moimeme Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Samson, she just said yes. Cut it out, already. Link to post Share on other sites
Kathleen41 Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 No offense taken at all - I'm not classifying ALL men as egotistical. I'm not a man-hater or on a crusade to bash men. All I'm doing is venting on here against my husband - wishing he was just a little more attentive, considerate and caring - less into himself and a little more into me! I married a narcissist (sp?). First time I've had to deal with one! Just wanted advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 she just said yes. Cut it out, already. Wow, talk about "controlling:" Cut what out? Asking simple to answer questions Kathleen never answered. All I'm doing is venting on here against my husband - wishing he was just a little more attentive, considerate and caring - less into himself and a little more into me! This is what I suspected from the beginning. Venting is great, I'm glad you were able to get this off your chest. As you can see, there are many who are very quick to project their own feelings based on another's circumstance, and advise throwing babies out with bathwater. Still interested in YOUR answer, not Moimemes's Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 SAMSON - Scroll up and see post 22. She already answered you. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Men! They ask a question, you answer, they pay NO attention! Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme Men! They ask a question, you answer, they pay NO attention! LOL Kathleen, you made perfect sense to ME. Sometimes it's hard to describe the way in which someone belittles you without it sounding petty to some people. Maybe if it were one incident it would be petty, but when someone is belittling you day after day in many different ways, they can do a lot of damage to your sense of self-worth. Then when people say ridiculous things to downplay what you've said like, "oh, that's no big deal, my husband does things like that all the time" it really makes you feel like there's something wrong with YOU. There's not! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 I agree, FreMe. In order to forestall peoples' predictable similar comments about my life with an untreated multiple disordered man, I wrote a lengthy document detailing a number of the most unpleasant episodes in our life. The reporter who read it (no names, of course) was so appalled she didn't want to include any of it. Taken individually, the episodes could have been excusable one-off situations. Together they presented a pretty strong case for why someone would have to exit a relationship. When only a few anecdotes are related, people don't understand the whole picture. As I said before, I'm one who is big on giving people chances and making allowances, but it doesn't sound to me at all as though you are making a hasty, baseless decision, despite the opinions of some curmudgeons to the contrary. ( Samson) Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 moimeme - yes I've been there too. Luckily I've always had a good support system of people who could confirm that the way someone was treating me was wrong. Of course, that doesn't mean I wasn't still foolish enough to put up with it for way longer than I should have. I'm embarrassed for tolerating some of the behavior I've accepted from people. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 I'm embarrassed for tolerating some of the behavior I've accepted from people. No need to be. I think humans are great for giving people leeway. Sometimes we just need to develop a better sense for when giving leeway turns into allowing oneself to be mistreated. And, with some people, it is real hard to tell what's causing their behaviour; sometimes it's a legitimate medical issue. We all just need to be a little more careful next time 'round. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Kathleen, I completely see what drift you are on. AND you actually made the attempt at counselling to which your dead beat husband (LOL-that just came out!) had no interest in participating in. Even if he really had something happening at work, he put his job over his wife. That in and of itself says a lot. Good luck to you...you've got a GREAT head on your shoulders. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Appears that the most interesting part of the discussion has once again been omitted, through "moderation" turning this into an anti-male podium for projections of pain instead of an objective observance of someone simply "venting:" So Kathleen? How about putting it in black and white for me (stupid male): If husband agreed to change his ways, permanently, would it make any difference to you? How would you forgive (not forget!!) this great pain he has caused? Hope you can answer before the moderator decides my question is just to hot to handle, or someone else jumps in with their own "controlling" demand for me to "cut it out." Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Samson, She ALREADY answered that question (also). Why are you offended with this woman's confidence in her decision making abilities and the fact that she knows what she will and will not tolerate? Maybe she poses to a threat for men like the one she's with and is considering leaving. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Offended? Is anyone who voices a different perspective than your own "offended?" I'm more offended that you won't let her speak for herself. But, I'm most offended that I cannot read posts 17-31. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Clean your cache. Refresh. Log out and back in. Shut down your computer and restart. All the posts are there in perfect order. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Tried it all. Cannot go from page 3 to page 2 w/o losing posts between 17 and 31. Appears what's left has been hijacked by the "Lifetime: Channel for Women." Beautiful, but very touchy. Anyway, Moimeme, thanks for sending me #22. By the way, what was the most beastly male behaviour: Speaking longer that 15 minutes w/o asking with whom Kathleen had lunch or calling her from work and not asking about what literature she was reading? Kathleen, at least, can recognize her venting for what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 By the way, what was the most beastly male behaviour: Speaking longer that 15 minutes w/o asking with whom Kathleen had lunch or calling her from work and not asking about what literature she was reading? Neither - but if you wish to pick and choose amid the minor transgressions and ignore the major ones, go ahead. The truth is all hidden somewhere in InternetLand in a place you apparently can't reach. Must be your penalty for being so curmudgeonly about all this. I haven't enough PM space to send you all 14 posts. You'll just have to take my word for it. In this case, you are way off base. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 ignore the major ones, go ahead. Suppose the "major ones" will remain a convienient mystery to curmudgeons. Interesting, you'd think they'd appear in the original post. Oh weeeelllll, seems you ladies have "vented" enough to recover your composure. I do hope Fred, or Barney, or whatever poor caveman Kathleen is saddled with will eventually ask about her A. reading material or B. luncheon guests, or he'll have indignant HELL to pay! Sounds like he's walking on thin ice: If he does ever accomplish "A or B," then he can look forward to figuring out what "C-Z" will be: The fun never will seem to end! Curmudgeonly Yours, Samson Link to post Share on other sites
Yams Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 I was in a similar situation. I got out in December. You are living in an abusive relationship. I suggest reading "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft or at least taking a look at it. It has clarified my feelings and is helping me to resolve some issues that I thought was my problem. Good Luck! This is a very tuff time. Link to post Share on other sites
Kathleen41 Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Samson, OKAY BUDDY HERE'S ONE FOR YA!!!!! Tonight me and my husband began talking about all this. Mind you he didn't want to discuss this at all the past five times I tried to talk to him about it - UNTIL this evening - after he had 3 beers and started on a a tall rum and coke. (I was drinking iced tea). We sat on the patio watching the sun set and the talk started off ok - I knew he was buzzed so now he was brave enough to start talking about all this. I kept calm and let him begin the conversation. After 30 minutes of listening to him tell me what HE wants in our marriage - I got maybe two words out of my mouth before he started talking on top of me telling me that he knew how I felt and how what I was feeling was incorrect, and of course how his way of solving problems was the best way.....etc. I sat there looking at my husband while he was drinking and talking and going on and on and I actually thought of you! I think I answered your question twice already. Your question was... (So Kathleen? How about putting it in black and white for me (stupid male): If husband agreed to change his ways, permanently, would it make any difference to you? How would you forgive (not forget!!) this great pain he has caused?) If I asked my husband to change his ways permanently and he did - it would make a huge difference to me - I could easily forgive and forget the pain he's caused me. I'm very forgiving - I'd actually be so damn happy that he stopped admiring himself long enough to have a decent conversation it would throw me for a loop! By the way - I am one of the most easiest women to get along with - I hunt and fish and like sports and love being married - I'm faithful and devoted. and a good listener. But ya know - being married to a guy who can't shut up from talking about himself constantly - I'm about to chunk it all! After two and a half hours of my husband yakking on and on tonight (more so after each cocktail) I decided I'm gonna buy him a parrot. He can talk to it all day and night! I'll train the parrot to say "You are right dear - you're a big daddy who knows everything!". Then I'll just leave and go shopping and have a life! Samson - don't get me wrong - I'm not a woman who needs constant attention - I'm very independent and do my own thing. Maybe that's why my husband overcompensates to continually talk about himself and how great he is!!!!! I think it's insecurity and ego problems. Lots of other ladies on here seem to agree with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 You've made everything crystal, Kathleen. Glad to hear from you again. Tonight's episode sounds soooooooooooo familiar to me, hmmm...LOL My husband does that constantly, he talks over me. I tell people he needs a cheer leader, "Go, Mike, GO, GO, GO!" He's on his own damned team. Link to post Share on other sites
Kathleen41 Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Fedup&givingup - you're halarious - the cheerleader reference was just so funny I can relate. Thanks for making me laugh!! Hey Samson - did you get my response to your question? (Just checking in case you once again missed it). My husband isn't a Fred or Barney - those guys actually shut up long enough to listen to their wives! I don't punish my husband by making him have "indignant hell to pay". I'm not that type of person. I'm a firm believer in what comes around goes around. It's more dignified and ladylike to remain sweet and be and adult don't you think? Remember he's the one acting like a fool - not me. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 You're welcome, Kathleen. I feel like I know who you are married to LOL. I admire your style, and I think you've got a good grip on the fact that your husband is self serving and is clearly stuck on himself. He wants what he wants for himself, and you are included in that...wives of such husbands are trophies. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 I think our Samson thinks that any woman who complains about a man's behaviour is a man-hater. He hasn't had to live with a man like this, I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 I don't punish my husband by making him have "indignant hell to pay". I'm not that type of person. I'm a firm believer in what comes around goes around. Apparently, Retrobutive Justice, doesn't need your assistance. GREAT! You could have fooled me. I really think venting on LS board, waiting til hubby gets plastered to begin taking notes, and remaining more dignified and ladylike, then venting again cannot continue. Either your going to become much, much less dignified and ladylike (e.g. see Moimeme), or....... OOoopps, I think my time has run out. Don't want the 15 minute timer to go off! Besides, you might like to read posts that only support your position: Time saver- "He's always wrong; We're always right, YaDA, Yada., YaDa.......Yadaaaaaaa........." Very Helpful! Read anything interesting today? What, Where, with whom did you have lunch? On the edge of my seat, Samson BTW: Thanks for the answer K, and Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 How refreshing it is to hear that from a male's POV Link to post Share on other sites
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