Not Sure Anymore

[folieadeux]

Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking too. Nothing was said about who would contact who first, so I don't feel that I should necessarily be waiting around for a message when he never specified he wanted the space. I definitely wouldn't be trying to delve into important "relationship-y" type stuff. Like I said in my reply to aisle_seat, all I want to do is talk on a superficial level at this point, and see that he's ok.

 

Like I mentioned to LuLu, I sent him a "Hey, I hope you're ok", message, and then realised that he's away. He likely won't be home until late sunday, and even then he'll be really tired and probably go straight to sleep. While he's away he'll barely have any reception, if he's able to get any at all. So I'm not really expecting a reply just yet. However, if I haven't heard from him by later on monday, I'll assume he's got my message and isn't replying, and I'll try to move on and not contact him at all. I guess I'll have to wait until that point, and see how things go.

 

I definitely think you're doing the right thing.

[Faded_x]

Thanks folieadeux, it's good to know you think I'm doing the right thing.

 

Faded,

 

I have never heard of someone saying they were angry at themselves because they wanted to pick up the phone but could not. I am sure you expressed to him in your messages, texts, e-mails that you were concerned and desperately wished for a response. It seems irrational that a person would be unable to do something as small as just saying "I am not well, I am going through a hard time, I need some space, etc etc", to give the people that love them at least *some* insight into their lives -- and that can be a peace of mind within itself. For him to offer such a weak excuse as he could not, and is angry at himself, to me, is a terrible excuse.

 

The way he said it, it didn't seem like he was angry with himself at the time. He said through that month, he wasn't really thinking clearly at all. It was afterwards that he felt angry with himself. I don't know, but that's just what he told me. I asked him how he could just ignore me when he knew he'd be hurting me, and he said that when you're depressed like that, you're not exactly rational about things. I know that's not exactly what he said, but that's just what I remember taking from the conversation. He could have meant something different, but that's what I remember thinking he meant.

 

You asked me if his difficulty to reach out to you could possibly be related to his illness. I have a bachelors degree in psychology, and from my personal experience when I suffered from my own depression, I can tell you that it is possible to cause communication blocks. Sometimes when a person deals with depression, they feel lonely, isolated...that no one understands them. This may have been what lead to his behavior concerning you. However, depression is always a case by case basis. There were times when people called me or wanted to talk to me, and the reason I did not speak to them, was simply because I did not want to -- and I would tell them. I had the opposite problem. I would call people, and they would not want to talk to me. However, that was my personal experience. Sometimes, people *can* also use their illness as an excuse, and sometimes unfortunately, it can lead to people abusing the relationships of the people who love them the most.

 

I know you said it's different for everyone, and not every case is the same. But is it possible for a depressed person to hide it from those around him? I can't say for certain as obviously I was cut off and far away where I couldn't really know what was going on. But when I was searching around online to see if he was ok, he appeared normal in the brief snatches of "conversations" I saw from him. It was never anything major or long, just brief comments and replies on facebook, and the like. He seemed normal though, and was going out surfing with friends like usual. I don't know, for all I know he was pretty bad and his family knew and were helping him through it. But for some reason, it just seems like he acted normal/fine around everyone else. Like you said, I know some people use their illnesses to abuse the relationships of those that love them. I don't want to be suckered in, if he's only using this as an excuse. It's difficult to know for sure though if that's the case or not. He said to me that he has "no idea why he seems to take it out on me". I think it's pretty obvious. Obviously I'm the easiest one to take things out on. I live far away and can do nothing about it if he decided to disappear, whereas it's a lot harder to do that with his family and friends who live close by. He doesn't like to open up about things, and so when it comes to things like this he'd prefer to push me away, then open up and tell me something.

 

Avoidance of this nature is always tricky. So to give you a straight answer -- is it possibly due to his illness, I can tell you yes. However, there is a difference between totally cutting someone off for a month, and being avoiding. The only time a person with depression can get better and change, is if they are *willing* to. It is not a difficult thing, like you say, to simply pick up a phone, or send a text, just to let the other person (especially with time invested in a romantic relationship) know that you are in the very least, alive, breathing, and reading the messages you send them.

 

I always adhere to the notion of responsibility for ones actions, no matter how shaming or embarrassing or foolish they may have been or are. Part of the responsibility means taking ownership over ones own emotional status -- even if it is in a state of flux. Getting angry at himself does not do justice to the fact that he essentially abandoned you due to his own personal problems -- you let him know he was hurting you and bringing you down with him, yet he could not even simply pick up the phone, be a man, and acknowledge that despite his problems there was someone out there he was hurting not because of his behavior, but because of lack of one -- communicating with his girlfriend. As much as he has problems, as much as he is going through a difficult time, he owes it to you as your boyfriend to extend a communication.

 

That's what mainly upsets me about this whole thing. That he didn't have the decency to just let me know what was going on. All he had to say was that he was going through something he was finding difficult, and he needed some time alone. But that he would get back to me as soon as he could. Of course I'd be pretty upset if I still hadn't heard anything after a month or so, but at least I wouldn't have been going entirely crazy like I was. A part of me, because I don't really understand depression or any kind of mental illness, isn't sure if I'm being unfair or selfish in having expected to be told about what was going on when he was going through something really difficult for him. I don't know if I'm being selfish in expecting him to have just dropped his issues for a bit, and just talked to me about what was going on. I know that sounds silly. I'm meant to be his girlfriend; of course he's meant to let me know what's going on! But in his mind, he did. He admitted he wasn't overly clear about it, but he feels he did let me know he needed some time.

 

You say that you feel you are not strong enough to end things yourself, but you are not pathetic in the least. You are not stupid either. It's a simple matter of -- you are in love, and you are deeply attached to the relationship. It seems like from what you've said, that you feel the relationship is coming to a close, but you still seem to hold on to some hope that it will work and continue on.

 

At this point, my concern is not the nature of your boyfriend, or his excuses. I have been known to be hard in the past....but, my concern is that you may very well be waiting, holding on, for an answer that will never come, or even worse, setting yourself up for another disappointment. I don't know the nature of the reliability of this person, maybe it was a one time mistake, but in all honesty, I think you are better off taking some time, taking a deep breath, and slowly getting past the things that are keeping you trapped here. Find a way, pick up a new hobby, don't stare at his pictures, or things that remind you of what you had. Move on sweety, you'll be better for it.

 

Yes, I feel that the relationship is coming to a close. When I heard from him again and we talked, I really felt like we could fix this. I thought since we hadn't spoken at all in about 6 weeks, he'd understand me wanting to go over things and talk everything out before things continued on properly. I wasn't expecting his seeming lack of interest in things being good between us again. Obviously things are coming to an end. How can a relationship work, when only one person is trying?

 

I know what you mean about me possibly not getting the answers I seek. But really, I know I'll get my answer either way soon. If he continues doing things the way he does, I'll assume he's not interested in me at all, and take that as my answer. It will be difficult, and I'd obviously much prefer to just get a straight answer from him, but I don't really think that will be possible. I guess I'll see though. I've already been trying to distance myself as much as possible. I try and keep busy and I don't look at pictures or objects that remind me of him. I changed the wallpaper on my phone from a picture of him, and I packed away all the things that he gave me/make me think of him. I'm not ready to delete pictures or throw away things that remind me of him though, just like I'm not ready to cut him out completely.

Edited January 16, 2011 by Faded_x

[Lockdown]

Faded, I think you're doing everything right -- the measures you've taken have helped considerably. Just be careful and keep your chin up, ok?

 

I hope everything goes well for you. If you have anymore questions or concerns, please feel free to ask -- about depression, mental illness, treatment, or anything you like.

[dawnzeye]

Hi Fadedx i feel your pain. It's been more than a week since my husband gave me this silent treatment. It's excruciatingly painful. He said too he's depressed before this stonewalling. He came home last November for a vacation and we were together everyday. We were happy then. So I'm confused why he's acting this way. Everyday is a struggle for me. It's really unfair and we don't deserve this but when you're in love you still think of the other person's welfare. I wonder if he's ok and that I should have been more understanding.

 

Hi Lockdown, thank you for your pieces of advice and support for us in this difficult time of our lives. When your heart is broken to pieces it's really tough...

[KandiceHanson]

Wow, I am so sorry to hear this Even reading the first few messages almost made me cry, because I went through the same thing at one point. I know exactly what your feeling, for me, I had this ridiculous heart wrenching pain and I was always desperately wanting to hear from him. I hope he finally realizes what he's missing and attempts to come back to you - at that point I would make him apologize and then send him on his way. He definitely doesn't deserve you after this and one day he will look back and feel terrible about it.

[dawnzeye]

Kandice thank you...I hope i have a way to end this pain right now. Even breathing is a struggle. I know he knows he's hurting me but maybe I'm the last thing on his mind at the moment.

[Faded_x]

Hi everyone. First of all, I just want to say that I'm sorry you're also going through this dawnzeye. I know how horrible it is, and I hope by now things have improved in your situation.

 

I just thought I'd come and update my situation, for those that are interested.

 

I definitely wouldn't say that things are perfect, but we are talking. You probably don't recall, but last I was here, I mentioned he was currently away and was unsure as to whether or not I'd hear from him when he got back. Well I did end up hearing from him. We talk fairly regularly now. We haven't seen each other since this whole thing happened, but he talks about wanting to. I guess I want to meet up, and take things from there. I don't really want to have important talks over the phone/internet, so the majority of our conversations have just been kept light which is why things haven't really been sorted out properly either way yet.

 

Anyway, I hope everyone is well.

[folieadeux]

Hi everyone. First of all, I just want to say that I'm sorry you're also going through this dawnzeye. I know how horrible it is, and I hope by now things have improved in your situation.

 

I just thought I'd come and update my situation, for those that are interested.

 

I definitely wouldn't say that things are perfect, but we are talking. You probably don't recall, but last I was here, I mentioned he was currently away and was unsure as to whether or not I'd hear from him when he got back. Well I did end up hearing from him. We talk fairly regularly now. We haven't seen each other since this whole thing happened, but he talks about wanting to. I guess I want to meet up, and take things from there. I don't really want to have important talks over the phone/internet, so the majority of our conversations have just been kept light which is why things haven't really been sorted out properly either way yet.

 

Anyway, I hope everyone is well.

 

Glad to see you are doing well.

 

While I agree that it's best to reserve important conversations for in person whenever possible, I sincerely hope that if a visit is being considered that he is the one doing all the work in regards to the planning, travelling, etc. For what it's worth, it's just my opinion that if he wants to make things work, he has alot to prove.

[Faded_x]

Glad to see you are doing well.

 

While I agree that it's best to reserve important conversations for in person whenever possible, I sincerely hope that if a visit is being considered that he is the one doing all the work in regards to the planning, travelling, etc. For what it's worth, it's just my opinion that if he wants to make things work, he has alot to prove.

 

I definitely agree. When a visit takes place, it will be him doing the travelling here. It could have taken place awhile ago if I had of gone there, but I've been adamant that he be the one to put in the effort; at least for now.

 

I know 2 months isn't that long for most people; but it's actually a fairly long time for us. We usually see each other every 3 weeks or month or so. There was an occasion in 2009 where we had to wait 4 months due to circumstances; but mostly we see each other fairly regularly for a LDR couple. I just realised it's been exactly 10 weeks today since we've seen each other. Guh, it's driving me insane! I know there's no way I could handle a relationship with a bigger distance and not being able to see each other very often. So I truly tip my hat off to those who can!