Happy ending with AP = no regrets about the A?

[Heather1]

I hope OM doesn't have any regrets! I don't. We never had a Dday, so that might have changed things. I also never expected "more," which would be different too.

 

I learned a lot about myself & what I want for my life. His guilt was killing him, and I respect that. Maybe he does have regrets? None from my end, although I would never do this again! As a matter of fact, it's helped me see when men are hitting on me & how close is too close. I thought we were getting too close as friends, and he insisted we were fine. Little did I realize that men don't think it's an A until the PA happens.

 

Yep, learned a ton!!!

[OpenBook]

I really, really appreciate all the great insights from everyone (and welcome back GEL!!!). I was a little surprised to hear from several OPs who actually did end up (apparently happily) with their APs - and even they regret the A, although they seem to believe "it was worth it."

 

So I think I know the answer to this, but I'll ask anyway - if you had it all to do over again, and you knew what you know now when you met your former AP - would you still have chosen to enter the A? Or would you have done it all differently?

 

And if you HAD done it differently, do you think you still would've ended up with him?

[Grace2010]

I haven't been posting, but I thought just maybe this needed to be heard and can help:

 

As many long-time posters know, I am married to my MM now, over 2 years, together for 6. I can say that I regret it having started as an A and hurting people in the process, but I will never regret having fallen in love with my H or marrying him. He is my best friend, my lover, my life partner.

 

I think ending up with your MP actually you learn MORE. You see firsthand the people who are hurt, you have to live with people's judgments, you have to make amends in your own way. Now we went to MC to help put our family together and he did IC so I think that has alot to do with our being pretty successful in getting through a really emotionally crazy time. And I think that is why the majority of couples where one person leaves, go back. It is a time where you have to take a hard look at your choices and face consequences. And you have to make changes or the cycle repeats itself and no one learns what they need to learn.

 

So I would say that I learned alot from the experience. I wouldn't say I learned my lesson, but I learned valuable insights in relationships and making choices that I can feel good about. Which for the most part, I did. I just feel badly that his XW was hurt because he couldn't man up earlier and be honest with her. I never wanted to be the other woman. It doesn't suit me. But he was worth the side-step of my values. And I will stand by him.

 

I guess when I reflect on our R, I really think about my role and our R and our chance at a long term marriage. I am not embarrassed to have trusted someone I love. And even though I was lied to, I will not become embittered and not trust again. Trust is something I give freely and I will not refuse to trust because it was broken in the past. I willingly forgive. Should I be betrayed in the future, I do not foresee myself being distrustful others because that is just NOT ME.

 

I also know my partners flaws, he and I know mine and we still love each other in spite of it. It is a love that has known great happiness, great sadness and the power of forgiveness.

 

And I ended up with the man I love and am compatible with in almost every way. The dust has settled now and everyone is pretty settled and happy. Time does heal all wounds and everyone eventually gets over it. And as it should, life goes on.

 

GEL

 

THIS. Every single bit of THIS. So well said. And it gives me hope for our future. We just need to get a little further into the future, so that the BS on both sides can focus on their own happiness (as both have moved on, but are so furious at us that they are using custody of the kids as a way to punish us both).

 

Hopefully time will continue to heal what our heartfelt apologies have not been able to.

[Grace2010]

I really, really appreciate all the great insights from everyone (and welcome back GEL!!!). I was a little surprised to hear from several OPs who actually did end up (apparently happily) with their APs - and even they regret the A, although they seem to believe "it was worth it."

 

So I think I know the answer to this, but I'll ask anyway - if you had it all to do over again, and you knew what you know now when you met your former AP - would you still have chosen to enter the A? Or would you have done it all differently?

 

And if you HAD done it differently, do you think you still would've ended up with him?

 

No, absolutely not. If I knew now what I didn't know then, we would have gone about ending our marriages without a romantic relationship between us. Our marriages ended for individual reasons, not related to our A (which was disclosed after the decision to divorce was made on both sides), but our BS are still very hurt (understandably).

 

If we had done it differently would we still have ended up together? Without a doubt. And it would have been worth the wait, the lack of bad blood between exes and us, and the VASTLY improved coparenting relationships (as what we have now is awful, because of the A).

[stillthinking]

What is a PA (as Heather mentioned)?

Is there a dictionary for all the abbreviations on here?

[Ellin]

No, absolutely not. If I knew now what I didn't know then, we would have gone about ending our marriages without a romantic relationship between us. Our marriages ended for individual reasons, not related to our A (which was disclosed after the decision to divorce was made on both sides), but our BS are still very hurt (understandably).

 

If we had done it differently would we still have ended up together? Without a doubt. And it would have been worth the wait, the lack of bad blood between exes and us, and the VASTLY improved coparenting relationships (as what we have now is awful, because of the A).

Of course, but that wasn't realistically possible, because if hadn't had a romantic R you wouldn't have waited around for each other, isn't that right?

[tami-chan]

I thought about this for a long time, I have finally concluded that I do not regret my relationship with xMM. Although sometimes I wish we had met earlier and that the emotional drama was less-still, I am glad he is in my life-no use wasting energy in things I cannot change.

[wheelwright]

I heard that! I'm kinda just "examining my soul" here, taking my own inventory (and bouncing it off others to see if they are reaching the same conclusions!). I'm realizing that I, too, would have probably believed that the end justified the means if we had happily ended up together... and stuck my head in the sand with "it won't happen to me, we were MEANT for each other." And I'm not OK with that.

 

I guess it depends on what you believe in. Faith.

 

If you don't believe in 'meant' then you won't go for that kind of thing.

[Got it]

I really, really appreciate all the great insights from everyone (and welcome back GEL!!!). I was a little surprised to hear from several OPs who actually did end up (apparently happily) with their APs - and even they regret the A, although they seem to believe "it was worth it."

 

So I think I know the answer to this, but I'll ask anyway - if you had it all to do over again, and you knew what you know now when you met your former AP - would you still have chosen to enter the A? Or would you have done it all differently?

 

And if you HAD done it differently, do you think you still would've ended up with him?

 

Would I do it over? Absolutely though there are some changes I would have made. I held a lot more cards than I realized.

[OpenBook]

What is a PA (as Heather mentioned)?

Is there a dictionary for all the abbreviations on here?

 

Look in the "Pinned - LS Terminology" thread at the top of this OM/OW subforum. PA = Physical Affair, as opposed to EA = Emotional Affair.

[OpenBook]

I guess it depends on what you believe in. Faith.

 

If you don't believe in 'meant' then you won't go for that kind of thing.

 

Ah, but I DO believe in "meant" (for each other).

 

I also believe that A's are morally the wrong choice (speaking for myself) and come with a lot of Bad Ju-Ju.

 

I also believe that life is incredibly messy, and never goes the way we planned or anticipated.

 

And my faith in the institution of marriage has been badly shaken and I have extreme doubts about most people's ability to pull it off successfully. Especially with our longer lifespans.

 

Hence my confusion. I turned away from a MM whom I am still in love with. I never got involved with him; I denied myself and took another path. And (it's been a couple years since I've seen him) I still feel like I turned away from the finest thing I have ever encountered. I wish I didn't feel like that. I'm glad I didn't get involved with him. But all the same, the world has been dull and gray and lifeless (on the romantic front) since. All other aspects of my life are in full throttle, though. I can certainly live without the technicolor of him.

 

I just wonder sometimes.

[pureinheart]

Ah, but I DO believe in "meant" (for each other).

 

I also believe that A's are morally the wrong choice (speaking for myself) and come with a lot of Bad Ju-Ju.

 

I also believe that life is incredibly messy, and never goes the way we planned or anticipated.

 

And my faith in the institution of marriage has been badly shaken and I have extreme doubts about most people's ability to pull it off successfully. Especially with our longer lifespans.

 

Hence my confusion. I turned away from a MM whom I am still in love with. I never got involved with him; I denied myself and took another path. And (it's been a couple years since I've seen him) I still feel like I turned away from the finest thing I have ever encountered. I wish I didn't feel like that. I'm glad I didn't get involved with him. But all the same, the world has been dull and gray and lifeless (on the romantic front) since. All other aspects of my life are in full throttle, though. I can certainly live without the technicolor of him.

 

I just wonder sometimes.

 

Wow, this is just profound and describes how I feel about many things.

 

I also walked away (many times), although the time that counted for me was the one you talk about in this reply. I felt lost in the area of relationships. The rest of my life was still moving on, although for a time the "lost" feeling poured out into the other aspects of "living" and did cripple me for a time.

 

Just when I began to come out of this crippled feeling, I get a call from his friend saying that he and his W separated. This surprised me as I thought I had read the entire situation wrong. Ok, hope immediately flows through me again.

 

I misunderstood my real purpose in his life.

 

OB, mine did play out and it wasn't pretty. Being blinded by "hope", I encountered much abuse from him, that I allowed, and it could take a long time to come out of this numb feeling I have.

 

Please keep in mind that the forgiveness I speak of in previous postings is still there, I have forgiven him and don't regret anything. The anger did turn to forgiveness and had to in order to heal, to look at all of this objectively. Without this forgiveness I would not have been able to continue with complete NC.

 

It's not just him, he is just a part of this incredible past I have to heal from and come to an understanding that not all of this was "bad" or traumatic.

 

I noticed that being traumatised so much, having a build up and then a final blast of several years of non stop trauma back to back...everything becomes traumatic. Blasting those that have harmed me doesn't work, an explosive nature does not work, blaming, drugs, alcohol, whatever...what works is surrender and brokeness...when we are weak, we are truely strong...this is a very hard concept to understand, although it is the truth:)...my enemies are my footstools.

[wheelwright]

Ah, but I DO believe in "meant" (for each other).

 

I also believe that A's are morally the wrong choice (speaking for myself) and come with a lot of Bad Ju-Ju.

 

I also believe that life is incredibly messy, and never goes the way we planned or anticipated.

 

And my faith in the institution of marriage has been badly shaken and I have extreme doubts about most people's ability to pull it off successfully. Especially with our longer lifespans.

 

Hence my confusion. I turned away from a MM whom I am still in love with. I never got involved with him; I denied myself and took another path. And (it's been a couple years since I've seen him) I still feel like I turned away from the finest thing I have ever encountered. I wish I didn't feel like that. I'm glad I didn't get involved with him. But all the same, the world has been dull and gray and lifeless (on the romantic front) since. All other aspects of my life are in full throttle, though. I can certainly live without the technicolor of him.

 

I just wonder sometimes.

 

Maybe we are just meant to bless certain moments.

 

Maybe we are meant to be very virtuous.

 

And then again maybe we could do some really hard work on right and wrong. How should we live?

 

I know what you mean about technicolour - its like the doors of perception.

 

It's a big question anyway - how should we live?

 

And I think at the root of many of the thoughts and loves that play out here on LS.

[OpenBook]

OB, mine did play out and it wasn't pretty.

 

That's another thought in the back of my mind... Maybe I actually dodged a bullet! Thanks for sharing that, pureinheart.

[OpenBook]

And then again maybe we could do some really hard work on right and wrong. How should we live?

 

What's really freaking me out (and made me start this thread) is that even though in my actions I "did the right thing" (quote/unquote), my thoughts about it still weren't/aren't right at all.

 

I know what you mean about technicolour - its like the doors of perception.

 

And I'm feeding it, with this thread. Erm...

[pureinheart]

Maybe we are just meant to bless certain moments.

 

Maybe we are meant to be very virtuous.

 

And then again maybe we could do some really hard work on right and wrong. How should we live?

 

I know what you mean about technicolour - its like the doors of perception.

 

It's a big question anyway - how should we live?

 

And I think at the root of many of the thoughts and loves that play out here on LS.

 

I know for a fact that I have misinterpreted my position in another persons life:), what was only meant for a season, I thought was forever.

 

I am meant to be virtuously human. lol.

 

WW, you got me...so I try to live right, although fall short. lol again.

 

How should we live? I want to make everyday count. I want love, peace, joy, hope, happiness etc. I want to encourage others. I want to let go and let God:)