dreamingoftigers Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I have to be honest, it doesn't look good. Some things are unforgivable, and your H seems like (going by what he's said and done) he'll never get past this, nor does he want to. He has that right, as much as you may want to try to save the marriage, he may not want to. It's his decision, it's out of your hands. Right now I suggest you take care of you, get that counselling appointment and go from there. Ditto, do what you can but let the rest go. Maybe email him the link to this thread in a week or so. He can see your thoughts etc then.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I am very sorry to hear about the situation with your parents. That must of been very stressful on you and your other family members. However, with that being said, and I am not saying this to minimize you and your families anguish, but every infidelity situation is different. Especially when it comes to gender. When a male cheats, his behavior is different, he lashes out etc, gaslights, exhibits a whole myriad of "cheaters behavior". When a woman is the cheater, in my opinion it is a totally different animal, the behavior is not identical to the males. But that is either here nor there at this point. It seems the OP's husband is at the very least wanting to spend time away from her, either to clear his head, or file for a divorce, whatever the case may be. I do actually applaud her for going to counseling to get to the root of why she felt the need to cheat and break her vows, that takes courage to speak to a neutral party. Thank you for your kindness. I am not bothered by that, actually the trauma therapy I received took away a lot of that along with much of my personal history's trauma. I get that they may not both be apples. My long-winded () example was to point out the extremity between someone who has rarely shown an ounce of remorse coming completely out of the remorse closet, gender notwithstanding. TBH I am not so familiar with female cheaters (admitted ones anyways), my SA sponsor is one but it isn't something we talk about much. I can only say that I have read a lot on the phenomenon (not on LS) but that doesn't depict real life as much. Actually come to think of it, my mother was a cheater, but not in this situation, I should ask her about it. I hope OP and H find some measure of peace, whether or not they find it with each other. PS: God my parents are ****ing aliens! (Just ignore that, 2 am rant)
JustJoe Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 My, Oh My:lmao: This thread is really, really funny. Posters, listen to her(or His) word use. She wants to"hold him and cry with him", she wants posters to have "empathy", and she is "embracing ", her responsibility. This is a total troll thread. NOBODY talks like that, when they are emotionally distraught. She (or He) is sitting back, having some major yucks at Y'alls expense. Her FIL helped her MIL on with her FUR coat. Why would she (he) mention it was a FUR coat? She is describing a situation like a daytime soap, not like a real person talking about a real problem. Her MIL "glared", at her? whooboy, this is rich.
Woggle Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I have to agree that it does not look good. Betrayed who want to stay married usually bend over backwards to blame themselves and try to please their wives. Quite honestly he sounds like he is simply disgusted with you at this point. I hope if he decides to leave you are decent enough to let him get out of the marriage without being bled dry. Look at this as a learning experience so you don't do the same thing in the future.
Distant78 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Betrayed who want to stay married usually bend over backwards to blame themselves and try to please their wives. And that is sad.
phillyfan Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I know what I've done was wrong but he wasn't there for me a lot. He just came back from doing secret jobs for a U.S. agency for almost a year with minimal contact. I just couldn't handle the pain of being alone. I called my co-worker 30 minutes ago and told him I was sorry he got hit in his jaw but I can't do the affair no more. He said fine angrily then hung up. I don't know why some of you people are so bitter and mean. Can't you just understand my situation and have empathy? LOL. Dude. When u bang a guy who aint ur husband, in ur husbands bed, for 9 months, what u think is gona happen? Seriously, I know u r hurtin, but u r completely freakin delusional if u think u deserve sympathy.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I will take all of what you have said and consider it ....that is all I can do, I wish you would do the same. Will you really consider it? I have been around the block a few times. I have a decent idea of where OP is in her head. I've dealt with similar people in similar situations IRL... this isn't new. She does need some understanding and empathy, which isn't really my role to provide in this thread. However, in being empathetic... it is not a positive step to downplay the situation or her fault in causing it. I spent 6 years after highschool living near a large Army base. Many of my friends served in both Iraq and Afghanistan. I have a very poor view of the women who liked to cheat on them while they were deployed. Look, the OP is about to lose a husband she was already cheating on. She didn't care that much to begin with... so BooHoo. Beyond that there are no consequences. Her husband is going to struggle to perform his job. He will have flashbacks that will cause anxiety and pain at random intervals. His overall loss of confidence will cause at minimum a several month depression. He will probably lose a good chunk of the things he has worked so hard for in the divorce. He will struggle to trust women in the future. I could go on.. and on. OP only cares for herself. It's very clear. Everything is in terms of her... even when she feels bad, it's still all about her. I know you've spent some time as an OW, but I think you are a strong enough person to understand how a BS would suffer in this situation.
dont-be-naive Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 No need to make excuses, they maybe inexcusable, but they are forgivable in time that is for her husband to decide, and based on his reaction, my guess is what she did to him is unforgivable.
dont-be-naive Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 its cool I did the same to yours ........... and a few others Now claraj, I hope you get what you need. why haven't you suggested that she take into consideration what her husband needs right now?
dont-be-naive Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 My fear of him leaving has just rose 10 times more than what I originally felt. now the following is an honest question: why do you care if he leaves since you like to be in the company of other men and bring them into your home? I have felt the urge to go over there earlier and try to convince him to not do what he's doing but I knew that would only make him angrier. I just want to show him I'm trying to change. if you were truly trying to change, you would have done so or made the effort BEFORE YOU GOT CAUGHT. you get caught and in a couple short weeks you are all of a sudden changing? you had no intention to change so long as he was oblivious to what you were doing with other men in his house. I see some of you are constantly saying I don't feel remorse or hurt but I do. again, only because you got caught. you weren't feeling remorse by letting other men into his bed and having free roam of the house. not that it matters, but we aren't going to be bulls####ed. This does hurt really bad. I want to be there to hold him and to cry with him. I don't want to lose him. but is this all the emotions you were feeling when you were pleasuring yourself with other men? again, you want to try to do what you can before throwing in the towel? more power to you. But don't feed us a crap sandwich and expect us to swallow it.
dumbchick Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Do you think you deserve empathy or sympathy. You have just turned this mans life upside down. Its over a year since I found out about my partners EA and I am still a wreck because of it. I was the one left at home , neglected, feeling guilty about how things were bad for him, How he hated being away, lonely etc and then I find out he's been having EA for the 8 years he was working away. I was the one that could have looked elsewhere, but it didn't enter my head to do so. Yes there may have been some problems before he went away to work but I tried to sort them out but he just wouldn't talk about them. It's an easy excuse.I should have been the one to have the affair but it didn't ever cross my mind cos I loved the guy. Still do , and trying to work things out now . What a high price to pay for somebody elses selfish actions. Please think of what this is doing to your husband and feel a bit of his pain. I would have loved the chance to take a swing at the OW. On a kinder note I hope you realise just what you have done. it was despicable and I hope you ha ve changed your ways and if you do love your husband will try every which way to make it right with him, but don't expect it to happen overnight. It isa lot to digest. Please tell him what he needs to know and give him the opportunity to understand why it happened. Only then can he decide if you are worth staying for.
Author claraj Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 I have to be honest, it doesn't look good. Some things are unforgivable, and your H seems like (going by what he's said and done) he'll never get past this, nor does he want to. He has that right, as much as you may want to try to save the marriage, he may not want to. It's his decision, it's out of your hands. Right now I suggest you take care of you, get that counselling appointment and go from there. You are right, it does not look good but I will still hang on while trying to change myself. I got the money so I called a local counselor this afternoon and I'm scheduled for an appointment tomorrow morning.
Author claraj Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 I have to agree that it does not look good. Betrayed who want to stay married usually bend over backwards to blame themselves and try to please their wives. Quite honestly he sounds like he is simply disgusted with you at this point. I hope if he decides to leave you are decent enough to let him get out of the marriage without being bled dry. Look at this as a learning experience so you don't do the same thing in the future. Thanks Woggle. I really do appreciate your suggestions and if my husband does leave me (and it's most likely given that he's moved out) I will not contest the divorce. He can have anything he wants. I just want to at least show him that I love him after everything I've done.
Author claraj Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 I know when I go home tonight the inside of the house will have less things in there. Part of me feels afraid to go back and see that his things are actually gone.
amerikajin Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 <yawn> Another cheating thread. Another 15 pages of lectures and insults. Anyway, OP, the first thing you have to ask is, why did this happen? Why did you do it? Why did you resort to this instead of confronting your husband with concerns you had about the relationship? Was the relationship really all that great before the affair? It would seem that, based on your comments, you weren't really happy with things, but did your husband know that? Maybe you had a legitimate gripe about being ignored, but it's unfair to not tell your husband about it and just go out and have a fling. Beyond that, the best thing you can do is to give your husband space and tell him that you accept responsibility for your actions, you understand why he's angry, and that you're willing to take another shot at it (if you really are, that is; if not, then let him go ahead with the divorce). It will depend on how he feels about reconciliation. For whatever it's worth, although I think you handled your marital problems in the worst possible way, I frequently disagree with the adulterer bashing that goes on here. I think that marriage is complicated and challenging under the best of circumstances. People are human. They f*ck up. We f*ck up. And here, now, you f*cked up. This just happens to be a rather big f*ck up. But people do survive this, and many times, they go on to have reasonably good marriages. Of course many don't, but there's still something to learn from this. I would say that's maybe the most important thing here. Become a better person as a result of this.
2themoon&back Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 that is for her husband to decide, and based on his reaction, my guess is what she did to him is unforgivable. Your are right
2themoon&back Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 why haven't you suggested that she take into consideration what her husband needs right now? It seems to be covered here.
JustJoe Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Wow! 227 posts on a troll thread....must be some kind of record.
Distant78 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 <yawn> Another cheating thread. Another 15 pages of lectures and insults. Anyway, OP, the first thing you have to ask is, why did this happen? Why did you do it? Why did you resort to this instead of confronting your husband with concerns you had about the relationship? Was the relationship really all that great before the affair? It would seem that, based on your comments, you weren't really happy with things, but did your husband know that? Maybe you had a legitimate gripe about being ignored, but it's unfair to not tell your husband about it and just go out and have a fling. Beyond that, the best thing you can do is to give your husband space and tell him that you accept responsibility for your actions, you understand why he's angry, and that you're willing to take another shot at it (if you really are, that is; if not, then let him go ahead with the divorce). It will depend on how he feels about reconciliation. For whatever it's worth, although I think you handled your marital problems in the worst possible way, I frequently disagree with the adulterer bashing that goes on here. I think that marriage is complicated and challenging under the best of circumstances. People are human. They f*ck up. We f*ck up. And here, now, you f*cked up. This just happens to be a rather big f*ck up. But people do survive this, and many times, they go on to have reasonably good marriages. Of course many don't, but there's still something to learn from this. I would say that's maybe the most important thing here. Become a better person as a result of this. What adulterer bashing? Her actions were not a mistake. Instead of leaning on those close to her and using a dildo to survive while her husband was in danger she decided she "needed to be filled." Hopefully she will learn from this and next time she has a man, she'll think before doing something so stupid.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Wow! 227 posts on a troll thread....must be some kind of record. Didn't mr. normal knowledge get more?
JustJoe Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Possibly, but this thread seems to still be going strong. Who knows how many it will end up with?
Steadfast Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 But if she's a troll, she's a dedicated one. Really, I have no idea. When someone like amerikajin pulls the 'adultery bashing' card (is that an oxymoron? Think about it) I'm reminded that different people have different views on the subject. In many cases, those who view infidelity as just another marriage 'error' don't have kids. I admit my views on it are different when children are not involved, and while it doesn't make it any less excusable it's an entirely different demographic. Surely, when a parent cheats on his/her spouse, he's cheating all of them. Wrecking a marriage verses wrecking a marriage and a family is harder for me to tolerate.
HeavenOrHell Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I'm just stunned that anyone thought this thread was for real As if anyone would write a post like that first one and be surprised when they got shot down. Hello?!
amerikajin Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Well, the story itself could be real, except I'm a little doubtful about the part where the hubby supposedly catches her lover and her in bed. I think a broken jaw is getting off kinda lightly in that situation, eh? Seems that would have ended much worse. Moreover, how did they get caught in bed? Did he just sneak into his own house. He surely would have heard footsteps and tried to jump out of the second-story window buck naked in the snow, even, right? If it's a troll, it's a good one.
JaneyAmazed Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 It's interesting because I had a weird feeling about this thread too but I'm in no position to judge considering my current situation. It just seemed like someone had been reading a lot of posts and could easily come up with a halfway realistic situation, and added a little more drama than usual. I hope I'm wrong because a lot of people took the time to help her out. I also realize that sometimes the truth really is stranger than fiction.
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