bentnotbroken Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Listen lady I don't know who you are but you aren't helping me by attacking me. Go and take care of your husband and leave me and my business alone. You and everyone else posting mean comments are not helping me. Define "mean". "This had nothing to do with gender" is mean? You got more of a problem than cheating. By the way...this is a public board. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 [/i] Okay I will tell him what I want to know. Is it okay if I warn him that he may not like what he will hear, because I will not go into a shouting match with him if I tell him something and he goes off on me again. I don't want to run to OM, but I can't help it if my mind brings up images of him in my head. He knows it isn't going to be what he wants to hear. He knows that everything you say could possible be the last thing he wants to hear from you. Yet the truth is what he is owed by you. Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Well, I still don't understand what you want. After reading the whole thread, I still can't tell: reconciling or the OM? Or being single for a while? Do you have kids? If not, the decision-making process is somewhat easier. But you have to ask yourself first what it is that you want, and then go from there. If reconciling is an option, then your H is the one who leads the way. Go with the flow and don't pressure him into anything. Be patient. Ask him if he's willing to go for MC. It's going to take time, honesty AND patience, and it will only be an option if he chooses it to be an option. His option might be D, and that's it. You sound like 1) reconciliation is only an option for you if it's easy enough, and 2) the OM is not completely out of your focus yet. Based on that, even if your H is willing to give it a shot, it will not work out for you guys. You will lose patience with him and he will hold it against you. Plus, lack of introspection and true remorse is never a good basis for a new start after infidelity. Just my 2 cents. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 This thread has to be fake. There is no way a person could cheat in such a disgusting way, get caught in such a way, expect a kinder reaction, and then believe that they are some kind of victim. I really find it hard to believe that someone could be that selfish and simple all at once. OP, if this is real Bentnotbroken is not being mean to you so stop acting like a victim Link to post Share on other sites
Author claraj Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 Well, I still don't understand what you want. After reading the whole thread, I still can't tell: reconciling or the OM? Or being single for a while? Do you have kids? If not, the decision-making process is somewhat easier. But you have to ask yourself first what it is that you want, and then go from there. If reconciling is an option, then your H is the one who leads the way. Go with the flow and don't pressure him into anything. Be patient. Ask him if he's willing to go for MC. It's going to take time, honesty AND patience, and it will only be an option if he chooses it to be an option. His option might be D, and that's it. You sound like 1) reconciliation is only an option for you if it's easy enough, and 2) the OM is not completely out of your focus yet. Based on that, even if your H is willing to give it a shot, it will not work out for you guys. You will lose patience with him and he will hold it against you. Plus, lack of introspection and true remorse is never a good basis for a new start after infidelity. Just my 2 cents. Minnie we have no kids. I'm scared but I'm willing to reconcile with him if he wants to. If he divorces me I know it will hurt but I guess I'll live...... Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 (edited) I'll bite. Your story sounds contrived and your attitude is so unbelievably selfish that I still maintain doubts it's valid. Understand there are those who do post for drama and effect. I sincerely hope you are not one of those. You are not being attacked. You continue to ask for help yet tell off those trying to give it. I'll word this very clearly so you do not misunderstand: the very key to successfully moving forward (divorced or otherwise) requires dropping the entitled, me first attitude. You are not the victim; you have caused this reaction from your husband. He is the victim, he is the one dealing with pain and betrayal. I have no doubt you are in turmoil, but the difference is your husband's pain is not from his own doing. Yours is. Before anything else can happen, you must embrace this fact. That means it's time to grow up. Marriage is for adults; not children. Children get into trouble when they get bored and are left alone for too long. Not mature, loving wives. That is not an excuse. You took a vow, then broke it. Your word is no longer of any worth. It will take a good, long time to restore that, but it isn't impossible. Someone early in this thread said that you took your husband's safe place away. I believe that may be accurate. As a former betrayed husband I can say that our house wasn't home...she was. The house was block and wood, empty when she wasn't there. My wife's heart was home and wherever she was...was home. When she evicted me I was homeless. So have a heart. Pull your head out of your ass and start taking the advice you asked for. Edited January 12, 2011 by Steadfast Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 There is no way a person could cheat in such a disgusting way Cheating is disgusting period. get caught in such a way, expect a kinder reaction, and then believe that they are some kind of victim. I really find it hard to believe that someone could be that selfish and simple all at once. Everytime a cheater/OM/OW posts here all of them look for validation for their destructive actions. And besides I've seen worse than this anyway. If this story is real, hopefully the husband will follow through on his claim to divorce her and find someone else who knows to keep their legs closed while he serves his country. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I want to suck it up but how am I supposed to help him heal if he yells at me over the phone, sounding like he's going to hit me? I do feel bad, and I'm trying to shut off my feelings for OM, but I can't do that in a short amount of time. I'm a woman and I'm trying to adjust here. Don't try to help him right now. And, you know he isn't going to hit you, he loves you THAT is why he is hurting. You broke his heart and now he is no trust in you. You need to take time and do some reading in this section so you can understand your H's mindset. I will go look for some links and post them so you can read other's stories, see how a betrayed spouse feels after finding about their husbands/wives affairs. Take the time to sit down and really read, try to understand what HE is going through. Noone expects you to get over your OM immediately, you're going to go through withdrawal and sadness..That is why I suggested you go seek counselling to help you cope with this, just make sure the person you talk to is a marriage counsellor, so when your H is ready, he can join you, and/or he can go alone too.. This has nothing to do with you being a woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author claraj Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 Don't try to help him right now. And, you know he isn't going to hit you, he loves you THAT is why he is hurting. You broke his heart and now he is no trust in you. You need to take time and do some reading in this section so you can understand your H's mindset. I will go look for some links and post them so you can read other's stories, see how a betrayed spouse feels after finding about their husbands/wives affairs. Take the time to sit down and really read, try to understand what HE is going through. Noone expects you to get over your OM immediately, you're going to go through withdrawal and sadness..That is why I suggested you go seek counselling to help you cope with this, just make sure the person you talk to is a marriage counsellor, so when your H is ready, he can join you, and/or he can go alone too.. This has nothing to do with you being a woman. Okay thanks. Kinda hard finding good advice when I see so much bitterness coming at me from all sides. You're one of the few peeps that at least understand my position. I have been reading this infidelity section for about an hour so I'm already reading a few stories. I will try to understand him as much as I can. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 This thread has to be fake. There is no way a person could cheat in such a disgusting way, get caught in such a way, expect a kinder reaction, and then believe that they are some kind of victim. I really find it hard to believe that someone could be that selfish and simple all at once. OP, if this is real Bentnotbroken is not being mean to you so stop acting like a victim Let's not assume this thread is fake. She's still here and posting. And, she's in an affair fog and needs time for reality to sink in. Bent is a supportive person and a friend of mine too, so if she comes off harsh its' only because she cares. The advice she can give you is golden, as well as some others. Take time to re-read your thread every few days from the beginning and focus on the advice, not how it is delivered. Link to post Share on other sites
Author claraj Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 Let's not assume this thread is fake. She's still here and posting. And, she's in an affair fog and needs time for reality to sink in. Bent is a supportive person and a friend of mine too, so if she comes off harsh its' only because she cares. The advice she can give you is golden, as well as some others. Take time to re-read your thread every few days from the beginning and focus on the advice, not how it is delivered. Okay I will try. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/ After you read his thread, click on his username, find more threads by and you can follow along. this is just one of many. It's heart wrenching, but something you need to read to really 'get' where your husband is right now. Link to post Share on other sites
carrie999 Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I know what I've done was wrong but he wasn't there for me a lot. He just came back from doing secret jobs for a U.S. agency for almost a year with minimal contact. I just couldn't handle the pain of being alone. I called my co-worker 30 minutes ago and told him I was sorry he got hit in his jaw but I can't do the affair no more. He said fine angrily then hung up. I don't know why some of you people are so bitter and mean. Can't you just understand my situation and have empathy? Considering I've been in an affair, I want to empathize. An affair is always a complete betrayal and HORRIBLE for a BS to discover, whether they find out by following a trail of communication or actually walking in on the physical part. Before I had an affair, and since I have, I still maintain that while ANY of this would be hurtful and probably unforgivable, I might be able to salvage some resolve to make the relationship work if he was appropriately apologetic and honest, or at least salvage some shred of my dignity. But walking in on him with AP? And IN YOUR MARITAL BED?!?! That, to me, is the ultimate "F-U." It would be horrendous enough discovering them in my own home, but in the marital bed? I'm sorry- to me, you should have been prepared for him to file divorce papers the minute a lawyer was available. Link to post Share on other sites
JustJoe Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I'm sorry, but I've got to go with IKJH on this one. This is really too buffoonish to be real. No adult woman, who has carried on a secret 9 month affair, could possibly be, in turns, smart enough to do it, and stupid enough to have posted these posts. This is the work of a very talented troll. Link to post Share on other sites
JustJoe Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Secret Jobs for a U.S. Agency? Marital bed? "Feared for his life"? "Show me some empathy? NOBODY talks like that 30 minutes after being caught effing the neighbor and have a punch-up. This crap is right out of some Romance novel. It's really amusing, though. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I do have to wonder why anyone cares whether a post is real or not. Link to post Share on other sites
JustJoe Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 DOT, I'm sure you're right. It's just a way of getting people to vent. Link to post Share on other sites
stupidgurl Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Well, HONEY, you are MARRIED, and unless something's changed in the past few days, that means you PROMISED to be faithful to your husband. You PROMISED this in front of your family, his family, friends and GOD. I'm sure nowhere in your vows did it state that you would be faithful only until you were lonely,empty, and horny and he wasn't around to "fill" you. If your house has been empty for years, why do you want to reconcile? If it's so bad, just GO. If it was so bad and you were so pitifully neglected, you at least owed him leaving him before you screwed someone else. You are the most selfish person I've ever seen post here. Good luck, HONEY. You're definitely gonna need it. Link to post Share on other sites
September Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Hmmmm, I also wonder about this thread...it was something about calling the poster's "peeps" that got the curiosity going Hey Bent, are you feeling okay? I think you are showing favouritism! If this thread is legitimate, you haven't received anything harsh from Bent at all, some of her statements are pure gold and I should know, I've been on the receiving end of some of them! Oh Bent, you let me down... Link to post Share on other sites
dont-be-naive Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Okay thanks. Kinda hard finding good advice when I see so much bitterness coming at me from all sides. you are hearing from people that are in your husband's shoes. If you don't care about what your husband is thinking, then what can I say. bitter? does it really take bitterness to see that what you did may not leave any room for reconciliation? I mean for god's sake, your H CAUGHT YOU SCREWING ANOTHER MAN IN HIS BED!!!! I never told my X to "F off" or "F you". So if you think me or anyone else is bitter here, then this should give you a clue into what your husband is feeling. but like I said, if you don't care what he is feeling, then what can I say? your husband now has to worry about what man you will be having sex with in his bed when he leaves for work abroad again. he will not be happy married to someone like you. that I can guarantee. Link to post Share on other sites
dont-be-naive Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I do have to wonder why anyone cares whether a post is real or not. because it makes them wonder if they are wasting their time responding to someone that posted something in a section where mostly people that have been betrayed hang out, only to piss them off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author claraj Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 Okay just to address all of those who feel my story is fake, it's not. I'm telling the truth. I'm not going to spill out all of my personal information on an internet forum. I work as an automobile salesperson for Ford in the midwest of the United States. Been working there for 6 years. If you don't believe me, tough luck on your part. I'm done trying to defend myself against people on here who just want to attack me. I know what I've done is wrong and I'm willing to try and fix the sh*t I've created. Dreamingoftigers, I've just ordered After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring from Borders online so I will read it after I get it from the Borders near my house. Whichwayisup I have read the thread you posted and countless others in the past 14 hours. I was very surprised at what DazednConfused went through, especially the part where he found a letter from his wife at work. That honestly shook me. Well husband wants to meet with me at his parent's house to talk so I will post again soon. Link to post Share on other sites
JustJoe Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Sorry, but I think you're a troll. Link to post Share on other sites
Linda9999 Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Certainly a very involved troll, if she is one. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I don't think she is a troll. It is pretty common for women in affairs to have this entitled attitude where they have empathy at all for the person they betrayed. Link to post Share on other sites
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