Confessed and Ended Affair yesterday

[cyabye]

I don't really care if you buy it or not. It's my life and I too tired to try to prove anything to someone that doesn't know me at all.

 

Then why are you posting here if you don't want to hear the opinions (whether acceptable to you or not)? I agree with redcurls. If you truly loved your husband, you would NOT of had an affair. PERIOD. Your husband knows this already. His emotions are so high right now he does not know what to do with them (yet).

 

There is a reason WHY you went back to your husband and it's not because you had an epiphany or realization you love your husband (your affair was for 4 months...prob longer). You planned and plotted meeting with this OM with NO concern for your husband. Does that sound like love? The only person I see you loving here is YOURSELF! Nuff said.

 

cya

[woinlove]

I don't really care if you buy it or not. It's my life and I too tired to try to prove anything to someone that doesn't know me at all.

 

It seems from stories here and elsewhere that many cheating spouses never confess and when they are caught, even those who say they want to stay married, often still seem conflicted about their feelings for the spouse and the affair partner. You confessed and say you love and are committed to your H, so I don't see any reason to doubt that.

 

However, what you did was certainly not loving and may show some limitation in your ability to love another - I think this is true for many who cheat. Also, it may happen again, either with your H or with a new partner, unless you really change. Counselling can help you understand why you cheated, what kind of person you want to be, and how you will become that person. In the process you may learn to both love yourself more and love others more. While there is no reason to delay looking into counselling for both you and your H, I would also recommend doing what you can to help you and your H get some sleep.

[anne1707]

Janey

 

You are getting some flak here but please don't let it push you away from LS. When I came here, I got more than my share of criticism but to be honest I deserved most of it. I will also add that some of those who gave me the hardest time now do recognise that when I said I wanted to be with my H and would do what it takes, I meant it. If you and your H really do want to reconcile, it is possible.

[cyabye]

Btw, you have NO clue how much devastation you brought upon your husband. He will NEVER be the same again. NEVER. I've been in his shoes and not one day goes by w/o thinking of what my ex did to me and our family. Everyday with you will be torture for him. He will not get the images of you and this OM out of his mind.

 

The anger and resentment will set in (so be prepared). Right now he is in "emotional shock". I doubt you will "love" and "care" about him enough to nurse his emotional wounds that you inflicted. There will be no trust.....not fully. NEVER. He knows what you are capable of. He knows you were willing to risk everything (his health too) to cheat. Another sad situation. Seems to be the trend these days....

 

cya

[Fight4Me]

fBW here. It is very common to show signs of wanting to work it out and then immediately flip-flop and say "no way," so you need to be the strong one and weather whatever mood he throws at you. When he says he doesn't recognize you and wants the old you back, he is mourning a marriage that seems to have been a lie.

 

While it may not seem like it, he will be gauging your reactions to a lot of things. If you even hint at shifting blame for what you did onto marital circumstances, you may as well pound the nails in your own coffin. Whatever was amiss before the affair can be addressed later, but right now, you need to focus on the fact that you chose a piss-poor coping strategy. You could have asked for a divorce.... anything but this.

 

Have you written a NC letter to the OM? You will need to, and make it short and to the point, then let your BH read it before sending. If/when the OM attempts contact, go straight to your husband and show him.

 

My fWH would tell me, "she just tried texting me. I'll give you the option of opening and reading it or just deleting." Those things, consistently over time, rebuilt my trust in him. Your BH may not seem to want to check your phone right now, but leave it out in the open where he could if he wanted to. Take the initiative and write down all accounts and passwords and give them to him. If he says he doesn't want them, then just put them in a drawer and tell him that if he changes his mind, they're there anyway.

 

Listen to those of us who have been there, either as fBS or fWS. Not all will have reconciled successfully, but there's a lot of wisdom. You'll also hear from OW/OM who will challenge your thinking, some in a good way, some in an unhealthy way. Take the good, toss the rest.

 

I will happily pray that your marriage not only recovers, but becomes a new and better one than either of you thought possible. Hang in there. You're about to go through a baptism of fire, but if you hold fast, it will be worth it.

[lkjh]

One thing I never understood is why women say they want to fight for their marriage after they cheated. You should have fought for it before you broke your vows. That statement just sounds like something a cake eater would say. You wanted to have your fun and now you want to work on your marriage.

 

 

OP, can you give us more details about your affair? Like how you met the OM and stuff like that. If the OM is someone your H knows he probably won't get over it

[Woggle]

Not that the OM was right but in the end he never put a gun to your head and this what you need to realize. If you want to work on your marriage you need to realize that you did this and you are responsible for how things are right now.

[alexandria35]

You ended the affair and you confessed to your husband. I want to give you some credit for that because that's a heck of a lot more than a lot of cheaters do. Seriously, how many posters have we had here who just flat out refuse to tell their spouse the truth? Or who refuse to stop having contact with their affair partner? Lots!

 

So I think the fact that you ended the affair and told your husband the truth was not only the right thing to do but it was also be helpful to you and your husband's future even if the marriage doesn't survive. What happened with the OM? How did you meet him and how did it end? When did the relationship turn into an affair? Was it really just guilt that made you end the affair or did something specific happen that led to the ending? If your husband wants to reconcille he is probably going to have a lot of questions like this for you.

 

I'm no expert but I would guess that your husband is going to be on an emotional rollercoaster for several months. I'm guessing you should just take your cues from him. Talk when he needs to talk, give him space when he needs space, etc. Don't ever blame him for your actions and don't blame the OM. I also think the OM is a slime but it will do you no good to blame him now. You are at the very beginning of a very long and hard and road to travel. I wish you and your husband the best in whatever the outcome is.

[JustJoe]

Janey, I'm going to take a different tack here and say that BEFORE you can help your husband, you MUST help yourself first. You have straddled the fence between marriage and an affair and realize that it's going nowhere. Some posters seem to think that marriage is the be all and end all of human relationships, well it's not. You have to decide what is best for you, in order for you to give your whole-hearted commitment to either healing the marriage or ending the marriage, and starting over. You must find out what your marriage lacked, or what YOU lacked, that caused you to turn to another man. Look inside yourself and honestly try to understand your wants and needs. Then you will be able to commit to a course of action. Your Husband needs to do the same. From your posts it does seem that your marriage wasn't a healthy one, and the OM was a symptom of this. Those posters who believe that the OM is some kind of evil person and that he caused you to cheat, are deluding themselves. That the marriage would be alright if the OM hadn't seduced you away from your true loyalty to your husband, are trying to avoid taking responsibility for their contributions to an unhealty situation. Bottom line is, that You can't cheat in a healthy marriage. If the marriage is a good one it will stand, if not, it will fall. Was your marriage good? No, because you cheated. Where did it break down? Only you and your husband can say, and perhaps you will need some professional help to understand where both of you failed and where both of you need to be, to have a healthy relationship. You cheated, own it, and move on to a better understanding of yourself. Your husband contributed to the bad situation, he needs to own that, and move on to a better understanding of himself This is a bad situation, and it took all three of you, the OM, you, and your husband, to make it so. If you find that you want to reconcile, then the OM has no part in that. If you find that you will not be happy in your marriage and that you have true feelings for the OM , AND THEY ARE RECIPROCATED, then you need to end the marriage and start over.

[Spark1111]

I think the reason I liked a scumbag is because I hated myself. He was more on my level while I lived a lie. I know that I am better than who I was. I know I have a lot of work to do but I could have kept going and lying and deceiving and having my cake and eating it too, but my heart wouldn't let me do it anymore. I missed my husband and knew I'd never have a chance to rebuild what I had with him at one time if I didn't end the affair and confess it. I could never end it and not tell him because it would eat me away with guilt and I'd be no good to anyone. I was no good to anyone the last 4 months. My relationship with OM sucked the life out of my relationships with everyone else in my life. I wasn't sure how my H would react and I was not prepared for what has happened. At this point all I can do is be here and do what he wants me to do. I do have a question. If he says that he doesn't think he can work this out and that he's no good to me now, is it ok for me to say we can work it out and I willinging to do whatever it takes? When I told him he just gets upset again. He literally thinks I'm a different person, that the woman he married is dead. I don't know how to react to that or what to do. He can't stand to look at me and I wonder if I should ask him if I should stay with my parents for a while? I feel so lost and helpless right now. I can't sleep at all. I've been awake probably 43 hours of the last 48. My stomach is burning. My whole body aches with pain. He's going through the same and worse. He can't sleep and he hurts. It's the worst burden in the world to carry to know that I turned our world upside down. My husband's pain and my pain are the consequences of my betrayal. I'm not going to condemn myself anymore. I am going to do my best to make this marriage work and if it doesn't, I will do my best to live with integrity and hope.

 

Start reading Janey! And congratulations on confessing your affair. That must have taken tremendous courage on your part!

 

There is a wealth of information on how to heal from infidelity on the web. Get to IC (Individual counseling) and start to learn the why of what you did.

 

Keep reassuring your H of your remorse and your willingness to change to be a better wife. You cannot apologize often enough.

 

But never make it an "I'm sorry, but...." Do not justify in any way to your H. Let him know where you are and who you are with every moment. It is called total transparency.

 

He will be on a roller coaster for quite a while and so will you. The first stage is shock, which is where he is now. Read up on Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. It is what we BSs experience and it is real and painful. He is still numb to it and you right now. It is a protection from feeling the true pain, both physically and psychically.

 

You cannot assume what his decision will be regarding the marriage. And he may not know for a very long time what he will decide.

 

But every day you can be the very best person you can be.

 

Good luck to you. I wish you peace.

[alexandria35]

Janey, I'm going to take a different tack here and say that BEFORE you can help your husband, you MUST help yourself first. You have straddled the fence between marriage and an affair and realize that it's going nowhere. Some posters seem to think that marriage is the be all and end all of human relationships, well it's not. You have to decide what is best for you, in order for you to give your whole-hearted commitment to either healing the marriage or ending the marriage, and starting over. You must find out what your marriage lacked, or what YOU lacked, that caused you to turn to another man. Look inside yourself and honestly try to understand your wants and needs. Then you will be able to commit to a course of action. Your Husband needs to do the same. From your posts it does seem that your marriage wasn't a healthy one, and the OM was a symptom of this. Those posters who believe that the OM is some kind of evil person and that he caused you to cheat, are deluding themselves. That the marriage would be alright if the OM hadn't seduced you away from your true loyalty to your husband, are trying to avoid taking responsibility for their contributions to an unhealty situation. Bottom line is, that You can't cheat in a healthy marriage. If the marriage is a good one it will stand, if not, it will fall. Was your marriage good? No, because you cheated. Where did it break down? Only you and your husband can say, and perhaps you will need some professional help to understand where both of you failed and where both of you need to be, to have a healthy relationship. You cheated, own it, and move on to a better understanding of yourself. Your husband contributed to the bad situation, he needs to own that, and move on to a better understanding of himself This is a bad situation, and it took all three of you, the OM, you, and your husband, to make it so. If you find that you want to reconcile, then the OM has no part in that. If you find that you will not be happy in your marriage and that you have true feelings for the OM , AND THEY ARE RECIPROCATED, then you need to end the marriage and start over.

 

Not one poster has said that the OM made her cheat..not one. I think cheating is wrong and I think both parties (MP and AP) are responsible for the wrong they each did. I think most people feel this way but for some reason whenever an OW/OM hear anyone say anything negative about the actions of the AP then they say the wrong person is being blamed. Umm..no. Both are being blamed as individuals.

[Distant78]

You must find out what your marriage lacked, or what YOU lacked, that caused you to turn to another man. Look inside yourself and honestly try to understand your wants and needs. Then you will be able to commit to a course of action.

 

It was selfishness. There's no other reason behind it.

 

Your Husband needs to do the same.

 

He doesn't need to do anything, except healing his wounds and considering divorce.

 

Those posters who believe that the OM is some kind of evil person and that he caused you to cheat, are deluding themselves.

 

lol. And who said that the evil OM, which he is by the way, caused her to cheat? Both of them are at fault.

 

Your husband contributed to the bad situation, he needs to own that, and move on to a better understanding of himself.

 

He doesn't need to own anything regarding her affair. She did that herself.

 

and it took all three of you, the OM, you, and your husband, to make it so.

 

What? No. Not the three of them. Just OM and WW.

[Snowflower]

Janey, welcome to LS!

 

I was in your husband's place, almost verbatim...from the length of the affair, to the confession, to a few other things that you mentioned...like not being able to look at the cheating spouse in the face. I think my H could have written your posts 2 years ago. They are THAT similar.

 

From what you post so far, it sounds like you are mostly on the right track. Don't assume that what your husband is saying and doing right NOW will be how he feels tonight, tomorrow, or next week. He is in shock and all over the place emotionally. So if he is not asking for details right now, it doesn't mean that he won't ask for them in the future. I remember telling my husband to not tell me more than I was asking, especially in those first few weeks. For some reason, I was terrified of TMI at that point.

 

There are some really awesome fBS and fWS here on LS who will be able to help you with their first-hand experience. Some have already chimed in on this thread.

 

Unfortunately, there will be others, some other fWS, fBS and APs who will immediately give you flack and take issue with things you post. The harsh posters can give you food for thought and some good points to ponder. However, some of these posters will also tend to use you as an emotional punching bag for their own issues.

 

Ignore what you don't find helpful or is hurtful in any post. For some reason, a WW (wayward wife) seems to catch the most flack here. You have enough to deal with IRL to worry about the potentially hurtful non-applicable things that are said sometimes. Concentrate on your own truth.

 

Anyway, I hope you keep posting. But get some sleep first. It is almost impossible to deal with difficult emotional matters when you've had no sleep. Everything seems more difficult when we are tired.

Edited January 10, 2011 by Snowflower

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I am naive and what strikes me is that you basically said you two put no effort in to the marriage, focused on the children and (maybe I'm reading between the lines) had no physical or emotional intimacy.

 

And surprise you let an affair happen, but your husband did nothing to dissuade you or make you feel like a loved spouse.

 

And let me guess you did nothing to let him know either. Was he an active parent and in addition working and carrying the lions share financially (yes being sexist)?

 

I am blaming both of you, but also understand, you happily let it happen and did nothing to stop it and your husband was an unwilling accomplice (or completely oblivious to what was happening around him).....

Edited January 10, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic

[Spark1111]

I am naive and what strikes me is that you basically said you two put no effort in to the marriage, focused on the children and (maybe I'm reading between the lines) had no physical or emotional intimacy.

 

And surprise you let an affair happen, but your husband did nothing to dissuade you or make you feel like a loved spouse.

 

And let me guess you did nothing to let him know either. Was he an active parent and in addition working and carrying the lions share financially (yes being sexist)?

 

I am blaming both of you, but also understand, you happily let it happen and did nothing to stop it and your husband was an unwilling accomplice (or completely oblivious to what was happening around him).....

 

TDP....he told him how lonely she felt and asked they both go to counseling. He refused.

 

I did the same thing with my spouse, he refused, but then went onto have an affair!

 

Go figure.

[Spark1111]

One thing I never understood is why women say they want to fight for their marriage after they cheated. You should have fought for it before you broke your vows. That statement just sounds like something a cake eater would say. You wanted to have your fun and now you want to work on your marriage.

 

 

OP, can you give us more details about your affair? Like how you met the OM and stuff like that. If the OM is someone your H knows he probably won't get over it

 

Men do the same thing too! It is not gender specific.

[NoLongerSad]

Actually my H never did this or even asked to do it and we are still together (and because of his IT skills, he could very easily have done so with or without my passwords). Every case is different - but if he wants access, he should have access.

 

 

If his IT skills are superior...there's no way you'd know.

[anne1707]

If his IT skills are superior...there's no way you'd know.

 

True. But seeing as you have accused my H and I of being the same person, does it really matter

[Toodamnpragmatic]

TDP....he told him how lonely she felt and asked they both go to counseling. He refused.

 

I did the same thing with my spouse, he refused, but then went onto have an affair!

 

Go figure.

 

Missed that, but again we have the same situation where I really don't feel sorry for the husband as he ignored the problem and buried his head in the sand.

 

Think of this dialogue:

 

"Dear I'm unhappy with our marriage and want you and I to see a counselor"

 

"I refuse"

 

"Okay, then I'll have an affair, and then when I come clean we can decide the next move"

 

"Okay dear. Thanks for the warning";)

[NoLongerSad]

True. But seeing as you have accused my H and I of being the same person, does it really matter

 

Obviously, it matters to you that you believe your h would have been open with you if had in fact monitored your computer etc. usage (e.g. "snooped" on you); or else you would not have bothered to mention it.

 

It also, evidently, matters to you that you are able to present yourself, to others, and to be perceived by others, as someone who was previously unfaithful, but has now regained the trust of their betrayed spouse sufficiently to where that betrayed spouse does not feel compelled to secretly monitor your behavior.

 

Given the amount of mutual monitoring, interaction and control you and he apparently have and exert upon each other, in terms of message board posting/computer usage, and to which you have also made a passing reference about a discussion which occurred in some other thread (giving me reasonable cause to question whether, in that thread, one or the other of you was posting as both of you in that thread), and given that you have no way of really knowing one way or the other, and esp. given the fact that you did cheat on him for three full years, by your own admission, it could certainly be the case that he monitors, or has monitored, your usage in a way which you were unable to discern. This is not to say that he always does, or that he still does, but if he is an IT pro, I am sure he has access to effective key loggers etc. and knows how to use them without your detection. Now of course you could use counter intelligence techniques, such as scans and so forth that might be able to detect key loggers being used by others; but that would simply mean that neither of you really trusts the other.

 

So, the bottom line is: you don't really know.

Edited January 10, 2011 by NoLongerSad

[anne1707]

Obviously, it matters to you that you believe your h would have been open with you if had in fact monitored your computer etc. usage (e.g. "snooped" on you); or else you would not have bothered to mention it.

 

Sigh....

 

It does not matter to me at all. As it is, my H knows my passwords etc and I have nothing to hide. In the aftermath of Dday, I would not have blamed my H at all if he "snooped" and would not have been angry or hurt either.

 

 

It also, evidently, matters to you that you are able to present yourself, to others, and to be perceived by others, as someone who was previously unfaithful, but has now regained the trust of their betrayed spouse sufficiently to where that betrayed spouse does not feel compelled to secretly monitor your behavior.

 

I have regained my H's trust which is the way it should be so long after dday if the marriage is to work. The reason why I have stayed on LS is in some ways as payback for the help I received when I first came here. There are so many naysayers on here who say marriages cannot recover after an affair but this is wrong. I just hope I can make posts which helps others to deal with their situation. My experience can make my contribution at times very relevant.

 

 

Given the amount of mutual monitoring, interaction and control you and he apparently have and exert upon each other, in terms of message board posting/computer usage,

 

There is absolutely no monitoring whatsoever. This is just an absurd accusation. Seeing as we are both sitting on the same sofa with our separate laptops , we talk about things which we see which interests us and that's all it amounts to.

 

and to which you have also made a passing reference about a discussion which occurred in some other thread (giving me reasonable cause to question whether, in that thread, one or the other of you was posting as both of you in that thread),

 

You made a bizarre accusation in that other thread suggesting that Wuggle and I were the same person. As a relative newcomer to LS, I shall just assume that you have not realised that generally he and I rarely post in the same thread or even the same forums plus we have very different posting styles. Those who have been around LS longer than you recognise us as two different individuals. Seem to remember some of your posts got deleted in that thread too....

 

and given that you have no way of really knowing one way or the other, and esp. given the fact that you did cheat on him for three full years, by your own admission, it could certainly be the case that he monitors, or has monitored, your usage in a way which you were unable to discern.

 

 

I never at any stage said that he hadn't monitored my email etc. What I did say was that he easily could. Do you want me to ask Wuggle to post and let you know whether he has monitored/monitors my email? Oh no sorry that would be a waste of time because you would never believe it was him.

[anne1707]

This is not to say that he always does, or that he still does, but if he is an IT pro, I am sure he has access to effective key loggers etc. and knows how to use them without your detection. Now of course you could use counter intelligence techniques, such as scans and so forth that might be able to detect key loggers being used by others; but that would simply mean that neither of you really trusts the other.

 

So, the bottom line is: you don't really know.

 

Problem is for you - we do trust each other

[NoLongerSad]

I had been involved in a 4 month affair until last week.

 

Usually after this length of time there is a catalyst of some kind which causes one of the parties to end the affair, or at least try to. Often it's getting discovery/busted. In this case, it wasn't that. But, you don't actually say what made you decide to suddenly end things after four months.

 

In any relationship, after a few months, the initial excitement usually--not always, but usually-- starts to wear down. The intense hormonal/sexual high is not quite so intense after several months of same ol same ol.

 

So, what happened? What "turned you off" to your OM? What was your epiphany?

 

 

I knew I couldn't keep living a double life.

 

Well this is a cliche. What I would like to know, is what thought or event or observation triggered your epiphany that the double life you had been living, was no longer desirable to you? Unless you get more specific about this, I am going to put my money on the prosaic, and guess that you just started getting bored of the OM after a while.

 

 

 

I have a husband and two young children. It was killing me.

 

I think this is one of the statements that might cause some people to question how candid you are being. It couldn't possibly have been killing you to have the affair, it must have been thrilling you, not killing you.

 

You know, it might be very helpful to you if you can get to a point where you can be absolutely honest about what you were actually feeling, and not think you have to say things to avoid disapproval of others.

 

If you are like most people in your situation, you LOVED having your affair. (You still love your OM, right?) It was hot, it was naughty, it was exciting, it was sexy, it was fun....all those things that you thought were probably lacking in your marriage, you were just "mom", not "hot sexy chick" in your marriage, right?

 

Dealing with the consequences of what you did may be "killing" you. But the affair itself could not possibly have. It must have been a very enjoyable experience for you, and you need to face up to that.

 

It's very very easy for us to avoid the temptation of engaging in horrible experiences. We don't need much effort to learn not to put our hands in a burning flame. It's much more difficult to avoid eating that second piece of chocolate cake.

 

See, being mature means that you know how to avoid the temptations for a larger purpose. But in order to learn how to do that, you have to at least admit that the temptation you are trying to avoid is something that you want very much.

 

 

I am in love with OM but I realized I love my H more so I had to confess because I didn't think I had to strength to end the affair without confessing.

 

This is another statement that is really puzzling. OM is just some guy you had an affair with for four months, right? You don't state that he is someone you knew and had an emotional relationship with prior to the affair, someone you have a history with. So, if the affair just started four months ago, and you decided to dump him abruptly, where is "love" coming from?

 

I am going to take another wild guess that OM may be someone that you knew for quite a while prior to your sexual affair. Usually these things escalate from the emotional to the physical. Is it possible you were involved in an emotional affair with this guy before it turned physical? If not, if he were basically a stranger, I don't get why you would be in love with him. Four months is a long time but it's not THAT long so that you would have fallen in love with the OM for some reason during the course of the physical affair. The only way you could love this guy is if you loved him BEFORE you ever had sex with him. Also, the way you warned your h that you were going to have an affair if things in the marriage didn't improve, probably means you had your OM in mind already at that point.

 

The other puzzling part is where you thought you couldn't end it without confessing? But there's no explanation for it? Why would you put the burden on your h of being the one to stop you from continuing your affair (which is what you are implying here)? I'm not buying that. I think this was supposed to be an exit affair but you're ambivalent about it because OM didn't turn out to be all that you thought he was going to be.

 

 

So here I am. The last 24 hours have been a blur of pain and agnony.

 

But, I don't get where the agony is coming from? Usually when people admit stuff like this, it's a big relief to finally open up about it. What's causing your pain and agony?

 

 

Maybe more so for my H.

 

"Maybe"? Why is there any doubt that your H's pain and agony isn't infinitely more than yours?

 

 

My H will not talk to me right now. He asked a few questions yesterday - who, where, how often and he didn't want many details. It hurts to my core to not be to comfort him or for him to comfort me.

 

I can understand why he's unable to comfort you; but what's stopping you from comforting him?

 

 

 

He was always the one I'd have when things go wrong in my life. Now I've done him wrong. I just want to hear from any BS or fWS how to deal with this best? It is all so raw right now? Is there anything I can do to help him?

 

If you've ever done anything like this before in your relationship--any sort of fooling around, emotional relationship, noodling around, anything, with any other guy (or girl) EVER--you've got to come clean. Get it all out on the table. This includes since the very first day you ever met your h, even if you were not going out with him. If you have ever lied to him about anything, at all, now is when you have to come clean. It doesn't even have to be relationship-related but those aspects are especially important.

 

If you have ever cheated on any other boyfriend before, no matter how innocuous the level of prior cheating was, you have to tell your h about it. You have to be a completely factual and emotional open book. Even if he doesn't ask.

 

The only way to save this marriage, and frankly it's a long shot no matter how you slice it, is to completely disclose EVERYTHING.

 

And by the way--if you're going to claim that this is the very first time you've done any kind of cheating on any partner you've ever had--I won't say I don't believe you; but I will ask you, "What made you finally decided to cheat NOW? For the very first time in your live?"

[stillafool]

I am sorry this happened to your family. I too have to give you credit for ending the affair and confessing to your husband. So many people just try to brush it under the rug and hope they can stop seeing their affair partner. It took alot of courage on your part to do that. I think you should express to your husband how you feel in writing. Just right everything down and hand him the letter. He will read it when he has the strength.

[NoLongerSad]

Sigh....

 

It does not matter to me at all.

 

That's fine, you are free not to discuss those things which don't matter to you. If you choose to discuss them, they are part of the discussion, and you can't prohibit other people in the thread from responding to your claims in the context of giving advice to others.

 

 

As it is, my H knows my passwords etc and I have nothing to hide. In the aftermath of Dday, I would not have blamed my H at all if he "snooped" and would not have been angry or hurt either.

 

Earlier in this thread, you posted the following in response to Fryfish:

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by FryFish

Him not wanting to check your emails and such is a sign that he hasnt decided if he wants to remain with you...

Actually my H never did this or even asked to do it and we are still together (and because of his IT skills, he could very easily have done so with or without my passwords). Every case is different - but if he wants access, he should have access.

 

He didn't ask for your passwords and has no desire to check your emails, and he's never snooped on you, but he has your passwords. O.K. You gave him your passwords because 1) he trusted you and 2) had no desire to check your emails 3) even though he didn't even need your passwords?

 

Listen, even if you gave him passwords, it would be easy enough if you wanted (easy enough for anyone in fact) to have secret email accounts, secret cell phones, etc. So it doesn't establish anything one way or the other.

 

The point is, you were trying to establish credibility in this thread not by the actual content of the advice you were posting, which may or may not be good advice; but rather, by making the claim that you are a trustworthy person because according to you, your husband trusts you; and we know this because he doesn't snoop on you.

 

ALL I pointed out was that if, as you claim, he's an IT guy and doesn't even need your passwords to do so, there's no way you would really be able to know whether he's snooping on you or not. No, no one really cares if he is or not; but the point is, whether he is or is not, has no bearing on whether you're a trustworthy person. You may or may not be. This obviously applies to anyone similarly situated to you, but you were the one who chose to use your own situation as an example.

 

If you now say you don't care whether he snoops on you or not, then what was the point of bringing it up in the first place? Of course you care. Because if he's snooping on you, then he doesn't trust you. But now you say you don't care if your husband trusts you or not?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have regained my H's trust which is the way it should be so long after dday if the marriage is to work.

 

Oh OK you do care if he trust you or not. That's what I thought. That was the point you were trying to make by saying he doesn't snoop on you.

 

 

The reason why I have stayed on LS is in some ways as payback for the help I received when I first came here. There are so many naysayers on here who say marriages cannot recover after an affair but this is wrong. I just hope I can make posts which helps others to deal with their situation. My experience can make my contribution at times very relevant.

 

I think everything you are saying is very helpful and relevant because it's exemplary of what I consider to be a pretty typical way of thinking about things among WSs and FWSs, and a way of thinking that can make it incredibly difficult for the BS to work through to repair the marriage, even if they sincerely want to.

 

It's not just the sex and the cheating per se. It's the type of character or personality that, in your case, would permit you to successfully pull off being unfaithful to a spouse for three years. That's a darn long time. Those sorts of manipulative behavior patterns become ingrained. You can say you turned over a new leaf and perhaps you have.

 

But as is frequently said here, it's never the same. Ever. The relationship that was, died, and a new one has to be built.

 

The mere fact that it would even be necessary in your eyes to proclaim that your h trusts you, and secondly, to deny that is what you were saying, is illustrative.

 

Your h may "trust" you as far as it goes. But if you think he "trusts" you in the same 100% way that he trusted you before you cheated on him for three years, then I think you're probably mistaken. Relationships almost never get back to that 100% trust after a long term affair. The fact that he won't necessarily TELL you that is not really relevant.

 

 

 

 

There is absolutely no monitoring whatsoever. This is just an absurd accusation. Seeing as we are both sitting on the same sofa with our separate laptops , we talk about things which we see which interests us and that's all it amounts to.

 

You're the one who initially said that your h doesn't monitor your emails, which he could if he wanted to without your knowing it (according to you, anyway). I simply pointed out the logical proposition that if he could do it without you knowing it, then you wouldn't know about it if he was doing it, unless he wanted you to. You then stated he has your emails, for what reason, we don't know, since he doesn't want to monitor you.

 

Now you're claiming I made an absurd accusation that there was monitoring going on in your relationship, that it's absolutely impossible for it to be happening. I made no claim about your relationship whatsoever--you did. You stated that he was NOT monitoring you, even while admitting that you would have no way of knowing whether he was or not. Now it turns out you're effectively looking over one another's shoulders while you post stuff? Um, O.K. (This is the same stuff that apparently you and he were doing in reference to what was being posted in the other thread.)

 

 

 

 

You made a bizarre accusation in that other thread suggesting that Wuggle and I were the same person.

 

Not bizarre at all given the fact that you were claiming to speak for him. But more specifically it appeared in that thread that perhaps one person was posting on more than one account. Since you have admitted that you apparently both have access to each others' accounts, and seem to keep track of what each other is doing on the internet, whether you call that "monitoring" or not, I don't think under the circumstances it was a totally implausible notion.

 

As a relative newcomer to LS, I shall just assume that you have not realised that generally he and I rarely post in the same thread or even the same forums plus we have very different posting styles.

 

I hope you don't think it's anyone else's job to closely monitor what you or anyone else posts on a forum. I will accept that you don't post in each other's threads very much, but you certainly did in that other thread, which is precisely what I found to be so curious.

 

 

Those who have been around LS longer than you recognise us as two different individuals. Seem to remember some of your posts got deleted in that thread too....

 

Ahem, bottom line here is you're someone who admittedly cheated on their spouse for three years, claims to have turned over a new leaf, and that's fine, but I think it's unrealistic for you to demand that anyone trusts you just on your own say-so. No matter how long you may have been posting here.

 

So you really might want to try another approach then say "trust me, trust me" because you claim to be reformed. You're altogether way too defensive about yourself anyway. If you make a claim about yourself, esp. about how trustworthy you are, don't get annoyed and angry just because someone wonders how anyone could possibly verify your claims.

 

This is precisely the dilemma (as OP will discover) that her husband is now in. She will say "trust me, trust me, I've changed" and how is he going to believe it? Because she says so? Nice, but it doesn't really work that way.

 

All you're saying is that you think your h trusts you, therefore there is hope for the OP. To be completely frank and honest, do you seriously think your h trusts you as much as if you hadn't cheated on him?

 

Don't get defensive and angry. Try to help the OP and be honest about this, it's important for her to have your honest input.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I never at any stage said that he hadn't monitored my email etc.

 

Oh OK, the reply to FryFish that I quoted says he monitored your email? The way I read it, it says your husband "never" wanted to do that. So what you're saying is that he never "wanted" to do it, but yet he did it anyway.

 

See this is the type of hair-splitting shading of facts and logic that I meant when I talked about the way (ex) cheaters/cheaters think. You only get the right answer if you ask the right question. They think "honesty" means the words coming out of their mouth can be interpreted in a manner which could plausibly be construed as being literally true, even if in context, it might be misleading.

 

When someone says my husband "never" wanted to monitor their emails, in the context of this discussion, the inference that they are trying to get people to draw is not just that he never wanted to do that, but he never DID do it. So it may be literally "true" that he never "wanted" to do it. But if he "did" actually do it, then there has to be a reason that he did actually do it.

 

 

 

What I did say was that he easily could. Do you want me to ask Wuggle to post and let you know whether he has monitored/monitors my email? Oh no sorry that would be a waste of time because you would never believe it was him.

 

He easily could, and he did. You just admitted it.

 

Was there a point you were trying to make?