremely outgoing and social, and then I've swung back into hibernation so to speak. I think sometimes it depends on life circumstances, like being too busy at work. I think the advice about finding other introverts is spot on. Find someone like you who at least doesn't offend you socially.
Eeyore79 Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I have the same sort of problem with lacking friends. I was very shy and didn't really make friends at school or college; it seems that in later life a lot of people continue to hang out with the friends they met at those places, and I don't have such a group of friends so I can't do that. I also don't have siblings or cousins, so that's also ruled out as a potential source of friends. I find that the only people who express a real interest in spending time with me are men who are attracted to me. I'm ashamed to say that when I was younger I dated men I wasn't really attracted to, just because I was lonely and I wanted to share their circle of friends. What usually happens is that a guy's circle of friends accepts me because I'm his girlfriend, and when we eventually break up I never see them again, because they were never really my friends, no matter how well we got on or how often we hung out. This has led to me dragging on relationships long after they should have ended, because I didn't want to date the boyfriend any more but I didn't want to lose his friends. I'm not proud of having strung people along like that, but I did it because I was lonely, not out of any sense of malice. I'm a decent person, quite smart, and not ugly, I like to have fun and I don't think I'm boring or annoying, so it's a puzzle to me why nobody wants to be friends with me. I've just accepted that they don't want to, and I don't understand it but I've learned to live with it. I joined evening classes and societies so I'm out several times a week socializing with people; those people aren't real friends because I only see them at evening classes or society meetings, I couldn't call them if I was sick or unhappy or lonely, but it's better than having nobody. I also have a boyfriend, so I have him and his brother and sister-in-law to hang out with. Unfortunately he's a shy person as well, and doesn't have a huge circle of friends that I can share - he's a lovely person so I don't understand his lack of friends any more than I understand my own! I figure at least my boyfriend and I have each other, and we do see other people at evening classes even if they aren't strictly our friends. I've heard from other people that it's much easier to make friends when you have kids and can go to mom-and-baby groups; moms are keen to make new friends because they're open to meeting new people who are also moms. If in the future I had a job, a husband, kids, plus a hobby then I probably wouldn't have heaps of time for socializing anyway!
Questionis Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Just keep trying, there are people out there like you. Make yourself available, like online and in person. This way anyone in the same situation will be able to find you more easily. People who already have close friends will not be able to welcome you in their group, so try not to worry too much if some people are nice and don't want to be close to you. Just keep trying and do things that let you meet new people, you ill find someone. Its much easier to make lasting friends than it is to have a lasting boyfriend so put yourself out there. You will find someone.
Els Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 This is nonsensical. I know some very overweight, pretty objectively unattractive people who have lots of friends, because they were the friendly, enthusiastic, life-of-the-party type. People don't look at your personality first. People judge you automatically by your looks and then try to get to know your personality. If some people don't like your looks, they don't get to know you. That's how reality is. I never had a big problem with that but I've seen that looks do make a bigger difference for the loner, shy, quiet and introverted types in any environment. If you don't look, act or dress a certain way then some people will not approach you. Everyone has their own different prejudices when it some to the people they want to be around. That is true, especially with regards to dressing out of the norm. What I was referring to was the statement that if the OP was better-looking, it would be easier for her. I have not seen many cases where better-looking people have more friends than average-looking people. As long as you look, act, and dress relatively 'normal', even if you aren't attractive, it will not be a hindrance.
folieadeux Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I don't think how you look, where you come from, what your personality is like, etc. has any bearing on the friendships you're able to establish and maintain. I personally have a ton of acquaintances, but very few people I can call true friends. I never had an issue making friends, but due to various life circumstances, find that keeping them is a whole different story. I've moved around alot, went to a small high school where virtually no one kept in touch, commuted to college, usually had a serious boyfriend and just wasn't getting out there as much. All of that isn't very conducive to maintaining friendships and establishing new ones, at least in my instance. I agree with the poster who stated it's harder to meet new friends once you're out of school. Most of the new people I meet now are from or through work who already have their own life complete with lifelong friends and families. Our interests are just incompatible at best. But, I wouldn't let that deter you. There's always an opportunity to meet a new friend anywhere you go, including the many good suggestions that were made here.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I don't see why you would consider people who didn't have friends as creeps, losers, or freaks. Some people just have a hard time socially. In fact, it kind of makes you a creep for saying that! I recognize that some people might find me as a loser or creepy, but I don't care. It just makes the friendships that I have, much more special.
Els Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Well, my experience in college was that my entire class was populated with crazy, 'kiasu', traditional Chinese kids. I'm not interested in people who find 'Oh, I studied 10 hours today, how about you?' 'Oh, SHE studied 11 hours, I wish I could be as hardworking as her!' interesting conversation, sorry. I'd rather be by myself. So I was. I spent most of my class/lab time alone except for one or two friends. Most people probably thought I had no friends. They didn't know that I had a group of friends from another faculty whom I hung out with for hours after class, a boyfriend, and another group of childhood friends whom I meet every weekend. I didn't care that they didn't know.
blueyedgrl85 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Friendships are always changing due to people moving away, getting married, drifting apart, etc. It's hard to have a set group of friends. (Or if you do you are very lucky.) I also think it depends on age as well- people in their 20s and even 30s are still trying to "find themselves" and see where they fit in this crazy world. To the OP, it might be helpful to transfer colleges, if possible. I was at a large university and while I met a few friends, it was overwhelming and a very extroverted place while I was not. So I transferred to a smaller school and felt more at peace and it was easier to be my self because there were more people like me. They also had groups and get togethers for transfer students as well, so you can meet other people. If that isn't possible, it might be helpful just to talk to someone on campus like a counselor who will listen- it's nice to just talk and let out all of your frustrations. With adjusting to college life, homework, stress, etc. it's nice to vent sometimes. On the friend front, it might just take some time. It's more difficult when you're timid or more reserved- people are afraid to approach you. It might help to work on having fun and that being the focus, instead of the goal being looking for friends and friendship. Working on campus- like getting a job at the bookstore, library, etc. or volunteering for events would be a good way to meet new people. Not all of these will lead to friendships, but it would be a good way to meet others. All the best!
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Another thing to keep in mind is that you should befriend people of all ages. Just because they're older, or younger, than you doesn't mean that you can't get along. One of my good friends is 22 years older than me!
newrule Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I am without true friends too . The only person I can have a heart-to-heart with lives in another continent and the time difference makes it hard to talk too much. I have lots of friends, some close ones, but I've never really felt comfortable enough to share secrets etc. I do care about them a lot, though. It's just that I always try to be as happy as possible, not whiny, appear as stable as I can be, because I feel the need to be well-liked and not judged. Man, I wish I had one more best friend! But the one I have is pretty kickass so I am very thankful for him. Anyway to the starter of this thread, good luck and I hope you'll find someone to be a friend soon. *hugs*
NickCig Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I'm an introvert as well and I completely got your post. You seem like someone I'd want to be friends with and get along well with. I don't care what you look like either since I'm just seeking a friend/text buddy that I can share my thoughts, laughs, and quirks with. I'm fiercely loyal too, so if we have a great rapport, it's unlikely I'll abandon you. I met one of my best friends in a Social anxiety forum and I'd like someone like that again. So let me know if youre up for a new friend, Sarabina.
smile123 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I can't believe that some people are saying that if you have no friends, then this means that you are crazy or whatever. This is not true at all! Although I myself am not an introvert, I understand how difficult it must be for someone to make friends if they are naturally just very shy and quiet. Therefore, rather than not doing anything about it, I'm the one that will invite them to hang out with me and my friends. In doing so, we have added two new people to our group of friends this year at college. Although they are still super quiet with us, they are some of the nicest people I have ever met and I can tell that they have fun hanging out with us, even if they don't talk a lot. I'm not trying to make myself look like some type of hero or anything, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that, maybe rather than saying "Oh I feel bad for those people who don't have friends" or "wow they're really quiet...they must be lonely," why don't you go over and have a conversation with them (I'm speaking to those who are not introverts)? Why don't YOU invite them to go out for coffee, or to join you after class to do something? I don't mean to say that it is completely up to extroverts and that it is their responsibility or anything at all, but, from talking to some people who I have become friends with who are introverts, they want to approach people and make friends, but some of them are just too nervous or feel that they will be rejected since they already have their other friends. I love making people feel welcome and it kills me to see people without friends at college because that was me my freshman year, so I guess, although I am not an introvert, to some extent, I can relate.
HeavenOrHell Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Why did you resort to being derogatory in your last line? Didn't you stop to think that is a hurtful thing to say to people who find it hard making friends? I am truly amazed at the posts contained in this thread. for the 28 year old attending university: I know a person who was 29 years old and decided to get his engineering degree, he is one of my favorite people on this earth, and i was only 21 when i met him (22 now). Age is not a (significant?) factor. @ everyone else: I'm "introverted" and have a lot of friends. I also know a super introverted friend that has WAY more friends than i do. Even the social outcasts have their own group (of friends) in university. the only people that don't have friends are total creeps/freaks.
HeavenOrHell Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Surely only the most shallow people would judge someone by looks alone? I think we all judge others (to some extent) initially on how they look, but for me this means whether they have kind eyes and a friendly smile, I care equally about how warm hearted and friendly they are towards me. So when I say I judge to some extent their looks I don't mean how 'attractive' their looks are as such, we all find different things attractive anyway, it's more their expressions and at the same their personality. I think someone's face/expressions can reflect their personality to some extent, also the way someone dresses can too. I look at the person as a whole, and their attractiveness isn't based on how good their skin is or how lovely their hair is, whether they look like a model or not etc etc. I'm very shy and used to find it hard to make friends, I find it easier now, mostly though voluntary work. All I can say is; be warm and friendly towards people, show an interest in them, join groups where there are likely to be like minded people. I find shyness attractive and not something to be ashamed of, I tend to veer towards quieter people than bubbly people.
mohdhm Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 (edited) I don't see why you would consider people who didn't have friends as creeps, losers, or freaks. Some people just have a hard time socially. In fact, it kind of makes you a creep for saying that! I recognize that some people might find me as a loser or creepy, but I don't care. It just makes the friendships that I have, much more special. I should clarify that they are creepy in the way that prevents them form having any friends, not the other way around. examples of creeps, some of which are very hard to describe: 1. a few exceptional fine art students that have really bizarre tastes reflected in how they dress and present themselves, kind of repulsive tastes if you ask me. 2. the local psyco, he had a walking stick with him for a while, almost started to look like a british gentleman from the 1980, all he needed was a monocle and a hat. 3. another psyco, this guy takes the cake since i've had classes with him for 3 years now. He usually hits on girls in the library relentlessly and has developed a reputation for being rejected at every attempt. He also burps loudly in class (in a small class of under 50 students). Got fired from his engineering job because his boss hated him. in one instance he sent a buddy of mine a facebook message saying "check out this slut" linking to a pornsite depicting a gangbang. He is provocative and thinks his perverted thoughts out loud. He makes fun of a really nice single cross eyed prof. had recently started stitching because he wants to add metal objects to his clothing and i saw him on friday with a crossed out cross (the religious symbol of christianity). Been in my classes for 3 years now, and every time he opens his mouth i dread the feeling of awkwardness that is going to overcome me. examples of people that are 'weird' yet not creepy. 1. an (asian) undergraduate student who shows up to university in a suit every single day. was also vegan. 2. a chick that had her head shaved off in her first year. that put a question mark on her, but 2 years later i saw her... and damn she looks good (with the hair ofcourse. @LeaningIntoTheMuse: I guess i'm a creep with more friends than a non-creep like yourself Edited February 6, 2011 by mohdhm
Spiral70 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 The examples you give of people who are weird but not creepy is based on your personal taste, the only one who sounds dodgy/creepy is number 3) The other 2 don't sound creepy to me, especially number 1) You just don't like people who don't dress conventionally, this doesn't make people who don't dress in a conventional way 'creepy.' And your last 2 examples at the end of your message, what is weird about going to uni in a suit and being vegan. Have you any idea how narrow minded you sound?! And oh wow a girl who had a shaved head, that's just so weird it's untrue. I should clarify that they are creepy in the way that prevents them form having any friends, not the other way around. examples of creeps, some of which are very hard to describe: 1. a few exceptional fine art students that have really bizarre tastes reflected in how they dress and present themselves, kind of repulsive tastes if you ask me. 2. the local psyco, he had a walking stick with him for a while, almost started to look like a british gentleman from the 1980, all he needed was a monocle and a hat. 3. another psyco, this guy takes the cake since i've had classes with him for 3 years now. He usually hits on girls in the library relentlessly and has developed a reputation for being rejected at every attempt. He also burps loudly in class (in a small class of under 50 students). Got fired from his engineering job because his boss hated him. in one instance he sent a buddy of mine a facebook message saying "check out this slut" linking to a pornsite depicting a gangbang. He is provocative and thinks his perverted thoughts out loud. He makes fun of a really nice single cross eyed prof. had recently started stitching because he wants to add metal objects to his clothing and i saw him on friday with a crossed out cross (the religious symbol of christianity). Been in my classes for 3 years now, and every time he opens his mouth i dread the feeling of awkwardness that is going to overcome me. examples of people that are 'weird' yet not creepy. 1. an (asian) undergraduate student who shows up to university in a suit every single day. was also vegan. 2. a chick that had her head shaved off in her first year. that put a question mark on her, but 2 years later i saw her... and damn she looks good (with the hair ofcourse. @LeaningIntoTheMuse: I guess i'm a creep with more friends than a non-creep like yourself
mohdhm Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 i was just going to edit my post to take out my provocative comment at the end but it seems you quoted the post. You don't think being the only student that shows up in a dress suit every day is strange? You don't think a woman with a shaved gives you a feeling of caution before you jump in to befriend the person? nothing with wrong with being a vegan, but the combination that stray from the norm adds to the person's mystery. I'm saying you can be unique yet not be a creep. So sorry you missed the entire point. Also let me add the final closing comment, around 90% of communication is non-verbal, this means i can't translate a person/personality with over 10000 words in text. maybe i shouldn't have tried to in the first place, but the damage is done.
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