carhill Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 OP, if your M is otherwise healthy and you're still 'haunted' by these feelings from years gone by, my suggestion would be to get some IC to address them and process them in a different way. It can help. People can go through emotional upheavals at different times in their lives, something commonly called a mid-life crisis but generally reaching far beyond mid-life in age, and need to work through it. The feelings are sometimes overwhelming. BTDT. Counseling really helped, in my case anyway. Give it a try. Hope things work out Link to post Share on other sites
Author grampi Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 I would agree with you cerridwen (by the way I love your avatar ) but that doesn't always work. I think for some people, they meet someone who literally changes their life in a way most people will not be able to comprehend. For instance when I met my ex the last thing I wanted was a boyfriend, but there was something about him that drew me to him. Because literally from the first moment we talked to each other I wanted him in my life forever one way or another. It was a feeling that can't be explained but there was something between us and I just wanted to be around him. So I guess it depends on the persons involved. Some people you can get over and others you can't despite whatever it is you do. Some call it obsession, some call it true love, and some call it soulmates. You can definitely tell those who have experienced love the way we have from those who have not. I believe it is possible for someone to have such an impact on your life that it makes it impossible to get over them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author grampi Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 OP, if your M is otherwise healthy and you're still 'haunted' by these feelings from years gone by, my suggestion would be to get some IC to address them and process them in a different way. It can help. People can go through emotional upheavals at different times in their lives, something commonly called a mid-life crisis but generally reaching far beyond mid-life in age, and need to work through it. The feelings are sometimes overwhelming. BTDT. Counseling really helped, in my case anyway. Give it a try. Hope things work out What's "IC" and "BTDT?" Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 IC = individual counseling BTDT = been there done that Link to post Share on other sites
Author grampi Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 IC = individual counseling BTDT = been there done that Thanks carhill! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 I think you are over her.. she is over you too.. You are just looking down memory lane and are stuck in the what if's.. Time to look at the reality and that is she is happy and so are you.. Go hug your wife and just remember that memory lane isn't supposed to happen again... Link to post Share on other sites
Author grampi Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 I think you are over her.. she is over you too.. You are just looking down memory lane and are stuck in the what if's.. Time to look at the reality and that is she is happy and so are you.. Go hug your wife and just remember that memory lane isn't supposed to happen again... I wish it was that easy... Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 You can definitely tell those who have experienced love the way we have from those who have not. I believe it is possible for someone to have such an impact on your life that it makes it impossible to get over them. Then there are those of us that experience profound love, life-changing love, let it impact us, then choose to get over the person. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 I wish it was that easy... It's as easy as you want it to be... You can't expect a memory of what could have been from over thirty years ago to fill gaps of unhappiness in your current today life.. That is something you must do without the past and with your current wife. Put the past behind you for good.... We all have moments of wanting to hold onto the good memories in our past.. I've been guilty of it too.. But you cannot actually think if you were united with your past GF that everything would just fall into place.. it won't.. She is also a different person today as you are and you are very well no longer compatible.. Time to let it go... Link to post Share on other sites
Author grampi Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 Then there are those of us that experience profound love, life-changing love, let it impact us, then choose to get over the person. Then I envy you for having that ability. Apparently I don't have it... Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 I can't tell Grampi, if you're in emotional pain or if it's a bittersweet thing for you. Are you deeply unhappy about it? Or just think on it wistfully? Link to post Share on other sites
Author grampi Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 It's as easy as you want it to be... You can't expect a memory of what could have been from over thirty years ago to fill gaps of unhappiness in your current today life.. That is something you must do without the past and with your current wife. Put the past behind you for good.... We all have moments of wanting to hold onto the good memories in our past.. I've been guilty of it too.. But you cannot actually think if you were united with your past GF that everything would just fall into place.. it won't.. She is also a different person today as you are and you are very well no longer compatible.. Time to let it go... Believe me, if I knew how to let it go, I would. Do you think I enjoy having to drag this around with me every day of my life? I really dont. Link to post Share on other sites
Author grampi Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 I can't tell Grampi, if you're in emotional pain or if it's a bittersweet thing for you. Are you deeply unhappy about it? Or just think on it wistfully? It's bittersweet, but slightly more bitter than sweet. If I could go back and do it over again knowing the end result would be exactly the same, would I? Yes, because what we had really was that amazing. That's the sweet part. The bitter part is that it ended....and how it ended... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 It's bittersweet, but slightly more bitter than sweet. If I could go back and do it over again knowing the end result would be exactly the same, would I? Yes, because what we had really was that amazing. That's the sweet part. The bitter part is that it ended....and how it ended... You also need to forgive yourself.. You seem to think you did something so awful to her.. well.. she married within three years and it still married.. so what you did wasn't all that bad.. One of the things to keep in mind is that if you both had never dated you wouldn't have met your current spouses and had the lives you both have lived for over thirty years.. The fate of our future is built by our past... Who you are today is partly because you dated that girl thirty years ago.. Accept the past as it is and be grateful you got the chance to live it... Link to post Share on other sites
KickinCowgirl Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Grampi - I'm seriously in tears right now. I'm sorry Link to post Share on other sites
Author grampi Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 You also need to forgive yourself.. You seem to think you did something so awful to her.. well.. she married within three years and it still married.. so what you did wasn't all that bad.. One of the things to keep in mind is that if you both had never dated you wouldn't have met your current spouses and had the lives you both have lived for over thirty years.. The fate of our future is built by our past... Who you are today is partly because you dated that girl thirty years ago.. Accept the past as it is and be grateful you got the chance to live it... Wow! You've made a lot of good points in this post, and touched on a few things that hit the nail on the head! I guess never thought about the possibility that I did something bad to her. I probably was holding her back, but she did move on and is, as far as I know anyway, happy now. I am greatful for that as I always wanted nothing but the best for her. I agree that how we live is, or least can be greatly affected by how we lived. I'm also very greatful I got to experience that relationship. I wonder how many millions of people NEVER IN THEIR ENTIRE LIVES get to experience the same? Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 If you're insinuating that I had quite a few girlfriends in the late 70s, yes I did. What's that got to do with anything? Sorry, I was being a little facetious. The good news is that you thought you would have a lot of difficulty getting past your chemistry with THAT woman, from back in August: this time may be a much more difficult challenge to overcome..... (a "more difficult challenge to overcome" than your near miss with having an affair with a 23 year old a few months earlier.) But, it turned out to be a piece of cake: I'll tell you what happened with THAT woman. I told her I was married and that I had no intention of cheating on my wife, or leaving her, and we went our separate ways. If the "grande amore" referenced in THIS thread is really an entirely different woman who you dated in the exact same time period as the one in THAT thread, you'll probably have no problem moving on from this one just as easily, once you set your mind to it. Honestly, though. You are either going to have to address your marriage problems, leave your marriage, or you are going to have an affair. Have you been like this all 23 years of your marriage, or is this a mid-life thing? And, no, I am not sympathetic with you. You don't seem to take any accountability for your own relationships and emotional forays. I wonder how present you are in your marriage, when you have such a hair trigger for emotional indiscretions. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Originally Posted by aerogurl87 I would agree with you cerridwen (by the way I love your avatar ) but that doesn't always work. I think for some people, they meet someone who literally changes their life in a way most people will not be able to comprehend. For instance when I met my ex the last thing I wanted was a boyfriend, but there was something about him that drew me to him. Because literally from the first moment we talked to each other I wanted him in my life forever one way or another. It was a feeling that can't be explained but there was something between us and I just wanted to be around him. So I guess it depends on the persons involved. Some people you can get over and others you can't despite whatever it is you do. Some call it obsession, some call it true love, and some call it soulmates. You can definitely tell those who have experienced love the way we have from those who have not. I believe it is possible for someone to have such an impact on your life that it makes it impossible to get over them. With very much sincere respect for Aerogurl, she is a 21 year old woman. People of that age often believe that they have feelings that the "average" person could not possibly understand ... I know I did. I don't think one can properly compare her feelings of "soulmate love" with those of a long married guy in his 50's. And, I'm here to assure you that the ability to be completely present in a current love relationship in no way reflects upon the depth, reality, intimacy, intensity, passion, etc. of ones past love (s). It's a CHOICE. Anyway, I'm done bothering you. Good luck with either enriching your marriage or finding your freedom to enjoy "real" love. Link to post Share on other sites
kwist Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Grampi, What you wrote is very sweet but you made a lifetime commitment when you said the words "I do". You have an obligation now to your kids and to the women you swore you'd stay together forever with. I believe you should deactivate your facebook account, destroy anything of you two together, and see a therapist. It is not worth ruining your marriage with your wife, ruining your kid's lives, and then ruining another marriage on top of it. You seem like a strong person, and I hope you will do what's right. Link to post Share on other sites
comethemorning Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Sorry folks, but none of you have any idea what the man is talking about. I was/am in the same situation. And this was over 20 freaking years ago!!!!! Did I stop living or not give my all to my marriage? No. But I have NEVER forgotten him. Sometimes, we are not meant to be with our 'soulmate'. And yes, he was/is my soulmate. Of this I have No Doubt. And like Grampi, I do not regret a thing, and even knowing what I know now, would probably do it all over again. Very few of us are given the opportunity to Love that absolutely. Or that passionately. And to have it returned. As for it constituting an 'emotional affair', or something you can 'decide' to get over - B.S. It is a feeling. It is a memory. It was someone that you connected with on an almost supernatural plane. When you have that type of connection with another human being, they become a part of you, and you would forget them as you would your foot if it was amputated. Unless you have lived it - you cannot understand it. And honestly, I don't know whether to envy you, or pity you. As for me, I am content with the situation. As I am sure Grampi is, or he would have been sitting in a corner with his thumb up his a88 instead of having a 23 year marriage with the same woman... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 (edited) Unless you have lived it - you cannot understand it. And honestly, I don't know whether to envy you, or pity you. I don't think that is true.. and how do you know that I haven't lived it and moved on ? Me posting advice to him without saying I have lived it doesn't mean my advice isn't any good...I'm in my late 40's and have lived quite a life myself.. Maybe you should take stock of your own life and read and listen to some of the advice on Grampi's threads rather than insult the advice given to him and maybe you might find some peace yourself.. How is it that they say it in the AA.. "Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth" JMO Edited January 11, 2011 by Art_Critic Link to post Share on other sites
comethemorning Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Art Critic - my mistake, and please forgive me. I broke my own cardinal rule about 'generalizing'. I should not have used the proverbial "you" in my opening sentence. I never meant to leave you with the impression that you and/or your advice was inadequate. It was very sound advice. My posting originally, was based upon the question that the OP queried at the end of his post about whether or not anyone else has experienced the same feelings regarding a past love. I answered in kind, and it is based upon my own experiences. For the record, if you had read both of my postings, you would see that I am at peace with the situation. I covered all of that in my first response. Trust me when I say, the problems in my life that I am dealing with now, make fondly remembering that time in my life, a welcome distraction. So I guess then that this also applies to you How is it that they say it in the AA.. "Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth"Peace. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Art Critic - my mistake, and please forgive me. I broke my own cardinal rule about 'generalizing'. I should not have used the proverbial "you" in my opening sentence. I never meant to leave you with the impression that you and/or your advice was inadequate. It was very sound advice. My posting originally, was based upon the question that the OP queried at the end of his post about whether or not anyone else has experienced the same feelings regarding a past love. I answered in kind, and it is based upon my own experiences. For the record, if you had read both of my postings, you would see that I am at peace with the situation. I covered all of that in my first response. Trust me when I say, the problems in my life that I am dealing with now, make fondly remembering that time in my life, a welcome distraction. Thanks for clarifying CTM.. and sorry for jumping the gun.. I was reacting specifically to this part.. but none of you have any idea what the man is talking about. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Grampi, What you wrote is very sweet but you made a lifetime commitment when you said the words "I do". You have an obligation now to your kids and to the women you swore you'd stay together forever with. I believe you should deactivate your facebook account, destroy anything of you two together, and see a therapist. It is not worth ruining your marriage with your wife, ruining your kid's lives, and then ruining another marriage on top of it. You seem like a strong person, and I hope you will do what's right. Even thought I feel where Grampi is coming from, I have to agree 100% with Kwist. Its best to destroy the temptation that will draw you away from your marriage. You don't want to lose a good thing. I just keep the memories of my exes as that... memories. I didn't get a Myspace or Facebook while I was married because of temptations that might arise from it. Its a slippery slope that it was best to take no chances on. I might get one now, but I still have a lot of reservations about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I know just how you feel. I met this woman over 10 years ago and have been off and on and off and on with her ever since then. We have each had other relationships... but we end up coming back home to eachother. She even has a son that I am convinced is mine....but she has not claimed I or anyone else as being the father. (I'm going to talk to one last lawyer about that.) We were last on as an LDR three years ago. I checked back in with her a month or so ago to find her only a few weeks in a relationship with another man. She did not drop him in my favor but I would not close the book on her yet. We have reconnected too many times to think it's impossible. Hearing that one could hold on to those feelings for 30 years and never fully escape from them .... makes me think I may never be free of her influence. I could marry a wonderful woman have a wonderful life and still from time to time be haunted by what if's. It motivates me to want to try again really hard and eliminate any what if's. 30 years of this would be worse than being waterboarded at random times in the middle of the night. Link to post Share on other sites
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