Doubts about LDR

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you hun, nice to hear someone else in an LDR say it's not unreasonable of me, I wouldn't even mind him not talking about it IF he said it's just cos it makes him nervous, although would be nicer if he did talk about it, even in passing. I think along with finding it overwhelming I wonder if he's being cautious too as he was left after 11 years, so maybe he worries if he moves that I might leave him in time, I don't know. Also with his ex they moved in together, if he moves to my country he knows I don't want to live together, so that makes it harder for him I'm sure, although he's not keen on the area I live and says he'd live in a nearby town 40 miles away, which sounds perfect.

I do know he has insecurities too and that I catch a glimpse of them sometimes.

I think he felt backed into a corner as he wrongly thought I was demanding a date for moving, I wasn't, so hopefully he didn't feel backed into a corner when I said no that's not what I'm after and the fact he apologised next time helped.

Part of me is still niggled after our convo, and wants to email him about it, the other part of me is wanting to let it go as things are ok at the moment and I don't want to rock the boat again as I am probably just over thinking everything and I don't think I need to stress about it.

I think I'll just see if he does ever mention it, and if he doesn't-I don't know!

Anyway, got my tickets today to go and see him, so he sounds happy about that

I've never doubted his love for me, which is something to be happy about!

Many thanks for your reply (again!), much appreciated

 

 

 

It sounds like you and your boyfriend want the same thing, the major difference is he won't talk about it anymore for whatever reason and you need that reassurance. What you're feeling isn't unrealistic at all. I'm not saying you have to talk about it everyday, but yes, every once in a while everyone needs to hear their partner make mention of their future plans together, long distance or not. It makes you feel comforted and knowing (especially in an LDR) that you're not doing all this for nothing. No, nothing is guaranteed in any kind of relationship, but I feel future plans do need to be discussed a bit more in our situations than with couples who don't have the miles between them to contend with out of necessity more than anything else. There would be no point in being together if you lived your lives separately forever.

 

With that being said, I think what you're asking him for is such a small thing to ask of someone too...I'm not sure why he felt backed into a corner. Like you said, you weren't asking for an exact date, just a time frame...and some enthusiasm.

 

I feel that you're way more patient with him than most would be too. I'm sure he cares about you, but because of his lack of experience, he isn't emotionally able to give you what you need. I hope things get better with your upcoming visit and that he's able to at least show some enthusiasm about things...even if he isn't willing to talk about moving, talking about the future in general with you at all would go a long way I imagine.

[folieadeux]

Thank you hun, nice to hear someone else in an LDR say it's not unreasonable of me, I wouldn't even mind him not talking about it IF he said it's just cos it makes him nervous, although would be nicer if he did talk about it, even in passing. I think along with finding it overwhelming I wonder if he's being cautious too as he was left after 11 years, so maybe he worries if he moves that I might leave him in time, I don't know. Also with his ex they moved in together, if he moves to my country he knows I don't want to live together, so that makes it harder for him I'm sure, although he's not keen on the area I live and says he'd live in a nearby town 40 miles away, which sounds perfect.

I do know he has insecurities too and that I catch a glimpse of them sometimes.

I think he felt backed into a corner as he wrongly thought I was demanding a date for moving, I wasn't, so hopefully he didn't feel backed into a corner when I said no that's not what I'm after and the fact he apologised next time helped.

Part of me is still niggled after our convo, and wants to email him about it, the other part of me is wanting to let it go as things are ok at the moment and I don't want to rock the boat again as I am probably just over thinking everything and I don't think I need to stress about it.

I think I'll just see if he does ever mention it, and if he doesn't-I don't know!

Anyway, got my tickets today to go and see him, so he sounds happy about that

I've never doubted his love for me, which is something to be happy about!

Many thanks for your reply (again!), much appreciated

 

Anytime hun, I saw your countdown began today too...glad to see you got your tickets and it's all official for next month.

 

I guess I'll never understand why he's afraid to talk about the future with you. Again, nothing specific, even something general. Anything at all would set your mind at ease it sounds. I totally get that he's afraid of potentially being left again, but you aren't even expecting him to move into the same household when he relocates...you're giving him SOOOO much freedom so I think he would want to talk about these things and show just as much excitement as you.

 

To me, it may seem like everything is going fine now, but it isn't for you and that's all it takes for things not to be okay. If one person has an issue with something in a relationship, that still counts as a problem. I'm sorry you have to feel like you're walking on eggshells around him in regards to speaking about something that should bring joy. I'm still holding out hope that he'll bring it up again when you're together in person. It sounds like he was affected by how stressed you've been about this so it's very possible he's just waiting to address things more intimately when you're together again.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks again

Well I just wrote an email and told him how I felt in as diplomatic a way as possible, told him it did sting me when he said he felt backed into a corner and that I understand that why he felt that if he thought I was pushing him for a moving date, but I explained I wasn't that, I'd just wanted to know we were on the same page. Was quite a long email, nothing awful or anything, but I don't know how he'll take it, he may think argh, she's going on about her feelings again and creating problems where there are none, he'll worry again that this LDR is too much for me, well he might be right, I'm not sure yet. I am finding it way too emotional lately, my fault for over thinking everything, but him being closed doesn't help.

He might have had enough when he reads it.

I said I feel like my feelings changed a little and my enthusiasm died down after that conversation last week, but that it helped when we talked the next day.

Not sure if I can handle this r/ship This rollercoaster is too much, and maybe I went into another r/ship too soon after my ex left.

Ugh, I'm questioning everything.

 

 

Anytime hun, I saw your countdown began today too...glad to see you got your tickets and it's all official for next month.

 

I guess I'll never understand why he's afraid to talk about the future with you. Again, nothing specific, even something general. Anything at all would set your mind at ease it sounds. I totally get that he's afraid of potentially being left again, but you aren't even expecting him to move into the same household when he relocates...you're giving him SOOOO much freedom so I think he would want to talk about these things and show just as much excitement as you.

 

To me, it may seem like everything is going fine now, but it isn't for you and that's all it takes for things not to be okay. If one person has an issue with something in a relationship, that still counts as a problem. I'm sorry you have to feel like you're walking on eggshells around him in regards to speaking about something that should bring joy. I'm still holding out hope that he'll bring it up again when you're together in person. It sounds like he was affected by how stressed you've been about this so it's very possible he's just waiting to address things more intimately when you're together again.

[folieadeux]

Thanks again

Well I just wrote an email and told him how I felt in as diplomatic a way as possible, told him it did sting me when he said he felt backed into a corner and that I understand that why he felt that if he thought I was pushing him for a moving date, but I explained I wasn't that, I'd just wanted to know we were on the same page. Was quite a long email, nothing awful or anything, but I don't know how he'll take it, he may think argh, she's going on about her feelings again and creating problems where there are none, he'll worry again that this LDR is too much for me, well he might be right, I'm not sure yet. I am finding it way too emotional lately, my fault for over thinking everything, but him being closed doesn't help.

He might have had enough when he reads it.

I said I feel like my feelings changed a little and my enthusiasm died down after that conversation last week, but that it helped when we talked the next day.

Not sure if I can handle this r/ship This rollercoaster is too much, and maybe I went into another r/ship too soon after my ex left.

Ugh, I'm questioning everything.

 

You're questioning everything now because of him being so closed off to certain aspects of your relationship. If he just showed a little enthusiasm and willingness to reassure you about the future, everything would be fine. It's totally normal to question things when you reach this point...but I don't think it's the entire relationship that you're questioning...just this one part of it. You can handle the distance hun, and have been doing so for some time now. You're also one of the luckier ones in that you're able to see your partner alot more frequently than most too. It's not the distance, it's him not being able to give you what you need emotionally. I'm really hoping he responds positively to your email. You're not being unrealistic at all and I hope he has some compassion at the very least for how you're feeling right now.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you, you've got it spot on.

He sent a quick reply (wasn't expecting one yet as he's out most of this w/end) to say he's glad that I can get my thoughts out in the open and that he's sorry he's such a closed up assh*le!

I thought he'd be annoyed as he'd take it as me having a go or something.

I'm glad I wrote it.

Have a lovely w/end!

 

 

You're questioning everything now because of him being so closed off to certain aspects of your relationship. If he just showed a little enthusiasm and willingness to reassure you about the future, everything would be fine. It's totally normal to question things when you reach this point...but I don't think it's the entire relationship that you're questioning...just this one part of it. You can handle the distance hun, and have been doing so for some time now. You're also one of the luckier ones in that you're able to see your partner alot more frequently than most too. It's not the distance, it's him not being able to give you what you need emotionally. I'm really hoping he responds positively to your email. You're not being unrealistic at all and I hope he has some compassion at the very least for how you're feeling right now.

[folieadeux]

Thank you, you've got it spot on.

He sent a quick reply (wasn't expecting one yet as he's out most of this w/end) to say he's glad that I can get my thoughts out in the open and that he's sorry he's such a closed up assh*le!

I thought he'd be annoyed as he'd take it as me having a go or something.

I'm glad I wrote it.

Have a lovely w/end!

 

Thank you and you as well!

 

Glad he responded positively in his reply.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

oh man, discussing when to move in or get married or the next step of the relationship leads to moving to that next level, breaking up or just sweeping things under the rug.

 

women often get blamed for the pressure...but sometimes you cannot really help to question or doubt if the guy does not give you anything solid.

 

i am not sure how old you are though and how old is your boyfriend. guys normally feel that next step when they already have their ducks in a row.

 

if you know what you want and you see yourself settling down anytime soon, do not compromise, unless he gives you a solid time frame.

 

how will you know if a guy is ready and should be ready? he has no job issues; he is content with life; a girl is the only thing he needs to complete it. what are the factors that can affect it even if he is ready? most of the factors are job, family and adjustment issues. you cannot keep sweeping things under the rug all the time.

 

but wait, sorry...how long have you been dating?

 

just sharing an experience. i have a boyfriend before whom i thought was in the same page like me. he wanted to get married when we were like 6 months in the relationship but it changed over time. then he just stopped talking about it until i found out he's getting a new apartment and he did not want me to move in. i was alarmed by that cuz he can freely go in and out of my apartment while it feels like i was restricted to go to his. when i confronted him about his plans, he gives me very vague answers...saying he will eventually marry me but not now. i was not saying he should marry me at that instant but the way he dodge the questions tells me that he's just making excuses.

 

with my current fiance though, before we got into this long distance thing we already discussed the difficulties that we will encounter. he is ready to get married when i met him so i know i won't have a problem, the only problem was if i was the right person for him and if he was right for me. everytime we step up our relationship, we review if we are on the same page. if it's okay with me if we will exclusively date, if it's not a problem with him....then when that happened we discuss our plan A and plan B. our plan was to discuss when we should move in or get married after his 2nd visit. i agreed with it, and it's not like set in stone because we were also gauging if we were right for each other. but during his last visit it's already obvious that we're a match, it would be hard to find another person like us...so we decided to level things up.

 

how will a person not feel pressured when you ask him these things? you should be open to the possibilities of what he could say. in our setup though, he is the one who always ask these questions. he would tell me his deal breaker, and i tell mine. from there we decide if we can compromise with the time frame or not. it's really casual and too formal some times for us...but we don't wanna play mind reading so we are very open about our plans and feelings.

[HeavenOrHell]

We've only been together since April, I'm not ready for us to live closer yet, but in a year or so I might be. My partner talked about it a lot at first, he was the one to start talking about it originally and I said it was too early, but we did feel early on that we had something special. We've only met 6 times so it would be silly to move closer for a while yet.

My partner's problem is that he just doesn't talk about important things (the exception being when he wanted to talk about the future early on), he just doesn't feel the need to talk about it now as he knows he wants to live closer within 2 years so as far as he's concerned that's what matters, he's nervous about moving so it is hard to talk about, but after saying how I felt recently he has reassured me we are still on the same page. I do now believe he means it and it's just a case of being patient until the time is right, too many people rush into things, I think it is good to be cautious with life changing decisions, both of us were left after LTR's so maybe we're extra cautious.

But it would be helpful to me if he would talk about it sometimes, he feels bad about being so closed.

He's late 30's and I'm mid 40's.

 

 

oh man, discussing when to move in or get married or the next step of the relationship leads to moving to that next level, breaking up or just sweeping things under the rug.

 

women often get blamed for the pressure...but sometimes you cannot really help to question or doubt if the guy does not give you anything solid.

 

i am not sure how old you are though and how old is your boyfriend. guys normally feel that next step when they already have their ducks in a row.

 

if you know what you want and you see yourself settling down anytime soon, do not compromise, unless he gives you a solid time frame.

 

how will you know if a guy is ready and should be ready? he has no job issues; he is content with life; a girl is the only thing he needs to complete it. what are the factors that can affect it even if he is ready? most of the factors are job, family and adjustment issues. you cannot keep sweeping things under the rug all the time.

 

but wait, sorry...how long have you been dating?

 

just sharing an experience. i have a boyfriend before whom i thought was in the same page like me. he wanted to get married when we were like 6 months in the relationship but it changed over time. then he just stopped talking about it until i found out he's getting a new apartment and he did not want me to move in. i was alarmed by that cuz he can freely go in and out of my apartment while it feels like i was restricted to go to his. when i confronted him about his plans, he gives me very vague answers...saying he will eventually marry me but not now. i was not saying he should marry me at that instant but the way he dodge the questions tells me that he's just making excuses.

 

with my current fiance though, before we got into this long distance thing we already discussed the difficulties that we will encounter. he is ready to get married when i met him so i know i won't have a problem, the only problem was if i was the right person for him and if he was right for me. everytime we step up our relationship, we review if we are on the same page. if it's okay with me if we will exclusively date, if it's not a problem with him....then when that happened we discuss our plan A and plan B. our plan was to discuss when we should move in or get married after his 2nd visit. i agreed with it, and it's not like set in stone because we were also gauging if we were right for each other. but during his last visit it's already obvious that we're a match, it would be hard to find another person like us...so we decided to level things up.

 

how will a person not feel pressured when you ask him these things? you should be open to the possibilities of what he could say. in our setup though, he is the one who always ask these questions. he would tell me his deal breaker, and i tell mine. from there we decide if we can compromise with the time frame or not. it's really casual and too formal some times for us...but we don't wanna play mind reading so we are very open about our plans and feelings.

[HeavenOrHell]

The difference between me and him is he sees living closer in time as a natural progression with no pressing need as such, whereas to some extent I feel I do *need* him to live closer in time. Our differing reactions to it to make me feel I'm being too needy. If anything were to pull us apart I think it would be me feeling I need/want to be with him more than he does with me, his lack of enthusiasm/being forthcoming with his feelings might mean I won't be able to do this. Seeing how enthusiastic rainyjae's partner is in Omei's thread highlights how different my partner is in that respect and what I'm missing and how much easier it would be if he were like that.

I do often worry I'm not cut out for this, but if only he were more forthcoming maybe I could handle it.

2 years seems so long, I don't know if things will get easier for me as time goes on, or worse.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

Seeing how enthusiastic rainyjae's partner is in Omei's thread highlights how different my partner is in that respect and what I'm missing and how much easier it would be if he were like that.

 

hi sis, you shouldn't compare your partner to other guys because they are different. what you need to focus on is if you and your partner are on the same page.

 

i understand that 2 years is that long and without constant reassurance it is difficult. you two are gonna see each other, right? why don't you guys device a plan for a short term period rather than the long term (the 2-year thing), so it would shorten the wait time.

 

you have to be strong in voicing out your concerns without appearing needy or desperate. i suggest to wait until you see each other again. if you feel that you're really meant for each other, try to lengthen your patience. however if you really don't think he's doing anything, you should lay down your boundaries.