Confessed and Ended Affair yesterday

[JaneyAmazed]

Revenge affairs are meant to hurt and it's intentional. Most affairs are selfish based and not thinking at all. both are bad, but I would say to purposely set out to have an affair, with the intent to make the CS suffer isn't going to save or help the marriage in the long run.

 

J, did he say he was going to, or are you afraid he will have a RA?

 

 

No, he didn't say he was at all. He has never mentioned a revenge affair. The other posters here brought it up. I've never been afraid he'd have a RA. When people here on LS started asking me what I'd do, I just tried to answer the best I could. My answer didn't set well with most, but I agree with what you just said. If he purposely set out to have an affair, it would destroy any improvements we are making in our marriage now. Even so, I try not to figure what I would do in any given situation because I really don't know until it happens.

[JaneyAmazed]

nah, it pretty much applies to ya all, but one in a billion does happen.

 

and when some of us say "once one, always one" it means that we believe the chances of someone never cheating again, or never even simply desiring to cheat, are slim.

 

sure there are exceptions, but I don't make exceptions a rule.

 

 

I love your made up statistics - one in a billion. I respect your opinion that you believe I will always be a cheater. If I felt that way though I wouldn't even try to make my marriage work. I certaintly wouldn't have wasted my time posting on LS. My husband has given me a second chance and I am going to choose to be faithful. I would love to spend the rest of my life making up for what I did to him if he'll let me. I appreciate my second chance. I have a beautiful family. I cherish my husband and my children. I never want to mess that up again.

[Snowflower]

I don't mean to speak for Janey, but when she said she probably wouldn't be able to reconcile if her BH had a revenge affair, I took it to mean that she would consider it to be evidence that he wasn't able to forgive her afterall. If that's the case, it would be natural to assume the marriage is doomed.

 

I just wanted to reiterate this because it is true, IMO. Very well said.

 

A simple case of two wrongs don't make a right.

 

Furthermore, there have been some BS here on LS who did have an RA and really regretted it. So, I don't think an RA for Janey's husband is a good solution...I'm not sure why some are suggesting it.

 

 

 

 

Janey, with that said, I do agree that you need to expect that your husband will eventually hit the anger/rage stage. He sounds a lot like me during the immediate aftermath of DDay. About six months later, I went through a period of terrible wrath and rage, and that just isn't me. We were receiving counseling from our church, but a circumstance triggered me hard and I couldn't (and didn't want to) control it. If/when that happens, the best thing you can do is take it, accept that your actions are the cause of his pain and fury. It WILL pass, but it truly is a test of your commitment to him.

 

 

Janey, I hope you're still here...I must say that your continued responses speak very well of you...to me it shows that you have the strength to see this through with your husband, which is the important thing.

 

Sure, some posters here are being really nasty, but you continue to answer them with rationality and grace. Use their posts as "practice" for when your husband reaches that anger stage--and to be completely honest, I hope for his sake, the sake of your marriage, and even for you (sounds odd, I know) that he does reach that anger stage.

 

IMO, anger is the most important part of the healing process, and it is my guess that it is even more so for men.

 

As a fBS, it took me a long time to hit my anger stage. I acted much as the same as your husband...understanding, loving, and more than willing to work on building things again with my husband, who acted much the same as you did Janey. He felt (and still does) feel awful for his decision to handle his unhappiness with his life, himself, and our marriage with the choice to have an affair.

 

However, once I got angry (and it took me about a month) my rage burned for months. I'm one of those who just simmers for a long time. Everyone at that time, from my therapist to friends who knew, wondered why I wasn't angry in those early weeks. I think sometimes outsiders expect the BS to become angry immediately, as an almost instant, expected reaction, which isn't always the case.

 

So hang on, and when you H reaches that angry stage, we are here for you. Hopefully by then you will have PM privileges and if you wish, you can PM me privately at that time. I recognize a lot of similarities between your reconciliation and mine.

 

Good luck!

[JaneyAmazed]

I just wanted to reiterate this because it is true, IMO. Very well said.

 

A simple case of two wrongs don't make a right.

 

Furthermore, there have been some BS here on LS who did have an RA and really regretted it. So, I don't think an RA for Janey's husband is a good solution...I'm not sure why some are suggesting it.

 

 

 

 

 

Janey, I hope you're still here...I must say that your continued responses speak very well of you...to me it shows that you have the strength to see this through with your husband, which is the important thing.

 

Sure, some posters here are being really nasty, but you continue to answer them with rationality and grace. Use their posts as "practice" for when your husband reaches that anger stage--and to be completely honest, I hope for his sake, the sake of your marriage, and even for you (sounds odd, I know) that he does reach that anger stage.

 

IMO, anger is the most important part of the healing process, and it is my guess that it is even more so for men.

 

As a fBS, it took me a long time to hit my anger stage. I acted much as the same as your husband...understanding, loving, and more than willing to work on building things again with my husband, who acted much the same as you did Janey. He felt (and still does) feel awful for his decision to handle his unhappiness with his life, himself, and our marriage with the choice to have an affair.

 

However, once I got angry (and it took me about a month) my rage burned for months. I'm one of those who just simmers for a long time. Everyone at that time, from my therapist to friends who knew, wondered why I wasn't angry in those early weeks. I think sometimes outsiders expect the BS to become angry immediately, as an almost instant, expected reaction, which isn't always the case.

 

So hang on, and when you H reaches that angry stage, we are here for you. Hopefully by then you will have PM privileges and if you wish, you can PM me privately at that time. I recognize a lot of similarities between your reconciliation and mine.

 

Good luck!

 

Thank you Snowflower. I know that this is not the way he'll be forever and it does scare me some, but I will almost be relieved when and if he does get angry. I mentioned this before on another post but he has always been one to bottle things up or quickly turn the page when something unpleasant (can't think of better word now) happens. He has the amazing ability to sever ties with toxic people in his life - including his own mom and sister. My biggest fear is he would see me as toxic too, and decide he has to be away from me as well. He has told me that he knows I'm a good person with a good heart and I did a horrible thing, but he said it's not unforgivable. He feels he's being obedient to God by giving me another chance. I respect him for not being selfish, but seeking to what is right. Right now he seems to only want our marriage to work. I think I know one of the reasons why he's been acting the way he lately. He'll ask every two or three days if I'M happy and wants to make sure I'LL never leave HIM. I tell him as much as I can he is the only one for me and that I should be the one worried about him leaving me. I think that's also why he initiates sex so frequently. It's like he's doing everything he can to make sure I'm happy. I guess he thinks sex makes me happy since I went elsewhere to get it. Makes sense. I keep telling him I'm not going anywhere. He could call me every name in the book, spit in my face, withhold sex for however long or whatever he wants, and I will not leave him. I am paying a price for what I did, and I will continue to pay the price as long as it takes. I do cry everyday. I cry in my car, in the shower, late at night. I can't say it enough, he did not deserve to be betrayed. I hate to see him this way, even more, I hate that I caused him to be this way. I do still have hope though. We love each other so much. There's no doubt about that. I just want to keep building him up and giving him all the support I can.

[Billy_Boy]

That's not true, but you've been off base on everything anyway...way off base. I don't take you seriously because you make up a bunch of stuff and apply it to my life as if it's fact. You are somewhat of a comic relief to my stressed out day.

 

Well I guess its good you can find the humor in your situation.

[Billy_Boy]

I dont think people take the time to really think through what an RA actually is...

 

Its pathology suggests that its not about getting whole or your dignity back... its a way of exchanging the pain of betrayal and helplessness with guilt, which is often times much easier to deal with internally then betrayal and helplessness.

 

Kind of like putting you both on the same playing field again. Regretting it, is the purpose.

[moloko]

I love your made up statistics - one in a billion. I respect your opinion that you believe I will always be a cheater.

 

I didn't say that. I did say "there are exceptions" did I not?

 

 

If I felt that way though I wouldn't even try to make my marriage work. I certaintly wouldn't have wasted my time posting on LS. My husband has given me a second chance and I am going to choose to be faithful.

 

and if he ends up having an affair, not in revenge, but for the say "reasons" you say you had one and understood "why" you had one, then you wouldn't give him the same understanding that he has given you.

 

 

I would love to spend the rest of my life making up for what I did to him if he'll let me. I appreciate my second chance. I have a beautiful family. I cherish my husband and my children. I never want to mess that up again.

 

and thats good to know because he deserves nothing less, and its good you have that attitude. most cheaters don't think they should have to spend a lifetime making things up to someone they have just handed down a life sentence to of never forgetting what they did.

 

but, for example, what if he slips into depression because of this, doesn't think he is good enough, and goes out and has a brief affair because of the emotional turmoil he feels inside(and he does feel it, don't kid yourself on that just because he seems all fine and dandy). Not talking about a revenge affair. What if he finds himself using the same circumstances and emotional situation that you found yourself in and has an affair too?

 

is it still doomed because you got to have an affair first?

[moloko]

Furthermore, there have been some BS here on LS who did have an RA and really regretted it. So, I don't think an RA for Janey's husband is a good solution...I'm not sure why some are suggesting it.

 

I don't think anyone has suggested that he do it, just that it might be something he does do later. But judging on her description of her husband, I don't think he would do that and hope he wouldn't. He doesn't need to stoop.

 

However I posed the question that if he did have an affair later that it wouldn't be out of revenge, but for the same "reasons" she had one, and that wouldn't he deserve the same chance and understanding that he is giving her?

 

But really, as much as I despise cheaters, I like the mindset Janey has towards committing herself to treating her husband the way he deserves to be treated. I just don't like the idea that she had an affair first and welcomes the 2nd chance she has been given, but she wouldn't give him the same if he found himself in an affair because of "reasons", of which she said she understood as why she found herself in one.

[What_Next]

I'm not even sure why I am still bothering to read this thread, but I am.

 

I mentioned this before on another post but he has always been one to bottle things up or quickly turn the page when something unpleasant (can't think of better word now) happens.

 

You mentioned this to me and it bothers me, boy does it bother me. You and your husband need to realize that this sort of behavior WILL NOT WORK in this case. It will not! He will eventually strike his anger stage. It is a natural human emotion. It will come. I'm not predicting doom and gloom, hell no, but it will come. Be ready, support him and let him go through it.

 

I do cry everyday. I cry in my car, in the shower, late at night. I can't say it enough, he did not deserve to be betrayed. I hate to see him this way, even more, I hate that I caused him to be this way.

 

Without coming off as harsh, GOOD! You need to remember what YOU did to him. YOU brought this onto his doorstep. YOU did that. HE had no choice. Now don't wear it like an iron cross or anything but stay in touch with the horror of what you did to him. I am speaking as a BS and one that loves his wife very much. I do love her, I most definitely do, but the depths of the pain she has brought into my life has shaken me right to my core. My wife like you Janey appears to be willing to fight the good fight, to be my side. That is dispite some of the things I did to her after D-day as well. We'll see if you both now stand up to your words. I pray you both do, because if your H is anything like me, he will be more than capable to let you go if your word is not gospel. Don't forget that for one single second.

[JaneyAmazed]

I didn't say that. I did say "there are exceptions" did I not?

 

 

 

 

and if he ends up having an affair, not in revenge, but for the say "reasons" you say you had one and understood "why" you had one, then you wouldn't give him the same understanding that he has given you.

 

 

 

 

and thats good to know because he deserves nothing less, and its good you have that attitude. most cheaters don't think they should have to spend a lifetime making things up to someone they have just handed down a life sentence to of never forgetting what they did.

 

but, for example, what if he slips into depression because of this, doesn't think he is good enough, and goes out and has a brief affair because of the emotional turmoil he feels inside(and he does feel it, don't kid yourself on that just because he seems all fine and dandy). Not talking about a revenge affair. What if he finds himself using the same circumstances and emotional situation that you found yourself in and has an affair too?

 

is it still doomed because you got to have an affair first?

 

I feel like I keep saying the same thing. I don't know what I would do if he has an affair. If, in the future, I am not providing him with what he needs emotionally and physically, and he chooses to have an affair, he will be taking a risk just as I did. I hope with all my heart I could forgive him as he has me, but if it happens, it would be the 2nd affair in our marriage, and I'm not sure how realistic it would to expect our marriage to survive another affair. Right now, I'm focusing on repairing the damage I've done. Thinking about some future affair that hasn't happened yet or never will happen isn't productive at all. I'm sorry if you don't agree.

[donnamaybe]

Right now, I'm focusing on repairing the damage I've done. Thinking about some future affair that hasn't happened yet or never will happen isn't productive at all.

You are absolutely right, so don't even listen to the folks who want to "borrow trouble" for you. Who wants to listen to a bunch of Debbie Downers anyway?

[Distant78]

I'm not sure how realistic it would to expect our marriage to survive another affair.

 

That is so wrong Janey. Your own husband who you cheated on, he gives you the gift of reconciliation and you won't even treat him with the same amount of willingness he gave you. He's in denial mode for now. Oh well this is typical so nothing new. I will carry along now. Good day to you.

[JaneyAmazed]

Without coming off as harsh, GOOD! You need to remember what YOU did to him. YOU brought this onto his doorstep. YOU did that. HE had no choice. Now don't wear it like an iron cross or anything but stay in touch with the horror of what you did to him. I am speaking as a BS and one that loves his wife very much. I do love her, I most definitely do, but the depths of the pain she has brought into my life has shaken me right to my core. My wife like you Janey appears to be willing to fight the good fight, to be my side. That is dispite some of the things I did to her after D-day as well. We'll see if you both now stand up to your words. I pray you both do, because if your H is anything like me, he will be more than capable to let you go if your word is not gospel. Don't forget that for one single second.

 

Trust me, it is good! Crying helps me heal. I have to stay in touch with the horror of what I did (on my own) because right now my husband doesn't remind me at all. I'm concerned that he thinks I should put this behind me. I'm concerned that things seem like "business as usual" around the house. He seems so normal - but I can't accept that really. The reality is three weeks ago today I was in another man's bed and he knows it. I love my husband, but I wish he'd just allow himself to get angry or yell at me or something! I think I said this in an earlier post, but him being so nice only makes me nervous about what is yet to come. I'm not sitting here wiping my forehead, saying "shewww, glad everything's ok!" No way... after reading everyone's posts about the anger stage and depression, I know what I'm probably going to deal with soon. I willing to go through anything with him because I want him to get through it and I want him to heal. I want our marriage to survive and thrive. I'm hoping IC will help him. MC will help us, but I'm more concerned about him now and his emotional and mental health.

[JaneyAmazed]

You are absolutely right, so don't even listen to the folks who want to "borrow trouble" for you. Who wants to listen to a bunch of Debbie Downers anyway?

 

 

Thank you! I've been reading some of your posts on other threads, and you rock! I respect your opinion and common sense approach to situations.

[JaneyAmazed]

That is so wrong Janey. Your own husband who you cheated on, he gives you the gift of reconciliation and you won't even treat him with the same amount of willingness he gave you. He's in denial mode for now. Oh well this is typical so nothing new. I will carry along now. Good day to you.

 

 

I like being typical if it means I'm being realistic and honest. I stopped reading your posts a while back but decided to read this one. Talk about a typical response from you...nothing new.

[donnamaybe]

Thank you! I've been reading some of your posts on other threads, and you rock! I respect your opinion and common sense approach to situations.

Awww, thanks Janey! There are many great posters on LS who also provide a good shoulder to cry on when necessary.

 

I hope your M recovers from your A. Just keep an open mind and a good attitude, even if your H's mood takes a nosedive for awhile.

 

Eyes on the prize gal!

[JaneyAmazed]

I dont think people take the time to really think through what an RA actually is...

 

Its pathology suggests that its not about getting whole or your dignity back... its a way of exchanging the pain of betrayal and helplessness with guilt, which is often times much easier to deal with internally then betrayal and helplessness.

 

Kind of like putting you both on the same playing field again. Regretting it, is the purpose.

 

So what you are saying is he should do to me exactly what I did to him so that he can feel regret and I can feel betrayal. Only then will he be able to move forward and "get his dignity back?" Since when does wanting to do something you know you will regret help you get your dignity back?

 

Again, comic relief...not about my situation, but about your twisted mind!

[Spark1111]

So what you are saying is he should do to me exactly what I did to him so that he can feel regret and I can feel betrayal. Only then will he be able to move forward and "get his dignity back?" Since when does wanting to do something you know you will regret help you get your dignity back?

 

Again, comic relief...not about my situation, but about your twisted mind!

 

Janey, I briefly though of a RA after DDAY, but not for the typical reasons.

 

I do not have a vengeful bone in my body. I just felt so ugly, undesirable, as if my love was not enough for the man I loved so he had to turn elsewhere. I thought, in my craziness, that it might make me feel better if someone desired me.

 

Thank God, it passed. But the fleeting thoughts were more for trying to shore up my badly beaten self-esteem, rather than to revenge him.

 

And as time went on and we were really starting to do well, HE became insanely jealous of......everything.

 

This, too, is completely normal if you experience this. It is called projection and is often a part of the remorseful stage.

 

My fWS realied how easy it was to lie to the face of someone who loved and trusted him during his affair...ME!

 

So now, he was looking in every shadow for the possibility of me betraying him.

[JaneyAmazed]

Awww, thanks Janey! There are many great posters on LS who also provide a good shoulder to cry on when necessary.

 

I hope your M recovers from your A. Just keep an open mind and a good attitude, even if your H's mood takes a nosedive for awhile.

 

Eyes on the prize gal!

 

 

And he is a prize!!!

 

I'll admit I used to let some of these debbie downers get to me, but I know that their opinions and accusations are based on their own experiences. They can't separate their situation from mine. I, in a sense, become every wife whose betrayed her husband. My individual circumstances, motives, actions, feelings don't mean much to them. I'm a cheater, and that's all they need to know.

[JaneyAmazed]

Janey, I briefly though of a RA after DDAY, but not for the typical reasons.

 

I do not have a vengeful bone in my body. I just felt so ugly, undesirable, as if my love was not enough for the man I loved so he had to turn elsewhere. I thought, in my craziness, that it might make me feel better if someone desired me.

 

Thank God, it passed. But the fleeting thoughts were more for trying to shore up my badly beaten self-esteem, rather than to revenge him.

 

And as time went on and we were really starting to do well, HE became insanely jealous of......everything.

 

This, too, is completely normal if you experience this. It is called projection and is often a part of the remorseful stage.

 

My fWS realied how easy it was to lie to the face of someone who loved and trusted him during his affair...ME!

 

So now, he was looking in every shadow for the possibility of me betraying him.

 

 

I totally understand this, and it breaks my heart. I don't want my husband to feel ugly and undesirable. I haven't told him this but once, but I always thought he is way better looking than xOM. He's a better lover too. I just needed attention and a connection with someone, and xOM entered the picture. I know because of what I did it still hurt his self-esteem. Thank you for giving a more realistic view of why someone would have a revenge affair. Billy Boy was saying the purpose of a revenge affair is to regret it. Clearly that's not why you thought about having one.

[BB07]

That is so wrong Janey. Your own husband who you cheated on, he gives you the gift of reconciliation and you won't even treat him with the same amount of willingness he gave you. He's in denial mode for now. Oh well this is typical so nothing new. I will carry along now. Good day to you.

 

 

This is so wrong.......Distant, that you would say this! Speaking as if Janey's husband has already had a RA when he clearly has not and as someone else said, to concentrate on what has not happened is self defeating. Janey knows it's possible and she has said over and over that she doesn't know how she would feel or how she would act, but yet you and others keep digging and digging at her, looking for anything she says as another opportunity to pick her apart.

 

You seldom miss the opportunity for a snide remark as opposed to being helpful.

 

BTW........why is it that you don't give the men who have cheated the same amount of grief that you give the women here??????

[What_Next]

Janey, you are saying all the right things, there's little doubt of that. Make no mistake if I see the need I'll hold your feet to the fire. I am not trying to take shots at you, if you have been reading my posts in other threads you'll see how I operate.

 

Spark1111 makes a good post and she found the words to say what I could not. I did not get involved in a RA of sorts (no I am not trying to drag the topic back in that direction), but I did make the mistake of geting involved with someone that had her own motivations. At the time I was feeling about as low as I could get. It didn't take much for someone else to come along and artificially prop me up. You need to be aware of the emotions your husband is going through. Please educate yourself to recognize them and help him deal with them. If you don't then the outcome could be quite negative.

 

Ignore those that want to attack you for the sake of attacking you. You won't get that from me and a lot of others here on LS. I have to say that at 3 weeks past D-day you are but a grain of sand on a beach into the journey that you must undertake.

 

Encourage your husband to treat himself, to do something HE likes. To go out and have some fun, just pure fun. Nothing over the top, just allow himself to enjoy something. It can be very helpful.

 

Keep posting.

[Distant78]

I like being typical if it means I'm being realistic and honest. I stopped reading your posts a while back but decided to read this one. Talk about a typical response from you...nothing new.

 

But see you're not even being realistic.

[Distant78]

This is so wrong.......Distant, that you would say this! Speaking as if Janey's husband has already had a RA when he clearly has not and as someone else said, to concentrate on what has not happened is self defeating. Janey knows it's possible and she has said over and over that she doesn't know how she would feel or how she would act, but yet you and others keep digging and digging at her, looking for anything she says as another opportunity to pick her apart.

 

You seldom miss the opportunity for a snide remark as opposed to being helpful.

 

I just find it disturbing that someone who was given the chance to stay won't even give their own spouse they hurt, the same courage if it happens to them. But then again it is typical for cheaters to be this way.

 

BTW........why is it that you don't give the men who have cheated the same amount of grief that you give the women here??????

 

To correct your twisting question if you're wondering whether I give the same advice to cheating men yes I do. Just look and see.

[JaneyAmazed]

Janey, you are saying all the right things, there's little doubt of that. Make no mistake if I see the need I'll hold your feet to the fire. I am not trying to take shots at you, if you have been reading my posts in other threads you'll see how I operate.

 

Spark1111 makes a good post and she found the words to say what I could not. I did not get involved in a RA of sorts (no I am not trying to drag the topic back in that direction), but I did make the mistake of geting involved with someone that had her own motivations. At the time I was feeling about as low as I could get. It didn't take much for someone else to come along and artificially prop me up. You need to be aware of the emotions your husband is going through. Please educate yourself to recognize them and help him deal with them. If you don't then the outcome could be quite negative.

 

Ignore those that want to attack you for the sake of attacking you. You won't get that from me and a lot of others here on LS. I have to say that at 3 weeks past D-day you are but a grain of sand on a beach into the journey that you must undertake.

 

Encourage your husband to treat himself, to do something HE likes. To go out and have some fun, just pure fun. Nothing over the top, just allow himself to enjoy something. It can be very helpful.

 

Keep posting.

 

 

Your advice is much appreciated. Believe me! I know I'm a grain a sand today but compared to what I was three weeks ago, I'll take it! Thank you again. About treating himself, we are going Disney World next month. It's been planned for a long time. I almost thought we might not go, but now we know we NEED to go. We need to get out of town, spend time with our kids, have fun and reconnect. We are looking forward to it. My husband is one in a million. This man I am married to has a heart of gold and my respect for him couldn't get any higher.